Sage of Innocence Saga- or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors
by Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER NINETEEN: BATTLE WITH THE BRAINLESS BRIEF-WEARIN' BEHEMOTH! -or- DINGLEDORF: DA DUMBNIK OF DOOM
Disclaimer: Hey, this is kinda the next to last chapter... so I'm going to try and make this short so you can get right to the action. I don't own Zelda, I don't own any of the places, characters (Except for Dingledorf, Galaxy Girl, and Doseki), or authors in this fic.
Since these next chapters are kinda wrapping things up, I'd really like to thank all of you authors who volunteered yourselves to make SOIS funny with your brainwashed antics. I'd also like to thank all of the Author Sages, for not suing me for using your names over and over and over again, and for help with planning your chapters.
Now... guess what?
Not right away, maybe not for a few weeks now... but how would you guys like the idea of a SEQUEL to SOIS? If it sounds intriguing to you and you'd like to make a cameo (that's right! MORE cameos!) please leave a review with your pen name and TWO of your favorite Zelda characters from either N64 game. I'm not telling you what I have planned yet... but for your best shot at getting a cameo, leave your review now.
(Well, so much for making it short...)
And now... ON WITH THE STORY!
LL here, for the second to the last time! Last chapter was fairly uneventful. But we certainly learned a lot! We learned that... hey, there's way too much info last chapter to tell you here. Why don't you go and read it yourselves? I have a battle to go fight!
DINGLEDORF: Ganondorf's Not-Quite-As-Evil-As-Him-But-Wishes-He-Was Little Brother!
Let me tell you something, with that BFF (Big Freakin' Firebolt) in his hands, Dingledorf didn't look much like a stupid idiot anymore... Now he looked dangerous and mean.
"EIAAAEEEEEE!" I shrieked. "LINK, I CHANGED MY MIND!"
"TOO LATE!" he yelled back. He was on the defensive, with his eyes fixed on Dingledorf like a cat's eyes on a mouse.
Dingledorf wound up, and was ready to pitch the firebolt, when there was a little puff of smoke and the firebolt burnt out.
"Oh POO!" screamed Dingledorf. "Don't do this to me NOWWWWW!"
"Yumi! Yumi!" I cried.
"I'm right here," she said calmly.
"What's his weak spot, Yumi? What weapon will get him?" I asked quickly, eyeing the clock, which had just hit T-9:45.
"He doesn't have a weak spot!" Yumi replied.
"WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T HAVE A WEAK SPOT?"
"Think about it! Do YOU have a weak spot Doseki?"
"Uh... I'm ticklish under my arms."
"No! Think about it! With the other bad guys, the only way you could hurt them is if you hit their weak spot. But Dingledorf doesn't have one! He gets hurt no matter where you hurt him."
"Oh," I nodded. "All right Mr. Dingledorf... It's butt kicking time!"
Meanwhile, Dingledorf was snapping his fingers rapidly, trying to fire up another blast. "Oh... COME ON! I'm right in the middle of something important here! OH PANTYHOSE!"
Finally, the inept sorcerer produced a big burst of flame. "Ah! PERFECT!" He eyed Link. "It's about time someone put an end to your little crusades, bucko!"
"Too bad it won't be you!" Link retorted.
Dingledorf scowled, and pitched the bolt, whistling and crackling, right at Link!
I gasped, but there was no need to worry. Link was already far out of the way by the time it hit.
Wow... who knew he could run that fast?
"Let's see how you like these!" cried Link, pulling out his bow and a new kind of arrow. This arrow was glowing with a steady yellow light... Oh! Light Arrows! That rounded out the Fire/Ice/Light trio like with Cerena's rod.
He took careful aim, and fired at Dingledorf. The arrow hit him, and the glowing tip exploded into a burst of bright light.
"OWWWW! MY DERMATOLOGIST SAID THAT BRIGHT LIGHT IS BAD FOR MY COMPLEX-ION!" Dingledorf squealed.
"That's it, Link!" Yumi cried. "That's the way to do it!"
"All right, then I'll try that too!" I said, pulling out the Fire/Ice/Light pen.
I set the switch to the little sun symbol, and aimed it at Dingledorf.
But before I could fire, he charged up another firebolt and tried to blast me.
"YIKES!" I yelled, jumping out of the way.
Instead of me, the beam hit a wall... knocking a hole out of it.
Yumi and I stopped and stared at the gaping hole in the wall, and then at each other... I'm sure she was thinking about me laying there, smoking and charred...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!" I shrieked. "DID YOU SEE THAT?"
"I saw it, I saw it! Get a hold of yourself!" Yumi cried.
Suddenly, the air was filled with an orange glow and it began to get very warm...
"Get a hold of yourself and RUN!" Yumi screamed, shoving my head.
I raced to the left, and another fireball punched another big hole in the floor, this time.
"THIS IS NUTS!" I yelled.
"Oh believe me, we're JUST getting started!" Dingledorf giggled.
I raced around the room, and seconds later, smacked right into Link.
"AAGGGGH, DINGLEDORF!" I screamed.
"Doseki! Quit freaking out! You need to stay calm!" Link snapped sternly.
I sighed. "Don't scare me like that!"
"All right, look. This isn't getting us anywhere. We need to work together!" Link said. "Now. We need to get him to hold still, and then get him with either my Light Arrows or your Fire/Ice/Light Rod!"
"All right," I nodded.
"Good. Now, you distract him, and I'll get ready to attack."
"ME DISTRACT?" I gasped. "WHY ME?"
"Because, you're the one attracting the most attention to yourself by running around screaming," Link replied.
Then we split up again.
I turned my attention back to the center of the room towards Dingledorf, and I gasped. He was GONE!
I froze. He had to be around here somewhere... But where?
"Yumi..." I whispered. "Where did he go?"
Yumi didn't answer.
"... Yumi?" I said, turning around very slowly.
Well, I didn't see Yumi behind me, but I did see a big dark shadow standing on the wall.
"SURPRISE!" screamed Dingledorf, grabbing me by the collar.
"AYYYYY!" I yelled in surprise.
The not-as-evil-as-expected bad guy was walking on the wall! He lifted me by the collar and held me up off the ground.
"I've waited a long time to get a hold of you!" sneered Dingledorf.
"Let me go!" I yelled. "Or I'll do this!"
Yanking out the Fax Machine O' Randomness, I pressed the little red button.
A single, clean white sheet of 8-by-11-inch paper shot out of the machine and sliced Dingledorf across his ski-jump sized nose.
"OW!" he screamed, grabbing his nose with both hands and dropping me.
Ow... that's not nice...
"OOOOOOO THAT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY HOW MUCH THAT HURTS!" shrieked Dingledorf, grabbing a small roll of toilet paper and tearing off a little piece to stick on his wound.
I stood up and backed away. Dingledorf turned in my direction and sneered.
"Where do you think YOU'RE going, you rock-eating delinquent?" he shouted. With a snap of his fingers, the toiler paper roll caught on fire, and he hurled it at me with all the accuracy of an Olympic shot-put athlete.
I jumped out of the way, and looked around the room worriedly.
T-9:08...
"YUMI!" I yelled. "WHERE ARE YOU?"
There was no answer. I did hear another bout of hideous laughter behind me, and I moved just in time to avoid another roasted roll of TP from Ganondorf's little brother.
"All right!" I cried, "Enough is enough! Now I'm going to teach you a lesson for what you did to all the authors!"
"OOH! I'm shaking in my little high heeled boots!" Dingledorf whimpered sarcastically. Then he howled with laughter and whipped up a new spell.
A swirl of orange rose up from the floor and it gathered into a huge orb in his hands. A black hole-like center appeared, and started to suck in all the rest of the orange glow (Uh, the magic... not the cleaning solution).
Good grief, where's Link when you need him?
"Try this on for size!" Dingledorf screamed. "BLACK HOLE!"
I felt an extreme force tugging on me to go towards Dingledorf. I knew that it was the big black ball of nothingness in his hands.
"Come here, little one! Let's see how thick that skin of yours REALLY is!"
"JEEEEEZ, enough with the discriminatory Goron jokes!" I cried.
My feet were lifting up from under me... Uh oh...
"INNOCENCE MEDALLION, RETURN!" I yelled.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I hit the ground again. "Booyah, Grandpa!" I laughed. "You'll need a little stronger magic than that to lift 600 pounds!"
Dingledorf sneered, and more orange glowy-stuff started to rise up out of the floor, joining the circle of blackness.
I felt my feet lifting up off the floor.
"Oh crap..." I said. "Me and my big, fat mouth..."
Just when I thought I would lift up and fly into Dingledorf's clutches, I heard a cry from behind me.
"Take this, you Southern-fried freak!"
A blast of bright yellow light flew up from over my head, and smashed into Dingledorf, slamming him against the wall.
"OUCHIES!" he grunted.
The black hole disappeared, and I was once again on the ground.
"Thanks Link!" I yelled to my partner, who came running up beside me.
"Now it's MY turn to be the decoy," he said glumly.
I grinned, curled up, and rolled away.
T-8:34...
"You boys are REALLY starting to tick me off!" squealed Dingledorf. "Well, let's see how you enjoy this little number!"
I rolled off to a far corner of the room and stood up. Now he was going to get it...
"Innocence Medallion, Transform!" I said quietly.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I watched intently as Dingledorf charged up a black orb of power, and then acted like he was going to throw it at Link.
Link ducked, and then Dingledorf turned the orb on himself. But when it hit him, he disappeared!
Link froze like I had. He looked around.
"Hey DOSEKI!" he cried. "Where'd he go?"
"I don't know!" I shrugged. "Where did YUMI go?"
Link didn't have time to answer me, though. Suddenly, he was lifted into the air and he began to rise all the way up to the ceiling.
"HEY!" he yelled. "DINGLEDORF! Get yer hairy mitts off me!"
I heard Dingledorf's familiar sinister laughter, and then I watched in horror as Link went slamming to the ground.
"OWW!" he screamed.
Man... he DID hit hard! There was a cloud of marble dust rising up from the floor.
"LINK!" I cried. "Are you all right?"
I ran over towards him. "No! Don't!" he yelled.
"What? AAGH! HEY!"
He was riiiiiiight...
Dingledorf was now lifting ME up over everything, and I was going to slam down, too!
"Hey, let go!" I yelled, kicking. At the time I wasn't really thinking about what would have happened if I did kick him and he dropped me.
I looked down fearfully. Link pulled himself up out of the big indent of him, and stared dizzily up at me. "Kodeski!" he yelled. Wow, he really did hit hard.
The air suddenly got very cold, and Dingledorf appeared right next to me, his big evil hand right around my neck.
"Say goodnight, little guy!" he laughed, and then I went flying backwards.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- OUCH!"
I hit the wall hard. So hard that I felt the wall give way behind me, leaving a big indent of me in the wall.
Dingledorf's hand released my neck and I leaned forward, crashing to the ground headfirst with a major migraine.
T-8:14...
I didn't want to move at all... I felt like I had been run over by a very large truck.
I heard some more explosions and yelling, but I didn't want to move and see whom they came from.
