Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto
Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Rating: PG

Author's Note/Disclaimer: Here is the second chapter. Enjoy. I don't own Rurouni Kenshin or any familiar characters. I only own the ones I created. There is no money being made in the writing of this story.

Chapter 2: The Path of the Sword

"The Sword of Mitsurugi should be wielded for the people of the world, for the protection of the weak."

First Principle of Hiten Mitsurugi

OVA 1 (Subbed)

Images flashed painfully across his mind but he could make no sense of them. They were full of darkened alleyways; smoke covered battlefields, screams and, over all of it, the smell of blood. He tossed and turned on the threadbare futon, mumbling incoherently and crying out in his delirium.

"Please forgive, please forgive," he cried out to the faceless men that he had slain.

They laughed and told him he would never be forgiven. He cried in despair asking for forgiveness again. He moaned in agony and through off the blankets that had been put over his shivering form. The woman who tended him reached over to cover him again and whispered that everything would be all right soon. Voices wove in and out of his dreams and his body seemed to be at once on fire and frozen. His head throbbed in time with his heart and he heard himself groan. He could also hear soft feminine voices and the higher pitched voices of children. He awoke slightly trying to find out where he was.

"Will he be alright, Shihobu-san? You can make him better can't you? He did come to our rescue and he protected me," said a young boy of about eight as he watched Kenshin tossing and turning on the futon.

"I am doing my best, Masahiro-chan but it would help me greatly if you would go to the river and fetch some water."

Kenshin heard small feet running across the floor and the sound of a door being slid open. He felt to tired to open his eyes and his head hurt horribly. He moved his hand to gingerly explore the wound. It appeared to be a shallow cut on the left side of his head. It appeared to no longer be bleeding but it really hurt. He hissed in pain and heard someone turn around.

"You shouldn't touch the wound."

His eyes flew open at the order and he saw a hazy image of a woman in nun's clothing but he could tell nothing else about her. His eyes remained unfocused and he tried to see where he was but could make out nothing about the room.

"Drink this, now. It will help you rest more comfortably. You will not be going anywhere anytime soon. You have a fever on top of everything else."

Kenshin mutely took the chipped cup and drank down the bitter medicine. Then he laid back and stared up at the ceiling, listening to every sound around him since his eyes were not working properly, hoping this would tell him something about where he was. He could hear other voices outside the room he was in, mostly children's voices and he could smell food cooking somewhere nearby. Wherever he was, there was no doubt he was safe for the moment.

"But for how long?" the hitokiri part of his mind wondered. "How long before someone figures out who you are?"

He ignored that part for once and let himself feel safe even if it was only for a few days. He closed his eyes again, too tired and in too much pain to really care what happened to him as long as he could rest for a few days first. Soon sleep claimed him.

*

Several days passed for Kenshin in somewhat peaceful rest, although nightmares full of blood and death still plagued his sleep. He became used to the sound of the voices of many people around him again and took his medicine without complaint. On a morning about two weeks later, Kenshin awoke to find himself, for once, alone in the room. He stared at the ceiling and took stock of himself. His head still ached but it was a dull ache and not the throbbing pain it had been before. Carefully, he sat up and found that he was no longer dizzy and the room was not spinning around him. He smiled and slowly got to his feet, feeling a little weak from too much time spent in bed. He looked around the room and found his clothing folded neatly on the floor near the futon. His sakabatou was leaning against the wall next to them.

He got dressed carefully and then took his sword from were it rested and carefully unsheathed it to look at the blade for any sign of damage. The blade looked shiny and unblemished as if he had never used it. He smiled at the reflection of himself in the blade, remembering how he had gotten the blade.

He had been trying to leave the Ishinishi camp without anyone noticing right after the Battle of Tobu Fushimi. He had gotten all the way out to the edge of camp and was making his way along a path that would carry him away from the life of blood and terror he had known when he had paused, sensing someone nearby.

He scanned the area and found that Arai Shakuu was watching him as he walked out of camp. Shakuu was the wordsmith who had made the sword he had once carried and had since left behind on his last battlefield having no use for the blade on the path he intended to take. He stopped several feet and waited to see what Shakuu would say to him. They had talked of Kenshin's intended path and how he could never exist without a sword at his side. That was when Shakuu had given him the sakabatou and left him, telling him to return to him in Kyoto when it was broken and if he still believed in his idealistic nonsense. He smiled at the memory.

"With this sword I can begin a new life and I can atone for the evils I have committed with my hands. I will find the path to peace."

He took a few practice swings with it and found that it was a bit heavier than his former sword had been and that the balance was different do to the fact that the blade was reversed.

