Sage of Innocence Saga -or- Two Links and a Bunch of Authors
by Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER TWENTY: THE FREAKY WEEKY ENDS -or- THE LAST CHAPTER
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, Barbie, the other authors, or anything really. SCREW THE OTHER STUFF! IT'S THE LAST CHAPTER! LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT!
Hi it's me, for the last time! I'm going to get right to the point because I want to see what happens... All right, last chapter, Link, Yumi and I engaged in battle with Dingledorf Miltonia Melvin Farnsworth Dragmire III, and it was action-packed! Oh, and Dingledorf offered to change the virus so that it would make me human forever, but it would also make me his son... Ewww... talk about bad bloodlines... I said no, yadda, yadda, yadda, and then I did this big cool Sage spell thing that weakened Dingledorf enough for the Author Sages to get him! Let's see how it ends! I hope it's happy... I love happy endings...
Dingledorf heard the Ritornello and stared at Link. "That song... what's that song? What is it? ANSWER ME?"
"It's the song that just sealed your fate, you jerk!" Yumi laughed.
We heard six more voices chuckling, and six beams of light shot through the roof of the Temple of Time.
In each beam appeared one of the Author Sages, laughing and standing on their own big replicas of their medallions, floating in mid-air. In the center of their circle floated the Mighty Laptop of Authorness.
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy..." Jigglypuff giggled.
"Ohhhh, are you in trouble now, Dingle-Berry!" Cerena laughed.
"We're going to make you wish you'd stayed by the river..." Wintyr smirked.
"This will be SO entertaining!" GG grinned.
"Very much so," Chica added.
"Quite very much so..." Zel snickered.
Dingledorf turned to the Author Sages in rage. "YOU! You don't scare me, you pitiful humans! Watch! That clock is ticking down to your doom!"
Dingledorf pointed to his clock, which had somehow frozen on 2:30.
"WHAT? What... but... how?" he sputtered.
Zel pressed the Enter key on the Laptop and handed it to Wintyr. "I assure you good sir, it has been my pleasure helping to ruin your day," Zel smiled. Zel's voice echoed through the temple as what she wrote took effect.
FOR SOME ODD REASON, THE CLOCK STOPPED COUNTING DOWN ALTOGETHER. IT REMAINED FROZEN AT 2:30.
Wintyr cracked her knuckles and turned to Link and me. "Don't worry you two... We'll make sure you don't get affected by the Laptop."
Wintyr clicked a few letters on the keyboard, and the sound of her voice echoed through the temple.
DINGLEDORF SUDDENLY BEGAN TO GLOW WITH A GOLDEN LIGHT. HE FOUND HIMSELF UNABLE TO MOVE, AND HE COULD NOT SUMMON THE STRENGTH TO FIGHT OFF THE SPELL.
Sure enough, Dingledorf began to glow with a golden light. He looked at himself in horror and tried to move, but he found himself frozen in the power of Wintyr's writing.
"ACK!" he yelled. "This isn't possible! I'M supposed to be controlling YOU!"
Cerena took the Laptop from Wintyr, and typed in a sentence or two. Now her voice echoed through the temple.
WHILE DINGLEDORF REMAINED FROZEN, TWO ULTRA-DELUXE ARMCHAIRS COMPLETE WITH A SNACK BAR, A LARGE TUB OF POPCORN, AND EVEN A LITTLE RECLINER FOR YUMI APPEARED NEXT TO LINK AND DOSEKI.
Seconds later, two armchairs appeared next to Link and me, and we both took a seat for a snack. Yumi joined us, too.
"Hey, thanks guys!" I called up.
"No problem. Our pleasure," said Chica, taking the Laptop from the Sage of Truth.
DINGLEDORF'S RIGHT ARM SWUNG UP AND SMACKED HIM IN THE HEAD. HARD. REPEATEDLY, I MIGHT ADD.
Dingledorf kept smacking himself in the head. "OH YEAH? You think you're so tough with your big laptop! Well I can do something about that! Just WATCH me beat it!"
The inept little sorcerer tried with all his might to stop his right hand. But he found he couldn't do it.
"This isn't POSSSSSSIBLE! You can't control everything with a LAPTOP!" Dingledorf screamed in rage, his lisp standing out over everything.
"Wanna bet?" yelled Jigglypuff, borrowing the Laptop from Chica.
DESPITE AN ARGUMENT FROM DINGLEDORF, THE IDIOT'S CLOTHES TURNED FROM AN AVERAGE WARLORD GERUDO'S GRAY OR BLACK ARMOR AND CAPE TO A STYLISH PINK ENSEMBLE FROM THIS SPRING'S BARBIE CLOTHES LINE: A MINISKIRT AND ADORABLE PINK TANKTOP!
"Oh you WOULDN'T!" Dingledorf shrieked. "You wouldn't DARE change my clothes!" he added, as Jigglypuff's voice changed his clothes.
"AAGGGH!" he shrieked. "MY MANLY BLACK... er, GRAY CLOTHES!"
He was still smacking himself in the head. Meanwhile, Link, Yumi and I were enjoying tall, frosty mugs of root beer and a good laugh.
"Lookin' good," GG laughed, taking the Laptop from Jigglypuff. "Now watch as I succumb the already blushing brute to some of the most heartless humiliation ever known..."
DINGLEDORF WAS ALREADY EMBARRASSED, BUT HE HAD NO CLUE JUST HOW BAD IT WAS ABOUT TO GET. HE GASPED AS HE SUDDENLY APPEARED BEFORE THE ENTIRE GERUDO TRIBE IN NOTHING BUT HIS CUTE HEART-SPANGLED PINK BOXERS WITH MATCHING HALTER TOP WHILE BELTING OUT BROADWAY SHOW TUNES. IN A SQUEAKY ADOLESCENT VOICE, I MIGHT ADD
"NOOOOOO!" Dingledorf screamed, as hundreds of fake Gerudos appeared in the room. Jigglypuff's miniskirt and tanktop vanished, and were replaced by pink heart boxer shorts and a matching halter top. Then he uncontrollably began to squeak out show tunes.
"GIVE my re-GARDS to BROOOOOAAAAAD-way!" he squealed. "TAKE ME TO HERALD S-QUAAAAAAREEEE!"
The other Sages clapped as GG handed the Laptop back to Zel.
"MEEEEEEEMORIEEEEEES! ALL ALONE IN THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOONLIIIIIIIIGHT! ALL ALONE IN THE STREEEEEEEEEEEETLIIIIIGHT!"
BEFORE CONTINUING, ZEL SYMPATHETICALLY SUPPLIED LINK, DOSEKI AND YUMI WITH EARPLUGS. THEN, SHE GAVE DINGLEDORF A COMPLIMENTARY PAPERCUT ON THE SKIN BETWEEN EACH OF HIS FINGERS.
The bad guy screamed in pain, and then he yelled out again, "IIIIIF I WERE A RICH MAAAAAN! AYYYYBA DAYYYBA DAAAYYYYBA DAAAAAYYYBA DAYBA DAAAAYYYYBA DAAAAAAAAA!"
"Well that's quite enough of that," Wintyr said, rolling her eyes. She took the laptop from Zel and typed something in.
BORED WITH SHOW TUNES, DINGLEDORF INVOLUNTARILY DECIDED TO SING THE THEME SONGS FROM SEVERAL POPULAR TV SHOWS. YOU KNOW, THE ONES WITH THE REALLY ANNOYING SINGERS.
"POKEMON!" screamed Dingledorf. "GOTTA CATCH 'EM AAAAAALL! IT'S YOU AND MEEE! I KNOW IT'S MY DEEEEE-STIIIINYYY!"
"This is fun and all guys, but we need to think of some way to get rid of him for good!" Cerena said, taking the Laptop from Wintyr.
"Good idea," Jigglypuff said. "How about... Um..."
"Well, we could..." Chica started. "Er, maybe not..."
"OH! I GOT IT!" GG yelled. "The most ironic ending of all! The one that would make so much sense but that hardly anyone would expect!"
"I think I know what she means..." Cerena grinned, typing in something.
DINGLEDORF WAS BACK IN HIS OLD CLOTHES WITHIN SECONDS. HE STOPPED THE SINGING, THE SMACKING, AND THE GERUDOS ALL DISAPPEARED. BECAUSE THE AUTHOR SAGES HAD PLANNED SOMETHING EXCELLENT...
She handed it to Chica, who continued.
THE AUTHOR SAGES, DESPITE THEIR COMPLETE LACK OF KNOW-HOW ABOUT VIRUSES AND SUCH, SOMEHOW TAPPED INTO THE CENTRAL PART OF DINGLEDORF'S VIRUS.
Jigglypuff took it from there.
JIGGLYPUFF MADE A FEW MINOR ADJUSTMENTS, (TO BE REVEALED LATER) AND THEN THE SAGES SEALED UP THE VIRUS FILES FOREVER. THEY COULD NEVER BE CHANGED AGAIN BY ANYBODY.
Wintyr whispered something to GG, and GG handed the computer from Jigglypuff to Wintyr.
SUDDENLY, THE HYLIAN SENATE MADE MONOGAMY LEGAL, AND SECONDS LATER, LINK AND KAFEI BOTH FOUND THEMSELVES MARRIED TO WINTYR
Link screamed, and GG gasped and threw Wintyr a Look.
"I tried!" she shrugged, typing in something else.
NO, JUST KIDDING... BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN UNEXPECTED ENDING, RIGHT?
GG then took the computer from Wintyr, and shaking her head, typed in the rest.
AND THEN, IT WAS TIME TO END EVERYTHING. THE AUTHOR SAGES USED THEIR POWERS COMBINED TO OPEN UP A PORTAL INTO THE SACRED REALM RIGHT BELOW DINGLEDORF. THE POWER OF ITS FORCE PULLED AND PULLED ON THE EVIL WANNABE, WHO GRABBED ONTO THE WALL AND WHINED PITIFULLY, AS USUAL
Everything came true. A huge, blinding light appeared in the floor below Dingledorf, and the glow vanished. Dingledorf screamed and jumped away, grabbing onto the wall and whining pitifully.
"NO! NO! IT'S NOT FAIR! I WANT TO RULE THE WORLD! I WANT A CHANCE! PLEASE! I WANTED TO BE THE KING! THAT'S ALL! I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD KING! NOO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I DON'T WANNA LOSE! I WANT TO BE THE KING! I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA!"
GG rolled her eyes and added more.
BORED OF HIS WHINING, THE AUTHOR SAGES ALSO CREATED A GAG TO STUFF IN HIS MOUTH. APPROPRIATELY, ONE OF HIS OWN DIRTY SOCKS. AAANYWAY, DINGLEDORF'S FINGERS WERE RAPIDLY SLIPPING OFF THE WALL. HE SPIT OUT THE SOCK, LET OUT ONE LAST CURSE, AND THEN THE BLINDING LIGHT ERUPTED FROM THE PORTAL AND FILLED THE ROOM.
Dingledorf spit out the sock, and Link, Yumi and I all stood up.
"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, YOU JERKS! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, LINK! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, YOU STUPID FAIRY! AND... YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET THIS, YOU WEASELY LITTLE GORON! I WILL MAKE IT SO YOU'LL WISH YOU'D NEVER HEARD OF THE DRAGMIRES! I WILL-"
Then, the three of us covered our eyes and as written, the light exploded from the portal and filled the entire room.
It was just like when the virus had started... the light covered everything, and we could not see at all! I covered my eyes, and waited for it to be over. We heard screaming coming from the direction of Dingledorf.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
We heard a WOOOOOOOOP sound as Dingledorf went flying into the portal, screaming all the way. Then a high pitched howling filled the air as the light began to be sucked back into the portal as well, sealing the door from the Sacred Realm to Hyrule.
The howling began to die down, and WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHH...
POP!
Everything was quiet.
I moved my hands from over my eyes and looked around. Everything was still the same. The holes in the walls, the dust from the holes in the walls, and everything. But the armchairs, and Dingledorf, were gone.
"L-L-Link?" I stuttered. "What happened?"
I stared at my hands. They were still human... So what had the Author Sages done?
Link looked around. "I... I don't know... But we did it, LL! Er, Doseki! We did it! We beat Dingledorf!"
"WE DID?" I gasped.
"You totally did AWESOME!" Yumi cried. "You guys kicked arse! It made me proud to be your fairy!"
"Awww, Yumi..." I mumbled, smiling.
"Guys!" cried a voice.
We turned around and saw the Author Sages standing near the Door of Time. They all ran over to us.
"That was incredible!" Chica gasped. "What an amazing battle! It was so suspenseful! And... AWESOME!"
"I loved watching you kick that big jerk's butt, Link!" Wintyr grinned.
"I can't believe it!" I gasped. "I helped beat DINGLEDORF? And even more, I helped LINK beat Dingledorf?"
"You certainly did," Zel smiled. "We knew you could do it!"
"It will make an incredible story!" Jigglypuff said in awe. "Or... even a movie! Or a video game! How would you like your own video game, Doseki?"
I blushed. "Oh gee..."
GG was smiling too. "It was great."
"But wait," asked Link. "What did you guys do exactly?"
