It Was A Dark and Stormy Night…
Disclaimer: You know the drill. The second story in my series of fics. Enjoy!
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My names' Marc Diamond, I'm a gumshoe with no gum on his shoes.
My office is a in a pretty crummy part of town, located on tha 35th floor of a dilapidated office building. I've had many strange cases in my time, but tha most unusual one was a lil' trip down tha yeller brick road I like ta call…The Three Way Fiancée Caper. It all started on a rainy Tuesday….
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Marco's monologue is cut off by the approach of a figure at the door to his scruffy office. Jake entered and looked around in confusion then saw his best friend dressed up in a trench coat and hat. "Hey , Marco, playing 'Film Noir' again?"
"Yep." Marco replied grinning. Jake blinked his eyes and squinted. "Why's everything black and white?" Marco was about to answer when Jake hit a switch next to the light switch and suddenly the color returned, causing Marco to yelp and fall out of his chair. "Warn me next time!" he groaned, rubbing his eyes. "Sorry."
Marco put his chair back in an upright position and plopped down in it. " Like the set up?" Jake glanced around. "Nice, except one thing. Where is all this cigarette smoke coming from. You don't smoke." Marco answered by reaching behind his desk and pulling out a fog machine.
"Pretty cool huh? It.." Jake held up his hand. "Let me guess it came with the black and white machine, and the coat and hat?" Marco was astonished at Jakes accurate guess but recovered quickly. "Don't forget the 9.mm. It was a Humphrey Bogart package, I couldn't resist." Jake rolled his eyes and took a cautious seat on a green patch work couch. The rusty springs gave an agonizing groan.
Marco propped his feet up on the desk. "So, buddy…wanna be my partner?" Jake shrugged. "I don't have anything better to do." Jake got up and sat at a small desk next to Marco's that had a telephone and a type writer on it. "Stick with me, kid. And maybe you won't get tossed in the Michigan with cement around your ankles."
"Now cases usually start three ways. One: a Phone call from the cops or a customer. Two: A hot dame coming to the door. And finally, a messenger boy falling down on the door step with a package and a knife in his back." Jake looked alarmed.
Even as Marco finished, a female silhouette appeared at his door. "Okay here comes the dame." Marco sounded giddy as he brushed back his hair and picked his teeth. The door burst open and three women came in talking all at once. "Correction dames."
The first one was a short haired girl in a dress and coat, yelling at the top of her lungs and waving a mallet for emphasis. The second was a girl clad in a suit and carrying a spatula. The third wore an ornate Chinese dress that left her right leg exposed and wielded two huge maces. "Whoa slow down, back up." Jake cried and they all settled.
"Okay' ladies from tha top, Jake take this down." The short haired one stepped forward. "I'm Akane Tendo, and this is Ukyo Kuonji and Shampoo. We've come to hire you." That surprised Marco. "Why us?" Ukyo answered. "Because, you're the cheapest."
Marco and Jake face-faulted. "I feel so honored." Marco commented snidely. Akane, Ukyo and Shampoo simultaneously slid forward three identical pictures of a young man with a pigtail, Chinese clothing, and a egotistical expression that would have brought a tear to Vegeta's eye. "Confidant, isn't he?" Marco quipped.
"That fiancée, Ranma. He go missing five day ago. Akane found note." The Amazon said, laying a sheet of rumpled paper on the desk. Marco picked it up and looked at it in confusion. "What happened to it? It's all taped together." Akane shuffled her feet. "I kinda got mad when I found it." Marco sighed. The note read:
We have your fiancée. If you ever want to see him in one piece, you'll bring 3,000,000 dollars, a six pack of Miller Light, the Black Materia, a box of Twinkies, and the dragon balls to the old warehouse district on Monday. If you don't comply, you won't be able to find enough atoms for a proper burial.
Love,
The Northwestern Left -Side-of- Mainstreet Gang.
Marco pondered and appeared to put every ounce of thought he had into accepting the case until, to make up his mind for him, Shampoo lifted the hem of her dress a little higher…
"We'll do it!" Marc said, slightly red in the face. As they left Jake turned to Marco. "Okay you took a case, now what Powell?" Marco tossed Jake his jacket. 'We hit the streets." He left and Jake followed.
