Chapter 4: Chichéd, But with Irony
Author: The Marvelous yet atrocious speller that is Ellie Lildat. Her ego is large, yet she is not. E-mail her about this or anything else at lildat08@excite.com
Disclaimer: I don't own them, and due to resent rumors about the up coming seasons, I'd rather not own them. May you burn in Tarkna, Joss!(gets all teary) I need a new and real B/A fix...
AN: I need feedback on how to go on with this story. I also need for people to look at my neglected fic Confessions of the Unknowning because unless someone's reading it, I'm not going to actually write beyond the prelude... and that makes me feel all slacker-like.
AN2: I wrote this the night after I wrote the last chapter, but I'm not happy with it and decided to post it anyway...I have no clue where I'm going with this. It may get dark or it may get fluffy, actually it might do both... I need the reader's help!
Summery: And up the stairs and into the room they go...
Rating: PG-13 to R
Chapter 4: Clichéd, But with Irony
The room definitely has that Angel-ish feel to it: mysterious, dark, beautiful, intelligent... its amazing how much personality a room can have.
I wonder if he would mind me dating his apartment? But there goes the insanity again, and I'm positive that it's spread to Angel too.
He hasn't uttered a word since we left Cordelia in the lobby, just smiled his crooked and unsure half smile and led me up to his hotel room. We held hands the entire time... its amazing how I can just feel the electrical hum in my fingers as his larger hand encases mine delicately. He must feel it too, it's what's so right about us being together, being able to just bask in the wonderful feeling of being close. We really worked on that in our last year together, I guess the feeling just stuck in the back of our memories because I don't have a problem with the silence... not at all.
Once we entered his room, Angel broke the connection between our fingers so that he could shut the door behind us. I think that Cordelia might had been following us with Wesley on her tail... It makes me wonder what exactly I'm missing here information wise.
I turn to watch him close the door, just taking in the structure of his body. The way his arms flex slightly, the way that his jeans fit just so... I know these are bad thoughts to be having, but I've only been around him for a few minutes and I'm already becoming some-what human again.
Though I know that as soon as I leave that safe and wonderful feeling will dissolve along with all that confidence that I only have around him. The confidence that lets ME be the one to break down and cry instead of one of my friends, the confidence that lets me show what's inside my heart, my head, my soul... I now know that it's been awhile since I even felt something from one of those places that was just a mechanical impulse.
Without Angel, the real me- the one that befriend Xander and Willow, the slayer that Rupert Giles is the watcher to, the big sister and acting-mother of Dawn Summers, the girl who saved the world countless times,... the girl that gets hurt but keeps coming because she knows that... if you stand strong, it is always darkest before the dawn.
Again, I understand another part of why Dawn was sent to me, I needed someone to love truly and undeniably after Angel left. She is the dawn that came and helped me through the darkness, she helped me love when the one other person I love in the world was gone. I remember if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't had even realized how much I needed him... because I can't be her sister and mother until I can find myself.
If only I could be with him forever, to be in love and loved everyday of life and have proof... to have people to live for and die for who feel the same way... to be completed at all times... Now, there's a dream that's just about a mile past impossible.
After locking the door, Angel walks back over to me and cups my face, letting me nuzzle into the loving touch of his cool hands. I close my eyes, just wanting for time to stop and to keep this wonderful feeling forever... that is until he moves his hand to comb through my hair while slowly moving my head forward; now I just want him to continue.
Without opening my eyes, I instinctively and slowly let my arms wrap around his neck again, remembering every inch of him from countless earlier embraces. I tilt my head up without waiting for his hand to guide me and our lips touch oh-so-softly. God, that feeling... the blessed love behind his kisses... it's indescribable.He wraps his free arm around my waist, letting it sit for a second in the small of my back- which seems like it was built for his hand to go.
I let him lead the kiss, just wanting to remember every detail, just in case... It didn't take long for Angel to deepen the kiss, let the passion behind it show- the true passion with love. Yet I don't let his love blind me to the other emotions Angel's placing in this kiss,because something's wrong.
I hold back tears as I feel the sorrow- thick and dark, seeping into all the wonderfulness and changing it. Pain that would be identical to mine if it wasn't for the guilt I feel coming from him... Angel's pain is in our kiss. Why is he in so much pain? What has happened to him? What happened to my Angel?
But there is no way he's going to break this kiss, this kiss that is so wonderful but desperately sorrowful that my knees are weak with a mixture of love and pain for my mate. So I continue to let him lead the embrace and continue, being selfish about how much I truly love kissing him.
A kiss from Angel can't ever be compared to anyone else's, their truly of a higher class. Only he can make something as innocent as a chaste kiss, something we had many of, seem as enchanting as any sexual act... that kinda ruined us before.