"Oh. We threw Dingledorf into the Sacred Realm," Wintyr explained.
"With his brother?" Link asked again, kind of alarmed.
"Yep. Isn't it great?" laughed Jigglypuff.
"Now they can spend the rest of their pitiful little lives fighting. I betcha Dingledorf will be pretty mad to find out we've locked him up with Ganny-Poo..." GG smiled.
AT THAT SECOND, IN THE SACRED REALM...
Ganondorf sat in a salon-style hair-curling chair, listening to his favorite Bananarama album, wearing his reading glasses and flipping through the latest issue of BAD GUY MONTHLY.
"Gruntilda's Beauty Tips For Ugly Girls... Hmmm... An Interview With The Dimension EXX Alliance of Dastardly Evil... OOOOH! Quick Spells For Slow And Painful Dooms, by Majora! I'll have to read THAT!"
Suddenly, a faint sound of tortured screaming became audible.
"Oh, who could that be? OH!" Ganondorf squealed, leaping up and bonking his head on the curling chair.
"OWW!" he whined. "Oh! Maybe that's my Gerudo followers! Or someone else! They FINALLY figured out a way to get me out of here! REVENGE WILL BE MINE! BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!" giggled Ganondorf maniacally.
A figure crashed to the invisible floor of Ganondorf's makeshift salon, and a loud "OOF!" was heard.
"Huh? Who are you?!" yelled Ganondorf.
"THAT VOICE!" cried the figure, standing up.
Ganondorf gasped when he stared into the muddy, beaten, gnarled, and very, VERY, VEEEERRRYYYY PO'ed face of his long-lost twin brother, Dingledorf.
"DINGLEDORF!" gasped Ganondorf.
"GANONDORF!" gasped Dingledorf. "AGGGH! THEY'VE LOCKED ME AWAY WITH MY BROTHER!?!?!?!"
"Who locked you away?" asked Ganondorf.
"YOU NEVER MIND! I'VE WAITED A LONG TIME TO GET A HOLD OF YOU!" Dingledorf shrieked, leaping upon his brother and grabbing him by the hair.
"OW! HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?! OUCH! HEY DINGLEBERRY, STOP HITTING ME! STOP! OW! OUCH! OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUCHH! CUT IT OUT! OW! OW! OW! HEY! OWWWWWW!"
"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS, NUTS?" shrieked Link. "Those two could easily escape!"
Zel laughed. "Oh, don't worry. We totally stripped him of his powers, and you know there's no way out of the Sacred Realm. Unless someone writes them out."
Link looked even more alarmed.
Cerena raised her eyebrows. "Oh puh-lease Link, you actually think we would? And we've fixed it so that no one CAN write them out of there anyway."
"How did you do that?" Yumi interjected.
"It's a really, really long story..." Wintyr sighed, "But here goes."
"I've added on to the virus. In fact, it's going to go off in two minutes," Jigglypuff said, pointing to the clock on the wall, which was now once again ticking down.
The three of us gasped.
"No, no, don't worry. We've fixed it." Chica said. "It's now called the Real Reality Virus. Instead of resetting time, the virus will reset the other virus. All of the authors will get back their memories and their powers, all of the damage done by Dingledorf and the authors will be repaired. Everything will be as it was before!"
"Oh, good!" Yumi nodded.
"Thank goodness!" I sighed. "I can't wait to go home and show my dad..."
Cerena bit her lip. "Um, that's the thing, Doseki... We're not sure if you'll still be able to use the Innocence Medallion."
"WHAT?!" I gasped. "Awww... but I liked being the Innocence Sage!"
"WHAT?" Link cried. "You're kidding me! These past seven days, all you've done is whine about getting back in your other body!"
"Well, I've kind of... grown attached to Doseki..." I said sheepishly. "Here I am just getting used to it, and now I won't be the Innocence Sage anymore."
"We never said that," GG said. "Chances are, you'll still be the Innocence Sage and you'll still be able to turn into a human. But it'll probably use a little bit more of your energy."
"Oh," I said. "But that's probably. There's still a chance."
"Isn't that always the way it goes?" shrugged Jigglypuff. "Oh, and the authors won't have any idea what happened. The only people who will still remember this week are you Link and you Doseki, the Six Sages, we six Author Sages, and the real, normal citizens of Hyrule."
"But isn't that a bad thing? The citizens?" asked Link.
"Well jeez, we couldn't fix EVERYTHING. But the authors will be back to normal, and time will resume its normal flow. That's all that matters," Wintyr said.
"You guys really did a great job this past week," Cerena smiled. "I can't remember most of it, but you really did come through."
"No kidding," Chica added. "I'm sure Destiny is proud of you too."
** OH, I AM. TRUST ME.**
The nine of us jumped in surprise when Destiny spoke.
"Oh! Destiny!" I cried. "HEY DESTINY! We did it! Link and me, we really did it!"
** I KNOW, I KNOW! WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SPEAKING TO YOU OUTSIDE THE CHAMBER OF SAGES? YOU GUYS WERE SPECTACULAR. I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE. I KNOW AT THE BEGINNING I WAS KIND OF DOUBTFUL OF YOU, AND I KNOW I WASTED A WHOLE WEEK OF BOTH OF YOUR LIVES, BUT IT NEEDED TO BE DONE. AND YOU GUYS WENT ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR ME. ALL OF HYRULE AND MYSELF THANK YOU. **
"You're welcome," I said cheerfully.
"It's our job," Link nodded.
"Sure," Yumi grinned.
** I CAN'T TALK FOR LONG OUTSIDE THE SACRED REALM, SO I'LL MAKE IT QUICK... ALSO, GREAT JOB, AUTHOR SAGES. IT WAS A SPUR OF THE MOMENT CHOICE, BUT I THINK I DID GOOD.**
"Aw, thankies Destiny!" Wintyr grinned.
"It was our pleasure!" GG smiled.
"Yeah!" Chica added.
"I'd do it again," Zel nodded.
"Honored to be of service," Jigglypuff said.
"Ditto!" Cerena laughed.
** WELL... I GUESS I'D BETTER BE- **
"Wait, Destiny... If you knew who the bad guy was this whole time why didn't you stop him? You can control that, can't you?" asked Link.
** LINKY, LINKY, LINKY... MY JOB IS TO HELP PEOPLE WITH THEIR DESTINIES. NOT TO DICTATE THEM. I COULDN'T HAVE STOPPED HIM, BECAUSE I CAN'T CONTROL ANYONE'S DESTINY. THEY HAVE TO MAKE IT UP FOR THEMSELVES. THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS JUST PUT ME IN CHARGE OF HELPING THE DESTINED TO REALIZE THAT THEY ARE INDEED, DESTINED.**
"Oh," I nodded.
** WELL, THANKS AGAIN YOU TWO. YOU'VE DONE ME PROUD. NOW IT'S TIME FOR THIS OLD GIRL TO SHUT HER TRAP AND GET BACK INTO THE SACRED REALM WHERE SHE BELONGS.**
"Awww... Will I ever talk to you again?" I asked.
** YOU KNOW THAT ANNOYING VOICE THAT EGGS YOU ON WHENEVER YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT AND ARE CONSIDERING BLOWING IT OFF? THAT'S ME. AND BESIDES THAT, I HAVE A FEELING THAT WE'LL BE SPEAKING AGAIN IN A VERY SHORT TIME PERIOD, DOSEKI. THERE'S ALWAYS THE SEQUEL, YA KNOW.**
"Oh. Bye, Destiny!" I said happily.
"Yeah, and thanks!" Link added.
"Ciao!" Yumi grinned.
** YOU GO, GUYS. ALL RIGHT, I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE THEN. DESTINY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!**
And then she shut up.
There was kind of a loud beeping noise, and the clock began to flash. There was only a minute fifteen left.
"Yikes! We'd better scram, you guys. We don't know what'll happen if we're still hanging around when the new virus goes off!" Wintyr said.
"Yeah, definitely." Cerena nodded.
"What do we do?" asked Link.
"Oh, you'll be fine. There will be a couple minutes there where you guys are just like, senseless and then the light will fade and voila! You're back where you need to be," Jigglypuff explained.
"Oh." I said.
"Well... it's been an honor helping you guys," Zel said, sweeping a little bow.
"Definitely!" Cerena nodded. "It was the coolest!"
"I guess we'll talk to you two later, after everything is settled down again." Wintyr said, shooting a glance at Link. "Especially you, sweetie."
Link turned bright red, and Yumi laughed.
Chica nodded. "Oh, look over there! Our circle has arrived! We'll see you guys later, 'K?"
"OK!" I said.
"And one last time, great job!" Jigglypuff said, racing over to the circle.
He stood on the DDR Seal, and it glowed dark green.
Chica, Cerena, Wintyr and Zel all uttered a farewell, then ran over to their respected circles. Their seals glowed too.
Hey wait... where did GG go?
I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Um, Doseki?"
It was GG. She was blushing.
"Oh, hi GG!" I grinned. "Shouldn't you be going now?"
"Gimme a sec, I need to talk to you!" she said, eyeing Link and Yumi. "Um, could we have... a minute you guys?"
"Oh, sure." Link said, grabbing Yumi and walking away. As he left, he turned around and gave me the thumbs-up. I scowled at him.
"A minute is exactly what you have, GG!" yelled Zel from the circle. "Hurry up!"
"Hey Doseki," she said once everyone had left us alone.
"Hi GG!" I grinned again.
"Um, listen... I haven't really had a chance to talk to you face-to-face in that body yet... And I guess that now's not the best time, but I have to say this... It's awfully handsome, you know." She studied my face. "Oh, but you look so awkward like that!"
I blushed. "Heh heh, uh yeah..."
That might have been the last time that GG would be able to look up and see me. In a few minutes, I would be a foot and a half shorter than her again.
"Oh, off the subject. Anyway, you probably don't know this, but I... we were watching you guys fight on the Jumbo-Vision. And... I heard what Dingledorf said to you."
"Oh... THAT." I said, blushing again. "I'm sorry GG, I know you would have preferred if I said yes but I couldn't do that to my dad and..."
"No!" GG said, dismayed. "I am SO glad you said no!"
"HUH?" I said, very confused.
"I'm not that shallow, you know." GG said, turning redder by the second. "Hey, do you think the fact that my boyfriend is a Goron bothers me?"
"Well..."
"Would I have gone out with you in the first place if it bothered me?"
"No?" I guessed.
"Of course not. Listen, I think the fact that you're a Goron bothers YOU," she explained. "Is that why what he said bugged you so much?"
"A little," I said. "Well I think so anyway... I mean, you're so pretty, and I'm... well I'm OK now, but on the other hand..."
"I don't care about that," GG said. "I thought you knew that."
"Oh." I said, my face turning almost as red as my eyes. "Are you mad at me?"
"No, I'm proud of you. That took a lot of guts, standing up to him like that. And I would never, EVER want you to do anything like that! I like you just the way you are."
"But someday..." I stammered.
"Who cares about someday? I know very well that someday we'll be too old for this silly little 'going out' thing and we'll both marry someone else. But we can be friends." GG pointed out. "And besides, is that 'someday' today?"
"No. At least, I don't think so."
"So why worry about it?" asked GG, frowning. But then she smiled.
"I don't know."
"Good. Don't worry about it."
"OK, GG." I said.
The clock was ticking even lower. It now read T-0:32...
"Um, GG, you should probably go," I said.
"Yeah, I know. But first..." she said. "I wanted to thank you again. For everything. Not just for me, but for all of the authors. They won't know what happened, so they can't thank you. But they owe you big time. And I'm thanking you on behalf of all the authors and their families, too."
"Oh. You're welcome!" I grinned.
"Well yeah... I should go now," she said, eyeing the other Author Sages, who were jumping around whistling and pointing to GG's empty Sage seal.
I turned around to head for Link and Yumi, but then GG stopped me again. "Doseki, just one more thing."
I half turned around. "Hmm, G-"
I never got a chance to finish. Because at that exact second, she grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into a big, LONG kiss right on the lips.
"MPH!" I shrieked, my eyes popping out.
It was like someone jumping out of a dark corner and smacking me on the back, screaming "SURPRISE!"
I became aware of laughing and clapping and screaming.
I realized that maybe I was insulting GG looking around. So I gradually calmed down and my eyes just kind of drifted shut.
Wow... so that's what making out was like...
I lost everything. The screaming and the laughing and everything was gone.
Eww... this is starting to sound like the script for a mush movie.
Anyway, as quickly as she had started, GG finished. She was bright, BRIGHT red, almost as red as her superheroine cape.
I'm sure I had turned a similar color.
GG hugged her chest and blushed. "I'm sorry... heh, uh... yeah... that was... sudden..."
"Um, yeah..." I muttered. "Wow... heh heh... uh..."
"Well, I... um, best be... going..."
"Yeah, uh... I guess... heh heh..."
"Um, yeah... heh heh... wow..."
"Uh... yeah... see you... later..."
"Um, yeah... Later is good..."
"Later, good... um, heh heh... yeah..."
"Bye, Doseki..." GG murmured. Then she turned totally red and scampered off to the Sage circle, where she was met by laughs and slaps on the back and thumbs-ups.