A hit that hard would have killed any normal person... But Doseki was definitely not a normal person.
Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice.
"DOSEKI! Doseki! Get up!"
I lifted my head slowly and spied Yumi's familiar purple flashing.
"Yumiiiii..." I groaned. "You Earth on have where been?"
"I was up by the clock, trying to find some way to rewire it or something to give us more time!" Yumi shrugged. "But it's impossible! It would take someone like Stephen Hawking to even have a clue about how to fix it!"
"Move can't I..." I mumbled hazily.
"You have to! I know it's hard, and you feel like you just want to lie down and take a nap, but you can't! Look at Link. He needs help!"
My double vision was making it difficult, but I could make out Link over at the far end of the room, engaged in a battle with Dingledorf. It was apparently Dingledorf's weak point. He was covering his face with one hand and weakly punching with the other. Link, sword in one hand and shield in the other, was slashing away at the wannabe Gerudo king's armor.
"You're right..." I muttered, standing up. I knew I was liable to fall over any second, but I had no choice.
"That's it!" Yumi cheered. "Remember? DOOT DOO DOO DOOT DOO DOOOOOO!"
"Mayonnaise!" I shouted. I was still a little dizzy, remember?
"Close enough," Yumi said, rolling her eyes.
I shook off the dizziness, and then stared angrily at Dingledorf. "Hey Yumi..." I said. "What would you suggest?"
Yumi scratched her chin, and pulled the Energy Pen out of my pocket. "This should be fun!"
I nodded.
"Will you QUIT HITTING ME?" Dingledorf shrieked at Link, who was in a full swing of rage.
"Not until you're as dead as your brother should be by now!" Link yelled back.
"I can help with that!" I cried, loading up a blast in the Energy Pen and firing it.
POW!
Dingledorf went flying across the room and smashed into the wall, leaving yet another indentation.
"Boy, they need to reinforce these walls," Yumi said, shaking her head.
Dingledorf stood up again and took to the air. "I thought I said enough hitting me!"
POW!
Dingledorf, extremely angry, pulled himself out of yet another dent in the wall in the shape of him. "That's it. You try that one more time, and..."
POW!
This time, Dingledorf went totally through the wall, creating a new Dingledorf-shaped door into the Temple of Time.
We stood there for a minute, hearing some cussing from outside, and then we heard stomping coming from the first room of the temple.
"Wow, this thing packs a big punch!" Link commented, studying the Energy Pen carefully. "Thanks for that help, I don't know how long I could have kept going."
Suddenly, the Door of Time slid open again, revealing a mud-soaked, glowing black, very, VERY angry Dingledorf.
"Playtime's over!" Dingledorf screamed. "Now I'm going to get rid of you two pests like I should have at the beginning of all this!"
"Oh, like we haven't heard THAT before." Link said, rolling his eyes, but still on guard. "Toast him, Doseki."
I aimed the Energy Pen and fired, but something bad happened. Instead of Dingledorf taking the blast of light, it seemed to vanish when it got near him.
"Huh?" Link gasped.
"OH NO!" Yumi cried. "LOOK OUT, GUYS!"
The black glow around Dingledorf seemed to have gotten thicker. The wannabe evil king held out his hands, gathered an orb of blackness, and fired it with the same power as a blast of the Energy Pen!
POW!
This time, it was Link who went smashing into the wall.
"Don't do that again, Doseki!" Yumi warned me.
But I guess Dingledorf still had some power left over. He formed another black orb, and I made a noise that only a guy about to be hit with a giant evil black blast of magic that he accidentally helped create makes.
WHAM!
(That was me, crashing once again into the wall of the Temple of Time)
I had dropped the Energy Pen when I got hit, but I wasn't thinking of that now. I was thinking about how bad that CRUNCH noise from my wrist had sounded when it hit the wall...
"Doseki!" Yumi cried, zipping over to me. "Hurry! You have to move!"
"...bleeaaaaaah..." I mumbled.
All of a sudden, I moved. Well actually, I didn't move, but my entire body did!
"HUH? What the..."
I got my answer pretty quick, when I once again went sailing through the air, this time crashing right into Link, who was also floating.
Dingledorf sat in the air (If you can imagine that) waving his hands about and sending Link and me crashing all over the room.
Soon we were both floating in the air, too dizzy to really do anything about it.
"Well, well, well... I bet you didn't expect this problem," Dingledorf said calmly, causing my arm to fly up and smack Link upside the head.
"HEY!" he yelled.
"It's not my fault!" I wailed.
Then Link's foot went flying upwards, kicking me right in the face and leaving him hanging upside down in the air.
"OW!" I whined.
"Dingledorf, you coward!" Link screamed. "You're too afraid to fight us, so you make us fight each other?"
"Hey... I was planning to get you myself but now that you mention it, there's something deliciously EVIL about that plan!" Dingledorf giggled maniacally.
I felt my belt get lighter, and I saw my hand gripping the Little Giant tightly, holding it just horizontal with Link's neck.
"Hey!" I yelled. "That's not my hand moving!"
"I know, but it certainly looks that way, doesn't it?" Dingledorf giggled. "And the best part is, you get to feel guilty about killing your hero!"
Both of our eyes widened.
My hand pulled back and I screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Suddenly, there was a purple flash and my hand dropped the sword.
Good ol' Yumi! She had flown in quickly and snatched the sword from my hand before Dingledorf made me do something I would regret.
Then she pulled back with all her strength, and chucked the double-sided sword at the bad guy, smacking him in the face with the handle, unfortunately. But it was enough distraction to cause Dingledorf to take off the spell, sending Link and me crashing to the ground.
T-7:01...
"We got just under seven minutes!" Yumi cried when Link and I got up.
"Right... if that punk tries that again..." Link muttered.
"Just keep moving and he shouldn't be able to grab a hold of you!" Yumi said. "Doseki just lost his sword, but it's all right..."
"And I dropped the Energy Pen too!" I said.
"Too bad... that seemed to do such a good job!" Yumi groaned. "All right... time for Plan B!"
"What is Plan B?" I asked, watching Dingledorf stomp towards us out of the corner of my eye.
"I'll tell you when I think of it..." Yumi mumbled. "SPLIT!"
The three of us scattered, and Dingledorf began what I assume was another new spell.
Dingledorf's fists started glowing, and he charged up a huge black orb-type thing.
"I've had enough of you two already!" he squealed.
POW! Blast after blast after blast of huge fiery black stuff went flying all over the room, and it was all Link or I could do to keep the heck away from it.
Finally, I decided to rely on another of my trusty weapons to attempt to dispatch the Dragmire.
I saw him turn in my direction and I quickly grabbed the DDR Wand and emitted a barrier to protect myself from his blasts.
Dingledorf stared at me in shock when he saw that I wasn't sprawled out on the floor after the first blast hit. He fired wave after wave of blasts, all of them being absorbed into the DDR Wand like water into a sponge.
He didn't see Link come up behind him with another couple of Light Arrows.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Dingledorf blew me off in favor of the guy who had just bopped him three with the Light Arrows just as the DDR pad barrier wore off.
T-6:37...
Link was blocked up in a corner, with his trusty Mirror Shield barely absorbing the black blasts of Dingledorf.
Hey, that would make a good book title... "The Black Blasts of Dingledorf..." Well, maybe if we changed Dingledorf's name to something a little scarier...
Oh. Off the subject kinda, huh? Well anyway, Link was counting on his Mirror Shield to help him out now, but I knew that he couldn't stay in that corner forever with all the energy that Dingledorf was packing.
I decided that I was feeling brave, and I knew that it was stupid, but my plan would give Link enough time to charge up a really good attack.
It would also be kinda painful...
With the Black Emotion Dagger in one hand and the Spiral Bracelet ready to activate, I shook my head and said my prayers as I scampered towards Dingledorf.
Then I yelled, "Hey stupid! Check me out!"
As soon as Dingledorf stopped blasting and tried to turn around I activated the bracelet. Everything slowed down except for me as I ran and jumped into the air, aiming the dagger right at Dingledorf and firing it.
By the time the bracelet wore off, Dingledorf was already on the floor reeling from the dagger's attack.
Link blinked in disbelief at how fast I had gone, and then wasted no time in emptying his Light-Arrow notched bow right at Dingledorf.
The arrow tore a big hole in his bright pink cape. Dingledorf growled and stood up again.
"I THOUGHT I SAID that it was time for you two to DIE!" he screamed.
"You know what they say: You can't keep a good hero down!" I said triumphantly.
That comment seemed to enrage Dingledorf, as he turned away from Link and took to the air, heading right for me!
"In that case," he said sinisterly, "I won't have a big problem taking you down... and keeping you there!"
I backed up and ran. I could hear him right behind me, though...
That's when I saw the Little Giant lying uselessly on the ground near the Door of Time where Dingledorf had dropped it.
If I could make it in time, I could use it to protect myself.
I ran as fast as I could, but Dingledorf was definitely gaining.
Finally, I leaped at the sword like a baseball player heading for home plate, skidding once I hit the ground and snatching it up.
I half-twisted just as Dingledorf flew right over me. I held up the Little Giant, stopping him in his tracks before he grabbed me.
"Very good, little Goron..." he snickered. "But let's see if you can really use that thing!"
He screamed and jumped at me. I rolled out of the way and onto my feet.
Oh boy... I had never really tried out swordplay before... Could I do it now when it really mattered?
"EEEAAAAAIIEEEE!" I squealed as Dingledorf came running at me again.
He got ready for a punch, but I smacked him with the sword before he dared to try it. Dingledorf recoiled and kicked me cruelly in the gut.
I went flying, but luckily I held onto the sword.
"LINK! HELP!" I yelled, blocking another kick from Dingledorf.
"Hold still so I can hurt you!" Dingledorf screamed.
A whoosh of light flew through the air and struck Dingledorf in the back. The Evil-wannabe winced and leaned forward, and I saw Link running up behind him.
"Pick on someone your own size!" he yelled, bringing Dingledorf into another sword and fistfight.
T-5:52...
Yumi flew up beside me. "All right Doseki... You're doing good so far. But we barely have six minutes left! You've got to hurry up!" she said.
"I think I have another idea..." I said, "But I'm not sure if it will work..."
"Only one way to find out!" Yumi shrugged. "I'm still thinking of Plan B..."
"It's all right..." I answered. "We've hit Dingledorf plenty of times... he's got to be weakening a LITTLE."
I didn't know how wrong I was at the time.
"It's time to take things into smaller, yellow and tan hands!" I cried. "Innocence Medallion, Return!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I hit the ground and rolled right up to Dingledorf. It was time to handle things the Goron-warrior way!
Just as I neared him, I leaped into the air and came down HARD on his foot!
"OWWWW!" he shrieked, leaping out of the way. He jumped up and down and rubbed his foot.
"Good one, LL!" Link grinned.
"Oh, isn't that just ADORABLE?" Dingledorf screamed. "Well I don't feel bad taking out a Goron, either!"
"We'll see about that," I said, donning the Innocence Mask.
Hey, I bet you totally forgot about that, didn't you?
