By: GoroGoroGuy
I don't own Zelda. If I DID, I would be rolling in cash right now, with a laptop. I don't own any Harry potter references (There are a few) in this fic, and I also don't own Lost. And since roughly three networks show it now, I'm not really sure who does.
Also, I heard somewhere that Lost (The TV one) is doing poorly. I don't know if this is true or not, but if so, then where they failed, I shall triumph! And if I can't do that, I'm gonna get me a slurpee and a burger and then eat bagels till I puke. That always works for me. ^_^
EEP! I didn't put a disclaimer on my last fic! Th-This could get ugly…AHHH!!! *Runs away*
Scene: The set of Lost: ZE. GoroGoroGuy is sitting on an inflatable couch, listening to music on his MP3 player. (a/n: I actually have one, too.)
Guy off camera: AAAAAAnnnd…Action!
*GGGuy doesn't look up*
GOC: ACTION!
*GGGuy pushes the "power" button on his MP3 player and takes off his headphones*
GOC: I SAID ACTION, YOU LAZY SON OF A BI***!
GGGuy: *looks up* What? Oh, sorry, didn't even know I was on.
GOC: It's about darn time! Get on with the script!
GGGuy: Oh, fine, don't blow a fuse. Okay…where was I…oh, yeah. As you all know, last episode I aired a contest allowing you, the faithful reader, to put in your review, or E-mail, your choice of a new host. I have counted the votes, added my own vote to break a tie, and the winner is…*Drum roll* DARU, (a/n: I made that name up, as he had no real name) THE BABY GORON FROM MM! Let's give him a big round of applause! Come on out, Daru!
*Lots of applause*
GGGuy: I said, come on out! Let's give him a big hand!
*Even more applause, but Daru doesn't come out*
GGGuy: I SAID, COME ON OUT, DARU!
*Daru comes out from backstage in a suit and tie, running as fast as he can* (a/n: Which isn't very fast, if you watched him during MM.)
GGGuy: You'd better have a good excuse, Daru!
Daru: I had to go to the bathroom!
*GGGuy gives him "the look" *
Daru: (Sheepishly) Sorry…
GGGuy: That's okay, just as long as you remember to go before the show next time, capeshe?
Daru: Okay.
GGGuy: I'm going to go now, so do a good job hosting, okay?
Daru: Great.
GGGuy: Bye, everyone! *Walks off stage*
Daru: Well, that was amazing. I'm sure we'll all mi-
GGGuy: Hold on, I forgot my keys! *Comes running back on the set, grabs a set of keys off the coffee table, and leaves*
Daru: (Dr. Evil imitation) RRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT… Anyway, I'm sure we'll all miss him, though. Isn't that right?
Guy in audience: *Stands up* Not really. He was a bad host. He insulted my intelligence.
Daru: I didn't ask for opinions. It says on the screen up there you're supposed to agree with me.
GIA: But he could insult the intelligence of a first grader!
Daru: *Looks worried* Huh boy, now what did GGGuy tell me to do with people who insulted him again? *Pulls a manual entitled "GGGuy's guide to hosting bad fanfiction remakes of even worse reality shows" out of his pocket* Let me see here… *Flips through the pages*…Insult section…category "Hecklers"…Sub-category "Guys who stand up and insult the author"…Column "B"…Ah, here it is! Let me see…uh…all right! *Ahem* SECURITY! GET THIS GUY OUT OF HERE! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *All panels of glass within 1 mile break *
Another voice off camera: COMING!
*Two beefy security guys with the numbers 1 or 2 or their backs come running out of the backstage area, one armed with a stun gun*
Security guy 2: There's the poor sap! Shoot him!
Security guy 1: *Shoots Guy in audience with his stun gun* Pegged him! YES! *Does a victory dance*
Security guy 2: Great work, Bill, that's the thirteenth one this week! At this rate, you'll break the stun record in about a month!
Security guy 1: I know. It's so strange, though. These guys just seem to WANT to be shot.
Security guy 2: I know. It's just so weird, ya know.
Security guy 1: Hey, I'm having a poker game at my place tomorrow night. Wanna come? There'll be free food!
Security guy 2: Heck yeah! I'll see if Max an-
Daru: CAN YOU JUST GRAB THE POOR GUY, OR DO I HAVE TO HURT YOU TWO!? MUST I REMIND YOU WHO SIGNS THE CHECKS AROUND HERE!?
Both security guys: *SIGH* Yes, boss…*they both lug the heckler offstage, muttering bad words that I can't write here*
Daru: Thank you. Now, on to the plan. In case you skipped through the chapters of this fic with no shame or remorse like some common dung beetle, here are the contestants!
Contestants are as follows:
Ruto: Sage of water. Age: 17
Quote: "As long as I'm with Link, I'll be fine!"
Zelda: Princess of Hyrule. Age: 17
Quote: "I hope I don't lose my makeup kit!"
Skullkid: Weirdo who lives the Lost Woods. Age: 17 (That's right. 17. Any questions?)
Quote: "I hope GGGuy doesn't remember that I know every inch of Termina and Hyrule by heart!"
Darmani: Current leader of the Termina Goron tribe. Age: 41
Quote: "Everyone likes Saria's song where I come from. I'm bringing a tape of it so I can listen to it all the time!"
Ganondorf: Big bad guy, never seems to die. Age: 49
Quote: "If I win, I'm getting a nose job!"
Raru: Sage of light. Age: 438
Quote: "You know, I think that this whole thing is a great idea. After all, what a better way to find out if we can work together then to get lost somewhere in the middle of an unfamiliar place with no supplies or weapons! I mean, people today are so soft. When I was young, I worked out quite often. But then I hit 100, and my metabolism changed like THAT. So now I'm really fat and ugly, but I'm on a diet plan that promise that I'll go into the normal weight range in roughly two years. But frankly, I haven't seen any difference. I still look like a big chicken burrito in a robe. I like chicken, but it isn't on the diet plan…"
Saria: Sage of Forest. Age: 17
Quote: "I hope I get a good partner. I hope GGGuy doesn't match me up with someone like Ruto."
Link: Hero of time. Age: 17 (noticing that most people here are 17?)
Quote: "As long as I'm not with Ruto, I'll be happy."
Daru: That was BEFORE they were matched with their partners. They've been with their partners for two days now. Now, here's how the teams are doing!
Status check
Ruto and Saria: Rupee amount: 120.
Location: Gerudo Desert, Hyrule.
Getting along: Maybe.
Currently have their bonus and clue, and are now roaming the gerudo desert with absolutely no idea where they're going.
Darmani and Zelda: Rupee amount: 20.
