Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors
by Galaxy Girl

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: HOW I DID IT- BY DINGLEDORF M.M.F. DRAGMIRE III -or- THE TRUTH COMES OUT!

Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda. (Hey, nice disclaimer, huh?)



Hey, it's me again! LL! OK anyway, last chapter, Link and I were all ready to go and fight the bad guy and save the Author Sages... when he decided to go talk to Zelda. We learned that none of the Sages had any idea that Ganondorf had escaped... Terribly mysterious! After that, we battled the six Author Sotay, with the help of the Author Sages. Finally, we were allowed to enter the room where the bad guy was lurking... and we found out that it wasn't Ganondorf, but some guy named Dingledorf! WHAT A GOOFY NAME! HEE HEE HEE!



"Your name..." paused Link, "Is... Dingledorf?"
"YESSSS!" screamed Dingledorf. "NOW do you finally get it?"
"Dingledorf." I repeated.
"YES! Dingledorf!"
"Dingledorf..." said Yumi.
I looked at Yumi. She looked at Link. Link looked back at me.
We all burst out laughing so hard we almost cried.
"AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA! DINGLEDORF! AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!"
"What's so FUNNY?" shrieked Dingledorf. "Do you find my name amusing?"
"YES!" squealed Yumi between giggles.
Dingledorf's blue face turned red. "I don't think it's funny!"
He stood there, staring at us as we cracked up, and finally he stomped his foot.
"STOP IT OR I'LL SET OFF THE VIRUS RIGHT NOW!" he screamed.
We stopped.
"What's up with you? Quit joking around now. Where's Ganondorf?" asked Link.
"In the Sacred Realm where you left him, stupid!" Dingledorf shot back.
Link gasped. "You mean... YOU? You're the evil genius who started this whole thing?"
"YES! I am!" laughed Dingledorf maniacally. "And in a mere thirteen minutes, everything will be MY WAY! The way I want it to be! AAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
"But... who are you?" I asked.
"I thought you'd never ask," said Dingledorf. He floated up into the air and began a really long story.

