Closure:
Sanctuary (CH 6)
By obi's girl
Cold. Dark. Alone. A Slave to his passion. I was all these things, and I hated it. In the beginning, I loved him – completely under his thrall. I would have done and said anything but now my life is no longer the fairy tale I thought it to be. I'm empty. I don't feel anything; only his cold hands on my body. I can't escape him. If I try to leave him, he'll know and stop me.
Everytime he kisses me, I think back to the night I first arrived and fell so deeply under his thrall. I was weak and an inexperienced Slayer. I believed I could get close enough without getting too attached, so I could kill him. It was stupid; I was stupid to think I wouldn't fall under his spell. And here I am. His whore, his slave and there is no escape.
And I wasn't about to kill him; part of me still loved him despite his abuse of me so my only other option was to leave him. But I can't. I can't leave him for so many reasons. I love him; I hate him; I love him; I hate him. I don't know anymore. I don't know anything. I don't have the will to fight (mainly because when he kisses me, he drinks my blood). I'm too weak to fight him and I'm scared to run away from him. I do know, whatever I decide will ultimately end my life.
My life.
I had a life before Dracula was in it. I was the Vampire Slayer; I had a mother whom loved me; my father, my Uncle who vowed to take care of me after they both died. She used to call me her "Little Angel", and I was. Always the sweet, young girl next door. Always prompt to help when someone needed it. I loved my mother. To her, I had never done evil. Boy, if she could see me now and what I've become. She'd probably spit on me and that my soul was eternally lost. She'd probably be right. I was damned but I could still redeem myself if I wanted to.
If I killed Dracula I could redeem myself. I had the opportunity, the strength and his trust. Before I came along, no one had ever gotten this close to him. And as much as I loved him, I refused to live in fear of him. I am the Vampire Slayer, despite my status as a vampire and his wife, and I still have a duty to fulfill.
Kill Dracula, and I free not only myself, but others who have seen him and known his terror. Mama's "Little Angel." I won't deny my love for him, but I can't deny what I have always been since my birth – what I was trained to be. The Vampire Slayer. I lived as her and I will die as her. Call me martyr, whore or damned - I am the Chosen One and that is my one control over him.
I've tried to deny my roots as the Slayer; tried to conform as Dracula's bride. Feared him and loved him, but not anymore. I don't fear 'cause I realized I have power over him. He fears if I leave him, I'll come back and kill him. He fears my strength, my power as the Slayer. It's a power play. He turned me so he would have power over me when in fact I'm the one who has the power.
But even though I have this power, I still feel some connection to Dracula. A burning passion for him I can't deny. I know. Everytime I go to bed and he touches me, I can't help myself. I have to satisfy this desire inside of me. There are things between us, moments of passion I will never forget. A love I will carry with me after I die. Yes, I know if I do follow through to kill him, part of me will miss him. His touch, his kiss...I will always love him but this is something I have to do.
My Uncle, my mother, Christian – I know they are disappointed in me, what I've become. I'm disappointed in myself. They all loved me; gave me everything and I spat on them. Christian, he loved me. If I had married him, he would have given me everything and my Uncle, he took me in after my parents died. His sister, who he had never seen in years and his sister's daughter. They were all good to me. My Uncle, Rielly, Christian and Dr. Seward – they warned me about Dracula and I didn't listen.
I didn't listen. I think I didn't listen because I was stubborn; I believed I was invincible and invulnerable to his power. I was stupid to believe that; I was stupid to believe I could get close enough to Dracula and not fall under his spell. But I did fall. I gave myself to him; let him take away my innocence and seduce me to the Darkside. It worked but what he failed to take into consideration was my Slayer spirit and how strong it was.
I'm tired now. I couldn't fight before because I was scared and I didn't want to lose him. I didn't want him to hate me. I wanted to be loved, I wanted to feel loved inside – Dracula knew that and took advantage of it. He showed me my darkness and I accepted it. My seduction, no doubt, will find its way into Slayer history and if it does, I don't care. I made the choice to become his. Funny thing is, I don't regret any of it. I found who I was, found my true self and now I know what I have to do.
One thing Dracula said to me stuck with me the whole time I was here with him. He said you must lose control in order to gain control. I lost control; I relinquished my control to him and now, I'm going to get it back.
...Or die trying.
TBC