Location: Ikana Canyon, Termina.
Getting along: Not really.
Currently exploring Ikana canyon, they still have no idea where they are.
Ganondorf and Raru: Rupee amount: 20.
Location: Snowhead Temple area, Termina.
Getting along: What do YOU think? I mean, the big-nosed king of evil and a way-too-talkative old man with a weight problem do NOT mix.
They are currently still where they started, with no idea where they are.
Link and Skullkid: Rupee amount: 20.
Location: Zora's Domain, Hyrule.
Getting along: Probably.
Currently are trapped in Zora's Domain because they both would know exactly how to get to Hyrule castle if they were not contained. In order to keep them away from the prize and give the other teams a fighting chance, they must solve a puzzle to gain access to the 100-rupee bonus and clue. In order to escape, they must first complete all the Zelda games in the order of which they occurred in time, dieing only a maximum of five times in total.
Link and Skullkid's other options are: Listen to "KING ZORA'S GREATEST HITS, NOW DIGITALLY REMASTERED," or "Raru's Pointless stories. These will have you banging your head against the wall! Bore friends, relatives, family, and the occasional annoying fairy, without causing (Well, not much) long-term brain damage!"
Daru: Now, without further ado, let's see what they're doing now! Roll the footage!
Darmani and Zelda's day
Scene: Morning, day three. Ikana canyon. Darmani is curled up in a ball, while Zelda is in her sleeping bag.
Zelda: *yawn* Mornin' Darm.
Darmani: *grunts, but doesn't get up*
Zelda: Wake up. We've got a big day today. I can feel it.
Darmani: Shut up and let me sleep. I ate too many rocks yesterday…
Zelda: Lazy bum. Well, I'd better go find some food…
*Zelda walks off towards Sakons's hideout*
Zelda: Doo-de-doo-doo-doo…*Looking for fish at the river's edge*
*Sakon walks up behind her and pushes her into the river*
Zelda: EEK! HELP ME! *Gets washed downstream into the Southern Swamp area*
Sakon: *Grins that GAY grin* MEHEEHEEHEE! *Prances off to god knows where*
(Meanwhile, at Zelda and Darmani's campsite…)
Darmani: *Listening to Saria's song on his tape player, dancing like a drunk mongoose* DOO DEE DOO! DOO DEE DOO! DOO DOOT DOOT DEE DOO DOO DEE DOO DOO DOO! DOO DOO DOO DOOOOO…Hey, wait a second, where's Zelda? *Listens for a second to see if he can hear her* Oh, well. I can't hear her. Too bad for her. Oh, well, it's not like some retarded bald thief with big ears that prances around like a constipated baboon on Sweet n' Low and grins all the time like he's got a piece of watermelon propped sideways in his mouth will push her into the river or anything. She's probably just taking a leak. I shouldn't worry about it. She'll be back soon, I'll bet. Now, where did I put that rock sirloin?
(At that moment, in the southern swamp)
Zelda: *At the bottom of the waterfall, soaked to the bone, and is brushing herself off* Man, who was that guy? I wonder if he's related to windmill guy? *Squeezes a ton of water out of her socks* Where am I now? I wish Impa were here. I'm hungry, and quite frankly I don't smell very good.
Weird voice above: HEEHEEHEEHEE!
Zelda: Wha-…ACK! *Gets hit by Koume, who is on a broom*
Koume: Whoops! Sorry!
Zelda: (Dazed) Duuuuuuuuhhhh…could somebody get the license number of that space shuttle? Duuuuhhhhh…
Koume: Are you all right? I'm so sorry, we just got a Qudditch field installed. (a/n: I love that sport. I wish Nintendo or some other video game company would make a it into a video game or something.)
Zelda: Wha? What happened?
Koume: It's all right, I'll help you…(Screaming) KOTAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need a potion!!!!!!!
*Kotake comes down on her broom, looking annoyed*
Kotake: What is it?
Koume: I need one red potion NOW!
Kotake: Here! Take it! *Hands a red potion to Koume*
Koume: Thanks! *Gives potion to Zelda, who takes it, but moments later turns into a fifteen-foot-tall yellow bunny with a weight problem*
Kotake: Oh, wait, that's my experimental potion. Here's the real one!
Koume: *Takes red potion from Kotake and glares at her* Don't mess around with my potion ingredients, Kotake. I'm on to you!
*Kotake sticks her tongue out at her sister*
Koume: Grrrrr…*Gives potion to a now very confused Zelda, who turns back into herself*
Zelda: I had the most horrible day! I was in a horrible reality fanfic, and I was stranded in the middle of nowhere with no food and Darmani as my partner! Then I got turned into a BUNNY! IT WAS AWFUL! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! *Breaks down into tears*
Koume: She's one taco short of combination plate.
Kotake: This one's nuts.
Koume: Flew the coop.
Kotake: Lost her marbles.
Koume: Shut up.
Kotake: No, you shut up.
Koume: No, you shut up!
Kotake: No, you shut up!
Koume: I think we should find out how she got here.
Koume: Good idea. (To Zelda) Who are you?
Zelda: *Calming down* Princess Zelda.
Koume: Why are you here?
Zelda: I'm on a reality fanfic! I have to get home to win!
Koume: And is anyone here with you?
Zelda: Yes. A Goron named Darmani.
Koume: Where is he?
Zelda: In that canyon. He probably doesn't even know I'm gone!
Koume: All right, calm down. (To Koume) Find this Goron and bring him here. And no tricks, okay?
Kotake: Fine. Should I pick up some slim fast bars for you, too?
Koume: I don't care. Just move.
Kotake: I'm going, I'm going…*Gets on broom and flies away*
Koume: Come on, up to the house, you'll be safe there…
(At this moment, Darmani is currently unaware that any of this has happened. And quite frankly, he couldn't care less.
Darmani: *Bent
over, eating a large rock* MUNCH CRUNCH! CRUNCH! MUNCH! GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLE
GULP! CHEWCHEWCHEWCHEW
CHEWCHEW!
*Kotake flies overhead*
Kotake: Where is that Goron, anyway? *Flies low to the ground* Zelda said he was around here somewhe-…ACK! *Not paying attention, Kotake flies headlong into Darmani's back, breaking her broom*
Darmani: *Looks up, but decides that nothing happened and continues to eat* CRUNCHCRUNCHCRUNCH! MUNCH GULP! GOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEGOBBLEBURP! CHEWCHEWCHEWCHEWCHEWCHEW!
Kotake: *Dazed * Owwwwwwwwwwwwww…What happened?
Darmani: *Turns around* Hullo. Who are you? Want some rocks?
