Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors
By Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: IT'S A MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD, MAD WOOD!

Disclaimer: Welcome to the story, everyone. All LOZ characters, names, places, and crap like that do not belong to me. The characters of Galaxy Girl, Doseki and Blue Butterfly, as well as the seven extra temples and this fan fic DO belong to me. Please ask before using them, or I'll have to pop you one. All authors mentioned within this fic appear strictly for comedy effect, and I don't have anything against any of you. I'm NOT making fun of you, I'm NOT infringing on anything, so please don't take offense at what your character may do...



Greetings, oh faithful readers! It is I, Little Link of the Gorons, here to update you on what happened last time in case you forgot. Link, Yumi, and myself entered the dark and mysterious Emotion Temple to rescue Wintyr and the two author Poes, Mister Crash and Saridaru-Chan. Inside, we found these creepy sorceresses called Shiniinoru that could control your emotions! After a rough battle with Dark Wintyr and an even rougher one with the ice witch Coeur de Glace, we hightailed it to the Chamber of Sages where Wintyr awakened as the fifth sage. ONLY ONE MORE TO GO! But that's not as easy as it sounds...


The warp portal faded just above the hill next to the windmill, and the three of us lowered slowly to the ground.
Er, two of us did, at least.
"AAAAAGGGHHHHH!" SPLAT!
"Jeez LL, slow down! You're going to kill yourself!" Link laughed.
"That's what you get for wanting to get on the ground so much," Yumi said, shaking her head.
"OW... I've had enough falling for one lifetime now, please..."

"Come on you two. We have to get to Kokiri Forest by sunrise, at least." Link said, walking down a flight of stairs to the bottom part of the village.
"Huh? But Link, can we PLEASE have a nap first?" I asked pathetically. "I'm so tired I could drop!"
"Me too!" Yumi whined.
"Sorry guys, but we just don't have the time right now!" Link said sternly. "When we get to Kokiri Forest, maybe we can all have a little nap at my house, but right now we have to get going!"
Yumi and I sighed sadly, and followed him through the town square as quietly as we could.
The moon was high overhead the sleepy village of Kakariko, and all the townspeople
as well as the psycho authors were sound asleep.
That is, except for the ones that jumped out and scared us, right about... NOW!
"Link! Little Link!" two voices shouted out at the same time.
"AAAIEEEEEEE!" I shrieked.
We spun around, and saw none other than Mister Crash and Saridaru, back in their NORMAL forms! Well uh, not really normal...they weren't Poes anymore, I should say.
"Cra- I mean, Niko and Mika! Are you guys all right?" asked Link.
"Never better!" Crash, er, Niko said happily
"You saved our butts!" Saridaru... um, Mika grinned. "Thank you SO much!"
"It was part of our job!" I said triumphantly.
"It was so nice of you two take time out of your more than likely busy schedules to kill Coeur de Glace and save us!" Niko said. "That's really great!"
"We'd like to show you our appreciation by presenting you with this!" Mika said, holding out something.
It was a brand new, bright and shiny, beautiful leather... DOG LEASH?
"Um... what's that?" asked Yumi.
"It's a dog leash. Don't you remember? Niko and Mika's Potion and Dog Leash Company?" Niko asked.
"Um... well gee, thanks guys..." Link stammered. "But we don't... have a dog."
"So use it for something else!" Mika cried.
"Yeah, that model also doubles as a sister silencer!" Niko snickered wickedly.
"Shut up!" Mika snapped.
"Neither of us have sisters, either." I said.
"Oh. Well then, I'm sure you'll find something to do with it." Niko shrugged.
We stood in awkward silence for a minute, then Mika said quickly, "So thanks again, and I'm sure you're in a hurry, so we'll leave you alone..."
"Thanks. And it's no problem," Link said.
"For all your dog leash and potion needs, call Niko and Mika's Potion and Dog Leash Company!" Niko grinned.
"Hey wait a sec! Since when is it NIKO and MIKA? I thought it was MIKA and NIKO!" Mika protested.
"No way! It's always been NIKO and MIKA." Niko said matter-of-factly.
"Liar! You changed the name behind my back, didn't you?"
"Nu uh! Look, here's our business card!"
"YOU CREEP! You changed the name AND the business card behind my back!"
Their argument lasted long into the night, I imagine... but definitely as long as it took us to leave the village.

Once we were on the field again, Link took out his Ocarina and turned towards the south. "Oh, LL, you might want to think about changing back now."
"CHANGING!" I corrected him. "I'm already changed back. REMEMBER? This is the real me!"
"Don't get so touchy," he said.
"Well jeez, when you confuse my species, I think I have a reason to get a little..."
"Shut up both of you. I'm tired and cranky and I WANNA GO HOME!" Yumi snapped. "And I'll be pushed in COW POO if I have to listen to you two argue anymore!"
Surprisingly, Yumi can get pretty scary when she's angry.
"Fine, fine. Innocence Medallion, transform..."

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Link played the song he used to call his horse to call his horse.
That was a little redundant, huh? Well anyway, Epona came galloping up to us and stopped. Link gave her a pat on the neck, and then hopped on. "Well come on. I'm tired too, but the sooner we get to Kokiri Forest, the sooner we can rest."
I stepped into the stirrup and jumped up to get on the saddle, but I guess I jumped too hard because... I totally missed the saddle and did a face plant on the other side of Epona.
SPLAT!
"I thought I said no more falling..." I mumbled from my very uncomfortable position.
"Ooh, ouch..." Yumi winced.
"My goodness! What's the matter with you, Doseki?"
"I told you I was tired..." I muttered.
I stood up, dusted myself off, and tried again. This time I made it onto the horse in one piece.
Link spurred Epona into a gallop, and we headed off to Kokiri Forest in the southeast.