They walked out into a light drizzle and began down the street when Marco paused. "Something's missing." Jake glanced around and scratched his head. "What?" Marco didn't answer him and instead walked off, there was silence for a moment then a whap and yelp of pain. Marco returned to his bewildered friend and began walking again, followed by the classic sleazy saxophone music that accompanied detective films. "Ryouga fell asleep at the cd player."
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I began puzzlin' over tha case at hand, wondering who could be responsible, before my partner suggested that it might be the Northwestern Left-Side-of-Mainstreet Gang. -Poor kid's a few slices short of a loaf.- Then I began mull it over and thought maybe he had a good point. 'Course I was still thinkin' about that Mandarin number with tha odangos. Watta knock out…
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Preoccupied with his fantasies, Marco stepped off the curb.
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"These guys work fast Jake! Not even five minutes on the job, and they're already sending hit men after us!" Marco raved as he excavated himself from the imprint he had left in a brick wall.
"I doubt it. Besides, you walked out in front of him." Jake said as he looked at the driver who was shouting unintelligibly and jabbing his finger at the dented grill of his taxi. All that the former leader of the Animorphs could make out was the cabbie threatening to stick his fender up something.
After getting over the "attack" Marco lead Jake to a speak-easy, sauntered up nonchalantly and rapped on the door. A pair of suspicious eyes peering through the small sliding window greeted him. "What's the password?"
Marco glanced left to right quickly. "The Acorn has landed." The door opened and they were admitted inside. Marco and Jake looked at the bar, people were drinking, dancing, as well as other activities. They decided to question the bartender, Marlene.
After getting no leads or identification on Ranma, Marco gave her a dollar for ice cream and went after the barmaid/owner Tifa Lockhart. "Nope, can't say I've seen the guy with the pigtail, but I know where you can get info on the gang." Marco wasn't even paying attention as her gave her the "elevator." After Jake slapped him upside the head, he gave her his phone number and walked over to one of the patrons.
A talking pig sat in the booth watching all the hot waitresses and itching to reach out with his very free hands. Tifa pointed him out, for the umpteenth number of times she had beaten him sense-less and threw him out for the free hands he was known for.
"Hello, Oolong." Marco said as he and Jake casually sat in the booth with him. The Shape shifting Pig muttered a greeting and pulled on his collar. "Uh, hey listen if you want info.." Marco leaned forward. "And we do." Oolong sighed, he knew he was bacon bits. "The Northwest-Left-Side-of Mainstreet Gang's hide out. They hang out down at pier 32 in the old warehouse district. Don't tell 'em I sent you." He stopped to catch his breath and Marco pouted. "I wanted to grill him until he spilled his guts." The pig winced. "Don't say 'grill.'"
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[Black and white batman scene change, a Picture of Humphrey Bogart zooms in.]
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After learning the where abouts of the gang (which Jake pointed out they already knew, waving the letter in Marco's face,) They made their way to the warehouse district at the pier (don't they all.) As they were about to pass the mouth of a large ally way Marco suddenly held out his arm.
"Wait, I've seen this a thousand times. You walk by the ally way, and are grabbed and introduced to a world of extreme pain as a warning……you go first, Jake." Jake face faulted as his friend pushed him forward. Jake took a deep breath and walked painstakingly by the ally…and nothing happened.
Marco scratched his head. He thought for sure it was this ally. Oh well. As Marco strolled across the opening, a huge muscular hand grabbed him by the throat and yanked him inside. Jake winced at the sounds that followed.
To him, it sounded liked a woman from a 50's horror movie was shrieking in the background as a person was beaten with a car repeatedly during an earthquake. He wasn't too far off. Finally the gruesome sounds halted and Jake relaxed out of his partially huddled position.
The hands appeared again, gently setting Marco down standing up. The way to simply describe how he looked was that he had been tossed in a stump grinder. The assailant pulled out Marco's hat (which had a large chunk of the brim bitten off,) and sat it neatly atop his head, brushed him off with a small hand broom, and popped a mint in his mouth. Marco slowly keeled over and groaned.
