~Chapter 7. Told by Fujin.
SLEEP NOT. I couldn't get to sleep. I tossed and turned, trying to push a certain thought out of my head. But it was nearly impossible, since that thought was sleeping next to me, breathing softly in the comforts of a five letter word called "sleep," which had become rather foreign to me. Finally, I just settled on thinking about it, rather than pushing it out of my head. My thoughts were this: For all my life, ever since I was little, I was fine on my own. But I just wanted one thing. I could have anything else, I just didn't *want* it. So... this one thing... its even embarassing to think. I wanted someone to hold me. ...Shut up, okay? I've never been held before... I know, I told Raijin and Seifer that I wasn't virgin... But I am... Shuddering at the thought of either of them finding out, I sighed. ...Now, the part that has been bugging me. I had now a fixed person in mind who I wanted to hold me. Yeah, you fucking guessed it, Seifer Almasy. This, however, was a really depressing thought, since I knew he would never hold me. I'm not saying I'm in love! No fucking way, right? ... I don't fall in love, because I'm ME! ...And Fujin just doesn't fall in love. No way. It isn't happening- ever. Never... I hate that word... It's a promise, almost... Just like forever... Just more Fujin-like. Never... Never. Never...! Never, dammit! I ripped off my eyepatch, and tossed it on the floor. Why am I in a hotel? Why did I ask Seifer to waste his money on a hotel? Because I wanted to get alone time with him? ...Of course not, never. I just didn't want to go home...
"Fuck..." I whispered, realizing it was the only suitable word for the situation. I felt like crying, I was so depressed. I'm just gonna live like this forever... But, who wants to hold a one-eyed, albino, failure, eye-sore? ... They say life is precious. Well, you know what? Fuck life. Precious, my ass. That's when the tears started to fall onto my pillow.
"Fujin?" ...Fuck! ...Don't reply. Don't reply. He's sleeping lightly tonight. I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep, but the thoughts returned and the tears continued to fall.
"Fuu, wake up." He shook me. And I opened my eyes.
"Oh?" I muttered.
"You had a nightmare..." Nightmare... Yeah, I guess you could consider my life a nightmare...
"Oh... Thanks for waking me up." Dammit, I'm speaking wrong again.
"Do you remember what it was about?"
"NEGATIVE." I say. He moves closer to me, and slings his arm around me. I nearly die.
"Good night." Half-asleep "hugs" are always good, right? Right? Right, dammit?! I guess I fell asleep.
I woke up, in a hotel. With Seifer sleeping next to me. ...He has no shirt on. His arms is around me. This *could* be good. ...Then I realize I'm fully dressed. ...Friggin' hell. Climbing out of bed, I'm thankful its Saturday, and neither of us has to work... But, what does it matter...?
"SEIFER. AWAKE. HOME. MUST GO. RAIJIN. WORRY."
"Uh huh..."
"SEIFER. AWAKE!" I pull my boots on, along with my eyepatch and he gets up. Finally.
When we got home, Raijin was waiting for us.
"RAIJIN. GREETINGS." I say, smiling slightly.
"Where'd ya guys go, ya know!? I was worried sick..."
"...We spent the night in the hotel." Seifer says dully, grabbing a cup of coffee.
"...Ya did?"
"AFFIRMATIVE."
"Did ya...?"
"NEGATIVE." I say, scowling at him.
"Hell no!" ...
"Oh, just making sure you both didn't get drunk, ya know?!"
"RAIJIN. MUST LEARN. WHEN TO SHUT MOUTH." Seifer laughed, and walked into the next room. Well, Seifer, I'm glad you find this so amusing...
"Alright, alright, ya know?! Fujin, will ya do me a favor, ya know!?"
"...WHAT?"
"Can ya cook dinner today? I told this kid that I'd help him train with... rods."
"Hah! HAH!" Seifer laughed from the other room. Perverted bastard.
"I mean, my weapon, ya know?!"
