Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Link and a Bunch of Authors
By Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER ELEVEN: RANSACK ON THE RANDOMNESS TEMPLE! -or- THE REALLY, REALLY RANDOM CHAPTER!
Disclaimer: GG does not own Zelda, Link, Little Link, and all related characters and places. GG DOES own the character of Doseki, herself, and the seven extra temples. All other authors own themselves. All authors that appear in cameo roles are put there with the utmost respect, and insult is not intended.
Hey everyone, it's me, LL again. Last week, Link, Yumi and I arrived at Lake Hylia, where we began the search for the next temple. We met Sheik and Princess Ruto of the Zoras, and also a mysterious girl named Umi, who was actually Sailor Zel, the author. Just before the end of the chapter, a freak tidal wave struck the lakeshore, and Zel disappeared beneath the waves...
"Oh no!" I wailed. "Poor Zel... she drowned like a Goron..."
"No, no, there has to be some explanation for this!" Link said, shaking his head.
"She sunk like a rock in the lake!" I wailed some more.
"Stop it," Link said crossly.
Yumi picked up the headband and wrung it out. "I hope she's OK..."
"She died like disco!" I wailed again.
"Will you stop it?" Link shouted. "Be optimistic!"
We stood there staring at the headband in Yumi's hands for a while, and then I finally said something.
"Ya know..." I said, "I bet you a million Rupees that Sailor Zel is the next Author Sage."
"Why do you say that?" asked Link with a smug smile.
"Well think about it. Before every temple, one of the brainwashed authors gets in some sort of trouble. And AFTER every temple, they turn out to be a Sage. Jeez Link, and you call me stupid."
"That's only been for three temples Dosek, it could still be someone else..."
"Quit that stupid grinning of yours!" Yumi shouted angrily. "UMI IS GONE! PERHAPS DEAD!"
"She's not dead," I said. "Er, at least, I hope not."
The sun was just beginning to set, and the moon was starting to rise in the east.
"So, when the moon is directly over the pillars, we'll race over and play the Rhapsody of Randomness." Link suggested, "Open the temple, go in, risk our lives, and rescue the Sage."
"Right. Zel." I said.
"Maybe not." Link corrected.
"I don't think so."
"I do."
"SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!" Yumi yelled. "You two dopes have been at it since... since... AGH, since the Innocence Temple when I've been with you, and probably a long time before that!"
"Sorry," I said quietly.
"Sorry..." Link echoed.
That guy... I had never known he was so disagreeable! (Another GG Word.)
"Only one thing to do," Link said. "Wait until the moon is in alignment."
"This may take a while," I sighed.
"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream..."
"If I were a rich man! Ayba dayba dayba dayba dayba dayba da!"
"You put your left foot in!"
"You put your left foot out!"
"You put your left foot in!"
"And you shake it all about!"
"And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders!"
"HELP!"
"I need somebody!"
"HELP!"
"Not just anybody!"
"HELP!"
"You know I need someone!"
"HEEEEEELP!"
The moon was moving higher and higher in the sky as Link, Yumi, and I wandered about the lakeshore, singing old show tunes and Beatles songs. Finally, it was getting close!
"Come on, stand right here!" Link called to me from the pillars.
I stood near him in the center, and he watched the moon some more.
"All right... it's almost there..."
Yumi gazed up into the sky. "I'll tell you when it's in the right spot... Ready?"
"Ready," I said, lifting my little drum into place.
"Ready," Link said, taking out his Ocarina.
Yumi counted quietly, and then yelled, "OK! PLAY THE SONG!"
We quickly played the Rhapsody of Randomness, and by the time we were finished, the moon was already out of alignment with the pillars.
"Is it... too late?" I asked quietly.
"Hope not," Link said. "If it is, we have to wait another day..."
"I can't stand to be at this boring lake one more second!" I wailed.
Suddenly, as usual, there was a soft rumbling, and a small vertical tunnel of bricks rose out of the ground directly behind the pillars. It looked a bit like the entrance to the Fire Temple...
When the rumbling had stopped, we saw the gold-colored vertical tunnel had a ladder leading down to the Randomness Temple.
"Oh man, not another ladder!" I moaned.
Link hopped on the ladder, and began to climb down. "If you see another way, please do it."
"OK," I said.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Goron me took a few steps back, rolled up in a ball, and rolled right off the edge of the brick!
"AGGGH!" Link screamed as I hurtled past him on my way to the bottom of the hole.
BANG!
"Owww... that hurt..." I groaned, unrolling.
Yumi zipped down after me. "Oh man! That looked painful. Are you OK?"
"Just peachy," I mumbled.
Link reached the bottom a few seconds later. "You're crazy!" he yelled. "For someone who is afraid of heights, you certainly took that one pretty quick!"
"I'm not afraid of heights anymore," I said. "Just ladders."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Once I returned into my body with the weapons on it, we were ready to go.
"OK, just gotta open this door here," Link said.
There was a gold-colored brick stone door blocking the hallway. On it was inscribed the notes of the Rhapsody of Randomness.
"Well, I think we know what to do here," Yumi said.
"We certainly do," I replied.
Link and I played the song, and the door came clunking open.
We had just walked through the door, when we heard a slam!
Spinning back around, Link gasped to see that the vertical brick tunnel had been sealed up with a heavy metal door!
"We're trapped!" Yumi cried.
"OH MAN! WE'RE TRAPPED! I CAN SENSE THE OXYGEN SLOWLY BEING USED UP!" I wailed.
"Get a hold of yourself, man!" Link said, borrowing my advice to him earlier. "Don't worry, we'll be fine."
"What if we suffocate to death?" I shot back.
"There's a breeze in this next tunnel. There must be some air coming in." Link explained.
Further down the hallway, which was empty save for a bright glowing green pad on the floor, we could faintly see another door.
"All right, now I take it we open THIS door too, and then the action starts up." Link said.
"One question." I replied. "How do we open it?"
"Look!" Yumi shrieked. "There's an inscription on the door!"
"What does it say?" Link asked quickly.
"Read for yourself!" Yumi retorted. We turned to the door, which read this:
Y P Y L F I
Y P Y L F O
Y P Y L F I
A Y S I A A
Y D T H P A Y T Y A
T W I A A
"What is it?" I asked, genuinely confused.
"Yip yil fye... yip yil fo... yip yil fye... eye sia ay?" Link muttered. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"There's more," I pointed out.
Y P Y R F I
Y P Y R F O
Y P Y R F I
A Y S I A A
Y D T H P A Y T Y A
T W I A A
"OK, now I'm confused." Link said, scratching his head.
Yumi flashed and pointed to the floor. "I wanna know what this bright green glowing pad we're standing on has to do with anything."
"Hmmm..." I mumbled.
Yumi scratched her head. "Maybe... maybe it stands for something!"
Link smiled. "I can figure this out... hmmm... 'Young player young love fight it..."
"That doesn't make sense!" I whined. I began to think of things that began with those letters...
"All young sisters is are at..." Link continued.
Finally, I hit the idea jackpot. I started thinking about those songs we were singing just before we entered the temple...
"You put your left foot in," I began to sing, "You put your left foot out, you put your left foot in, and you shake it all about!"
Link shook his head. "This is no time for a song, Doseki."
"No!" I cried. "That's what it stands for!"
"The Ancient Temple Builders did NOT invent the Hokey-Pokey!" Link groaned.
I ignored him and continued. "You do the Hokey-Pokey and you turn yourself around... that's what it's all about!"
Yumi gasped and went over the inscription again. "Oh man! Link, he's right! And the next part is..."
She took a deep breath, and started singing too. "You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about!"
Link glanced over the inscription again and again. Finally, he sighed. "All right, all right... so it makes sense. But I can't believe that they would have the first letters of the words to the Hokey-Pokey in the temple. They have to stand for something else!"
"Let's try doing the Hokey-Pokey and turning ourselves around," I suggested.
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi squealed.
Link rolled his eyes. "Fine, but just to prove that I'm right."
We did the dance steps, though we had to remind Link every once and a while that it was his OTHER right foot.
And finally, we were in the final turn.
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi squealed again.
Suddenly, the pad turned bright blue, and the door slid open very slowly.
I grinned at Link, and he shook his head.
"I still don't believe it," he said.
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi squealed once again.
We stepped into the next room, which appeared to be empty.
"Well... dead end." Link said. "There must be something we can do to get out of this room..."
"That large eye on the wall looks pretty suspicious," Yumi said, rolling her eyes.
Link took out his bow, and aimed an arrow at the eye. "Let's see what this little booger does..."
The arrow hit the eye switch, and to our surprise, the eye screamed.
"AAGGGH! YOU JERK! AGGGHHH! OWWWW!" it screamed.
I gasped and stepped away. "EVIL EYE! EVIL EYE!"
"Ow, what did you go and do that for? Now you've made me angry!" the eye bellowed.
Suddenly, we heard a clank, and the entire floor disappeared beneath us.
"AAAIEEEEEEEEE!" I heard Link scream, and I wasn't far behind him on the way down.
SPLAT!
We hit the floor seconds later. I groaned. "Ow... Stupid eye..."
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi screamed.
Link rolled his eyes, and peered around the room. Suddenly, he gasped.
"Ow, that eye certainly wasn't very nice..." I moaned.
"Doseki..."
"It didn't have to go and do that..."
"Doseki!"
"I mean really, it didn't have to be so mean..."
"DOSEKI!"
"What?"
"Shut up... stand up... and look around this room..."
I immediately stopped talking. I stood up, veeeery slowly... and I peered around...
The wide rectangular room was filled with evil... Surrounding us on all sides, were tiny men, not much taller than my Goron body, with masks over their heads, dressed up in sinister... white lab coats?
Yumi turned bright yellow. "Holy Purple Dishwashers! It's the Dentites!"
"What are the Dentites?" Link asked.
"Whatever they are, they're creepy!" I said.
"They're small, evil dentists... they have all sorts of weapons of torture which they'll use on you... they like to creep up behind you and jump on your back, and then they pull back your head and try to give you a root canal..." Yumi said.
"Gulp!" I gulped.
The Dentites began to slowly move in... brandishing their little scrape-y things and little pokers and drills and water squirters and suckers...
"How do you kill them?" Link asked quickly.
"You gotta hit them with an attack! DOIIIII!"
Suddenly, we heard a snarl, and a Dentite began to run at us from the front.
"AAGGGH!" I yelled. "I'll save us!"
I quickly pulled out the DDR Wand, and waved it around. POOF! A barrier of gray DDR pads surrounded us.
The Dentite bounced right off of the front, and hit the floor. He got up again, and looked very, very angry.
"SAY 'AHHHH!'" he growled.
"Thank goodness for that!" Link sighed.
"The pads won't stay up forever!" Yumi groaned. "We gotta think of something, before we all get our teeth drilled!"
"Weapons check," Link said. He pulled out his sword, shield, the hook-thing, and his bow. "I can use them all at once if I have to."
"Um, OK, I got this," I said. I pulled out the Energy Pen, the DDR Wand, the Little Giant, the Bushwhacker crossbow, and a little bit of lint. "Plus I have the Spiral Bracelet from the Galaxy Temple," I added.
"Why don't you guys do an attack that will surround you, and then when they come in for the kill, they'll just get killed themselves?" Yumi suggested.
Link put everything away except for a small red ball of fire inside one of the crystal things that looked sort of like the Meteo Spell from the DDR Temple. "Ready," he said.
The DDR pads began to flicker, and I panicked. "Link, I got an idea. Do you have a piece of string I could use?"
He sighed, pulled a small piece out of his pocket, and I tied the Energy Pen to the end of the Little Giant.
"Now watch this," I said.
The DDR pads all faded, and we heard one collective grunt as the Dentites all charged at once.
I kneeled down and began a horizontal sword spin, thanks to the Spiral Bracelet. As I spun, the Energy Pen fired off shots like a machine gun, knocking down Dentite after Dentite in once big circle.
Link swung his arms around, made a few weird grunting noises, and a big dome of fire surrounded him and spread out across the room, killing all the rest of the Dentites.
He sighed and tucked the crystal away, and Yumi and I looked at him angrily.
"What?"
"Why didn't you do that in the first place?" Yumi shrieked.
"I forgot I had it," he said.
A chest rose out of the floor in the center of the room, and we casually made out way over to it and opened it.
LINK AND DOSEKI FOUND THE DUNGEON MAP! THIS SHOWS YOU THE ROOMS OF THE DUNGEON. BUT THIS TEMPLE IS SO RANDOM, AS IF IT'S GOING TO HELP... HEH HEH...
Yumi pointed out a door at the far end of the room, and we casually made our way over to that one too.
We stepped through the door, and found ourselves in a narrow hallway that ended in a three-way intersection.
"Hey look, a sign!" Yumi said, pointing to it. "Right here in the left hallway!"
Link read it out loud. "'GO HERE NEXT,'" he said.
Yumi flew to the right hallway. "Hey, another sign!"
I took a look at it.
NO, GO HERE NEXT!
"It says to go this way," I said, pointing to the sign.
"There's another sign below this one," Link pointed out. We both read that one.
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. GO THIS WAY!
"Look ANOTHER sign over here!" Yumi shrieked.
We stared at that sign for a while, thoroughly confused.
WHY WOULD I LIE TO YOU? THIS IS THE WAY TO GO!
It went like that for a while. There had to be at least 20 signs on those two sign posts.
NU UH. GO THIS WAY, I TELL YOU!
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A LIAR, AL! HE'S WRONG, GO THIS WAY!
NO MORE OF A LIAR THAN YOU, BILL. THIS WAY!
HE'S ONLY TRYING TO CONFUSE YOU! GO... THIS... WAY!
NO WAY! THIS WAY!
THIS WAY!
THIS WAY!
LEFT!
RIGHT!
LEFT!
RIGHT!
GO LEFT!
NO, GO RIGHT!
SHUT UP!
YOU SHUT UP!
JERK!
BIGGER JERK!
SLAPHEAD!
IDIOT!
DOINK!
DUMBNIK!
AH, PHOOEY!
PHOOEY ON YOU!
I'M TELLING THE TRUTH! GO LEFT!
NO, RIGHT!
AGGGHHHH!
AGGGHHHH!
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'LL BOTH SHUT UP, AND YOU PICK WHAT WAY TO GO
YEAH, THAT WORKS FOR ME. RIGHT.
LEFT!
RIIIIIIIGHT!
LEEEEEEEEFT!
"My head hurts..." I moaned. "Which way do we go?"
Link shrugged. "We should probably just pick one."
"Let's go right," Yumi suggested. "The right sign had better insults."
We turned down the right hallway, which was long and twisty and went down a very, very long ways, until finally...
We reached a dead end. On the wall was a sign.
AAAHAHAHAHHAHAAA! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DWEEBS ACTUALLY BELIEVED ME! AHAHAHAHAHAA! HEH HEH HEH, YOU'RE THE DUMBNIKS HERE! AHAHAHAHHAHA! NOW YOU HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE FORK, AND GO LEFT. AND WHO EVEN KNOWS IF THAT'LL BE THE RIGHT WAY! AAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA! LOSERS!
Link looked thoroughly annoyed. He pulled out his sword and chopped down the sign. "Stupid sign. No one laughs at me and gets away with it."
"What about in GG's fan fics? And everyone else's comedy fan fics. People laugh at you all the time!" I protested.
"Naah, that's just my fan fic self. The real me isn't anybody to laugh at. Yeah, this is reality here, bub. There's nothing funny about any of this virus stuff, anyway."
Back at the fork, we took the left hallway, and another long twisty tunnel lead us to a strangely colored wall with a sign on it.
HMMPH. YOU PICKED HIM, DIDN'T YOU? STUPID DORKS. HEH HEH, WELL NOW YOU'RE HERE, IN THE RIGHT HALLWAY, THE LEFT ONE. ER, UH... NEVERMIND. OK, NOW, TO CONTINUE ON YOUR WAY, LISTEN TO ME...