I just stood there, staring into nothing and murmuring like an idiot as I watched each of the Author Sages vanish.
GG winked at me, still blushing like crazy, before she teleported back to her home on Earth.
And that's the story of how I got my first kiss.
THE END
Ha! Just joking. You think I'd actually drop you guys off like that? And it's a bigger story than that. There's more to it, too.
Link ran over to me in dismay. "Oh you've GOT to be kidding me! I'm 20 whole years old and Wintyr's only the first non-Zora, pretty girl to kiss me. And you're only 14! AAGGGH! How do you do it?"
"... mmmmdaaaaaaaaaa..." I sputtered.
"Wow... that was sudden!" Yumi laughed.
"... mmmdaaaaaaaaaaa..." I sputtered again.
"Wait!" gasped Link. "How much time do we have left?"
We looked up at the clock to see that it now had only 13 seconds left!
"AAGGH!" I shrieked. "EEK! WHAT DO WE DO, LINK? WHADDA WE DOOOO?"
"Calm the heck down!" he yelled. "It's going to be all right!"
"What's gonna happen?" I asked worriedly.
"I don't know... but whatever will happen, we know it's for the best," Link said calmly.
A shrill and annoying buzzer began to whine, and Link, Yumi and I all huddled in a big cluster.
"THIS IS REALLY CREEPY!" I yelled.
A loud voice began to read off the numbers as the seconds clicked down.
10...
"Hold on, Link! Hold on, Doseki!"
9...
"Here goes nothing..."
8...
7...
6...
"I'M SCARED!"
5...
"NO TIME FOR THAT! JUST HOLD ON!"
4...
"HERE WE GO!"
2...
"2? WHAT HAPPENED TO 3?" shrieked Yumi.
"Just kidding," said GG's voice over the amplifier next to the countdown clock.
It's just like her to do something like that.
3...
2...
1...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"
There was a violent explosion that threw all three of us backwards and away from each other.
It was exactly like when the Reality Virus had taken over! We heard screams of terror from all over Hyrule, and even Termina, if you listened close enough.
But it was hard to hear from the howling of the wind, sucking things up and it was even harder to see from the white light.
I heard Link screaming, but not Yumi... OH NO! If Yumi had gotten hurt, I would just...
AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
It was too confusing to do anything but shut your eyes tight and ride it out.
As the wind howled, we heard the familiar tones of the Ritornello of Author-Ism blaring out over everything.
I bet the self-advertisement had been Jigglypuff's idea!
As the light shined on and the wind and the Ritornello howled, I suddenly became aware of a sensation altogether new to me.
I was falling!
No, I was standing still!
But I was falling!
It was like I was falling, even though I was standing still.
Well, that was a little redundant.
(If I had a nickel for every time I've said that so far... I'd have a dime.)
Anyway, everything is kind of blank after that. It seemed like an hour had passed, but it was only a few second's time. Kind of like math class.
The wind eventually became silent, and so did the screaming. It was just me, falling, but not falling in a huge blustery tunnel of light.
"Huh?" I gasped out.
My voice echoed for miles.
"What happened?"
It echoed again.
"Did I DIE?"
My entire body felt tingly, like I had just been given a huge shot of Novocaine. Suddenly, memories came flooding back to me, in little bits all added together.
(To get the full effect of this part, click back to the first chapter and speed-read all the way back to the next paragraph within 15 seconds.)
Nah, only kidding.
It was like in movies when people's lives flashed before their eyes when they thought they were going to die. But instead of my life, it was the last week.
I saw everything. The mountains, the desert, the forest, the graveyard... the Teletubbies, the neon lights, the tornadoes and the Shiniinoru... Galaxy, Energy, DDR, Randomness, Emotion and Truth... GG, Chica, Jigglypuff, Zel, Wintyr and Cerena...
And above all, there was an orange light at the "bottom" of the tunnel I was in. It was a warm glow that seemed to chase away all the rest of the memories and shadows away.
I wondered if the authors were going through the same thing that I was...
And then... BANG!
I hit the ground.
"Ow..." I mumbled. "That hurt..."
I suddenly felt so sleepy that I wanted to take a nap right there and then. So I did.
Hey, for all the descriptiveness, I didn't end it as well as you thought I would.
Fooooooled youuuuu...
The first thing I remember when I woke up is that I felt all tingly again. It was like a million people rubbed their wool socks on the carpet to get static charge and then started poking me on my face and arms and legs and stomach.
And with every little zap, I felt smaller and smaller.
Then it stopped.
The sun was RIGHT in my face when I opened my eyes.
"Owww... sun... too... bright!" I moaned.
I sat up. I was outside the Temple of Time. It was daytime.
The first thing I saw was Link. He was standing near me, and for some reason, all of his injuries were healed! His clothes were whole again, his hair was fixed with all the gel as usual, and he stood staring at the top of Death Mountain.
The cloud was back to normal!
"We did it!" I cheered. "We really did it! We saved Hyrule!"
"Not just Hyrule," Link said quietly. "We saved the whole world."
"I'm a HERO! Just like my DADDY!" I shouted. Jumping around, I started to sing. "OH HAAAAAAIL THE GREAT GORON HERO! HIS NAAAAAME IS LITTLE LINK! LITTLE LINK OF THE GORONS, OR HE'S LL FOR SHORT! HE'S THE GREATEST HERO SINCE DARUNIAAAAAAA!"
Suddenly, I tripped on something and went face-first into the ground.
"OOF!" I yelled. I tried to get up, and then I saw the rough yellowish tan hand in front of me.
"I'm me again!" I cried. "I'm a Goron!"
"So I noticed," Link laughed. "I'm just glad everything is back to normal!"
"Me too," I said. "Well, we THINK it's back to normal."
I reached for my Innocence Medallion, and became relieved when I found it was still there. So I was still a Sage... but did the medallion really work anymore?
"All right!" I grinned. "We did it!" I was so excited, I couldn't help but repeat myself.
"Heck yeah," Link smiled. "And I couldn't have done a better job by myself!"
"You mean it?" I gasped. "You mean I WASN'T a pain in the butt to work with?"
"Well, actually, you were. But you weren't THAT bad," Link chuckled. "And you really came through there at the end. After all, if you hadn't performed that little Sage-induced temper tantrum back there, I might be as dead as a doornail by now."
"Ah, I owed you one anyway." I said.
"What did I tell you about owing people stuff? When you're a hero, you never expect to be paid back."
"Oh yeah," I said. "Oh wait... Link, I don't really think I want to be a hero."
"You don't?" he asked, confused. "But that's all you've wanted to be from the beginning."
"I wanna be a Goron Hero instead!" I grinned.
"And what, pray tell, is a Goron Hero?"
"Just like a normal hero. Only they hire me whenever anything bad happens to the GORONS." I sighed. "It's much less stressful."
"And probably a good idea," Link said.
"You know, you could be like a, 'Kokiri Hero' or something." I suggested. "It wouldn't be hard."
"I can't. For three reasons. One, I'm the Hero of Time. That's my job. I have to save everyone's butts. Two, I'm not technically a Kokiri. And Three, I like my job just fine."
"Well, I'll like mine too!" I nodded. "And whenever something bad happens to the Gorons or Death Mountain, I'd better see your little Hylian hide there pretty darn quick, buddy."
"Oh, of course," he said. "And I'd better see your little Goron butt right there next to me, buddy."
"Sure," I sighed. "As long as no water is involved. I hate water."
Wait... something was missing.
Link was there and I was there... But for some reason... Something wasn't right...
"YUMI!" I gasped. "Link, what happened to Yumi?"
"I... I don't know!" he stammered. "I saw her on your shoulder just before the new virus went off. I didn't see her at all after that."
"Yumi!" I yelled, searching around frantically.
I turned towards the Temple of Time, briefly noticing that the giant Dingledorf-shaped hole in the side was gone. Everything had been rebuilt there.
"Yumi!" I cried out again. Then I saw something.
"Oh NO!" I gasped.
Crumpled out on the steps of the Temple of Time was a figure in purple clothes...
"Link! I found Yumi!" I yelled, running over to the fallen fairy.
She was almost as big as Link now... hmm... OH!
Yumi was really Princess of the Pixies.
Oh. I almost forgot. Yumi wasn't Yumi at all... There was no such person as Yumi! It was Princess of the Pixies.
Link raced over to us. "Oh man... Wait. This is what she's supposed to look like. I forgot."
Wow, it had taken us so long to actually remember to call her "Yumi". Now we would need to try not to, and call her "Princess" again.
Suddenly, she moved.
"Yikes!" I gasped, jumping up.
Yumi- er, Princess sat up slowly, and opened her big groggy eyes. "Ugh..." she grunted. "What... what happened?"
"Hi Princess!" I grinned.
"Huh? Oh! Link! LL! Hey, what are you guys doing in my computer room...?"
Link tapped her on the shoulder and pointed to the giant cathedral behind her.
Princess stared at the Temple, then at Link, and pointed from one to the other, muttering. "Uh... I take it... I'm... NOT... in my computer room anymore?"
"Nope," I said. "You're in Hyrule!"
"How did I get HERE?" she asked, scratching her head. "And... what happened to my clothes?"
"Ah, the mysteries of life." Link said, staring at the sky dramatically.
"Well. However I got here, I suppose I'd better get back home. My family is going to get worried." Princess stood up and dusted off her skirt. "Well, OK. Thanks for waking me up, you guys."
"No problem," I said weakly.
"It's... our job..." Link stuttered.
Princess strolled casually towards the Hyrule Castle Town Marketplace muttering things like, "Huh... this is weird..." and even her trademark, "TERRIBLY mysterious..."
Then she tripped over a rock. "HO-LY PURPLE DISHWASHERS, BATMAN!" she yelped out.
Link and I could hardly keep from laughing.
Then she disappeared into a crowd in the market.
"Our little Yumi is all grown up now..." I wailed, grabbing a Kleenex from my pocket.
"No, she's just perfectly normal. You should say that one week ago, our little Princess of the Pixies is all grown DOWN." Link corrected.
"Hey, speaking of authors, I wonder where they all are?" I asked Link.
"I have a feeling we'll find out," Link said, motioning for me to follow him to the marketplace.
It was like an author party! Almost ALL of the authors we had met on our trek were stumbling around the market confusedly.
Misty Dawn had just run into the castle town, back to her normal self. She was holding the Running Girl's Bunny Hood and walking around staring at her clothes in disbelief. "I... Misty Dawn... am wearing a freakin' TOGA!" she shrieked. "A TOGA? Why on Earth am I wearing a TOGA? I don't even think I would know where to GET a TOGA!"
The Running Man walked by at that second, and seeing Misty Dawn, shrieked in terror and raced away.
Mister Crash and Saridaru, the former Author Poes and traveling leash salespeople had found their way to the market, too.
"Why are you wearing the same clothes as me?" asked Crash angrily.
"Hey bub, I have no clue what you're talking about. You're wearing the same clothes as ME!" Saridaru said angrily.
"I'd NEVER wear ANYTHING like this under normal circumstances!" Crash said irritably. "So, I MUST be wearing your clothes..."
"Hey, me either. So it must be you who started the whole 'brown cotton shirt and white belt' fashion craze." Saridaru pointed out.
"Um, no."
"I think so."
"Uh, no."
"Come on! It had to be you!"
"Not necessarily."
"'Fess up already! I'm wearing your clothes!"
"I DO NOT WEAR FRUIT SUITS LIKE THIS!" Crash screamed.
Into the marketplace trudged Sikes, the very first author we had seen at all. You know, the one who thought he was a Goron.
"Oh my gosh... my stomach hurts..." he wailed. "I don't know what it is... it's like I just ate a whole plate full of rocks..."
"Oh, that's NOTHING!" said Myst, out of her shiny blue Zora spandex and back into more... normal clothing. "When I woke up this morning, I found myself with a LIVE FISH in my mouth!"
"So?" bragged Black Pegasus. "I was wearing a saddle."
"Yeah? Me too," said Ros51.
Angered Fairy and Blossom Waters stomped angrily into the marketplace, clad in their Gerudo halter tops.
"Ya know Blossom, next time you get us high on Sweet N' Low and sign us up to join the Gerudo, why don't you ASK me first?" Angered Fairy yelled.
"I didn't have ANY Sweet N' Low at ALL even recently!" Blossom retorted. "It must have been you."
Female Mikau and Dekugirl had somehow found their way to the market, too. It was like a great author gathering.
The Kokiri authors stumbled into the market seconds later. Lily Mucca-Chan, Kesu, Blue Wizardess, Chaosweapon, Gullwhacker, BB, and even Omnisplash (Who had NOT died, by the way) looked very unhappy.
"Hey, what's wrong, guys?" asked a regular Hylian.
"WE WOKE UP AND WE WERE WEARING EXTREMELY SMALL CLOTHES AND HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE KOKIRI!" snapped BB.
"AND WE HAVEN'T HAD OUR COFFEE!" Chaosweapon added.
"I got some right here," said Lady Alexandra Spears, one of the authors who had inhabited Hyrule Castle Town.
The Kokiri Authors greedily emptied out Alexandra's entire pot of freshly brewed magic coffee.
