The Excellent Adventures of Marco and Jake

Disclaimer: I don't own Animorphs or any other characters that appear in this fic. I also know some you will nit pick, and yes Rachel is alive in this story. It will be explained in another fic.

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My name is Marco.

I can't tell you my last name because…well actually now I could tell you my last name, but after not telling any one what my last name is for so long, I kinda forgot it. Anyway, you know me and my friends and our previous exploits. You don't? What rock have you been under?! It made international news for Chrissake!

Well the whole mess started one night when my friends and I decided to take a short cut through the construction sight. Back then it was me, Jake, Rachel, Cassie, Tobias, and the loveable Old James…… wait a sec. Old James wasn't there. I don't even know anybody named Old James, or James for that matter!! Gone.

To make a long story short we came across a dying alien prince name Elfangor. He told us about the whole Yeerk Fiasco and gave us the morphing gift. And the rest, as they say, is history. Well the war's over now and we kicked the Yeerks off our planet and back to their world.

After words treaties and alliances were formed and we became national heroes, not to mention make George Lucas wet his drawers. The Yeerks formed a treaty with the rest of the universe and became satisfied with the out come for the most part, the rest of creation throws a party. Since the Yeerks obliterated our old town, we all moved to a new one and went on with life.

Cassie is a successful part time veterinarian who works at the local clinic. Tell me you didn't see that one coming a mile away. Rachel is a detective on the police force. Rachel  with a badge and a gun permit, now that is scary. Ax became a prince, just like his big bro. He brought humans to light with Andlites and like he once said, they started making pilgrimages to our world. They shared some of their technology with us, not too much, but enough to get us started. You though the Pentium 4 was fast? HA! Tobias travels with Ax and became a flying ace among the Andlites, back home, he studies ornithology at the local college. And me? I became an Entrepreneur!

I opened a comic stare down town called "Marco's Vault." We sell not only comics, but manga, magazines, books, video game strategy guides, and CCGs. Special discounts to cute girls. I also do stand up at the local comedy club. You think Jim Bruer's good? You should see me. Jake is co-owner and works with me.

My life still isn't normal though. Apparently our fame got around to people in different parts of the world and in different worlds and they come to me and Jake for help, as heroes-for-hire. Some are super powerful martial artists who could level half a town, but quite a few of these guys don't have enough brain cells to find their way out of a paper bag.

*Whap!*

Ouch! Sorry, Ryouga. In fact, one of our many adventures started on muggy Saturday in August……..

************

Marco's store was a squat one story building nestled between an apartment building and an office building. The interior had shelves, racks, and display cases full of Marco's wares. One side of the store was a Terminator Pinball machine and right across from it was a Bubble Boy. The case at the back served as the service counter with the cash register perched on top. On the outside was large sign and a Pepsi Machine.

Marco sat poised at the cash register reading a "Dead Pool" comic, while Jake read the latest issue of "Rolling Stone." Jake looked up from his magazine. "So I hear you did good at the club last night." Marco sighed. "I only got a good review because two Howlers ran out on stage and pantsed me. I thought they were laughing at my Colin Powles jokes." He muttered.

Then they were approached by an old friend of theirs. "Hey Eric!" Eric the Chee clapped hands with him and put a manga down on the counter. "Hey guys, could you ring this up for me?"

"Sure. It's fifteen bucks, but I'll shave off five." Eric Paid him as Marco entered it in, then he glanced at the android's perches. "I didn't know you were into Mobile Suit Gundam." Eric smiled. "I reminds me of my self."

As Eric left, another guy entered. He looked about 16 or 17, he had a black hair in a pigtail, and wore Chinese clothing. He walked with a cocky gait as he approached the not so dynamic duo. "Hey, I'm Ranma, and I need your help." Marco looked up with a grin and Jake sighed. It couldn't last. " I'm Marco, how may I help you?" Ranma looked around. "I need to explain things, you have a lot of time?" Marco shrugged as Ranma related the events of his life.

***************

"Okay, you managed to solve you fiancée problem for the most part so we don't have to worry about that." Jake visibly showed relief. "So what is you problem?" Marco inquired. "Well, actually Ryouga's the one in trouble, I got a note from Mousse a day or two ago." He hand them a crumpled piece of paper that read:

Ryouga's been captured by Amazons. Needs Help

Sincerely,

Mousse.

