Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto
Kokoro No Itami Nakunaru Made Zutto

By: Hitokiri Gentatsu

Rating: PG

Author's Note/Disclaimer: All the usual disclaimers apply to this chapter. Thank you all for you comments and reviews. Please sit back now and enjoy chapter three.

Chapter Three: Muga Kuragari~Shadow Village

"…I want to rescue with my own hands those who are suffering. Many people, countless lives, as many as I can…I must leave in order to do so."

Himura Kenshin

OVA 1

(Subtitled)

They returned to the Nakasendo Road again after a few days rest. The children were gathered around Kenshin as he walked slowly to accommodate their smaller steps. They were a chattering mass begging for stories or for him to lift them up and carry them piggyback. His heart lightened seeing these orphaned children still managed to find happiness in the smallest flower or tallest tree in spite of the war that raged around them and which had taken their parents from them.

"Maybe I should think more like they do, to have more hope about the future…"

He was slowly beginning to believe that he could follow the path of peace that he had chosen for himself now. He could use his sword the way it was meant to be used, to defend those trying to live in peace. He would now be the one in control of his own sword. He smiled, watching some of the children race each other to next patch of sunlight.

"This is the reason why I made that vow to Tomoe. It was to protect children like the ones in Otsu and like these orphans. To protect those who cannot protect themselves from the evils of man. Tomoe…" He laid his hand on his left cheek and saw her face once more looking as calm and serene as he remembered it. "I will protect them and many others. I will be the guardian of other people's happiness. I will use the second chance you gave me to do as I promised."

He put his hand on the hilt of his sakabatou and looked up at the sky for a moment, feeling the lingering presence of Tomoe nearby and smelling white plums for a moment if only in memory. Then he turned his attention back on the children that were in his charge. He watched them, his senses alert for any sign of trouble but his heart more relaxed then it had been since Otsu. The nuns were among the children, watching even as he did to make sure there were no stragglers or ones left behind. He knew their names now. Two of them, Keiko and Setsuko, were hardly older than some of the oldest orphans in their charge. Then there was Shihobu, who was laughing at something one of the youngest girls had said. The fourth nun was somewhat older than the other three, with narrow eyes and a sour expression that reminded Kenshin oddly of the captain of the third Shinsengumi squad, Saito Hajime. She seemed to glare at everyone and everything around her. There seemed no way to please her. Her name was Takako and Kenshin always had the urge to stay as far from her as he could. For some reason he couldn't put a finger to he didn't trust her and, though he had never met her before a few weeks ago, he could sense an intense hatred aimed at him coming from her. He could see no reason for her hatred though as they had not met before.

He could feel her eyes boring into his back as he walked among a group of children a few paces ahead of her. He felt another intense wave of hatred coming at him from her before it was shut off as completely as if it had never been at all. He looked back at her with the corner of his eye as he reached over to prevent one of the young boys from falling.

"Hiroshi-chan, you should be more careful," he said quietly as he lifted the boy into his arms.

"Gomen-ni, Kenii." The boy laughed as Kenshin swung him around in a circle before setting him on his feet again.

Soon all ten of the children in his charge wanted him to swing them to.

"Maybe later," he said in answer to their pleas and begging. "Right now the sun will soon be setting and we need to start looking for a good place to camp for the night…"

"We will be sleeping in the next village. It is not far and it has already been arranged."

Kenshin turned to look back at the speaker who turned out to be Takako. She had a look of triumph on her face and she glared at Kenshin as if in challenge, barely contained rage smoldering in her gaze. Kenshin stood there mutely with every hitokiri alarm ringing in his head and a cold voice overlaying those alarms.

"It's a trap…She knows who you are…she must die…"

Kenshin clamped down on the hitokiri within himself and looked at Takako with a smile and wide, innocent eyes.

"Whatever you wish," he said calmly as one of the children began to pull on his sleeve.

"Kenii…Kiyoshi and Ayame want a story, please."

He looked at Takako for one moment longer then, as much as that part of himself that was thinking like a hitokiri told him not to, he turned his back on her to turn his attention back to the children. He could feel her eyes on him again as he began to tell those children gathered around him a story about a great and noble samurai who help those in need. The children listened in awe at the story he spun, some of which was drawn from his own experiences. Then they went to play again as soon as the story was finished. He heard footsteps behind him and found Shihobu looking at him, an odd expression on her face.

"You are so good with children," Shihobu said as she came to join him. She said this as if surprised by the knowledge.

He smiled at her and watched the children playing.

"It is to protect children like these that I became a swordsman. Children are precious treasures that cannot be replaced, especially in times such as these," he said quietly

Takako walked by them then and muttered something that Shihobu was unable to catch but Kenshin heard as if the speaker had paused to stand next to him.

"Strange thoughts coming from a killer of so many men."

Kenshin's eyes widened and the hitokiri began to wake again.

"I shall have to have a talk with Takako soon," he thought, pushing the hitokiri back again.

He continued to watch the children, trying to ignore the warning alarm going off in his head and trying to ignore the cold hitokiri's whispering voice that was demanding he strike out. He carefully watched the road in front of him, keeping an eye on the children and listening for any sound that might warn him of an attack.