"Hey, thanks!" said Kesu, suddenly very pleasant.
Alexandra stared into the empty coffeepot angrily. "Oh gee, thanks for saving me some."
Link and I stared at the giant mob of authors, and shook our heads.
"Hey, you think they'd just all go home already." I said.
"Yeah, really. HEYYY, WAIT A SEC!" Link cried. "IT WAS SIX O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHEN WE WENT INTO THE TEMPLE OF TIME! NOW IT'S ONLY TEN IN THE MORNING! What happened?"
Suddenly, there was a quick flash of gold in the sky and we heard Jigglypuff's frantic voice.
AND THEN SUDDENLY REALIZING THAT WHAT HE SAID WAS TRUE, LINK PLAYED THE SUN'S SONG AND TURNED IT TO NIGHTIME AGAIN.
Link's arm turned gold and he immediately pulled out his Ocarina and played a song.
The sun totally dropped in the sky until it was almost set, and the moon was just coming up over the horizon.
"HEYY!" Link yelled.
"Well, you fixed it, at least." I shrugged.
"Come on, LL. I'm gonna take you home now."
"YAY!" I cheered happily.
Just as we exited Hyrule Castle Town, Link stopped. "Hey, look LL!"
I turned around and saw hundreds of flashes of light in the sky over the marketplace.
"The authors! They're all going home now." Link explained.
"Oh, good. Just in time for supper." I said in satisfaction.
"It looks like tomorrow will be a beautiful day..." Link smiled.
"What kind of stupid, cheesy thing to say is that?" I said in dismay.
"WHAT? Oh boy... You really have spent too much time with me, LL..." Link sighed.
To make a long story short, we made it to Death Mountain.
And FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY... we reached the entrance to HOME! GORON CITY!
"MY BELOVED HOME!" I screamed as I ran inside. "I'VE MISSED YOU TERRIBLY!"
"SON!" I heard echo throughout the city.
I heard what sounded like a stampede, and then the entire populace of Goron City, with Dad at front, rolled up to Link and me.
They all unrolled, and Dad grabbed me in a great big hug.
"OH LL! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS PAST WEEK, YOU NAUGHTY BOY? I'VE MISSED YOU TERRIBLY!" Dad cooed, squeezing me.
"DAD!" I coughed. "AIIIIR!"
"Oh, sorry," he grinned, setting me down. All of the other Gorons ran up to me and bombarded me with questions.
"Where have you been, Little Brother?"
"Did you have to eat the nasty village rocks?"
"Did you have fun?"
"Oh, you've been gone a long time! Did you have to eat... gulp... FOOD?"
"Whoa, hey, easy guys!" I whined. "I'm sleepy!"
Over all the mumbling, I could hear Dad and Link talking.
"Well, Brother... you've got some explaining to do."
"Yeah I know, Darunia."
"Where have you guys been?"
"All over the place! And LL helped me save the whole entire world!"
"WOW!" Dad cried, grabbing me in another big hug.
"OW! DAAAD!" I gulped.
"What?"
"AIIIIR!"
"Oh, sorry son." Dad let me go again.
"Oh, and Darunia?"
"Hmm, Brother?"
"I did what you said. I watched him the whole time. The kid doesn't have a scratch on him."
"Oh, good. I would hate to have to pound you."
"Oh, not as much as I would hate to have you pound me, Darunia... gulp..."
Dad clapped his hands. "Hey, shut up!" he yelled to the other Gorons. "Did you hear that? Little Brother LL has helped our hero Brother Link save the whole world!"
"WOOOO!" cheered the Gorons.
"We're going to have to have a feast tonight to celebrate!" Dad grinned.
"But Big Brother, we feasted yesterday. It was Gordo's birthday, remember?" said one Goron.
"We didn't feast the day before." Dad said.
"Yes, we did. It was the Early Late Mid Late Early Mid Late Wind Year Feast."
"How about the day before that?" asked Dad, getting a little upset.
"Uh... nope. We didn't feast that day."
"Yeah, we did. Remember? It was cloudy that day, so we had a Cloudy Day Feast."
"Good grief. You Gorons like to party." Link said, rolling his eyes.
"We like to eat even more!" I laughed.
"What's the feast today?" asked Dad.
"We don't have one today."
"Then this'll be a new feast day. The 'Little Brother Little Link of the Gorons Saved The World Today Feast!'" Dad grinned.
OH WOW! I got my own feast named after me!
OK, so I didn't care that the Gorons pretty much feasted every day for one reason or another.
"Of course, you'll stay for dinner, Link. Right?" asked Dad, nudging Link's arm.
"Uh... depends. What are we having?"
Arty, the best Goron cook in the city, stepped forward. "Big Brother, would you like the usual feast servings or the SPECIAL feast servings?"
"What's in those?" asked Link.
"Well, the usual feast servings include Roast Rock Romaine, Ground Granite, Sedimentary Soufflé, Mixed Pebble Salad, an extra big basket of Cement Sandwiches and Flint Fries, and for dessert, Bomb Flower and Malachite Ice Cream with a quart of crushed Quartz smoothies for drink."
"Um..." said Link, turning a little green. "How about the SPECIAL?"
"All of the above plus a little of the special human delicacy: MACARONI AND CHEESE!"
Link sighed in relief.
"With pebbles in it, of course."
Link turned even greener. "Um... if it's all right with you guys... could I just have a salad?"
"Bomb flower or garden?" asked Dad.
Link raised an eyebrow. "Garden, please. WAIT! What's in the garden?"
"For garden, we have to have someone run all the way to the Kokiri to pick up some Deku Nuts and leaves."
"Um, nix the salad. I'll just have some water..." Link said quietly.
"Aw, are ya sure?" asked Bubba Bo Bob Brian.
"Yes, positive." Link said quickly.
What followed was the biggest party we could remember. But then we all remembered Bill's birthday a few weeks ago when Mojo and Jimmy had had a bomb flower juice chugging contest, and then they both got sick all over the place. But then we thought again and realized that this one was bigger anyway.
Link had a glass of water while the rest of us pigged out. Man, I hadn't eaten that well in a whole week...
And then Dad proceeded to bother Link about the story of our adventure until he gave in and told everyone the story of me, Link, the authors, and the Innocence Medallion.
Leaving out only the fact that Darunia's son was now able to shape shift... Which I was pretty grateful for.
I was going to tell Dad sometime. Sometime soon. But I decided that I had better wait until he was in a very, VERY good mood.
The Gorons all listened intently. At the appropriate parts they smiled (The part when we saved each of the Author Sages), gasped (When we faced off against the bosses), screamed (when I almost fell over the bridge and when Link almost drowned in the Randomness Temple), laughed (when Link got hit in the face with all the pies, which he still didn't find very funny), and clapped. And they even whistled and "AWWWWW!"-ed when Link got to the part when Wintyr made out with him. (He didn't mention my little mishap with GG...)
The whole time, Dad was sitting behind me patting my head whenever Link said I did something good. He was grinning and laughing and just glowing with pride that his son had turned out just like him.
Link was just getting to the part about the new virus turning everything back to normal, when he looked over at me and winked.
I grinned and winked back to my new best friend in the whole wide world.
I had meant what I said about Link being even cooler now than he ever had been to me. I mean, it's great that someone is big and strong and awesome. But it's even better when you know that that person can be your friend.
When Link had finally finished, everyone clapped. I sighed and said, "Let's face it. Adventures are fun, but they take up too much napping time."
Link cracked up. "Good philosophy." Then he checked his watch. "Oh! I'd better be getting home now, guys."
Aww... but I would miss Link! I had spent the whole last week with him. It was like a slumber party or something.
"Thanks again, Brother!" Dad grinned.
Link packed up his stuff, and left me with a pat on the head and a good handshake. "I'll see ya around, LL."
"You too!" I said.
He said bye to Dad, got up off the floor from Dad's big slap on his back, and brushed himself off.
Then he marched off into the faint light from the moon outside.
"Hey Link, wait!" I cried, racing after him.
He had just passed the large stone arch leading down the mountain pass when I caught up with him.
Link sighed and turned around. "Now what?"
"Don't sound so upset," I said. "I just wanted your autograph."
"MY AUTOGRAPH?" Link asked in dismay. "Don't you already have it?"
"No. I've asked for it, but I've never gotten it."
He sighed and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and scribbled out a message.
"Hurry up. It's cold out here!" I shivered.
"Here ya go. Enjoy very much."
I looked at what he had written.
"To my friend Little Link of the Gorons. You're the best Goron hero ever. From, Big Link of the Hylians."
"Hey Link!" I yelled again. But when I looked up, he was already gone.
That guy disappeared more often than Sheik did.
"Thank you..." I called to no one in particular. "For helping make my dream come true."
"You're welcome," someone shouted back. "And thank you, too, for helping me to realize why I do this job."
"Why is that?" I called back.
"For people like you!"
And then he really was gone.
That Link... what a nice guy!
I heard footsteps behind me. "Hey LL, whaddya doin?"
"Hi Dad," I said. "Just looking at the stars."
Dad stopped next to me and stared up at them, too. "Pretty."
"Dad," I said suddenly, "Are you a widower?"
"Huh?"
"Are you a widower?"
"Oh. Your mother... No son, I'm not a widower."
"So... Mom's still alive?"
"As far as I know, yes. I just don't know where."
I sighed. "Will you tell me where she went someday?"
"Sure," he said solemnly. "She was so awesome... That's why I think we're so close, LL. You're sort of the last little bit of your mother that I have left. If anything crazy happened to you, I'd never forgive myself!"
Crazy? Uh... Would you consider shape-shifting crazy?
"So, did Link already go?"
"Yeah..." I said. "There goes the coolest guy in the world..."
"You have no idea how proud I am of you, LL." Dad sighed. "Hearing about you getting all those monsters and such... Great. Just great."
I briefly wondered what he would think when finally told him my secret.
"Um... Dad? I've got something... I need to tell you." I said weakly.
"Sure."
"Are you gonna be mad?"
"Of course not. LL, I've been around the block a few times. There's nothing you could tell me that would make me get mad!"
Oh, believe me, Dad... this just might do it.
"OK..."
"What is it?"
"Um... You know how I'm the Innocence Sage and all?"
"Yeah?"
"Well... um... I found out that I..."
"Yes?"
"Um... I..."
"Go on. I'm listening."
"I..." Oh jeez, how was I going to say this? Oh. I got it!
"I made out with GG." I said quickly.
"Oh, is that all? Heh heh, lady-killer..." Dad chuckled. "Yeah, I'm not mad at all. I like her. She reminds me of your mother."
I sighed. PHEW! That was close.
But then Dad scratched his head. "What, did you use a stepping stool or something?"
Whoops...
"Ah, never mind." I murmured.
Dad got me in another huge hug, and said, "OH! My little boy is growing up so fast! Next thing you know you'll be studying at the Goron University, learning about rocks and minerals and mining practices and..."
"Whoa, slow down Dad! I'm only 3 and 14, ya know."
No, it's not over yet. Sorry.
I sighed and flopped down in my bed. "AHHH!" I sighed. "This bed feels great!"
It was now pretty late at night. Link had gone home hours ago, and I was stuffed full from the "Little Brother Little Link of the Gorons Saved The World Today Feast". It was time to settle down and go to bed in my own room for the first time in seven whole days.
I gazed up at the picture I had tacked on the wall seconds earlier.
It had somehow appeared on my dresser when we were all listening to Link's dramatic re-enactment of the story. But I knew exactly what it was and where it came from.
Remember back in the Kokiri Forest, when BB took Link, Yumi and my pictures with her Polaroid? I guess she must have found the Polaroids in her pocket when she woke up, and given them to her older sister GG when she didn't know where they had come from.
It was the one where I was giving Yumi the bunny ears. Maybe one day I would show it to Princess and see what kind of reaction I got.
Dad stepped into my room. "Hey LL, Arty just whipped up a batch of Cement Chocolate Chip cookies... your favorite! You want some?"
"Um... sure, Dad!" I said. "I'll just going to be reading in here for a while."
"Oh, OK. I'll bring them in when they're done," Dad said, and then he turned around and left.
I reached for my copy of "Les Mise-Rock", the classic Goron romance, when I saw the Innocence Medallion sitting on my bedside table.
I stared at it for a second. Then I picked it up.
"Well, little friend... You've caused me a lot of trouble over the past week," I said to it. "And I know I did a lot of whining, but the truth is, you've never let me down. Thanks a ton."
Then I realized that I was talking to a medallion, and I kind of rolled my eyes.
"No, sorry. It's not you, it's me. Heh heh, I wonder if you still work, anyhoo..."
Hey... I DID wonder if it DID still work...
I stood up and walked over to the mirror on the wall. Hmmm... It did look pretty good on me. The medallion, I mean. Not the mirror.
"Let's give this a shot..." I said. "Innocence Medallion, Transform!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
HEY! IT DID STILL WORK!
"Hey! Thanks!" I said to my medallion. I did feel a bit dizzy this time, but GG had said that that might happen.
I stared at the mirror again. OK, so I couldn't get used to the fact that I had pinkish skin. Multi-colored eyes were something I had never even considered owning. The hair was a little messy and looked weird all over my head. And no beard... that was a problem.