"WILL TRY." I say. "WHEN WILL BE HOME?" ...More alone time with Seifer... I think I bit off more than I could chew... and choked.
"Err, nine PM." ...Gag.
"FINE. WILL SEE THEN."
"Bye!" Raijin left.
"NOT EATING TONIGHT." I say to Seifer, who is fixed to the TV.
"Why?!"
"...CANNOT COOK. AM NOT HOUSEWIFE. RAIJIN IS. MALE HOUSEWIFE."
"Ah, hell, Fujin, just cook up steak."
"...CANNOT."
"Fujin..." He says, annoyed.
"WILL TRY. WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU. COOK." ...
"I can't."
"NEITHER. CAN I."
"Yeah, but Raijin asked YOU to cook. Not ME." ...
"FINE. WILL BE BACK." He wants steak. Fine. Seifer will have steak. I will not. I got home, and tossed the steak into a frying pan, and sat down in the bedroom.
"Fujin!"
"WHAT?"
"Ya can't just leave it there, ya gotta watch it. It'll burn...!" ...You try it.
Finally, I finished cooking it. It was black on one side, and brownish red on the other. I set the whole thing in front of Seifer, and he just stared at it, then looked back up at me. I had my feet rested up on the table, something Raijin would kill me for, and I was leaning back on the chair. Sighing, I ate another peice of bread.
"...This is good." He says, looking at me, then the steak.
"HAVEN'T EATEN. TOLD. COULD COOK." He has this "but I dun wanna" look on his face, but he eats it anyway. Good boy.
"You should have some. All you eat is bread. You need some meat on your bones." INSULT?!
"...DON'T LIKE. STEAK. ANIMAL. FOUL. REPULSIVE. "
"...Aw, come on. You ate it the other night."
"GOT STOMACH-ACHE."
"You still ate it."
"WANTED TO PROVE. I COULD SAY. DIFFERENT."
"Mhm. Could I have some bread, or are ya gonna eat it all?"
~~~
Sighing, I went outside to watch the sunset. I leaned on the railing, and reached into my bag for a cigarette. Lighting it, I sighed. So, will I ever be held? The sun set quickly, and the stars came out. It was cold, and began to snow.
"Dammit." I muttered, putting out my cigarette in usual fashion. I came inside, shutting the doors behind me.
"RAIJIN. HOME SOON."
"What time is it?"
"EIGHT-THIRTY."
"Oh..."
Raijin came home, and I went to bed, claiming to be tired, but the truth was I just needed time alone to think. That is, until I heard my name mentioned in a conversation.
"How come ya told Fujin I was in love with Gina?!"
"Cuz ya said so..."
"I said I cared for her... And I was half-asleep..."
"Sorry, ya know?! Oh yeah, I was meaning to ask ya..."
"What?"
"...You know, you and Fujin, in that hotel, that's a little... ya know?!"
"What in the hell are you talking about?"
"...So, you guys aren't doing anything adultish?"
"No!! Damn... why does everyone think I have such... low tastes?!" ...Low tastes...? I walked into the bathroom, not wanting to hear anymore. I locked the door behind me. Look at yourself, Fujin. So upset over a man... What have I become?! ...Nothing. Which is why that razor looks very appealing now. I grabbed the black end of it, then ran my fingers down the purple vein in my wrist. Death. Hah hah hah. I applied pressure, and ran it slowly. No! What am I doing?! I thought to myself when I seen the blood seep out. I lightened the pressure, and brought it far away from my wrist, tossing it in the sink. No, no, no! What have I done?! Its bleeding alot. Seifer... help. No, I can't call for help... I'm so weak... so terribly weak. Raijin. He keeps medical stuff around here somewhere... Dammit! I knocked over a glass bottle of Raijin's cologne he never used. It shattered on the floor.