Nothing happened but Kenshin refused to relax his guard. He'd seen to many people die because they had let their guard down at the wrong moment. He narrowed his eyes, which became faintly amber, looking around with all of his senses, seeking the source of the disturbance his Ki was sensing. He couldn't seem to sense anything at all, or at least nothing that would seem on the surface to be dangerous. Something was definantly wrong here. Something he couldn't put a finger on.

"We should attack before whoever has a chance to attack us," the hitokiri's voice whispered from the depths of his mind.

He shook his head to clear of the cold voice that echoed faintly. "I have told you before…I will never attack unless attacked first and that I would never kill again. I will wait until the enemy makes himself known."

"That is a dangerous attitude for a hitokiri to have…"

"I am no longer a hitokiri. I left that life behind me when I left Kyoto."

"If you wait too long we will all die including the ones we must protect," the logical voice in his head replied.

Kenshin froze. Death was something he had grown to accept as a part of his existence as a hitokiri. All samurai were prepared to die for their lords or clans. He had certainly not expected to live beyond that existence nor had he expected to survive the battles after he had turned from the shadows of the hitokiri. There were not many things he feared but there was one thing. Above all else he feared death the most but even so he would not let them die in his place even if it meant his own life.

"Come…" The hitokiri's voice sounded in his mind again, pushing him into action.

"I will not attack. I will not kill."

"How long will you allow yourself to be deluded by this idealistic nonsense?"

"As long as it takes for…"

"For what? Atonement. Forgiveness. Those who live by the sword must die by the sword. You know this is true."

"Someday they will forgive…"

"Some people will never forgive, never forget."

"If I can get far enough away…"

"Our enemies will still seek us out. They will follow us."

"I have left no enemies living thanks to you. And they do not need to seek me for they are always with me." Kenshin spared a thought for all the men he had slain whom he still saw in his worst nightmares.

"They are not all dead. There are still some members of the Shinsengumi. There is still him. They will hunt us to the ends of the earth."

Kenshin thought again of Saito Hajime who was one of the few men to have fought him and lived to tell of it. Saito was at least his equal in swordsmanship. But he had disappeared in the last battle at Tobu Fushimi.

"Himura-san look what we found."

Kenshin was pulled back to the present by a child's urgent voice. He pulled his mind out of the past and pushed the hitokiri out of his thoughts again to look at the two children who were pulling at his hands.

"What is it you have found, Hiroshi-chan and Midori-chan?" he said smiling down at them.

The children took his hands and pulled him forward.

"Just wait till you see it," Midori said excitedly.

"Yeah, wait…" Hiroshi echoed his sister, waving his tiny hands in the air.

The trees had been gradually disappearing as the road they were on began to climb higher into the mountains. Soon the only the tops of the trees could be seen. There was a bend in the road ahead and several of the children had stopped to watch something. Kenshin walked into the bend and suddenly saw a wide valley spread out below him. There was a stream running through it next to what appeared to be a small village. The water of the stream was glinting in the light of the setting sun. The village looked peaceful and quiet, undisturbed by the war that raged nearby.

Kenshin stood still, mesmerized by the light glowing on the water, watching it dance as the water moved. His memory flashed back to Otsu, which in some way resembled this unnamed village.

"We will be staying here for a few days before moving on," Takako said, glaring down at the village below them and then at Kenshin. "Come."

She stomped away toward a path off the road that led to the village with everyone else following her. Kenshin walked at the back of the group, to keep an eye out for any stragglers along with Shihobu.

"May I ask you a question?" He glanced at her as he watched some of the children ahead of them began to run down the path.

"Yes…"

"Has Takako-san always been so…" Kenshin paused for a moment to think of the right word to describe her attitude. "Has she always been so gruff and bad-tempered?"

Shihobu looked at him, a sad look in her eyes.

"Takako came to us about a year ago after a great personal tragedy, which she has never spoken of. For weeks after coming to the temple she would not speak or interact with anyone. When she finally recovered enough to talk, she told us that she could not stand the evils of the outside world any longer and that she wished to embrace the inner peace of a nun's life."

Kenshin listened to her words.

"She does not seem to be finding peace with us though. She has always been gruff and bad-tempered but for some reason she has been more so of late."

"May I ask something else?" At Shibohu's nod he continued. "She seems to hate me but I can think of nothing I have done to have her react in such a way. Can you offer me a reason why?"

Shibohu looked at him. "I have no idea why she would hate you."

They continued to walk in silence, making sure that none of the children strayed from the path. Kenshin's thoughts were on Takako. There could only be one reason for her to hate him as much as she appeared to.

*

They entered the village at just after dusk. The streets were quiet and candles flickered behind the paper windows of the houses. The village was the very picture of tranquility and peaceful times but there was a hint of tension under the peaceful façade the village presented and several of the houses had fallen into disrepair. Kenshin sensed hostile eyes watching them and especially him the moment they entered the village.