But I was used to it. I mean, now when I saw this guy, I really did see me, and not just some weirdo other form of mine.
"And thanks to you too, Doseki. Whoever you really are." I shrugged.
"I'm you, stupid."
EH? Did I just say that?
Oh. Of course I did.
"You silly Goron. I am you. You're just thanking yourself."
"Oh. Of course."
Something was resting on my mind... Hmmm... I was supposed to remember something... but what was it... something was going to happen in a minute... But I couldn't remember for the life of me what it was...
"OK LL! Your cookies are here!"
OH NO! DAD!
"LL? You in here, L-" Dad stopped dead in his tracks.
I spun around. "Uhhhh... Hi... Dad?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked my father. Then his eyes rolled back and he collapsed into a dead faint, dropping the cookies all over the floor.
"Innocence Medallion return, and QUICK!" I hissed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The other Gorons arrived just as I reappeared as a Goron. "OH NO! BIG BROTHER!" gasped Phil.
They all dropped down and started smacking Dad and waving rocks under his nose.
I sat down on my bed and picked up a cookie off the floor. 5 second rule, it was still a perfectly good cookie.
Man, was I going to have to think of a story to tell Dad about why there was a human in my room, and quick, too.
I took a little bite out of it and watched the Gorons try to revive my dad.
Things were back to normal!
Hey, wait a sec. I'm a half rock, half turtle-looking creature who lives in a video game world.
I eat rocks and can turn into a human.
I have a human girlfriend who's secretly a superheroine.
I had just paired up with a wannabe fairy and a guy in a skirt (oops. TUNIC!) to save the world from a computer virus, a bunch of crazy fan fic authors, and a guy whose name includes the word DINGLE.
There's nothing normal about that.
Well, things were back to AB-normal, anyway!
END!
by Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER TWENTY: THE FREAKY WEEKY ENDS -or- THE LAST CHAPTER
Disclaimer: I don't own Zelda, Barbie, the other authors, or anything really. SCREW THE OTHER STUFF! IT'S THE LAST CHAPTER! LET'S GET RIGHT TO IT!
Hi it's me, for the last time! I'm going to get right to the point because I want to see what happens... All right, last chapter, Link, Yumi and I engaged in battle with Dingledorf Miltonia Melvin Farnsworth Dragmire III, and it was action-packed! Oh, and Dingledorf offered to change the virus so that it would make me human forever, but it would also make me his son... Ewww... talk about bad bloodlines... I said no, yadda, yadda, yadda, and then I did this big cool Sage spell thing that weakened Dingledorf enough for the Author Sages to get him! Let's see how it ends! I hope it's happy... I love happy endings...
Dingledorf heard the Ritornello and stared at Link. "That song... what's that song? What is it? ANSWER ME?"
"It's the song that just sealed your fate, you jerk!" Yumi laughed.
We heard six more voices chuckling, and six beams of light shot through the roof of the Temple of Time.
In each beam appeared one of the Author Sages, laughing and standing on their own big replicas of their medallions, floating in mid-air. In the center of their circle floated the Mighty Laptop of Authorness.
"Oh boy oh boy oh boy..." Jigglypuff giggled.
"Ohhhh, are you in trouble now, Dingle-Berry!" Cerena laughed.
"We're going to make you wish you'd stayed by the river..." Wintyr smirked.
"This will be SO entertaining!" GG grinned.
"Very much so," Chica added.
"Quite very much so..." Zel snickered.
Dingledorf turned to the Author Sages in rage. "YOU! You don't scare me, you pitiful humans! Watch! That clock is ticking down to your doom!"
Dingledorf pointed to his clock, which had somehow frozen on 2:30.
"WHAT? What... but... how?" he sputtered.
Zel pressed the Enter key on the Laptop and handed it to Wintyr. "I assure you good sir, it has been my pleasure helping to ruin your day," Zel smiled. Zel's voice echoed through the temple as what she wrote took effect.
FOR SOME ODD REASON, THE CLOCK STOPPED COUNTING DOWN ALTOGETHER. IT REMAINED FROZEN AT 2:30.
Wintyr cracked her knuckles and turned to Link and me. "Don't worry you two... We'll make sure you don't get affected by the Laptop."
Wintyr clicked a few letters on the keyboard, and the sound of her voice echoed through the temple.
DINGLEDORF SUDDENLY BEGAN TO GLOW WITH A GOLDEN LIGHT. HE FOUND HIMSELF UNABLE TO MOVE, AND HE COULD NOT SUMMON THE STRENGTH TO FIGHT OFF THE SPELL.
Sure enough, Dingledorf began to glow with a golden light. He looked at himself in horror and tried to move, but he found himself frozen in the power of Wintyr's writing.
"ACK!" he yelled. "This isn't possible! I'M supposed to be controlling YOU!"
Cerena took the Laptop from Wintyr, and typed in a sentence or two. Now her voice echoed through the temple.
WHILE DINGLEDORF REMAINED FROZEN, TWO ULTRA-DELUXE ARMCHAIRS COMPLETE WITH A SNACK BAR, A LARGE TUB OF POPCORN, AND EVEN A LITTLE RECLINER FOR YUMI APPEARED NEXT TO LINK AND DOSEKI.
Seconds later, two armchairs appeared next to Link and me, and we both took a seat for a snack. Yumi joined us, too.
"Hey, thanks guys!" I called up.
"No problem. Our pleasure," said Chica, taking the Laptop from the Sage of Truth.
DINGLEDORF'S RIGHT ARM SWUNG UP AND SMACKED HIM IN THE HEAD. HARD. REPEATEDLY, I MIGHT ADD.
Dingledorf kept smacking himself in the head. "OH YEAH? You think you're so tough with your big laptop! Well I can do something about that! Just WATCH me beat it!"
The inept little sorcerer tried with all his might to stop his right hand. But he found he couldn't do it.
"This isn't POSSSSSSIBLE! You can't control everything with a LAPTOP!" Dingledorf screamed in rage, his lisp standing out over everything.
"Wanna bet?" yelled Jigglypuff, borrowing the Laptop from Chica.
DESPITE AN ARGUMENT FROM DINGLEDORF, THE IDIOT'S CLOTHES TURNED FROM AN AVERAGE WARLORD GERUDO'S GRAY OR BLACK ARMOR AND CAPE TO A STYLISH PINK ENSEMBLE FROM THIS SPRING'S BARBIE CLOTHES LINE: A MINISKIRT AND ADORABLE PINK TANKTOP!
"Oh you WOULDN'T!" Dingledorf shrieked. "You wouldn't DARE change my clothes!" he added, as Jigglypuff's voice changed his clothes.
"AAGGGH!" he shrieked. "MY MANLY BLACK... er, GRAY CLOTHES!"
He was still smacking himself in the head. Meanwhile, Link, Yumi and I were enjoying tall, frosty mugs of root beer and a good laugh.
"Lookin' good," GG laughed, taking the Laptop from Jigglypuff. "Now watch as I succumb the already blushing brute to some of the most heartless humiliation ever known..."
DINGLEDORF WAS ALREADY EMBARRASSED, BUT HE HAD NO CLUE JUST HOW BAD IT WAS ABOUT TO GET. HE GASPED AS HE SUDDENLY APPEARED BEFORE THE ENTIRE GERUDO TRIBE IN NOTHING BUT HIS CUTE HEART-SPANGLED PINK BOXERS WITH MATCHING HALTER TOP WHILE BELTING OUT BROADWAY SHOW TUNES. IN A SQUEAKY ADOLESCENT VOICE, I MIGHT ADD
"NOOOOOO!" Dingledorf screamed, as hundreds of fake Gerudos appeared in the room. Jigglypuff's miniskirt and tanktop vanished, and were replaced by pink heart boxer shorts and a matching halter top. Then he uncontrollably began to squeak out show tunes.
"GIVE my re-GARDS to BROOOOOAAAAAD-way!" he squealed. "TAKE ME TO HERALD S-QUAAAAAAREEEE!"
The other Sages clapped as GG handed the Laptop back to Zel.
"MEEEEEEEMORIEEEEEES! ALL ALONE IN THE MOOOOOOOOOOOOONLIIIIIIIIGHT! ALL ALONE IN THE STREEEEEEEEEEEETLIIIIIGHT!"
BEFORE CONTINUING, ZEL SYMPATHETICALLY SUPPLIED LINK, DOSEKI AND YUMI WITH EARPLUGS. THEN, SHE GAVE DINGLEDORF A COMPLIMENTARY PAPERCUT ON THE SKIN BETWEEN EACH OF HIS FINGERS.
The bad guy screamed in pain, and then he yelled out again, "IIIIIF I WERE A RICH MAAAAAN! AYYYYBA DAYYYBA DAAAYYYYBA DAAAAAYYYBA DAYBA DAAAAYYYYBA DAAAAAAAAA!"
"Well that's quite enough of that," Wintyr said, rolling her eyes. She took the laptop from Zel and typed something in.
BORED WITH SHOW TUNES, DINGLEDORF INVOLUNTARILY DECIDED TO SING THE THEME SONGS FROM SEVERAL POPULAR TV SHOWS. YOU KNOW, THE ONES WITH THE REALLY ANNOYING SINGERS.
"POKEMON!" screamed Dingledorf. "GOTTA CATCH 'EM AAAAAALL! IT'S YOU AND MEEE! I KNOW IT'S MY DEEEEE-STIIIINYYY!"
"This is fun and all guys, but we need to think of some way to get rid of him for good!" Cerena said, taking the Laptop from Wintyr.
"Good idea," Jigglypuff said. "How about... Um..."
"Well, we could..." Chica started. "Er, maybe not..."
"OH! I GOT IT!" GG yelled. "The most ironic ending of all! The one that would make so much sense but that hardly anyone would expect!"
"I think I know what she means..." Cerena grinned, typing in something.
DINGLEDORF WAS BACK IN HIS OLD CLOTHES WITHIN SECONDS. HE STOPPED THE SINGING, THE SMACKING, AND THE GERUDOS ALL DISAPPEARED. BECAUSE THE AUTHOR SAGES HAD PLANNED SOMETHING EXCELLENT...
She handed it to Chica, who continued.
THE AUTHOR SAGES, DESPITE THEIR COMPLETE LACK OF KNOW-HOW ABOUT VIRUSES AND SUCH, SOMEHOW TAPPED INTO THE CENTRAL PART OF DINGLEDORF'S VIRUS.
Jigglypuff took it from there.
JIGGLYPUFF MADE A FEW MINOR ADJUSTMENTS, (TO BE REVEALED LATER) AND THEN THE SAGES SEALED UP THE VIRUS FILES FOREVER. THEY COULD NEVER BE CHANGED AGAIN BY ANYBODY.
Wintyr whispered something to GG, and GG handed the computer from Jigglypuff to Wintyr.
SUDDENLY, THE HYLIAN SENATE MADE MONOGAMY LEGAL, AND SECONDS LATER, LINK AND KAFEI BOTH FOUND THEMSELVES MARRIED TO WINTYR
Link screamed, and GG gasped and threw Wintyr a Look.
"I tried!" she shrugged, typing in something else.
NO, JUST KIDDING... BUT IT WOULD HAVE BEEN AN UNEXPECTED ENDING, RIGHT?
GG then took the computer from Wintyr, and shaking her head, typed in the rest.
AND THEN, IT WAS TIME TO END EVERYTHING. THE AUTHOR SAGES USED THEIR POWERS COMBINED TO OPEN UP A PORTAL INTO THE SACRED REALM RIGHT BELOW DINGLEDORF. THE POWER OF ITS FORCE PULLED AND PULLED ON THE EVIL WANNABE, WHO GRABBED ONTO THE WALL AND WHINED PITIFULLY, AS USUAL
Everything came true. A huge, blinding light appeared in the floor below Dingledorf, and the glow vanished. Dingledorf screamed and jumped away, grabbing onto the wall and whining pitifully.
"NO! NO! IT'S NOT FAIR! I WANT TO RULE THE WORLD! I WANT A CHANCE! PLEASE! I WANTED TO BE THE KING! THAT'S ALL! I WOULD HAVE BEEN A GOOD KING! NOO! YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! I DON'T WANNA LOSE! I WANT TO BE THE KING! I WANNA, I WANNA, I WANNA!"
GG rolled her eyes and added more.
BORED OF HIS WHINING, THE AUTHOR SAGES ALSO CREATED A GAG TO STUFF IN HIS MOUTH. APPROPRIATELY, ONE OF HIS OWN DIRTY SOCKS. AAANYWAY, DINGLEDORF'S FINGERS WERE RAPIDLY SLIPPING OFF THE WALL. HE SPIT OUT THE SOCK, LET OUT ONE LAST CURSE, AND THEN THE BLINDING LIGHT ERUPTED FROM THE PORTAL AND FILLED THE ROOM.
Dingledorf spit out the sock, and Link, Yumi and I all stood up.