Jake blinked and then noticed the hit man's ridiculously muscled hand holding a tea try in offering. "Just what I needed!" He poured himself a cup and slowly sipped it, savoring the flavor of various herbs and ginseng. He finished his drink and set the cup back on the tray, and reaching into his pocket and laid a five dollar bill on the platter.
The hit man left and Jake dragged his best friend's unconscious form to the nearest doctor's clinic. Minutes later he and a bruised Marco were hot on the trail again. "This is tough, we may have to search the entire city for these lowlifes." The would-be sleuth muttered as Jake bit back the urge to yell at his partner.
As they plodded along, they came across a trolley with a flashing neon sign that said "This Way to the Hide Out!" Marco sweat dropped "Well, it sure beats walking." Jake shrugged and they entered, handing the conductor, Cid Highwind, their two bits. Marco kept thinking he had seen this done somewhere before…
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[ Batman Scene Change with Marco's head panning out]
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In what appeared to be no time at all, the two heroes fond themselves standing before a grim looking ware house in the bad part of town (I really doubt a group of small time gangsters would be housed in a first class hotel.)
"Well, we're here. Have any ideas on what to do, Sherlock?" Marco ignored him and began to climb up on a convenient tower of crates, with Jake reluctantly following. Wiping away the grime obscuring the window, they peered inside and saw the mobsters with the long name hunched over something on table.
Both boys began to sweat as they tried to see what they we're doing, when one moved and they saw them……playing Candyland? The short man with the widow's peak was apparently winning, the others were grumbling while an eight foot tall member was trying to stuff one of tokens up his nose.
Shaking with silent mirth the two gumshoes turned around to find themselves face to face with a pair of hit men from the gang, recognizable as Android "Disquieting" Seventeen, and "Iron Liver" Reno.
"Hello, boys. I'm hurt that you didn't just come up to the door and knock, I'm sure Mr. Big wouldn't mind having guests." Seventeen chuckled as Reno pulled out his night stick. "Wanna teach them some manners?"
"Let's"
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"Oog, feels like there's a Marching Band in my head." Marco muttered woozily as he regained his senses. As his blurred vision cleared he make out Jake sitting next to him doing the same. He tried to wipe a thread of drool from his lips but found his arms immobile due to the fact that they were tied to his sides. Jake was similarly situated. And right behind them was…
"Ryouga?" The lost boy began to struggle and yelped. "Huh? Whos' there? Somebody turn me around!" Jake shook his head and blinked. "What are you doing here?" Ryouga sighed. "They didn't like the music selection." Marco was about ask something else when a snide voice interrupted him. "Well, nice to see your finally awake."
Standing before the heroes was the entire Northwest-Left –Side…ah forget it. It's the villains of the story. Marco could recognize their ugly mugs anywhere. There were the Turks in all their drunken glory, Android Seventeen, Visser "Dictator" One, "Big Man" Brolli, Sephiroth "the Impaler", "Girly Man" Tarou, and of course Mr. Big himself( a.k.a Vegeta.) They all wore Armani suits, Visser One was noticeably picking at his.
"Nice to finally meet you clowns. I'm surprised you made it this far." Vegeta smirked at his captives. "You've been an awful thorn in our side, Diamond. Your involvement in our affairs is over, how ever." Visser One sneered. "So now what do we do with them?" Tarou inquired.
"Brolli want short one as pet." Marco let out a girly shriek and began to quiver. "What happened to that mouse you were playing with the other day?" Vegeta asked, raising an eyebrow. Brolli looked sad. "He pet once. But don't move no more." Everyone grimaced. "Perhaps that's too horrible."
"How about you let us go and turn yourselves in?" Marco suggested hastily. Mr. Big tapped his chin in thought. "That seems like a good idea…" He suddenly scowled. "Nice try." Marco cursed bitterly. "I say get rid them now and save some trouble." The controller then snapped his fingers and a pair of Taxxons strolled in, slobbering with anticipation. "Eeep!" Jake whimpered.
