Chapter Two:
Once and Again
By Riley
Joey awoke with the clinging and clanging of dishes in the kitchen, discovering she had a pounding headache. As she rubbed her eyes open, she could see the sunlight scattered across the room, and laid back down, closing her eyes in hopes of getting more sleep.
"Joey, are you awake?" Bessie asked at the entrance of the living room.
"Fortunately." Joey opened her eyes finally to see the back of Bessie as she went back into the kitchen. Joey slowly stood and followed her sister into the kitchen to find a table full of B&B guests eating their breakfast. Joey watched them for a moment of confusion, then looked down and found herself dressed in a white tank top and some pink pajama pants—her fuzzy slippers completing the humiliation.
"Um, Hi…everyone." Joey all but ran out of the kitchen as Bessie's laughter followed her all the way up the stairs. Joey immediately hopped in the shower, let the warm water wash away her thoughts.
"Joey, that was some entrance you made."
"Laugh it up, Bessie. How can we further embarrass me while I'm here."
Bessie smiled and continued putting away her linens. "How was dinner last night?" "Don't ask." Bessie looked up in surprise at Joey, while Joey finished brushing her hair. Joey looked at her sister and said, "Trust me, it's not worth talking about."
"Really? Because Dawson hasn't stopped calling you this morning." Joey simply shrugged her shoulders and walked out of the bedroom.
"I'm going for a walk, Bessie. I'll see you later."
"Is everything okay?" Bessie called as Joey headed out the front door.
"Everything's fine."
She walked out of the house in the late afternoon with no place to go. Watching the creek's calm waters, she pulled her hair back as she strolled down her lawn. She stopped momentarily and took a deep breath, letting the fresh air fill her lungs. Joey wanted to get lost in the creek's serenity—it somehow had this natural harmony with the things surrounding it, leaving her with a lost feeling for home. Regardless of this peaceful atmosphere, her heart could not stop pounding. She became aggravated with herself for so many conflicting reasons: for coming back to Capeside; for selfishly wanting Dawson for herself; for wanting to do bodily harm to a girl she didn't even know. That's Capeside—the one place she could always count on for grief. Seldom did anything good happen here and if it did, it was fleeting.
A slight breeze chilled her skin as she forced herself forward to the familiar creek. Thoughts of her childhood with Dawson and Pacey sprang to mind, but she quickly remembered how much reminiscing hurt. She wondered where everyone else was. Probably drooling over Shannon. Except maybe Pacey. He was never one to fuss. She began walking in Pacey's direction and firmly decided she would go see him. What could it hurt—after years of separation they were still…friends. Why not?
Joey found him sprawled on the couch, watching "The Price Is Right" on television. She couldn't help but smile as he focused so intently on the game show. He glanced up and found her watching him. Some things never change.
"Hey there, Tiger."
"Tiger?"
"First thing that came to mind." Joey laughed and sat down on the soft couch next to Pacey. He offered her the remote control, but she refused. She leaned into him enough that she could feel his warmth and for whatever reason—it was comforting
"How's your show?"
"Mindlessly entertaining---as is my life." Pacey looked over at Joey, surprised she came to see him of all people.
"So, what brings you to Dougie's?"
"I wanted to be entertained." She said.
"Clever."
"Where's Doug?"
"The ever-elusive Dougie has gone out—not out of the closet per se, just out of the house."
Joey laughed at him and was thankful things were still normal. "So, what's in store for today, Pace?" He looked at the TV for a minute, then glanced at her and said, "Let's get out of here." Pacey stood up and she willingly placed her hand in his as he pulled her up.
"Um, where are we thinking of going…only because the whole getting out into town thing isn't what I was going for." Pacey nodded knowingly, his face turning serious. "You want to be alone with me. I understand Potter, no need to explain yourself." She rolled her eyes. "Not quite, Pacey. I just…I really don't feel like seeing anyone right now." Pacey looked at her and answered genuinely. "I understand. How about a walk?" Joey agreed, relieved at not having to face anyone else right now. Her emotions were too weak to handle confrontation with Dawson, or anyone else.
