Tortallan Weakest Link
Chapter 2~ Round 1

Anne: We're Back! So get ready for the......Drumroll you idiots!... The Weakest Link! Who should be locked in the Chamber Of Ordeals? Who makes a Scanran Raider look like a Carthaki Royal University scholar? Find out on The Weakest Link - Tortallan Edition...

Start the clocks! First question: Thayet... What nation is a small southern country made up of whores, merchants and lots of swampwater.

Thayet: Ummmm..... Tortall?

Anne: Wrong! You airheaded bitch! I knew Alanna was better for Jon all along! Haahaa. Now I get to laugh in your face and watch your pretty little face contort in a million little grimaces of awful, scary, horrible, evil, painful pain! Mwahaahaahaa! I am so evil. Even Duke Roger would love me.

George: Excuse me! Are you saying that my wife is better off with another man! I challenge you to a duel! *remembers what happened to Keladry who is still whimpering pitifully* Or maybe not... But I can't look like a coward in front of my wife. Jon! I challenge you to a duel because you are an insolent, selfish prig and she happened to say you were better off for my wife.

Jon: But I thought we were friends.

George: *very confused now, scratches his big thick head* Ummm...We are, your majesty. But I don't want to duel with her! *points to Anne* She's scary!

Jon: Ohh. Okay.. *thinks* Hey! I don't have to fight. I can get Raoul to kick your ass for me! But I might be getting a little rusty in combat. Okay, let's have an arm wrestle. You can't use any of those freaky little knife things you hide up your sleeve. Yeah, this is my best idea since letting girls become pages!

Thayet: Ummm.... Excuse me here. It was MY idea to let girls become pages.

Jon: Oh yeah. Well then. Let's get on with it.

*Jon and George start wrestling. But George is so insane with jealousy and grief about his wife, he's very protective, did I forget to mention that? That he won't play fair. George stabs Jon in the dick with a knife he pulled from his pantleg. Jon isn't dead, but he's hurt.*

George: Hahaha. He didn't say I couldn't use knives form my pants. He's the last person who will ever dishonour my family again! My wife is all mine. No one will ever find out what it's like to screw a lioness.

Alanna: Hey! Is that all you think our relationship is about? Sex? What about walks down the beach at sunsets, and candlelight suppers and raising our beautiful children.

George: But those all involve sex.

Alanna: True. Okay, I admit it. You win. But don't let it happen again *she narrows her eyes* Or I'll have ot challenge YOU to a duel. And you can't beat me, even if you cheat with your VERY SHARP KNIVES! Hey, is Jon okay?

Thayet: *comes out of La-la-land. She was so bored she started filing her nails* What! Is something wrong with Jon! Ohmigod! My little Jonniekins!

Jon: I'm okay Thayet. But I doubt we'll be able to have any more children. I'll probably have to go see Numair's "special doctor".

Daine: What! Numair sees a "special doctor" I knew there was something wrong with his dick. It wasn't half as much fun to suck as yours was, Jonnie sweetheart. I grieve for a lost sex partner.

Thayet: What! You little whore! *She runs up to George reaches down his pants, grabs things, and starts pulling things out. She pulls up a cell phone, loose change, a calculator watch* Cool! I've always wanted one of those! *She puts it on, the continues digging*
A great big pair of Polka Dot Shorts! How did THEY get there? *Finally Thayet pulls out a knife and stabs George.* That's for my hubby's dick! *Then Thayet pulls out more swords and stabs Jon and Daine* That's for cheating on me, you fucking bastard! And that's for making him cheat on me with your evil powers!

Alanna: *Wide eyed in shock!* George! My little sex kitten! You were closer than Faithful to me! And that's saying something. All those years we've spent together. I never meant to be slutty. I made a mistake about Jon and Liam. Forgive me! *She reaches down George's pants and after a little pulling and tugging finds a knife. She drives it through her heart while singing sappy love balads.*

Anne: Times up! Well ladies and gentlemen. This episode surpassed even my high expectations about the scandals I could cook up. Just so you know, this is not fake! Tortall is now without a king, and we've lost the King's Champion, Wildmage, Baron of Pirate's Swoop and only Mithros knows where Numair is. He's probably committed suicide by now. Ohya. Out of a A POSSIBLE 125,000 GOLDEN NOBLES; YOU TEAM, *only 3 people are left alive, Thayet, Kel and Ozorne* MADE A PATHETIC 0 GOLDEN NOBLES! It's now time to vote off who you thin is the weakest link! We'll return after these incredibly sappy and fucked up messages. Thanks for watching!