Kotake: Hi. I'm Kotake, the swamp tour guide from downriver. I don't want rocks, thanks, but I need you to come with me. Zelda's been injured.
Darmani: Ah. So THAT'S why she was taking so long.
Kotake: I'd take you on my broom, but when I crashed into your rear end it got broken. We'll have to go down the river.
Darmani: I can't swim!
Kotake: Then you'd better learn how to quickly, because you have no choice!
Darmani: Oh, all right…*Jumps in river, and sinks like…a rock*
Kotake: Are you okay?
Darmani: (Underwater) Mmmm-mm-mmmm-mm-mmm-mm-mm-m-mm-mmm-m!
Kotake: What? You want me to push you down the river? Oh, fine…
Darmani: Mm-m.
Kotake: You're welcome. *Dives underwater and pushes Darmani so he rolls underwater the rest of the way*
Darmani: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!!!! *Rolls down the river*
Kotake: Geez, he was heavy. What did he eat, anyway? Cement? …Oh, wait, that is what he ate. Silly me. *Flies through the tunnel to the southern swamp*
(Southern Swamp. Darmani falls onto the ground under the waterfall, breaking the ground in the process)
Darmani: Uhhhh…What happened?
Koume: Oh, good, you're here. Zelda is waiting for you. Ah, here she comes now.
*Zelda comes running out of the potion shop towards Darmani*
Darmani: Hi Zelda! Miss me?
Zelda: Why you fat, lazy…
*Zelda runs up to Darmani, and attempts to slap him, but Darmani raises his hand and blocks it*
Darmani: AH-HA! And Darmani blocks the hit! See Zelda, I'm using your strength against you! Not so cocky now, are yo-
Zelda: *Grabs Darmani's hand and uses it to slap him repeatedly* See Darmani, I'm using your hand to slap you silly!
Darmani: Ow…ow…stop, that hurts! …Ow…ow…
Zelda: Thanks, I'm done now. *Stops slapping Darmani*
Darmani: *Rubbing his face in pain* Wow, the Elder was right, my hands ARE dangerous weapons!
Zelda: Now, could you witches tell us where we are, please?
Koume: You're in Termina. This region is the Southern Swamp.
Zelda: Thanks. Wait, aren't we supposed to get some rupees and a clue?
Daru: Here are your rupees, and your clue is "Go Around."
Zelda: Thanks. Wait a second…where did you come from?
Daru: I can Apparate! Watch! *Dissaparates with a small 'pop'* (a/n: For any of you who don't know, Apparation is a Harry Potter thing. If you can do it properly, you can vanish from one place and appear in another instantly.)
Zelda: Lucky guy.
Koume: Kotake can give you a tour if you want!
Zelda: No, I don't think we-
Darmani: YESYESYESYESYESYES! Please, Zelda, Please?
Zelda: Oh, shut up, you're a grown Goron. Don't be so immature. (To Kotake) We'll take two tickets, please!
Kotake: Okay. That'll be thirty rupees!
Zelda: Fine, here you go…*Give rupees to Kotake*
Kotake: Thank you. Now, if you'll just sign this waver saying that this whole going on the tour thing was your idea?
Zelda: I don't like the sound of this 'waver', but fine. *Signs waver*
Kotake: Smoking section or non-smoking section?
Koume: Kotake, it's a ship about two meters long.
Kotake: No, no, part of the ship's smoking. Some Deku scrubs set it on fire last night.
Koume: Again? Those punk Deku gangs will do anything to get a thrill…
Zelda: Can we go now?
Kotake: Yep. Get on the ship.
Zelda: What ship?
Kotake: Whoops. *Snaps fingers and ship appears* That better?
Zelda: Okay! Let's go!
*Both Zelda and Darmani get on board, Darmani sinking his half of the boat*
Zelda: Let's go. And go slowly. I get seasick.
*The boat sails all the way around the swamp*
Zelda: That was actually fun!
Darmani: (Queasy sounding, wobbling from side to side) Yeah…_really_ fun…Bleahhhh…*Spews chunks, in this case rocks*
Zelda: Come on, wuss, let's keep going. There has to be more to this place.
Darmani: Coming…Bleahhhh…
*Both walk out of the Swamp area, to the stretch of land that separates the swamp from Termina field*
Zelda: This is strange.
Darmani: Uhhhh…yeah. Hey, look! It's that weird fairy guy! *Points to Tingle again, who is hovering in that one place he's always at in the swamp area*
Zelda: Oh great, not HIM again. Let's just sneak under him.
*Both walk quietly beneath him*
Zelda: That went well! Come on, let's see if we can find a place to stay.
Darmani: And a rock bar!
Zelda: Stop it with the rock-obsessed thing, okay?
Darmani: But I LIKE rocks!
*Both walk to Termina field, Darmani puking a few more times as they do so*
Zelda: Look, Darm! Civilization!
Darmani: Look! Pretty colors!
Zelda: What?
Darmani: Nothing.
Zelda: Let's go!
*Both of them walk into Clock town, now more modern than in MM. The milk bar is public, and a rock sirloin joint has opened in place of the treasure chest shop. *
Darmani: What a big clock…
Zelda: A hotel! And look, a milk bar!
Darmani: A rock sirloin joint! ROCKS!
Zelda: Let's check into the hotel first. Plenty of time to eat later.
Darmani: But I wanna EAT!
Zelda: We'll eat after we're done checking in.
Darmani: Okay…
*Both walk into the Stock Pot Inn, which is absent of the usually present Anju*
Zelda: Is anybody there?
Anju's voice: Coming!
*Hurried footsteps are heard from upstairs*
A Man's voice: Come back when you're done, Anju! We're not done yet, you know!
Anju: I will, honey! *Runs downstairs, hastily buttoning her dress as she runs down*
Anju: Ah, customers!
Zelda: We'd like to get a room? (a/n: Not that, you sickos!)
Anju: Do you have a reservation?
Darmani: *Cutting in* Yes. The Name's "Darmani," checking in between six a.m. and six p.m.
Anju: Ah, yes, here you are. Here's your key. *Runs back upstairs* Here I come, dear!
Zelda: You had a reservation? But how?
Darmani: I overheard Daru talking to GGGuy about the show, and how it would be a good idea to book a reservation. He doesn't know I heard him yet, though.
Daru: (Apparates behind Darmani) I do now, you big cheating oaf! *Kicks Darmani in the groin and Dissaparates*
Darmani: OwOwOwOwOw…*Whimper*
Zelda: You shouldn't have cheated. But good work anyway. Come on, let's go get something to eat.