"Ah, the rolling field!" Yumi cooed. "The wideness! The openness! The... boringness!"
"The sleepiness..." I added.
"No, no, no! Stay awake! If you fall off this horse, you will be seriously injured." Link warned. "I'm serious. I've done it before. It hurts. Badly."
"Like being kicked in the groin?" Yumi asked innocently.
Link scowled. Or at least, I think he did. I was behind him. "Very cute, Yumi..."
"I NEED SOME COFFEE!" I wailed. "I'M UP WAY PAST MY BEDTIME, WE HAVEN'T RESTED IN TWO DAYS, AND I NEED SOME COFFEE BADLY!"
"Enough screaming. I'm going as fast as Epona can!" Link said.
"Here, I'll help!" Yumi said triumphantly. Then she began to sing. "STAAAAAAY AWAKE! DON'T REEEEEST YOUR HEAD! DON'T CLOOOOOSE YOUR EYES! DON'T GOOOOO TO BED!"
"Yumi, that's a LULLABY!" Link yelled. "What are you trying to do? Kill him?"
"OK then, I have back up!" she said. "WE'RE MEN! WE'RE MEN IN TIGHTS! WE ROAM AROUND THE FOREST LOOKING FOR FIGHTS!"
"I resent that song!" Link snapped.
"Zzzzz..." I said.
"WAKE UP!" Link and Yumi both screamed.
"Uhhh... stop yelling, I can't sleep for all the noise..."
"III'M HEN-A-RY THE EIGHTH I AM! HEN-A-RY THE EIGHTH I AM, I -" Yumi started to sing.
"STOP THE SINGING! It's giving me a headache!" Link said. "Now Doseki, PLEASE! You have to stay awake! For your own sake!"
"But I'm SOOOO TIRED!" I wailed.
"What did I tell you? Wait five minutes, and we'll be at my house, and you can sleep... well, not all you want. But for a little bit."
"I can't last that long," I groaned. "If I even blink, I'm going to fall asleep."
"Yumi, hold his eyes open."
"WHAT?" I gasped.
"You heard me. NO FALLING ASLEEP ON THE HORSE!"
Yumi landed on my head and pulled my eyes open. "No sleeping! You'll fall! Now stay awake!"
"OW! A bug just flew in my eye!" I snapped. "Leggo, Yumi!"
She let go.
"Good... now I can sleep..."
Yumi smacked me. "STOP IT! No sleeping!"
She was holding my eyes open for a while, and then I screamed again. "OW! A BUG REALLY DID JUST FLY IN MY EYE!"
"We can't do this anymore!" Link groaned. He stopped Epona on the road from Kokiri Forest to Lon-Lon Ranch.
"Get off," he said.
"Are we gonna walk?" I mumbled. "I don't wanna walk..."
"We're not walking, we're doing what we should have done a long time ago..."
He stole the bag with the Author Sage medallions from me, and pulled out the Galaxy Medallion. "She'll know what to do."
When Galaxy Girl appeared, she was obviously not expecting company. She was asleep, in her own nice, warm, comfy bed... getting her Z's... drooling a little bit...
"GG! WAKE UP!" Link and Yumi screamed.
"GAH!" she screeched. "NO! YOU CAN'T GET ME GALATEAAAA... Uh?"
She blinked twice, rubbed her eyes, and turned her alarm clock towards her.
"Good morning, sweetie." Yumi said.
"LINK! Do you have any freaking idea what time it is?" GG growled, obviously not happy to see him. "IT'S 3 FREAKIN' THIRTY IN THE MORNING!"
That's right... GG is NOT a morning person at all... In her own words, there were two different GG's. The real GG, and the Morning GG, the "Irritable Haggy Wretch". Wake her up before she's ready, and you'll definitely wish you hadn't... once she has her coffee though, she's quite pleasant!
"This is an emergency!" Link said. "We need some help."
"Oh, well isn't that nice?" she snapped. "Well it's the wee hours of Friday morning, and I have school today. CALL ME UP SOMETIME WHEN I'M AWAKE!" Then she lay back down and rolled over.
"No, GG! Wake up! It's Doseki!"
She sat up again. "What?"
"We need him to wake up!" Yumi said. "He's so tired he can't even move!"
GG groaned, and threw off the covers. "OK, OK... It's all right, I'll help..."
I was half-asleep, but I could see GG walking through the hallways of her house to the kitchen. She pulled a small black canister out of the cabinet and held it up.
"Here. The solution to your problem," she said.
"What is it?" I mumbled.
"International Blends Orange Cappuccino Coffee Drink Mix," GG mumbled back. "Caffeine content: 300 grams a cup."
"Wow, that's a lot of caffeine..." Yumi whistled.
"Mix Dosek up a cuppa this stuff, and he'll be hopping around like a rabbit on stimulants..."
"Um, are you sure it's a good idea?" asked Link warily. "You know him."
"Well, I don't know... it's 3:30 in the morning, there's not much else I can do to help you..."
"We'll take it!" Yumi and Link chimed.
"But one problem. How do we get it here?" asked Yumi.
"Here," said GG. She held up her hands, and the canister disappeared from her kitchen and it tumbled down to the ground an inch away from Link.
"Here we are. Thank you, GG." Link said.
But she didn't hear him. She had fallen asleep leaning against the counter.
I could totally relate...
"Sweet dreams, Sage of Galaxy..." Yumi smiled.
"Baby mine, don't you cry..." I sang weakly. "Baby mine, dry your eye..."
ZZZZZZZZZZZ...

TEN MINUTES LATER...