They walked along the grass and followed no particular path. She shoved her hands in her pockets to keep them warm in the cool weather. Pacey relieved Joey of any stress by simply talking about light-hearted matters and never going beyond the surface. He was proving himself a real friend to her. A few times he tried to ask about Dawson, but she always turned it into another subject. After some time, they sustained their walk in a comfortable silence, each growing nostalgic of their former home.
"So, what about you? Now that I've admitted to my recently, but none-too-surprising, failed relationship…significant other?"
"Well, I don't know if I would call her a significant other…more like daytime friend, night time lover."
Joey laughed out loud. "Nice. Does she know you refer to her as that?"
"She likes it."
"Are you pretty serious with this girl?"
Pacey watched Joey, but quickly looked ahead after he spotted her watching him closely. "Not really. I mean, she's a great person, but it's still pretty early in the game."
"Yeah?" Joey looked forward solemnly, realizing her miserable situation. "I'm happy for you then…that you have someone."
After a beat, "So, how does it feel to be back here in Capeside, away from the excitement of the big city?"
"I don't know. It's not as horrifying as I had imagined, but it's not the same either…on second thought, it is as horrifying." She smiled, "You?"
"I know what you mean. Especially after last night's declaration."
Joey instantly clammed up when Dawson's name was mentioned. She kept silent as Pacey continued, "I have to say, that was a surprise—to everyone." Again, nothing from Joey.
"Considering how long they've known each other..."
Joey fought it, but couldn't resist. "How long?"
Pacey shrugged his shoulders. "Eight--nine months, maybe."
Joey looked dolefully at him, "Did you know? I mean, did he tell you they were…"
"No. I knew of Shannon, but I didn't know how serious it was." Joey nodded her head, she being in the same position. Silence ensued as they continued to walk. Pacey tried to hold back, but knew things had to come out sometime. He could see it on her face. "How are you holding up?" She automatically replied, "Fine," without even thinking about her answer.
Pacey didn't push anymore. He softly rejoined, "Yeah." Then, without hesitation, he spoke thoughtfully, "This is hard, Jo. I know it is…Life goes on without our permission and we hope and pray the people we love will pine for us, holding their breath for our return. But they don't. And that's when it hurts. Whether we expected it to or not, it still hurts." Pacey understood all too well.
Joey watched the ground as she barely spoke. "I didn't expect him to pine…I just didn't…I never thought this would happen. I just assumed…"
"You'd end up together. Yeah…I know." Joey gave him a weak smile. "You know that cheesy quote about 'If you love something, set it free and if it returns' and so on?"
"Yeah?"
"That's a stupid quote."
Pacey laughed to himself. "You're right, Jo. It is."
"I'm glad I'm here…with you, Pacey." She looked at him curiously. "Why didn't we ever keep in touch?" Thinking a minute, she went on, "I mean beyond the fact that we had a semi-dramatic break up and a series of disturbing relationships. Wait, what was my point?" She smiled more meaningfully and he had to laugh at her. "Exactly."
There was this moment that followed. Both felt it as they gazed at each other. It was a small moment, but one only they could realize and appreciate. A moment of sheer understanding, both forgiving of the past and accepting of the future. Their eyes turned forward, but a new consciousness for one another remained. "Let's head back." Pacey nodded and they took the long way home, their conversation lasting the entire distance.
Arriving home, refreshed from bonding with Pacey, she found the house empty. There was a note lying on the kitchen counter from Bessie saying she was going to be out for a while. Joey reproached herself for not spending more time with her sister, considering how infrequently she came home. Feeling her stomach growl, she headed for the pantry and pulled out the peanut butter and bread. The phone rang just as she grabbed the Grape jelly from the fridge.
"Hello?"
"Hey…is this Joey?"
Joey answered knowingly, "Hi Jen."
"Joey Potter, how are you?"
Mockingly, Joey replied, "Fabulous. You?"
