TITLE: Finding Me (5/10)
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker
EMAIL: NumfarGal@aol.com
SUMMARY: Xander and Buffy, on a tip from the Host, go on a quest to find Riley.
RATING: PG-13
FEEDBACK: Yes please! It means ever so much!
DISCLAIMER: Joss and Mutant Enemy own all.
DEDICATION: To Moe, for making me feel more special than I am, and to Joss Whedon (like he'll ever read this) for being someone who inspires me to try.


Xander's car desperately needed air conditioning. Even with the windows rolled down and the car speeding along at a steady 60 miles per hour, the breeze wasn't enough to keep him and Buffy at a comfortable temperature.

She sighed, fanning herself with the latest issue of "Vogue" which she had already read through twice. "Are you sure you don't want me to drive a little?" she asked, turning to her friend whose eyes were focused on the road.

"Well, only if instead of finding Riley, you want to find the quickest way to the nearest emergency room," Xander said, grinning.

"Ha ha," Buffy said. She shifted in her seat and folded her arms. "My driving's not *that* bad."

"Sure. Tell that the nice little old lady you nearly hit the other day on the way home from the movies."

"Hey," Buffy said defensively. "There were extenuating circumstances then. You know I was just really upset about how wrong they got everything in 'The Forsaken'. I had a lot on my mind."

"Ah, but you're clear headed enough to drive now?" Xander asked.

"Good point," Buffy said, sighing. "I just want to help. I'm so tired of sitting back and doing nothing."

"Well, as soon as I get lost, which I estimate to occur in oh," he said, stealing a glance at his watch, "an hour, you can break out the map and help us not wind up in Canada."

Buffy smiled. "You're doing fine Xander," she said, patting his leg reassuredly. "It's just- that wasn't what I meant."

"So what do you mean?" Xander asked, looking at her inquisitively.

"It's not just the ride," she started, looking down at her nails and picking her cuticles nervously. "It's everything. I'm the Slayer, and I go out there and I save the world, night after night. But everything else," she said, looking away, "everything else seems to fall to the wayside and I don't even notice."

"Buffy," Xander began, but she cut him off.

"Don't try to tell me it's not true," she said, looking at him. "Be honest."

Xander nodded. "Maybe," he said. "But Buff- I have problems remembering where my keys are. I left the house for work last week without pants on. And I don't have half the things on my mind and the responsibilities as you do."

"It's no excuse," she said, shaking her head. "I can't pull the 'Hey! I have the weight of the world of the shoulders!' card all the time. I need to change the way I've been doing things."

"Haven't you?" Xander asked. "I mean, we are talking Riley here, right?"

"Mostly," Buffy admitted. "But not totally. There's Dawn too. God, I didn't even know she was stealing until Anya found out. What kind of sister am I?"

"Buffy, 14 year old girls major in secret-keeping. You can't hold that against yourself."

"My mom would have known," Buffy said, looking down.

"Buffy, your mom spent 3 years not knowing you were the slayer," Xander reminded her.

"None of us are perfect. Sometimes the hardest thing to see is what's right in front of us."

Buffy nodded. "Like vampire bites all over a body?"

"For example," Xander said, taking a deep breath. "But I'll tell you this, Buffy. You've changed since Riley."

"Have I? Really?" Buffy asked, shaking her head. "I don't know. The whole thing with Dawn, and with Spike and- I don't know."

"Well I do," Xander said, looking at her. "And the thing with Spike- who would have seen *that* coming?"

Buffy had to smile at that. "I know. That was just- Yeah. Unexpected is a good word for it. But it's just- I think that what he feels for me- it's real. And I was so horrible to him."

"Buffy, you really can't blame yourself for freaking out with Spike. Just because maybe his feelings are real, it still doesn't make them right."

"But who am I to judge? I mean," she said, running her fingers through her hair nervously, "Spike treated me better than I treated Riley- so what makes Spike not deserving of me, but me deserving of Riley?"

"It doesn't work that way Buffy," Xander said, shaking his head. "Spike doesn't deserve you because he's killed more people than I've met in my life."

"I guess," Buffy said, looking out the side of the car. "It's getting dark."

Xander nodded. "Yeah, it is. I think I saw a sign for a motel coming up. We can stay there for the night, I guess."

"Good," Buffy said, pulling her sweater over her shoulders. "I could use some sleep."

"You could always sleep when I'm driving, Buff. You don't need to stay up with me."

"I know," Buffy said, smiling at her friend. "I just like spending time with you."

++++

Xander opened the door to their hotel room and frowned at the site before him. "Wow. I mean, I know we're only paying $20 a night, but I still think we were overcharged."
Buffy frowned, walking in after Xander. "This place looks like something out of a nightmare I had a few weeks ago."

"Hey, maybe it was a prophetic dream," Xander offered.

"I don't think so. Winged monkeys and purple giraffes also factored into the dream. So unless I decide to do some acid, I'd say it was just a bad dream inspired by too much spicy Mexican food."