Dingledorf's eyes widened and he stared at me. "Awww... what a sweet little face! You're a cute little guy, you know that?"
"A cute little guy who's ready to kick your arse!" I cried, rolling after him again.
I threw myself into the air and landed right on top of the awed evil guy, slamming down again and again.
"OW! How sweet! OW! How cute!" Dingledorf grunted. "OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! NOT NICE! But you're so adorable! OW! OW! OW!"
I rolled off and yelled to Link, "I'll be back in a sec! Get him!"
Link wasted no time in beating up on the bad guy while I got ready for my next Goron attack!
I was ready for the ancient secret attack of the Gorons... the spike roll! It's a known fact about Gorons that if you know how to do it and if you can roll fast enough, it's actually possible to grow spikes out of your back and use them to kick major butt!
I rolled around for a bit, and then I finally felt strong enough to pull it off. Let's see how Dingledorf liked THIS little number!
I turned in his general direction, made sure that I wouldn't hit Link, and rolled as fast as I could towards him. I felt a little heavier, and I knew that was because of the "Ancient Goron Secret Attack!"
"HIIIIIYAH!" I screamed, hurling myself through the air and crashing into Dingledorf, who had just stood up.
We both went flying backwards, and only stopped when we had crashed into another wall.
I ricocheted off and hit the ground, unrolling and sending the Innocence Mask to the floor.
Dingledorf stood up veeeeerrryyyyy slowly, and turned to me, still dizzy and kind of weak from the attack (we both were).
"Grrrrrr..." he growled. "I've had enough of you!"
"Likewise," I mumbled.
The evil guy stomped towards me and I knew that I was in trouble.
"Uh... uh..." I said blankly, trying to back away.
Suddenly, my hand touched something.
Dingledorf stood over me with a huge blast of energy, ready to fry my little Goron head off. "TIME TO SAY GOODBYE!" he yelled.
"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it before," I said, grabbing the Energy Pen, loading it, and firing another giant blast at Dingledorf, sending him right back into the wall.
T-5:00...
"Lucky for that!" I whistled, as Link and Yumi raced over to see if I was OK.
"Turn back now, LL. It's time for us to finish this once and for all!" Link snickered.
"Innocence Medallion, Transform!" I said proudly.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Not quite yet, Link..." Yumi said worriedly. "He's still too strong for the Author Sages to get!"
"Look at him!" Link cried, pointing at the rather pathetic form of Dingledorf, pulling himself out of the big hole in the wall that he had landed in.
"He's still too strong, Link. You have to keep going... and hopefully he's near the end!" Yumi sighed.
We turned back to him to decide what to do with him... Er, we would have, but he was gone.
"Where... where did he go?" I asked.
Suddenly, Link and I were up in the air again. We found that we couldn't move!
"Oh no!" Yumi gasped.
We both spun around (well WE didn't, Dingledorf spun us around) and saw Dingledorf come strolling along, also in the air. He was grunting and sweating and panting like a mad man.
"I... have had it!" he snarled. "I'm sick of YOU!" he said, pointing at Link. "I'm sick of YOU!" he said, pointing at me. "I have absolutely lost it with YOU!" he said, pointing at Yumi. "And I've had it up to here with you two panty brains trying to ruin my plan!"
He sent the two of us flying backwards and we hit the wall. We didn't go through it this time, but we remained stuck there like flies on flypaper.
"Now you listen and you listen good!" Dingledorf growled, coming towards us again. "My virus WILL go off in four and a half minutes... The authors WILL all become part of the game forever... I WILL replace my brother as the evil king of the Gerudo... I WILL restart time in Hyrule..." And he pitched his voice very low (As low as he probably could, which was still pretty high) for this next one: "And I WILL kill you both... NOW!"
He grabbed Link around the throat with his left hand and squeezed. HARD. Link turned bright red and tried to fight him off.
Yumi yelled and smacked into Dingledorf's head, but Dingledorf swatted her to the ground like a bug.
Link's eyes were popping out now.
"Stop it!" I screamed. "Stop it! Let him go!"
Dingledorf turned to me and spoke surprisingly calmly. "Now I understand why HE wants to stop me... But it's you that I don't get!" He loosened his grip on Link, who coughed.
"Wh... what do you mean?" I asked fearfully.
"You have no reason to fight me. I am the one who can make all your dreams come true!" Dingledorf sneered. "Don't think I don't know what you're thinking right now. GG... your girlfriend! You know that she's not going to want to date you forever! Get real! A lovely, promising young human girl like that... dating a rock-eating video game character?"
A knot formed in my stomach.
"You know that sooner or later GG's not going to care about you anymore... Because she'll want a real man! A human man, for that matter! And you can't follow through with that, now can you? Sure, there's always that handsome young man that you discovered just one week ago today... But there's always going to be a part of you that remains a Goron!"
He moved his right finger, and my sleeve went up, showing the tattoo.
"You know, it's not too late. All you have to do is abandon this loserly hero dork and join me... I can still change the virus. It could make your wish come true... You could be a human! Just like her!" Dingledorf whispered. "That tattoo... your past... your father and your family... heck, even your love of rocks could be gone! Just like that!" He snapped his fingers.
I gasped. "What?! Why would you do that?"
"You're actually quite a charming young boy... It would be a shame if you became a hero and I had to get rid of you like I will have to with him!" He motioned to Link, who was staring at me worriedly. "And I've never really had a son, either..."
Ewww... Now there's a revolting idea. Doseki Dragmire, son of DINGLEDORF. But the man had a point...
"Don't be silly. What does this life promise you? Nothing! Oh sure... you could stay the way you are... growing up in a cave on a mountain... eating rocks... rolling down cliffs every once and a while... maybe taking over the rule when your father gets older... But look at all you'd be missing! A REAL body! A REAL brain! Even a chance at her!"
Dingledorf smiled smugly, and stared at Link. "And look at him. The HERO business... what a waste of time! Even he could tell you that he hates it. And if you change your mind and see things the way I do, you'd see that it's pointless... because evil will always be around. You'll never totally complete your job."
The scary thing about it was that I knew that Dingledorf was right.
Link hated his job. He hated the fact that he had to drop everything important to him and rush out every time a monster or a villain or a curse or a virus decided to show up... And who knew if he'd even survive the encounter? He hated the fact that everyone was depending on him, and that he was the only one who could follow through for them. And he hated the fact that he'd never really be able to settle down with a wife and children... Because he'd always be leaving again sooner or later to fight evil again.
GG couldn't be my girlfriend forever. She would get older, and so would I. She would get married to someone else, and so would I. She'd have kids, and so would I. She needed to grow up and be an author, like she wanted. I needed to grow up and take over rule of the Death Mountain Gorons. I was just a friend... a brother-like figure, if you like... I knew it couldn't last.
And a Goron's life wasn't the best. A simple life at best, living isolated from other races and people on your own little mountaintop... venturing down when you needed milk or bread or the latest release from Hyrule Video. A Goron hardly ever grew up to be anything special.
But to be human... To forget everyone and everything important me in exchange for a new body, a new family, and a new life... but also a chance at GG. Or any other girl I wanted?
But could I really do that to myself, and to my dad? Let's face it... I was his pride and joy. I was the sun in his life. Since my mom had disappeared, my dad was lonely and sad... I was the only part of her he had left, and he was determined to keep me happy. Now, after all he'd done for me, could I just throw in the towel and abandon him?
Dingledorf was staring at me with those sinister eyes. If I said yes, I'd never have to worry about being killed by a monster ever again. Because I'd be just as much a monster as him. Because I'd given up.
But it sounded so great... I'd never have to be afraid again. Me and my bad old Dingledorf daddy would rampage around, killing everything in sight and torturing thousands... Laughing the whole way. Who knows, I might even be responsible for killing someone I really cared about, like Link or Dad or GG. But I wouldn't care anyway.
Not care? That doesn't sound like me!
It would be you, if you said yes.
But how could I be so selfish? If I said yes, I would not only throw myself into Dingledorf's alternate reality, I would throw thousands of innocent people. The Authors! What about them? What about their families and their lives?
I thought about a cartoon I'd seen where a guy had to make a big decision and two little versions of himself, a devil and an angel appeared on his shoulder and argued.
"What are you waiting for? Say yes, you big idiot!" laughed Devil LL. "Doesn't that sound great?"
"Are you CRAZY? How could you do that to your dad and your friends and your whole world? You wouldn't DARE!" said Angel LL.
"Oh puh-lease. That guy is such a fruit... He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. But why would you do that when you could pick the path that ROCKS?" Devil LL giggled.
"ROCKS! There's another thing you'd miss! Come on! I think it's obvious what to say," Angel LL said, rolling his eyes.
OK, so there was really no angel or devil anywhere. It was all in my head.
Yes...
No!
Yes!
No!
Human!
Goron!
Human!
Goron!
Yes!
No!
Human!
GORON!
I think the answer was pretty obvious. Yes. Very obvious.
"Well?" Dingledorf asked wickedly.
I gazed over at Link, Dingledorf's hand still around his neck, but not squeezing. He was watching me intently, wondering what I would say.
Oh man. After ALL of that, the temples and the monsters and stuff, he actually thought I would abandon him and my dad for the promise of a new life?
"No," I said.
"WHAT?"
"I said NO!" I yelled. "I wouldn't give up my body, my friends, my family OR my heritage for ANYONE or ANYTHING, and ESPECIALLY if it meant letting YOU be king! And the thought of you as my dad truly, truly makes me feel sick!"
Dingledorf looked taken aback.
(Heh, scared you there for a second, huh? Obviously I said no. If I said yes, you wouldn't be here reading this right now, would you?)
I had strongly considered dropping everything and giving in. I really had. It all sounded so great...
And I know that I would have, if it weren't for one thing.
Dingledorf wasn't right.
Link didn't like his job all the time, but I know him, and I know that he wouldn't exchange it for anything in the world.
GG couldn't be my girlfriend forever, but we could be friends as long as we wanted. And giving up my Goron-hood for her would be pointless. She wouldn't be GG anymore, anyway... She'd return to being Fianna, the caffeinated blade salesgirl.
A Goron's life may not be glamorous, but it was the life for me.
And as for leaving everything behind... I wouldn't trade my body, my brain, my memories, my heritage, and especially I wouldn't trade my father for anything else, EVER. Period.
Sure, this life wasn't perfect. I didn't know my mother, where she was, and if she would ever come back. I wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. And for gosh sakes, I ate ROCKS. That would make every dinner banquet I would ever attend a difficult thing. But the point is that it was MY life, and it was MY responsibility to make it as darn cool as I could.
"And for the last freakin' time, I AM A GORON!" I screamed.
"You're a Goron all right. A stupid, thickheaded Goron. You just passed up on the chance of a lifetime. I hope you're proud of yourself," Dingledorf said cruelly. "Now I'll get to enjoy watching you slowly choke to death."
And then I found his right hand around MY neck, squeezing MY air off and trying to kill ME.
I knew for some reason that he had Link in the same strangle hold as me.
But something had just happened... I could move my foot freely... In all his rage, Dingledorf had forgotten to hold the spell that kept Link or me from moving! He was holding us up by himself now!
