Lost: Zelda Edition-Episode four Phil Savickas Phil Savickas 2 262 2001-11-12T15:28:00Z 2001-11-12T15:28:00Z 13 3069 17494 19 Evergreen Drive 145 34 21483 9.2720 0 0

Lost: Zelda Edition-Episode four

By: GoroGoroGuy

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Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, Lost, or any Harry Potter references in this fic. I DO, however, own this fic and the plot. That understood, onward to the fic!

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Gasp…I HATE not being able to upload chapters…I've been trying to get this chapter up for two weeks…Please forgive me, anyone who is being nice enough to anticipate this…

 (Scene: The set of Lost: ZE (inside Hyrule castle, in case none of you remember) complete with a hundred TVs, all bearing the words " LOST: ZE," and two loudspeakers blaring a remix of the Zelda theme. Daru walks out from backstage wearing a suit and tie. He sits down on the inflatable couch in the center of the set.)

Daru: Welcome, welcome, to the FOURTH episode of Lost: Zelda Edition, the first, and the ORIGINAL (a/n: That's right. Nobody has ever done this before. Ever. You can check with anyone, but nobody besides ME has ever remade Lost into a Zelda fic. Other series, maybe. Zelda, no.) bad remake of an abysmally horrid reality TV show known to the world as Lost. Last time, the contestants were filmed for the whole day, nonstop. This will continue throughout the rest of the fic. The contestants went through some pretty weird situations last time: Zelda was "asked out" by a Zora named Natal Kudro, Ganondorf revealed an interesting part of his life to the world that involved an angry blacksmith that strangely resembled fat illegitimate child, Ruto and Saria got captured by Gerudo, and found out why Talon is always sleeping and/or drunk. Link and Skullkid had to witness me fight with King Zora because he wouldn't stop calling me a baby in that nauseating tone of voice I hate. GGGuy stepped down from his duties as host of the show, leaving it to me, so now I can get some attention for once. Today, however-

Voice off stage: Get him!

Daru: What in the name of volcanic cheesy puffs in nacho-filled ferret heaven was that?

Second voice off stage: BANZAI!

*Impa, Navi, Malon, Mido, and Nabooru rush in and tackle Daru, Navi having some difficulty, and tie him to the couch*

Daru: What are you guys doing here?

Impa: We weren't given roles in this fic! Now you'll pay!

Daru: How did you get past security?

Malon: What security?

Daru: Don't tell me there's no security, I-…oh, god. Not AGAIN!

Nabooru: There's a security force here?

Daru: Yes, but they tend to…uh…slack off sometimes. I thought they learned their lesson last episode, but…

*Meanwhile, outside the castle…*

Security guy #1: *Using a laptop to browse through FF.N, looking through the various fics* Do you think we should be patrolling the entrances?

Security guy #2: Nah. Too much work. Besides, it's not like anyone's going to go and try to take over the show or anything.

Security guy #1: Good point. Hey, I found a good-looking fic. It's rated…uh…

Security guy #2: Its rated NC-17. I'm in! Let's read it!

Security guy #1: *Reads a bit* Oh, yeah! I gotta try that move tonight!

Security guy #2: That's just sick, sick, sick.

*Back to the studio*

Daru: Why tie up me? I didn't select the characters that would be on this!

Nabooru: But GGGuy is your best friend. He'll have to meet our demands if he wants a sane fic again!

Mido: Wait a second…Daru can apparate. He could escape!

Impa: No problem! *Casts a spell on Daru* That should do it.

Malon: Now, let's call GGGuy and give him our demands! *Pulls a cell phone out of her pocket and dials a few digits* Hello, GGGuy. I- what? Wrong number? But isn't this GGGuy's residence? Then where did I dial? …A WHAT? Damn, I must have an old phone book. Sorry. *Pause* No, I won't go out with you…no, I won't do that…I won't do that either…I don't even KNOW how to do that…you're creeping me out!

Daru: Who'd she dial?

Impa: Beats me.

Malon: Well, THAT was uncalled for! *Pause* Oh, YEAH? Well, you're a bigger one! Good-bye! *Hangs up* Now what?

Navi: HEY! Call his other phone!

Malon: I'm not stupid, Navi.

Navi: HEY! LOOK! IT SURE SEEMS LIKE IT!

Malon: Oh, go fly into a bug zapper, you little twit. *Dials another phone number* Hello?