Xander laughed, putting his bag down beside the door and sighing as he looked at the bed. "I'll take the floor," he said, removing his jacket and placing it on top of his bag.

"Just toss me a pillow, and I'm good to go."

Buffy walked over to the bed and lifted up the blankets. "There's only one pillow, Xander. Here," she said, tossing it to him. "You can take it."

Xander threw the pillow back. "No, you take it. I'll just use my jacket. I'll be fine. Really," he said, trying to reassure her.

Buffy sighed. "Xander, why don't you just sleep with me?"

Xander quirked his eyebrow. "Why Buffy, I thought you'd never ask," he said jokingly.

"Very funny," she said, giggling. "But you know what I mean. Look, the two of us have been friends for way too long now to feel awkward about this. You've been driving all day, and I am not about to let you sleep on the floor, especially with no pillows."

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I mean- I sleep in the nude."

"Oh," Buffy said, her eyes growing wide. "Well, I mean. Yeah, Because- it's the floor- and it's hard- No! I mean, not hard. Just floor-like and..."

Xander laughed. "Buffy, I'm kidding. I'll sleep in my clothes. You on the other hand can feel free to-"

"You like torturing me, don't you?" she asked, grinning.

"It ranks high," Xander answered, stretching his arms. "So what say we just skip the sex and go straight to the sleeping and forgetting it ever happened."

"You know Xander," Buffy said, sitting down on the bed and quickly getting underneath the sheets. "With all the jobs you've had in the past year, I'm amazed you've never tried your hand at stand up-comedian."

"Yeah well, my hands were busy elsewhere," Xander said, getting into bed next to her.

"Well, enough about Anya," Buffy said, laughing.

"Ah, your turn to torture now, is it?" Xander said, kicking off his shoes and letting them fall to the floor. "I'm good where I am now. I like being a carpenter."

"That's good," Buffy said, turning on her side to look at him. "I'm really proud of you. It's like- when you play the Game of Life? And you can either take an extra 5 spaces to go to college, or you can just start the game and skip college. Most people go the college route, but you really don't need to. The salary card has nothing to do with the career; so going to college really doesn't help you in the game. It kind of just holds you back because everyone else is already ahead those 5 spaces."

Xander looked at Buffy for a moment and then laughed. "You've been hanging out with Anya way too much lately."

Buffy smiled and rolled back to lie on her back. "Xander," she said, after a moment. "When did you get over me?"

"What?" Xander asked, turning to look at Buffy inquisitively. "Where did that come from?"

"It's just," she said, taking a deep breath. "You loved me, right?"

Xander nodded. "For a long time. And I mean, I still do. It's just-"

"-different," Buffy finished, sighing.

"Yeah. Um," Xander said, "Maybe I should sleep on the floor after all."

"No," Buffy said, grabbing his arm. "I love you too, Xander- in that best friend, big brother sort of way." she sat up, leaning her back against the wall. "It's just- I'm just thinking- even then I was oblivious. Way before Riley."

"Buffy-"

"No," Buffy said, bringing her knees to her chest and resting her arms on them. "I didn't even realize you were in love with me until you asked me to Spring Fling. And looking back, I mean- I see it all. I see all the things I missed. It's the same with Riley." She took a deep breath and wiped away the tears that had fallen. "I'm so sorry, Xander."

"You don't need to be," he answered, smiling at her. He took her hand, squeezing it reassuringly. "Now let's get some sleep. I think we both need it."

Buffy nodded. "Thank you Xander," she said, moving back under the sheets and closing her eyes.

Xander looked over to his friend one last time before he shut the lamp off next to him. "Good night," he said, and then he closed his eyes and fell asleep.

+++++

Buffy opened her eyes, instantly finding she couldn't see anything. It was dark, and it was cold, and the ground beneath Buffy's bare feet was wet.

She took a step, her hands in front of her trying desperately to feel for something. "Xander?" she called out, her heartbeat starting to race.

"Xander's not here," a voice said, and Buffy immediately recognized it. "Riley!" she shouted, taking a quick step forward.

"I'm right here," the voice answered, but its direction had shifted. Where before it came from in front of her, now it was behind her.

"Where? I can't find you!"

"Buffy!" the voice called out again.

"Riley!" Buffy turned around, running in the opposite direction for a few seconds before she felt her foot get caught in something. She fell to the ground, her hands breaking her fall.

"You need to hurry," she heard him say, but she couldn't get a fix on where his voice was coming from.

"I'm trying," she said, but her foot was caught. "Damnit," she said, trying to break it free of it's restraints, but it wouldn't move.

She heard something run by her suddenly, and she held her breath, trying to listen to what was going on. "Riley?"

It was then that she heard him scream, and her heart turned cold. "RILEY!"

"You'll never find me now," she heard him say, and then the rest was silence.

++++

Buffy woke up, back in her bed with Xander sleeping next to her. She sat up, struggling to catch her breath and clutching her hand to her chest.

"Buffy?" Xander asked, waking up and groggily looking up at her. "Is everything OK?"

"No," Buffy answered. "We need to keep going. Now."

TO BE CONTINUED....