Oh yeah... I knew JUUUUUUUST what to do...
"Innocence... Medallion... RETURN!" I choked out.
"What?" Dingledorf said confusedly.
Suddenly, the orange glow around me gave him his answer.
"Oh no... you didn't just..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Now, 200 and 175 pounds were probably not the easiest weights to hold up, but Dingledorf managed to hold both Link and me up, despite the 375 pounds weight. Unfortunately, he wasn't quite weight conditioned to carry a combined weight of 800 pounds, so he very quickly lost his grip on me and let me fall.
WOMP! I hit the ground painlessly, and then rolled far away from him.
"Yumi!" I yelled.
She had been watching helplessly from the ground, but now she stood up and zipped over to me.
"I'm so proud of you, LL! That took a lot of guts!"
"Link's not gonna last much longer!" I yelled.
I could hear him choking over Dingledorf's cries of, "I'll get you in a minute, you little pest!" and "Oh, you're such a punk! You're going to pay for this!"
"I've got your Plan B now, LL..." Yumi said. "I've seen this hundred of times before at the end of movies like this... All right. Now what you gotta do is..." She whispered in my ear, and I stood in awe of what I was hearing.
"I can really do THAT?" I gasped.
"The other Sages can, why can't you?"
I nodded. "OK... I'll try..."
"Yes, and you'd better hurry up!" Yumi hissed.
T-3:46...
At that second, Link and Dingledorf were duking it out. Well, Link was trying to, but he was half strangled and it was difficult.
"I promised... I'd protect him..." Link gagged.
"Looks like you're going to fall just a little short on that promise!" Dingledorf snarled. "You don't know how much satisfaction it's going to give me to see you die..."
"I'm not... giving up... that easy!" Link gagged again.
"I'd start considering surrender now if I were you..." Dingledorf replied wickedly.
"I... promised Darunia... he wouldn't... get hurt!" Link wheezed. "I promised... myself... I wouldn't... let him... get hurt!"
"Oops, sorry... guess you'll just have to send Darunia your sympathies that you couldn't protect his stupid little son!" Dingledorf laughed. "Oh, oops... I forgot. You'll be dead. You want me to do it for you? I'll send him a card... Along with a nice big blast aimed straight at his brainless Sage head!"
Link glared at him, and Dingledorf continued the insults. "And then I'll go for Nabooru... and Impa... and Ruto... and then the sweet little Princess Zelda... and then your little friend Saria! Ooh, that one struck a nerve, didn't it?"
"You can't... win..." Link snarled.
"I already did," Dingledorf laughed. "You were unconscious, but I just made a deal with your little friend over there that seals your fate, as well as the fate of the rest of Hyrule."
"Liar!" Link yelled.
"Why would I lie to you? He said yes, and I won! Finally, I, Dingledorf Miltona Melvin Farnsworth Dragmire III, have won! Not Ganondorf, not the hero, but ME! I won and you lost! I won and you lost!" sang Dingledorf. "I won and you-"
Suddenly, a brilliant glow filled up the room. Dingledorf saw the bright orange and yellow light on his captive's face, and he turned around, releasing his grip on Link.
Link stared towards the source of the light, and gasped half for the need to breathe and half in surprise when he saw who it was.
I stood, at the other end of the room, holding my medallion in my hands, surrounded by swirls of orange and yellowish light and a brilliant bubble of light.
The Innocence Medallion slowly faded into a bright orb of orange and yellow, and I stared at Dingledorf in rage.
"It's time for you to go where you belong!" I cried.
"WHAT? What's... What happened to you?" he yelled angrily. Then his blue face turned pale when he saw something behind me.
"YOU! But... you... him... you..."
I noticed that there was someone behind me too. But I didn't turn around to look, because I already knew who it was.
It was me, Doseki. Or at least an image of him.
We were both the same person. We were both the Sage of Innocence, and both of us had to get rid of this pest Dingledorf forever.
Two voices echoed through the temple as I spoke.
"This whole trip I've been afraid of you and your monsters. But now I know who you really are! You're a jerk! And a creep! But overall, more than anything else, you're a coward! But I'm not afraid anymore! I won't let you hurt my Brother Link OR my Dad OR the authors!"
"TWO OF THEM?" Dingledorf cried. "But that's impossible!"
"It's possible!" I said, and the other voice said it too. "And now we'll show you that it's possible that you can be defeated! And more or less, defeated by someone you hate! Somebody you're AFRAID of! ME!"
I was mad. I was angry. I was enraged.
Memories were flashing through my head. Voices that had spoken to me, voices that had ridiculed me. But they were all voices that I knew were wrong. Maybe that's why they made me so mad.
"LL, you're too young!"
"I thought you were talking to me! You mean I have to work with this little loon?"
**YOU FOOL! THERE ARE NO OTHER LITTLE LINKS OF THE GORONS. YOU ARE THE INNOCENCE SAGE.**
"Calm down! You're giving me a headache!"
"YOU IMBECILE! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT GG LIKES YOU AT ALL?"
"YOU IDIOT! GG WOULDN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH A FAT LITTLE MORON LIKE YOU!"
"GALAXY GIRL HATES YOU, AND SHE ONLY IS NICE TO YOU BECAUSE YOUR FATHER IS A SAGE!"
"YOU'RE SCRAWNY, AND STUPID, AND UGLY, AND NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD LIKE YOU! EVEN YOUR FATHER IS ASHAMED OF YOU!"
"YOU MIGHT AS WELL STAY IN YOUR CURRENT FORM! YOU SHOULD MOVE FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE, BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU PRICELESS EXCUSE FOR A DOLT! EVEN IF GG WERE HERE, SHE WOULDN'T LIKE YOU!"
"You idiot! I told you not to do it! Why don't you listen to me?"
"You're an idiot, and I can't believe that Destiny is forcing me to work with you!"
"Well, I don't see how working with you is going to accomplish anything!"
"Hey, move it, Goron Boy!"
"Eyes off, Rock Head! I told you, we only serve HUMANS!"
"Hey Gordo! Get a look at this! The kid thinks he's a Goron!"
"Hey Ernest, maybe he IS about as smart as a Goron!"
And Dingledorf... That scumbag...
"It doesn't matter if you can become human or not. You're still just a stupid little Goron, and a Goron and a pretty-boy hero are no match for me."
Well, now I was going to show him exactly what kind of a match a Goron and a pretty-boy hero were against him...
"Innocence..."
"Don't you get it yet? I've already won! There's nothing you can do!"
"...Medallion..."
"Hey! Cut it out! Or I'll come over there and mess you up good!"
I didn't stop. Dingledorf's eyes popped out. "Oh come on now! Let's talk this out... OK, so I lied! You didn't say yes, and yeah, I know I tried to kill you, but do we really have to end this in violence? I mean there's already so much violence in the world, and really, I didn't mean it! I won't hurt him! I won't hurt your dad or the authors or anyone! Oh, come on! The offer still stands you know... Now come on, little guy... Just put down the big nasty-looking blast of energy... PLEASE? Oh, come on! Please! I'll do anything! OK, well almost anything... You want me to put him down? OK then, fine! You put down that nasty energy blast and I'll... hey, you're not putting it down! We had a deal! Oh PLEASE! If there's any mercy in your sweet little Goron heart, just PLEASE don't finish! Please, do NOT say power! Please? PLEASE? I'm begging you! Come ON! PLEASE?"
"...POWER!" the two voices screamed. I hardly recognized either of them as mine.
A great swirl of the orange and yellow appeared. It was all swirling and bright... forming together into one big blast of power... It lit up the whole room. Dingledorf watched in terror as the power all gathered into a huge orb in my hands.
"Oh man. Now why'd you have to go and say that? CALL IT BACK! CALL IT BACK! PLEASE!" Dingledorf begged. "I'll do whatever you say!"
"Go away! Far, far away from Hyrule and Earth, for that matter! And STAY THERE!" Doseki and my voices screamed.
Dingledorf's arm went limp. His eyes got wide like a little kid who's just realized that he broke Mommy's favorite lamp with Mommy standing right in the doorway.
"Uh oh..."
(suspense-building nothingness to build suspense for the ending!)
Whooooooooooooooooooooosh...
POW!
The orb flew at Dingledorf and exploded, sending the evil guy flying backwards against the back wall of the temple, and sending Link to the ground.
But it didn't stop there. Orb after orb after orb turned into blast after blast after blast, and the evil guy was smacked and hit and whomped and blasted and whacked and generally injured again and again and again.
I have to admit, I was surprised. I thought being a Sage meant turning from a Goron to a human and back again, not... THIS.
I began to feel kind of dizzy... Dingledorf was still being beat upon, and I wished I knew how Link was feeling...
I screamed.
Finally though, my power ran out. The blasts stopped. The light faded. I felt all tingly like I had the very first time I changed...
And then I collapsed to the floor.
(more suspense-building nothingness)
"Doseki! Doseki! DOSEKI! Wake up! Are you all right?" Yumi cried worriedly. I felt her little hands on my face.
"Ugh..." I grunted.
"Doseki!" another voice cried.
Link... he was OK! I saved him!
Wait a sec... Doseki? Oh, I was Doseki again.
I opened my eyes slowly. "Ugh..." I repeated.
I saw Link and Yumi leaned over me, worried looks on their faces. I noticed that Link had a big hand mark on his neck. But other than that, he looked fine. Oh, except for the singed hair and the bruises and cuts from the rest of the fight.
"What... what happened?" I groaned.
"That was incredible!" Link cried. "That was spectacular! You looked... SO COOL! You were glowing, and there was all this magic stuff... and Doseki! The both of you were there! LL AND Doseki! Both standing in the same place! You must have like, separated so that you could cast that spell! But that was spectacular! That was incredible!"
"You said that," I grunted.
"I had no idea that you could do that! That was amazing!" Yumi squealed in joy. "You were so awesome! You saved Link!"
I kinda smiled. "Yay..."
They helped me to my feet, and I examined a bruise on my wrist. "Ooh... that hurt... wait! What happened to Dingledorf?"
We heard a muffled grunt, and we spun around to see Dingledorf, in yet another indentation of himself in the wall.
Wow, had we desecrated this temple or what?
He looked unconscious. But he moved his head a little, and then his eyes opened.
"You..." he groaned. "You... little... freak! How... did... you... do... that?"
"He's STILL not dead?!" I gasped.
I quickly turned to the clock. T-2:35...
"Now... I'm going to get you..." Dingledorf sneered. "No way can you do that again... You're going to pay for that... You're all going to perish at my hands! Now say your..."
Dingledorf was interrupted by a small sweet sound.
I turned around and saw that it came from Link's Ocarina.
It was the Ritornello of Author-Ism!
STAY TUNED FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF SAGE OF INNOCENCE SAGA-
ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL
-or-
THE FREAKY WEEKY ENDS
-or-
BACK TO ABNORMAL
-or-
THE LAST CHAPTER OF SAGE OF INNOCENCE SAGA
by Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER NINETEEN: BATTLE WITH THE BRAINLESS BRIEF-WEARIN' BEHEMOTH! -or- DINGLEDORF: DA DUMBNIK OF DOOM
Disclaimer: Hey, this is kinda the next to last chapter... so I'm going to try and make this short so you can get right to the action. I don't own Zelda, I don't own any of the places, characters (Except for Dingledorf, Galaxy Girl, and Doseki), or authors in this fic.