"Gee Link, whaddya know Link? I feel like a completely new person! I could run a marathon! I could climb Death Mountain in a span of ten seconds! I could lift a million bajillion quadrillion kabillion pounds! I could keep on talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking and talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking..."
"Well, I suppose it's better than him falling asleep." Link shrugged.
Who knew a little canister of brown powder could wake me up so good?
"I don't need a nap, I don't need a nap, I don't need a nap!" I yammered.
"That's great, Doseki... now stop screaming or you'll scare Epona and she'll throw us off."
It was all I could do to try and shut up.
The sun was just starting to come up. We were almost within the great big splotch of green that was the Kokiri Forest. A few trees dotted the borders of the forest and the field, and finally, we arrived at a big log tunnel.
"Well, past this log is the forest!" Link said. He hopped off Epona, and I jumped off and crashed to the ground.
"My goodness, calm down!" Yumi said.
"I can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't, can't can-"
That was when Link smacked me.
"Stop it! Get a hold of yourself, man!"
"I... I feel better now... thank you..." I stuttered.
"Good," Link said. "If you're going to be this hyper, turn into a Goron at least so we can still keep up with you."
"I resent that remark," I mumbled.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Sure enough, my Goron self was moving faster than I usually did, but I wasn't as high strung. I wonder how that happened...?
"Good." Link said. "Now, both of you. There are a few things we need to get straight. 1. I am not really a Kokiri; I am a Hylian. Don't rub it in with my friends. 2. Don't ask them what I was like as a baby. 3. Don't do ANYTHING to the trees. That includes going to the bathroom."
"EWWW! You sicko!" Yumi shrieked. "As if!"
"Well jeez, I don't know how the two of you were brought up. 4. Don't make jokes about looking young for their age and 5. DO NOT GO INTO THE LOST WOODS unless I am with you! Got it?"
"Got it," I said.
"Sure, whatever." Yumi said.
Suddenly, we heard a tortured scream, and a figure dressed in green stumbled out of the log tunnel.
"EEEK!" I gasped.
It was the author Omnisplash. He was dressed in clothes not unlike Link's, and when he noticed he was out of the forest, he started screaming.
"AAGGGHHHH! EEEEEEH! IIIIIIIIEEEE! OOOOOHH! OOOOOOH!" he shrieked. Then he hit the ground and his eyes started bugging out. "OOH! AAH! I'M DYYYYYYYYYING! AGGGHHHH..."
"Link... what's going on with him?" I asked worriedly.
"He's... Oh no. He thinks he's a Kokiri... and Kokiri die if they leave the forest."
"IS HE DYING?" gasped Yumi.
"No, no, of course not. He's just... being very, very weird."
Omnisplash let out a few more screams, and then he turned towards us. "C-c-come... closer!" he wheezed.
We stepped in. "What is it?" I asked.
"The horror... THE HORROR! THE FOREST IS DOOMED!" he hacked.
"What are you talking about?" Link asked.
"SKULL KID! THE SKULL KID! AGGGGGHHHHH, THE SKULL KID!" Omnisplash screamed.
"What Skull Kid?" asked Yumi. "What are you yammering on about?"
"HORROR! HOOOOOOORROR! AGGGGHHHHH... A TUNNEL! A BRIGHT TUNNEL!" Omnisplash wailed. Then, he croaked. Well, sort of.
A few seconds later, he opened his left eye and looked around. "Am I dead yet?"
"Forget him," Link said, rolling his eyes. "I hope the other authors who found their way here aren't that crazy."