GGGuy: Who is it?

Malon: Its Malon and all the other Zelda characters you so unwisely didn't include in Lost: ZE!

GGGuy: And?

Malon: And now we've taken over your fic, captured Daru, and will wreak havoc on the contestants if our demands aren't met!

Daru: Don't do it, GGGuy! Don't listen to them!

Malon: Uh, Navi, could you…

Navi: Yep, I'd LOVE to... *Ahem* HEY! LOOK! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! HEY! LISTEN! LOOK! THERE! HEY! HEY! LISTEN! HEY! LISTEN! LISTEN! LOOK! HEY!

Daru: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! Not annoying fairy torture! Anything but that! Make it stop!!!!!!!

GGGuy: And the demands are?

Malon: Put us all in the fic, and ensure the other eight contestants don't win!

Impa: And ask for some hair supplies.

Malon: And some hair spray!

Navi: HEY! And my own, private fanfic!

Malon: And Navi's own private fanfic.

Nabooru: And a truckload of inflatable pants!

Malon: Don't you already have a few of those, though?

Nabooru: They wear out really, really fast.

Malon: And an entire truckload of inflatable pants for Nabooru.

GGGuy: What's Mido's request?

Mido: A lifetime supply of condoms!

All but Mido, including GGGuy: O_O?

Malon: What do you need those for? You're a kid!

Mido: SO? I want to be prepared!

Nabooru: For what?

Mido: For when I-…

Malon: -_-! Shut up! This is a PG-13 fic! Oh, all right, fine. (To phone) And a Lifetime supply of condoms for Mido.

GGGuy: What are those for?

Malon: For when he "Gets him some."

GGGuy: All right. Hm…Okay, I've come to a conclusion. I will- *Awkward pause, followed by barking* …No, T.J.! Bad dog! NO! Away from the phone line! No! Bad dog! Get away! Heel! Sit! Good dog…HEY! Get away from the phone line! It's NOT a chew toy! No! I said- *Beep*

Computerized, monotone voice: If you would like to make a call, please hang up, and try again later. If you need help, hang up and dial zero for your local operator. If you would…

Malon: Damn it! He was so close to giving us our demands, too!

Impa: I say we go and wreak havoc on the contestants.

Navi: I agree!

Mido: Let's go!

Malon: Grab a camera, Nab. We're goin' on a contestant hunt!

Nabooru: Let's get them!

All besides Daru: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Daru: *Gulp* This could get ugly…

The contestant's (Bad) day

(a/n: The rest of this episode will be shot from a 3rd person view of the characters that I didn't include, because they hijacked a camera.)

Scene: Impa is looking through the crack in the door of Zelda and Darmani's hotel room. Mido is standing guard at the top of the stairs, and Malon is using a belt to attach a stink bomb to Navi.

Impa: Still sound asleep. This will be easy!

Nabooru: Got that stink bomb ready, Malon?

Malon: Almost.

Navi: I'm not so sure if I like the thought of having a bomb strapped to me. What if it blows up with me attached?

Mido: Nobody would care.

Malon: MIDO!

Navi: Hey! I just so happen to know YOUR fairy, Mido, and he's lousy in the sack!

Mido: How would you know?

Navi: You know about all those times when he went to see the great Deku Tree?

Mido: Yeah…

Navi: Well, he was really going out with me!

Mido: WHAT?

Navi: And I broke up with him last month!

Mido: And exactly HOW do you know he's lousy in the sack?

Navi: None of your business!

Malon: -_-! As I was saying… It can't. It's on a timer. It won't explode until you pull your belt off. Then you'll have five seconds to leave, and it'll give those two a wake-up call they'll NEVER forget!

Mido: Can I plan the next prank?

Impa: As long as it doesn't involve condoms.

Mido: Damn.

Nabooru: Why do you even need those?

Mido: For when I-

Impa: *AHEM* Hey Mal, have you got that stink bomb ready?

Malon: Yep!

Navi: Now, all I have to do is pull the belt, right?

Malon: Right. Now, get in there!

Navi: All right!

*Navi flies into the hotel room and hovers above the still sleeping Zelda and Darmani*

Impa: Now, pull the belt off!

Navi: *Pulls the wrong belt and her pants fall down. Fortunately, she's too small for anyone but her and Impa (For some weird reason) to notice the difference*

Impa: Wrong one.