Since these next chapters are kinda wrapping things up, I'd really like to thank all of you authors who volunteered yourselves to make SOIS funny with your brainwashed antics. I'd also like to thank all of the Author Sages, for not suing me for using your names over and over and over again, and for help with planning your chapters.
Now... guess what?
Not right away, maybe not for a few weeks now... but how would you guys like the idea of a SEQUEL to SOIS? If it sounds intriguing to you and you'd like to make a cameo (that's right! MORE cameos!) please leave a review with your pen name and TWO of your favorite Zelda characters from either N64 game. I'm not telling you what I have planned yet... but for your best shot at getting a cameo, leave your review now.
(Well, so much for making it short...)
And now... ON WITH THE STORY!
LL here, for the second to the last time! Last chapter was fairly uneventful. But we certainly learned a lot! We learned that... hey, there's way too much info last chapter to tell you here. Why don't you go and read it yourselves? I have a battle to go fight!
DINGLEDORF: Ganondorf's Not-Quite-As-Evil-As-Him-But-Wishes-He-Was Little Brother!
Let me tell you something, with that BFF (Big Freakin' Firebolt) in his hands, Dingledorf didn't look much like a stupid idiot anymore... Now he looked dangerous and mean.
"EIAAAEEEEEE!" I shrieked. "LINK, I CHANGED MY MIND!"
"TOO LATE!" he yelled back. He was on the defensive, with his eyes fixed on Dingledorf like a cat's eyes on a mouse.
Dingledorf wound up, and was ready to pitch the firebolt, when there was a little puff of smoke and the firebolt burnt out.
"Oh POO!" screamed Dingledorf. "Don't do this to me NOWWWWW!"
"Yumi! Yumi!" I cried.
"I'm right here," she said calmly.
"What's his weak spot, Yumi? What weapon will get him?" I asked quickly, eyeing the clock, which had just hit T-9:45.
"He doesn't have a weak spot!" Yumi replied.
"WHAT? WHAT DO YOU MEAN HE DOESN'T HAVE A WEAK SPOT?"
"Think about it! Do YOU have a weak spot Doseki?"
"Uh... I'm ticklish under my arms."
"No! Think about it! With the other bad guys, the only way you could hurt them is if you hit their weak spot. But Dingledorf doesn't have one! He gets hurt no matter where you hurt him."
"Oh," I nodded. "All right Mr. Dingledorf... It's butt kicking time!"
Meanwhile, Dingledorf was snapping his fingers rapidly, trying to fire up another blast. "Oh... COME ON! I'm right in the middle of something important here! OH PANTYHOSE!"
Finally, the inept sorcerer produced a big burst of flame. "Ah! PERFECT!" He eyed Link. "It's about time someone put an end to your little crusades, bucko!"
"Too bad it won't be you!" Link retorted.
Dingledorf scowled, and pitched the bolt, whistling and crackling, right at Link!
I gasped, but there was no need to worry. Link was already far out of the way by the time it hit.
Wow... who knew he could run that fast?
"Let's see how you like these!" cried Link, pulling out his bow and a new kind of arrow. This arrow was glowing with a steady yellow light... Oh! Light Arrows! That rounded out the Fire/Ice/Light trio like with Cerena's rod.
He took careful aim, and fired at Dingledorf. The arrow hit him, and the glowing tip exploded into a burst of bright light.
"OWWWW! MY DERMATOLOGIST SAID THAT BRIGHT LIGHT IS BAD FOR MY COMPLEX-ION!" Dingledorf squealed.
"That's it, Link!" Yumi cried. "That's the way to do it!"
"All right, then I'll try that too!" I said, pulling out the Fire/Ice/Light pen.
I set the switch to the little sun symbol, and aimed it at Dingledorf.
But before I could fire, he charged up another firebolt and tried to blast me.
"YIKES!" I yelled, jumping out of the way.
Instead of me, the beam hit a wall... knocking a hole out of it.
Yumi and I stopped and stared at the gaping hole in the wall, and then at each other... I'm sure she was thinking about me laying there, smoking and charred...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!" I shrieked. "DID YOU SEE THAT?"
"I saw it, I saw it! Get a hold of yourself!" Yumi cried.
Suddenly, the air was filled with an orange glow and it began to get very warm...
"Get a hold of yourself and RUN!" Yumi screamed, shoving my head.
I raced to the left, and another fireball punched another big hole in the floor, this time.
"THIS IS NUTS!" I yelled.
"Oh believe me, we're JUST getting started!" Dingledorf giggled.
I raced around the room, and seconds later, smacked right into Link.
"AAGGGGH, DINGLEDORF!" I screamed.
"Doseki! Quit freaking out! You need to stay calm!" Link snapped sternly.
I sighed. "Don't scare me like that!"
"All right, look. This isn't getting us anywhere. We need to work together!" Link said. "Now. We need to get him to hold still, and then get him with either my Light Arrows or your Fire/Ice/Light Rod!"
"All right," I nodded.
"Good. Now, you distract him, and I'll get ready to attack."
"ME DISTRACT?" I gasped. "WHY ME?"
"Because, you're the one attracting the most attention to yourself by running around screaming," Link replied.
Then we split up again.
I turned my attention back to the center of the room towards Dingledorf, and I gasped. He was GONE!
I froze. He had to be around here somewhere... But where?
"Yumi..." I whispered. "Where did he go?"
Yumi didn't answer.
"... Yumi?" I said, turning around very slowly.
Well, I didn't see Yumi behind me, but I did see a big dark shadow standing on the wall.
"SURPRISE!" screamed Dingledorf, grabbing me by the collar.
"AYYYYY!" I yelled in surprise.
The not-as-evil-as-expected bad guy was walking on the wall! He lifted me by the collar and held me up off the ground.
"I've waited a long time to get a hold of you!" sneered Dingledorf.
"Let me go!" I yelled. "Or I'll do this!"
Yanking out the Fax Machine O' Randomness, I pressed the little red button.
A single, clean white sheet of 8-by-11-inch paper shot out of the machine and sliced Dingledorf across his ski-jump sized nose.
"OW!" he screamed, grabbing his nose with both hands and dropping me.
Ow... that's not nice...
"OOOOOOO THAT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY HOW MUCH THAT HURTS!" shrieked Dingledorf, grabbing a small roll of toilet paper and tearing off a little piece to stick on his wound.
I stood up and backed away. Dingledorf turned in my direction and sneered.
"Where do you think YOU'RE going, you rock-eating delinquent?" he shouted. With a snap of his fingers, the toiler paper roll caught on fire, and he hurled it at me with all the accuracy of an Olympic shot-put athlete.
I jumped out of the way, and looked around the room worriedly.
T-9:08...
"YUMI!" I yelled. "WHERE ARE YOU?"
There was no answer. I did hear another bout of hideous laughter behind me, and I moved just in time to avoid another roasted roll of TP from Ganondorf's little brother.
"All right!" I cried, "Enough is enough! Now I'm going to teach you a lesson for what you did to all the authors!"
"OOH! I'm shaking in my little high heeled boots!" Dingledorf whimpered sarcastically. Then he howled with laughter and whipped up a new spell.
A swirl of orange rose up from the floor and it gathered into a huge orb in his hands. A black hole-like center appeared, and started to suck in all the rest of the orange glow (Uh, the magic... not the cleaning solution).
Good grief, where's Link when you need him?
"Try this on for size!" Dingledorf screamed. "BLACK HOLE!"
I felt an extreme force tugging on me to go towards Dingledorf. I knew that it was the big black ball of nothingness in his hands.
"Come here, little one! Let's see how thick that skin of yours REALLY is!"
"JEEEEEZ, enough with the discriminatory Goron jokes!" I cried.
My feet were lifting up from under me... Uh oh...
"INNOCENCE MEDALLION, RETURN!" I yelled.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I hit the ground again. "Booyah, Grandpa!" I laughed. "You'll need a little stronger magic than that to lift 600 pounds!"
Dingledorf sneered, and more orange glowy-stuff started to rise up out of the floor, joining the circle of blackness.
I felt my feet lifting up off the floor.
"Oh crap..." I said. "Me and my big, fat mouth..."
Just when I thought I would lift up and fly into Dingledorf's clutches, I heard a cry from behind me.
"Take this, you Southern-fried freak!"
A blast of bright yellow light flew up from over my head, and smashed into Dingledorf, slamming him against the wall.
"OUCHIES!" he grunted.
The black hole disappeared, and I was once again on the ground.
"Thanks Link!" I yelled to my partner, who came running up beside me.
"Now it's MY turn to be the decoy," he said glumly.
I grinned, curled up, and rolled away.
T-8:34...
"You boys are REALLY starting to tick me off!" squealed Dingledorf. "Well, let's see how you enjoy this little number!"
I rolled off to a far corner of the room and stood up. Now he was going to get it...
"Innocence Medallion, Transform!" I said quietly.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I watched intently as Dingledorf charged up a black orb of power, and then acted like he was going to throw it at Link.
Link ducked, and then Dingledorf turned the orb on himself. But when it hit him, he disappeared!
Link froze like I had. He looked around.
"Hey DOSEKI!" he cried. "Where'd he go?"
"I don't know!" I shrugged. "Where did YUMI go?"
Link didn't have time to answer me, though. Suddenly, he was lifted into the air and he began to rise all the way up to the ceiling.
"HEY!" he yelled. "DINGLEDORF! Get yer hairy mitts off me!"
I heard Dingledorf's familiar sinister laughter, and then I watched in horror as Link went slamming to the ground.
"OWW!" he screamed.
Man... he DID hit hard! There was a cloud of marble dust rising up from the floor.
"LINK!" I cried. "Are you all right?"
I ran over towards him. "No! Don't!" he yelled.
"What? AAGH! HEY!"
He was riiiiiiight...
Dingledorf was now lifting ME up over everything, and I was going to slam down, too!
"Hey, let go!" I yelled, kicking. At the time I wasn't really thinking about what would have happened if I did kick him and he dropped me.
I looked down fearfully. Link pulled himself up out of the big indent of him, and stared dizzily up at me. "Kodeski!" he yelled. Wow, he really did hit hard.
The air suddenly got very cold, and Dingledorf appeared right next to me, his big evil hand right around my neck.
"Say goodnight, little guy!" he laughed, and then I went flying backwards.
"AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE- OUCH!"
I hit the wall hard. So hard that I felt the wall give way behind me, leaving a big indent of me in the wall.
Dingledorf's hand released my neck and I leaned forward, crashing to the ground headfirst with a major migraine.
T-8:14...
I didn't want to move at all... I felt like I had been run over by a very large truck.
I heard some more explosions and yelling, but I didn't want to move and see whom they came from.
A hit that hard would have killed any normal person... But Doseki was definitely not a normal person.
Suddenly, I heard a familiar voice.
