Normal Howard Bradley 4 1 2001-11-12T18:18:00Z 2001-11-12T18:18:00Z 2 980 5589 Self 46 11 6863 9.2720

               I press my  ear to the door of my babys room, I hear her sobs and sigh. I walk off and slowly place the key to Kara 's and mine's room. Slowly I open the door. I can smell her, I can almost see her smiling at me. Her favourite evening dress is on the bed, next to it is what I came in for. Kara's favourite jewellry. I go to the dresser and rumage carefully for the box to the jewels. I find it and I sit on the bed, careful not to sit on the dress. I pick up the necklace, the diamonds and amethyst glisten in the light. Kara hated gold, so I insisted on this being silver. I wanted to have her buried wearing these but Stephy told me to keep them for Thalia. I place the chain in the box and similarly add the ring and earrings. I close the box and get up. I pick up a cd from the shelf and left the room. I locked the door and locked the pain away again. I stand by my daughters door and I tap on the wood. I open the door and smile weekly at my eight year old daughter who has tears that glisten on her cheeks. I approach her and leaning over I wipe away her tears with my thumb. I smile at her, she holds her arms out in the international sign of the hug. I sit down and hug her. When she pulls away she looks at the box in my hand.

               "What's that?" she asks

               "It's for you." I hand it to her. I watch her open the box. Her eyes widen and sparkle with the reflection of the precious stones.

               "Dad, they're beautiful. Are they Aunt Stephy's?" I laugh.

               "No baby, they were your Moms. They were her favourites and I thought you should have them." I take out the necklace and I place it around her throat.

               "Thank you Daddy." she reminds me of Stephanie and Dad. It's a father and daughter thing. I don't believe that Steph hasn't had kids yet. The attention Drew and Steph throw on Thalia is excessive. Thalia hugs me again.

               "Thalia, I'm going to tell you everything that happened with your Mom and I." I sigh and show her to my study. I open my drawer and take out Kara's final letter. "Your mom wrote this when she ws in prison, just before... she died." I can't say killed herself or suicide. I hand her the note, she reads it aloud.

               "Shane,

               I love you, I love you so much that it hurts for me to write this. I can't live anymore. I didn't do anything but in here I feel so guilty.

               My cellmate punishes me for 'hurting' you.

               I could never hurt you, I'm sorry.

               I'm sorry for everything, especially for not telling you about our baby. I couldn't, I wanted to, but I wanted you to marry me for love, not because I was pregnant. I hope you can understand.

               I have no choice but to kill myself, if I don't I will be killed.

               When you read this I'll be dead. I'm a selfish bitch. Where ever I go after death, I'll be watching over you.

               Just do one thing for me, promise me. Promise me you will leave Marissa, she's no good. I love you. Kara." I'm crying, I haven't read that letter since I first recieved it. I want to compose myself but I can't. I still feel responsible for her death. "Who's Marissa?"

               "I was married to that.... her before I met your momma. I haven't seen her since your mother died. Your mother always thought it was her who shot me, I know she did now. I didn't know bout you at all, until we were in court...." I let you and broke down, Thalia is edging out of the room. I'm sitting here crying, for the first time in eight years I'm crying over Kara. I put on the CD I took from our room and sat listening to the words. 'I want love but it's impossible, a man like me so irresponsible, a man like me is dead in places other men feel liberated. And I can't love shot full of holes......' Elton Johns haunting voice fills the room. I can picture the video for this song, Robert Downey Jr. walking round an empty house. I can relate to him in this video. My mind drifts to Kara singing this song one night. She sounded beautiful. 'I want a love that won't break me down, won't brick me up, won't fence me in. I want love that don't mean a thing. I want love.' I stopped listening and thought of all the good memories of myself and Kara, I remember of how we tickled each other into submission. She won, something I always denied, she kissed me until I submitted. A new song has begun, I think it's  'Leyna' by Billy Joel, She used to change the lyrics to 'Shane O', each of these song has a memory. I glance at the case, I read the titles of the songs. Kara had an interesting taste in music. Another song catches my eye, Snakes by Robert Downey Jr. thinking about it she must have been attracted to him. I was a snake. God, eight years, she seems to have been gone forever in my heart. I still need her, I need her so much. "Kara, I'm sorry, I need you. I love you, I always have and I always will. Forgive me, please. Please Kara, please." I plead, my blurry eyes never leave her picture. I think back to her funeral, but I remember so little of it.

               I stood in my black suit and white shirt, nothing overly special. Marissa was next to me fiddling with her perfectly manicured nail. I couldn't get her out of my life, she apologized repeatedly and said that she'd be Thalia's mother. I can't cry, my heart was heavy with tears, but they didn't seem to come out of my eyes. I looked at Kara's mother sobbing into a lace handkerchief, I wasn't able to feel anything, I dropped my clump of soil and left silently, Marissa following close behind. At the reception cum wake Kara's mother came to talk to me, she was carrying my daughter.

               "Mr McMahon, I'd like to thank you."

               "Why?" I asked almost bored with the conversation already.

               "For the service, it was beautiful." Thalia was handed to me carefully. "You meant a great deal to Kara, I just wished I understood what happened."

               "Me too," I mutter smiling weakly. I know what happened, I killed her, simple.

               "Shaney, I'm going shopping for a new outfit." Marissa says in my ear.

               "Fine," it's all I can manage. I remember my promise to Kara. "But don't come back Marissa, I don't need you and neither does my daughter."

               That was it, the last I saw of Marissa, she called me and must have taken her things, but I never saw her again. I lost the two loves of my life that day. I dry my eyes and I turn off the music. I knock my hair out of my eyes, I've grown it since then, it now rests just above my shoulder, it's my way of forgetting the past. I glance at my watch, Smackdown! starts in a few minutes.