"...Fuck." I muttered. I found a roll of gauze, and wrapped it tightly around my bleeding wrist. There was blood everywhere. On the floor, in the sink... The whole room smelled of pungent colonge. It was nearly entoxicating.
"Help me..." I whispered, knowing no one would hear me. After about a half hour, the bleeding stopped, and I wrapped some more gauze around my wrist. I cleaned up the blood on the floor and in the sink, and the colonge as well. I threw the bloody towels out the window into the dumpster below. I pulled the sleeves of my shirt down so they reached past the gauze, and then I walked into the bedroom, where I pulled on black gloves. I sighed, scared.
"Fujin, where've ya been, ya know?!" Raijin asked, looking up from the chair.
"SLEEPING."
"Oh, okay, ya know?!"
"SEIFER. WHERE?"
"Outside. Ya know, on the balcony."
"SNOW. STILL?"
"Yeah." I stepped outside, where I seen Seifer, leaning on the railing, smoking. I decided not to say anything. So, I just stand there, thinking about what I almost did... I seen it over and over. The blood seeping out. I felt dizzy. I guess I lost alot of blood. Actually, I feel *really* dizzy.
"Ooh..." I say, feeling like I'm gonna fall. Seifer turns and looks at me. I reach up and press my hand to my head.
"You okay?"
"NEGAT... AFFIRMATIVE."
"You don't look it..." He reached for my hand. No! Not that hand. Don't touch it. I draw it away, and he looks at me quizically.
"AM FINE." I straighten my vision, I lean on the railing.
"...How long you been standing there?"
"AWHILE."
"Oh... want one?" He offers me a cigerette. I take it with great haste, hoping it'll ease some of the pain in my wrist.
"You sure you're okay?" He asks, lighting me up.
"POSITIVE..."
"Fuu, you're acting kinda funny..."
"MOUTH. QUIET." I say.
We goto bed in an hour.
"Fujin, how come your still wearing those gloves?"
"AM COLD."
"Oh..." I know I'm acting weird, but I almost died in there... Killed myself...
SLEEP NOT. I couldn't get to sleep. I tossed and turned, trying to push a certain thought out of my head. But it was nearly impossible, since that thought was sleeping next to me, breathing softly in the comforts of a five letter word called "sleep," which had become rather foreign to me. Finally, I just settled on thinking about it, rather than pushing it out of my head. My thoughts were this: For all my life, ever since I was little, I was fine on my own. But I just wanted one thing. I could have anything else, I just didn't *want* it. So... this one thing... its even embarassing to think. I wanted someone to hold me. ...Shut up, okay? I've never been held before... I know, I told Raijin and Seifer that I wasn't virgin... But I am... Shuddering at the thought of either of them finding out, I sighed. ...Now, the part that has been bugging me. I had now a fixed person in mind who I wanted to hold me. Yeah, you fucking guessed it, Seifer Almasy. This, however, was a really depressing thought, since I knew he would never hold me. I'm not saying I'm in love! No fucking way, right? ... I don't fall in love, because I'm ME! ...And Fujin just doesn't fall in love. No way. It isn't happening- ever. Never... I hate that word... It's a promise, almost... Just like forever... Just more Fujin-like. Never... Never. Never...! Never, dammit! I ripped off my eyepatch, and tossed it on the floor. Why am I in a hotel? Why did I ask Seifer to waste his money on a hotel? Because I wanted to get alone time with him? ...Of course not, never. I just didn't want to go home...
"Fuck..." I whispered, realizing it was the only suitable word for the situation. I felt like crying, I was so depressed. I'm just gonna live like this forever... But, who wants to hold a one-eyed, albino, failure, eye-sore? ... They say life is precious. Well, you know what? Fuck life. Precious, my ass. That's when the tears started to fall onto my pillow.
"Fujin?" ...Fuck! ...Don't reply. Don't reply. He's sleeping lightly tonight. I closed my eyes, pretending to be asleep, but the thoughts returned and the tears continued to fall.