"I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS, YOU JERKS! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, LINK! YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, YOU STUPID FAIRY! AND... YOU WILL LIVE TO REGRET THIS, YOU WEASELY LITTLE GORON! I WILL MAKE IT SO YOU'LL WISH YOU'D NEVER HEARD OF THE DRAGMIRES! I WILL-"
Then, the three of us covered our eyes and as written, the light exploded from the portal and filled the entire room.
It was just like when the virus had started... the light covered everything, and we could not see at all! I covered my eyes, and waited for it to be over. We heard screaming coming from the direction of Dingledorf.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" he screamed. "NOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
We heard a WOOOOOOOOP sound as Dingledorf went flying into the portal, screaming all the way. Then a high pitched howling filled the air as the light began to be sucked back into the portal as well, sealing the door from the Sacred Realm to Hyrule.
The howling began to die down, and WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSHHHHHHHHHHHH...
POP!
Everything was quiet.
I moved my hands from over my eyes and looked around. Everything was still the same. The holes in the walls, the dust from the holes in the walls, and everything. But the armchairs, and Dingledorf, were gone.
"L-L-Link?" I stuttered. "What happened?"
I stared at my hands. They were still human... So what had the Author Sages done?
Link looked around. "I... I don't know... But we did it, LL! Er, Doseki! We did it! We beat Dingledorf!"
"WE DID?" I gasped.
"You totally did AWESOME!" Yumi cried. "You guys kicked arse! It made me proud to be your fairy!"
"Awww, Yumi..." I mumbled, smiling.
"Guys!" cried a voice.
We turned around and saw the Author Sages standing near the Door of Time. They all ran over to us.
"That was incredible!" Chica gasped. "What an amazing battle! It was so suspenseful! And... AWESOME!"
"I loved watching you kick that big jerk's butt, Link!" Wintyr grinned.
"I can't believe it!" I gasped. "I helped beat DINGLEDORF? And even more, I helped LINK beat Dingledorf?"
"You certainly did," Zel smiled. "We knew you could do it!"
"It will make an incredible story!" Jigglypuff said in awe. "Or... even a movie! Or a video game! How would you like your own video game, Doseki?"
I blushed. "Oh gee..."
GG was smiling too. "It was great."
"But wait," asked Link. "What did you guys do exactly?"
"Oh. We threw Dingledorf into the Sacred Realm," Wintyr explained.
"With his brother?" Link asked again, kind of alarmed.
"Yep. Isn't it great?" laughed Jigglypuff.
"Now they can spend the rest of their pitiful little lives fighting. I betcha Dingledorf will be pretty mad to find out we've locked him up with Ganny-Poo..." GG smiled.
AT THAT SECOND, IN THE SACRED REALM...
Ganondorf sat in a salon-style hair-curling chair, listening to his favorite Bananarama album, wearing his reading glasses and flipping through the latest issue of BAD GUY MONTHLY.
"Gruntilda's Beauty Tips For Ugly Girls... Hmmm... An Interview With The Dimension EXX Alliance of Dastardly Evil... OOOOH! Quick Spells For Slow And Painful Dooms, by Majora! I'll have to read THAT!"
Suddenly, a faint sound of tortured screaming became audible.
"Oh, who could that be? OH!" Ganondorf squealed, leaping up and bonking his head on the curling chair.
"OWW!" he whined. "Oh! Maybe that's my Gerudo followers! Or someone else! They FINALLY figured out a way to get me out of here! REVENGE WILL BE MINE! BWAAAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAAA!" giggled Ganondorf maniacally.
A figure crashed to the invisible floor of Ganondorf's makeshift salon, and a loud "OOF!" was heard.
"Huh? Who are you?!" yelled Ganondorf.
"THAT VOICE!" cried the figure, standing up.
Ganondorf gasped when he stared into the muddy, beaten, gnarled, and very, VERY, VEEEERRRYYYY PO'ed face of his long-lost twin brother, Dingledorf.
"DINGLEDORF!" gasped Ganondorf.
"GANONDORF!" gasped Dingledorf. "AGGGH! THEY'VE LOCKED ME AWAY WITH MY BROTHER!?!?!?!"
"Who locked you away?" asked Ganondorf.
"YOU NEVER MIND! I'VE WAITED A LONG TIME TO GET A HOLD OF YOU!" Dingledorf shrieked, leaping upon his brother and grabbing him by the hair.
"OW! HEY! WHAT'S THE BIG IDEA?! OUCH! HEY DINGLEBERRY, STOP HITTING ME! STOP! OW! OUCH! OOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUCHH! CUT IT OUT! OW! OW! OW! HEY! OWWWWWW!"
"WHAT ARE YOU GUYS, NUTS?" shrieked Link. "Those two could easily escape!"
Zel laughed. "Oh, don't worry. We totally stripped him of his powers, and you know there's no way out of the Sacred Realm. Unless someone writes them out."
Link looked even more alarmed.
Cerena raised her eyebrows. "Oh puh-lease Link, you actually think we would? And we've fixed it so that no one CAN write them out of there anyway."
"How did you do that?" Yumi interjected.
"It's a really, really long story..." Wintyr sighed, "But here goes."
"I've added on to the virus. In fact, it's going to go off in two minutes," Jigglypuff said, pointing to the clock on the wall, which was now once again ticking down.
The three of us gasped.
"No, no, don't worry. We've fixed it." Chica said. "It's now called the Real Reality Virus. Instead of resetting time, the virus will reset the other virus. All of the authors will get back their memories and their powers, all of the damage done by Dingledorf and the authors will be repaired. Everything will be as it was before!"
"Oh, good!" Yumi nodded.
"Thank goodness!" I sighed. "I can't wait to go home and show my dad..."
Cerena bit her lip. "Um, that's the thing, Doseki... We're not sure if you'll still be able to use the Innocence Medallion."
"WHAT?!" I gasped. "Awww... but I liked being the Innocence Sage!"
"WHAT?" Link cried. "You're kidding me! These past seven days, all you've done is whine about getting back in your other body!"
"Well, I've kind of... grown attached to Doseki..." I said sheepishly. "Here I am just getting used to it, and now I won't be the Innocence Sage anymore."
"We never said that," GG said. "Chances are, you'll still be the Innocence Sage and you'll still be able to turn into a human. But it'll probably use a little bit more of your energy."
"Oh," I said. "But that's probably. There's still a chance."
"Isn't that always the way it goes?" shrugged Jigglypuff. "Oh, and the authors won't have any idea what happened. The only people who will still remember this week are you Link and you Doseki, the Six Sages, we six Author Sages, and the real, normal citizens of Hyrule."
"But isn't that a bad thing? The citizens?" asked Link.
"Well jeez, we couldn't fix EVERYTHING. But the authors will be back to normal, and time will resume its normal flow. That's all that matters," Wintyr said.
"You guys really did a great job this past week," Cerena smiled. "I can't remember most of it, but you really did come through."
"No kidding," Chica added. "I'm sure Destiny is proud of you too."
** OH, I AM. TRUST ME.**
The nine of us jumped in surprise when Destiny spoke.
"Oh! Destiny!" I cried. "HEY DESTINY! We did it! Link and me, we really did it!"
** I KNOW, I KNOW! WHY DO YOU THINK I'M SPEAKING TO YOU OUTSIDE THE CHAMBER OF SAGES? YOU GUYS WERE SPECTACULAR. I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE. I KNOW AT THE BEGINNING I WAS KIND OF DOUBTFUL OF YOU, AND I KNOW I WASTED A WHOLE WEEK OF BOTH OF YOUR LIVES, BUT IT NEEDED TO BE DONE. AND YOU GUYS WENT ABOVE AND BEYOND FOR ME. ALL OF HYRULE AND MYSELF THANK YOU. **
"You're welcome," I said cheerfully.
"It's our job," Link nodded.
"Sure," Yumi grinned.
** I CAN'T TALK FOR LONG OUTSIDE THE SACRED REALM, SO I'LL MAKE IT QUICK... ALSO, GREAT JOB, AUTHOR SAGES. IT WAS A SPUR OF THE MOMENT CHOICE, BUT I THINK I DID GOOD.**
"Aw, thankies Destiny!" Wintyr grinned.
"It was our pleasure!" GG smiled.
"Yeah!" Chica added.
"I'd do it again," Zel nodded.
"Honored to be of service," Jigglypuff said.
"Ditto!" Cerena laughed.
** WELL... I GUESS I'D BETTER BE- **
"Wait, Destiny... If you knew who the bad guy was this whole time why didn't you stop him? You can control that, can't you?" asked Link.
** LINKY, LINKY, LINKY... MY JOB IS TO HELP PEOPLE WITH THEIR DESTINIES. NOT TO DICTATE THEM. I COULDN'T HAVE STOPPED HIM, BECAUSE I CAN'T CONTROL ANYONE'S DESTINY. THEY HAVE TO MAKE IT UP FOR THEMSELVES. THE BIG MAN UPSTAIRS JUST PUT ME IN CHARGE OF HELPING THE DESTINED TO REALIZE THAT THEY ARE INDEED, DESTINED.**
"Oh," I nodded.
** WELL, THANKS AGAIN YOU TWO. YOU'VE DONE ME PROUD. NOW IT'S TIME FOR THIS OLD GIRL TO SHUT HER TRAP AND GET BACK INTO THE SACRED REALM WHERE SHE BELONGS.**
"Awww... Will I ever talk to you again?" I asked.
** YOU KNOW THAT ANNOYING VOICE THAT EGGS YOU ON WHENEVER YOU HAVE A CHANCE TO DO SOMETHING IMPORTANT AND ARE CONSIDERING BLOWING IT OFF? THAT'S ME. AND BESIDES THAT, I HAVE A FEELING THAT WE'LL BE SPEAKING AGAIN IN A VERY SHORT TIME PERIOD, DOSEKI. THERE'S ALWAYS THE SEQUEL, YA KNOW.**
"Oh. Bye, Destiny!" I said happily.
"Yeah, and thanks!" Link added.
"Ciao!" Yumi grinned.
** YOU GO, GUYS. ALL RIGHT, I GUESS THIS IS GOODBYE THEN. DESTINY HAS LEFT THE BUILDING!**
And then she shut up.
There was kind of a loud beeping noise, and the clock began to flash. There was only a minute fifteen left.
"Yikes! We'd better scram, you guys. We don't know what'll happen if we're still hanging around when the new virus goes off!" Wintyr said.
"Yeah, definitely." Cerena nodded.
"What do we do?" asked Link.
"Oh, you'll be fine. There will be a couple minutes there where you guys are just like, senseless and then the light will fade and voila! You're back where you need to be," Jigglypuff explained.
"Oh." I said.
"Well... it's been an honor helping you guys," Zel said, sweeping a little bow.
"Definitely!" Cerena nodded. "It was the coolest!"
"I guess we'll talk to you two later, after everything is settled down again." Wintyr said, shooting a glance at Link. "Especially you, sweetie."
Link turned bright red, and Yumi laughed.
Chica nodded. "Oh, look over there! Our circle has arrived! We'll see you guys later, 'K?"
"OK!" I said.
"And one last time, great job!" Jigglypuff said, racing over to the circle.
He stood on the DDR Seal, and it glowed dark green.
Chica, Cerena, Wintyr and Zel all uttered a farewell, then ran over to their respected circles. Their seals glowed too.
Hey wait... where did GG go?
I felt a tap on my shoulder. "Um, Doseki?"
It was GG. She was blushing.
"Oh, hi GG!" I grinned. "Shouldn't you be going now?"
"Gimme a sec, I need to talk to you!" she said, eyeing Link and Yumi. "Um, could we have... a minute you guys?"
"Oh, sure." Link said, grabbing Yumi and walking away. As he left, he turned around and gave me the thumbs-up. I scowled at him.
"A minute is exactly what you have, GG!" yelled Zel from the circle. "Hurry up!"
"Hey Doseki," she said once everyone had left us alone.
"Hi GG!" I grinned again.
"Um, listen... I haven't really had a chance to talk to you face-to-face in that body yet... And I guess that now's not the best time, but I have to say this... It's awfully handsome, you know." She studied my face. "Oh, but you look so awkward like that!"
I blushed. "Heh heh, uh yeah..."
That might have been the last time that GG would be able to look up and see me. In a few minutes, I would be a foot and a half shorter than her again.
"Oh, off the subject. Anyway, you probably don't know this, but I... we were watching you guys fight on the Jumbo-Vision. And... I heard what Dingledorf said to you."
"Oh... THAT." I said, blushing again. "I'm sorry GG, I know you would have preferred if I said yes but I couldn't do that to my dad and..."
"No!" GG said, dismayed. "I am SO glad you said no!"
"HUH?" I said, very confused.
"I'm not that shallow, you know." GG said, turning redder by the second. "Hey, do you think the fact that my boyfriend is a Goron bothers me?"
"Well..."
"Would I have gone out with you in the first place if it bothered me?"
"No?" I guessed.
"Of course not. Listen, I think the fact that you're a Goron bothers YOU," she explained. "Is that why what he said bugged you so much?"
"A little," I said. "Well I think so anyway... I mean, you're so pretty, and I'm... well I'm OK now, but on the other hand..."
"I don't care about that," GG said. "I thought you knew that."
"Oh." I said, my face turning almost as red as my eyes. "Are you mad at me?"