THE THING THAT FLASHES AND GOES KABOOM
WILL LET YOU INTO THE NEXT ROOM
"A bomb, obviously," Link said. He placed a bomb near the wall, and then grabbed me by the collar. "Run."
We raced back up the last flight of stairs and watched the bomb blow the wall to smithereens, revealing a door around it.
"You guys, there's something not right about the room behind this door..." Yumi warned us.
"Ah, come on Yumi, let's go," Link said.
"No, Link! Yumi has never been wrong about saying there's something bad behind doors! Remember the Teletubbies in the Galaxy Temple?"
Link sighed. "Oh fine, we'll grab some weapons first, and then we'll go into the next room."
I unattached the Energy Pen from the Little Giant, and got it(the Little Giant, that is) into attack position.
Link prepared to open the door. "All right, ready? 1... 2...3!"
He flung the door open, and revealed a large room filled with at least 50 Dentites, all grinning evilly and holding spinning drills.
Yumi snickered smugly, and Link and I both screamed bloody murder.
"CHAAAAAARGE!" one Dentite called, and they all began marching towards us.
"AGGGH! Link, do something!" I cried.
"There are too many! Uh... uh... HERE! Use this!" he said, yanking my leather bag off of Doseki's belt. He pulled out the dark green DDR medallion.
"Why not?" I said. I threw the medallion on the floor, and dark green light spilled out of it and up towards the ceiling.
Jigglypuff came into view. It appeared he was typing something on the computer.
"JIGGLYPUFF!" Link and I cried out.
He spun around. "Yikes! Hey guys, what's shakin'?"
Yumi pointed to me. "Doseki is!"
Jigglypuff took one look at the army of dentists, and sighed. "Dentists... why dentists? All right, I know what to do! Hang on, guys!"
Jigglypuff began to quickly click through the screens on his computer, and he clicked on a small icon.
More dark green light appeared in the room, and suddenly, a familiar song began to pump out of the medallion.
"Dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub! I don't need your love, hey! Dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub! Dub-I-dub-I-dub-I yeah, yeah!" the high-pitched singer belted out.
Suddenly, the Dentites all began to slow down. Then they started shaking their butts. Then, one by one, they all started to bust a move, rolling around, jumping up and down, and generally shaking their groove things.
And lucky for us, one by one, they started to fall down, exhausted from the dreaded "Too-Much-DDR" syndrome.
And by the time the song ended, the room was empty.
I let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness!"
Jigglypuff sighed too. "That was close... glad to be of some service to you guys!"
"Thanks a ton," Link said.
Yumi turned yellow again. "You guys..."
"What?" I asked her.
"Look at that big glowing orb over there!" she gasped.
Sure enough, there was a big glowing orb on the other side of the room where the Dentites had all been.
Suddenly, it began to glow some more. And... BANG!
50 more Dentites hopped out of the orb, and one of them screamed, "CHAAAARGE!"
And they all started marching towards us.
"IT'S TIME FOR YOUR SIX-MONTH CHECK UP!" one of the Dentites yelled to us.
"AGGGGHHHH!" screamed Link and I.
Jigglypuff began to panic. "No worry, no worry, I'll just play the song aga-"
We heard a beeping noise, and Jigglypuff screamed. "NOOO! NOT AN ILLEGAL OPERATION! Escape, ESCAPE! AAAGGGH! MY COMPUTER IS RESTARTING!"
No computer meant no DDR midis!
"OH SH... EIKAH!" Link cried. "We're doomed!"
"No we're not!" Yumi said, tugging on the pullstrings of the medallion bag.
I opened it up, and pulled out the Galaxy Medallion.
"Come on GG, please don't be at school!" I pleaded.
I tossed the medallion on the floor, and blue light shot out of it. GG appeared in it seconds later, also in front of her computer.
But... she wasn't typing... she was listening to one of her self-called "Groovy Midi Files', and she was standing, and shaking her butt, and attempting to sing...
"DOOT DOO DOO DOO... RINBU REVOLUTION!" she sang.
I turned bright red. "Um, GG?"
The midi song shut off, and GG turned around very, VEEEERY slowly. She saw Link, Yumi, Jigglypuff and me all watching her. We all had our eyebrows raised. "Uh... hee hee hee, hi?" she said quietly.
"Wow GG, you really need to work on your dancing skills," Jigglypuff said.
"Oh... HUSH UP! What do you guys- WHOA!" GG had noticed the army of dentists marching slowly towards us.
"We need help!" Link said. "And we need it FAST!"
GG began to pace back and forth... "Um... um... I... er... AHA! OK, try this on for size!" she said. She pulled out her Galaxy Wand, pointed it at the army of evil dentists, and screamed, "Spiral Galaxy Illusion!"
A huge, sparkly, swirling galaxy shot out of the medallion, and stormed across the room, wiping out every last Dentite.
The room was once again quiet.
JP, GG, and the three of us sighed.
"Phew..." GG said. "I didn't think I could pull that off..."
"Good one, GG," JP commented.
"Thanks," she said. "Oh yeah, when are you going to send me that 'So Many Men' midi?"
"If you're going to dance like that to it, I'm not going to," he chuckled.
She laughed too. "Well, some people just don't appreciate good dancing."
"No offense GG, but my dad almost dances better than you," I giggled.
She smirked. "Thank you, Doseki."
"YOU GUYS!" Yumi screamed. "MORE!"
We spun back around. And guess what was now filling up the room, thanks to the green orb.
GG and Jigglypuff freaked out, and Link, Yumi and I REALLY freaked out.
"I'll take care of them!" GG said. "OK, now... Spiral Gal-"
Suddenly, she stopped. "AAGGH!" She stared at her wand and began bashing it against the desk. "'SERVICE CRYSTAL SOON'? 'SERVICE CRYSTAL SOON'? AAGGGH!"
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DOOOOO?" I wailed. "GG's wand is broken! Jigglypuff's computer is messed up! WE ARE DOOMED!"
"Calm down, calm down!" Yumi said loudly. "Let's just get over to that orb and destroy it, so no more Dentites can come out of it!"
"How do you propose to do that?" Link screamed.
"I know!" I said. "This may be painful, but I KNOW!"
I grabbed the Innocence Medallion. "HERE I GO!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Everyone follow me!" I said, pointing at the evil dentist army.
Link picked up the two medallions, which were still on, and Yumi followed close behind.
"Here I come, you nasty dentists!" I curled up into a ball, and started to roll.
BANG! WHOMP! POW!
Dentite after Dentite dropped over as I crashed into them, and finally, when I saw the green glow of the orb getting very close, I stopped and sat up.
Link and Yumi hurriedly ran through the path of fallen dentists before the other Dentites could fill it up again, and then they dropped GG and Jigglypuff (Er, their medallions, that is) back on the floor.
"BREAK IT! KILL IT!" Yumi screamed.
Link began to whack away at the big orb, but it didn't seem to be working. Meanwhile, the remaining 33 Dentites were still coming...
"What do we do?" I wailed. "They'll get here before Link destroys that thing!"
"Call Chica!" GG and Jigglypuff echoed at the same time. "Call Chica!"
I tossed Chica's lime green medallion to the floor, and Chica appeared in its light. She was also in her computer chair, but she was reading a long poem she had written.
"Oh hi guys," she said cheerfully. "How are you?"
"Not so good," I mumbled. I pointed to Link, becoming very angry at the orb, and at the army of approaching Dentites.
She gasped. "Uh oh... what have you tried?"
"I tried to dance them to death," Jigglypuff said.
"I tried to wipe them out with an attack," GG added. "But they came back!"
"Quick, Chica! What stops a dentist?" Yumi wailed.
Chica thought for a moment, and then snapped her fingers. "I got it!" she said.
"Hurry!" Yumi shrieked.
Chica leaned over towards GG's medallion, and whispered something into it. GG cracked up, and then she whispered something to Jigglypuff. He smiled and rolled his eyes.
Finally, Chica turned to face the army of dentists, assumed the "Hollerin' Position" (head back, mouth open, hands on both sides of your mouth) and screamed, "ALL RIGHT YOU DENTITES! COME AND GET THEM IF YOU REALLY WANT TO! AFTER ALL, THEY DON'T HAVE ANY DENTAL INSURANCE!"
I raised an eyebrow. "You guys, how is that going to help?"
Suddenly, all of the Dentites made one collective gasp. They looked frightened, and began to shake in their little medical masks. They took three steps backwards, and screamed bloody murder. Then, they all choked and fell over, dead.
As soon as each Dentite was down, the orb mysteriously turned blue, and Link gave it a big whack with the Master Sword.
BANG! It shattered into a million, bajillion pieces!
"All right!" Link shouted.
"BOOOYAH! IN YOUR FACE, SPACE COYOTES!" Yumi howled.
I sighed. "Phew! But hey, Chica, I don't get it... What scared the dentists so bad that they died?"
Chica laughed and said, "A good doctor- or dentist for that matter never works on someone with no insurance."
"Ah." I said. "Wait, what's 'insurance'?"
"I'll tell you later, it's really boring," GG said.
"Well, thanks a ton, you three," Link said, slipping the sword back into its holster. "We would all have Novocaine high up the wazoo if it weren't for you."
"No problem, that's our jobs!" Jigglypuff replied.
"Certainly, anytime." GG grinned.
"If you need us, call us!" Chica said.
"See ya later!" I said cheerfully.
The three authors swept tiny bows, and then the three lights faded and the medallions turned back to normal.
"Hey look Link," I said, pointing across the room as he placed the medallions back in their bag. "A treasure chest!"
"It had better be a good reward," Link groaned.
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI RECEIVED THE MYSTICAL FAX MACHINE O' RANDOMNESS! THIS TINY, COMPACT WEAPON HAS THE AMAZING ABILITY TO SHOOT OFF PAPERS THAT GIVE DEADLY PAPERCUTS TO ANY SOFT-SKINNED ENEMY! (AS IN NO GORONS, ROCK-BODIED CREATURES, OR TURTLES.) JUST HOLD IT IN FRONT OF YOU AND PRESS THE LITTLE RED BUTTON, AND MUCH PAIN WILL BE FELT! JUST DON'T POINT IT AT YOURSELVES...
"Sweet!" I said. I held the little gray fax machine in my hands and grinned. "Just wait till those dentists get a load of this!"
"Door over thatta way," Yumi said, pointing to the immediate left of the spot where the evil Dentite-making orb had been.
Just past that door, inside a short, narrow hallway, we could hear a whooshing noise.
"Oh man, that reminds me..." I whined. "Where's the little Gorons room?"
"Didn't I tell you to go before we entered the temple?" Link groaned.
"No, you guys... it sounds like water!" Yumi hushed.
"WATER? I HATE WATER!" I griped. "I can't swim!"
"Maybe we won't have to," Link shrugged.
"I doubt it," Yumi said.
There was a door at the end of the hallway. Having nothing better to do, we opened it.
And just my luck, in that room was a small wooden dock with a raft next to it, right over a rushing creek that led further down into the temple. The raft was made out of wood, with a little flagpole on it. The flag was lavender blue, with a big dark blue question mark on it.
"Aw, MAN!"
"Calm down, LL. We can ride that raft." Link said, attempting to reassure me in that non-reassuring way of his.
"What if I fall off?" I shot back.
Link walked up to the creek and dipped his foot in. "It's only about a foot or two- DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
That noise was Link, being swept away in the wild current to who-knows-where.
"GAAAAAAAH!" he screamed, and we could here him screaming until he disappeared from sight all the way down the canal!
"LINK!" I shrieked. "Yumi, you gotta help him!"
"ME?" she squeaked. "You're Hero #2 here, pal. I can't swim, and I can't very well pull him out when we do find him!"
"But Yumi, he's being washed away down, DOWN, DOOOOOOOOOOOWN THE RIVER PERHAPS TO SOMEWHERE WE'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!" I cried. "What do we do?"
"I guess we'll just have to take that raft and go downstream to look for him then, huh?" Yumi replied. She flew over to the dock and started tugging on the rope that bound the raft to the wooden planks. "Well come on! Aren't you going to help?"
"GULP!" I gulped. "Just a minute..."
~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~
I slowly walked over to the dock, and helped Yumi untie the rope.
"Come on, Doseki, get on!"
"But it'll go fast, and I can't swim!" I wailed.
"GET ON BEFORE I MAKE YOU GET ON!" she growled.
"Coming ma'am..."
I stepped onto the raft, and immediately fell down on my knees, grabbing onto the flagpole for dear, sweet life.
"I'll give us a push, then we're OFF!" Yumi told me. She shoved the back of the raft with all her might, and it slowly began to move.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! TOO FAST!"
"We're just starting, you big wuss."
The current gradually sped us up as we drifted down the canal towards the end of a long tunnel.
"Well, this isn't so bad," I said. "Jeez, I get scared so easily."
Yumi was sitting on my head comfortably, singing, "Floatin' down the river, sittin' on a Hershey bar, sittin' in the shade, drinking lemonade!"
I thought about that joke for a minute, and the probability of a parrot getting flushed down the toilet, when suddenly, Yumi screamed.
"HOLD ON, DOSEKI!"
"Why?"
"WATERFALL!"
"WATERFALL?"
I snapped my attention in front of us, and I saw a GIGANTIC, STEEP, 50-FOOT WATERFALL leading down to a series of twists and turns in the canal, leading to another tunnel and possibly another drop.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!" I screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!" Yumi echoed.
Yumi grabbed onto my hair, and I clutched the flagpole, as we began the drop of our lives!
"GOD SAVE MY LITTLE BROKEN BODY!" I heard Yumi shout.
"MINE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I could feel water splashing in my face and into my open, screaming mouth as we tumbled down the waterfall and landed with a tremendous splash, only to continue zipping at 100 miles an hour down the stretch of curves.
I was being flung right and left and up and down as we went over them, and I didn't even notice poor Yumi, yanking my hair for dear life. I could hear her high pitched screaming, though.
Finally, the turns were over, and we were in the second tunnel, going as fast as ever.
"WE'RE ALIVE!" Yumi wailed happily. "WE ARE ALIVE!"
"Oh SHEIKAH!" I yelled.
"WHAT?" Yumi yelled back.
"DROP!"
WHOOOOOSH!
Down the drop we went, and into a spinning helix, with water splashing all around us and a small light at the end rapidly approaching.
I began to feel sick... I was going to puke, no doubt about it...
Out of the tunnel we went, and into a long stretch of straight, level canal. The raft began to slow, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Yumi was panting, and I loosened my grip on the flagpole.
"We made it..." she gasped out.
My eyes widened, and I rubbed them. Was it an illusion, or did the canal end just 50 feet ahead of us?
"YUMI! ANOTHER DROP!" I cried.
"Oh no!"
"I don't think my stomach can take anymore of this..."
WHOOOSH!
"YAAAAAAARRRRGH!"
"YAAAAAAARRRRGH!"
The raft dropped down the drop, and sped all the way up again. Into another tunnel, thankfully this one was straight.
I began to feel very, very sick... this was like rolling down Death Mountain times a hundred and three!
"I'M GONNA HURL!" I screamed to Yumi.
"NOT ON ME! NOT ON ME!"
Isn't it funny how you could be in the biggest trouble, yet the smallest, stupidest things could bug you?
The raft continued going straight, and it shot out of yet another tunnel and onto a straight canal, but it was still going fast.
I heard Yumi gasp. "Doseki! There's something in the water up there!"
I gasped too, when I saw it was something GREEN!
"It's Link!" I cried. "He's unconscious on the side of the canal!"
"Grab him!" Yumi screamed.
"We're going too fast! What if I miss?"
"THEN WE LEAVE HIM HERE!" she cried back.
I couldn't let that happen.
I shakily let go of the flagpole with my left hand, and reached out as far as I dared.
Link was rapidly approaching. I got ready...
And the second I felt him hit my hand, I grabbed the back of his tunic and pulled him onto the raft with us.
