Scene Two
Rehearsals Bite the Big One
The scene opens on the next day of school. It is bright, sunny and warm; birds sing in the lush green trees. We see MIYU and the CHINESE SHINMA out in the grassy field of their school during their lunch break, open books of Shakespeare's play, Hamlet, in hand. Yoto and Miyu and standing, Kia and Yoshi are leaning against a tree, and Kitsune lays on the ground as if passed-out. Ryuko and Tacha as well as a few other of their classmates stand further off to the side.
KIA: (Calling to Yoto) So, tell me again why we're doing this scene.
YOTO: Because the graveyard scene is one of the most famous scenes in the entire tragedy. Besides, it also is one of the few scenes with many of the main characters in one location; makes it easy for all of us since everyone has a part.
RYUKO: What I find weirder is the fact that Kitsune graciously accepted the part of Ophelia…I mean, I thought that you would have kicked up a fuss at the very notion, Kit.
KITSUNE: (From the ground). Well, if you remember right, Ophelia is dead at this part, and there's no easier role to play than that of a stiff.
MIYU: So you keep saying, but we haven't been able to get through this once without you cracking up every time Hamlet and Laertes "jump" into the grave to mourn over your corpse. (KITSUNE laughs). See, that's what I mean.
TACHA: And why did you want to be Horatio again, Miyu? Some girls would make a bigger deal of having to play a guy than that than Kitsune having to play Ophelia.
KITSUNE: That's not true!
MIYU: Like I said, I have to work on my English, even if it is Old English, and Horatio seems to fit the part. And it's not like we're going to be in costume, anyway; we just say our lines right?
YOSHI: If we did have to be in costume, there would be no way in hell That I'd be doing this.
ALL: Amen to that.
YOTO: All right, we only have a week to learn our parts. Where we were?
MIYU: The Gravediggers are talking, I think. We haven't exactly made a lot of progress, you know.
YOTO: (sighs) Don't remind me. (To KIA and YOSHI) All right Clowns, take is away!
(The twins stare at him blankly)
YOTO: (after a pause): Well?
KIA: I don't know what you're looking at us for. There aren't any clowns in the play!
YOTO: (sighs again). You two are the Clowns, Kia. That's what the Gravediggers were called back then.
YOSHI: Then why not call us Gravediggers then?
YOTO: Because that's not what they're called in the play. Now, if we can please…
KIA: Well, why can't we just call them Gravediggers? I mean, Clowns really don't do anything for the imagery of the graveyard, you know.
YOSHI: You know, she has a point there. I mean, when you say Gravediggers, yeah, I can see two rutty looking guys digging a grave. But clowns? I mean, then I see two guys in white makeup and rainbow wigs out there instead.
YOTO: (slapping hand to forehead) It doesn't really matter! Will you just do your parts?
KITSUNE: (opening an eye) You know Yoto, they got a point. I mean, the term "Clowns" really doesn't do the play justice, does it?
FEMALE CLASSMATE: (sheepishly, hiding behind Tacha) I don't like Clowns…
YOTO: Oh, fer Chrissakes…fine then, skipping ahead. Hamlet and Horatio have more important dialogue anyway. You two just learn your lines by the due date.
KIA: Whatever, man. (under her breath, mostly to her brother) Clowns indeed…I'm so glad we really don't have to dress up…
YOTO: (flips through the pages of his book) Okay….Miyu, let's start where Hamlet and Horatio first walk into the scene… (clears throat) "Has this fellow no feeling of his business, that he sings at grave-making?"
MIYU: "Custom hath made it in him…"
YOSHI: (Calling from off to the side) Whoa, whoa, whoa, no one said anything about singing!
YOTO: What?
YOSHI: (turns book around and points to the dialogue) Right here, see! (Turns it over and reads) "But age, with his stealing steps, hath claw'd me in his clutch, and hath shipped me intil the land, as if I had never been such…" What the hell is this? I mean, there aren't even any lyrics!
YOTO: (rolling his eyes) You don't have to sing, Yoshi. Just read is as you would any other part. Okay, where were we… "'Tis e'en so: the hand of little employment hath the daintier sense."
(The rehearsal goes for a bit without any major problems (shocking, I know). When Yoto begins Hamlet's most famous dialogue, everyone is almost moved to tears.