Link led us through the tunnel, and then across a bridge into another log tunnel.
And finally, there we were! In Link's hometown, Kokiri Forest!
Was it always this nuts?
"WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?" gasped Link.
Authors! Tons of them, racing around like crazy!
Lily Mucca-Chan Dragmire was skipping about with a little flute, singing very loudly, "TRA-LALAAAAAA! TRA-LALAAAAAAAA! I AM A KOKIRI! TRA-LALAAAAAAA! TRA-LALAAAAAAAAAA! BORN OF THE DEKU TREE!"
"SOMEONE HELP ME!" shrieked a Kokiri boy, as Kesu ran after him.
"WAIT! COME BACK! I JUST WANNA TALK TO YOU!" she screamed. "AND I WANT TO TELL YOU ABOUT THE FINE FOREST GOODS WE SELL AT TREE CO.!"
The Blue Wizardess was waving around a stick and screaming, "BEWARE, KOKIRI! I AM THE FOREST WITCH, HERE TO GET YOU!"
I don't think the Kokiri were very intimidated.
Gullwhacker was dressed as a Skull Kid, standing on top of a log, dancing and screaming and singing, and trying to play a stick like a flute.
"Wow... you come from a kooky town, Link." I commented.
"This isn't how it's supposed to be at all!" he yelled. "What happened to the peace, the quiet, the... REGULAR KOKIRI?"
Then I saw someone familiar to me. It was Galaxy Girl's little sister, Blue Butterfly 19!
Only, she looked a LOT different than usual... BB was wearing Kokiri-like clothing and standing near a little pond-looking thing. She was standing next to a large sign holding what looked like a camera.
"Look, Link! That's GG's little sister!" I said.
"GENTLEMEEEEEN!" she shrieked, racing over to us. "And fairy! Welcome to Toki Kokiri's Really Cool Forest Picture Tour! Only 5 Rupees a piece!"
"No thanks," Link said coolly.
"Oh, come now! I can show you things in the forest that none of those OTHER photo tour people can show you... ISN'T THAT RIGHT, YOU LOSER?" she yelled over to ChaosWeapon, across the little pond thingy. ChaosWeapon was also holding a sign and a camera. She stuck her tongue out at Blue Butterfly.
"Tell you what, GEEEEEEENTLEMEN! I'll make you a special offer, how about... FREE?"
"Um, no thanks, we're in a hurry!" I said.
"OK then, I'll make it quick!" she screamed, grabbing Link by the collar and me by the arm.
"HEY!" Link yelled.
"Over here is a blade of grass! It's quite a lovely blade of grass, don't you think?" she cooed. Then she snapped 13 pictures of the blade of grass. "And here we have a rock! A beautiful, strong, tough rock!" Click, click, click, click went the camera.
"Ah, look at this! It's a tree! Sure there are a lot of trees in the forest, but this one is spectacularly awesome!" 10 pictures of the tree.
"Oops, out of film." BB said, quickly replacing it. "Come here, Goron Sir, stand in the light and shade my camera so the film doesn't get overexposed!" She grabbed me again, and yanked me so I was standing in the way of the sun.
"HEY!" I cried. "Be careful!"
BB pulled us over to a small house with a girl outside. "And here we have a lovely young Kokiri girl... this one has green hair! Isn't she lovely?" BB snapped a whole bunch of pictures of that girl.
"Go away, Toki, or whatever you're calling yourself... LINK?" the girl gasped. She had bright green hair and wore a green dress with a green headband. Everything was green on her!
"Saria!" Link yelled.
Oh, of course! It was Saria, the Sage of the Forest and one of my dad's close friends. I knew Saria well too. She loved to come over on weekends and play checkers with Dad while I did her hair. I wondered if she would recognize me.
Saria ran over and gave Link a big hug around the knees. Then... well, I'll TRY and tell you what they did next.
They both turned around and bonked their butts, then high fived, low fived, twiddled their thumbs together, clapped and sang, "She sells seashells by the seashore" and then they both went, "woobywoobywoobywooby!"
Then they both burst out laughing.
Yumi and I raised our eyebrows.
"My goodness Link, you said you would only be gone an hour or two!" Saria scolded. "We were worried sick about you!"
"Sorry Saria, but I have to save the world again, with LL... OH! Hey, LL, Yumi, come over here!"
I ran over. "Hi, Saria!" I grinned.
"Hi, LL! Wait a sec... Oh yeah, Impa told me about you and the Sage of Innocence! That's really awesome! Welcome to the Sage family!" Saria grinned. "She said something about you had special powers now..."
"I can turn into a human if I want to," I said.
Saria's eye almost popped out. "Cool... I wonder if my medallion lets me turn into a Skull Kid or a Deku Scrub or something... cool!"
"It's not as fun as it looks," I murmured. "By the way, I'm hungry. Do you mind?"
"Not at all," Saria said.
I picked up a rock next to Saria and snacked on it.
"And I'm Yumi!" Yumi said.
"Hi, Yumi. Link, what are you doing here? You should be looking for the Author Sages!"
"The sixth one is here," Link said. "In the forest somewhere."
"Oh. Well, take your pick!" Saria said, pointing at the dozens of authors. "The whole place is crawling with psycho authors! Mido is sick of them."
"Oh, who cares about Mido, anyway?" Link grumbled.
"EXCUSE ME, GEEEEEEENTLEMEN! The tour isn't over yet!" BB whined. "Come along, come along!"
"Sorry Toki, we changed our minds!" Link said. "Hey look, there's a genuine Kokiri Leader coming out of that house over there! Why don't you go take his picture?"
"MIDOOOOOOOOOOO!" BB squealed, and she ran across the village and started pestering that Mido guy.
"This is absolutely insane!" Saria groaned. "It's getting crazier every day! And every once and a while, this guy'll show up and go crazy looking for someone."
"Huh?" asked Link. "What guy?"
"I don't know his name... but yesterday he came and said he'd be back. Why don't you wait around for a while, he'll show up."
"Good idea," Link said.
"But anyway... this whole business is really scaring me!" Saria said worriedly. "I mean, I have total faith in you two, but what if..."
"Don't say that. LL and I will save everyone!" Link said triumphantly.
"I wish I could help! But this one is for the Author Sages, not the normal Sages." Saria said sheepishly.
"You already did help!" I said.
"Yeah Saria, that's a really good start there with the guy. Now if only he would show up..."
"Until the authors all come back to normal, all I really can do is watch them and make sure none of them hurt any of us or destroy anything important."
"What has the Deku Sprout said?" asked Link.
"Oh... Poor Sprout... there's a couple authors in his meadow pretending to be trees. He told me that he could see great danger coming if the Sixth Author Sage couldn't be found..."
Before I could ask what a Deku Sprout was, BB ran up to us again, snapping pictures like crazy. "Oh yes! That will look lovely in my photo album!"
Then she grabbed Link and me and pushed us off to one side. She snatched Yumi out of the air and stuck her on my shoulder. "OK you three, POSE!"
"WHAT?" we said, as the camera went off.
"SPLENDID! It's a beautiful thing!" BB screamed. "And again..." Click! "And smile this time!"
I smiled and gave Yumi bunny ears.
"OK, enough pictures..." Link begged.
BB grinned and ran off to pester Blue Wizardess and Kesu.
"Things have really gone downhill here..." Saria groaned.