"Splendid. I was hoping you would be home, so we could go out. Let's go play for a while. Jack's already here, and Andie and Dave. We'll call Pacey and Dawson--it'll be just like the good ol' days." Joey's heart dropped, knowing she had to turn Jen down. "I can't. You know: Bessie, the B&B—I really better stay and help out tonight."
"Come on, Joey. We need you. Jack's starting to cry. He really is. And it's not attractive. " Joey laughed, but still refused.
"Okay. Well, how about I call you tomorrow and we'll make a day of it?"
"Sounds good. Have a good time."
"Bye." Joey replaced the phone on the receiver and realized she really didn't feel like being alone tonight. She finished making her peanut butter and jelly sandwich and headed for the living room. Eating slowly, she considered her options: 1) Help Bessie. 2) Wound herself by spending time with friends. Hmmm. Alone at home it is.
As she finished wiping down the kitchen counters, Bessie walked into the kitchen looking exhausted. "Bessie, don't worry about the rest of this, I'll take care of it." Bessie watched Joey continue to clean and tiredly replied, "I've missed you, Josephine Potter. You've really grown up." Joey paused and glanced up at Bessie. "Look at you, Bessie. When did you become a sentimentalist?"
"I can see it in your eyes."
Joey laughed quietly, "The all-telling eyes? There's not much to see." Trying to change the subject, she added, "Seriously, Bess, leave this to me. You never get a break. Please, go out with Bodie and Alex." Wistfully Bessie watched her sister for a moment longer, before standing up and walking up stairs to change. "I love you, Joey."
Joey rinsed her washcloth in the sink before wiping down the kitchen table. She appreciated how much work could take one's mind off things. After picking up a few more things, she glanced at her watch. It was only nine o'clock. Joey walked to the front door, distantly watching for Dawson to come to her door and tell her the last couple of days have been a complete mistake.
Pacey showed up instead. He knocked lightly on the door around ten, afraid to wake up Alex or anyone else. Joey found him at the front door, dressed in khakis and a dark sweater. He actually looked—tempting.
"What are you all dressed up for?"
"I've come to entertain you, once again."
"Really?"
"Well, when Jen told me you were unable to attend the extravaganza tonight, I gave my deepest apologies and quit their company. I'd rather hang out with you."
Joey shook her head, "Always thinking of others, huh Pace?"
"Keep it to yourself."
She invited him in and he followed her into the living room. "So, what am I missing?" Joey plopped down on the couch and patted the cushion next to her. Pacey took a seat next to her before replying, "Trust me when I say nothing."
She shrugged her shoulders. "Yeah, well, even if I was, that would be okay."
Pacey looked around the room and asked coaxingly, "So, what are we going to do tonight?"
"Up for some babysitting? Alex is asleep up in his room."
"I knew you'd come through for me."
Joey smiled sadly, "Sorry. I know this probably wasn't you're idea of entertainment." Pacey smiled widely, "Who cares? We're in Capeside. What else is going on in this sad excuse for a town?"
Joey sat back comfortably on the couch, but then quickly sat up again. "Are you up for a movie?"
"Always."
Joey stood and walked over to a bookshelf, returning with movies in each hand. "Our choices are sad, but Bessie isn't quite up-to-date. Either 'The Fugitive' or 'Ever After?'"
Pacey sighed. "That's tough. I'm going to have to go with Fugitive." Joey looked at the both movie cases for a minute before Pacey laughed and spoke again, "What I meant to say was 'Ever After.' I love that movie."
Joey gave Pacey a half smile as he stood up and followed her to her bedroom upstairs. "So, Bessie decided to put a TV in here?"
"Yeah. I guess she likes to keep Alex in here with movies when the guests are all over the house." He stood awkwardly as she inserted the movie into the VCR, and then quickly laid head first at the end of the bed.
"Stay awhile Pace."
Pacey couldn't explain it, but he hesitated and then followed Joey's lead and laid right next to her, trying to get comfortable, while realizing he was next to the girl had had once loved beyond anything imaginable. He felt all too self-conscious, knowing it was the glint of light that shone on Joey's hair, and the heat of her body, as she lay so close to him.
"Are you uncomfortable?" she asked as he shifted once again.