Darmani: You can go eat your nasty food and milk. I'll go eat some rock sirloin!
Zelda: Okay. Meet you here in 3 hours.
*Camera follows Zelda as she walks into the milk bar. A band is playing on the stage, and about 30 people or so are talking to each other in small groups or eating*
Zelda: (To bartender, who's out of the camera's range) Hey! Bartend! Milk and a rare steak, if you please! *Sits down at bar*
*A whole, live cow comes sliding down the counter towards Zelda, who avoids it at the last second, and crashes with a 'moo!' down at the other end*
Zelda: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!
Bartender: You said rare!
Zelda: Then make it a medium!
*Milk and a plate of steak come sliding down from the direction of the bartender*
Zelda: Thank you! Here's the cash! *Hands the bartender a 50-rupee gem*
*Zelda continues to eat, unaware that a Zora and a Deku Scrub are checking her out. In a spasm of curiosity, the camera guy decides to gets close enough to hear them without them knowing it*
Deku: She's hot!
Zora: I wish that were what my girl looked like.
Deku: Then dump your girlfriend and go after her! If you don't, I will!
Zora: You, get her to go out with you? No way!
Deku: I bet fifty rupees I can get her to go out with me by tomorrow morning!
Zora: You're on! Get out your wallet!
*Deku walks up to Zelda*
Deku: Hi, my name's Acua. I couldn't help but notice that you're all alone!
Zelda: Yeah. I'm on a reality fanfiction. I have to get home to win.
Acua: Really? That's too bad.
Zelda: Shouldn't you be getting home? It's late, and your mommy and daddy will get worried. *In background, the Zora starts to crack up bad*
Acua: Actually, I'm 18.
Zelda: Of course you are. And I'm a horse's rear end.
Acua: If that's how you want to play, then yes, I am 18, and you ARE a horse's rear end!
Zelda: YOU LITTLE BAST***!!!!! *Starts choking Acua, while in the background the Zora is now rolling on the floor laughing*
Acua: Let…me...down…owie…stop…that…I'm…choking…
*Zelda throws Acua clear across the bar, who crashes headfirst into the drum of the band onstage. After pulling himself free, he rushes back to his Zora friend and hides behind him*
Zora: Hee hee hee hee…that was great…Now pay up, Acua.
Acua: Fine…*Pays the Zora*
Zora: Thanks. Now watch the master.
Acua: I don't think so. She might insult you, you know. She seems selective.
Zora: I'll take my chances. *Walks over to Zelda*
Zora: Sorry about my little friend. He's not used to asking people out much. My name's Natal Kudro. What's yours?
Zelda: I'm Zelda.
Natal: That's a nice name. Do you come here often?
Zelda: No. I'm on a reality fanfiction. I have to get home to win the prize.
Natal: Ouch. I hate those types of fics.
Zelda: I do too. They always end up with me being a love-starved loser that most people hate.
Natal: I don't think that could be possible. You're much too beautiful to be hated by everybody. I'm sure many people like you.
Zelda: Name one.
Natal: Me.
Zelda: Really?
Natal: Yeah.
Zelda: That's so sweet!
Natal: Listen, would you like to go with me to the Indi-go-gos concert tomorrow? I have two tickets, but nobody seems to want to go with me.
Zelda: Sure! I love concerts! What time?
Natal: Three o' clock tomorrow. I'll wait outside the hotel.
Zelda: Great! I'll be there!
Natal: Okay! *Checks watch* I gotta go. Don't be late, Zelda!
Zelda: I won't!
*Natal walks back over to Acua, who is paying their check*
Natal: Guess who just got a date for tomorrow?!
Acua: She said yes?
Natal: Yeah. Is she looking at me right now?
Acua: Looking at your @$$, I think. Where are you two going?
Natal: That concert I was talking about earlier.
Acua: YOU HAD TICKETS AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?! I'VE WANTED TO GO TO THAT CONCERT FOR MONTHS!!
Natal: You didn't ask. Let's go home. I'm tired, and I think my deodorant failed a few minutes ago.
Acua: Trust me, it did. I can smell you from here!
*Both walk out the door*
Zelda: What a nice guy. I can't believe that Deku Scrub, though. Talk about not being able to take a joke!
*Zelda finishes her steak and leaves the bar, going outside where Darmani is waiting for her*
Darmani: (Pissed off) Couldn't take any longer, could you? I've been out here for a half an hour!
Zelda: Why didn't you just go in?
Darmani: Because you have the keys, genius!
Zelda: Oh.
Darmani: Did you have fun? I got a badly done rock, so I complained to the manager. I must've said something wrong, because next thing I know he picks up a table and breaks it over my head! Then I passed out, and when I came to, I was lying out in the street, and two kids in bandannas with numbers on their backs were poking me with sticks! I chased them clear across the field before I caught the little brats, and by that time, I was hungry. The manager wouldn't let me back in the restaurant, so I had to eat sweet n' low and graham crackers for dinner!
Zelda: Ouch. That really bites. I had a great time at the milk bar.
Darmani: Why?
Zelda: Because I got asked out by this cool Zora!
Darmani: Somehow, I don't like the idea of you going out with a entirely different species.
Zelda: Oh well, you only live once.
Darmani: Of course you do! And I don't care.
Zelda: Come on, you ugly boulder, Let's go get some sleep.
*They walk into the Inn*
Zelda: Where's our room again?
Darmani: The knife chamber on the second floor.
Zelda: Okay.
Darmani: Got your key?
Zelda: *Pats her pocket* Yep.
*Both of them go up to their room*
Darmani: Well, this is the most dilapidated room I've ever seen.
Zelda: I'll say. You can hear the people next door!
*Noises that may be too…inappropriate for younger readers can indeed be heard from the room next door*
Darmani: How will we ever get to sleep with them making all that noise in there? I can't hear myself think!
Zelda: Ooh, there's a tragedy. I'll go see if I can talk to them about quieting down.
*Zelda knocks on the staff room door*
Zelda: Hello? Could you quiet down in there? *The door opens* EEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK!!!! That's not RIGHT!!!! *Zelda runs back into her hotel room*
Darmani: Need I ask what just happened?
Zelda: *Extremely pale* If you know what's good for you, then no. I think I've been scarred for life
Darmani: All right, time for sleep. *Curls into ball*
Zelda: Yeah, you're right. Night. *Hops into the bed and falls asleep after a while*
Ganondorf and Raru's day
Scene: Morning, Termina, Snowhead temple area. Raru is sound asleep on the ground, partially covered by snow. Ganondorf is in his sleeping bag.
Ganondorf: *Yawn* WAKE UP, YOU TUB OF LARD!