We followed Link to a cozy-looking tree house complete with rope ladder (which I climbed up veeeeery slowly) and a cow outside. A COW?
"Yeah, I won it at Lon-Lon Ranch," he boasted.
"Don't brag, Link. We all know the story about you and the big stupid horse thing." Saria groaned.
Turns out, Link lived in a roomy little tree house that was fully furnished with the finest in wood furniture. Tables, chairs, a bed, and a big wooden cabinet.
Link quickly shut the cabinet and locked it. "Heh heh heh... just some... things of mine..."
"A big poster of Zelda?" I asked, pointing to it on the floor.
"Oooh... Linky's got a cru-uuush! Linky's got a cru-uuuuush!" Saria giggled.
Link scowled and shoved the poster into the cabinet. "You guys want something to eat or drink?"
"You got any of those potato chip things?" asked Saria hopefully.
"No thanks." Yumi said.
"Nope. Only rocks and ice cream and rice pudding for me."
Link rustled himself and Saria up a bag of chips I guess one of the authors had given to him a while ago, and settled down on his bed. "Ah, it's good to be home."
"Good to have you home," Saria laughed.
I flopped down in a chair. "You know, just when we don't think anything can get any weirder, we come here..."
Yumi had other things on her mind, though. "Who do you think that guy Saria was talking about could have been?"
"Ganondorf?" Link asked worriedly.
"No, it's not him, don't worry." Saria reassured us. "It's a young man. Not a lot younger than you, Link."
"Ah," he said. "An author?"
"No, actually... it's a Termanian. He's looking for someone named Cerena."
"DOKORU!" I gasped.
"Who?" Link, Yumi and Saria all asked.
"It's Dokoru!" I laughed. "I know him! The author Cerena Montanyu, he's her boyfriend. GG and Cerena are friends, so I talk to Dokoru all the time!"
"He's a Termanian?" Link asked.
"Well you know how people who get lost in the forest become Skull Kids?" I asked.
"Yeah?" Saria and Link said.
"Dokoru got lost in the woods and became a Skull Kid a long time ago. And then he had this big run in with an evil powered mask or something, and not long after that, he figured out a way to reverse the Curse of the Woods and turn himself human again for a little while."
"SKULL KID!" Link said. "That's right, Dokoru is that little punk skull kid who turned me into a scrub!"
"He's nice now, really!" I said. "He's so nice, he was my cheerleader in the annual Goron City Cliff Rolling Tournament last year!"
Yumi burst out laughing.
"Don't bring that up with him though..." I murmured.
"Oh... Dokoru must be that guy who keeps coming into the forest... He keeps saying that the Kokiri must have put a curse on that Cerena girl and now she forgot who she is, and if we don't tell him where the real Cerena is, he'll pulverize every last one of us." Saria nodded.
"Whew... what a temper." Yumi giggled.
"We'll have to talk to Dokoru when he shows up again." I said. "Maybe he can help us find the Sage!"
"Well, there's nothing we can do until we're all feeling a little less tired. Why don't we all have a nap or something?" Link suggested.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I must be keeping you guys awake," Saria apologized. "Here, I'll go home and you guys can all have a nice nap."
"Thanks for your help, Saria. And if Dokoru comes again, come and get us!" Link said.
"No problem, buddy." Saria said as she climbed down the ladder in front of Link's house.

I was in the middle of a dream about going to a live concert of the Rockheads.
"WE LIKE ROCKS! ANY KIND OF ROCKS! WE EAT THEM ALL DAY LONG! IF YOU LIKE ROCKS! ANY KIND OF ROCKS! COME ON, AND SING IT ALONG!"
That's when I heard someone calling my name.
"LL! Hey, get up! You've napped long enough, Sleeping Beauty." It was Yumi. "Come on now! Wake up!"
I woke up to see Link standing on his porch. "I think something's going on out there," he said. "We'd better go see."
"Mmm... five more minutes, Dad..."
"No, not five more minutes. Come on!"
I reluctantly got up and joined Link and Yumi on the porch. We could vaguely see what was going on outside.
A whole group of Kokiri, real and not real, was crowded around something.
"Loser!"
"Moron!"
"Idiot!"
"Weirdo!"
"AAAHAHAHAHAAA!"
"Stop it, leave me alone!" a high voice said.
"Oh great. A Kokiri bully gang," Link snapped.
"Who are they talking to?" Yumi asked.
"I'm going down there." Link said.
"Me too!" I said.
I followed Link down the ladder. Veeeery slowly, I might add.
He ran up to the group and pushed his way through. "Move it, guys!" he said.
At the center of the group was a girl Kokiri on the ground. Hey wait a sec, that wasn't a Kokiri! It was Cerena!
The author Cerena Montanyu... She wore a Kokiri-style dress, not unusual for her, and had lovely reddish orange hair that went down to her shoulders. She had been crying, it looked like.
"Hey, what are you guys doing? Leave her alone!" Link yelled.
"Jeez Link, it's just Siriana," one of the real Kokiri said.
"I don't care who it is, leave her alone!" Link said.
The Kokiri, all grumbling, dispersed away into the village.
"Are you OK?" I asked Cerena. Or, Siriana as I guess she was called now.
"Yes, thank you... I... I'm fine," she said. "Thank you very much..."
Then she stood up and ran towards a log tunnel on top of a high hill.
"Hey wait, come back here!" Link said.
"I'm sorry!" she said, disappearing into the log tunnel.
"Oh great," Link groaned. "What was that all about?"
"Siriana's such a loser!" a voice said.
We turned around and saw a Kokiri boy standing behind us.
"What?"
"She spends all her time writing stuff instead of playing or doing anything that a Kokiri is supposed to do. And Mido says he doesn't think she's a Kokiri at all!"
"That's a mean reason to make fun of someone!" I said.
"Well, she deserves it," the boy said.
"You shut up. It's not nice to make fun of ANYONE! No matter what!" Yumi said.
The boy shrugged and ran away. Link sighed and shook his head.
"Stupid Kokiri... they were mean to me when I was a kid too."
"Hmm." I said. "OH MAN! WAIT A SEC!" I screamed.
"WHAT?" Link and Yumi gasped.
"The clue said, 'You'll find them alone, it's their destiny: The silence of the woods is the hidden key!'"
"ALONE? Like Siriana!" Yumi gasped.
"Do you think Cerena might be the next Sage?" I asked.
"I don't know, LL... but that's a very good point you made right there." Link murmured. "Come on. Just to be safe, we'd better follow her."