"DOSEKI! Doseki! Get up!"
I lifted my head slowly and spied Yumi's familiar purple flashing.
"Yumiiiii..." I groaned. "You Earth on have where been?"
"I was up by the clock, trying to find some way to rewire it or something to give us more time!" Yumi shrugged. "But it's impossible! It would take someone like Stephen Hawking to even have a clue about how to fix it!"
"Move can't I..." I mumbled hazily.
"You have to! I know it's hard, and you feel like you just want to lie down and take a nap, but you can't! Look at Link. He needs help!"
My double vision was making it difficult, but I could make out Link over at the far end of the room, engaged in a battle with Dingledorf. It was apparently Dingledorf's weak point. He was covering his face with one hand and weakly punching with the other. Link, sword in one hand and shield in the other, was slashing away at the wannabe Gerudo king's armor.
"You're right..." I muttered, standing up. I knew I was liable to fall over any second, but I had no choice.
"That's it!" Yumi cheered. "Remember? DOOT DOO DOO DOOT DOO DOOOOOO!"
"Mayonnaise!" I shouted. I was still a little dizzy, remember?
"Close enough," Yumi said, rolling her eyes.
I shook off the dizziness, and then stared angrily at Dingledorf. "Hey Yumi..." I said. "What would you suggest?"
Yumi scratched her chin, and pulled the Energy Pen out of my pocket. "This should be fun!"
I nodded.
"Will you QUIT HITTING ME?" Dingledorf shrieked at Link, who was in a full swing of rage.
"Not until you're as dead as your brother should be by now!" Link yelled back.
"I can help with that!" I cried, loading up a blast in the Energy Pen and firing it.
POW!
Dingledorf went flying across the room and smashed into the wall, leaving yet another indentation.
"Boy, they need to reinforce these walls," Yumi said, shaking her head.
Dingledorf stood up again and took to the air. "I thought I said enough hitting me!"
POW!
Dingledorf, extremely angry, pulled himself out of yet another dent in the wall in the shape of him. "That's it. You try that one more time, and..."
POW!
This time, Dingledorf went totally through the wall, creating a new Dingledorf-shaped door into the Temple of Time.
We stood there for a minute, hearing some cussing from outside, and then we heard stomping coming from the first room of the temple.
"Wow, this thing packs a big punch!" Link commented, studying the Energy Pen carefully. "Thanks for that help, I don't know how long I could have kept going."
Suddenly, the Door of Time slid open again, revealing a mud-soaked, glowing black, very, VERY angry Dingledorf.
"Playtime's over!" Dingledorf screamed. "Now I'm going to get rid of you two pests like I should have at the beginning of all this!"
"Oh, like we haven't heard THAT before." Link said, rolling his eyes, but still on guard. "Toast him, Doseki."
I aimed the Energy Pen and fired, but something bad happened. Instead of Dingledorf taking the blast of light, it seemed to vanish when it got near him.
"Huh?" Link gasped.
"OH NO!" Yumi cried. "LOOK OUT, GUYS!"
The black glow around Dingledorf seemed to have gotten thicker. The wannabe evil king held out his hands, gathered an orb of blackness, and fired it with the same power as a blast of the Energy Pen!
POW!
This time, it was Link who went smashing into the wall.
"Don't do that again, Doseki!" Yumi warned me.
But I guess Dingledorf still had some power left over. He formed another black orb, and I made a noise that only a guy about to be hit with a giant evil black blast of magic that he accidentally helped create makes.
WHAM!
(That was me, crashing once again into the wall of the Temple of Time)
I had dropped the Energy Pen when I got hit, but I wasn't thinking of that now. I was thinking about how bad that CRUNCH noise from my wrist had sounded when it hit the wall...
"Doseki!" Yumi cried, zipping over to me. "Hurry! You have to move!"
"...bleeaaaaaah..." I mumbled.
All of a sudden, I moved. Well actually, I didn't move, but my entire body did!
"HUH? What the..."
I got my answer pretty quick, when I once again went sailing through the air, this time crashing right into Link, who was also floating.
Dingledorf sat in the air (If you can imagine that) waving his hands about and sending Link and me crashing all over the room.
Soon we were both floating in the air, too dizzy to really do anything about it.
"Well, well, well... I bet you didn't expect this problem," Dingledorf said calmly, causing my arm to fly up and smack Link upside the head.
"HEY!" he yelled.
"It's not my fault!" I wailed.
Then Link's foot went flying upwards, kicking me right in the face and leaving him hanging upside down in the air.
"OW!" I whined.
"Dingledorf, you coward!" Link screamed. "You're too afraid to fight us, so you make us fight each other?"
"Hey... I was planning to get you myself but now that you mention it, there's something deliciously EVIL about that plan!" Dingledorf giggled maniacally.
I felt my belt get lighter, and I saw my hand gripping the Little Giant tightly, holding it just horizontal with Link's neck.
"Hey!" I yelled. "That's not my hand moving!"
"I know, but it certainly looks that way, doesn't it?" Dingledorf giggled. "And the best part is, you get to feel guilty about killing your hero!"
Both of our eyes widened.
My hand pulled back and I screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOO!"
Suddenly, there was a purple flash and my hand dropped the sword.
Good ol' Yumi! She had flown in quickly and snatched the sword from my hand before Dingledorf made me do something I would regret.
Then she pulled back with all her strength, and chucked the double-sided sword at the bad guy, smacking him in the face with the handle, unfortunately. But it was enough distraction to cause Dingledorf to take off the spell, sending Link and me crashing to the ground.
T-7:01...
"We got just under seven minutes!" Yumi cried when Link and I got up.
"Right... if that punk tries that again..." Link muttered.
"Just keep moving and he shouldn't be able to grab a hold of you!" Yumi said. "Doseki just lost his sword, but it's all right..."
"And I dropped the Energy Pen too!" I said.
"Too bad... that seemed to do such a good job!" Yumi groaned. "All right... time for Plan B!"
"What is Plan B?" I asked, watching Dingledorf stomp towards us out of the corner of my eye.
"I'll tell you when I think of it..." Yumi mumbled. "SPLIT!"
The three of us scattered, and Dingledorf began what I assume was another new spell.
Dingledorf's fists started glowing, and he charged up a huge black orb-type thing.
"I've had enough of you two already!" he squealed.
POW! Blast after blast after blast of huge fiery black stuff went flying all over the room, and it was all Link or I could do to keep the heck away from it.
Finally, I decided to rely on another of my trusty weapons to attempt to dispatch the Dragmire.
I saw him turn in my direction and I quickly grabbed the DDR Wand and emitted a barrier to protect myself from his blasts.
Dingledorf stared at me in shock when he saw that I wasn't sprawled out on the floor after the first blast hit. He fired wave after wave of blasts, all of them being absorbed into the DDR Wand like water into a sponge.
He didn't see Link come up behind him with another couple of Light Arrows.
BANG! BANG! BANG!
Dingledorf blew me off in favor of the guy who had just bopped him three with the Light Arrows just as the DDR pad barrier wore off.
T-6:37...
Link was blocked up in a corner, with his trusty Mirror Shield barely absorbing the black blasts of Dingledorf.
Hey, that would make a good book title... "The Black Blasts of Dingledorf..." Well, maybe if we changed Dingledorf's name to something a little scarier...
Oh. Off the subject kinda, huh? Well anyway, Link was counting on his Mirror Shield to help him out now, but I knew that he couldn't stay in that corner forever with all the energy that Dingledorf was packing.
I decided that I was feeling brave, and I knew that it was stupid, but my plan would give Link enough time to charge up a really good attack.
It would also be kinda painful...
With the Black Emotion Dagger in one hand and the Spiral Bracelet ready to activate, I shook my head and said my prayers as I scampered towards Dingledorf.
Then I yelled, "Hey stupid! Check me out!"
As soon as Dingledorf stopped blasting and tried to turn around I activated the bracelet. Everything slowed down except for me as I ran and jumped into the air, aiming the dagger right at Dingledorf and firing it.
By the time the bracelet wore off, Dingledorf was already on the floor reeling from the dagger's attack.
Link blinked in disbelief at how fast I had gone, and then wasted no time in emptying his Light-Arrow notched bow right at Dingledorf.
The arrow tore a big hole in his bright pink cape. Dingledorf growled and stood up again.
"I THOUGHT I SAID that it was time for you two to DIE!" he screamed.
"You know what they say: You can't keep a good hero down!" I said triumphantly.
That comment seemed to enrage Dingledorf, as he turned away from Link and took to the air, heading right for me!
"In that case," he said sinisterly, "I won't have a big problem taking you down... and keeping you there!"
I backed up and ran. I could hear him right behind me, though...
That's when I saw the Little Giant lying uselessly on the ground near the Door of Time where Dingledorf had dropped it.
If I could make it in time, I could use it to protect myself.
I ran as fast as I could, but Dingledorf was definitely gaining.
Finally, I leaped at the sword like a baseball player heading for home plate, skidding once I hit the ground and snatching it up.
I half-twisted just as Dingledorf flew right over me. I held up the Little Giant, stopping him in his tracks before he grabbed me.
"Very good, little Goron..." he snickered. "But let's see if you can really use that thing!"
He screamed and jumped at me. I rolled out of the way and onto my feet.
Oh boy... I had never really tried out swordplay before... Could I do it now when it really mattered?
"EEEAAAAAIIEEEE!" I squealed as Dingledorf came running at me again.
He got ready for a punch, but I smacked him with the sword before he dared to try it. Dingledorf recoiled and kicked me cruelly in the gut.
I went flying, but luckily I held onto the sword.
"LINK! HELP!" I yelled, blocking another kick from Dingledorf.
"Hold still so I can hurt you!" Dingledorf screamed.
A whoosh of light flew through the air and struck Dingledorf in the back. The Evil-wannabe winced and leaned forward, and I saw Link running up behind him.
"Pick on someone your own size!" he yelled, bringing Dingledorf into another sword and fistfight.
T-5:52...
Yumi flew up beside me. "All right Doseki... You're doing good so far. But we barely have six minutes left! You've got to hurry up!" she said.
"I think I have another idea..." I said, "But I'm not sure if it will work..."
"Only one way to find out!" Yumi shrugged. "I'm still thinking of Plan B..."
"It's all right..." I answered. "We've hit Dingledorf plenty of times... he's got to be weakening a LITTLE."
I didn't know how wrong I was at the time.
"It's time to take things into smaller, yellow and tan hands!" I cried. "Innocence Medallion, Return!"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~POOF~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I hit the ground and rolled right up to Dingledorf. It was time to handle things the Goron-warrior way!
Just as I neared him, I leaped into the air and came down HARD on his foot!
"OWWWW!" he shrieked, leaping out of the way. He jumped up and down and rubbed his foot.
"Good one, LL!" Link grinned.
"Oh, isn't that just ADORABLE?" Dingledorf screamed. "Well I don't feel bad taking out a Goron, either!"
"We'll see about that," I said, donning the Innocence Mask.
Hey, I bet you totally forgot about that, didn't you?
Dingledorf's eyes widened and he stared at me. "Awww... what a sweet little face! You're a cute little guy, you know that?"