Ranma took the paper back. "He later came in person and explained things to me. Apparently P-Chan got jumped by a Tiger and ran right through the village, and in the process, ran over half the Amazons in the village…twice. Well after consulting the elders, they went on a husband hunt and…" Marco stopped him. " If I remember what you told us correctly, if a guy defeats an Amazon, she becomes his bride?" Ranma nodded. "So they chase him like Greyhounds on a dog track and Ryouga doesn't realize what's going on until he stops to catch his breath. He was dog piled by thirty of them. Then there was the problem of who gets him, so a tournament is being held, along with Ryouga as first prize."

Jake began to feel a sense of foreboding and dread about this mission, and he hadn't felt that way since the Yeerk Pool. "Marco don't say it."

"We'll do it!"

***************

"Why did you agree to help break Ryouga out?"

Ranma had left for China and Marco was  dashing about, turning things off, closing blinds and changing the sign. "Because I owe Ryouga favor, he kept Visser 2 from running me up the flag pole. He was lost as usual. Besides, I told you we should have done the super hero thing from the beginning!"

Marco went back into the storage room and pulled out a garage door opener and pressed it. A clear case popped out with a super hero costume in it that looked reminiscent of "Blank Man." It was spandex, gloves, a bandana, and a tie dye cape. He began putting it on and Jake shook his head. "You've got to lay off the 'Batman' comics."

"Oh ha ha ha." Marco muttered humor-lessly then pressed the control again and a second case popped out. "No Marco."

"But your my sidekick so you.."

"No. I don't' look good in spandex."

Marco sighed and went out into the main room and walked over to a nondescript  rack and pushed a hidden switch and it slid aside to revile a round hole. "Ladies first." Jake glared at him and jumped down the hole with Marco right behind him.

They were in garage with a car right in the center of it. Jake stared it and turned to his friend how was proudly admiring it like a Michelangelo sculpture.

"You bought a 1954 Mazda…"

"Yep."

"Painted it Tie Dye…"

"Mmhm."

"…and put a big 'M' on the hood."

Jake looked his friend and sighed. "You really have to lay off the comics." But even though he complained Jake still got in along with Marco, who in true Batman fashion, drove up a ramp and out into the street through a secret entrance behind a Chinese Restaurant.

"Hold on tight Jake!"

"Why?"

"Ax gave me a light warp drive…"

"You didn't."

"Here we go!"

"MARCO NO!!"

Marco ignored him and pressed a button on his dash board. Out of the rear, two twin engines emerged. The car gave a rumble as the engine lit up, and it appeared to other people on the outside, to stretch out like a piece of taffy, then lurched forward and disappeared in flash of light.

Inside the view outside the windows turned from a busy highway to a white void, then beams of blue light began to flash by as they entered hyper space. Jake felt himself violently slam back in his seat due to the force, his ears popped three times consecutively. "AAAAAAAAA!!!"

"Marco, this is insane!"

"Stop stealing my lines!"

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Ranma waited patiently outside the village gate, checking his watch. Marco said he'd be here, and he had only fifteen minutes left. 'I swear, he's just as bad as Ryouga.' What Ranma didn't notice was the air starting to ripple. He did hear a dull roar.

Ranma nearly wet himself as a tie-dyed Mazda popped out of nowhere and stopped inches away from his cringing form. The doors opened, and a figure clad in a ridiculous looking superhero outfit bounded out of the driver's side. The other occupant flopped out on the ground and gasped like a half-spent fish.

Ranma stared and began to snicker. "Let me guess, Captain Spandex and his side kick Normal Guy?" Marco came out of pose and glared at Ranma. "Leave the one-liners to me okay?" Ranma shrugged. "Okay, get rid of the spandex and follow me.

[ Batman scene change with a swirling multi-colored back ground. A "M&J" zooms in]

Ranma and co. stood before Ryouga who was, for the moment, un harmed. "Hey, P-chan. How are they treatin' you in there?" Ryouga stood in front of a small one person hut, a heavy, thick manacle was attached to his ankle. He looked like he hadn't slept in weeks.