"HOOORAY!" Yumi cheered.
"PHEW!" I sighed. Forgetting about my nauseousness for a second, I started to smack his face. "Link! Link old buddy old pal, wake up!"
He was out like a light.
Remember, we were still going, like 85 miles an hour.
I kept smacking Link. "Come on! You gotta hold onto something!"
Nope, he was out cold.
"DOSEKI! ANOTHER DROP!" Yumi wailed.
I groaned, and I think my stomach did too. Grabbing Link's tunic with one hand and the flagpole with the other, I prepared for what was hopefully the last drop.
WHOOOOSH!
I shut my eyes tight, tried not to puke, and held on tight with both hands.
Finally, the raft was going straight again and suddenly, BANG!
The raft crashed into a short wall, and Yumi, Link and I were thrown over the wall and onto solid ground at last!
Link skidded over and into another wall, and I immediately stood up, ran back over to the canal, and threw up like I had never thrown up before, even when I got the Goron Flu a few years back.
Yumi quickly joined me, resting on my finger and being sick into the canal, which continued flowing underground and probably into the lake.
Finally, it was over.
I stood up woozily, and wobbled over to the spot where we had all landed, so as not to tumble back into the canal. Then I collapsed on the ground and fainted.
"Doseki... Doseki, wake up!"
I opened my eyes. Link was standing over me. "Thank goodness! I thought you two had drowned or something!"
"Ditto," I replied. "That was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life..."
"What about beating the big Windmill Guy in the Innocence Temple?" Yumi piped up from her spot on Link's shoulder.
"Or being trapped in the Doseki body?" Link added.
"Or fighting the Teletubbies and your evil girlfriend in the Galaxy Temple?"
"or being thrown off Epona on Hyrule Field?"
"Or falling off that bridge in Gerudo Valley?"
"Or thinking you were falling off that plank in the Energy Temple?"
"Or when that big fat guy tried to cut off your arm in Clock Town?"
"Or when those blue and red discs attacked us in the DDR Temple?"
"Or the ladder at the entrance to Lake Hylia?"
"OK! OK!" I yelled. "That was one of many of the most scary things I've ever done!"
Link helped me up, and I immediately felt better.
We stepped through the next door, near the wall Link crashed into, and found ourselves in a small square room with a big treasure chest in it.
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI FOUND THE COMPASS! NOW THEY CAN SEE A BUNCH OF HIDDEN STUFF. WOW, THAT WAS SO NOT WORTH THAT TERRIFYING RIDE, WAS IT? HEY, AND THE TEMPLE IS PRACTICALLY OVER, TOO! PUH, STUPID, STUPID TEMPLE DESIGNERS!
Link angrily threw the compass into his bag. "Stupid, stupid temple guys... We almost drown and we get a stupid compass..."
Heading for the next door, we saw a small sign hung on it. It said:
THE AMAZING COLOSSAL LEGENDARY ROOM OF RANDOMNESS
FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY...
DO NOT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING DANGEROUS!
BUT THEN AGAIN... HEH HEH, ALL RIGHT. THINK ABOUT SOMETHING...
"We'd better listen to it," Yumi said.
I shrugged, and immediately thought of rice pudding.
Link nodded. "OK, I will think about something not dangerous... How about... OK, I will think of beef stew. I like beef stew."
Yumi grinned. "I'm thinking about Pixie Stix. I am so hungry for Pixie Stix..."
"We must all be hungry," I said. "I'm thinking of rice pudding!"
Link opened up the door, and we walked into a room that was amazingly... empty.
No floor, no ceiling, no walls, no nothing!
Only a small door and a flight of stairs leading up to it.
"Well... this is interesting." Link said, scratching his head.
Suddenly, the room filled with lavender-blue light. Angelic voices began to sing, and a table appeared in the center of the room.
We ran in to investigate.
On the table were three bowls. In the first, was creamy, delicious rice pudding! I had tried it once at GG's, and it was one of the only human foods I could stand! In fact, I LOVED IT! Even better, the stuff in the bowl was garnished with a selection of tasty pebbles... YUM!
In the second bowl was chunky beef stew, with vegetables. YUCK! But Link was drooling.
And in the third bowl were twenty Pixie Stix of assorted colors and flavors. Yumi squealed with joy.
Next to the table appeared three chairs, and a variety of silverware. There was a big POOF, and a full orchestra started to play relaxing dinner music.
"This is too good to be true!" Link said, his eyes wide with hunger.
I took a little taste of the rice pudding. "IT IS TRUE!" I screamed.
There was a puff of smoke, and a waiter dressed in a nice tux appeared. "Allo, I am Garcon, let me take your coats for you!"
Garcon took our bags from us, and hung them on a coat rack that appeared near the door. "And now, please enjoy your snack!"
We all sat down.
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~
I sat down as a Goron, and dug in. IT WAS DELICIOUS!
We hadn't eaten in a long time, so we took our sweet time. Soon we found ourselves licking the bowls, and Yumi was tearing apart the packages and licking the insides to get every bit of sugar.
When we had finished, Garcon appeared again. "More?"
"YES PLEASE!" all three of us yelled at the same time.
More rice pudding magically appeared. It was delicious.
Garcon appeared again after we had finished. "More?"
"Nah, I'm full..." I said, pushing the bowl away.
"Me too," Link added, pushing away his bowl.
"Me three," said Yumi. "But how about one Pixie Stick for the road?"
Garcon handed her a single Pixie Stick, and then he bowed. "Very well. It has been a pleasure serving you. Now, our mistress would like to see you."
"Your mistress?" I asked, kinda confused.
"Zel!" Yumi gasped.
"Maybe," Link shot back.
"Where is she?" I asked.
"In that door right there," Garcon said. "Oh yes, and... DIEEEEE!"
Garcon screamed evilly, and with a poof, him and the entire orchestra turned into an army of Dentites!
"YIKES!" I yelled, jumping away from the table.
The three of us gathered, and soon we were surrounded by the evil dentists from the depths of medical school heck.
"BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTER MEALS!" they all chanted wickedly.
"Oh no... I get it!" Link said. "The snack was to lull us into a false sense of security, when the Dentites were going to attack!"
"Let's teach them a lesson!" I said.
~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~
I pulled out the Mystical Fax Machine O' Randomness, and got it into position. "OK! Here I go!"
I aimed the fax machine at a Dentite, and pressed the button. A single sheet of 8 x 10 computer paper flew out, hitting the guy. He screamed in pain, and vanished!
"Do it again!" Link yelled.
I spun around slowly, firing paper and killing Dentites. More and more of them appeared out of nowhere.
"I need help!" I cried.
"OK, try this!" Link said. He grabbed the Master Sword, and lowered down on one knee. Then, the sword began to light up with blue, then red light. Finally, he spun it around, and a wave of red light wiped out half of the Dentites in the room.
"They're still coming, and the fax machine is almost out of paper!" Yumi shrieked in despair.
"OK, it's Meteo time!" Link said. Suddenly, he gasped. "CRAP! I used magic with the spin! I can't use the Meteo Spell!"
"Wait! Where's the string?" I shouted. "I can still tie the Energy Pen to the Little Giant and kill them like that!"
I quickly dug through my pockets. "Uh... uh... I don't see it..."
"WE DON'T HAVE DENTAL INSURANCE!" Link screamed desperately.
The Dentites stopped. Then one of them stepped forward holding a paper of some kind.
He handed it to Link.
"For me?" Link asked.
The Dentite nodded.
Link read over the paper and then screamed, "AAGGGH! WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?"
He dropped the paper, and I read it.
DENTAL BILL: HYRULE NATIONAL DENTIST ASSOCIATION
BILL FOR: LINK, HERO OF TIME
FOR: TOOTH WHITENING
PRICE: 1000 RUPEES
INSURANCE: HMO (HERO MEDICAL OPPORTUNITIES)
"YOU DO TOO HAVE INSURANCE!" the Dentite growled.
Link pointed to me. "He doesn't!"
The Dentites all growled, and the one who had handed him the medical bill grabbed him and prepared to throw him into the crowd, when suddenly, Yumi pulled something out of her pocket and screamed, "HEY YOU STUPID POO-HEADS! LOOK WHAT I GOT!"
It was the Pixie Stick!
She opened it up, and sprinkled a pinch of it on the Dentite who was grabbing Link. He screamed in agony and fell, dead.
The other Dentites screamed.
"AGGGGH! WE CANNOT FIGHT THE SUGAR!"
Then, they all scampered back to the edges of the room, and vanished!
Link stood up. "Thank goodness for that Pixie Stick..."
"WHAT? You mean thank goodness for ME!" Yumi protested.
"Thank you, Yumi," I sighed.
The table, the orchestra pit, everything disappeared, and we were once again in the empty white room with a door.
"They said Zel was in that door right there!" Link cried. "Let's go!"
"But the fax machine is out of paper!" I said. "What if we need it?"
Link got right to work on that. He squint his eyes, and suddenly, a package of 8 x 10 computer paper tumbled out of nowhere and into his hands.
"Thanks, Room of Randomness!" Link saluted. He handed me the paper. "Enjoy."
"OK! We can go now!" I said.
We quickly ran to the door, and entered.
We were in another room (that goes without saying...), this one had a door at the far end and had the same gold colored brick pattern as the rest of the temple.
But it was empty. There was no Zel, or anyone for that matter, to be found!
But before anyone could say anything, we heard a broad, deep laugh come from the ceiling.
There, on the ceiling, was a shadowy figure!
"THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE COMING!" the figure said. "AND I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET HERE. BUT ALAS, HERE YOU ARE... TOO BAD, THOUGH, THAT YOUR QUEST WILL END HERE... I ACTUALLY WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU WOULD MAKE IT!"
"We are gonna make it!" Yumi screamed. "You big dumb dork!"
The figure laughed again, and then it jumped down, landing on the floor.
Standing before us, was Sailor Zel! Er, DARK Sailor Zel, brainwashed by whoever the evil Demon of Randomness was...
She was in a darker version of her old sailor uniform, and she held a small wand in her left hand. And on her right hand, was the tell-tale black chain.
Yumi turned yellow, as always. "It's Dark Sailor Zel! The Evil Sailor Guardian of Randomness! She's a superheroine too, just like GG is, and she's not going to be easy..."
"What's her weak point?" Link asked quickly.
"I don't know!" Yumi shrugged.
Suddenly, we were interrupted by a wave of black energy that flew over in our general direction.
"YARRRGH! RUN!" I shrieked.
We spilt up, and ran for our lives. Wave after wave crashed into the wall, barely inches from one of us.
I passed by Link. "What do we do?" I wailed.
"Every enemy has a weak point... we just have to find it!" he shouted as he ran by.
Zel was laughing madly and throwing wave after wave at us, and every wave that missed did some heavy damage to the wall. I hated to think what it would do to us...
Passing by Yumi, she pointed to Zel's wand. "The Patented Sailor Zel Rod of Randomness! It's what she attacks with... if you hit it, maybe she'll stop attacking for a second!"
I nodded, and we separated just as another wave cracked by.
As I ran, I tried to pick the weapon for the job... The DDR Wand wasn't useful in this case... The Energy Pen would be good, but it would take a bit to aim... The Little Giant isn't gonna work... The Thought Mask wasn't going to help much...
The Bushwhacker... hey... what about the Bushwhacker Crossbow?
I loaded up an arrow, and as I ran, I plotted the best spot to attack from. I passed by Link again.
"Link, I'm gonna attack the Rod of Randomness. You attack Zel after that!"
He nodded, and pulled out the Master Sword.
I ran out in front of Zel, and made a face. "NYEH! NYEH! You'll never hit me!"
"Fool!" Zel screamed in rage. She prepared a nasty-looking beam of black stuff and fired it at me.
And then, just before it got within a few feet of me, WHOOSH!
Time slowed to almost a stop. Good ol' Spiral Bracelet!
I ducked and the beam very slowly crashed into the wall. I could see Link leaping into the air behind Zel with the sword raised over his head. All I had to do was put the Rod of Randomness out of commission.
I took aim and fired the arrow right at the Rod the second the Spiral Bracelet's power wore off.
The arrow zipped through the air and knocked the Rod out of her hands, just as I heard the BOOM from the beam she had tried to hit me with on the wall behind me.
"WHAT? HOW COULD YOU MOVE SO FAST?" Zel bellowed angrily. Suddenly, Link whacked her one good with his mighty Master Sword!
"OW!" she screamed.
Link hit the ground and immediately jumped out of the way, just as a beam smacked into the ground near him.
"My turn!" I yelled as he ran by.
"OK, check this out!" Link called back. He unpacked his bow and loaded up another of the weird blue arrows that he had used against Dark Chica. He fired, and wham! Zel was frozen in a block of ice!
"Thank you," I nodded to him, and I rushed over and started to swing on Zel with the Little Giant.
A few seconds later, the ice shattered and Zel stared evilly at me, right below her.
"TAKE THIS, YOU STUPID MORTAL!"
WHAM!
I let out a yelp as I hurtled back and smacked into the wall on the side of the room. Ow... I could barely move... that beam hurt!
"Doseki!" Link cried.
Yumi flitted over to me, crashed out on the ground. And Zel was still laughing wickedly.
"Doseki! Are you OK?"
"Does it look like I'm OK?" I snapped, sounding ruder than I had intended.
"I've figured it out!" Yumi interrupted. "Aim for her little headband-y type thing!"
"But Yumi, her real headband-y type thing is in Link's bag!" I protested.
"NO! The fake one! That little black thingy on the headband, that's how she produces her attacks!"
"With what?" I shot back, starting to sit up.
"I DON'T KNOW! A WEAPON!"
I leaped to my feet, and dodged another one of those nasty beams. Then, I took out the mighty Mystical Fax Machine O' Randomness. It was time to get even with that evil meany!
"WHAT IS THAT?" Dark Zel asked angrily.
"THIS is what I'll be using to kick your butt now!" I retorted. Then, I pressed the little red button and fired!
Sheet after sheet of deadly white 8 x 10 paper shot out of the little fax machine, and sheet after sheet of deadly white 8 x 10 sliced poor Dark Zel like she was a vegetable.
"OW! OW! OW! WHY DOES THAT HURT SO MUCH? OW! OW! I'VE GOTTEN WORSE SCARS THAN THIS! OW! OW! OWWWWWHOOOHOHOHOOOOO! STOP IT!"
I didn't stop, and the paper just kept flying. Finally, one sheet drifted upward and WHAM! Smacked Zel right on her headband-y type thing!
There was a short zap of electricity, and Zel began to scream and shake.
I took the opportunity for the final attack. "INNOCENCE MEDALLION POWER!" I screamed, and the orange-yellow light held Zel right where she was.
Finally, with a moan of pain, the headband-y thing exploded, and Zel crashed to the ground face-first.
The fax machine clicked off, and I threw it into my bag and rushed to the center where Zel had fallen.
Link took out his Master Sword and poked her with the hilt of it. "Well, she's defeated all right."
"Did I kill her?" I wailed. "I KILLED SAILOR ZEL!"
"No you didn't. But she'll be feeling those paper cuts tomorrow, let me tell you that much," Yumi shuddered.
The black chain around Zel's right wrist disintegrated and vanished. A treasure chest rose up right underneath her, and she went up with it.
Link walked over and pushed poor Zel's unconscious body off the chest.
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI GOT THE RANDOMNESS KEY! IT'S A BRASS KEY WITH A BIG QUESTION MARK ON THE END THAT WILL OPEN THE DOOR TO THE BOSS OF THE RANDOMNESS TEMPLE. COULDN'T YOU HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT?
Link sighed. "So... any second now... the boss will take her back, and..."
Suddenly, two voices echoed through the room out of nowhere.
The first was high and shrill and kind of annoying. "Well now, I see our Zel has fallen!"
The second was kind of lower but also pretty shrill. "Come to us, Child! Your mistresses be a-callin'" it chimed in.
With a poof, Zel's unconscious body disappeared into a puff of smoke!