"This will mean that all my attacks will be slowed somewhat." He sheathed the sword and walked out of the room following the sound of voices, think about ways to adapt his Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu to his new sword. "The first thing would be to practice with it."

He walked down a small hallway until he came to an open doorway through which he could see children playing and some nuns gathered watching over them. He stood in the doorway watching them play, a small smile on his face.

"Welcome back to the world of the living, Young Swordsman."

Kenshin turned his head and looked at the woman he had felt come up behind him. She was dressed in nun's clothing and had a very pretty face, with shining eyes he saw for but a moment. Kenshin recognized her as the one the bandits were about to rape when he arrived. She was about his own age and her dark eyes were downcast, showing respect to someone of a higher rank then her own.

"What happened? Where am I?" he asked quietly.

"You took a blow to your head and became delirious with a high fever. You are in small shrine, which was our intended destination when you came to our rescue. In gratitude for saving us you may stay here until you are completely well. My sisters and I are grateful for you help."

Kenshin smiled then his face grew serious.

"Arigato…Miss?

"Shihobu."

"Shihobu-san, I can't stay long. There may be people after me. I will not put you or the children in any more danger."

"No one visits this shrine, which is no longer on the main road. You should be safe enough here. Who are you?"

Kenshin paused and watched the children playing nearby before answering, fully expecting to be thrown out as soon as he uttered the next words.

"Himura Kenshin," he said and inwardly he cringed, knowing what the reaction was likely to be from his host.

"Welcome, Himura-san. Stay here as long as it takes to fully recover." She smiled at him and then began to watch the children too.

He stood in the doorway in shock. There had been no outburst from her. No words telling him to leave the shrine. Nothing. He lifted a hand to the bandage that still covered his cross-shaped scar.

"Maybe she truly does not know who I am." He smiled at the thought. "And yet I will not put them in more danger."

He walked a little farther outside and the children stopped their play to look at him intently for several moments before returning to it. He continued to watch them for a few minutes then he turned to Shihobu.

"Who are these children?" he asked quietly, guessing from her sad eyes what her answer would be.

"They are the orphans of this war. They parents died either in the fighting or because of disease. My sisters and I are taking them to a temple in a town several days journey from Kyoto."

Kenshin felt saddened at this and he briefly wondered how many widows and orphans he had made with his sword. He leaned against the doorframe, unmoving, his head bowed and his eyes closed, for several minutes. Then he walked completely outside and sat against the wall, watching the children, with his sword propped against his shoulder, a sad smile on his face. After a few moments, the children stopped their play and gathered around him. The all smiled up at him and he couldn't help but smile back, remembering the children he had played with and gotten to know while living with Tomoe in Otsu.

"How are all of you?" he asked them gently.

There was a chorus of "goods" and some muted giggling.

"Do you know any new games?" one girl asked.

"What's your name?" another asked.

"How are you feeling today?"

"What kind of sword is that?"

Kenshin's mind reeled from so many questions but he answered all of them as if each one was the most important question he had ever answered because in the mind of a child all questions, no matter how trivial they sounded were important. He smiled down at them and looked into each smiling face, suddenly realizing that this was what his master had been trying to teach him. This was what the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu was to be used for.

"Shisho, if I had only listened to you then. You tried to tell me that the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu was to be used to protect the weak but only as a sword that was under the control of no one but the one who wields it. I would not listen to you then because I was too stubborn. I was too caught up in my own sense of justice and my own idealistic notions of changing the world by the edge of my sword. Now, I understand what you meant at last. I hope it is not too late for me."

He shook his head to clear it of past memories and then he rose and walked out into the woods were the children had been playing motioning them to follow.

"Come, I will show you a new game."

*

They played until it was too dark to see and Kenshin returned to the shrine carrying two of the smallest children in his arms, others trailing behind him. They were all moving as silently as they could. Kenshin had invented a new game on the spot for them to play and they had enjoyed it immensely. Kenshin first showed them how he could move so silently that they could not hear him. Then he began to sneak up on them and poking or tickling them. The object of the game was to catch him before he could reach his intended 'target'. Soon they were all laughing and shouting and Kenshin enjoyed himself, while getting in some practicing at the same time.

"This has been the first peaceful time I have known since Tomoe died…" The thought surprised him and he smiled as he returned the children to their "parents".

After the evening meal had been served and the children had been sent to sleep, Kenshin sat outside the shrine, watching the stars come out in a patch of sky that could be seen through a break in the trees. He sat with his sword once more propped against his shoulder and thought about the day.

"I enjoyed today greatly, there is no use in denying that fact but the longer I stay, the more danger they will be in. I cannot allow that and yet…" He looked through the open door and saw the sleeping forms of the children and the seated forms of the nuns at prayer. He knew that he couldn't just abandon them here. "They have no one else to protect them and there are probably more bandits or worse things along this road. It is my duty to escort them to the next village."