"Let's just say I'm not getting respect a warrior deserves." He paused and his lip trembled. "I was up all night…GETTING HARASSED!!" As he said this two amazons walked by him, one paused to slap him on the bottom, causing Ryouga to furiously blush. "See what I mean?!"

I think they're mistaking my kindness for weakness…" Ryouga finally couldn't take it anymore and began to weep. "…I'm so scared!!" Marco's brow knitted in disgust and walked for ward and began shaking the lost boy by his shoulders.

"Common, Stop crying, Ryouga!! Don't let 'em see you crying here! Now look at me!" Ryouga wiped his tear stained face on his sleeve and looked at Marco. "Okay, now show me a mean face." Ryouga hesitated, the scrunched up his eyes, bared his teeth a little and made an "Errr!" sound. The other three boys sweat dropped. "Yeah…yeah. T-that's a mean face alright. Uh, we'll work on it."

"How long do you think you can last?" Jake inquired. Ryouga shrugged. " I dunno, maybe five….six thirty!" The others smiled and laughed half heartily. "Oh common, you can be in there longer then that!" Ryouga began to panic at the care-less tone of voice, but Ranma patted him reassuringly. "But we will get you out." The others nodded as they turned to leave.

Marco took one last over the shoulder glance at the lost boy. He was now being cornered by several women with lustful gleams in their eyes. "They're gonna kill him."

*************

So then we set up camp in the woods and began to lay out our strategy. After much debating and several cups of instant coffee, we came up on a plan that I created…

[ "That's because we couldn't think of anything better" ]

Quiet, Jake. We decided to name the campaign, Operation: "Mr. Nice Guy." After our good friend, Ryouga. Our first step was to make our intentions clear to the opposition. We later sent our ultimatum to them.

********

Marco watched the guards at the gates and slowly crept out of the bushes, they stiffened, then relaxed. Marco began to slowly approach, but the intimidating way the guards held their swords caused him to dive back into the safety of the foliage.

The guards sweat dropped at his show of fear, then a paper airplane sailed out of the under brush and landed at the right most's feet. Arching an eyebrow she picked up and scanned the message. Said guard began to double up with mirth and handed the letter to her partner, who got a identical reaction from the content.

Soon laughter rang out from the guard house as the satirical material passed hands.

********

After we caused uncertainty and unrest in the village, we went a head with Plan A: The Direct Attack.

********

It could be said the guards were at least mildly surprised when a gorilla, a tiger, and some guy with a pigtail came charging out of the jungle screaming things like " McCloud!" and "Carpe Diem!"

Thinking quickly, they leapt aside as the motley group charged passed them and with in the village. One pulled out a whistle and gave it a sharp blow. Soon the village erupted in a symphony of violence as the would be rescuers were set upon by all most every warrior.

When they finally pulled out, the crusader's were a very sorry group. Ranma limped along using a broom handle as a walking stick, a bruised Jake lagged behind him, carrying Marco's battered and unconscious body over his shoulder.

***********

Well, that may not have been the wisest move on our part but we had to move one. Besides, that plan was Ranma's. Plan B: Psychological Warfare.

***********

Marco swaggered out of the jungle, lugging a large stereo. He placed it with in the hearing distance and turned the volume on Bass. An upbeat polka number began to ring out, disrupting the harmony of the area. "Give up?!" he cowed.

Thirty seconds later, the stereo died  as a spear soared out of the village. The thrower was given a victory feast later that evening.

***************

Well, maybe their too well guarded against mental torture, so after I gave my Casio a decent burial, we moved on. Plan C: The Arial Attack.

***************

"Thanks, Mr. Highwind, we really appreciate the favor." Marco expressed his gratitude as the grizzled old pilot flew his aircraft, the Highwind, over the Jusenkyo Area. "Ah, it's nothin', "said, brushing off the Animorph's thanks, " 'Sides, I ain't got anything better to do."

"Are you sure we can pull this off Marco?" Jake asked, expressing righteous concern for his well being. "Jake, have I ever steered you wrong? Don't answer that." Jake sighed and continued to struggle with the strap of his parachute.