Navi: *Realizes her pants fell off* EEP! Sorry! *Puts back on her pants and belt* Now, is this the right one?

Impa: Yeah!

Navi: Okay! Hee hee…Sweet dreams, Zelda! *Pulls the belt, causing the stink bomb to fall between Darmani and Zelda. She quickly leaves the room*

Impa: *Checking her watch* Three…two…one…^**::BOOM::**^ And that wraps them up. It'll take at least six hours for the smell to come out, or four hours if they take a shower…

Malon: Darmani? Take a shower? Yeah, right…

Impa: Why are you wearing flower-and-smiley-face-patterned underwear, Navi?

Navi: Hey! Tell it to the world, why don't you?

Impa: Okay. *Opens the door that leads out to the awning outside* Hey, world! Navi wears-

Navi: That was a figure of speech and you know it, you old hag.

Impa: Dang. I've been waiting for thirty years for that set up.

Mido: (Changing the subject) Are the contestants okay?


Navi: They'll be fine. I'm sure someone will smell them eventually.

Impa: I'm starting to smell them right now. Let's move on to the next group!

Malon: ONWARD!

All: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

*Anju pokes her head out of the staff room door*

Anju: Could you keep it down out there? I can't-…*Sniffs the air*…OH, GOD WAS THAT ME? I am SO sorry.

Malon: It wasn't you, we just set off a stink bomb.

Anju: …Oh. Okay. Bye! *Closes door*

Malon: Well, that was awkward. Anyway, where was I…Oh, yeah! ONWARD!

All: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Scene: Outside the Goron city, Termina. Impa and Nabooru are packing snow onto Raru, who is sound asleep. Mido is (Again) standing guard, while Navi buzzes around a tektite's face, which is unconscious because of how annoyed it is, while Malon stuffs Ganondorf's nostrils with cream cheese. (a/n: Don't ask me how he isn't waking up. Even I don't know.)

Mido: Why is it I'm ALWAYS standing guard?

Malon: Because you're short. You're hard to see.

Mido: Very funny.

Malon: Isn't it?

Mido: Where's Navi?

Malon: Annoying various monsters, I think.

Nabooru: We're almost done with pudgy boy here. You almost done with the not-so-evil-king?

Malon: Yep!

Impa: This is gonna be fun…

Mido: Okay, what are you planning to do with Raru?

Impa: The only thing that seems to affect him. Roll him down something.

Mido: That's IT?!

Nabooru: Of course not. We're going to put Ganondork at the bottom of the mountain, and when he wakes up, he'll literally get a noseful of cheese!

Impa: And when Raru wakes up, all of the snow will melt, so he'll think he had a REALLY bad accident.

Malon: Do you need help with the heavyweight?

Nabooru: No, we'll just teleport to the top of a mountain.

Mido: I that safe?

Impa: Heck yes! *Throws that weird Deku nut thing onto the ground, and they all vanish in a flash of bright light*

*On a nearby mountain. Impa, Nabooru, Malon, and Navi are rolling Raru to the top, while Mido stands guard (Yet again)*

Impa: Okay, now PUSH!

*They all push as hard as they can, but Raru rolls only a few inches*

Malon: *Pant* This is *Pant* not *Pant* working.

Impa: We'll have to use a lever or something to move him…

Mido: Can I stop standing guard now?

Impa: As a matter of fact, yes. (Whispers to the other characters) We'll use him to push Raru down the mountain. Okay?

Malon: Great.

Nabooru: Sounds good to me.

Mido: What can I do?

Impa: Stand over there and hold still.

Mido: Okay…

Impa: Now we're going to pick you up. It's very important that you don't struggle.

Malon: Heave! *All but Navi pick up Mido, aiming him at Raru*

Nabooru: Ready…GO!

*They all ram poor Mido into Raru at top speed headfirst, knocking the tub of lard down the mountain*

Impa: There he goes! Look at him roll!

Malon: Do you think he'll crash into that tree? *A loud "CRACK!" answers her question*

Navi: Nope, he knocked it over.

Mido: He's so fat. He's like a steamroller!

Impa: He's about as smart as one, too.

Nabooru: Took the words right out of my mouth! *Hi-fives Impa*

Mido: Women…

Navi: What about them?

Mido: Uh…nothing.