"My name is Dingledorf Miltonia Melvin Farnsworth Dragmire III. I was born in Gerudo Valley not long after Ganondorf, and when we were growing up, he would always make fun of my name!"
"Wait a sec," said Yumi. "You knew Ganondorf?"
"Of course I knew my own brother!" snorted Dingledorf.
"You're BROTHERS?" gasped Link. "He never said anything about you!"
"That's because I was the disgrace of the family name!" Dingledorf screamed. "No one was afraid of me because of my goofy name! Even though in Gerudo it means something like, 'Big Tough Handsome Stud Who Could Break My Arm With His Little Finger Should He So Desire'!"
"So that's a reason for you to destroy the world?" I yelled.
"NO! Not destroy it!" Dingledorf yelled. "You see, since Ganondorf was the older brother, he was naturally destined for the Gerudo throne... I was a poor lost little loser with no chance at a life at all!"
"But..." Link pondered. "Aren't male Gerudos only born every 100 years?"
"We're identical twins, smart guy!" Dingledorf shouted. "He was only three minutes older than me! THREE MINUTES! And that means he gets to rules the world! NO FAIR!"
"So why don't you ask him to share it with you?" I asked. "Sharing is good,"
"Shut up and let me finish! Anyway, since Ganondorf was going to get the Gerudo throne anyway... one day, when we were 15, I told Ganondorf that I wanted to fight him on the Gerudo field of honor for the throne! The winner would be the king, and the loser... the loser got tossed over the Gerudo Valley bridge and banished from Gerudo Valley forever!"
"So what happened to make you all PO'ed?" asked Yumi.
"We were jousting on horseback... Then it was going to be a sword fight once we both fell off of our horses! Well anyway, I got Ganny-Poo off of his horse first... and then I jumped off and we were sword fighting..."
"Well there's your first mistake," Link said. "You should have taken him down on horseback!"
"Don't correct me!" yelled Dingledorf in a wimpy voice. "Anyway... I was just about ready to beat him, and then you know what he did? He yelled, 'Hey look, Dingy-Poo! It's that hot chick Nabooru you love so much!' and he pointed away from me..."
"Oh, don't say that you..." I stammered.
"I DID! I LOOKED! And he stood up, grabbed the waistband of my underwear and pulled it all the way over my head!" shrieked Dingledorf dementedly.
"Ooooh... Atomic Wedgie..." I groaned. "The horror..."
"Everyone was laughing at me, and then Ganondorf tied my underwear over my head, dragged me off to the bridge, and... WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO- SPLASH!" wailed Dingledorf, waving his hands to show us exactly what had happened.
"Ouch," said Link.
"Owie Wowie..." I murmured.
"Pain..." Yumi sighed.
"You bet! Amazingly, I survived my fall and I lived on a small ledge by the river eating fish and making clothes out of the leftovers."
"Ewwww..." the three of us groaned.
Dingledorf looked at the ceiling and thought for a minute. "For 20 long years I lived by the river, surviving off of the few plants that grew there and stuff that people threw over the side... all this time, plotting my revenge on my brother... Finally, one day, someone threw a book over the side of the river, and luckily, I caught it before it floated away."
"What was it?" asked Yumi.
"'Magic Spells For the Evil at Heart'," Dingledorf laughed maniacally. "I read it, and studied it attentively! Finally, I learned every spell in the book, including one that could make me fly! I escaped my riverside prison, and I scampered away to a secluded hut in the middle of the Haunted Wasteland."
"Um, excuse me, Dingledorf but..." said Link.
"QUIET, MORTAL!" screamed Dingledorf. "So, from that hut, I plotted my revenge on my brother... I now had the power to do it, and I was just waiting for an opportunity. Finally, one day, I packed up all of my stuff, and marched back into the valley. I was ready to get my revenge on my big dumb brother!"
No one said anything. Dingledorf laughed maniacally for a few seconds, then continued. "OK, anyway, when I got to the valley, nobody remembered me. I asked where the leader of the Gerudos was. They pointed me to a door on the right, and when I went in there, I was shocked to find..."
"GANONDORF?" gasped Yumi.
"No. NABOORU! THE GIRL I'D HAD A CRUSH ON FOREVER!" Dingledorf whined. "I asked her where Ganondorf had gone, and she told me that Ganondorf had been banished to the Sacred Realm forever by the six Sages of Hyrule and the Hero of Time, Link!"
"That's me," said Link proudly.
"I WAS FURIOUS!" Dingledorf cried. "I was absolutely ticked! I had wanted to get Ganondorf myself! Then Nabooru went on to tell me about how Ganondorf had actually taken over, but then Princess Zelda and the Hero of Time turned back time and locked him away where he could never try it again. I asked her for the exact date of when time had been reset, and she sighed and handed me an Ocarina of Time game cartridge, telling me that it was the history of Hyrule."
"So what did you do? Did you play the game?" I asked, rapt with interest.
"Play? No. I went to the library, borrowed a book about computer programming, and deciphered the whole game by myself!"
We stared at him.
"You know, you could have saved yourself a lot of time by just playing the game..." Link said, rolling his eyes.
"WELL NOW I KNOW THAT!" cried Dingledorf. "Let me finish!"

