Chapter Five: Lost, So Lost

Author: The illusive Ellie Lildat lildat08@excite.com

Disclaimer: Who would WANT to own them? Apparently the characters are still owned by Joss Whedon, but in my mind, he's being held captive by the evil Marti and David just so they can ruin his wonderful creation. Yet let's remember that Marti and David are under the control of bezoars, since they are responsible for and .

Summery: I love you, you know. I know. Everybody thinks I'm pretty and loves me. - Mike Myers and Nicole Kidman Playground skit.

Author's Note: It's been a LONG time,hasn't it? This is a short part, but I kinda like it...well at least more than some of the other parts. Is anybody even reading this? If you are, I respect you for your loyalty to my pathetic attempt at writing. I'm currently working on two other BtVS/Ats B/A epics and four original novels, plus I'm still in school!!! Stupid needed degree. At this point I am so depressed and beyond denial towards the shows that my fics have taken on lives of there own. But this one has baffled me endlessly. It's pretty sad when I like my own way of handling Buffy's lack of emotion 300% better than Marti's.

AN2: To all BtVS fans, I know it's hard and seemingly pointless, but please keep watching the show. We need to speak out and let our opinions be known, but getting both shows canceled won't result in anything good. We need Joss to come back and take over the reigns on the show while there's still a show for him to take the reigns of.

Dedication: To Steven DeKnight. THANK YOU for the B/A moment in All the Way, you're a supreme being.



Chapter Five: Lost, So Lost


Did he just say that? Did the love of my life just say that I complete him? That this world that he's created for himself doesn't do anything for him compared to me? I wonder if he's hit his head lately.

Angel, you don't mean that.

He's become such a great person since he left me, caring about so many others, and actually letting someone besides me get to know him... I know he doesn't mean it. He may have made a few mistakes, but he's not a bad person.

Lifting my head I look Angel straight in the eye, cupping his face in my tiny hand so he knows that I do love him, but don't want him to say that. Why is he denying everything great about his life in L.A.? Does he think I need him to feel more regret about leaving me?... Well that would be kinda nice, if it were true- but it's not.

But he just looks at me through watery eyes, melting me into goo again with that struck puppy look.

I do. He insist gruffly, standing suddenly, breaking the contact between our skin. I watch Angel begin to pace, the tensing of his muscles from my disbelief in him.

Buffy, when your around... thinks make sense, even when they're confusing. Without you, my job goes from helping the hopeless and making the world safer to taking care of the trouble that I'm causing. I've brought more evil to this town than removed. All for the trust of the people that, at times I'm not sure if they are more than just co-workers. I-

Care about people. Love people. I tell him, but he just halts his pacing for a moment and shakes his head.

It's not the same. There's this line of duty that just disappears from my mind when it comes to choosing between one of them dying or killing an enemy. I even went so far as to free a man that had been burning in a jail in another dimension just to save Cordelia. Because of wanting to prove my loyalty to her, I made it so other people got hurt- badly...What's wrong with me?

He's so lost, reminding me of the times that I've had to chose between love and duty... choosing duty until it led me into another early grave. I'm still in that boat with him. Do we chose to save the people close to us, even if it means more people we don't know get hurt? But it's strange to see Angel, the person that always seemed so wise and gave the perfect advise... he's so lost.

Patting the spot next to me, I signal for Angel to sit back down next to me as I turn to face him completely. I haven't got a clue on what I'm doing, but there has to be something for us to do. Something that will... make us found.

I take his large hand into mine, bringing it to my lips to place a sweet kiss to his palm as a soother.

There's nothing wrong with you. I tell him, receiving a doubtful glance. So you're a bit stressed, I'll admit, but I know you Angel... you'll find your way soon.

I tell him, smiling sweetly before placing a feather light, lingering kiss to his mouth. All these stolen kisses are seeming less and less dangerous, neither of us are worried about what might happen... there are too many problems for something to happen. Desperate sex isn't a part of the Buffy and Angel story, it wouldn't be even if sex wasn't an issue.

What about you? He whispers, while we haven't even pulled away from each in the kiss. I'm not the only one lost, here.

I open eyes that I wasn't even aware were closed, immediately staring into his soft chestnut ones...eye that say that I might had been off on saying that desperate sex wasn't part of our story. But I don't pull away, I can't pull away. I sigh instead, a sigh of dreams and regret all in one.

If only I could stay with you, I tell him, not quite a whisper, but softly spoke anyways. I would never be lost, as long as I was lost with you.

And that's when the tears overflow my eyes without warning, and Angel takes me into his arms to let me cry on his shoulder and chest. Because I can't stay with him, and I'll have to leave so soon... go back to a place where I live in a lie just as Angel does here, a place where smiles are always the shields of sobs.

TBC...