We were heading for the Lost Woods, when a bunch of Kokiri, real and not-real raced up to Link, panting and gasping.
"LINK! SAAAVE US!" they wailed.
"From what?" he asked.
Then we saw exactly what.
Marching into the Kokiri Village was a young man a little older than I was, with long light brown hair that was strung wildly in a ponytail down his shoulders. He wore a rather raggedy looking set of clothes, with a chain for a belt. Hanging from the belt was a mask. A wooden mask, with a big nose and two eyeholes cut out.
"IT'S THE SKULL THINGY!" shrieked a few of the Kokiri.
"SAVE US!" they wailed.
"It's Dokoru!" I said.
Dokoru stomped into the center of the village and then screamed out, "LL RIGHT, ALL YOU LITTLE WIMPS! WHERE IS MY GIRLFRIEND?"
"HELP!" the Kokiri screamed.
"I TOLD YOU I WOULD TEAR THIS VILLAGE APART IF YOU DIDN'T RELEASE MY GIRLFRIEND FROM THE SPELL YOU'VE GOT HER UNDER! NOW COME ON! WHERE IS SHE?"
"DOKORU!" I called, waving wildly.
He turned in my direction, and raised his eyebrows. "Who are you?" he asked.
"Um, it's me, LL. You know, that one guy whose name you always forget when you and Cerena are talking to Galaxy Girl?"
"Oh yeah. That one guy," Dokoru shrugged. "Hey Link... heh heh heh... it's been a while, huh?"
"Yes. I would say so." Link muttered.
Dokoru ran over to us. "What are you two doing here? Looking for GG?"
"No, we found her. We're looking for Cerena again," Yumi said.
Dokoru eyed Yumi strangely and leaned down to whisper in my ear. "Hey LL... does that fairy look a little... WEIRD to you?"
"She's not a fairy, she's an author." I said.
"Huh?"
"It's a really long story. There's this virus, and it sucked all the Zelda authors from Fan Fiction.Net into Hyrule, and a few in Termina. They all lost their memories, and we had to go around and find six of them, who are the 'Author Sages.' So far, GG, Chica, Jigglypuff, Zel, and Wintyr have been awakened as Sages, but there's one more to find before tomorrow at midnight and we think Cerena might be it." Link explained.
"You lost me at the bakery, buddy..." Dokoru murmured, scratching his head. "But did you say, 'looking for Cerena again?'"
"We did. We just saw her. She thinks she's a Kokiri named Siriana, and we saw her run off into the Lost Woods." Yumi told him.
By now, a whole bunch of Kokiri were attempting to sneak in quietly to get a good look at Dokoru. He noticed them, and yelled, "GRAAAR!"
"EEEEEK!" shrieked the Kokiri, racing off again.
"Who started the virus?" asked Dokoru.
"We don't know, but it wasn't the Kokiri, you can stop terrorizing them now." Link chuckled.
"Well gee, now I feel bad." Dokoru said. "They ARE pretty much family to me... Well, if Cerena has gone to the Lost Woods, I'm going too!"
Dokoru pulled the mask off of his belt. "Are you coming?" he asked us.
"Certainly," I said.
Dokoru nodded and said, "I'm a little more agile this way."
He slipped on the mask, and was surrounded by a greenish glow.
Suddenly, there was a flash of light and a little Skull Kid stood in Dokoru's place.
"COME ON!" he said, backflipping up the ledges that led to the Woods.
Link and Yumi easily followed him. I had a harder time.
"Wait, wait, wait for me!" I cried.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I leaped up the first ledge and then was right behind Link as he followed Dokoru/Skull Kid into the log tunnel.

"Stay close to us," Link and Skull Kid said.
As soon as we entered the forest, a funny melody began to echo through the trees. I recognized it immediately as the Goron City Official Song of Happiness/Gladness/Joy/Good Stuff/ETC... SARIA'S SONG!
"Doo dee doo, doo dee doo," I sang cheerfully.
"Please don't dance," Link begged. "I've seen your dad dance to this one... Yeesh..."
"Hey, don't make fun of the Official Dance of the Gorons!" I snapped.
"Yeah Link, I love this song!" Skull Kid cried.
We followed Skull Kid through a bunch of tunnels of logs and through a few clumps of trees, yelling all the way, "SIRIANA! SIRIANA!"
"CERENA!" Skull Kid yelled.
"She won't answer to that," Yumi said. "She thinks her name is Siriana."
"Why does she think... oh. Oh, doiii."
A few tree tunnels later, the music stopped.
"Where did the music go?" I murmured.
Suddenly, we heard a rustling in the bushes.
"AGGGGGHHHHH! DANGER! MUST... RUN!" Skull Kid shrieked. He backflipped and disappeared.
"HEY, COME BACK HERE!" Link cried.
"What is that sound?" I wailed to Link.
"It's only me," Sheik said, stepping out of a clump of bushes.

"PHEW!" Yumi whistled. "You scared the living crap out of us, Sheik!"
"Sorry," he said. "Just doing my job of eerily following you all over the place."
"Hey Sheik... this is the last temple, and the last song, too. Is this the last time we'll see you?" I asked.
"Probably not," Sheik said. "You see, it's my duty to help the Hero of Time as he travels. I'll see him again definitely. Now you, I'm not sure, Doseki."
"Awww... but you're so nice!" I sighed.
"We'll have to see. No use pouting about it now." Sheik said. Then he cleared his throat.
"Well boys, this is it. The final temple song. This temple challenges you to see through the falsehoods of illusion..."
"That's pretty redundant," Link chuckled.
"WHO'S THE MYSTERIOUS ONE, HERE?" Sheik snapped. "AHEM! Now anyway, this temple will teach you to listen with your heart to find what is true and what is false. Because only when your heart can guide you through what is false will you truly be self-sufficient. Listen to this, the Ululation of Truth."
"Fun name!" I grinned.
Sheik rolled his eyes and pulled out the harp-thingy.