Marco's "brilliant" idea was for them to pull a paratrooper number and float into the village. Ranma had gotten his on and began having second thoughts about this scheme. "Okay we're at the drop point, boys." Cid grunted as he light up a cigarette. "Uh, any last words of wisdom about parachuting?" asked Jake who had more or less gotten his on. Cid took a long drag and then finally said, "Yeah, don't look down, and try not to piss your drawers." Some how, that didn't comfort the ex-leader of the Animorphs.

Jake had no time to argue any more as Marco dragged him to the observation deck and threw him off, jumping right after him. Ranma stood there and began to have third and fourth thoughts and decided that he liked breathing. "Captain Highwind, could you set me down somewhere near by?"

***********

The two Animorphs tumbled and turned in the sky as the plummeted towards the ground. After a minute of screaming they suddenly remembered to pull their cords. Soon the chutes deployed and Jake began to have renewed faith in God.

"That wasn't so bad." Marco commented off handedly, he wasn't about to admit he hadn't followed Cid's advice to the letter and was eager to get into some dry pants when he touched down on solid earth.

As they neared the village, Jake noted that they were floating towards a large pen. He didn't become concerned until he saw the occupants of the pen and began to morph into a tiger.

"Why ya doing that, Jake?" in answer his friend pointed down to an enclosed area containing six big tigers. Marco shrieked and began to steer himself to the out side of the pen. He managed to succeed some what and fell into a tree. When he emerged from the bows, he was tangled up in his parachute, and dangling just out of the beasts' reach.

Jake wasn't as lucky as he drifted, half morphed, into the fenced area. He was set upon immediately as Marco looked on in horror. The commotion brought a small group of Amazons to the scene as Jake screams of pain and the tiger roaring climaxed. Eventually the amazons began to show compassion and used a hooked staff to drag him out, where he was then rushed by two runners with a stretcher to the nearest hospital.

Deprived of their new scratching post, the tigers gathered underneath Marco and twitched their tails in anticipation. "Ha Ha!! You can't get me, you fish sucking flea factories!! Thrrrbbbb!!" Marco wouldn't have been so confidant if he knew just what kind of tigers he was sticking his tongue at.

The Amazons had raised these six from cub-hood, and had given special attention to the intelligence quotient of the felines. These cat were not exactly on the human level of thinking, but were pretty damn close.

Marco stopped his mockery when, to his utter amazement, one of the beasts stood on his hind legs. The tiger then picked up a stick awkwardly between it's paws, and began to poke at Macro.

"Hey stop that! Ow! That hurts! Get away from me with that!" Marco was suddenly cut off as the strings holding him out of harms way snapped…

It took the women a little long to pull him out, then they did Jake. It was hard to distinguish Marco's screams from the squealing of a pig.

*************

We began to run out of time. Our man on the inside informed us that Ryouga was to be wed to the winner of the tournament that had been going on, undaunted, as we attempted gain entry. Ryouga was to be wed to the winner tomorrow.

After Ranma came and retrieved us from the hospital we set our last plan into action. Plan D: When all else fails, use espionage.

*************

[ Batman Scene Change with Marco's head panning out]

 The night air was clam as three figures streaked across the clearing and pressed themselves against the wall. Marc was wearing all black, with a head hugging hat and pasty white make up, making him look remarkably like a mime. Ranma and Jake were dressed in their everyday clothing.

Marco motioned for silence and pulled a grappling hook out of a tote bag he had slung over his shoulder. He twirled it for second and threw it up over the wall in an arch, effectively catching the wall.

After climbing up he jumped with in to find Jake and Ranma waiting for him at the bottom. "How'd you guys get in here so fast?" he hissed. Ranma simply pointed at the gate which was wide open.

**************

"Hey, look over there, Sao Pu." The sentry turned her head and saw three figures standing at the gate arguing. Then one began to roll across the ground to one of the huts, with the other two walking behind him.

"Say, isn't it that Lun Ma guy Shampoo used to chase?" her companion nodded as they viewed the rescuers bumbling across the roof tops, the mime looking one missed the edge of one roof and crashed to the ground.

"Should we raise the alarm?"

"Nah, this is too much fun."