His hand then continues to slowly run up the contours of my back, leading a sensual trail to my sides as it feels like he too is trying to remember ever detail and see how much has changed since last time. It's both reassuring and disappointing that I don't have to look for physical changes... I know there's not a blemish on his skin that wasn't there five years ago. But I don't want to think about that at the moment; actually, I'm having trouble just forming thoughts let alone thinking about depressing things.
As he nips at my lower lip, I can't help but run my fingers through the dark hair at the nape of his neck, loving the texture of the short silky strands as his tongue enters my mouth and... you don't need all the details.
When we broke the kiss minutes later, I opened my eyes to see that he too had closed his for the kiss and was just opening them. We were still embraced, and without a word Angel just hugged me to his cold frame as hard as possible...and wept, again.
All I could do was hold him tightly and cry with him, knowing that both of us were going through to much to handle without each other. It should seem odd that our lives carry these ironic patterns... but it doesn't. What ever he's dealing with, I'll help him... just like I know he has already sworn to himself that he'll help me no matter what. He's always my guardian angel, he has been for almost seven years now... and it's time to return the favor.
I pull back in his grip, something I could only do because of my slayer strength. Now it's my turn to cup his wet cheek as stare deeply into his water brown orbs with concern.
I wait patiently for an answer, letting him gather himself up.
He know's what I'm asking him, because for some odd reason, all it takes is for me to say his name or him to say mine and a text book of paragraphs can be covered in two softly spoken syllables.
Suddenly realizing that he's just broken down in front of me again, my love lets out a hushed pathetic chuckle towards himself as he releases one on his arms from around me and wipes his face, something I had already been doing with the pad of my thumb. With an ironic smile, Angel removes my hand from his face with a kiss.
You've come to me for help, and I end up crying in your arms. There's irony for you.
I can't help but smile a small smile at him before innocently taking him by the hand and sit both of us down on the foot of his bed. Once again I can feel the hum of our connection in my fingertips as his cool hand rest in my hot one, so I purposely wrap my arm around his and re-lace out fingers together between our bodies. I know that at one point our physical connection was one of the strong points of our relationship, and if there hadn't been so much going on in our lives these days that we would actually be sitting in opposite ends of the room.
It's a silver lining to distress- the physical contact... a silver lining that I always miss when there's not an emergency, the times when we have to be separated by miles and live in actual different cities.
Are you gonna actually tell me what's wrong, or just crack jokes all night?
I ask as lightly as possible, unable to get rid of the concern that lurks in the question. He flashes another small smile... those smiles are coming out in bucket fulls these days... its an unsettling comfort. But then he returns to his intense gaze as I know he's studying me to distract himself from answer the question... but I'll wait.
I've just been thinking about things a lot lately. He sighs.
Uh-oh, this is starting to remind me of a certain conversation from a few years back that took place in a certain sewer before a certain right of passage in my life, I'm not sure if I want him to continue anymore.
It's hard, everything is so...hard. He focuses on our hands between us, squeezing my hand lovingly. For a while now, Buffy, I've been trying to find out how I fit into everything... What I need to do and who I need to help... the little pieces of kindness I'm supposed to do... But every once in a while, too many hard parts come in. Do you understand?
He looks up from our hands with a hopeful plead in his eyes, hoping that he isn't the only one that ever feels this way. But I understand all too well, I've been there too many times. I just nod slightly as I rest my head on his shoulder, letting him know that it isn't that odd to feel so.
I kept thinking that after what happened to you, His voice is soft and delicate, picking his words carefully. That if someone as strong as you could get knocked down, that I was correct when I figured out that it's the small things, small parts of life that matter... but there was one thing that I was wrong about. He sighs again. When you came back, all I wanted to do was be with you, not waste a minute that I could be around you... but I knew that I couldn't. But as soon as I saw you, I remembered how much I missed you, how much I needed you... how much you loved me.
I try to disagree, already having a feeling about where he's going- but he continues on.
I shouldn't had, I feel like I betrayed you to think so... like everything I've done since I left you was betrayal.
I think the wrong one of us is saying this. I grimly muse.
I did some really stupid things last year, Buffy.
So did I! If I was having this conversation with anyone else, I'm positive that wouldn't had been said. But it's the truth.
But the stupidest thing I did was make it so that Cordy, Wesley, and Gunn couldn't trust me. Okay, that caught me off-guard. So I tried so hard to please them as regain their trust... I lost myself. And then Willow came... and I disappeared. Angel paused for a moment, to kiss me on the temple before continuing. But as soon as I saw you again, I realized what happened. From his head resting on mine, I feel Angel smile sweetly at the memory before frowning. But just from the change in my attitude after you came back and the way I did things, it wasn't hard for my family to figure out that it was YOU who completed me. Not them.
Oh, boy... gotta love those twists.
TBC...