Raru: *Wakes up and digs himself out of the pile of snow* Ah, good morning, Ganondorf. What a nice day it is.
Ganondorf: Shut up, you bag of crap.
Raru: Well, well, SOMEBODY'S touchy in the morning!
Ganondorf: I'm not a morning person. I need caffeine to wake me up sometimes.
Raru: Have you tried sweet n' low or pep pills?
Ganondorf: That stuff's nasty. I don't think…Hey, WAIT A SECOND! Why haven't you started one of your long, boring stories?
Raru: Good point. But you don't need to be so mean about it. I swear, I knew someone just like you when I was three. Never wanted to play, he did. Just sat in a corner, glared at us and planned his strategy for world domination. Evil little kid, he was. Loved to play pranks, though. He would try to ambush us every chance he got, but never succeeded. He…
Ganondorf: THAT'S ENOUGH!!!!! I'M AWAKE NOW!!!! JUST STOP THE TALKING!!!!!!!!
Raru: Got any food on you, by any chance?
Ganondorf: NO.
Raru: Darn.
Ganondorf: Didn't you find a cabin up the trail a bit?
Raru: Yep. Big one. Owned by a blacksmith.
Ganondorf: Oh, god no. No way. I'm not going in there.
Raru: Why not?
Ganondorf: Uh, well…oh, fine, I'm afraid of blacksmiths. Happy?
Raru: (Bored tone of voice) Immensely. If I were any happier, I'd be twins.
Ganondorf: I pray that was just a figure of speech.
Raru: It isn't. I can make a copy of myself if I want.
Ganondorf: Spare my life and don't.
Raru: Why are you afraid of blacksmiths?
Ganondorf: Long story. Here's what happened: I was three years old at the time…
(Flashback)
(Scene: Koume and Kotake are at what appears to be a small cottage in the desert. Kotake is doing the dishes, while in the background Koume is trying to get a baby Ganondorf to eat.)
Koume: Come on, Ganny! Open up!
Baby Ganondorf: NO!
Kotake: Koume, you've been trying to get him to eat for an hour. Will you ever stop?
Koume: Not until Ganondorf has eaten his banana pudding. Come on, Ganny, one bite?
Baby Ganondorf: NO!
Kotake: You DO realize that he only knows two words, Koume?
Koume: And those are?
Kotake: "No" and "Beheaded"
Koume: Where'd he learn "Beheaded?"
Kotake: Two days ago at the gym. I accidentally beheaded a guy with my broom, and Ganondorf was there. He must have picked up the word there.
Koume: Why didn't you tell me? I'm his mother!
Kotake: Correction, we are both his mother.
Koume: Oh yeah.
Baby Ganondorf: (Throwing banana pudding everywhere in a fit.) NO BEHEADED! NO!
Koume: Calm down, Ganny, calm down. He seems so upset. I think we should take him somewhere.
Kotake: How about that carnival in Hyrule Market? That sounds like fun.
Koume: Okay. You buy the tickets tomorrow.
Kotake: Why me? I'm flat broke! YOU have all the money!
Koume: Oh, FINE. I'll buy the tickets. Happy?
Kotake: Yep!
(Two days later, carnival at Hyrule marketplace. Koume is carrying Ganondorf, while Kotake is looking at a brochure.)
Kotake: Looks like they've got a great lineup of entertainment. They've booked the Deku orchestra and a Zora band-
(Just then, hyper guy with white face paint, a pair of bell-bottoms, and a shirt that reads "Got Potter?" runs by)
Weird Guy: HAPPY happy! Mcfargld Al Gores banana breaded codfish! GO AROUND! I like to eat horse manure on rye bread with mayo and garlic! Bingo! Uh oh, spaghettios! NEE NER NEE NER NEE NER! Everybody samba! MOUSES AMUSE ME! Love's professions when uttered in Hessians! Purple monkey horse plop-technological CDs! HAPPY! Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Koume: Oh god, a drunk performer.
Kotake: No, actually, I think that's the village idiot. Either that or he's the creator of Conker's bad fur day. I can't tell. He must be on something. (a/n: No offense to any Rareware fans or programmers, I just couldn't find any other people who fit this description.)
Koume: Let's move somewhere else, okay?
Kotake: Okay. *Both move to a different part of the carnival*
Koume: Oh, Look! A blacksmith shop! I always wanted to visit one sometime!
Kotake: This might be a good learning experience for Ganondorf. Let's have a look.
*All three of them walk into the smith shop*
Koume: It sure is hot in here.
Kotake: I suppose you get used to it.
Blacksmith who strangely resembles Fat Illegitimate child: (Speaking in a heavy Scottish accent, in case you don't know how he talks) Hello, yeh tiny women! And a baby!
Kotake: We'd like to see what exactly you do here.
BWSRFIC: Not much. We pound metal and apply deodorant to our underarms, mostly.
Koume: (Dr. Evil impression) Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight…Charming…
Kotake: Why don't you give us a tour of this…uh…_cozy_ little hut?
BWSRFIC: Okay. But yeh have ta leave yer baby here.
Kotake: Why?
BWSRFIC: 'Cause they're annoying! Now, if yeh'll just go into the back room and wait. I'll be there after I'm done, k?
Koume: Okay…*Both witches walk into the back room, leaving BWSRFIC alone with Baby Ganondorf*
BWSRFIC: All right. Now, how do yeh prepare cucco fer six? *Thumbs through various cookbooks by the furnace*
Baby Ganondorf: Fat man!
BWSRFIC: What didja call me, yeh little twerp?
Baby Ganondorf: Beheaded fat man! Fat man!
BWSRFIC: Why yeh little drooling insect! I'm superior ta yeh! Eat frying pan, midget! *Picks up a frying pan and tries to hit Baby Ganondorf with it, but misses* (a/n: He's dumb, AND he can't hit a baby at close range. What a loser.)
Baby Ganondorf: No no fat man! Fat man! No!
BWSRFIC: I'll kill yeh! *Swings frying pan again, but Baby Ganondorf dodges it and crawls away*
Baby Ganondorf: Fat man! Fat beheaded man! No!
(Meanwhile, in the back room…Koume and Kotake are sitting under a window that looks into the main room, looking at a wall and waiting. Through the window, the blacksmith and Baby Ganondorf can be seen clearly)
Kotake: I wonder what's keeping him.
Koume: What a weight problem he has. He should be on slim-fast.
*Loud crashing noises are heard from the kitchen, combined with a few more assortments of "No!" "Fat man!" and "Beheaded!" from Baby Ganondorf. Koume and Kotake don't notice this at all. *
Koume: Maybe we should sign him up for Jenny Craig.