He sighed but knew this was the only thing he could do. This was, after all, the reason he had left the field of battle now a month ago and it was the purpose of those who wielded the sword of Mitsurugi. He continued to watch the stars and to think. Soon all was silent except for the quiet murmur of the nuns as they began to talk among themselves. There were four of them from what Kenshin could tell and they were of varying ages, although he only knew the name of the one who had cared for him. He touched the bandaged wound on his head, which was now itching in addition to the small amount of pain that still lingered about it. The bandage would be taken off tomorrow, according to Shihobu. She had not, however, even asked him about the bandage, which hid his scar, and for that he was thankful.

"Strange that a complete stranger would want to help me of all people or that they would even care about what happened to me at all." He put his hand on his left cheek and thought about this new sensation. "No one has really ever cared for me before except my parents and Tomoe. All anyone had wanted from me was my talent with a sword."

He had sat for several moments, lost in thought, when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He shook his head and looked up to see Shihobu looking down at him.

"What has you troubled, Himura-san?" she asked quietly. "There seems to be a great sorrow around you and your sleep is never untroubled. And there is the unhealed wound on your left cheek that I can tell is not recent but is instead years old. Why would one who is so young carry more sorrow then any man twice his age?"

He looked up at her with the piercing gaze of the hitokiri and a cold voice in his mind said: "She knows…she knows. She must die."

He shook his head to clear it of the hitokiri's voice and coldness. "You don't know that. She's only seen the scar…that does not mean that she knows who I am. Besides, I am not you anymore. I don't need you."

"That's what you think now but you will need me again. I will be waiting when the time comes. How long can you keep this up? How long before you must kill again? And how long before that woman connects the scar and hair with the Hitokiri Battousai?" The cold voice continued.

"What is so troubling to you, Himura-san?"

"Nothing…nothing I can talk about right now." He looked up at the stars again, trying to steady his emotions, which were surely visible on his face and to push the hitokiri from the surface of his thoughts.

Shihobu bowed to her head for a moment and then looked at him.

"You have lost someone dear to you?" she said with quiet certainty and Kenshin's head whipped around to look at her.

"Yes…but…how did?"

"Something in your eyes told me so." She paused a moment before speaking again. "I am sure she would not want you to be so sad. I am sure she would want you to let go of this pain and move on with your life."

She watched his face as Kenshin continued to watch the stars as they blurred before him.

"How can I let her go? I deserve this pain as punishment for what I did to her…to us," he thought, remembering the brief moment of peace he had found in the midst of war and how he had eventually destroyed it.

Tears rolled down his cheeks and the stars above grew blurrier. Once again he felt the pain and emptiness in his heart that he had been left there the night he had destroyed his own happiness as he had done to so many others. The night Tomoe had been taken from him by his own hand.

"The pain is still there. The feeling is the same as when you lay dying in my arms from the wound I gave you. You told me it was 'better this way' but even now I fail to see how it is better. If it were not for me, you and your love would still be alive. You would have been happy. Why can I not get over you? Why do I still see you in dreams and feel you nearby? Why must I continue to live with this broken heart?" He hung his head and tears continued to trace a path down his cheeks.

"I'm sure she forgives you."

"Forgiveness? Can there really be such a thing? There can never be for one such as I. There is too much blood on my hands. Nothing can erase it. Nothing," he thought to himself.

He turned a tearstained face to Shihobu and tried to smile. "I hope there can be forgiveness for me someday but right now the only thing I can do is to try to atone for what I have done. I will take you and the others to the temple you spoke of. I will make sure you get there safely."

Shihobu saw the tears and the pain in his eyes, knowing she had guessed rightly. This young man was suffering and in as much need as the orphan children she cared for. His soul was a tormented one and she could almost guess why.

"Arigato, Himura-san. I was about to ask if you would be willing to journey with us for a little while." She turned back to the shrine and walked back inside before looking over her shoulder at him again. "You should really get some rest."

"I will." Kenshin said, his voice laced with sadness.

Shihobu checked on the sleeping children before heading to her own bed. She lay down and idly watched Himura as he continued to sit just outside the door. There was something almost familiar about him, something she had heard about a swordsman with red hair and a cross-shaped scar. It was something important; she knew it was but the harder she tried to concentrate on what it was the harder it was to bring that thought to the fore. She lay awake several moments trying to remember what it was but eventually fell into an uneasy sleep.

Kenshin continued to watch the stars, thinking about what Shihobu had said to him, the ache still in his heart where his love for Tomoe had once lived. Only the stars and moon saw his tears and he did not sleep that night.