"A cute little guy who's ready to kick your arse!" I cried, rolling after him again.
I threw myself into the air and landed right on top of the awed evil guy, slamming down again and again.
"OW! How sweet! OW! How cute!" Dingledorf grunted. "OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! NOT NICE! But you're so adorable! OW! OW! OW!"
I rolled off and yelled to Link, "I'll be back in a sec! Get him!"
Link wasted no time in beating up on the bad guy while I got ready for my next Goron attack!
I was ready for the ancient secret attack of the Gorons... the spike roll! It's a known fact about Gorons that if you know how to do it and if you can roll fast enough, it's actually possible to grow spikes out of your back and use them to kick major butt!
I rolled around for a bit, and then I finally felt strong enough to pull it off. Let's see how Dingledorf liked THIS little number!
I turned in his general direction, made sure that I wouldn't hit Link, and rolled as fast as I could towards him. I felt a little heavier, and I knew that was because of the "Ancient Goron Secret Attack!"
"HIIIIIYAH!" I screamed, hurling myself through the air and crashing into Dingledorf, who had just stood up.
We both went flying backwards, and only stopped when we had crashed into another wall.
I ricocheted off and hit the ground, unrolling and sending the Innocence Mask to the floor.
Dingledorf stood up veeeeerrryyyyy slowly, and turned to me, still dizzy and kind of weak from the attack (we both were).
"Grrrrrr..." he growled. "I've had enough of you!"
"Likewise," I mumbled.
The evil guy stomped towards me and I knew that I was in trouble.
"Uh... uh..." I said blankly, trying to back away.
Suddenly, my hand touched something.
Dingledorf stood over me with a huge blast of energy, ready to fry my little Goron head off. "TIME TO SAY GOODBYE!" he yelled.
"Yeah, yeah, I've heard it before," I said, grabbing the Energy Pen, loading it, and firing another giant blast at Dingledorf, sending him right back into the wall.
T-5:00...
"Lucky for that!" I whistled, as Link and Yumi raced over to see if I was OK.
"Turn back now, LL. It's time for us to finish this once and for all!" Link snickered.
"Innocence Medallion, Transform!" I said proudly.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
"Not quite yet, Link..." Yumi said worriedly. "He's still too strong for the Author Sages to get!"
"Look at him!" Link cried, pointing at the rather pathetic form of Dingledorf, pulling himself out of the big hole in the wall that he had landed in.
"He's still too strong, Link. You have to keep going... and hopefully he's near the end!" Yumi sighed.
We turned back to him to decide what to do with him... Er, we would have, but he was gone.
"Where... where did he go?" I asked.
Suddenly, Link and I were up in the air again. We found that we couldn't move!
"Oh no!" Yumi gasped.
We both spun around (well WE didn't, Dingledorf spun us around) and saw Dingledorf come strolling along, also in the air. He was grunting and sweating and panting like a mad man.
"I... have had it!" he snarled. "I'm sick of YOU!" he said, pointing at Link. "I'm sick of YOU!" he said, pointing at me. "I have absolutely lost it with YOU!" he said, pointing at Yumi. "And I've had it up to here with you two panty brains trying to ruin my plan!"
He sent the two of us flying backwards and we hit the wall. We didn't go through it this time, but we remained stuck there like flies on flypaper.
"Now you listen and you listen good!" Dingledorf growled, coming towards us again. "My virus WILL go off in four and a half minutes... The authors WILL all become part of the game forever... I WILL replace my brother as the evil king of the Gerudo... I WILL restart time in Hyrule..." And he pitched his voice very low (As low as he probably could, which was still pretty high) for this next one: "And I WILL kill you both... NOW!"
He grabbed Link around the throat with his left hand and squeezed. HARD. Link turned bright red and tried to fight him off.
Yumi yelled and smacked into Dingledorf's head, but Dingledorf swatted her to the ground like a bug.
Link's eyes were popping out now.
"Stop it!" I screamed. "Stop it! Let him go!"
Dingledorf turned to me and spoke surprisingly calmly. "Now I understand why HE wants to stop me... But it's you that I don't get!" He loosened his grip on Link, who coughed.
"Wh... what do you mean?" I asked fearfully.
"You have no reason to fight me. I am the one who can make all your dreams come true!" Dingledorf sneered. "Don't think I don't know what you're thinking right now. GG... your girlfriend! You know that she's not going to want to date you forever! Get real! A lovely, promising young human girl like that... dating a rock-eating video game character?"
A knot formed in my stomach.
"You know that sooner or later GG's not going to care about you anymore... Because she'll want a real man! A human man, for that matter! And you can't follow through with that, now can you? Sure, there's always that handsome young man that you discovered just one week ago today... But there's always going to be a part of you that remains a Goron!"
He moved his right finger, and my sleeve went up, showing the tattoo.
"You know, it's not too late. All you have to do is abandon this loserly hero dork and join me... I can still change the virus. It could make your wish come true... You could be a human! Just like her!" Dingledorf whispered. "That tattoo... your past... your father and your family... heck, even your love of rocks could be gone! Just like that!" He snapped his fingers.
I gasped. "What?! Why would you do that?"
"You're actually quite a charming young boy... It would be a shame if you became a hero and I had to get rid of you like I will have to with him!" He motioned to Link, who was staring at me worriedly. "And I've never really had a son, either..."
Ewww... Now there's a revolting idea. Doseki Dragmire, son of DINGLEDORF. But the man had a point...
"Don't be silly. What does this life promise you? Nothing! Oh sure... you could stay the way you are... growing up in a cave on a mountain... eating rocks... rolling down cliffs every once and a while... maybe taking over the rule when your father gets older... But look at all you'd be missing! A REAL body! A REAL brain! Even a chance at her!"
Dingledorf smiled smugly, and stared at Link. "And look at him. The HERO business... what a waste of time! Even he could tell you that he hates it. And if you change your mind and see things the way I do, you'd see that it's pointless... because evil will always be around. You'll never totally complete your job."
The scary thing about it was that I knew that Dingledorf was right.
Link hated his job. He hated the fact that he had to drop everything important to him and rush out every time a monster or a villain or a curse or a virus decided to show up... And who knew if he'd even survive the encounter? He hated the fact that everyone was depending on him, and that he was the only one who could follow through for them. And he hated the fact that he'd never really be able to settle down with a wife and children... Because he'd always be leaving again sooner or later to fight evil again.
GG couldn't be my girlfriend forever. She would get older, and so would I. She would get married to someone else, and so would I. She'd have kids, and so would I. She needed to grow up and be an author, like she wanted. I needed to grow up and take over rule of the Death Mountain Gorons. I was just a friend... a brother-like figure, if you like... I knew it couldn't last.
And a Goron's life wasn't the best. A simple life at best, living isolated from other races and people on your own little mountaintop... venturing down when you needed milk or bread or the latest release from Hyrule Video. A Goron hardly ever grew up to be anything special.
But to be human... To forget everyone and everything important me in exchange for a new body, a new family, and a new life... but also a chance at GG. Or any other girl I wanted?
But could I really do that to myself, and to my dad? Let's face it... I was his pride and joy. I was the sun in his life. Since my mom had disappeared, my dad was lonely and sad... I was the only part of her he had left, and he was determined to keep me happy. Now, after all he'd done for me, could I just throw in the towel and abandon him?
Dingledorf was staring at me with those sinister eyes. If I said yes, I'd never have to worry about being killed by a monster ever again. Because I'd be just as much a monster as him. Because I'd given up.
But it sounded so great... I'd never have to be afraid again. Me and my bad old Dingledorf daddy would rampage around, killing everything in sight and torturing thousands... Laughing the whole way. Who knows, I might even be responsible for killing someone I really cared about, like Link or Dad or GG. But I wouldn't care anyway.
Not care? That doesn't sound like me!
It would be you, if you said yes.
But how could I be so selfish? If I said yes, I would not only throw myself into Dingledorf's alternate reality, I would throw thousands of innocent people. The Authors! What about them? What about their families and their lives?
I thought about a cartoon I'd seen where a guy had to make a big decision and two little versions of himself, a devil and an angel appeared on his shoulder and argued.
"What are you waiting for? Say yes, you big idiot!" laughed Devil LL. "Doesn't that sound great?"
"Are you CRAZY? How could you do that to your dad and your friends and your whole world? You wouldn't DARE!" said Angel LL.
"Oh puh-lease. That guy is such a fruit... He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. But why would you do that when you could pick the path that ROCKS?" Devil LL giggled.
"ROCKS! There's another thing you'd miss! Come on! I think it's obvious what to say," Angel LL said, rolling his eyes.
OK, so there was really no angel or devil anywhere. It was all in my head.
Yes...
No!
Yes!
No!
Human!
Goron!
Human!
Goron!
Yes!
No!
Human!
GORON!
I think the answer was pretty obvious. Yes. Very obvious.
"Well?" Dingledorf asked wickedly.
I gazed over at Link, Dingledorf's hand still around his neck, but not squeezing. He was watching me intently, wondering what I would say.
Oh man. After ALL of that, the temples and the monsters and stuff, he actually thought I would abandon him and my dad for the promise of a new life?
"No," I said.
"WHAT?"
"I said NO!" I yelled. "I wouldn't give up my body, my friends, my family OR my heritage for ANYONE or ANYTHING, and ESPECIALLY if it meant letting YOU be king! And the thought of you as my dad truly, truly makes me feel sick!"
Dingledorf looked taken aback.
(Heh, scared you there for a second, huh? Obviously I said no. If I said yes, you wouldn't be here reading this right now, would you?)
I had strongly considered dropping everything and giving in. I really had. It all sounded so great...
And I know that I would have, if it weren't for one thing.
Dingledorf wasn't right.
Link didn't like his job all the time, but I know him, and I know that he wouldn't exchange it for anything in the world.
GG couldn't be my girlfriend forever, but we could be friends as long as we wanted. And giving up my Goron-hood for her would be pointless. She wouldn't be GG anymore, anyway... She'd return to being Fianna, the caffeinated blade salesgirl.
A Goron's life may not be glamorous, but it was the life for me.
And as for leaving everything behind... I wouldn't trade my body, my brain, my memories, my heritage, and especially I wouldn't trade my father for anything else, EVER. Period.
Sure, this life wasn't perfect. I didn't know my mother, where she was, and if she would ever come back. I wasn't the brightest bulb in the box. And for gosh sakes, I ate ROCKS. That would make every dinner banquet I would ever attend a difficult thing. But the point is that it was MY life, and it was MY responsibility to make it as darn cool as I could.
"And for the last freakin' time, I AM A GORON!" I screamed.
"You're a Goron all right. A stupid, thickheaded Goron. You just passed up on the chance of a lifetime. I hope you're proud of yourself," Dingledorf said cruelly. "Now I'll get to enjoy watching you slowly choke to death."
And then I found his right hand around MY neck, squeezing MY air off and trying to kill ME.
I knew for some reason that he had Link in the same strangle hold as me.
But something had just happened... I could move my foot freely... In all his rage, Dingledorf had forgotten to hold the spell that kept Link or me from moving! He was holding us up by himself now!