Two wide doors opened at the back of the room, and we heard the voices continuing.
"Half-Rock, Half-Boy and Hero brave! Must defeat us for her to save!" the first voice called.
"That made no sense, you stupid fool! You rhymes are cheap and so uncool!"
"Hey, why we rhyming anyway? It's not required for our pay!"
"That very true... OK, we'll stop!"
"Fine with me. All right, you sissy-fied wimps! If you want to TRY and save your precious Sailor Zel, you'd better get your big fat butts over here and face us!"
"That's right! MUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
"MUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
"Let's move it!" Link screamed. We raced to the back of the room and through the wide doors.
"But Link," I protested. "There are two of them, and only two..."
"AHEM!" Yumi coughed.
"Uh, three of us. How are we going to defeat them?"
"We'll find out when we... AGH!"
We head entered the next room, a very tall, very wide gold-colored brick room, scattered all around which there were a series of stone blocks of different shapes and sizes. And in the back of the room stood two gigantic women, taller than Link, or me, or... heck, they were bigger than Biggoron!
They were both facing away from us, laughing kind of evilly. The first one was very, very thin, and had long wavy blonde hair that went to her waist. She was dressed in a long white coat.
The second was very, very fat. She had shorter red hair that went to her shoulders. She too, was in a white coat.
Suddenly, all the lights in the room darkened, and the double doors slammed shut behind us.
We both spun around and once we saw the door shut, we all gave a collective gulp.
"GULP!"
Two spotlights flashed from each corner of the room, one on each of the two giant women. Then, very familiar music played from nowhere.
"To rid the world of gingivitis!" the thin one said, spinning around to reveal evil black eyes and red lipstick.
"To operate till we get arthritis!" the fat one added, spinning around to reveal brown eyes and pink lipstick, with a big hairy wart on her chin.
"Oh Jeez, not the Team Rocket motto!" Yumi groaned.
"To scrape everyone's teeth so they're slick to the touch!" the thin one continued.
"We're less painful than birth labor, although not much..." the fat one said sheepishly.
"Terry!" the thin one said, striking a dramatic pose.
"Kim!" the fat one exclaimed proudly.
"Team Dentite, from above and beneath!" Terry cheered.
"Surrender now or we'll pull your teeth!" Kim added.
"TIME FOR YOUR SIX MONTH CHECK UP!" both evil guys screamed in unison, brandishing a handful of painful-looking metal instruments.
TERRY AND KIM: DENTAL HYGIENISTS OF DOOM!
"OH GREAT! MORE DENTISTS!" Link groaned.
"Oh, aren't you two SWEET?" Terry cooed.
"Sweet as honey!" Kim grinned.
"WE HATE HONEY! IT LEADS TO CAVITIES!" both of them screamed angrily.
Then, Terry with her giant drill, and Kim with her various scraping appliances both screamed in rage and ran to attack us.
"RUN!" Yumi screamed.
"I'm way ahead of you!" I screamed back from the other side of the room.
Link had shot off in the other direction, and Kim was pursuing him. Unfortunately, she was so fat, it wasn't very easy for her to run...
Terry, however, had long legs and was in great shape. She was right behind me, and I could hear the buzzing of the drill.
"NOW, NOW! THIS WON'T HURT A BIT!" she laughed maniacally.
Doseki just couldn't run fast enough. This looked like a job for LITTLE LINK!
As I ran, I grabbed the medallion and screamed out, "INNOCENCE MEDALLION RETURN!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~
I curled up into a ball and rolled as fast as I could away. I could hear Terry puffing and panting to keep up, and soon, I saw Link run by.
I quickly uncurled. "Link, take this!" I called, throwing him the Mystical Fax Machine O' Randomness.
He caught it, and saluted. "You distract them, and I'll attack!"
Yumi zipped up next to me. "Both Terry and Kim only have one real weak point! Their large, inconveniently placed earrings!"
I heard Link cussing as he scampered away. How would we ever be able to hit their earrings?
Suddenly, I felt a whoosh of hot air and smelled something really bad. I looked up when I saw the shadow looming over Yumi and me, and screamed when I saw it was Kim!
She was holding her scraping appliances and was about ready to whack Yumi and me to kingdom come, when I noticed something... Her earrings were hanging down to where I could shoot them!
Er, of course, if I had a weapon ready.
"GAAAAAH!" I shrieked. I grabbed Yumi out of the air and dove out of the way just as a giant scraper swung down to hit us.
"Come back! Dr. Kim only wants to have a little bitty peek inside your mouth! OR YOUR GUTS!" she screamed angrily.
"Hold on Yumi!" I cried. I curled up into a ball and rolled in the opposite direction. Yumi was in my left hand, and I stuck out my left arm so I wouldn't make her sick.
"AAAIEEEE!" she screamed. "HEY! I CAN WAAAAA-AAAA-AAAAA-AAAAAALK, er, FLYYY-YYYYY-YYYY-YYYYY!"
I heard Link run by us in the opposite direction somewhere near the door. "LL!" he cried, "Distract them! Hold one of them still and I'll attack!"
I unrolled and stood up. Both evil hygienists were heading right towards me, Terry on the right, Kim on the left.
I covered my eyes with my hands and started to shake in fear. "Please! Don't... kill... me!" I begged.
"Aw, is da widdle Gowon afwaid of da dentist?" Terry cooed.
"Don't be afwaid, widdle Gowon... it'll onwy hurt for a minute!" Kim chuckled evilly.
Both hygienists lifted a foot up into the air, preparing to squash me flat, when suddenly, I heard a mechanical SPROING!
And three sheets of white 8 x 10 paper flew out from behind one of the blocks and hit Kim in her earrings!
"OW!" she shrieked. "I just put these in yesterday! Little punk is going to pay!"
Kim turned around and started to run after Link.
Terry turned her attention away from me and pointed Link out to her partner. "There he is, Kim! Right there!"
Then she turned around, only to notice me rolling away from her at top speed.
"Hey! Come back! You haven't felt pain yet!" Terry shrieked.
I could hear her gargantuan footsteps behind me... I just rolled and rolled and Yumi screamed and whined to be let go.
I saw Link dart out from behind a block and Kim's gigantic butt following him, so I stopped again.
Terry caught up with me, panting and gasping, and she pulled out her drill. "Let's see what a pneumatic drill would do to something with as thick skin as yours, little Goron..."
Just as Terry was about to drill me off the face of the Earth, another SPROING! Was heard and another "OWWWW!" was heard right after that.
BANG! I was off like a shot.
Kim and Terry continued the wild goose chase straight out of a Sylvester and Tweety cartoon, when finally, one more SPROING was heard.
And this time, four sheets flew out, each one hitting one of the hygienists in their delicate earrings.
"AAAAGGGGHHHHH!" howled Terry.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEE!" moaned Kim.
Link raced over to join Yumi and me at the center of the room.
"OH NO! KIM, WE HAVE LET OUT MASTER DOWN!" Terry shrieked.
"WE HAVE LOST AGAINST THE WIMPS!" Kim wailed.
"Hey! We're not wimps!" Yumi shot back.
"WE'RE... WE'RE... FIRED!" Terry cried.
"YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS..." Kim stammered.
Suddenly, the long white lab coats and dental instruments disappeared. Now, Terry and Kim were clothed in messy blue dresses with white aprons, and a red bandana in each of their hair.
"NOW WE'RE..." Terry began.
"TERRY AND KIM! JANITORS OF FAILURE!" they both wailed.
And with a big POOF! Both evil dentists- er, janitors vanished into thin air!
"All right! We did it, my little Goron buddy!" Link cheered.
"What? What did you call me?" I gasped.
"Huh? Oh, nothing."
"You called me your little Goron buddy, DIDN'T you, Link?" I grinned.
"No, I didn't."
"Yes you did, I heard you!"
"That's not what I said."
"Admit it Link, you like me! You really like me!"
"Hey, hey, I don't know about REALLY like you, but I like you. Isn't that enough?"
"No, no, no, you definitely consider me your best friend. LL AND LINK! BEST BUDDIES FOREVER!"
"I never said that!"
"But it's true, isn't it?"
"No!"
"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP! WHAT DID I TELL YOU AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS DUNGEON?"
"Yes, Yumi..."
"Yes, Yumi..."
The two of us, led by Yumi, slunk over to the blue warp portal and stepped inside.
Just as we dropped into the Chamber of Sages, three familiar lights appeared on the platform. GG, Chica, and Jigglypuff all appeared in the room.
"Hi guys," Chica grinned.
"Another temple over with, huh?" Jigglypuff nodded.
"I knew you could do it!" GG smiled.
**FIRST OFF, I WANT TO APOLIGIZE TO YOU TWO. I HAD NO IDEA THIS TEMPLE WOULD BE THAT... UH... RANDOM.**
"You had better!" Link snapped. "If it's not dentists, it's really long raft rides, or the Hokey Pokey, or... AAGH! I don't even remember half of it!"
**HEY PAL, WATCH IT! DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME!**
"Sorry," he said sheepishly.
"Thanks, Destiny!" I smiled.
**AW, YOU'RE CUTE, LL. AHEM! WELL, YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.**
"We certainly do," GG, Chica, Link, Yumi and I all said at once.
"I don't!" Jigglypuff shrugged.
**YOU'RE HERE TO WELCOME THE FOURTH AUTHOR SAGE.**
"Oh yeah," he nodded. "Sorry, I'm the new guy."
**NOT ANYMORE! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GORONS AND FAIRIES! PLEASE WELCOME THE FOURTH AUTHOR SAGE... SAILOR ZEL, THE SAGE OF RANDOMNESS!**
"I TOLD YOU!" I said to Link.
He shrugged. "OK, so you told me."
A lavender-blue light popped up next to Jigglypuff and another strange white medallion. And seconds later, Sailor Zel, back to her normal, nice self appeared.
"Hi guys!" she grinned. "Wow, I'm really sorry about all that... I had no idea Randomness could be that... uh, Random."
"No problem, just doing my... um, OUR job." Link murmured.
"Well, thanks a bunch for un-evilifying me. That stinks, being evil... and almost drowning too!"
"You have no idea," Yumi and I groaned.
"... oh, the raft... Sorry about that, too. I'll pay for all emotional damage caused by that raft section, just send a letter describing your ailment to 'Society of Randomness Emotional Injuries C/O Sailor Zel, 10-'"
"No, no, it's OK, we're all just fine!" Yumi smiled.
Sailor Zel raised her eyebrows and leaned over to Jigglypuff. "Uh... does anyone else notice that there's something wrong with Prin- Oh wait! Never mind, I remember now!"
Jigglypuff nodded, and Yumi rolled her eyes. "I'd like to know why everyone always says that when they see me!"
The authors, Link and I all looked away sheepishly.
Zel sat there for a minute. "Oh yeah... As a reward for your brave attempt to solve the puzzles of randomness, I present you with this medallion, sanctifying my rescue and your completion of Temple No. 4, the Randomness Temple Address 12345 Zora Pillar Avenue, Lake Hylia, Hyrule, 678910."
Zel threw her hands up in the air, and a lavender-blue medallion with a big question mark symbol on it fell from the ceiling.
Link reached up to catch it, but I thought fast.
"Hey Link, isn't that Ruto over there in the other Sage circle?"
"WHERE?"
LL/DOSEKI (WITH MINOR HELP FROM LINK... HEH HEH) GOT THE RANDOMNESS MEDALLION! SAILOR ZEL AWAKENS AS AN AUTHOR SAGE AND LETS YOU BORROW HER MEDALLION! SHOULD THE NEED EVER ARISE, YOU CAN CALL UPON ZEL AND THE POWERS OF ALL THAT IS RANDOM TO GIVE YOU A HAND. YOU KNOW HOW THAT WORKS, SO ON, SO FORTH, ETC...
"Hey wait a sec," I said. "Isn't Misty Dawn the something of Randomness?"
**SHE'S THE QUEEN OF RANDOMNESS. SAILOR ZEL IS THE GUARDIAN OF RANDOMNESS AND THE SAGE OF RANDOMNESS. AND IF YOU TWO DON'T GET GOING, MISTY DAWN WILL BE THE RUNNING GIRL FOR ALL THE REST OF HER EXISTANCE, AND THE WORLD WILL GO KABLOOEY.**
"That's right!" Sailor Zel said proudly.
"Hey Zel, wanna come play DDR?" asked Jigglypuff?
"No way! I have blisters from last time!" Chica protested.
"Um... I have a swimming pool in my temple," GG said sheepishly.
"It's a fountain." JP corrected.
"It's BIG ENOUGH to be a swimming pool!" GG retorted.
"Oh yeah? Well I have... uh... I have... uh... A big tornado!" Chica shot back.
"Why don't we go to the Mystical Room of Randomness?" Zel suggested.
"Works for me!" GG said quickly.
"Me too!" Chica added.
"Me three!" Jigglypuff nodded.
**NO OFFENSE, BUT COULD YOU THREE BE QUIET? I HAVE TO GIVE THEM THE NEXT CLUE!**
"Sorry," the Author Sages said.
"It's OK," I told them.
"What's the clue? I need to sit down for a while," Link whined.
** HERE'S YOUR NEXT CLUE:
THIS SHRINE IS HIDDEN AWAY
BENEATH THE DEAD'S KEEPER
SO COME ON, BABY
DON'T FEAR THE REAPER**
"DEAD?" I gasped. "I DON'T LIKE DEAD!"
"It's all right, LL. You'll be OK," GG said reassuringly.
"Don't worry. I'll save us," Link said, UN-reassuringly.
Yumi smacked him. "Shut up! You'll scare him!"
"Well," Link pondered. "The only place I know of that fits the descripton of 'dead's keeper' is the Kakariko-"
"KAKARIKO?" I interrupted. "That's right next to HOME! I can see my Daddy again!"
"You didn't let me finish. The Kakariko GRAVEYARD!"
"GRAVEYARD?" I gulped. "Oh no..."
"Relax," said Chica. "There's nothing that scary about graveyards."
"Yeah, you'll be fine," Jigglypuff added.
"And you can always call us for help," Zel nodded.
"And besides, LL. You've already gone to a graveyard on this adventure. Remember, that's where you found me when I was brainwashed!" GG said.
**IT'S UP TO YOU TWO... YOU HAVE THREE AND A HALF DAYS TO GO TO TWO TEMPLES AND AWAKEN TWO SAGES. CAN YOU DO IT?**
"I hope so!" I said.
"Of course," Link boasted.
**OK THEN, YUMI, TRY TO MAKE SURE THEY DON'T GET INTO TOO MUCH TROUBLE...**
"What do you think I am, a magician?" Yumi sighed.
**HEH HEH, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, YUMI. WELL OK GUYS, SEE YOU NEXT TIME!**
"See ya around, guys," Zel grinned.
"Bye," Chica waved.
"Au revoir," Jigglypuff nodded.
"Ciao," GG said, and then she winked at me. "Good luck!"
The four Author Sages vanished out of the room, and Link, Yumi and I began to rise up inside the warp portal.
As we vanished into thin air, I stared down at the two other Sage Seals. A white one, and a neon purple one.
Who could the other Sages be? And would we reach them in time?
Good questions, LL. How random can one place get? Are all dentists out to cause you pain, or is that just a few? Where's the next temple, and who is the next Sage? And we're still left in the dark about who is causing this mess, too!
Find the answers to a few of these questions in the next chapter of SOIS:
WINTER NIGHTS
-or-
KAKARIKO KRAZY-NESS
By Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER ELEVEN: RANSACK ON THE RANDOMNESS TEMPLE! -or- THE REALLY, REALLY RANDOM CHAPTER!
Disclaimer: GG does not own Zelda, Link, Little Link, and all related characters and places. GG DOES own the character of Doseki, herself, and the seven extra temples. All other authors own themselves. All authors that appear in cameo roles are put there with the utmost respect, and insult is not intended.