"No, I'm proud of you. That took a lot of guts, standing up to him like that. And I would never, EVER want you to do anything like that! I like you just the way you are."
"But someday..." I stammered.
"Who cares about someday? I know very well that someday we'll be too old for this silly little 'going out' thing and we'll both marry someone else. But we can be friends." GG pointed out. "And besides, is that 'someday' today?"
"No. At least, I don't think so."
"So why worry about it?" asked GG, frowning. But then she smiled.
"I don't know."
"Good. Don't worry about it."
"OK, GG." I said.
The clock was ticking even lower. It now read T-0:32...
"Um, GG, you should probably go," I said.
"Yeah, I know. But first..." she said. "I wanted to thank you again. For everything. Not just for me, but for all of the authors. They won't know what happened, so they can't thank you. But they owe you big time. And I'm thanking you on behalf of all the authors and their families, too."
"Oh. You're welcome!" I grinned.
"Well yeah... I should go now," she said, eyeing the other Author Sages, who were jumping around whistling and pointing to GG's empty Sage seal.
I turned around to head for Link and Yumi, but then GG stopped me again. "Doseki, just one more thing."
I half turned around. "Hmm, G-"
I never got a chance to finish. Because at that exact second, she grabbed me by the shoulders and pulled me into a big, LONG kiss right on the lips.
"MPH!" I shrieked, my eyes popping out.
It was like someone jumping out of a dark corner and smacking me on the back, screaming "SURPRISE!"
I became aware of laughing and clapping and screaming.
I realized that maybe I was insulting GG looking around. So I gradually calmed down and my eyes just kind of drifted shut.
Wow... so that's what making out was like...
I lost everything. The screaming and the laughing and everything was gone.
Eww... this is starting to sound like the script for a mush movie.
Anyway, as quickly as she had started, GG finished. She was bright, BRIGHT red, almost as red as her superheroine cape.
I'm sure I had turned a similar color.
GG hugged her chest and blushed. "I'm sorry... heh, uh... yeah... that was... sudden..."
"Um, yeah..." I muttered. "Wow... heh heh... uh..."
"Well, I... um, best be... going..."
"Yeah, uh... I guess... heh heh..."
"Um, yeah... heh heh... wow..."
"Uh... yeah... see you... later..."
"Um, yeah... Later is good..."
"Later, good... um, heh heh... yeah..."
"Bye, Doseki..." GG murmured. Then she turned totally red and scampered off to the Sage circle, where she was met by laughs and slaps on the back and thumbs-ups.
I just stood there, staring into nothing and murmuring like an idiot as I watched each of the Author Sages vanish.
GG winked at me, still blushing like crazy, before she teleported back to her home on Earth.
And that's the story of how I got my first kiss.
THE END
Ha! Just joking. You think I'd actually drop you guys off like that? And it's a bigger story than that. There's more to it, too.
Link ran over to me in dismay. "Oh you've GOT to be kidding me! I'm 20 whole years old and Wintyr's only the first non-Zora, pretty girl to kiss me. And you're only 14! AAGGGH! How do you do it?"
"... mmmmdaaaaaaaaaa..." I sputtered.
"Wow... that was sudden!" Yumi laughed.
"... mmmdaaaaaaaaaaa..." I sputtered again.
"Wait!" gasped Link. "How much time do we have left?"
We looked up at the clock to see that it now had only 13 seconds left!
"AAGGH!" I shrieked. "EEK! WHAT DO WE DO, LINK? WHADDA WE DOOOO?"
"Calm the heck down!" he yelled. "It's going to be all right!"
"What's gonna happen?" I asked worriedly.
"I don't know... but whatever will happen, we know it's for the best," Link said calmly.
A shrill and annoying buzzer began to whine, and Link, Yumi and I all huddled in a big cluster.
"THIS IS REALLY CREEPY!" I yelled.
A loud voice began to read off the numbers as the seconds clicked down.
10...
"Hold on, Link! Hold on, Doseki!"
9...
"Here goes nothing..."
8...
7...
6...
"I'M SCARED!"
5...
"NO TIME FOR THAT! JUST HOLD ON!"
4...
"HERE WE GO!"
2...
"2? WHAT HAPPENED TO 3?" shrieked Yumi.
"Just kidding," said GG's voice over the amplifier next to the countdown clock.
It's just like her to do something like that.
3...
2...
1...
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"
There was a violent explosion that threw all three of us backwards and away from each other.
It was exactly like when the Reality Virus had taken over! We heard screams of terror from all over Hyrule, and even Termina, if you listened close enough.
But it was hard to hear from the howling of the wind, sucking things up and it was even harder to see from the white light.
I heard Link screaming, but not Yumi... OH NO! If Yumi had gotten hurt, I would just...
AAAAAAGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
It was too confusing to do anything but shut your eyes tight and ride it out.
As the wind howled, we heard the familiar tones of the Ritornello of Author-Ism blaring out over everything.
I bet the self-advertisement had been Jigglypuff's idea!
As the light shined on and the wind and the Ritornello howled, I suddenly became aware of a sensation altogether new to me.
I was falling!
No, I was standing still!
But I was falling!
It was like I was falling, even though I was standing still.
Well, that was a little redundant.
(If I had a nickel for every time I've said that so far... I'd have a dime.)
Anyway, everything is kind of blank after that. It seemed like an hour had passed, but it was only a few second's time. Kind of like math class.
The wind eventually became silent, and so did the screaming. It was just me, falling, but not falling in a huge blustery tunnel of light.
"Huh?" I gasped out.
My voice echoed for miles.
"What happened?"
It echoed again.
"Did I DIE?"
My entire body felt tingly, like I had just been given a huge shot of Novocaine. Suddenly, memories came flooding back to me, in little bits all added together.
(To get the full effect of this part, click back to the first chapter and speed-read all the way back to the next paragraph within 15 seconds.)
Nah, only kidding.
It was like in movies when people's lives flashed before their eyes when they thought they were going to die. But instead of my life, it was the last week.
I saw everything. The mountains, the desert, the forest, the graveyard... the Teletubbies, the neon lights, the tornadoes and the Shiniinoru... Galaxy, Energy, DDR, Randomness, Emotion and Truth... GG, Chica, Jigglypuff, Zel, Wintyr and Cerena...
And above all, there was an orange light at the "bottom" of the tunnel I was in. It was a warm glow that seemed to chase away all the rest of the memories and shadows away.
I wondered if the authors were going through the same thing that I was...
And then... BANG!
I hit the ground.
"Ow..." I mumbled. "That hurt..."
I suddenly felt so sleepy that I wanted to take a nap right there and then. So I did.
Hey, for all the descriptiveness, I didn't end it as well as you thought I would.
Fooooooled youuuuu...
The first thing I remember when I woke up is that I felt all tingly again. It was like a million people rubbed their wool socks on the carpet to get static charge and then started poking me on my face and arms and legs and stomach.
And with every little zap, I felt smaller and smaller.
Then it stopped.
The sun was RIGHT in my face when I opened my eyes.
"Owww... sun... too... bright!" I moaned.
I sat up. I was outside the Temple of Time. It was daytime.
The first thing I saw was Link. He was standing near me, and for some reason, all of his injuries were healed! His clothes were whole again, his hair was fixed with all the gel as usual, and he stood staring at the top of Death Mountain.
The cloud was back to normal!
"We did it!" I cheered. "We really did it! We saved Hyrule!"
"Not just Hyrule," Link said quietly. "We saved the whole world."
"I'm a HERO! Just like my DADDY!" I shouted. Jumping around, I started to sing. "OH HAAAAAAIL THE GREAT GORON HERO! HIS NAAAAAME IS LITTLE LINK! LITTLE LINK OF THE GORONS, OR HE'S LL FOR SHORT! HE'S THE GREATEST HERO SINCE DARUNIAAAAAAA!"
Suddenly, I tripped on something and went face-first into the ground.
"OOF!" I yelled. I tried to get up, and then I saw the rough yellowish tan hand in front of me.
"I'm me again!" I cried. "I'm a Goron!"
"So I noticed," Link laughed. "I'm just glad everything is back to normal!"
"Me too," I said. "Well, we THINK it's back to normal."
I reached for my Innocence Medallion, and became relieved when I found it was still there. So I was still a Sage... but did the medallion really work anymore?
"All right!" I grinned. "We did it!" I was so excited, I couldn't help but repeat myself.
"Heck yeah," Link smiled. "And I couldn't have done a better job by myself!"
"You mean it?" I gasped. "You mean I WASN'T a pain in the butt to work with?"
"Well, actually, you were. But you weren't THAT bad," Link chuckled. "And you really came through there at the end. After all, if you hadn't performed that little Sage-induced temper tantrum back there, I might be as dead as a doornail by now."
"Ah, I owed you one anyway." I said.
"What did I tell you about owing people stuff? When you're a hero, you never expect to be paid back."
"Oh yeah," I said. "Oh wait... Link, I don't really think I want to be a hero."
"You don't?" he asked, confused. "But that's all you've wanted to be from the beginning."
"I wanna be a Goron Hero instead!" I grinned.
"And what, pray tell, is a Goron Hero?"
"Just like a normal hero. Only they hire me whenever anything bad happens to the GORONS." I sighed. "It's much less stressful."
"And probably a good idea," Link said.
"You know, you could be like a, 'Kokiri Hero' or something." I suggested. "It wouldn't be hard."
"I can't. For three reasons. One, I'm the Hero of Time. That's my job. I have to save everyone's butts. Two, I'm not technically a Kokiri. And Three, I like my job just fine."
"Well, I'll like mine too!" I nodded. "And whenever something bad happens to the Gorons or Death Mountain, I'd better see your little Hylian hide there pretty darn quick, buddy."
"Oh, of course," he said. "And I'd better see your little Goron butt right there next to me, buddy."
"Sure," I sighed. "As long as no water is involved. I hate water."
Wait... something was missing.
Link was there and I was there... But for some reason... Something wasn't right...
"YUMI!" I gasped. "Link, what happened to Yumi?"
"I... I don't know!" he stammered. "I saw her on your shoulder just before the new virus went off. I didn't see her at all after that."
"Yumi!" I yelled, searching around frantically.
I turned towards the Temple of Time, briefly noticing that the giant Dingledorf-shaped hole in the side was gone. Everything had been rebuilt there.
"Yumi!" I cried out again. Then I saw something.
"Oh NO!" I gasped.
Crumpled out on the steps of the Temple of Time was a figure in purple clothes...
"Link! I found Yumi!" I yelled, running over to the fallen fairy.
She was almost as big as Link now... hmm... OH!
Yumi was really Princess of the Pixies.
Oh. I almost forgot. Yumi wasn't Yumi at all... There was no such person as Yumi! It was Princess of the Pixies.
Link raced over to us. "Oh man... Wait. This is what she's supposed to look like. I forgot."
Wow, it had taken us so long to actually remember to call her "Yumi". Now we would need to try not to, and call her "Princess" again.
Suddenly, she moved.
"Yikes!" I gasped, jumping up.
Yumi- er, Princess sat up slowly, and opened her big groggy eyes. "Ugh..." she grunted. "What... what happened?"
"Hi Princess!" I grinned.
"Huh? Oh! Link! LL! Hey, what are you guys doing in my computer room...?"
Link tapped her on the shoulder and pointed to the giant cathedral behind her.
Princess stared at the Temple, then at Link, and pointed from one to the other, muttering. "Uh... I take it... I'm... NOT... in my computer room anymore?"
"Nope," I said. "You're in Hyrule!"
"How did I get HERE?" she asked, scratching her head. "And... what happened to my clothes?"
"Ah, the mysteries of life." Link said, staring at the sky dramatically.
"Well. However I got here, I suppose I'd better get back home. My family is going to get worried." Princess stood up and dusted off her skirt. "Well, OK. Thanks for waking me up, you guys."
"No problem," I said weakly.
"It's... our job..." Link stuttered.
Princess strolled casually towards the Hyrule Castle Town Marketplace muttering things like, "Huh... this is weird..." and even her trademark, "TERRIBLY mysterious..."
Then she tripped over a rock. "HO-LY PURPLE DISHWASHERS, BATMAN!" she yelped out.
Link and I could hardly keep from laughing.
Then she disappeared into a crowd in the market.
"Our little Yumi is all grown up now..." I wailed, grabbing a Kleenex from my pocket.
"No, she's just perfectly normal. You should say that one week ago, our little Princess of the Pixies is all grown DOWN." Link corrected.
"Hey, speaking of authors, I wonder where they all are?" I asked Link.
"I have a feeling we'll find out," Link said, motioning for me to follow him to the marketplace.
It was like an author party! Almost ALL of the authors we had met on our trek were stumbling around the market confusedly.
Misty Dawn had just run into the castle town, back to her normal self. She was holding the Running Girl's Bunny Hood and walking around staring at her clothes in disbelief. "I... Misty Dawn... am wearing a freakin' TOGA!" she shrieked. "A TOGA? Why on Earth am I wearing a TOGA? I don't even think I would know where to GET a TOGA!"
The Running Man walked by at that second, and seeing Misty Dawn, shrieked in terror and raced away.
