TITLE

TITLE: Finding Me (9/10)
AUTHOR: Rebecca Parker
EMAIL: NumfarGal@aol.com
RATING: PG-13
SUMMARY: Buffy, on a tip from The Host, goes on a quest with Xander to find
Riley.
SPOILERS: General Season 5, except in this 'verse, Buffy defeats Glory and
doesn't die.
FEEDBACK: I do the Dance of Joy upon receipt of feedback.
DISTRIBUTION: At my site, http://www.ourowndestiny.com and all the usual
suspects. If you want it, just ask.
DISCLAIMER: Joss and Mutant Enemy own all.
DEDICATION: To Moe and Nynaeve. Thank you two so much.



Buffy looked at Graham, waiting for his answer and unsure of whether or not
she should fear it when it came. He frowned when she had asked where Riley
was, and that couldn't be a good sign. After the dream Buffy had the other
night, she was feeling nervous as the seconds passed by that Graham didn't
answer.

"Riley?" she asked again. "Where is he?"

"Let me take you to him," Graham said finally. "How did you guys know we were
here?"

"Green demon," Xander answered, starting to follow as they walked further
into the canyon.

"Excuse me?" Graham asked, confused.

"Oh, it's a long story," Buffy said, looking around as they walked. "So how
is he? I mean, is he good?" Buffy fidgeted nervously; fully aware of how
badly her hands were shaking as she did so. She knew part of it to be from
that high that came after a kill, but she also knew that a large part was due
to the fact that something she had both dreaded and hoped for during the last
few months was about to come to fruition.

"He's not so good," Graham said, his eyes taking in their surroundings as
they walked back to base camp. That was the last of the demons, as far as any
of them knew. Unfortunately, they didn't always know everything.

"He, uh," Graham said, turning a corner. "He died."

Buffy stopped in her tracks, the breath caught in her throat. She didn't
move, mostly due to the fact that she didn't think she could. She felt
paralyzed as everything hit her at once. "W-what?" she managed to say, her
voice shaking.

Graham stopped, turning back. "We brought him back. He was only dead for a
few minutes."

Suddenly, the air returned to her lungs, the ability to move returned to her
body. She stepped up to Graham, delivering a high, swift punch to his face.

"What the hell?!" Graham said, recoiling back and looking at her with
apprehension. "What the hell was that?"

"You don't do dramatic pause after something like that," she said, her heart
racing inside her chest. "In fact, you don't start a sentence with something
like that. 'Riley's fine. He died, but we brought him back' would be a good
way to go. Not 'Riley's dead' followed by a ten second pause during which my
heart breaks."

"Sorry," Graham said, "In my defense, I did use past tense."

"I think she was a little too busy to deconstruct your grammar," Xander said,
standing beside Buffy.

"Yeah," Graham admitted. "He'll be alright tho. Suffered some serious damage
and some major blood loss. But I guess with things back home- his body was
accustomed to subsisting on a low blood count."

Buffy looked down, remembering the sight of Riley with *her* - that vampire.
It was an image that haunted her and one that she unfortunately didn't go a
day without seeing in her head. "Oh," she said, still not looking up.

Xander watched Buffy, aware of how uncomfortable the topic was to his friend.
"So, Graham. Think we can sneak the little lady in to see him?"

"I think so," Graham said, turning another corner and suddenly revealing what
Buffy assumed to be base camp. "Most of our men have cleared out now that the
threat seems to be gone. It's just me and the people in the infirmary right
now."

"But he's going to be OK?" Buffy asked, aware that he had already answered
the question but wanting so badly to hear him say it again. "I had a dream.
He was-"

"He's fine," Graham assured her. "Enjoying being waited on hand and foot,
actually."

"Well yeah," Xander agreed. "That's almost worth dying for."

"Not with the service around here, it's not," Graham said, walking between
two tents and pausing in front of the one marked 'Infirmary'. "You ready?" he
asked, looking back at Buffy.