YOTO: (with heart) "Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio: a fellow of infinite jest, of most excellent fancy: he hath borne me on his back a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! my gorge rims at it. Here hung those lips that I have kissed I know not how oft. Where be your gibes now? Your gambols? your songs? your flashes of merriment, that were wont to set the table on a roar? Not one now, to mock your own grinning? quite chap-fallen? Now get you to my lady's chamber, and tell her, let her paint an inch thick, to this favour she must come; make her laugh at that. Prithee, Horatio, tell me one thing."
CLASSMATES: (teary-eyed) Yoto-kun…sugoi…
RYUKO: Man, he really gets into this stuff, doesn't he? He almost make me feel…inspired.
TACHA: (Out of the corner of her eye) Almost?
RYUKO: (pouts) I wanted to be Hamlet…
(The continue on, once again unhindered, mostly because it's Hamlet speaking with little bits by Horatio. They come onto the part where the funeral party makes an entrance)
YOTO: "O, that that earth, which kept the world in awe, should patch a wall to expel the winter flaw! But soft! but soft! aside: here comes the king!" (pause) King?
RYUKO: Oh, that's us. (They proceed forward. RYUKO clears his throat and speaks as Laertes) "Lay her i' the earth: And from her fair and unpolluted flesh May violets spring! I tell thee, churlish priest, A ministering angel shall my sister be, When thou liest howling."
YOTO: "What! The…"
RYUKO: (interrupting) I said, "Lay her i' the earth: And from her…"
YOTO: No, no, no, that was part of the dialogue, Ryuko.
RYUKO: Oh, sorry. My bad.
MIYU: And is was going good, too
YOTO: (Looking slightly frustrated) So happens when you work with a lot of people at once. Where were we…
TACHA: (As Queen Gertrude) "Sweets to the sweet: farewell!" (KITSUNE starts to snicker. TACHA and the rest groan). See Kit, this is what we mean! You're a stiff, so act like one.
KITSUNE: Sorry. It just sounds funny.
TACHA: Believe me, when it's referring to you, it's pretty damn amusing as well. A-HEM! (reaches into her pocket and continues reading, throwing down flower on KITSUNE) "I hoped thou shouldst have been my Hamlet's wife…"
RYUKO: "O, treble woe Fall ten times treble on that cursed head, Whose wicked deed thy most ingenious sense Deprived thee of! Hold off the earth awhile, Till I have caught her once more in mine arms"
(There is a pause. They all look at each other)
YOTO: This is where Laertes leaps into the grave to embrace the body of his sister.
(Once again, a pause)
ALL: Eew….
YOTO: Back when this was written, this part was considered tragic. Many people were crying in the theaters, men and women both.
RYUKO: The Westerners are still weird. And I think we all know what from personal experiences… (Miyu and the CHINESE SHINMA all grin at each other. The other students take it as some inside joke.) Okay…I leap to embrace my sister!
(RYUKO does leap…sort of. He more ends up tripping and falling right on Kitsune)
KITSUNE: OOWW! That was a pretty lousy leap, Ryuko!
RYUKO: It wasn't my fault! It was that stupid rock!
KITSUNE: What rock? You're just a klutz! Oow! Get off!
YOSHI: (From the background) Aw, Ryuko, that's sick! Necrophiliac!
RYUKO: (Shouting back) It's not that!
KIA: Not even that, but Necrophiliac incest!
(Everyone recoils away as Kitsune and Ryuko try to untangle themselves)
TACHA: I thought that the Westerners were weird, but you two are blowing it out of proportion!
RYUKO and KITSUNE: You are all sooo dead when we get my hands on you!
KIA: (background) Demote incest!
MIYU: Methinks it's time for a break. What about you?
YOTO: Indeed. (They leave the scene of chaos)
From a further distance in the field, their TEACHER watches with tears streaming down his face.
TEACHER: Brilliant! Simply brilliant! Never before have I seen such dedication from students! Well, then, this changes everything! (He moves to a well-recognized anime pose, with his arms crossed and a fire raging behind him) I will have to see that they are treated with proper respect! AHHAHAHAHAHAHA!
STUDENT: (Somewhere in the background): Kyaaa! Someone call the fire department! The Shakespeare sensei's on fire again!