"No, I'm good."
Joey raised her eyebrows uncertainly, "Okay."
Pacey silently prayed he would get through this movie without making an utter fool of himself.
The movie came and went. If one were to ask them what happened, only from memory would they be able to relate what happened. Joey's mind wandered everywhere: from Dawson to school to Pacey, and then back again. It was as if she were torturing herself with a sick cycle of gloomy thoughts. Not that Pacey brought these kinds of thoughts to her mind. He was just there for her, and it was depressing to acknowledge that she needed him or anyone.
Pacey, on the other hand, was thinking entirely too much about Joey. In fact he tried to divert his thoughts back to his girlfriend, but struggled as he confused her face with Joey's. Staring absently at the TV, he felt guilty for feeling something he knew he shouldn't—on so many levels. Yet, he couldn't break away form it. He had developed an addiction to torturing himself with this girl.
As the final credits rolled down the television screen, Joey commented, "We should've watched Fugitive because this movie is an official failure." She rested her head on her elbows, laying flat on the bed's surface. "I mean, who would honestly believe those two people would end up together. It's crap."
"Tell me what you really think."
"Why moviemakers pour complete drivel into our brains as if we're so simple-minded that we'd actually buy into it? Answer me that."
Pacey watched Joey with an urge to provoke, so she would turn and face him. "Hmmm. I recall a time long ago when you preferred this movie above all others."
That did it. Joey was up on her elbows, ready to respond. "Yeah, try when I was too ignorant to think for myself—
"—Right. As opposed to now—
"—Which is exactly the type of people they prey on. They seduce us into believing they care about us and—people should be more responsible and be honest with each other."
Confused, Pacey looked around the room. "We are still talking about a movie, right?"
Joey sighed and laid her head back down in the bed, facing away from Pacey. He continued, "Joey, you and I both know this is not about a movie. I'm not going to force you into talking about anything you don't want to…but you can. You're obviously going through something right now, so if you need to talk or anything…you can talk to me."
"You're going to think I'm the devil incarnate, but does Shannon make you sick?" She sat up on her elbows and faced him, serious as ever. "I know that's a pretty juvenile remark, but doesn't she literally make you want to vomit?"
"Wow, Jo. I knew you were upset, but personal jabs. Cut the girl some slack."
She looked up at him, her face somber as she quietly laughed at herself, before letting a tear slide down her cheek.
"I'm just…lost." Pacey gently wiped away another tear. "You're not lost, Jo." She nodded slowly, acknowledging the truth of her statement. "Just when I think I know what I want…where I'm going with my life: college, a master's maybe…I come home and find Dawson—getting married of all things. And all of the sudden, I can't find my way back to that place. The place where everything fits."
Pacey couldn't resist wiping away another tear before responding, "You may feel lost now, but you're not. You're the only person I've known who is so resolute about life." She looked at him calmly. "I don't know." Her eyes watered as she went on, "I'm so confused. This entire—thing, I never even saw it coming. I can see the signs now. How he talked about her, the things he would tell me. But I chose to disregard all of it."
"You didn't want to see it. That's not so crazy." More tears spilled as Pacey slowly touched her soft hair in consolation. "No, it's not sane or healthy or…" Pacey sat up and gently pulled Joey to him. He drew her close into a comforting embrace. Joey buried her face in Pacey's chest and let the persistent tears escape.
After her tears subsided, she sagged onto the bed once again.
"I never really meant what I said. About Shannon."
"I know."
"Talking about Dawson getting married, and Shannon—it just makes everything so real. It forces me out of denial, a blissful place I prefer to dwell…and then I have to ask myself: am I holding onto Dawson because I still love him…or am I holding onto him because he's safe?" Joey looked up at Pacey. "And I'm afraid of my answer."
Pacey slumped next to her on the bed. He looked down at his fidgeting hands and simply replied, "Me, too."
Pacey walked out of Joey's room in the early hours of the next morning. His back ached form falling asleep in the chair next to her bed, but he took it all in stride. Leaving her alone had been out of the question.