Oh yeah... I knew JUUUUUUUST what to do...
"Innocence... Medallion... RETURN!" I choked out.
"What?" Dingledorf said confusedly.
Suddenly, the orange glow around me gave him his answer.
"Oh no... you didn't just..."
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Now, 200 and 175 pounds were probably not the easiest weights to hold up, but Dingledorf managed to hold both Link and me up, despite the 375 pounds weight. Unfortunately, he wasn't quite weight conditioned to carry a combined weight of 800 pounds, so he very quickly lost his grip on me and let me fall.
WOMP! I hit the ground painlessly, and then rolled far away from him.
"Yumi!" I yelled.
She had been watching helplessly from the ground, but now she stood up and zipped over to me.
"I'm so proud of you, LL! That took a lot of guts!"
"Link's not gonna last much longer!" I yelled.
I could hear him choking over Dingledorf's cries of, "I'll get you in a minute, you little pest!" and "Oh, you're such a punk! You're going to pay for this!"
"I've got your Plan B now, LL..." Yumi said. "I've seen this hundred of times before at the end of movies like this... All right. Now what you gotta do is..." She whispered in my ear, and I stood in awe of what I was hearing.
"I can really do THAT?" I gasped.
"The other Sages can, why can't you?"
I nodded. "OK... I'll try..."
"Yes, and you'd better hurry up!" Yumi hissed.
T-3:46...
At that second, Link and Dingledorf were duking it out. Well, Link was trying to, but he was half strangled and it was difficult.
"I promised... I'd protect him..." Link gagged.
"Looks like you're going to fall just a little short on that promise!" Dingledorf snarled. "You don't know how much satisfaction it's going to give me to see you die..."
"I'm not... giving up... that easy!" Link gagged again.
"I'd start considering surrender now if I were you..." Dingledorf replied wickedly.
"I... promised Darunia... he wouldn't... get hurt!" Link wheezed. "I promised... myself... I wouldn't... let him... get hurt!"
"Oops, sorry... guess you'll just have to send Darunia your sympathies that you couldn't protect his stupid little son!" Dingledorf laughed. "Oh, oops... I forgot. You'll be dead. You want me to do it for you? I'll send him a card... Along with a nice big blast aimed straight at his brainless Sage head!"
Link glared at him, and Dingledorf continued the insults. "And then I'll go for Nabooru... and Impa... and Ruto... and then the sweet little Princess Zelda... and then your little friend Saria! Ooh, that one struck a nerve, didn't it?"
"You can't... win..." Link snarled.
"I already did," Dingledorf laughed. "You were unconscious, but I just made a deal with your little friend over there that seals your fate, as well as the fate of the rest of Hyrule."
"Liar!" Link yelled.
"Why would I lie to you? He said yes, and I won! Finally, I, Dingledorf Miltona Melvin Farnsworth Dragmire III, have won! Not Ganondorf, not the hero, but ME! I won and you lost! I won and you lost!" sang Dingledorf. "I won and you-"
Suddenly, a brilliant glow filled up the room. Dingledorf saw the bright orange and yellow light on his captive's face, and he turned around, releasing his grip on Link.
Link stared towards the source of the light, and gasped half for the need to breathe and half in surprise when he saw who it was.
I stood, at the other end of the room, holding my medallion in my hands, surrounded by swirls of orange and yellowish light and a brilliant bubble of light.
The Innocence Medallion slowly faded into a bright orb of orange and yellow, and I stared at Dingledorf in rage.
"It's time for you to go where you belong!" I cried.
"WHAT? What's... What happened to you?" he yelled angrily. Then his blue face turned pale when he saw something behind me.
"YOU! But... you... him... you..."
I noticed that there was someone behind me too. But I didn't turn around to look, because I already knew who it was.
It was me, Doseki. Or at least an image of him.
We were both the same person. We were both the Sage of Innocence, and both of us had to get rid of this pest Dingledorf forever.
Two voices echoed through the temple as I spoke.
"This whole trip I've been afraid of you and your monsters. But now I know who you really are! You're a jerk! And a creep! But overall, more than anything else, you're a coward! But I'm not afraid anymore! I won't let you hurt my Brother Link OR my Dad OR the authors!"
"TWO OF THEM?" Dingledorf cried. "But that's impossible!"
"It's possible!" I said, and the other voice said it too. "And now we'll show you that it's possible that you can be defeated! And more or less, defeated by someone you hate! Somebody you're AFRAID of! ME!"
I was mad. I was angry. I was enraged.
Memories were flashing through my head. Voices that had spoken to me, voices that had ridiculed me. But they were all voices that I knew were wrong. Maybe that's why they made me so mad.
"LL, you're too young!"
"I thought you were talking to me! You mean I have to work with this little loon?"
**YOU FOOL! THERE ARE NO OTHER LITTLE LINKS OF THE GORONS. YOU ARE THE INNOCENCE SAGE.**
"Calm down! You're giving me a headache!"
"YOU IMBECILE! WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT GG LIKES YOU AT ALL?"
"YOU IDIOT! GG WOULDN'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH A FAT LITTLE MORON LIKE YOU!"
"GALAXY GIRL HATES YOU, AND SHE ONLY IS NICE TO YOU BECAUSE YOUR FATHER IS A SAGE!"
"YOU'RE SCRAWNY, AND STUPID, AND UGLY, AND NO ONE IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD LIKE YOU! EVEN YOUR FATHER IS ASHAMED OF YOU!"
"YOU MIGHT AS WELL STAY IN YOUR CURRENT FORM! YOU SHOULD MOVE FAR AWAY FROM EVERYONE, BECAUSE NO ONE LIKES YOU, YOU PRICELESS EXCUSE FOR A DOLT! EVEN IF GG WERE HERE, SHE WOULDN'T LIKE YOU!"
"You idiot! I told you not to do it! Why don't you listen to me?"
"You're an idiot, and I can't believe that Destiny is forcing me to work with you!"
"Well, I don't see how working with you is going to accomplish anything!"
"Hey, move it, Goron Boy!"
"Eyes off, Rock Head! I told you, we only serve HUMANS!"
"Hey Gordo! Get a look at this! The kid thinks he's a Goron!"
"Hey Ernest, maybe he IS about as smart as a Goron!"
And Dingledorf... That scumbag...
"It doesn't matter if you can become human or not. You're still just a stupid little Goron, and a Goron and a pretty-boy hero are no match for me."
Well, now I was going to show him exactly what kind of a match a Goron and a pretty-boy hero were against him...
"Innocence..."
"Don't you get it yet? I've already won! There's nothing you can do!"
"...Medallion..."
"Hey! Cut it out! Or I'll come over there and mess you up good!"
I didn't stop. Dingledorf's eyes popped out. "Oh come on now! Let's talk this out... OK, so I lied! You didn't say yes, and yeah, I know I tried to kill you, but do we really have to end this in violence? I mean there's already so much violence in the world, and really, I didn't mean it! I won't hurt him! I won't hurt your dad or the authors or anyone! Oh, come on! The offer still stands you know... Now come on, little guy... Just put down the big nasty-looking blast of energy... PLEASE? Oh, come on! Please! I'll do anything! OK, well almost anything... You want me to put him down? OK then, fine! You put down that nasty energy blast and I'll... hey, you're not putting it down! We had a deal! Oh PLEASE! If there's any mercy in your sweet little Goron heart, just PLEASE don't finish! Please, do NOT say power! Please? PLEASE? I'm begging you! Come ON! PLEASE?"
"...POWER!" the two voices screamed. I hardly recognized either of them as mine.
A great swirl of the orange and yellow appeared. It was all swirling and bright... forming together into one big blast of power... It lit up the whole room. Dingledorf watched in terror as the power all gathered into a huge orb in my hands.
"Oh man. Now why'd you have to go and say that? CALL IT BACK! CALL IT BACK! PLEASE!" Dingledorf begged. "I'll do whatever you say!"
"Go away! Far, far away from Hyrule and Earth, for that matter! And STAY THERE!" Doseki and my voices screamed.
Dingledorf's arm went limp. His eyes got wide like a little kid who's just realized that he broke Mommy's favorite lamp with Mommy standing right in the doorway.
"Uh oh..."
(suspense-building nothingness to build suspense for the ending!)
Whooooooooooooooooooooosh...
POW!
The orb flew at Dingledorf and exploded, sending the evil guy flying backwards against the back wall of the temple, and sending Link to the ground.
But it didn't stop there. Orb after orb after orb turned into blast after blast after blast, and the evil guy was smacked and hit and whomped and blasted and whacked and generally injured again and again and again.
I have to admit, I was surprised. I thought being a Sage meant turning from a Goron to a human and back again, not... THIS.
I began to feel kind of dizzy... Dingledorf was still being beat upon, and I wished I knew how Link was feeling...
I screamed.
Finally though, my power ran out. The blasts stopped. The light faded. I felt all tingly like I had the very first time I changed...
And then I collapsed to the floor.
(more suspense-building nothingness)
"Doseki! Doseki! DOSEKI! Wake up! Are you all right?" Yumi cried worriedly. I felt her little hands on my face.
"Ugh..." I grunted.
"Doseki!" another voice cried.
Link... he was OK! I saved him!
Wait a sec... Doseki? Oh, I was Doseki again.
I opened my eyes slowly. "Ugh..." I repeated.
I saw Link and Yumi leaned over me, worried looks on their faces. I noticed that Link had a big hand mark on his neck. But other than that, he looked fine. Oh, except for the singed hair and the bruises and cuts from the rest of the fight.
"What... what happened?" I groaned.
"That was incredible!" Link cried. "That was spectacular! You looked... SO COOL! You were glowing, and there was all this magic stuff... and Doseki! The both of you were there! LL AND Doseki! Both standing in the same place! You must have like, separated so that you could cast that spell! But that was spectacular! That was incredible!"
"You said that," I grunted.
"I had no idea that you could do that! That was amazing!" Yumi squealed in joy. "You were so awesome! You saved Link!"
I kinda smiled. "Yay..."
They helped me to my feet, and I examined a bruise on my wrist. "Ooh... that hurt... wait! What happened to Dingledorf?"
We heard a muffled grunt, and we spun around to see Dingledorf, in yet another indentation of himself in the wall.
Wow, had we desecrated this temple or what?
He looked unconscious. But he moved his head a little, and then his eyes opened.
"You..." he groaned. "You... little... freak! How... did... you... do... that?"
"He's STILL not dead?!" I gasped.
I quickly turned to the clock. T-2:35...
"Now... I'm going to get you..." Dingledorf sneered. "No way can you do that again... You're going to pay for that... You're all going to perish at my hands! Now say your..."
Dingledorf was interrupted by a small sweet sound.
I turned around and saw that it came from Link's Ocarina.
It was the Ritornello of Author-Ism!
STAY TUNED FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF SAGE OF INNOCENCE SAGA-
ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL
-or-
THE FREAKY WEEKY ENDS
-or-
BACK TO ABNORMAL
-or-
THE LAST CHAPTER OF SAGE OF INNOCENCE SAGA