"Yes, but why don't we have fun with them first. Whatta ya say?" Mr. Big addressed his gang, and the others gave murmurs of agreement, except for Brolli, who was staring off into space. "Brolli!" He snapped out of his own little world and looked down on the much shorter Sayian "What short vegetable man want?" The mob leader glared at the giant super sayian and turned back to his "guests." "Brolli agrees." He whistled.
In the shadows of the were house something shuffled and began crawl towards the light. Marco and Jake began to sweat furiously, while Ryouga was bouncing up and down in his chair, demanding to be turned around. Finally the apparition stepped in the light, which reviled it as Mr. Big's ultimate torture method, The Rabid Accordion Playerä. "Yannie? Give these gentlemen a concert."
(The following scene has been censored due to the obscenely atrocious music.)
Two hours later the monster finished and shuffled off after Mr. Big removed his earmuffs and gave him a plate of Braughtwurst. Marco and Jake lolled and twitched, emotionally scarred for life. "It was pretty good actually." Everyone fell over at Ryouga's remark.
"Enough of this, time to say good night." Vegeta snapped as he walked over to an object enshrouded by a sheet and pulled the tarp away to reveal a giant delete key. " Prepare to be deleted." Vegeta smirked as he began rapidly pressing the button. The ends of Marco's feet began to cube up and vanished as the deletion ran up his foot, he shrieked as the gang laughed maliciously.
"This can't happen to me! I'm the hero!" Marco sobbed and then blinked with surprise. "Wait a minute!" He strained and managed to dislodge one of his arms and began rummaging through his coat. He finally came up with the script and flipped through it as the deletion began to crawl up his legs. "Hey! I don't get deleted, I DON'T GET DELETED!!" Vegeta paused in his villainous fun and scowled at Marco. "What the hell are you talking about?!" Marco stuck out his tongue. "I don't get killed, it's right here in black and white." Vgeta stomped over and snatched the script out of the gumshoe's hand and glanced over it.
He stopped reading and gave the page a disgusted stare, then he pulled out a pencil and scribbled something down on the paper and handed it back to Marco. "Hey no fair!" Marco whined as Vegeta smirked. "Who says the villain has to be fair?"
Marco gave Mr. Big a dirty look and grabbed the pencil from the mobster's hand and wrote over his scrawl. "Now see here!" Vegeta snarled as he stormed up to Marco, who stood up with the chair still attached to his bottom and they both stood eye to eye. Antagonist and Protagonist growled and stood on their tip toes as they argued.
"Your going to be deleted!"
"I am not!"
"You are too!"
"Not!"
"To!"
"Not!"
"Too!"
As this went on the others looked on with mild interest. Meanwhile, Jake got an idea. "Hey Ryouga? Your strong right?" The lost boy nodded. "Then why didn't you break these ropes?" Ryouga blinked once, twice. The he grinned sheepishly. "Ah hah hah. I forgot." Jake face faulted as the cursed boy broke his bond and loosened Jake's. They both snuck out as the two tiny titans debated like politicians.
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"Not!"
"To!"
"Not!"
The verbal sparring was still in full swing three hours later, mean while the other gang members quickly tired of the ranting and wandered off to occupy themselves. Reno and Rude were engaged in a spirited drinking contest with Seventeen, Broli had found a ball of yarn to amuse himself with, Sephiroth was huddled in the corner with his gameboy trying to beat Final Fantasy Three and grumbling about he was the greatest FF villain is existence, and Visser One was giving directions to the crew of his Blade Ship.
"Pack my overnight bag, and you had better feed Dr. Fishoppolis, because if I come back on bored to find him dead, you will be the one floating belly up!!" He snarled over his cell phone while the random subordinate who was unlucky enough to have answered it, cowered. "Yes, sir."
Suddenly the door burst open and Ryouga stepped in and held his umbrella out like a lance. "RANMA PREPARE TO..err…MR. BIG PREPARE TO…I mean….ah, skip it." He stormed in followed by Ranma's fiancées, wielding their signature weapons. The came Cassie and Rachel.