Buffy took a deep breath, those two words sending shivers up her spine. Was
she ready? She wasn't sure herself. She had come so far, and there was no
turning back now- not that she wanted to. What she wanted more than anything
was to be right with Riley again. "Yeah," she said, swallowing hard and
looking back at Xander and Graham. "I think I finally am."

Xander reached out, grabbing Buffy's hand and squeezing it tight. "You are,"
he said, quickly letting go and following Graham's lead as he walked into the
tent.

+++

Riley sighed, throwing his magazine onto the table that sat beside his bed.
Sitting in the infirmary was making him restless, and he hated thinking that
the thing that put him in here could possibly be putting someone else in
right about now- like Graham.

He sighed, feeling like a fool for how things had gone down the other night.
He had been careless, and he had nearly gotten himself killed. Or, as Graham
tells it, he *had* gotten himself killed, and the paramedics unit had brought
him back.

He closed his eyes, but the sound of movement by the door caused them to fly
open. He breathed a sigh of relief as he watched Graham walk in, but all
breath left him as he saw who was behind him.

"Xander," he said, sitting up in bed and feeling his hands begin to shake. If
Xander was here, surely something had happened to Buffy. She could be hurt,
or dead or-

Riley blinked. She was none of those things, but instead- right behind
Xander. Looking more beautiful than ever, Riley noticed. He wasn't sure such
a thing was possible, but there was a softness to her features that hadn't
been there before.

They stared at each other for a minute, their eyes locked and neither saying
a word. Graham and Xander looked at them, both a bit uncomfortable to be
there when so much was happening without anything being said.

Riley looked away finally, turning his gaze to Graham. "Demon?" he asked,
remembering where Graham had been.

"Gone," Graham answered. "Canyon's all clear."

"Good," Riley said, nodding. He turned back to Buffy, who still stared back
at him. He opened his mouth to say something, tho he was unsure what words
would come out.

The sound of Buffy's sob filled the room, and Riley closed his mouth as he
watched the slayer break down in front of him.

Buffy brought her hand to her mouth, covering it as quickly as she could, but
unable to keep in the sounds of a broken heart she had kept silent for so
long. Seeing Riley in front of her- hurt, looking at her for some answer she
wasn't sure she had- it was all too much, and the tears flowed freely.

"Ok," Xander said, looking nervously from Buffy, to Riley and back to Graham.
"I think that Graham and I should go catch up on old times, and you two can,
um, talk things out." He patted Graham on the arm. "Sound good to you?"

"Yeah," Graham said, nodding. "I'll be back later." He turned, heading for
the door, but stopped for a moment, fishing something from his pocket.

He stepped back, handing it to Buffy. "Here," he said, handing her his
handkerchief. "Don't be too hard on yourself."

Buffy took it, gripping it within her palm. "It's a little too late for
that," she said, sighing. "Thank you."

Graham nodded, walking past her again to meet Xander at the door. "Some
scene, huh?" he said as they closed the door.

"Yeah," Xander said. "I kinda had a feeling that was coming. She thinks she
has to be so strong, you know?"

"Yeah," Graham agreed. "Riley too. I think he thinks- we all know he's been
through a lot of shit, so he's gotta go out there and kill twice as many
demons."

"A loose cannon, right?" Graham nodded. "Buffy's like that too," Xander said,
sighing as they walked around the tent. "You see her get all gung-ho with the
slaying, you know something's up."

"Sounds like Riley," Graham said, sitting down at a table. "Too bad they
couldn't make it work without having to go through all that they did."

"I don't know," Xander said, sitting down across from him. "I think it was a
good thing." Off of Graham's look, Xander continued. "I mean, not the whole
vampire thing, or the near-death experience stuff, but," he said, shrugging,
"I think this whole thing has made Buffy face up to a lot of things she
needed to. And I think she's a better person for it now."