Hey everyone, it's me, LL again. Last week, Link, Yumi and I arrived at Lake Hylia, where we began the search for the next temple. We met Sheik and Princess Ruto of the Zoras, and also a mysterious girl named Umi, who was actually Sailor Zel, the author. Just before the end of the chapter, a freak tidal wave struck the lakeshore, and Zel disappeared beneath the waves...
"Oh no!" I wailed. "Poor Zel... she drowned like a Goron..."
"No, no, there has to be some explanation for this!" Link said, shaking his head.
"She sunk like a rock in the lake!" I wailed some more.
"Stop it," Link said crossly.
Yumi picked up the headband and wrung it out. "I hope she's OK..."
"She died like disco!" I wailed again.
"Will you stop it?" Link shouted. "Be optimistic!"
We stood there staring at the headband in Yumi's hands for a while, and then I finally said something.
"Ya know..." I said, "I bet you a million Rupees that Sailor Zel is the next Author Sage."
"Why do you say that?" asked Link with a smug smile.
"Well think about it. Before every temple, one of the brainwashed authors gets in some sort of trouble. And AFTER every temple, they turn out to be a Sage. Jeez Link, and you call me stupid."
"That's only been for three temples Dosek, it could still be someone else..."
"Quit that stupid grinning of yours!" Yumi shouted angrily. "UMI IS GONE! PERHAPS DEAD!"
"She's not dead," I said. "Er, at least, I hope not."
The sun was just beginning to set, and the moon was starting to rise in the east.
"So, when the moon is directly over the pillars, we'll race over and play the Rhapsody of Randomness." Link suggested, "Open the temple, go in, risk our lives, and rescue the Sage."
"Right. Zel." I said.
"Maybe not." Link corrected.
"I don't think so."
"I do."
"SHUT UP BOTH OF YOU!" Yumi yelled. "You two dopes have been at it since... since... AGH, since the Innocence Temple when I've been with you, and probably a long time before that!"
"Sorry," I said quietly.
"Sorry..." Link echoed.
That guy... I had never known he was so disagreeable! (Another GG Word.)
"Only one thing to do," Link said. "Wait until the moon is in alignment."
"This may take a while," I sighed.
"Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream..."
"If I were a rich man! Ayba dayba dayba dayba dayba dayba da!"
"You put your left foot in!"
"You put your left foot out!"
"You put your left foot in!"
"And you shake it all about!"
"And any time you feel the pain, Hey Jude, refrain. Don't carry the world upon your shoulders!"
"HELP!"
"I need somebody!"
"HELP!"
"Not just anybody!"
"HELP!"
"You know I need someone!"
"HEEEEEELP!"
The moon was moving higher and higher in the sky as Link, Yumi, and I wandered about the lakeshore, singing old show tunes and Beatles songs. Finally, it was getting close!
"Come on, stand right here!" Link called to me from the pillars.
I stood near him in the center, and he watched the moon some more.
"All right... it's almost there..."
Yumi gazed up into the sky. "I'll tell you when it's in the right spot... Ready?"
"Ready," I said, lifting my little drum into place.
"Ready," Link said, taking out his Ocarina.
Yumi counted quietly, and then yelled, "OK! PLAY THE SONG!"
We quickly played the Rhapsody of Randomness, and by the time we were finished, the moon was already out of alignment with the pillars.
"Is it... too late?" I asked quietly.
"Hope not," Link said. "If it is, we have to wait another day..."
"I can't stand to be at this boring lake one more second!" I wailed.
Suddenly, as usual, there was a soft rumbling, and a small vertical tunnel of bricks rose out of the ground directly behind the pillars. It looked a bit like the entrance to the Fire Temple...
When the rumbling had stopped, we saw the gold-colored vertical tunnel had a ladder leading down to the Randomness Temple.
"Oh man, not another ladder!" I moaned.
Link hopped on the ladder, and began to climb down. "If you see another way, please do it."
"OK," I said.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
The Goron me took a few steps back, rolled up in a ball, and rolled right off the edge of the brick!
"AGGGH!" Link screamed as I hurtled past him on my way to the bottom of the hole.
BANG!
"Owww... that hurt..." I groaned, unrolling.
Yumi zipped down after me. "Oh man! That looked painful. Are you OK?"
"Just peachy," I mumbled.
Link reached the bottom a few seconds later. "You're crazy!" he yelled. "For someone who is afraid of heights, you certainly took that one pretty quick!"
"I'm not afraid of heights anymore," I said. "Just ladders."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Once I returned into my body with the weapons on it, we were ready to go.
"OK, just gotta open this door here," Link said.
There was a gold-colored brick stone door blocking the hallway. On it was inscribed the notes of the Rhapsody of Randomness.
"Well, I think we know what to do here," Yumi said.
"We certainly do," I replied.
Link and I played the song, and the door came clunking open.
We had just walked through the door, when we heard a slam!
Spinning back around, Link gasped to see that the vertical brick tunnel had been sealed up with a heavy metal door!
"We're trapped!" Yumi cried.
"OH MAN! WE'RE TRAPPED! I CAN SENSE THE OXYGEN SLOWLY BEING USED UP!" I wailed.
"Get a hold of yourself, man!" Link said, borrowing my advice to him earlier. "Don't worry, we'll be fine."
"What if we suffocate to death?" I shot back.
"There's a breeze in this next tunnel. There must be some air coming in." Link explained.
Further down the hallway, which was empty save for a bright glowing green pad on the floor, we could faintly see another door.
"All right, now I take it we open THIS door too, and then the action starts up." Link said.
"One question." I replied. "How do we open it?"
"Look!" Yumi shrieked. "There's an inscription on the door!"
"What does it say?" Link asked quickly.
"Read for yourself!" Yumi retorted. We turned to the door, which read this:
Y P Y L F I
Y P Y L F O
Y P Y L F I
A Y S I A A
Y D T H P A Y T Y A
T W I A A
"What is it?" I asked, genuinely confused.
"Yip yil fye... yip yil fo... yip yil fye... eye sia ay?" Link muttered. "What is that supposed to mean?"
"There's more," I pointed out.
Y P Y R F I
Y P Y R F O
Y P Y R F I
A Y S I A A
Y D T H P A Y T Y A
T W I A A
"OK, now I'm confused." Link said, scratching his head.
Yumi flashed and pointed to the floor. "I wanna know what this bright green glowing pad we're standing on has to do with anything."
"Hmmm..." I mumbled.
Yumi scratched her head. "Maybe... maybe it stands for something!"
Link smiled. "I can figure this out... hmmm... 'Young player young love fight it..."
"That doesn't make sense!" I whined. I began to think of things that began with those letters...
"All young sisters is are at..." Link continued.
Finally, I hit the idea jackpot. I started thinking about those songs we were singing just before we entered the temple...
"You put your left foot in," I began to sing, "You put your left foot out, you put your left foot in, and you shake it all about!"
Link shook his head. "This is no time for a song, Doseki."
"No!" I cried. "That's what it stands for!"
"The Ancient Temple Builders did NOT invent the Hokey-Pokey!" Link groaned.
I ignored him and continued. "You do the Hokey-Pokey and you turn yourself around... that's what it's all about!"
Yumi gasped and went over the inscription again. "Oh man! Link, he's right! And the next part is..."
She took a deep breath, and started singing too. "You put your right foot in, you put your right foot out, you put your right foot in and you shake it all about!"
Link glanced over the inscription again and again. Finally, he sighed. "All right, all right... so it makes sense. But I can't believe that they would have the first letters of the words to the Hokey-Pokey in the temple. They have to stand for something else!"
"Let's try doing the Hokey-Pokey and turning ourselves around," I suggested.
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi squealed.
Link rolled his eyes. "Fine, but just to prove that I'm right."
We did the dance steps, though we had to remind Link every once and a while that it was his OTHER right foot.
And finally, we were in the final turn.
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi squealed again.
Suddenly, the pad turned bright blue, and the door slid open very slowly.
I grinned at Link, and he shook his head.
"I still don't believe it," he said.
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi squealed once again.
We stepped into the next room, which appeared to be empty.
"Well... dead end." Link said. "There must be something we can do to get out of this room..."
"That large eye on the wall looks pretty suspicious," Yumi said, rolling her eyes.
Link took out his bow, and aimed an arrow at the eye. "Let's see what this little booger does..."
The arrow hit the eye switch, and to our surprise, the eye screamed.
"AAGGGH! YOU JERK! AGGGHHH! OWWWW!" it screamed.
I gasped and stepped away. "EVIL EYE! EVIL EYE!"
"Ow, what did you go and do that for? Now you've made me angry!" the eye bellowed.
Suddenly, we heard a clank, and the entire floor disappeared beneath us.
"AAAIEEEEEEEEE!" I heard Link scream, and I wasn't far behind him on the way down.
SPLAT!
We hit the floor seconds later. I groaned. "Ow... Stupid eye..."
"THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT!" Yumi screamed.
Link rolled his eyes, and peered around the room. Suddenly, he gasped.
"Ow, that eye certainly wasn't very nice..." I moaned.
"Doseki..."
"It didn't have to go and do that..."
"Doseki!"
"I mean really, it didn't have to be so mean..."
"DOSEKI!"
"What?"
"Shut up... stand up... and look around this room..."
I immediately stopped talking. I stood up, veeeery slowly... and I peered around...
The wide rectangular room was filled with evil... Surrounding us on all sides, were tiny men, not much taller than my Goron body, with masks over their heads, dressed up in sinister... white lab coats?
Yumi turned bright yellow. "Holy Purple Dishwashers! It's the Dentites!"
"What are the Dentites?" Link asked.
"Whatever they are, they're creepy!" I said.
"They're small, evil dentists... they have all sorts of weapons of torture which they'll use on you... they like to creep up behind you and jump on your back, and then they pull back your head and try to give you a root canal..." Yumi said.
"Gulp!" I gulped.
The Dentites began to slowly move in... brandishing their little scrape-y things and little pokers and drills and water squirters and suckers...
"How do you kill them?" Link asked quickly.
"You gotta hit them with an attack! DOIIIII!"
Suddenly, we heard a snarl, and a Dentite began to run at us from the front.
"AAGGGH!" I yelled. "I'll save us!"
I quickly pulled out the DDR Wand, and waved it around. POOF! A barrier of gray DDR pads surrounded us.
The Dentite bounced right off of the front, and hit the floor. He got up again, and looked very, very angry.
"SAY 'AHHHH!'" he growled.
"Thank goodness for that!" Link sighed.
"The pads won't stay up forever!" Yumi groaned. "We gotta think of something, before we all get our teeth drilled!"
"Weapons check," Link said. He pulled out his sword, shield, the hook-thing, and his bow. "I can use them all at once if I have to."
"Um, OK, I got this," I said. I pulled out the Energy Pen, the DDR Wand, the Little Giant, the Bushwhacker crossbow, and a little bit of lint. "Plus I have the Spiral Bracelet from the Galaxy Temple," I added.
"Why don't you guys do an attack that will surround you, and then when they come in for the kill, they'll just get killed themselves?" Yumi suggested.
Link put everything away except for a small red ball of fire inside one of the crystal things that looked sort of like the Meteo Spell from the DDR Temple. "Ready," he said.
The DDR pads began to flicker, and I panicked. "Link, I got an idea. Do you have a piece of string I could use?"
He sighed, pulled a small piece out of his pocket, and I tied the Energy Pen to the end of the Little Giant.
"Now watch this," I said.
The DDR pads all faded, and we heard one collective grunt as the Dentites all charged at once.
I kneeled down and began a horizontal sword spin, thanks to the Spiral Bracelet. As I spun, the Energy Pen fired off shots like a machine gun, knocking down Dentite after Dentite in once big circle.
Link swung his arms around, made a few weird grunting noises, and a big dome of fire surrounded him and spread out across the room, killing all the rest of the Dentites.
He sighed and tucked the crystal away, and Yumi and I looked at him angrily.
"What?"
"Why didn't you do that in the first place?" Yumi shrieked.
"I forgot I had it," he said.
A chest rose out of the floor in the center of the room, and we casually made out way over to it and opened it.
LINK AND DOSEKI FOUND THE DUNGEON MAP! THIS SHOWS YOU THE ROOMS OF THE DUNGEON. BUT THIS TEMPLE IS SO RANDOM, AS IF IT'S GOING TO HELP... HEH HEH...
Yumi pointed out a door at the far end of the room, and we casually made our way over to that one too.
We stepped through the door, and found ourselves in a narrow hallway that ended in a three-way intersection.
"Hey look, a sign!" Yumi said, pointing to it. "Right here in the left hallway!"
Link read it out loud. "'GO HERE NEXT,'" he said.
Yumi flew to the right hallway. "Hey, another sign!"
I took a look at it.
NO, GO HERE NEXT!
"It says to go this way," I said, pointing to the sign.
"There's another sign below this one," Link pointed out. We both read that one.
HE DOESN'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT. GO THIS WAY!
"Look ANOTHER sign over here!" Yumi shrieked.
We stared at that sign for a while, thoroughly confused.
WHY WOULD I LIE TO YOU? THIS IS THE WAY TO GO!
It went like that for a while. There had to be at least 20 signs on those two sign posts.
NU UH. GO THIS WAY, I TELL YOU!
YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN A LIAR, AL! HE'S WRONG, GO THIS WAY!
NO MORE OF A LIAR THAN YOU, BILL. THIS WAY!
HE'S ONLY TRYING TO CONFUSE YOU! GO... THIS... WAY!
NO WAY! THIS WAY!
THIS WAY!
THIS WAY!
LEFT!
RIGHT!
LEFT!
RIGHT!
GO LEFT!
NO, GO RIGHT!
SHUT UP!
YOU SHUT UP!
JERK!
BIGGER JERK!
SLAPHEAD!
IDIOT!
DOINK!
DUMBNIK!
AH, PHOOEY!
PHOOEY ON YOU!
I'M TELLING THE TRUTH! GO LEFT!
NO, RIGHT!
AGGGHHHH!
AGGGHHHH!
YOU KNOW WHAT? WE'LL BOTH SHUT UP, AND YOU PICK WHAT WAY TO GO
YEAH, THAT WORKS FOR ME. RIGHT.
LEFT!
RIIIIIIIGHT!
LEEEEEEEEFT!
"My head hurts..." I moaned. "Which way do we go?"
Link shrugged. "We should probably just pick one."
"Let's go right," Yumi suggested. "The right sign had better insults."
We turned down the right hallway, which was long and twisty and went down a very, very long ways, until finally...
We reached a dead end. On the wall was a sign.
AAAHAHAHAHHAHAAA! I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU DWEEBS ACTUALLY BELIEVED ME! AHAHAHAHAHAA! HEH HEH HEH, YOU'RE THE DUMBNIKS HERE! AHAHAHAHHAHA! NOW YOU HAVE TO GO ALL THE WAY BACK TO THE FORK, AND GO LEFT. AND WHO EVEN KNOWS IF THAT'LL BE THE RIGHT WAY! AAAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAA! LOSERS!
Link looked thoroughly annoyed. He pulled out his sword and chopped down the sign. "Stupid sign. No one laughs at me and gets away with it."
"What about in GG's fan fics? And everyone else's comedy fan fics. People laugh at you all the time!" I protested.
"Naah, that's just my fan fic self. The real me isn't anybody to laugh at. Yeah, this is reality here, bub. There's nothing funny about any of this virus stuff, anyway."
Back at the fork, we took the left hallway, and another long twisty tunnel lead us to a strangely colored wall with a sign on it.
HMMPH. YOU PICKED HIM, DIDN'T YOU? STUPID DORKS. HEH HEH, WELL NOW YOU'RE HERE, IN THE RIGHT HALLWAY, THE LEFT ONE. ER, UH... NEVERMIND. OK, NOW, TO CONTINUE ON YOUR WAY, LISTEN TO ME...