***************

The trio managed to get to the roof of the council lodge, were Ryouga had been moved to, so that the two remaining competitors would try and cheat. Marco rubbed the sizable goose egg on his head as Jake handed him a saw. Soon a large hole was formed and Marco tied a rope harness to himself as he prepared to infiltrate the enemy base…

***************

Ryouga flopped back on his bed and draped an arm across his face. This had been the second most painful week of his life, after being cursed in the Spring of Drowned Piglet. He had had sparing sessions with entire groups of females, almost 15 at a time!

His rear was black and blue from the pinches and playful slaps of the hormone induced Amazons. Today alone he counted at least five fresh red marks on his already mangled bottom. Amazons were not known for being gentle when they flirt.

Then there was the tournament that had him feeling like a trophy or a prize turkey as he sat near the elder's table with a sign around his neck that read: "First Prize." He didn't even want to think about his experiences in the communal bathing center.

Right now all he wanted was to rest in his nice, warm (hopefully safe,) bed. How ever he glanced up at the ceiling and almost let out a yep as Marco was lowered through a freshly made hole the roof al la Mission Impossible.

"Marco, what the…" Before, he could finish, Marco had doused him with water from a squirt gun and threw the now squealing P-Chan into his tote bag, along with Ryouga's clothing.

Not even bothering to climb back up the rope, Marco dashed out of the room and run along the corridor… and smack dab into an Amazon. She had brilliant red hair that was shoulder length and was taller than most of the women in the village, and was also well muscled.

She reached for the large broad sword at her side, and Marco screamed and grabbed the nearest object and hit her on the head with it in a blinding show of speed. He ran full out as the woman collapsed with a mace laying discarded near her.

'I'm home free!' Marco thought gleefully as he ignored P-Chan's squeals of protest and slammed the door open… and found himself facing thirty armed women leveling a variety of painful looking weapons at him. "Oops."

*************

"So he really got you to do that?" Cologne cackled as she chatted merrily with her guests. Suddenly the door burst open and a restrained Marco was dragged in and unceremoniously dropped in chair. Marco looked at other two occupants of the elder's dwelling to find that they were…

"Jake?! Ranma?!" He was speech-less. His friends were sitting with the enemy, un bound,  and calmly drinking tea. "Oh hi Marco." Ranma said nonchalantly. "What are you guys doing?! We're going to be tortured, interrogated, and castrated!!" Marco hyperventilated while all those present sweat dropped.

The Cologne and the remaining warrior then burst out laughing. "Is that what you think was going to happen?" Cologne asked between guffawed. "Well…" Cologne waved his coming answer aside. "You'd be right on normal standers, but your friends came to me to discuss this problem rationally." Jake gave Marco a smug look. "Yeah, I guess we should've talked it out." He admitted sheepishly.

As they had been talking, the tall Amazon ,who Marco had beaned earlier, had been looking him over and had seated herself uncomfortably close to him. "Well after we talked about it, I've decided to let the lost boy go." P-Chan's head poked out off Marco's bag as soon as the words left the old crone's lips. He gave a joyful "Bweeee!!" and somersaulted into the air.

Suddenly, the warrior who had been eyeing Marco all night, posed a question to the older woman. Cologne answered after a pause and the girl whooped excitedly and seated her self on Marcos' lap. Marco would have enjoyed it if not for the fact he was tied up, the girl was almost 2 feet taller than him, and she was almost as strong as Shampoo. "Gack! What did you say?!" Marco gasped as the Amazon began to nudge him not so gently with her face.

"I simply gave Rouge my consent to court you. You did defeat her, you know. Think of her as your fiancée." Marco's eyes became blood shot and he began to make inaudible noises. Taking this as a sign of acceptance, Rouge picked him up and carried him off to show to her friends. Marco's scream could be heard across the valley.

Jake shook his head and turned to Cologne. "Did you really do that to him?' The elder sipped her tea before answering. "No, I actually told her to make it seem that way for couple of days. He'll be released then." Jake smiled and Ranma sniggered.

*************

So ended our little adventure. Ryouga and Ranma made peace for a few days until, Ranma accidentally ate Ryouga's lunch. They're at again. Jake and I are back in the States after I was set free. Rachel still won't let me live it down.

Thus ends this adventure, now I have to go see the local chiropractor. Amazon hugs hurt like a mother.

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That's it for my first Marco and Jake story, please R&R. And look for more of My Marco and Jake series.