Navi: Sure…

Malon: To the next group!

Impa: ONWARD!

Malon: Hey, that's MY line!

Impa: I wanted to try it out for myself, though.

Nabooru: We can discuss the copyright infringement LATER.

All: MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*Gerudo fortress, Hyrule. Impa is rigging up a huge fireworks launcher near Saria and Ruto, while Navi loads the fireworks and cleans the launcher. Malon is examining her unconscious father, while Mido stands guard. (a/n: I hate Mido. Does it show?)

Impa: Almost ready with those fireworks, Navi?

Navi: (Inside launcher) Yeah, I just need a few more seconds.

Mido: What's she doing, screwing someone?

All except Mido: O_O…

Mido: I'm just kidding!

Malon: Didn't sound like it.

Impa: I say we strap HIM to a firework.

Nabooru: I second the motion.

Malon: Me too.

Navi: Let's get him!

Mido: Uh-oh. *Before he can react, Impa has strapped him to a firework*

Impa: If you say one more thing, I light the fuse. Understand?

Malon: Isn't that dangerous?

Impa: Would you care if he were in danger?

Malon: Good point.

Nabooru: What are we going to do with the gruesome twosome here?

Impa: Ensure your buddies capture them again.

Nabooru: Why would my troops capture them?

Impa: Don't ask me. I didn't write this fic.

Navi: Why is Malon's dad unconscious?

Malon: He's drunk.

Impa: How can you tell? He looks like he's just sleeping to me!

Malon: If YOUR dad came home half asleep, half drunk, before collapsing on a couch like so much gelatin every other day, you'd know how to tell if he was either asleep, drunk, or both too.

Impa: Great. I'll keep that in mind.

Malon: Just launch the fireworks, I'm cold.

Impa: Good for you. Navi, is the launcher ready?

Navi: Yep! All set! *Flies out*

Impa: We'll aim it just above them, so all the shrapnel barely misses them.

Malon: FIRE THE %*#&ing thing!

Navi: Such bad language you use. Does your father know?

Malon: Know it? He taught me it!

Impa: FIRE!!!!!!!!!! *Roughly sixteen fireworks shoot out of the launcher, exploding with great force above Saria and Ruto. They both wake up instantly, as do all of the Gerudos, who apprehend them instantly*

Ruto: Eek! This is bad!

Saria: What did WE do?!

Ruto: You'll never get away with this!

Random Gerudo #1: I don't know how you escaped from the easily escapable prison from Oot, but you're not going to do it again!

Saria: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Nabooru: And THAT is why you should never mess with us.

Mido: Amen.

Impa: WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SAYING ONE MORE WORD? *Lights fuse, which quickly burns up, launching Mido into the sky*

Mido: Can't we talk about thiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssssssss…

*A mile away, in the Kokori forest *

Random Kokori 1: Do you hear a weird noise?

Distant noise, growing louder: BwaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Random Kokori 2: It sounds like either a rabid woodchuck on weed, or Mido screaming.

Random Kokori 1: Or maybe both.

*Two seconds later, Mido flies headfirst into the roof of the Kokori shop, crashing with a loud "BOOM!" inside. He comes out, covered in ashes, a few more seconds afterward, coughing and staggering*

Random Kokori 2: Having a bad day, Mido?

Mido: You have no idea…*Faints*

*Zora's Domain, Hyrule. Impa is moving a sleeping Link onto the frozen water, while Navi, Nabooru and Malon Move Skullkid*

Malon: Skullkid is really heavy…

Impa: At least he hasn't been eating as much as Raru.

Malon: Why do you get to pull Link, anyway?

Impa: Why do you want to know? Do you like him?

Malon: NO!

Navi: Come on, we know you do. Admit it.

Malon: I said, I don't…Oh fine, I like him. I'm head over heels in love with the boy .He's just so cute when he rides Epona!

Impa: Welcome to the club.

Malon: You like him too?

Navi: Yeah. So do I.

Nabooru: Me too.

Impa: (Hushed voice) Quiet, you three, or he'll wake up!

All but Impa: Sorry.

*Suddenly, Daru apparates next to Malon*

Malon: EEK! What are you doing here?

Daru: I'm here to stop you from doing a very bad thing.

Impa: Didn't I cast a spell on you so you couldn't apparate?