THE THING THAT FLASHES AND GOES KABOOM
WILL LET YOU INTO THE NEXT ROOM
"A bomb, obviously," Link said. He placed a bomb near the wall, and then grabbed me by the collar. "Run."
We raced back up the last flight of stairs and watched the bomb blow the wall to smithereens, revealing a door around it.
"You guys, there's something not right about the room behind this door..." Yumi warned us.
"Ah, come on Yumi, let's go," Link said.
"No, Link! Yumi has never been wrong about saying there's something bad behind doors! Remember the Teletubbies in the Galaxy Temple?"
Link sighed. "Oh fine, we'll grab some weapons first, and then we'll go into the next room."
I unattached the Energy Pen from the Little Giant, and got it(the Little Giant, that is) into attack position.
Link prepared to open the door. "All right, ready? 1... 2...3!"
He flung the door open, and revealed a large room filled with at least 50 Dentites, all grinning evilly and holding spinning drills.
Yumi snickered smugly, and Link and I both screamed bloody murder.
"CHAAAAAARGE!" one Dentite called, and they all began marching towards us.
"AGGGH! Link, do something!" I cried.
"There are too many! Uh... uh... HERE! Use this!" he said, yanking my leather bag off of Doseki's belt. He pulled out the dark green DDR medallion.
"Why not?" I said. I threw the medallion on the floor, and dark green light spilled out of it and up towards the ceiling.
Jigglypuff came into view. It appeared he was typing something on the computer.
"JIGGLYPUFF!" Link and I cried out.
He spun around. "Yikes! Hey guys, what's shakin'?"
Yumi pointed to me. "Doseki is!"
Jigglypuff took one look at the army of dentists, and sighed. "Dentists... why dentists? All right, I know what to do! Hang on, guys!"
Jigglypuff began to quickly click through the screens on his computer, and he clicked on a small icon.
More dark green light appeared in the room, and suddenly, a familiar song began to pump out of the medallion.
"Dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub! I don't need your love, hey! Dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub-I-dub! Dub-I-dub-I-dub-I yeah, yeah!" the high-pitched singer belted out.
Suddenly, the Dentites all began to slow down. Then they started shaking their butts. Then, one by one, they all started to bust a move, rolling around, jumping up and down, and generally shaking their groove things.
And lucky for us, one by one, they started to fall down, exhausted from the dreaded "Too-Much-DDR" syndrome.
And by the time the song ended, the room was empty.
I let out a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness!"
Jigglypuff sighed too. "That was close... glad to be of some service to you guys!"
"Thanks a ton," Link said.
Yumi turned yellow again. "You guys..."
"What?" I asked her.
"Look at that big glowing orb over there!" she gasped.
Sure enough, there was a big glowing orb on the other side of the room where the Dentites had all been.
Suddenly, it began to glow some more. And... BANG!
50 more Dentites hopped out of the orb, and one of them screamed, "CHAAAARGE!"
And they all started marching towards us.
"IT'S TIME FOR YOUR SIX-MONTH CHECK UP!" one of the Dentites yelled to us.
"AGGGGHHHH!" screamed Link and I.
Jigglypuff began to panic. "No worry, no worry, I'll just play the song aga-"
We heard a beeping noise, and Jigglypuff screamed. "NOOO! NOT AN ILLEGAL OPERATION! Escape, ESCAPE! AAAGGGH! MY COMPUTER IS RESTARTING!"
No computer meant no DDR midis!
"OH SH... EIKAH!" Link cried. "We're doomed!"
"No we're not!" Yumi said, tugging on the pullstrings of the medallion bag.
I opened it up, and pulled out the Galaxy Medallion.
"Come on GG, please don't be at school!" I pleaded.
I tossed the medallion on the floor, and blue light shot out of it. GG appeared in it seconds later, also in front of her computer.
But... she wasn't typing... she was listening to one of her self-called "Groovy Midi Files', and she was standing, and shaking her butt, and attempting to sing...
"DOOT DOO DOO DOO... RINBU REVOLUTION!" she sang.
I turned bright red. "Um, GG?"
The midi song shut off, and GG turned around very, VEEEERY slowly. She saw Link, Yumi, Jigglypuff and me all watching her. We all had our eyebrows raised. "Uh... hee hee hee, hi?" she said quietly.
"Wow GG, you really need to work on your dancing skills," Jigglypuff said.
"Oh... HUSH UP! What do you guys- WHOA!" GG had noticed the army of dentists marching slowly towards us.
"We need help!" Link said. "And we need it FAST!"
GG began to pace back and forth... "Um... um... I... er... AHA! OK, try this on for size!" she said. She pulled out her Galaxy Wand, pointed it at the army of evil dentists, and screamed, "Spiral Galaxy Illusion!"
A huge, sparkly, swirling galaxy shot out of the medallion, and stormed across the room, wiping out every last Dentite.
The room was once again quiet.
JP, GG, and the three of us sighed.
"Phew..." GG said. "I didn't think I could pull that off..."
"Good one, GG," JP commented.
"Thanks," she said. "Oh yeah, when are you going to send me that 'So Many Men' midi?"
"If you're going to dance like that to it, I'm not going to," he chuckled.
She laughed too. "Well, some people just don't appreciate good dancing."
"No offense GG, but my dad almost dances better than you," I giggled.
She smirked. "Thank you, Doseki."
"YOU GUYS!" Yumi screamed. "MORE!"
We spun back around. And guess what was now filling up the room, thanks to the green orb.
GG and Jigglypuff freaked out, and Link, Yumi and I REALLY freaked out.
"I'll take care of them!" GG said. "OK, now... Spiral Gal-"
Suddenly, she stopped. "AAGGH!" She stared at her wand and began bashing it against the desk. "'SERVICE CRYSTAL SOON'? 'SERVICE CRYSTAL SOON'? AAGGGH!"
"WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DOOOOO?" I wailed. "GG's wand is broken! Jigglypuff's computer is messed up! WE ARE DOOMED!"
"Calm down, calm down!" Yumi said loudly. "Let's just get over to that orb and destroy it, so no more Dentites can come out of it!"
"How do you propose to do that?" Link screamed.
"I know!" I said. "This may be painful, but I KNOW!"
I grabbed the Innocence Medallion. "HERE I GO!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Everyone follow me!" I said, pointing at the evil dentist army.
Link picked up the two medallions, which were still on, and Yumi followed close behind.
"Here I come, you nasty dentists!" I curled up into a ball, and started to roll.
BANG! WHOMP! POW!
Dentite after Dentite dropped over as I crashed into them, and finally, when I saw the green glow of the orb getting very close, I stopped and sat up.
Link and Yumi hurriedly ran through the path of fallen dentists before the other Dentites could fill it up again, and then they dropped GG and Jigglypuff (Er, their medallions, that is) back on the floor.
"BREAK IT! KILL IT!" Yumi screamed.
Link began to whack away at the big orb, but it didn't seem to be working. Meanwhile, the remaining 33 Dentites were still coming...
"What do we do?" I wailed. "They'll get here before Link destroys that thing!"
"Call Chica!" GG and Jigglypuff echoed at the same time. "Call Chica!"
I tossed Chica's lime green medallion to the floor, and Chica appeared in its light. She was also in her computer chair, but she was reading a long poem she had written.
"Oh hi guys," she said cheerfully. "How are you?"
"Not so good," I mumbled. I pointed to Link, becoming very angry at the orb, and at the army of approaching Dentites.
She gasped. "Uh oh... what have you tried?"
"I tried to dance them to death," Jigglypuff said.
"I tried to wipe them out with an attack," GG added. "But they came back!"
"Quick, Chica! What stops a dentist?" Yumi wailed.
Chica thought for a moment, and then snapped her fingers. "I got it!" she said.
"Hurry!" Yumi shrieked.
Chica leaned over towards GG's medallion, and whispered something into it. GG cracked up, and then she whispered something to Jigglypuff. He smiled and rolled his eyes.
Finally, Chica turned to face the army of dentists, assumed the "Hollerin' Position" (head back, mouth open, hands on both sides of your mouth) and screamed, "ALL RIGHT YOU DENTITES! COME AND GET THEM IF YOU REALLY WANT TO! AFTER ALL, THEY DON'T HAVE ANY DENTAL INSURANCE!"
I raised an eyebrow. "You guys, how is that going to help?"
Suddenly, all of the Dentites made one collective gasp. They looked frightened, and began to shake in their little medical masks. They took three steps backwards, and screamed bloody murder. Then, they all choked and fell over, dead.
As soon as each Dentite was down, the orb mysteriously turned blue, and Link gave it a big whack with the Master Sword.
BANG! It shattered into a million, bajillion pieces!
"All right!" Link shouted.
"BOOOYAH! IN YOUR FACE, SPACE COYOTES!" Yumi howled.
I sighed. "Phew! But hey, Chica, I don't get it... What scared the dentists so bad that they died?"
Chica laughed and said, "A good doctor- or dentist for that matter never works on someone with no insurance."
"Ah." I said. "Wait, what's 'insurance'?"
"I'll tell you later, it's really boring," GG said.
"Well, thanks a ton, you three," Link said, slipping the sword back into its holster. "We would all have Novocaine high up the wazoo if it weren't for you."
"No problem, that's our jobs!" Jigglypuff replied.
"Certainly, anytime." GG grinned.
"If you need us, call us!" Chica said.
"See ya later!" I said cheerfully.
The three authors swept tiny bows, and then the three lights faded and the medallions turned back to normal.
"Hey look Link," I said, pointing across the room as he placed the medallions back in their bag. "A treasure chest!"
"It had better be a good reward," Link groaned.
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI RECEIVED THE MYSTICAL FAX MACHINE O' RANDOMNESS! THIS TINY, COMPACT WEAPON HAS THE AMAZING ABILITY TO SHOOT OFF PAPERS THAT GIVE DEADLY PAPERCUTS TO ANY SOFT-SKINNED ENEMY! (AS IN NO GORONS, ROCK-BODIED CREATURES, OR TURTLES.) JUST HOLD IT IN FRONT OF YOU AND PRESS THE LITTLE RED BUTTON, AND MUCH PAIN WILL BE FELT! JUST DON'T POINT IT AT YOURSELVES...
"Sweet!" I said. I held the little gray fax machine in my hands and grinned. "Just wait till those dentists get a load of this!"
"Door over thatta way," Yumi said, pointing to the immediate left of the spot where the evil Dentite-making orb had been.
Just past that door, inside a short, narrow hallway, we could hear a whooshing noise.
"Oh man, that reminds me..." I whined. "Where's the little Gorons room?"
"Didn't I tell you to go before we entered the temple?" Link groaned.
"No, you guys... it sounds like water!" Yumi hushed.
"WATER? I HATE WATER!" I griped. "I can't swim!"
"Maybe we won't have to," Link shrugged.
"I doubt it," Yumi said.
There was a door at the end of the hallway. Having nothing better to do, we opened it.
And just my luck, in that room was a small wooden dock with a raft next to it, right over a rushing creek that led further down into the temple. The raft was made out of wood, with a little flagpole on it. The flag was lavender blue, with a big dark blue question mark on it.
"Aw, MAN!"
"Calm down, LL. We can ride that raft." Link said, attempting to reassure me in that non-reassuring way of his.
"What if I fall off?" I shot back.
Link walked up to the creek and dipped his foot in. "It's only about a foot or two- DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!"
That noise was Link, being swept away in the wild current to who-knows-where.
"GAAAAAAAH!" he screamed, and we could here him screaming until he disappeared from sight all the way down the canal!
"LINK!" I shrieked. "Yumi, you gotta help him!"
"ME?" she squeaked. "You're Hero #2 here, pal. I can't swim, and I can't very well pull him out when we do find him!"
"But Yumi, he's being washed away down, DOWN, DOOOOOOOOOOOWN THE RIVER PERHAPS TO SOMEWHERE WE'LL NEVER SEE HIM AGAIN!" I cried. "What do we do?"
"I guess we'll just have to take that raft and go downstream to look for him then, huh?" Yumi replied. She flew over to the dock and started tugging on the rope that bound the raft to the wooden planks. "Well come on! Aren't you going to help?"
"GULP!" I gulped. "Just a minute..."
~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~
I slowly walked over to the dock, and helped Yumi untie the rope.
"Come on, Doseki, get on!"
"But it'll go fast, and I can't swim!" I wailed.
"GET ON BEFORE I MAKE YOU GET ON!" she growled.
"Coming ma'am..."
I stepped onto the raft, and immediately fell down on my knees, grabbing onto the flagpole for dear, sweet life.
"I'll give us a push, then we're OFF!" Yumi told me. She shoved the back of the raft with all her might, and it slowly began to move.
"GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! TOO FAST!"
"We're just starting, you big wuss."
The current gradually sped us up as we drifted down the canal towards the end of a long tunnel.
"Well, this isn't so bad," I said. "Jeez, I get scared so easily."
Yumi was sitting on my head comfortably, singing, "Floatin' down the river, sittin' on a Hershey bar, sittin' in the shade, drinking lemonade!"
I thought about that joke for a minute, and the probability of a parrot getting flushed down the toilet, when suddenly, Yumi screamed.
"HOLD ON, DOSEKI!"
"Why?"
"WATERFALL!"
"WATERFALL?"
I snapped my attention in front of us, and I saw a GIGANTIC, STEEP, 50-FOOT WATERFALL leading down to a series of twists and turns in the canal, leading to another tunnel and possibly another drop.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!" I screamed.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHHHHHHH!" Yumi echoed.
Yumi grabbed onto my hair, and I clutched the flagpole, as we began the drop of our lives!
"GOD SAVE MY LITTLE BROKEN BODY!" I heard Yumi shout.
"MINE TOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
I could feel water splashing in my face and into my open, screaming mouth as we tumbled down the waterfall and landed with a tremendous splash, only to continue zipping at 100 miles an hour down the stretch of curves.
I was being flung right and left and up and down as we went over them, and I didn't even notice poor Yumi, yanking my hair for dear life. I could hear her high pitched screaming, though.
Finally, the turns were over, and we were in the second tunnel, going as fast as ever.
"WE'RE ALIVE!" Yumi wailed happily. "WE ARE ALIVE!"
"Oh SHEIKAH!" I yelled.
"WHAT?" Yumi yelled back.
"DROP!"
WHOOOOOSH!
Down the drop we went, and into a spinning helix, with water splashing all around us and a small light at the end rapidly approaching.
I began to feel sick... I was going to puke, no doubt about it...
Out of the tunnel we went, and into a long stretch of straight, level canal. The raft began to slow, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Yumi was panting, and I loosened my grip on the flagpole.
"We made it..." she gasped out.
My eyes widened, and I rubbed them. Was it an illusion, or did the canal end just 50 feet ahead of us?
"YUMI! ANOTHER DROP!" I cried.
"Oh no!"
"I don't think my stomach can take anymore of this..."
WHOOOSH!
"YAAAAAAARRRRGH!"
"YAAAAAAARRRRGH!"
The raft dropped down the drop, and sped all the way up again. Into another tunnel, thankfully this one was straight.
I began to feel very, very sick... this was like rolling down Death Mountain times a hundred and three!
"I'M GONNA HURL!" I screamed to Yumi.
"NOT ON ME! NOT ON ME!"
Isn't it funny how you could be in the biggest trouble, yet the smallest, stupidest things could bug you?
The raft continued going straight, and it shot out of yet another tunnel and onto a straight canal, but it was still going fast.
I heard Yumi gasp. "Doseki! There's something in the water up there!"
I gasped too, when I saw it was something GREEN!
"It's Link!" I cried. "He's unconscious on the side of the canal!"
"Grab him!" Yumi screamed.
"We're going too fast! What if I miss?"
"THEN WE LEAVE HIM HERE!" she cried back.
I couldn't let that happen.
I shakily let go of the flagpole with my left hand, and reached out as far as I dared.
Link was rapidly approaching. I got ready...
And the second I felt him hit my hand, I grabbed the back of his tunic and pulled him onto the raft with us.
"HOOORAY!" Yumi cheered.