Kotake: I'm sure he'll lose pounds when he's ready. How would you feel if someone signed you up for something you didn't want to go to?
Koume: Good point.
*More crashes from the kitchen*
Kotake: Maybe he's taking a shower.
*In the window above Koume and Kotake, Baby Ganondorf is being chased by BWSRFIC, who is actually going SLOWER than Baby Ganondorf, now wielding a teapot and yelling what seem to be cuss words*
Koume: Well, whatever he's doing, I wish he'd hurry.
*A huge crash from the kitchen is heard as the blacksmith crashes into the wall, causing an assortment of pots, pans, and bricks to fall down from the ceiling, crashing on top of him. *
BWSRFIC: AHHH!!!!!!!!!
Koume: What was that?
*Baby Ganondorf crawls into the back room*
Kotake: Ganny! Where's the blacksmith, though?
*All three of them walk out into the front room*
Kotake: *Looking at BWSRFIC* What the heck happened to him?
Koume: Did YOU do that, Ganny?
Baby Ganondorf: Yes you $**(#* $&$@(%&^(! !#$#$#$! # !@#$#$$%!!!%^!$&**!^*$!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Koume: He's learned a bunch of new words!
Kotake: He did a good job of getting rid of that blacksmith, too! All 400lbs of him are knocked out!
Kotake: Good boy Ganny! Yes you are! Yes you are!
(End flashback)
Ganondorf: …And that's why I'm afraid of blacksmiths.
Raru: Hm? Oh, sorry to hear it. But we've got to ask someone about where we are. So just control yourself.
Ganondorf: Oh…fine.
*After much deliberation, stress, a few boring stories, and a snowball attack, Ganondorf and Raru make their way down to the cabin. They are outside the door of the cabin when the camera turns back to them*
Raru: Now, just mind your manners, and you'll be all right.
Ganondorf: (Very nervous) All right. Manners. Manners manners manners. Mind my manners. Got it.
Raru: *Opens the door* Hi! Anybody home?
Huge blacksmith: Ugo! Ugo ugo ugo ugo! Ugo ugo!
Weird guy on the bench: What? Customers? Why hello! Would you like your sword sharpened today?
Raru: Actually, we need some advice. First, where are we?
WGOTB: Oh. You're in the Snowhead Mountains. That help?
Raru: Yeah. We're supposed to get money for finding out where we are, though, but I don't see any-
*At that exact moment, Daru apparates next to Raru*
Daru: Congrats. Here are your rupees. Your clue is "Fanfics" Goodbye. *Disapparates*
Raru: Well, that was awkward. Can you give us a place to stay the night?
WGOTB: No, but I'm sure the Gorons will. Go see them.
Raru: That we will. Come on, Ganondorf.
Ganondorf: Anything to get out of here.
*They both walk outside*
Raru: Let's go see the Gorons and see what they can do for us!
Ganondorf: I don't think I'll volunteer for any more fics after this is done…
*They both walk all the way Goron city*
Ganondorf: Why doesn't the author go more into detail when we walk a long way?
Raru: That question will remain a mystery.
Friendly Goron: Hullo. Are ya here to buy a powder keg?
Raru: Oh, what the heck. Sure. Gimme the dang thing.
Friendly Goron: That'll be fifty rupees.
Raru: Fine…*Dishes out the moo-lah*
Ganondorf: Could you tell us where we can stay the night, you knucklehead?
Friendly Goron: I dunno. You'll have to ask Daru.
Raru: Daru's HERE?
Friendly Goron: Absolutely. He gets homesick, so he comes home occasionally. He's here right now. I'll get him, if you want.
Raru: You do that.
Friendly Goron: Steve! Get Daru!
Steve: Fred! Get Daru!
Fred: Hank! Get Daru!
Hank: NO!
Fred: Hank says no!
Steve: Hank says no!
Friendly Goron: Hank say- Oh, screw this. I'll go get him myself.
*Daru apparates next to Raru*
Daru: I heard Fred shouting. What's up?
Friendly Goron: These two would like to stay the night.
Daru: You two again? Oh, fine. You can stay in the main hall.
Raru: Oh well, at least its shelter.
Ganondorf: Let's go. I'm tired, and I smell. I need a bath desperately.
Raru: Couldn't agree with you more.
Ruto and Saria's day
Scene: Somewhere in the Gerudo desert. Ruto is lying face down in the sand, while Saria is sleeping in her sleeping bag.
Ruto: *Wakes up* Mmmm…Get up Saria, we need to keep going.
Saria: (Half-asleep) Uh…I wouldn't open the jar of peanut butter without knowing the expiration date, Mido…It could smell bad…
Ruto: WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!
Saria: Wha? Who? What? When? Where? Why? How?
Ruto: We've got to pack up and move again!
Saria: Okay…*Rolls up her sleeping bag* Where are we?
Ruto: We're lost. I have no idea where we are in the desert.
Saria: *Gets up and walks around* Well, we need to use logical thinking. Where did Daru pu-*Not paying attention, she walks into a pole* (a/n: Yes, there ARE poles in that desert.)
Ruto: Are you all right? Speak to me!
Saria: (Dazed) I'm freeeee…nothin's worryin' me…
Ruto: Snap out of it!
Saria: (Still dazed) Barney is a dinosaur, from our imagination…
Ruto: *Slaps Saria* Wake up!
Saria: (Now normal) Thanks. I needed that.
Ruto: About time. Let's just walk around and see what happens.
Saria: Okay.
Ruto: Where do you think the others could be?
Saria: I'm guessing they're probably as lost as we are. It's not like GGGuy to give hard tasks to people he hates. (a/n: Yes it is, and they know It. ^_^)
Ruto: You're probably right. They're just as lost as we are. Be optimistic. That's what'll get us through this.
Saria: You're right. An optimistic attitude is just what we nee- *Not paying attention (Again) Ruto and Saria fall into a sand-covered pit*
Ruto: Ow…
Saria: I'm officially in pain…
*About thirteen Gerudos crowd around the pit*
Random Gerudo 1: We've got some prisoners!
Random Gerudo 2: One seems a bit small, if you ask me.
Random: Gerudo 3: Nobody ASKED you.
Random Gerudo 4: Yeah. Don't ruin it for the rest of us.
Random Gerudo 2: Fine! Sorry for being honest!
Random Gerudo 1: Let's drag them to the fortress.
Random Gerudo 3: Might as well.
*All thirteen Gerudo drag Ruto and Saria back to the Gerudo Fortress*
(In the easily escapable prison that Link was put into during Oot)
Ruto: Where are we?