"I hope so," Graham said, looking back at the infirmary. "I think they'll
both need to be to make things work this time."

+++

"Buffy," Riley said, swinging his legs over the side of the bed and wincing
at the pain that filled his chest as he did so. "Please stop crying."

Buffy took Graham's handkerchief and wiped the tears away. She took a deep
breath; ashamed of the state she was in. Of the many ways she had imagined
seeing Riley again, her in tears was not one of them. She was supposed to be
strong- not this sobbing mess. "I'm sorry," she said, stepping closer to
him. "It's just- seeing you after so long..."

Riley nodded. "I know." He stared at her for another moment, taken in by this
new softness she displayed. "You look beautiful. I mean, you always did,
but-"

"You don't have to say that," Buffy said, stepping even closer. "I must look
like a mess. Xander and I have been driving pretty much non-stop for a week
now. I think it's been a good two days since I've showered," she said,
tucking her hair nervously behind her ear and chiding herself for looking so
horrible.

"You look fine to me," Riley said softly. "But again- you always did. You
drove all this way to me?"

"Yeah," Buffy said, nodding. She took a chair and pulled it in front of Riley
and sat down. "It's a long story. But I was told to find you here, and that
you needed me."

"Ah," Riley said, nodding. He looked down, his hand pressing against the
bandage that covered his abdomen. Just the light pressure caused him to
wince again.

"I guess I was too late," she said, staring at the spot where his hand
tenderly covered his wound. "I should be used to that by now."

"I needed a lot more than backup, Buffy," Riley said, looking up at her. "I
don't want to bring up old stuff, but that was always the issue with us. I
needed you for more than you knew."

"I think we need to bring up old stuff, Riley," she said, meeting his gaze.
"I don't think we can go on without doing that."

"We're going on?" Riley asked, his eyebrows raised.

"You don't want to?"

"Buffy," Riley said, sighing as he ran his fingers through his hair. "It's
not that easy. It might have been that easy back in December, but it's not
now. Maybe if we had tried to work things out- but you didn't come for me,
Buffy."

"I did," Buffy said, her voice desperate. "I saw you leave. I watched the
helicopter go."

Riley looked at Buffy, unbelieving. "You came?"

Buffy nodded, her eyes starting to tear again as she remembered that night.
She wrapped her arms around herself. "I wasn't going to. I didn't think it
was fair," she said, sighing. "But I had a little divine intervention."

"God?" Riley asked, more confused than ever.

"Xander," Buffy said, smiling a bit. "He said a lot of things that I think I
really needed to hear. A lot of things," she said again. "And I knew he was
right. So I ran to you."

Buffy looked down. "I never ran so hard in my life. I couldn't lose you.
Every step I took- I put everything I had into them." She got up, moving
behind the chair and turning to face the wall. "But it wasn't enough." She
lowered her head, turning back to him. "*I* wasn't enough, Riley."

"Buffy-" he said, but she cut him off.

"Let me finish," she said, sighing as she began to pace. "I got there, and I
saw the helicopter lifting off. I saw you inside it, and I screamed for you.
I called out your name, but you didn't hear me." She looked back to him. "You
didn't right? Because I just thought- maybe you did, and you left anyway. I
mean, not that I would blame you but-"

"I didn't hear you," Riley interrupted. "The blades- they're too loud. You
can hardly hear the guy next to you."

"OK," Buffy said, breathing a sigh of relief. "I just thought-"

"I would never do that, Buffy," Riley said, leaning back against the bed
frame. "I wanted you to come so much."

"I know," Buffy said, nodding. "I'm so sorry I wasn't in time. I'm so sorry I
didn't give us the chance to fix things when they needed to be."

Riley shook his head, unbelieving. For months, he had thought that Buffy
didn't care. He imagined her angrily working out in the back room of the
Magic Box as his helicopter lifted off and flew away. He never would have
imagined she was right beneath it.