"PHEW!" I sighed. Forgetting about my nauseousness for a second, I started to smack his face. "Link! Link old buddy old pal, wake up!"
He was out like a light.
Remember, we were still going, like 85 miles an hour.
I kept smacking Link. "Come on! You gotta hold onto something!"
Nope, he was out cold.
"DOSEKI! ANOTHER DROP!" Yumi wailed.
I groaned, and I think my stomach did too. Grabbing Link's tunic with one hand and the flagpole with the other, I prepared for what was hopefully the last drop.
WHOOOOSH!
I shut my eyes tight, tried not to puke, and held on tight with both hands.
Finally, the raft was going straight again and suddenly, BANG!
The raft crashed into a short wall, and Yumi, Link and I were thrown over the wall and onto solid ground at last!
Link skidded over and into another wall, and I immediately stood up, ran back over to the canal, and threw up like I had never thrown up before, even when I got the Goron Flu a few years back.
Yumi quickly joined me, resting on my finger and being sick into the canal, which continued flowing underground and probably into the lake.
Finally, it was over.
I stood up woozily, and wobbled over to the spot where we had all landed, so as not to tumble back into the canal. Then I collapsed on the ground and fainted.
"Doseki... Doseki, wake up!"
I opened my eyes. Link was standing over me. "Thank goodness! I thought you two had drowned or something!"
"Ditto," I replied. "That was the scariest thing I've ever done in my life..."
"What about beating the big Windmill Guy in the Innocence Temple?" Yumi piped up from her spot on Link's shoulder.
"Or being trapped in the Doseki body?" Link added.
"Or fighting the Teletubbies and your evil girlfriend in the Galaxy Temple?"
"or being thrown off Epona on Hyrule Field?"
"Or falling off that bridge in Gerudo Valley?"
"Or thinking you were falling off that plank in the Energy Temple?"
"Or when that big fat guy tried to cut off your arm in Clock Town?"
"Or when those blue and red discs attacked us in the DDR Temple?"
"Or the ladder at the entrance to Lake Hylia?"
"OK! OK!" I yelled. "That was one of many of the most scary things I've ever done!"
Link helped me up, and I immediately felt better.
We stepped through the next door, near the wall Link crashed into, and found ourselves in a small square room with a big treasure chest in it.
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI FOUND THE COMPASS! NOW THEY CAN SEE A BUNCH OF HIDDEN STUFF. WOW, THAT WAS SO NOT WORTH THAT TERRIFYING RIDE, WAS IT? HEY, AND THE TEMPLE IS PRACTICALLY OVER, TOO! PUH, STUPID, STUPID TEMPLE DESIGNERS!
Link angrily threw the compass into his bag. "Stupid, stupid temple guys... We almost drown and we get a stupid compass..."
Heading for the next door, we saw a small sign hung on it. It said:
THE AMAZING COLOSSAL LEGENDARY ROOM OF RANDOMNESS
FOR YOUR OWN SAFETY...
DO NOT THINK ABOUT ANYTHING DANGEROUS!
BUT THEN AGAIN... HEH HEH, ALL RIGHT. THINK ABOUT SOMETHING...
"We'd better listen to it," Yumi said.
I shrugged, and immediately thought of rice pudding.
Link nodded. "OK, I will think about something not dangerous... How about... OK, I will think of beef stew. I like beef stew."
Yumi grinned. "I'm thinking about Pixie Stix. I am so hungry for Pixie Stix..."
"We must all be hungry," I said. "I'm thinking of rice pudding!"
Link opened up the door, and we walked into a room that was amazingly... empty.
No floor, no ceiling, no walls, no nothing!
Only a small door and a flight of stairs leading up to it.
"Well... this is interesting." Link said, scratching his head.
Suddenly, the room filled with lavender-blue light. Angelic voices began to sing, and a table appeared in the center of the room.
We ran in to investigate.
On the table were three bowls. In the first, was creamy, delicious rice pudding! I had tried it once at GG's, and it was one of the only human foods I could stand! In fact, I LOVED IT! Even better, the stuff in the bowl was garnished with a selection of tasty pebbles... YUM!
In the second bowl was chunky beef stew, with vegetables. YUCK! But Link was drooling.
And in the third bowl were twenty Pixie Stix of assorted colors and flavors. Yumi squealed with joy.
Next to the table appeared three chairs, and a variety of silverware. There was a big POOF, and a full orchestra started to play relaxing dinner music.
"This is too good to be true!" Link said, his eyes wide with hunger.
I took a little taste of the rice pudding. "IT IS TRUE!" I screamed.
There was a puff of smoke, and a waiter dressed in a nice tux appeared. "Allo, I am Garcon, let me take your coats for you!"
Garcon took our bags from us, and hung them on a coat rack that appeared near the door. "And now, please enjoy your snack!"
We all sat down.
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~
I sat down as a Goron, and dug in. IT WAS DELICIOUS!
We hadn't eaten in a long time, so we took our sweet time. Soon we found ourselves licking the bowls, and Yumi was tearing apart the packages and licking the insides to get every bit of sugar.
When we had finished, Garcon appeared again. "More?"
"YES PLEASE!" all three of us yelled at the same time.
More rice pudding magically appeared. It was delicious.
Garcon appeared again after we had finished. "More?"
"Nah, I'm full..." I said, pushing the bowl away.
"Me too," Link added, pushing away his bowl.
"Me three," said Yumi. "But how about one Pixie Stick for the road?"
Garcon handed her a single Pixie Stick, and then he bowed. "Very well. It has been a pleasure serving you. Now, our mistress would like to see you."
"Your mistress?" I asked, kinda confused.
"Zel!" Yumi gasped.
"Maybe," Link shot back.
"Where is she?" I asked.
"In that door right there," Garcon said. "Oh yes, and... DIEEEEE!"
Garcon screamed evilly, and with a poof, him and the entire orchestra turned into an army of Dentites!
"YIKES!" I yelled, jumping away from the table.
The three of us gathered, and soon we were surrounded by the evil dentists from the depths of medical school heck.
"BRUSH YOUR TEETH AFTER MEALS!" they all chanted wickedly.
"Oh no... I get it!" Link said. "The snack was to lull us into a false sense of security, when the Dentites were going to attack!"
"Let's teach them a lesson!" I said.
~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~
I pulled out the Mystical Fax Machine O' Randomness, and got it into position. "OK! Here I go!"
I aimed the fax machine at a Dentite, and pressed the button. A single sheet of 8 x 10 computer paper flew out, hitting the guy. He screamed in pain, and vanished!
"Do it again!" Link yelled.
I spun around slowly, firing paper and killing Dentites. More and more of them appeared out of nowhere.
"I need help!" I cried.
"OK, try this!" Link said. He grabbed the Master Sword, and lowered down on one knee. Then, the sword began to light up with blue, then red light. Finally, he spun it around, and a wave of red light wiped out half of the Dentites in the room.
"They're still coming, and the fax machine is almost out of paper!" Yumi shrieked in despair.
"OK, it's Meteo time!" Link said. Suddenly, he gasped. "CRAP! I used magic with the spin! I can't use the Meteo Spell!"
"Wait! Where's the string?" I shouted. "I can still tie the Energy Pen to the Little Giant and kill them like that!"
I quickly dug through my pockets. "Uh... uh... I don't see it..."
"WE DON'T HAVE DENTAL INSURANCE!" Link screamed desperately.
The Dentites stopped. Then one of them stepped forward holding a paper of some kind.
He handed it to Link.
"For me?" Link asked.
The Dentite nodded.
Link read over the paper and then screamed, "AAGGGH! WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?"
He dropped the paper, and I read it.
DENTAL BILL: HYRULE NATIONAL DENTIST ASSOCIATION
BILL FOR: LINK, HERO OF TIME
FOR: TOOTH WHITENING
PRICE: 1000 RUPEES
INSURANCE: HMO (HERO MEDICAL OPPORTUNITIES)
"YOU DO TOO HAVE INSURANCE!" the Dentite growled.
Link pointed to me. "He doesn't!"
The Dentites all growled, and the one who had handed him the medical bill grabbed him and prepared to throw him into the crowd, when suddenly, Yumi pulled something out of her pocket and screamed, "HEY YOU STUPID POO-HEADS! LOOK WHAT I GOT!"
It was the Pixie Stick!
She opened it up, and sprinkled a pinch of it on the Dentite who was grabbing Link. He screamed in agony and fell, dead.
The other Dentites screamed.
"AGGGGH! WE CANNOT FIGHT THE SUGAR!"
Then, they all scampered back to the edges of the room, and vanished!
Link stood up. "Thank goodness for that Pixie Stick..."
"WHAT? You mean thank goodness for ME!" Yumi protested.
"Thank you, Yumi," I sighed.
The table, the orchestra pit, everything disappeared, and we were once again in the empty white room with a door.
"They said Zel was in that door right there!" Link cried. "Let's go!"
"But the fax machine is out of paper!" I said. "What if we need it?"
Link got right to work on that. He squint his eyes, and suddenly, a package of 8 x 10 computer paper tumbled out of nowhere and into his hands.
"Thanks, Room of Randomness!" Link saluted. He handed me the paper. "Enjoy."
"OK! We can go now!" I said.
We quickly ran to the door, and entered.
We were in another room (that goes without saying...), this one had a door at the far end and had the same gold colored brick pattern as the rest of the temple.
But it was empty. There was no Zel, or anyone for that matter, to be found!
But before anyone could say anything, we heard a broad, deep laugh come from the ceiling.
There, on the ceiling, was a shadowy figure!
"THEY TOLD ME YOU WERE COMING!" the figure said. "AND I NEVER THOUGHT YOU WOULD GET HERE. BUT ALAS, HERE YOU ARE... TOO BAD, THOUGH, THAT YOUR QUEST WILL END HERE... I ACTUALLY WAS BEGINNING TO THINK YOU WOULD MAKE IT!"
"We are gonna make it!" Yumi screamed. "You big dumb dork!"
The figure laughed again, and then it jumped down, landing on the floor.
Standing before us, was Sailor Zel! Er, DARK Sailor Zel, brainwashed by whoever the evil Demon of Randomness was...
She was in a darker version of her old sailor uniform, and she held a small wand in her left hand. And on her right hand, was the tell-tale black chain.
Yumi turned yellow, as always. "It's Dark Sailor Zel! The Evil Sailor Guardian of Randomness! She's a superheroine too, just like GG is, and she's not going to be easy..."
"What's her weak point?" Link asked quickly.
"I don't know!" Yumi shrugged.
Suddenly, we were interrupted by a wave of black energy that flew over in our general direction.
"YARRRGH! RUN!" I shrieked.
We spilt up, and ran for our lives. Wave after wave crashed into the wall, barely inches from one of us.
I passed by Link. "What do we do?" I wailed.
"Every enemy has a weak point... we just have to find it!" he shouted as he ran by.
Zel was laughing madly and throwing wave after wave at us, and every wave that missed did some heavy damage to the wall. I hated to think what it would do to us...
Passing by Yumi, she pointed to Zel's wand. "The Patented Sailor Zel Rod of Randomness! It's what she attacks with... if you hit it, maybe she'll stop attacking for a second!"
I nodded, and we separated just as another wave cracked by.
As I ran, I tried to pick the weapon for the job... The DDR Wand wasn't useful in this case... The Energy Pen would be good, but it would take a bit to aim... The Little Giant isn't gonna work... The Thought Mask wasn't going to help much...
The Bushwhacker... hey... what about the Bushwhacker Crossbow?
I loaded up an arrow, and as I ran, I plotted the best spot to attack from. I passed by Link again.
"Link, I'm gonna attack the Rod of Randomness. You attack Zel after that!"
He nodded, and pulled out the Master Sword.
I ran out in front of Zel, and made a face. "NYEH! NYEH! You'll never hit me!"
"Fool!" Zel screamed in rage. She prepared a nasty-looking beam of black stuff and fired it at me.
And then, just before it got within a few feet of me, WHOOSH!
Time slowed to almost a stop. Good ol' Spiral Bracelet!
I ducked and the beam very slowly crashed into the wall. I could see Link leaping into the air behind Zel with the sword raised over his head. All I had to do was put the Rod of Randomness out of commission.
I took aim and fired the arrow right at the Rod the second the Spiral Bracelet's power wore off.
The arrow zipped through the air and knocked the Rod out of her hands, just as I heard the BOOM from the beam she had tried to hit me with on the wall behind me.
"WHAT? HOW COULD YOU MOVE SO FAST?" Zel bellowed angrily. Suddenly, Link whacked her one good with his mighty Master Sword!
"OW!" she screamed.
Link hit the ground and immediately jumped out of the way, just as a beam smacked into the ground near him.
"My turn!" I yelled as he ran by.
"OK, check this out!" Link called back. He unpacked his bow and loaded up another of the weird blue arrows that he had used against Dark Chica. He fired, and wham! Zel was frozen in a block of ice!
"Thank you," I nodded to him, and I rushed over and started to swing on Zel with the Little Giant.
A few seconds later, the ice shattered and Zel stared evilly at me, right below her.
"TAKE THIS, YOU STUPID MORTAL!"
WHAM!
I let out a yelp as I hurtled back and smacked into the wall on the side of the room. Ow... I could barely move... that beam hurt!
"Doseki!" Link cried.
Yumi flitted over to me, crashed out on the ground. And Zel was still laughing wickedly.
"Doseki! Are you OK?"
"Does it look like I'm OK?" I snapped, sounding ruder than I had intended.
"I've figured it out!" Yumi interrupted. "Aim for her little headband-y type thing!"
"But Yumi, her real headband-y type thing is in Link's bag!" I protested.
"NO! The fake one! That little black thingy on the headband, that's how she produces her attacks!"
"With what?" I shot back, starting to sit up.
"I DON'T KNOW! A WEAPON!"
I leaped to my feet, and dodged another one of those nasty beams. Then, I took out the mighty Mystical Fax Machine O' Randomness. It was time to get even with that evil meany!
"WHAT IS THAT?" Dark Zel asked angrily.
"THIS is what I'll be using to kick your butt now!" I retorted. Then, I pressed the little red button and fired!
Sheet after sheet of deadly white 8 x 10 paper shot out of the little fax machine, and sheet after sheet of deadly white 8 x 10 sliced poor Dark Zel like she was a vegetable.
"OW! OW! OW! WHY DOES THAT HURT SO MUCH? OW! OW! I'VE GOTTEN WORSE SCARS THAN THIS! OW! OW! OWWWWWHOOOHOHOHOOOOO! STOP IT!"
I didn't stop, and the paper just kept flying. Finally, one sheet drifted upward and WHAM! Smacked Zel right on her headband-y type thing!
There was a short zap of electricity, and Zel began to scream and shake.
I took the opportunity for the final attack. "INNOCENCE MEDALLION POWER!" I screamed, and the orange-yellow light held Zel right where she was.
Finally, with a moan of pain, the headband-y thing exploded, and Zel crashed to the ground face-first.
The fax machine clicked off, and I threw it into my bag and rushed to the center where Zel had fallen.
Link took out his Master Sword and poked her with the hilt of it. "Well, she's defeated all right."
"Did I kill her?" I wailed. "I KILLED SAILOR ZEL!"
"No you didn't. But she'll be feeling those paper cuts tomorrow, let me tell you that much," Yumi shuddered.
The black chain around Zel's right wrist disintegrated and vanished. A treasure chest rose up right underneath her, and she went up with it.
Link walked over and pushed poor Zel's unconscious body off the chest.
LINK AND LL/DOSEKI GOT THE RANDOMNESS KEY! IT'S A BRASS KEY WITH A BIG QUESTION MARK ON THE END THAT WILL OPEN THE DOOR TO THE BOSS OF THE RANDOMNESS TEMPLE. COULDN'T YOU HAVE FIGURED THAT OUT?
Link sighed. "So... any second now... the boss will take her back, and..."
Suddenly, two voices echoed through the room out of nowhere.