"Fuu, wake up." He shook me. And I opened my eyes.
"Oh?" I muttered.
"You had a nightmare..." Nightmare... Yeah, I guess you could consider my life a nightmare...
"Oh... Thanks for waking me up." Dammit, I'm speaking wrong again.
"Do you remember what it was about?"
"NEGATIVE." I say. He moves closer to me, and slings his arm around me. I nearly die.
"Good night." Half-asleep "hugs" are always good, right? Right? Right, dammit?! I guess I fell asleep.
I woke up, in a hotel. With Seifer sleeping next to me. ...He has no shirt on. His arms is around me. This *could* be good. ...Then I realize I'm fully dressed. ...Friggin' hell. Climbing out of bed, I'm thankful its Saturday, and neither of us has to work... But, what does it matter...?
"SEIFER. AWAKE. HOME. MUST GO. RAIJIN. WORRY."
"Uh huh..."
"SEIFER. AWAKE!" I pull my boots on, along with my eyepatch and he gets up. Finally.
When we got home, Raijin was waiting for us.
"RAIJIN. GREETINGS." I say, smiling slightly.
"Where'd ya guys go, ya know!? I was worried sick..."
"...We spent the night in the hotel." Seifer says dully, grabbing a cup of coffee.
"...Ya did?"
"AFFIRMATIVE."
"Did ya...?"
"NEGATIVE." I say, scowling at him.
"Hell no!" ...
"Oh, just making sure you both didn't get drunk, ya know?!"
"RAIJIN. MUST LEARN. WHEN TO SHUT MOUTH." Seifer laughed, and walked into the next room. Well, Seifer, I'm glad you find this so amusing...
"Alright, alright, ya know?! Fujin, will ya do me a favor, ya know!?"
"...WHAT?"
"Can ya cook dinner today? I told this kid that I'd help him train with... rods."
"Hah! HAH!" Seifer laughed from the other room. Perverted bastard.
"I mean, my weapon, ya know?!"
"WILL TRY." I say. "WHEN WILL BE HOME?" ...More alone time with Seifer... I think I bit off more than I could chew... and choked.
"Err, nine PM." ...Gag.
"FINE. WILL SEE THEN."
"Bye!" Raijin left.
"NOT EATING TONIGHT." I say to Seifer, who is fixed to the TV.
"Why?!"
"...CANNOT COOK. AM NOT HOUSEWIFE. RAIJIN IS. MALE HOUSEWIFE."
"Ah, hell, Fujin, just cook up steak."
"...CANNOT."
"Fujin..." He says, annoyed.
"WILL TRY. WOULD LIKE TO SEE YOU. COOK." ...
"I can't."
"NEITHER. CAN I."
"Yeah, but Raijin asked YOU to cook. Not ME." ...
"FINE. WILL BE BACK." He wants steak. Fine. Seifer will have steak. I will not. I got home, and tossed the steak into a frying pan, and sat down in the bedroom.
"Fujin!"
"WHAT?"
"Ya can't just leave it there, ya gotta watch it. It'll burn...!" ...You try it.
Finally, I finished cooking it. It was black on one side, and brownish red on the other. I set the whole thing in front of Seifer, and he just stared at it, then looked back up at me. I had my feet rested up on the table, something Raijin would kill me for, and I was leaning back on the chair. Sighing, I ate another peice of bread.
"...This is good." He says, looking at me, then the steak.
"HAVEN'T EATEN. TOLD. COULD COOK." He has this "but I dun wanna" look on his face, but he eats it anyway. Good boy.
"You should have some. All you eat is bread. You need some meat on your bones." INSULT?!
"...DON'T LIKE. STEAK. ANIMAL. FOUL. REPULSIVE. "
"...Aw, come on. You ate it the other night."
"GOT STOMACH-ACHE."
"You still ate it."
"WANTED TO PROVE. I COULD SAY. DIFFERENT."