"Buffy," he began, mulling his words over before he spoke them. "Why are you
here? Really?"

"I want us to give it another try," she said, sitting back down and folding
her hands in her lap. "The guy who told me where to find you-" Buffy stopped,
smiling. "Actually, he was a demon."

"A demon?"

"A green demon with horns who runs a karaoke bar in LA, actually." Buffy
laughed.

"You're pulling my leg now," Riley said, cracking a smile. "So this demon
told you where to find me?"

"In a really roundabout way," she said, nodding. "He told me that we were
meant to be together, and that you needed me, and that I needed to find you.
So I did." She exhaled, looking up at him.

"I went on this quest with Xander to find you," she began again. "But I
think-" She looked down, nervously picking at her cuticles before she went
on. "I think what I really found was myself."

Buffy got up again, beginning her pace once more. "I wasn't the best person
when we were together, Riley. I treated you so unfairly, and I didn't see it
until you were gone. From the moment I watched that helicopter fly away- I
started to change. At first, I closed down- even more than when we were
together. I thought- enough. Give Buffy's heart a break. I'll just hide it
away because if people can't see it- they can't hurt it." She sighed. "They
can't break it."

"Buffy-"

"I'm not blaming you, Riley. You didn't break my heart. I did. I was the one
who did everything wrong."

"I can't say I was blameless, Buffy. I went to those vampires," Riley said,
looking up at her.

"You went because you thought I didn't need you."

"Did you?" Riley asked, watching her face for an answer, and finding one
before she even spoke another word.

"Of course," Buffy said, stopping. "God. Of course I did. I just- I couldn't
show you. Riley, being a slayer- it's like I'm trained to be strong. Not just
outside, but inside as well. If I broke down- if I showed someone how weak I
really was..." She sighed. "I felt ashamed. Ashamed of the side of me that
was as weak as anyone else."

"But you shouldn't be, Buffy. I didn't fall in love with the slayer. I fell
in love with the girl."

"I know," she said, nodding. "I know that now. But I just couldn't let anyone
see that side of me. Especially you."

"Why me especially?"

Buffy smiled. "Because you're the one I loved the most."

Riley's eyes grew wide as the words he had wanted so badly to be spoken
finally were. "Oh," was all he managed to say. He looked down, a smile
spreading across his features.

At the sight, Buffy sat back down and reached for his hands. "I love you,
Riley. I always did. And I want the chance to not just tell you, but to show
you too." She smiled as he looked up at her. "Come back with me."

If Riley could have stood up without reopening all of his stitches, he would
have. This was definitely a pace around the room moment for him. He looked
over at her, at her hopeful eyes staring back and sighed. "I can't, Buffy.
I'm sorry."

Buffy frowned, feeling the tears start to brim again. "Riley-"

"Buffy," Riley said, gripping her hands tight. "It's not that I don't love
you. God knows, I always will. I never was able to help myself much when it
came to that. It's just-" Riley looked down, sighing. "This is a big thing
you're asking for."

"I know," Buffy said, her voice meek.

"It's a big thing," Riley said again. "I'd be changing my whole life. Again.
And I just don't know- I don't know if I can take that chance again because a
part of me feels like if we go back..." Riley frowned. "If we go back- I'm
not sure the same thing wouldn't happen all over again."

"It wouldn't," Buffy said, shaking her head. "I promise you Riley. I wouldn't
let it."

"I don't know," Riley said, shaking his head. "Buffy, you came to me that
night because Xander told you to. You came to me now because some demon told
you to. I need to know you're capable of making things right all on your own.
I need something more than just promises, Buffy. I need something concrete."

Buffy nodded, realizing he was right. Every decision she was using as an
example of how she had changed was one she had come to with the help of
someone else. She took a deep breath, looking into his eyes. "Ok," she said,
relenting. "You're right. You need something concrete." She stopped, smiling
at him, but unable to hide the nervousness it covered.

"Marry me."

To Be Continued....