The first was high and shrill and kind of annoying. "Well now, I see our Zel has fallen!"
The second was kind of lower but also pretty shrill. "Come to us, Child! Your mistresses be a-callin'" it chimed in.
With a poof, Zel's unconscious body disappeared into a puff of smoke!
Two wide doors opened at the back of the room, and we heard the voices continuing.
"Half-Rock, Half-Boy and Hero brave! Must defeat us for her to save!" the first voice called.
"That made no sense, you stupid fool! You rhymes are cheap and so uncool!"
"Hey, why we rhyming anyway? It's not required for our pay!"
"That very true... OK, we'll stop!"
"Fine with me. All right, you sissy-fied wimps! If you want to TRY and save your precious Sailor Zel, you'd better get your big fat butts over here and face us!"
"That's right! MUAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
"MUAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
"Let's move it!" Link screamed. We raced to the back of the room and through the wide doors.
"But Link," I protested. "There are two of them, and only two..."
"AHEM!" Yumi coughed.
"Uh, three of us. How are we going to defeat them?"
"We'll find out when we... AGH!"
We head entered the next room, a very tall, very wide gold-colored brick room, scattered all around which there were a series of stone blocks of different shapes and sizes. And in the back of the room stood two gigantic women, taller than Link, or me, or... heck, they were bigger than Biggoron!
They were both facing away from us, laughing kind of evilly. The first one was very, very thin, and had long wavy blonde hair that went to her waist. She was dressed in a long white coat.
The second was very, very fat. She had shorter red hair that went to her shoulders. She too, was in a white coat.
Suddenly, all the lights in the room darkened, and the double doors slammed shut behind us.
We both spun around and once we saw the door shut, we all gave a collective gulp.
"GULP!"
Two spotlights flashed from each corner of the room, one on each of the two giant women. Then, very familiar music played from nowhere.
"To rid the world of gingivitis!" the thin one said, spinning around to reveal evil black eyes and red lipstick.
"To operate till we get arthritis!" the fat one added, spinning around to reveal brown eyes and pink lipstick, with a big hairy wart on her chin.
"Oh Jeez, not the Team Rocket motto!" Yumi groaned.
"To scrape everyone's teeth so they're slick to the touch!" the thin one continued.
"We're less painful than birth labor, although not much..." the fat one said sheepishly.
"Terry!" the thin one said, striking a dramatic pose.
"Kim!" the fat one exclaimed proudly.
"Team Dentite, from above and beneath!" Terry cheered.
"Surrender now or we'll pull your teeth!" Kim added.
"TIME FOR YOUR SIX MONTH CHECK UP!" both evil guys screamed in unison, brandishing a handful of painful-looking metal instruments.
TERRY AND KIM: DENTAL HYGIENISTS OF DOOM!
"OH GREAT! MORE DENTISTS!" Link groaned.
"Oh, aren't you two SWEET?" Terry cooed.
"Sweet as honey!" Kim grinned.
"WE HATE HONEY! IT LEADS TO CAVITIES!" both of them screamed angrily.
Then, Terry with her giant drill, and Kim with her various scraping appliances both screamed in rage and ran to attack us.
"RUN!" Yumi screamed.
"I'm way ahead of you!" I screamed back from the other side of the room.
Link had shot off in the other direction, and Kim was pursuing him. Unfortunately, she was so fat, it wasn't very easy for her to run...
Terry, however, had long legs and was in great shape. She was right behind me, and I could hear the buzzing of the drill.
"NOW, NOW! THIS WON'T HURT A BIT!" she laughed maniacally.
Doseki just couldn't run fast enough. This looked like a job for LITTLE LINK!
As I ran, I grabbed the medallion and screamed out, "INNOCENCE MEDALLION RETURN!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~
I curled up into a ball and rolled as fast as I could away. I could hear Terry puffing and panting to keep up, and soon, I saw Link run by.
I quickly uncurled. "Link, take this!" I called, throwing him the Mystical Fax Machine O' Randomness.
He caught it, and saluted. "You distract them, and I'll attack!"
Yumi zipped up next to me. "Both Terry and Kim only have one real weak point! Their large, inconveniently placed earrings!"
I heard Link cussing as he scampered away. How would we ever be able to hit their earrings?
Suddenly, I felt a whoosh of hot air and smelled something really bad. I looked up when I saw the shadow looming over Yumi and me, and screamed when I saw it was Kim!
She was holding her scraping appliances and was about ready to whack Yumi and me to kingdom come, when I noticed something... Her earrings were hanging down to where I could shoot them!
Er, of course, if I had a weapon ready.
"GAAAAAH!" I shrieked. I grabbed Yumi out of the air and dove out of the way just as a giant scraper swung down to hit us.
"Come back! Dr. Kim only wants to have a little bitty peek inside your mouth! OR YOUR GUTS!" she screamed angrily.
"Hold on Yumi!" I cried. I curled up into a ball and rolled in the opposite direction. Yumi was in my left hand, and I stuck out my left arm so I wouldn't make her sick.
"AAAIEEEE!" she screamed. "HEY! I CAN WAAAAA-AAAA-AAAAA-AAAAAALK, er, FLYYY-YYYYY-YYYY-YYYYY!"
I heard Link run by us in the opposite direction somewhere near the door. "LL!" he cried, "Distract them! Hold one of them still and I'll attack!"
I unrolled and stood up. Both evil hygienists were heading right towards me, Terry on the right, Kim on the left.
I covered my eyes with my hands and started to shake in fear. "Please! Don't... kill... me!" I begged.
"Aw, is da widdle Gowon afwaid of da dentist?" Terry cooed.
"Don't be afwaid, widdle Gowon... it'll onwy hurt for a minute!" Kim chuckled evilly.
Both hygienists lifted a foot up into the air, preparing to squash me flat, when suddenly, I heard a mechanical SPROING!
And three sheets of white 8 x 10 paper flew out from behind one of the blocks and hit Kim in her earrings!
"OW!" she shrieked. "I just put these in yesterday! Little punk is going to pay!"
Kim turned around and started to run after Link.
Terry turned her attention away from me and pointed Link out to her partner. "There he is, Kim! Right there!"
Then she turned around, only to notice me rolling away from her at top speed.
"Hey! Come back! You haven't felt pain yet!" Terry shrieked.
I could hear her gargantuan footsteps behind me... I just rolled and rolled and Yumi screamed and whined to be let go.
I saw Link dart out from behind a block and Kim's gigantic butt following him, so I stopped again.
Terry caught up with me, panting and gasping, and she pulled out her drill. "Let's see what a pneumatic drill would do to something with as thick skin as yours, little Goron..."
Just as Terry was about to drill me off the face of the Earth, another SPROING! Was heard and another "OWWWW!" was heard right after that.
BANG! I was off like a shot.
Kim and Terry continued the wild goose chase straight out of a Sylvester and Tweety cartoon, when finally, one more SPROING was heard.
And this time, four sheets flew out, each one hitting one of the hygienists in their delicate earrings.
"AAAAGGGGHHHHH!" howled Terry.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEE!" moaned Kim.
Link raced over to join Yumi and me at the center of the room.
"OH NO! KIM, WE HAVE LET OUT MASTER DOWN!" Terry shrieked.
"WE HAVE LOST AGAINST THE WIMPS!" Kim wailed.
"Hey! We're not wimps!" Yumi shot back.
"WE'RE... WE'RE... FIRED!" Terry cried.
"YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS..." Kim stammered.
Suddenly, the long white lab coats and dental instruments disappeared. Now, Terry and Kim were clothed in messy blue dresses with white aprons, and a red bandana in each of their hair.
"NOW WE'RE..." Terry began.
"TERRY AND KIM! JANITORS OF FAILURE!" they both wailed.
And with a big POOF! Both evil dentists- er, janitors vanished into thin air!
"All right! We did it, my little Goron buddy!" Link cheered.
"What? What did you call me?" I gasped.
"Huh? Oh, nothing."
"You called me your little Goron buddy, DIDN'T you, Link?" I grinned.
"No, I didn't."
"Yes you did, I heard you!"
"That's not what I said."
"Admit it Link, you like me! You really like me!"
"Hey, hey, I don't know about REALLY like you, but I like you. Isn't that enough?"
"No, no, no, you definitely consider me your best friend. LL AND LINK! BEST BUDDIES FOREVER!"
"I never said that!"
"But it's true, isn't it?"
"No!"
"BOTH OF YOU, SHUT UP! WHAT DID I TELL YOU AT THE BEGINNING OF THIS DUNGEON?"
"Yes, Yumi..."
"Yes, Yumi..."
The two of us, led by Yumi, slunk over to the blue warp portal and stepped inside.
Just as we dropped into the Chamber of Sages, three familiar lights appeared on the platform. GG, Chica, and Jigglypuff all appeared in the room.
"Hi guys," Chica grinned.
"Another temple over with, huh?" Jigglypuff nodded.
"I knew you could do it!" GG smiled.
**FIRST OFF, I WANT TO APOLIGIZE TO YOU TWO. I HAD NO IDEA THIS TEMPLE WOULD BE THAT... UH... RANDOM.**
"You had better!" Link snapped. "If it's not dentists, it's really long raft rides, or the Hokey Pokey, or... AAGH! I don't even remember half of it!"
**HEY PAL, WATCH IT! DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE OF VOICE WITH ME!**
"Sorry," he said sheepishly.
"Thanks, Destiny!" I smiled.
**AW, YOU'RE CUTE, LL. AHEM! WELL, YOU KNOW WHY YOU'RE HERE.**
"We certainly do," GG, Chica, Link, Yumi and I all said at once.
"I don't!" Jigglypuff shrugged.
**YOU'RE HERE TO WELCOME THE FOURTH AUTHOR SAGE.**
"Oh yeah," he nodded. "Sorry, I'm the new guy."
**NOT ANYMORE! LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, GORONS AND FAIRIES! PLEASE WELCOME THE FOURTH AUTHOR SAGE... SAILOR ZEL, THE SAGE OF RANDOMNESS!**
"I TOLD YOU!" I said to Link.
He shrugged. "OK, so you told me."
A lavender-blue light popped up next to Jigglypuff and another strange white medallion. And seconds later, Sailor Zel, back to her normal, nice self appeared.
"Hi guys!" she grinned. "Wow, I'm really sorry about all that... I had no idea Randomness could be that... uh, Random."
"No problem, just doing my... um, OUR job." Link murmured.
"Well, thanks a bunch for un-evilifying me. That stinks, being evil... and almost drowning too!"
"You have no idea," Yumi and I groaned.
"... oh, the raft... Sorry about that, too. I'll pay for all emotional damage caused by that raft section, just send a letter describing your ailment to 'Society of Randomness Emotional Injuries C/O Sailor Zel, 10-'"
"No, no, it's OK, we're all just fine!" Yumi smiled.
Sailor Zel raised her eyebrows and leaned over to Jigglypuff. "Uh... does anyone else notice that there's something wrong with Prin- Oh wait! Never mind, I remember now!"
Jigglypuff nodded, and Yumi rolled her eyes. "I'd like to know why everyone always says that when they see me!"
The authors, Link and I all looked away sheepishly.
Zel sat there for a minute. "Oh yeah... As a reward for your brave attempt to solve the puzzles of randomness, I present you with this medallion, sanctifying my rescue and your completion of Temple No. 4, the Randomness Temple Address 12345 Zora Pillar Avenue, Lake Hylia, Hyrule, 678910."
Zel threw her hands up in the air, and a lavender-blue medallion with a big question mark symbol on it fell from the ceiling.
Link reached up to catch it, but I thought fast.
"Hey Link, isn't that Ruto over there in the other Sage circle?"
"WHERE?"
LL/DOSEKI (WITH MINOR HELP FROM LINK... HEH HEH) GOT THE RANDOMNESS MEDALLION! SAILOR ZEL AWAKENS AS AN AUTHOR SAGE AND LETS YOU BORROW HER MEDALLION! SHOULD THE NEED EVER ARISE, YOU CAN CALL UPON ZEL AND THE POWERS OF ALL THAT IS RANDOM TO GIVE YOU A HAND. YOU KNOW HOW THAT WORKS, SO ON, SO FORTH, ETC...
"Hey wait a sec," I said. "Isn't Misty Dawn the something of Randomness?"
**SHE'S THE QUEEN OF RANDOMNESS. SAILOR ZEL IS THE GUARDIAN OF RANDOMNESS AND THE SAGE OF RANDOMNESS. AND IF YOU TWO DON'T GET GOING, MISTY DAWN WILL BE THE RUNNING GIRL FOR ALL THE REST OF HER EXISTANCE, AND THE WORLD WILL GO KABLOOEY.**
"That's right!" Sailor Zel said proudly.
"Hey Zel, wanna come play DDR?" asked Jigglypuff?
"No way! I have blisters from last time!" Chica protested.
"Um... I have a swimming pool in my temple," GG said sheepishly.
"It's a fountain." JP corrected.
"It's BIG ENOUGH to be a swimming pool!" GG retorted.
"Oh yeah? Well I have... uh... I have... uh... A big tornado!" Chica shot back.
"Why don't we go to the Mystical Room of Randomness?" Zel suggested.
"Works for me!" GG said quickly.
"Me too!" Chica added.
"Me three!" Jigglypuff nodded.
**NO OFFENSE, BUT COULD YOU THREE BE QUIET? I HAVE TO GIVE THEM THE NEXT CLUE!**
"Sorry," the Author Sages said.
"It's OK," I told them.
"What's the clue? I need to sit down for a while," Link whined.
** HERE'S YOUR NEXT CLUE:
THIS SHRINE IS HIDDEN AWAY
BENEATH THE DEAD'S KEEPER
SO COME ON, BABY
DON'T FEAR THE REAPER**
"DEAD?" I gasped. "I DON'T LIKE DEAD!"
"It's all right, LL. You'll be OK," GG said reassuringly.
"Don't worry. I'll save us," Link said, UN-reassuringly.
Yumi smacked him. "Shut up! You'll scare him!"
"Well," Link pondered. "The only place I know of that fits the descripton of 'dead's keeper' is the Kakariko-"
"KAKARIKO?" I interrupted. "That's right next to HOME! I can see my Daddy again!"
"You didn't let me finish. The Kakariko GRAVEYARD!"
"GRAVEYARD?" I gulped. "Oh no..."
"Relax," said Chica. "There's nothing that scary about graveyards."
"Yeah, you'll be fine," Jigglypuff added.
"And you can always call us for help," Zel nodded.
"And besides, LL. You've already gone to a graveyard on this adventure. Remember, that's where you found me when I was brainwashed!" GG said.
**IT'S UP TO YOU TWO... YOU HAVE THREE AND A HALF DAYS TO GO TO TWO TEMPLES AND AWAKEN TWO SAGES. CAN YOU DO IT?**
"I hope so!" I said.
"Of course," Link boasted.
**OK THEN, YUMI, TRY TO MAKE SURE THEY DON'T GET INTO TOO MUCH TROUBLE...**
"What do you think I am, a magician?" Yumi sighed.
**HEH HEH, THAT WAS A GOOD ONE, YUMI. WELL OK GUYS, SEE YOU NEXT TIME!**
"See ya around, guys," Zel grinned.
"Bye," Chica waved.
"Au revoir," Jigglypuff nodded.
"Ciao," GG said, and then she winked at me. "Good luck!"
The four Author Sages vanished out of the room, and Link, Yumi and I began to rise up inside the warp portal.
As we vanished into thin air, I stared down at the two other Sage Seals. A white one, and a neon purple one.
Who could the other Sages be? And would we reach them in time?
Good questions, LL. How random can one place get? Are all dentists out to cause you pain, or is that just a few? Where's the next temple, and who is the next Sage? And we're still left in the dark about who is causing this mess, too!
Find the answers to a few of these questions in the next chapter of SOIS:
WINTER NIGHTS
-or-
KAKARIKO KRAZY-NESS