"I was fascinated by all the computer programming... and even better, it gave me an even better idea of how to get revenge on my worthless brother! I would create a virus... A virus so powerful that it would mess up the flow of time in Hyrule, returning it to the day ten years ago when Ganondorf took over Hyrule! A virus that would erase my brother from the game altogether and replace him with... ME!" grinned the evil genius.
"That's awful!" cried Yumi.
"Yes, isn't it?" sneered Dingledorf. "So, I worked for hours on my 'Reality Virus'... finally, it was complete! But then, I discovered something... Something that would ruin my whole plan!"
"The authors!" I cried.
"Yes, those miserable authors! They're more powerful than even my brother was... With a few strokes of the keyboard, they could destroy all that I had worked to create and rewrite the story! I knew that I had to get rid of them... So, I reprogrammed the virus to not only erase my brother from the story, but to also erase the author's memories! They couldn't do any harm if they though that they were part of the game!"
"You monster!" I screamed. "The authors didn't do anything to you! You just pulled thousands of innocent people into the game, and you were going to get rid of them!"
"Not WERE going to, I AM going to!" Dingledorf laughed. "In eleven minutes, the authors will all be part of the game permanently! You," he said, pointing to me, "Will not exist yet, and you," he said, pointing to Link, "Will be dead! I can't have you saving the day now, can I?"
Link glared at the evil guy. "We're going to stop you. Oh yes, we will."
"Us and the Author Sages!" Yumi cried.
"THE AUTHOR SAGES! I HATE THEM!" Dingledorf yelled.
"What about the monsters?" Link asked. "How did you create them? And how did you know who the Author Sages were so that you could kidnap them?"
"The monsters were easy!" cried Dingledorf. "I only had to think of something vile and awful, and BANG! It appeared in those old abandoned temples! The seven evilest, WORST things I thought of became the bosses! And I was watching you two the whole entire time!"
"THE WHOLE TIME?" I gasped.
"YES! And every time you met one of the Author Sages, I could sense that they had power... So I sent my minions to capture and brainwash them. I figured they couldn't do any harm if they were evil... Except to you two, that is. AND I CAME SO CLOSE TOO! But you and that stupid little Goron just HAD to rescue them ALL!" he yelled at Link.
"He is not stupid! He sure beat the crap out of your dumb Barney!" Link yelled.
"Oh, I KNOW!" Dingledorf whined. "And now you're here! And it's all because of that stupid, stupid Destiny! She knew about the virus seconds before I set it off the first time, and in that second, she picked the six Author Sages and you, you stupid Goron... She knew that you looked up to him, and that you were our best bet to be the Sage of Innocence! And now look at you! Quite the little warrior, aren't you?"
"Bet your butt, you big jerk!" I yelled.
"But not to worry," said Dingledorf, a little calmer. "It doesn't matter if you can become human or not. You're still just a stupid little Goron, and a Goron and a pretty-boy hero are no match for me."
I was hurt. Now THAT WAS MEAN!
"I may be a Goron," I said, "But I'm still a lot nicer AND smarter than you!"
Dingledorf just snickered at me and rolled his eyes. "All because of those few seconds and the draw of Destiny's cards, my plan has a fatal hole in it! But it'll only be fatal if the Authors can write me out of here!" Dingledorf snarled. "And I'll make sure that doesn't happen."

"We'll see about that," Link said. "Oh, by the way Dingledorf..."
"What?" he shot back.
"I know a way that ALL of that could have been prevented," Link replied "The evil spells, the 20 years by the river... everything."
"Oh yeah? HOW?" Dingledorf said, his hands on his hips.
"You could have just jumped into the river, floated down to the lake, and then walked back to Gerudo Valley. I've done it a thousand times. It's safe."
The Not-Quite-As-Evil brother of the Evil King of the Gerudos' eyes widened. He scratched his chin, and thought for a moment.
"Are you SERIOUS?" he gasped.
"Absolutely," said Link.
"AAAAAAAGGGGGH! HE'S RIGHT!" shrieked Dingledorf. "How could I have been so stupid? AAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!"
"Does that mean you'll forget about this crazy virus stuff?" I asked.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Now I want to set it off more than EVER!" Dingledorf waved his hands, and a large digital clock appeared on the wall of the temple. It read "T-10:00", and suddenly, it stared counting down. Very slowly, but still counting down.
"In ten minutes, every author will lose their memories forever!" Dingledorf laughed. "And I will be the King of the World! And even better, you, you pain-in-the-patoot sword-wielding skirt boy and you, you rocks-for-brains mineral munching moron, are going to be GONE! OFF THE FACE OF THE EARTH!"
"Bring it on, Sissy-Mary!" I cried.
"Don't mind if I do!" Dingledorf yelled back, charging up a nasty-looking fire bolt. "Say your prayers, you pests!"



... Wow... What an idiot. Gee, after all the suspense, you'd expect the bad guy in SOIS to be like, Ganondorf or some evil sorceress or something like that. But it's just some sap with a funny name who is related to an evil genius... Huh. Well, I guess we'll have to go through with it anyway! But you finally know who caused the virus and why! And now, all that's left is to find out if Link and LL/Doseki can, with the help of Yumi and the Author Sages, banish this brainless brief-wearin' behemoth away forever! Oh, that and the answer to 2x= x/p-q+r/25*.
Stay totally tuned for the big fight scene in the next chapter:

BATTLE WITH THE BRAINLESS BRIEF-WEARIN' BEHEMOTH

-or-

DINGLEDORF: DA DUMBNIK DUDE OF DOOM!


*WAIT A SEC! WAIT A SEC! The answer to 2x=x/p-q+r/25 is:

2x (25) = rp-q!

(It's simplified! There's not enough information to totally solve it! Whew... That's the first, and LAST time I put equations into my stories... )