"Mhm. Could I have some bread, or are ya gonna eat it all?"
~~~
Sighing, I went outside to watch the sunset. I leaned on the railing, and reached into my bag for a cigarette. Lighting it, I sighed. So, will I ever be held? The sun set quickly, and the stars came out. It was cold, and began to snow.
"Dammit." I muttered, putting out my cigarette in usual fashion. I came inside, shutting the doors behind me.
"RAIJIN. HOME SOON."
"What time is it?"
"EIGHT-THIRTY."
"Oh..."
Raijin came home, and I went to bed, claiming to be tired, but the truth was I just needed time alone to think. That is, until I heard my name mentioned in a conversation.
"How come ya told Fujin I was in love with Gina?!"
"Cuz ya said so..."
"I said I cared for her... And I was half-asleep..."
"Sorry, ya know?! Oh yeah, I was meaning to ask ya..."
"What?"
"...You know, you and Fujin, in that hotel, that's a little... ya know?!"
"What in the hell are you talking about?"
"...So, you guys aren't doing anything adultish?"
"No!! Damn... why does everyone think I have such... low tastes?!" ...Low tastes...? I walked into the bathroom, not wanting to hear anymore. I locked the door behind me. Look at yourself, Fujin. So upset over a man... What have I become?! ...Nothing. Which is why that razor looks very appealing now. I grabbed the black end of it, then ran my fingers down the purple vein in my wrist. Death. Hah hah hah. I applied pressure, and ran it slowly. No! What am I doing?! I thought to myself when I seen the blood seep out. I lightened the pressure, and brought it far away from my wrist, tossing it in the sink. No, no, no! What have I done?! Its bleeding alot. Seifer... help. No, I can't call for help... I'm so weak... so terribly weak. Raijin. He keeps medical stuff around here somewhere... Dammit! I knocked over a glass bottle of Raijin's cologne he never used. It shattered on the floor.
"...Fuck." I muttered. I found a roll of gauze, and wrapped it tightly around my bleeding wrist. There was blood everywhere. On the floor, in the sink... The whole room smelled of pungent colonge. It was nearly entoxicating.
"Help me..." I whispered, knowing no one would hear me. After about a half hour, the bleeding stopped, and I wrapped some more gauze around my wrist. I cleaned up the blood on the floor and in the sink, and the colonge as well. I threw the bloody towels out the window into the dumpster below. I pulled the sleeves of my shirt down so they reached past the gauze, and then I walked into the bedroom, where I pulled on black gloves. I sighed, scared.
"Fujin, where've ya been, ya know?!" Raijin asked, looking up from the chair.
"SLEEPING."
"Oh, okay, ya know?!"
"SEIFER. WHERE?"
"Outside. Ya know, on the balcony."
"SNOW. STILL?"
"Yeah." I stepped outside, where I seen Seifer, leaning on the railing, smoking. I decided not to say anything. So, I just stand there, thinking about what I almost did... I seen it over and over. The blood seeping out. I felt dizzy. I guess I lost alot of blood. Actually, I feel *really* dizzy.
"Ooh..." I say, feeling like I'm gonna fall. Seifer turns and looks at me. I reach up and press my hand to my head.
"You okay?"
"NEGAT... AFFIRMATIVE."
"You don't look it..." He reached for my hand. No! Not that hand. Don't touch it. I draw it away, and he looks at me quizically.
"AM FINE." I straighten my vision, I lean on the railing.
"...How long you been standing there?"
"AWHILE."
"Oh... want one?" He offers me a cigerette. I take it with great haste, hoping it'll ease some of the pain in my wrist.
"You sure you're okay?" He asks, lighting me up.
"POSITIVE..."
"Fuu, you're acting kinda funny..."
"MOUTH. QUIET." I say.
We goto bed in an hour.
"Fujin, how come your still wearing those gloves?"
"AM COLD."
"Oh..." I know I'm acting weird, but I almost died in there... Killed myself...