_________^____________________^_______________
_____________________________________________
____________________________________________
_____________________________________________
__A________________________A___________________

Link and I repeated it, and Sheik nodded. "Riiight. Finally, you get one right on your first try! Well, there you have it, the Ululation of Truth."
"Since this is the last time you'll be showing up to help us, aren't you going to reveal some kind of crazy secret like you did in OoT?" Link asked. "Like, are you really a woman? Or are you and Impa the same person? Or... GASP! Or, are you really the voice of Destiny?"
"No Link, I am not a woman, my aunt and I are two different people, and I am not the voice of Destiny." Sheik said, thoroughly annoyed. "I am a Sheikah man who enjoys appearing in random places, playing my harp, and selling hairbrushes and vacuum cleaners to make money on the side."
"Really?" Link said, kind of disappointed. "Then how did Destiny tell you that you had to help us?"
"How else would Destiny tell me? She called!" Sheik said.
Link frowned. "OK, OK... maybe you're just a normal person this time... OH! But are you really like a reincarnated Sage of some sort? OH GOSH! RAURU! RAURU, IS THAT YOU?"
"You're weird," Sheik said. "No, I'm not Rauru reincarnated. Or anybody reincarnated, for that matter. I'm just your average, run-of-the-mill Sheikah."
"Then why do you wear a veil?" asked Link.
"Hey, what's with the third degree? I didn't come here to help you so that you could interrogate me!"
"OK then, take off your veil and I'll be convinced you're just an ordinary run-of-the-mill Sheikah." Link said slyly.
"Hey, yeah!" Yumi giggled.
"It's custom!" Sheik growled.
"Then how come Impa doesn't wear one?" I asked.
"Because... because... UGH! I don't know!" Sheik whined. "OK, OK, fine. You wanna know why I wear a veil? Here! SEE ME WITHOUT IT!"
He angrily unwrapped the veil from around his face, and Link, Yumi and I all gasped.
"HOLY SH..." Link gasped.
"Wow... I didn't know you..."
"Yeah, yeah, that was the point of the veil."
"Why don't you put something on that?" I asked.
"Because I have sensitive skin," Sheik replied.
"Don't you think a visit to a dermatologist is in order?" Yumi asked.
"I have one. I think he's a quack. Really."
"Wow, I'm sorry Sheik."
"It's all right. Just don't ask me to do it again!" he said, wrapping up his face again.
"Thanks for all your help, Sheik." I said. "Do you want my phone number so we can talk?"
"I know your phone number already," Sheik said.
"Huh? How?"
"Let's just say that I'm mysterious," he smiled.
"Terribly mysterious!" Yumi said in awe.
"Well, I'd best be going now. Good luck in the last temple, and remember: Save the final Sage, and save Hyrule!"
"Thanks Sheik!" Link called.
The Sheikah nodded a bow and threw one of his magic marble-y things, and he was gone.
"What a cool guy!" I said.
"I feel so bad for asking him to take off his veil..." Link murmured.
"Hey, how were you supposed to know that he was stricken with the worst case of acne the world has ever known?" I shrugged.
"He's mysterious, all right." Link said.
"TERRIBLY mysterious!" Yumi said in awe.

A few seconds later, Dokoru (still in his Skull Kid form) appeared right near us. "YOU GUYS! YOU GUYS! I found her!" he cried, dancing all around.
"YOU DID?" we gasped. "WHERE?"
"Over here, follow me!" he called. "I tried to show her who I was, but she doesn't remember me,"
"Of course not!" Link said. "Oh... you didn't tell her who she really was, did you?"
"Nope," he said. "I figured that would be a bad idea."
Finally, we reached a small clearing surrounded by tall grass with a tree in the middle. Sitting on one branch of the tree was Cerena, or Siriana as she now went by.
"I don't want to mess things up for you," Skull Kid said. "I'd better go... now that I know where she is, I'm not as worried."
Then Dokoru/Skull Kid backflipped and vanished again.

Siriana saw us coming. "OH! It's you... and another boy. I never really got a chance to thank you for helping me."
"It's no problem," Link said. "I heard your name was Siriana."
"Yes, it is. What are your names?" she asked.
"I'm Link, and this is Doseki." Link said. "And this is Doseki's fairy, Yumi."
"Hi," I said.
"Greetings," Yumi nodded.
"That's one reason why the others are so mean to me,' Siriana said sadly. "I don't seem to have a fairy,"
"Neither do I," Link said, having a seat on a stump next to the tree. I sat on the ground, and Yumi was on my shoulder. "I grew up in this town, and I never had a fairy."
"Really?" she asked. That comment seemed to cheer her up.
"But it also turned out I wasn't a Kokiri," he added sheepishly.
"Oh. Well, I wouldn't mind it if I wasn't a Kokiri at all. You may stay young forever, but it's not fair, us being trapped here all the time."
"Ah," I said. I had never thought about it that way.

This whole conversation kind of reminded me of something I had read in one of GG's books. There really is no such thing as truth. It all depends on your point of view.
It was like... a swimming pool. To say it was big wouldn't necessarily be true. After all, if you were an elephant, it would be a rather small pool. If you were an ant it would be a gigantic ocean. If you were a human like GG or a Hylian like Link, it would be a refreshing place to cool off. And if you were a Goron, it would be a terribly dangerous trap.
To everyone else, they might say the Kokiri were lucky to stay young forever. But to the Kokiri, they might think it was horrible that they would never get to grow up, they would never be able to leave and see things around them.