"Things are not always what they seem." Kenshin knew this to be true. His enemies had constantly underestimated him because of his slight build and youthful appearance. "I wonder what is happening here? Maybe there is some way I could help."

The group arrived at another shrine, this one in the center of town. Wanting some time alone, Kenshin took a water bucket and went to the nearby stream to draw some water for the group's use. It was a task that usually helped to clear his mind but it was not so on this night. His thoughts had turned dark ever since his earlier conversation with Shibohu and the feeling of wrongness he had been experiencing all day continued to intensify. He sat by the stream's edge and watched the moonlight reflect off the surface of the water, staining it a bright silver.

"Am I destined to forever discover people whose happiness has been stolen from them by my sword."

"Probably but they were all evil men and evil must be slain. You once believed this. You once understood that the only way to protect people was to kill," Battousai's cold voice said softly inside his head.

Kenshin shivered at the coldness in the hitokiri's voice but he held firm in his belief.

"I will find a better way to protect others. A way that doesn't involve killing," he said firmly.

The hitokiri within him laughed a dark, frozen laugh. "The Shinsengumi say: Aku Soku Zan…Sin Swiftly Slay. To do otherwise leaves evil free to pray upon others. You once believed this with all your heart and soul"

"That may be but those same 'evil' men were just trying to live their lives and they had families waiting for them to return. I took the lives of countless men and the happiness from untold numbers of families, including my own."

Kenshin felt a wave of grief and rage within his heart; grief for the loss of someone who both parts of himself had grown to love and anger reserved for himself alone for failing to protect her happiness as he had promised to do. The hitokiri's voice remained silent, awash in his own raw grief and anger.

"I cannot allow myself to let that happen to anyone else again. I may have failed to protect my own happiness but I intend to protect the happiness of those who will be trying to live in peace in this new era. I will do this with all of my strength and with all that I am." He wrapped his fingers around the hilt of his sakabatou and smiled a slight smile. "The sword that kills will be forever sealed away from the world as will the hitokiri within me."

The hitokiri chuckled dryly. "I consent to this arrangement for now. However you have spent most of your life killing men therefore the urge to do so will always remain within your heart."

"I am prepared for that." Kenshin's eyes shimmered amber for a moment.

"There will come a day when you will not be able to resist the call to slay again, either because someone you care for is in danger or your own life is threatened. If you should kill again, and you will, you will never be able to look back again. You will become a hitokiri again and a hitokiri you will remain never being able to return to this path again. You will not long walk this path."

"We shall see," he murmured as he made his way back to the shrine with the water.

*

The evening meal was a quiet one with tension underlying everything that was said or done. The children lay awake long past their normal hour and they lay huddled in a tense group around the place Kenshin sat. Kenshin leaned against the wall with his eyes closed and his sword resting nearby. The children's eyes were all on him and he knew that they saw him as their protector. Shibohu and the two younger nuns were in another corner quietly talking. Takako was somewhere outside washing the dishes.

Kenshin waited until all the children had fallen into slumber before leaving his corner of the shrine to sit outside under the sky once more. He watched the stars twinkle above him, trying to still the uncertainty in his heart. He wondered if the hitokiri he had been was right about this path he had chosen. Was it just a foolish notion for him to believe that he could ever be anything more than a murderer? Was it hopeless for him to believe ha could atone for years of bloodshed?

For several minutes he sat in silent battle with himself but he could not still that small, lingering doubt in his heart that he could exist only as a rurouni. He had no doubt that the path he had chosen was right and honorable but he was still unsure if he was the one best suited to walk it. The hitokiri within was strong and his need for blood great. Could he be controlled? Did Kenshin have the strength necessary to fight this inner war? Could he survive without that part of himself?

"How long will I be able to walk this path?"

Kenshin did not have an answer to these questions but maybe, if he was giving time, he would. In the meantime there were things he needed to do, not the least of which was practicing to get used to the sakabatou's strange weight.

"Now is as good a time as any," he thought as he stood and walked into the courtyard of the temple.

For several hours he practiced move after move with the sakabatou, noting that each one was slowed a fraction just as he had suspected they would be. He thought about it and decided that it probably wouldn't matter if his attacks were somewhat slower then before as they were still faster than anyone else's would be. Still it wouldn't hurt to train daily with the new blade until he got the feel of it and got used to the way its weight pulled the blade differently then he was used to. It also wouldn't hurt to speed up his attacks slightly to make up for the lack of speed being caused by the reversal of the dull and sharp edges of the sakabatou. He would begin with the easiest techniques first and then move to the more advanced when had completely mastered those.

"The hardest techniques to return to full speed and power will be the batoujutsu moves. A sakabatou is not made from such attacks." He looked at his reverse blade katana and pondered. He decided that if there were a way to make those attacks work using such a weapon he would be the one to find it. "I was not named Battousai for no reason after all. I will simply have to remaster those techniques as well. There must be some way to do so."

Kenshin trained for the next hour, never knowing that the moon and stars were not the only witnesses to his training session.

"So the Hitokiri Battousai shows himself at last." A shadow moved among the nearby trees. "We will met again old friend and this time your life will be mine."