Random Gerudo Guard: You're in the easily escapable prison from Oot!
Saria: Wow, that was specific. Can you let us out?
RGG: Nope.
Ruto: That sucks.
RGG: LIFE sucks, kid.
Saria: Let's think of a way to get out of here.
Ruto: I know! Let's stand on top of each other and see if we can climb out the window!
Saria: Great idea!
*They stand on top of each other, but the plan doesn't work because Saria is too short, and because Ruto is a lot heavier then her. *
Ruto: That didn't work.
Saria: What did you eat, anyway? Lead?
Ruto: Well, I ate tuna. That's got mercury in it.
Saria: Lead, Mercury, same difference.
Ruto: Any ideas? I'm all out.
Saria: We could try to trick the guards.
Ruto: Okay. Pretend to be hurt. (To guards up above) Hey! I think she hurt herself!
RGG: Not my problem.
Ruto: Aren't you going to come down here so we can knock you out like some poor pathetic @$$-hole?
RGG: Nope.
Ruto: Not even come close so we can grab your keys?
RGG: In case you didn't notice, the only way in or out for you is this hole in the ceiling. I don't have keys. I don't even know why I'm bothering to guard you. All the other Gerudos are having a bachelor party, and I'm missing out.
Ruto: Then go. We won't miss you any more then we do now.
Saria: Can I stop acting hurt yet?
Ruto: Yes.
RGG: Oh, screw this. I'm going to the bachelor party with the rest of the girls. See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
Ruto: Perfect! Now, let's slip away!
Saria: How?
Ruto: By unraveling part of your sleeping bag, we can make a rope that we can climb!
Saria: Great idea! *Starts unraveling some of her sleeping bag* I'll just take a little bit off…
(12 minutes later…)
Saria: …There! That's enough for now!
Ruto: Took you long enough.
Saria: Shut up.
Ruto: Now, can we try to escape?
Saria: Let me just tie the ends together.
Ruto: Will that make it stronger?
Saria: I think so.
Ruto: Okay. I'll help.
Saria: How will we get up to the ceiling?
Ruto: That's easy. Just take off your belt for a second.
Saria: No! I'm not taking off anything, perv!
Ruto: Relax. I just need the buckle to use as a weight.
Saria: Oh. Okay then. *Hands Ruto her belt*
Ruto: Thank you! *Ties the belt to the sleeping bag-rope*
Saria: You're SURE this will work?
Ruto: Positive. *Throws the "Grappling hook" at the hole in the ceiling, but misses by about a foot. The belt buckle-weight comes down at top speed on top of Saria. *
Saria: Ow…
Ruto: Oh goddesses! Are you all right, Saria?
Saria: (Unconscious) Duuuuhhhhh…Did I fail the spelling test, Mrs. Dijon ketchup gutted cod? …Duuuuhhhhh…
Ruto: Wow, she sure is accident-prone.
Saria: I'm okay…ow…
Ruto: Oh, good, you're awake. I'll try again.
Saria: I'll stand waaaaayy over here. *Walks to the far corner of the room*
Ruto: Don't be silly, I won't hit you! *Throws the "Grappling hook" again, and it misses and falls on Saria yet again. *
Saria: Ow. That hurt even more.
Ruto: This isn't gong anywhere. Let's think.
Saria: (Under breath) You? Think? That's a first…
Ruto: I know! Let's try to climb out!
Saria: *SIGH* Fine…
*After several tries, Saria and Ruto get out of the prison. Now they realize how high up they are. *
Ruto: We'll never get down! Mommy! (Cries uncontrollably)
Saria: Don't lose your head. There's a way down. Let's try that door.
Ruto: (Stops crying) Okay…
*So, after a few wrong turns, a few mishaps, Ruto screaming at the top of her lungs and Saria nearly falling out of a window followed shortly by a few Gerudo attacks, they make it down to the ground level*
Ruto: That was scary.
Saria: Yeah, did you see how drunk that last Gerudo guard was? That party must've wiped them out!
Ruto: Now, how are we going to get out? There are probably guards at the exit, so we'll have to go without being seen.
Saria: Wait. This could be where we use the clue! GGGuy said our clue was, "Milk." There's gotta be a reason for that!
Ruto: Let's see…well, there could be a milk deliverer that might come here sometimes. Happened all the time at Zora's Domain.
Saria: Brilliant! We'll hide in the milk crates so when they get rid of them, we'll be able to escape!
Ruto: But there are no milk crates.
Saria: No problem. Look who just showed up…
*Talon is riding into the fortress in a milk wagon pulled by two horses. The milk wagon seems to be straining under Talon's weight*
Ruto: Perfect! He'll help us!
Saria: I'll go talk to him. *Walks over to Talon*
Saria: Hi, Mr. Talon!
Talon: Hi Saria. Want some milk?
Saria: No. We need a ride to Hyrule castle.
Talon: That I can do without falling asleep. Hop on.
Saria: Thank you SO much. Ruto! Come on, he's taking us to Hyrule castle!
Ruto: All right!
Talon: Hold your horses. First I gotta make just one little delivery. Can you wait?
Ruto: I suppose.
Talon: Great. I'll be right back.
Saria: Don't take too long!
*Talon rides up to the fortress*
Saria: What a nice guy.
Ruto: He owes me a favor anyway.
Saria: Really?
Ruto: No.
*They wait an hour*
Ruto: Dang it, where is that freeloader?
*At this instant, Talon is helping the Gerudos with video games, drinking large quantities of what appears to be a milk-whiskey combination*
Saria: I hope he's not sleeping.
Ruto: Don't give up hope. It's only been an hour.
*They wait two more hours*
Saria: Where IS that bast***?
Ruto: I dunno.
Saria: I hope he's not sleeping.
*Talon is partying with the Gerudos now, drinking whiskey and having contests based on how much sweet 'n low a person can consume in a 30-second period*
Ruto: Let's not give up hope.
*Three hours and counting*
Saria: That son of a bitch is going to taste my fist when he gets out here!
Ruto: I'm starting to lose a LOT of patience.
*Talon is in a locked room in the fortress doing god knows what*
Saria: I say we go in there and find him.
Ruto: Let's give him one more hour.
*Two MORE hours have now passed*
Ruto: I am going to kill him. I swear it.
Saria: I say we suffocate him with a cow.
Ruto: I think we should just use pillows.
Saria: We could just tip the cow on top of him, you know.
Ruto: Now that I think of it, that IS a good idea.
*Talon is now completely passed out, and is thrown out of a window*
Saria: Ah, there he is!
Talon: Duh…I'm a big kid now…duh…
Ruto: He's drunk. We can't have drunk driver.