Hey, wait a sec... what was I talking about before that again?
Philosophy is good sometimes, but it always leaves me very confused.
"Anyway, I don't care what the others say about me! I love to sit in this tree and write poems all day. It also makes me very shy, so I'm sorry I ran away like that." Siriana continued.
"No problem," I said.
"Hey, since we're kind of talking like friends now, let me ask you something. Do you know a crazy little Skull Kid who can turn himself into a human?" asked Siriana.
"Nope." I said.
"Never seen one," Link added.
"He's right over... OOF!" Yumi began, but then put my finger over her mouth.
"Oh. Well, he keeps on bothering me. CAD!" she snarled.
This conversation was taking us nowhere.

We soon discovered that Siriana wasn't as shy as she seemed. She asked Link for his opinions on shampoo brands, his favorite cereal, memorable conversations he had had, hypothetical questions, and whether he preferred pretzels or popcorn. I guess the poor little thing was so happy to meet someone who could relate to her, she kind of got sidetracked.
"Well gee, Siriana. It's been a lovely chat, but we really must get going..." Link murmured.
"Oh. I see. Thank you for talking to me. I'm so lonely all the time," she sighed.
As Link stood up, his Ocarina tumbled down out of his pocket. He reached down to get it, but before he could, Siriana stood up in the tree.
"What is that?" she asked.
"An Ocarina." I answered.
"Wow! Can you play it, Link?"
"Well, sure," he said.
"Ooh, sorry to bug you, but could I hear a few songs?" Siriana begged. "I love music."
"I play drums!" I called to her.
"Oh, great! Can I hear both of you?" she begged.
I shrugged.

A few songs turned into a bunch. Link ended up playing all the songs he knew, he was so proud of the compliments Siriana was giving him. He also played the Legato of Galaxy, the Etude of Energy, the Not-So-Ritardando of DDR, the Rhapsody of Randomness, AND the Monody of Emotion just so that I could accompany him on a few songs.
"Any more?" she asked playfully.
"Sorry, I don't think... OH! Hey, I know one more," Link said.
He pulled out the Ocarina again and counted. I knew what song this was!
We played the Ululation of Truth.

"Oh wow! That's the best one yet!" Siriana cooed. "It's so beautiful!"
Suddenly, something told us that THAT was the song we were supposed to play here...
The entire forest began to shake. Birds fluttered out of the trees and all sorts of leaves were falling to the ground.
And then, IT APPEARED! A great big doorway that seemed to be in the middle of nowhere! There was a big black rectangular space just floating there in the air. We could see a light purple and greenish frame around the doorway, and a strange glow from within.
It was the Truth Temple!
"OH MY GOSH!" Siriana gasped.
"WOWEEE!" I cried.
"OH COOL!" Yumi cooed.
"Oh no..." Link muttered when he heard a voice from inside the temple.
"I didn't know that it would be so close!" I told him.
"Siriana, why don't you come down from that tree?" Link called, turning towards the tree. "Siriana? SIRIANA! OH CRAP!"
Siriana was floating in mid air, her eyes glowing bright purple. She looked like a zombie!
"Moo..." she murmured.
"Siriana! CERENA!" I cried. "Wait! Come back!"
The hypnotized author slowly began to float through the air.
"WHERE ARE YOU GOING?" yelled Yumi.
Oh, we knew where she was going.
"Moo..." said Cerena again. "Moo... Moo..."
And she disappeared into the inky blackness that led into the Truth Temple.

"How come I knew that was going to happen?" I muttered.
"We have to go save her!" Link cried. "Cerena IS the next Sage!"
"Finally, you notice the pattern!" Yumi groaned. "After all those arguments!"
"Yumi, I think there are a few more important things on hand!" Link snapped.
"I know. But there's one thing that we need to figure out before we just rush in there!" Yumi said.
"We don't have any time to lose! Come on, let's get in there and save Cerena!" Link cried.
"Hey, wait!" I yelled at him. "Yumi's right!"
"COME ON, YOU TWO!" Link yelled. "We don't have all day!"
"Did you ever think about this, home-boy?" asked Yumi sarcastically.
"Think about what?"
Yumi and I rolled our eyes. Boy, when Link was feeling heroic his brain just went out the window.
"Think about WHAT?" Link asked, a little impatient.
"How are we supposed to even ENTER the temple?" Yumi asked arrogantly.
"We jump!" Link said.
Then he noticed that the doorway was at least 30 feet off the ground.
"Oh..." he murmured. "We... HOOKSHOT!"
"On what wood?" I asked. Even I knew that one.
"Oh..." he murmured again. Then he joined Yumi and me in staring at the doorway far above from next to the tree.
"How ARE we going to get in?"



Yeah Link, how ARE you going to get in? Doseki's right about one thing... they're going to need some help to get in there. So the final Sage is revealed... but the boys may have one heck of a time trying to save her... Will they find a way inside? Does Dokoru need to start taking Rageaholics Anonymous courses again? Who is Sheik's dermatologist, and is he a quack, whoever he is? Can Gorons learn how to swim? What is the answer to 2x= x/p-q+r/25? AND WHO IN THE HOLY HECK IS CAUSING ALL THIS TROUBLE? ARE THESE QUESTIONS WAY TOO OBVIOUS? AGGGGGGGHHHHH!

Anyway, find out the answers to a few of these questions next chapter of SOIS...

TO TELL THE TRUTH

-or-

TRUTH, JUSTICE, JELLO, AND COWS!