"Hey, I was just starting to win!" Marco whined. Vegeta gave him a glare. "I was!" Rachel sighed with disgust and brought up her gun. "Enough of this short man bitch session. Freeze!!" Vegeta decided to let the argument drop and shoved Marco away as he ran to the other side of the room were the rest of his gang joined him.
Marco and Jake whipped out their guns, Shampoo held her maces in ready position, Ukyo fitted throwing spatulas into her hands, Akane had her mallet for any threat they dared come near her, and Cassie was Awkwardly holding Tommy gun. "You sure I can handle this?" she asked Rachel timidly. "Yeah, their easy to use, just point and shoot."
Wrong choice of words. Cassie held the gun out in front of er and squeezed the trigger. The small rat-a-tat-tat of the weapon seemed sound, well, interesting, so she fired off a quick round again. She then got a look on her face that Marco later dubbed "The James Cagney Look." As she fired wildly around the room smiling manically. "You were right Rach! This is fun! The Power!! THE POWER!!!" Jake appeared out the smoke and swiped it from her hand. He gave her a hallow look. "No..more..tommy..gun…for you!" he said through clinched teeth. "Sorry, I kinda lost myself for a moment." She muttered sheepishly.
The room was full of gun steam and bullet hole dotted the building like a community of termite had moved in. Windows had shattered and the sparse furniture was scorched. Amid the carnage was Marco. His trench coat was tattered, his hat looked like Swiss cheese, and the sleeve were completely gone. He had a blank look on his face.
Cassie gave him look of concern and asked, "Marco, are okay?" He blinked then shook his head had gave her a confidant grin. "Nah, I'm okay." He strolled over to a water cooler and poured himself a cup. Water sprinkled out of the bullet holes in his body as he sipped his drink. "This is so WB." He commented dryly.
"Hey, were are the villains?" asked Ryouga, scratching his head with his umbrella. Out from behind the crates lining the warehouse a small white flag appeared and waved along with the frightened eyes of the mobsters. Then the all Irish police men burst in.
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As soon he was safely cuffed, Mr. Big was handed over to the fiancées for questioning. Several arm twists and ear grabs later he screamed, "Okay! Okay! In the back room!!" He was dropped to the ground as the girls rushed to towards a door at the far wall and tore it off it's hinges.
Inside, Ranma was performing his katas until he turned to see what was the disturbance, and turned deathly pale. "NOOOO!!!" Marco was counting his reward money when the cry rang out as a terrified Ranma ran into the main building shrieking like a banshee.
"You have no reason to fear, you've freed from the North-West-Left-Side-of Mainstreet- Gang." Ranma gave Marc a long-suffering look. "I didn't want to be saved!" he moaned. This got everyone's attention. "I hired them to 'kidnap' me so I could have some time to myself and maybe sort out this whole fiancée mess!!"
Everyone sweat dropped at Ranma's outburst, then Vegeta cleared his throat. "And it looks like you're the who's going to pay our fee." He held out his hand and snapped his fingers twice.
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Marco stood facing Vegeta as everyone surrounded the short privet eye. His lip trembled as he began laying bills in the sayian prince's out stretched hand. He laid more bills down, his eye began to water, and as he got down to the last thousand, his eyes had streams of tears running down his face. He clutched the last hundred protectively.
"Common, give it here." Vegeta said. As Marco sighed and painstakingly laid the currency in Vegeta's hand. "That's a good little meddler." Marc turned away and sobbed bitterly. Vegeta was being led off by the police, but stopped walked back to the weeping boy. "You have change." He smirked a he tossed the Jackson in Marc's direction. Marco's tears turned from sorrow to joy as stuffed the money to his pocket.
"Well, Jake I guess that's case closed." Marco and Jake left the criminals to the fuzz, and Ranma to his girlfriends as the walked off down the street, once again into the rain. Jake paused and turned to Marco with a confused look on his face. "I've been wondering…just who jumped you in that ally way. Marco gave him an all knowing look.
"Why, Jake. Don't you know the butler always did it?"
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FinThanks for reading It maybe a while before I get any more up so be patient. No Flames!!