Daru: No, that was spell that would force me to eat nothing but rocks for the rest of my life. And it doesn't affect Gorons, because all we eat is rocks. SO IN YOUR FACE, YOU OLD HAG!

Impa: Why does everybody always call me that?

Nabooru: We won't stop, and you can't stop us until GGGuy gives us our demands!

Malon: And he doesn't know we're doing this to his fic yet!

GGGuy: Says who?

All but Daru and GGGuy: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! How did you get here?

GGGuy: I wrote myself into this fic. It wasn't hard.

Malon: Don't hurt us! Please don't hurt us!

GGGuy: I won't hurt you, but I can do something _MUCH_ worse than that.

Daru: And that is?

GGGuy: Force these pathetic piles of crud into the Lunar Colony of randomness to MST fics until I let them out!

All but Daru and GGGuy: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GGGuy: Oh yes. Now get out of this fic, before I decide to do something even more horrible to you.

Impa: Like what?

Malon: Don't push your luck, Impa! He might not be kidding!

GGGuy: Too late. Now, on top of the MSTs you have to do, you will all also appear on the final, farewell extravaganza episode, too. Bye! *Snaps fingers and Impa, Malon, Navi and Nabooru all turn into blocks of granite*

Daru: (Drooling and generally looking very hungry) Mmmm…top quality, grade "A" granite sirloin with a polished quartz finish…I'm so hungry, too…

GGGuy: Darn author powers. I can never get them to delete characters. Let me try again. *Snaps fingers and the blocks of Granite turn back into their respective characters before disappearing*

Daru: Aw…And I was so hungry after breaking out of those ropes, too…

GGGuy: You like eating a little too much, Daru.

Daru: Darmani said I have an eating disorder.

GGGuy: Well, don't listen to Darmani. He's as smart as the boulders he eats.

Daru: That's the truth.

GGGuy: *Watch alarm goes off* Oops, I need to get back. See ya, Daru.

*GGGuy vanishes*

Daru: Bye! (Turns to camera) Well, that was an interesting, unpredictable episode today. Stay tuned for some quotes from the next Episode, and remember, if you don't know where you are, you're LOST! *Disapparates*

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And now, another treat…

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Scenes from the next episode of Lost: ZE…

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Zelda: *Browsing through various dresses and assorted outfits* So, the way I see it, Natal, being a Zora, would like me to wear one of these outfits to the concerts. What do you think, Darm?

Darmani: *Looking up from his block of Quartz* What? Oh, yeah, I agree. He'll like it. Yup. Couldn't look better than that. He'll be eating rocks- I mean, he'll love it.

Zelda: You're hopeless.

Darmani: I know.

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Raru: Where's Daru again?

Goron #1: I'll get him. YO! FRED! Get Daru!

Fred: Mark! Get Daru!

Mark: Samuel! Get Daru!

Samuel: Bill! Get Daru!

Bill: Daru! Get down here!

Daru: *Apparates next to Goron #1* Why are you guys infringing on copyrights?

Raru: It must be a Goron thing.

Goron #1: It is. We've also played "Truth or frickin dare" and started a MST series called RIFT3K.

GGGuy: *Appears next to Goron #1* You @$$! If Misty Dawn and GG read this, then I'm gonna get it!

Ganondorf: And whose fault is that?

GGGuy: Screw you, cheese nose.

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Talon: *burp* I'm so hung over…

Ruto: Do I have to carry Talon?

Saria: Yes.

Ruto: Why?

Saria: Because you have more muscle mass then I do.

Ruto: Says who?

Saria: Says the great GGGuy.

Ruto: Who gives a crap about him?

Saria: Anyone who doesn't want his or her fics to be potential MST fodder.

Ruto:  That's true.

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End Episode 4

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More (Relatively) normal Lost: ZE is on the way in a few weeks, so get ready! I need fics to MST. I cannot stress this enough. Send me the title of a fic you want me to MST to my E-mail address, shown in my profile. Thank you for reading this fic.

The Goron of randomness

-GoroGoroGuy-

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All ideas of other authors used by GGGuy in this fic are property of the original writer. All Zelda references and characters are © Nintendo 2001. All Harry Potter references are © J.K. Rowling. This fic is © GoroGoroGuy 2001. (It's not really copyrighted, but you can't copy or use any bit of the fic or plot and say it's yours without my explicit, written permission.)

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