Saria: We'll have to stay the night.
Ruto: How? The guards are bound to come out at any time.
Saria: I'll see what they're doing.
Ruto: Good idea.
*Saria Goes over to a window, stands on her toes and looks in*
Saria: They're not doing anything. They all seem to be drunk. And-…Oh, god two of them are making out. That's horrible. I think I'll-…OH GOD! THAT'S NASTY! OH, GROSS! I'M SCARRED FOR LIFE! SICK! AND IT'S HAPPENING IN PLAIN VIEW, TOO! OH MY GOD!
Ruto: Something tells me I don't want to know what's going on in there.
Saria: OH GOD! I DIDN'T KNOW YOU COULD EVEN DO THAT WITH YOUR TONGUE! OR THAT!
Ruto: What, you don't have that kind of education in the Kokori forest?
Saria: *Walking away from the window, looking very shaken* Not like that, no. Ew…and to think that a guy only is born once every thousand years, too…
Ruto: Can we drop the subject and go to sleep, please?
Saria: Fine. Goodnight, Ruto.
*Talon pulls off a loud, wet fart*
Ruto: I think old drunken boy needs a hand.
Saria: I'll do it…*Rolls Talon as far away as possible from them*
Ruto: Ah…fresh air…
Saria: Well, it's not like the air's any better with him around. Shame we couldn't bring deodorant…
Ruto: Zzzzzzz….
Link and Skullkid's day
*Morning, Zora's Domain. Link is playing the Legend of Zelda, A Link to the Past game on a Nintendo. Skullkid is sleeping in a sleeping bag, playing a Game boy with The Legend of Zelda: Link's Awakening loaded in it. Daru apparates in front of the camera*
Daru: Well, another day here at Zora's Domain. In case you skipped the first and second chapters, along with most of the beginning of this chapter, (a/n: And you better have not. I spent a fair amount of time on those. And It took me even longer to write this chapter, and it will take me still LONGER to write the next one. So don't skip any of these.) We locked Link and Skullkid in Zora's Domain because at least one of them would know where they are, no matter where we put them. So, they have to solve a puzzle to escape. What's the puzzle, you ask? Simple. They have to play through ALL of the Zelda games in the order in which they occurred in time. Simple, right? WRONG. They can only die a maximum of FIVE TIMES total. If they die more than that, they have to replay the entire game that made them pass the five deaths maximum, this time without dieing more than…however many times they may have died. Not so simple NOW, is it? Now, let's check up on the contestants! Link, how far have you gotten, and what is your strategy?
Link: Well, we hope to finish the second and third games by tonight. Skullkid is a bit behind, owing to the fact that he was up last night finishing the first game. He died once, which is an amazing feat.
Daru: That's very, very interesting, Link. Now, how far are you in this game?
Link: I'm on the third level. (a/n: I don't know any of the levels in LTTP. I own the game, but I never owned an original Nintendo. I found my copy of LTTP at a garage sale for free. I've never played it.) I don't know how far Skullkid is, though.
Daru: Thank you, Link. Now, Skullkid, how far are you?
Skullkid: I'm waaaaaayyyy in dreamland…
Daru: What?
Skullkid: No, I like to eat bananas…
Daru: Skullkid, are you even awake?
Skullkid: I like Harry Potter. Do you like Harry Potter? Pikachus taste good with a white wine sauce…
Daru: Uh…right. He's obviously not awake.
Link: Not very quick to catch on, are you Daru?
Daru: Shut up. This doesn't concern you.
Link: Yes it does! I-…*A loud rumbling is heard from the upper level* Oh crap…
Daru: What?
Link: Help me put a tarp over the electrical equipment. Hurry.
Daru: Okay…*they both put a large tarp over the Nintendo*
Link: Thanks. Skullkid usually doesn't help me with that.
Daru: No problem. Now, what was that rumbling, anyway? It sounded like it was…*at that exact second, Daru's question is answered. King Zora comes rolling out of the waterfall at top speed, bellowing like an orangutan with a wounded rear end. He crashes with tremendous force at the bottom of the waterfall, creating a massive tidal wave. *
Link: THAT is what I needed the tarp for.
Daru: (Dripping wet) I see…
Link: He's been doing that for a few hours now. I think he's trying to drain the Domain.
Daru: Ah…
King Zora: *Climbing out of the water* At last! Nobody to boss me around anymore, no sir!
Daru: Uh, I hate to break it to you…no wait, no I don't! You ARE the boss!
King Zora: Awww…look the little baby! Coochie coochie coo!
Daru: You touch me one time and I promise you'll be GGGuy's next meal.
King Zora: Awww, how adorable. He's so cute!
Daru: -_-*
Link: He's not a baby. He's a toddler with an attitude.
King Zora: Awww…even better! Hey baby, want to go swimming? I have am rubber ducky in the royal chamber you can use!
Daru: Stuff you, blubber butt.
King: Now, now. We don't use that kind of language.
Daru: I use it all the time.
King: Of course you do. Want to go for a piggyback ride, baby?
Daru: That does it. You've gone over the deep end now. Die, fishy! *Grabs King Zora by the waist (a/n: If he has one. He may be too fat to have a waist.) And shoves his head into one of the nearby TV screens. *
King: Zora: (His voice is a bit muffled because his head is…you know where it is.) Ouch…I have…the biggest…headache…now…owie…
Daru: That'll teach YOU to call me a baby, King fatso!
Link: You need to take anger management classes.
Daru: I do.
Link: Oh.
Daru: They never help, of course. I always get expelled when I eat a statue.
Link: I wonder why that is?
Daru: Darmani says I eat too much, too. But he eats, like, two hundred pounds of food a day. He's a pig.
Link: I need to get back to playing the video game now, okay?
Daru: Oh yes, I've kept you too long. *Ahem* That's all the time we have for today. Join us next chapter for Lost: Zelda Edition. Goodbye, goodnight, good morning, good afternoon, have a good day…
Link: You can stop now.
Daru: Sorry. And remember, if you don't know where you are, you're LOST! *Disapparates*
End episode 3
Will Zelda go out with a Zora? Will Ganondorf conquer his fear of blacksmiths? (a/n: I doubt it. He hasn't conquered much of anything anyway.) Will Link and Skullkid finish all the Zelda games? Will Ruto and Saria get to Hyrule castle? Find out when I publish the next chapter of Lost: Zelda Edition!
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This fic was created by GoroGoroGuy. There may be no reproducing any part of this fic without his written consent. (In other words, no MSTing this fic or re-writing it in any way without me knowing about it and giving my okay.)
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