Mister Crash and Saridaru, the former Author Poes and traveling leash salespeople had found their way to the market, too.
"Why are you wearing the same clothes as me?" asked Crash angrily.
"Hey bub, I have no clue what you're talking about. You're wearing the same clothes as ME!" Saridaru said angrily.
"I'd NEVER wear ANYTHING like this under normal circumstances!" Crash said irritably. "So, I MUST be wearing your clothes..."
"Hey, me either. So it must be you who started the whole 'brown cotton shirt and white belt' fashion craze." Saridaru pointed out.
"Um, no."
"I think so."
"Uh, no."
"Come on! It had to be you!"
"Not necessarily."
"'Fess up already! I'm wearing your clothes!"
"I DO NOT WEAR FRUIT SUITS LIKE THIS!" Crash screamed.
Into the marketplace trudged Sikes, the very first author we had seen at all. You know, the one who thought he was a Goron.
"Oh my gosh... my stomach hurts..." he wailed. "I don't know what it is... it's like I just ate a whole plate full of rocks..."
"Oh, that's NOTHING!" said Myst, out of her shiny blue Zora spandex and back into more... normal clothing. "When I woke up this morning, I found myself with a LIVE FISH in my mouth!"
"So?" bragged Black Pegasus. "I was wearing a saddle."
"Yeah? Me too," said Ros51.
Angered Fairy and Blossom Waters stomped angrily into the marketplace, clad in their Gerudo halter tops.
"Ya know Blossom, next time you get us high on Sweet N' Low and sign us up to join the Gerudo, why don't you ASK me first?" Angered Fairy yelled.
"I didn't have ANY Sweet N' Low at ALL even recently!" Blossom retorted. "It must have been you."
Female Mikau and Dekugirl had somehow found their way to the market, too. It was like a great author gathering.
The Kokiri authors stumbled into the market seconds later. Lily Mucca-Chan, Kesu, Blue Wizardess, Chaosweapon, Gullwhacker, BB, and even Omnisplash (Who had NOT died, by the way) looked very unhappy.
"Hey, what's wrong, guys?" asked a regular Hylian.
"WE WOKE UP AND WE WERE WEARING EXTREMELY SMALL CLOTHES AND HOPPING AROUND LIKE THE KOKIRI!" snapped BB.
"AND WE HAVEN'T HAD OUR COFFEE!" Chaosweapon added.
"I got some right here," said Lady Alexandra Spears, one of the authors who had inhabited Hyrule Castle Town.
The Kokiri Authors greedily emptied out Alexandra's entire pot of freshly brewed magic coffee.
"Hey, thanks!" said Kesu, suddenly very pleasant.
Alexandra stared into the empty coffeepot angrily. "Oh gee, thanks for saving me some."
Link and I stared at the giant mob of authors, and shook our heads.
"Hey, you think they'd just all go home already." I said.
"Yeah, really. HEYYY, WAIT A SEC!" Link cried. "IT WAS SIX O'CLOCK AT NIGHT WHEN WE WENT INTO THE TEMPLE OF TIME! NOW IT'S ONLY TEN IN THE MORNING! What happened?"
Suddenly, there was a quick flash of gold in the sky and we heard Jigglypuff's frantic voice.
AND THEN SUDDENLY REALIZING THAT WHAT HE SAID WAS TRUE, LINK PLAYED THE SUN'S SONG AND TURNED IT TO NIGHTIME AGAIN.
Link's arm turned gold and he immediately pulled out his Ocarina and played a song.
The sun totally dropped in the sky until it was almost set, and the moon was just coming up over the horizon.
"HEYY!" Link yelled.
"Well, you fixed it, at least." I shrugged.
"Come on, LL. I'm gonna take you home now."
"YAY!" I cheered happily.
Just as we exited Hyrule Castle Town, Link stopped. "Hey, look LL!"
I turned around and saw hundreds of flashes of light in the sky over the marketplace.
"The authors! They're all going home now." Link explained.
"Oh, good. Just in time for supper." I said in satisfaction.
"It looks like tomorrow will be a beautiful day..." Link smiled.
"What kind of stupid, cheesy thing to say is that?" I said in dismay.
"WHAT? Oh boy... You really have spent too much time with me, LL..." Link sighed.
To make a long story short, we made it to Death Mountain.
And FINALLY, FINALLY, FINALLY... we reached the entrance to HOME! GORON CITY!
"MY BELOVED HOME!" I screamed as I ran inside. "I'VE MISSED YOU TERRIBLY!"
"SON!" I heard echo throughout the city.
I heard what sounded like a stampede, and then the entire populace of Goron City, with Dad at front, rolled up to Link and me.
They all unrolled, and Dad grabbed me in a great big hug.
"OH LL! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN THIS PAST WEEK, YOU NAUGHTY BOY? I'VE MISSED YOU TERRIBLY!" Dad cooed, squeezing me.
"DAD!" I coughed. "AIIIIR!"
"Oh, sorry," he grinned, setting me down. All of the other Gorons ran up to me and bombarded me with questions.
"Where have you been, Little Brother?"
"Did you have to eat the nasty village rocks?"
"Did you have fun?"
"Oh, you've been gone a long time! Did you have to eat... gulp... FOOD?"
"Whoa, hey, easy guys!" I whined. "I'm sleepy!"
Over all the mumbling, I could hear Dad and Link talking.
"Well, Brother... you've got some explaining to do."
"Yeah I know, Darunia."
"Where have you guys been?"
"All over the place! And LL helped me save the whole entire world!"
"WOW!" Dad cried, grabbing me in another big hug.
"OW! DAAAD!" I gulped.
"What?"
"AIIIIR!"
"Oh, sorry son." Dad let me go again.
"Oh, and Darunia?"
"Hmm, Brother?"
"I did what you said. I watched him the whole time. The kid doesn't have a scratch on him."
"Oh, good. I would hate to have to pound you."
"Oh, not as much as I would hate to have you pound me, Darunia... gulp..."
Dad clapped his hands. "Hey, shut up!" he yelled to the other Gorons. "Did you hear that? Little Brother LL has helped our hero Brother Link save the whole world!"
"WOOOO!" cheered the Gorons.
"We're going to have to have a feast tonight to celebrate!" Dad grinned.
"But Big Brother, we feasted yesterday. It was Gordo's birthday, remember?" said one Goron.
"We didn't feast the day before." Dad said.
"Yes, we did. It was the Early Late Mid Late Early Mid Late Wind Year Feast."
"How about the day before that?" asked Dad, getting a little upset.
"Uh... nope. We didn't feast that day."
"Yeah, we did. Remember? It was cloudy that day, so we had a Cloudy Day Feast."
"Good grief. You Gorons like to party." Link said, rolling his eyes.
"We like to eat even more!" I laughed.
"What's the feast today?" asked Dad.
"We don't have one today."
"Then this'll be a new feast day. The 'Little Brother Little Link of the Gorons Saved The World Today Feast!'" Dad grinned.
OH WOW! I got my own feast named after me!
OK, so I didn't care that the Gorons pretty much feasted every day for one reason or another.
"Of course, you'll stay for dinner, Link. Right?" asked Dad, nudging Link's arm.
"Uh... depends. What are we having?"
Arty, the best Goron cook in the city, stepped forward. "Big Brother, would you like the usual feast servings or the SPECIAL feast servings?"
"What's in those?" asked Link.
"Well, the usual feast servings include Roast Rock Romaine, Ground Granite, Sedimentary Soufflé, Mixed Pebble Salad, an extra big basket of Cement Sandwiches and Flint Fries, and for dessert, Bomb Flower and Malachite Ice Cream with a quart of crushed Quartz smoothies for drink."
"Um..." said Link, turning a little green. "How about the SPECIAL?"
"All of the above plus a little of the special human delicacy: MACARONI AND CHEESE!"
Link sighed in relief.
"With pebbles in it, of course."
Link turned even greener. "Um... if it's all right with you guys... could I just have a salad?"
"Bomb flower or garden?" asked Dad.
Link raised an eyebrow. "Garden, please. WAIT! What's in the garden?"
"For garden, we have to have someone run all the way to the Kokiri to pick up some Deku Nuts and leaves."
"Um, nix the salad. I'll just have some water..." Link said quietly.
"Aw, are ya sure?" asked Bubba Bo Bob Brian.
"Yes, positive." Link said quickly.
What followed was the biggest party we could remember. But then we all remembered Bill's birthday a few weeks ago when Mojo and Jimmy had had a bomb flower juice chugging contest, and then they both got sick all over the place. But then we thought again and realized that this one was bigger anyway.
Link had a glass of water while the rest of us pigged out. Man, I hadn't eaten that well in a whole week...
And then Dad proceeded to bother Link about the story of our adventure until he gave in and told everyone the story of me, Link, the authors, and the Innocence Medallion.
Leaving out only the fact that Darunia's son was now able to shape shift... Which I was pretty grateful for.
I was going to tell Dad sometime. Sometime soon. But I decided that I had better wait until he was in a very, VERY good mood.
The Gorons all listened intently. At the appropriate parts they smiled (The part when we saved each of the Author Sages), gasped (When we faced off against the bosses), screamed (when I almost fell over the bridge and when Link almost drowned in the Randomness Temple), laughed (when Link got hit in the face with all the pies, which he still didn't find very funny), and clapped. And they even whistled and "AWWWWW!"-ed when Link got to the part when Wintyr made out with him. (He didn't mention my little mishap with GG...)
The whole time, Dad was sitting behind me patting my head whenever Link said I did something good. He was grinning and laughing and just glowing with pride that his son had turned out just like him.
Link was just getting to the part about the new virus turning everything back to normal, when he looked over at me and winked.
I grinned and winked back to my new best friend in the whole wide world.
I had meant what I said about Link being even cooler now than he ever had been to me. I mean, it's great that someone is big and strong and awesome. But it's even better when you know that that person can be your friend.
When Link had finally finished, everyone clapped. I sighed and said, "Let's face it. Adventures are fun, but they take up too much napping time."
Link cracked up. "Good philosophy." Then he checked his watch. "Oh! I'd better be getting home now, guys."
Aww... but I would miss Link! I had spent the whole last week with him. It was like a slumber party or something.
"Thanks again, Brother!" Dad grinned.
Link packed up his stuff, and left me with a pat on the head and a good handshake. "I'll see ya around, LL."
"You too!" I said.
He said bye to Dad, got up off the floor from Dad's big slap on his back, and brushed himself off.
Then he marched off into the faint light from the moon outside.
"Hey Link, wait!" I cried, racing after him.
He had just passed the large stone arch leading down the mountain pass when I caught up with him.
Link sighed and turned around. "Now what?"
"Don't sound so upset," I said. "I just wanted your autograph."
"MY AUTOGRAPH?" Link asked in dismay. "Don't you already have it?"
"No. I've asked for it, but I've never gotten it."
He sighed and pulled a piece of paper out of his pocket and scribbled out a message.
"Hurry up. It's cold out here!" I shivered.
"Here ya go. Enjoy very much."
I looked at what he had written.
"To my friend Little Link of the Gorons. You're the best Goron hero ever. From, Big Link of the Hylians."
"Hey Link!" I yelled again. But when I looked up, he was already gone.
That guy disappeared more often than Sheik did.
"Thank you..." I called to no one in particular. "For helping make my dream come true."
"You're welcome," someone shouted back. "And thank you, too, for helping me to realize why I do this job."
"Why is that?" I called back.
"For people like you!"
And then he really was gone.
That Link... what a nice guy!
I heard footsteps behind me. "Hey LL, whaddya doin?"
"Hi Dad," I said. "Just looking at the stars."
Dad stopped next to me and stared up at them, too. "Pretty."
"Dad," I said suddenly, "Are you a widower?"
"Huh?"
"Are you a widower?"
"Oh. Your mother... No son, I'm not a widower."
"So... Mom's still alive?"
"As far as I know, yes. I just don't know where."
I sighed. "Will you tell me where she went someday?"
"Sure," he said solemnly. "She was so awesome... That's why I think we're so close, LL. You're sort of the last little bit of your mother that I have left. If anything crazy happened to you, I'd never forgive myself!"
Crazy? Uh... Would you consider shape-shifting crazy?
"So, did Link already go?"
"Yeah..." I said. "There goes the coolest guy in the world..."
"You have no idea how proud I am of you, LL." Dad sighed. "Hearing about you getting all those monsters and such... Great. Just great."
I briefly wondered what he would think when finally told him my secret.
"Um... Dad? I've got something... I need to tell you." I said weakly.
"Sure."
"Are you gonna be mad?"
"Of course not. LL, I've been around the block a few times. There's nothing you could tell me that would make me get mad!"
Oh, believe me, Dad... this just might do it.
"OK..."
"What is it?"
"Um... You know how I'm the Innocence Sage and all?"
"Yeah?"
"Well... um... I found out that I..."
"Yes?"
"Um... I..."
"Go on. I'm listening."
"I..." Oh jeez, how was I going to say this? Oh. I got it!
"I made out with GG." I said quickly.
"Oh, is that all? Heh heh, lady-killer..." Dad chuckled. "Yeah, I'm not mad at all. I like her. She reminds me of your mother."
I sighed. PHEW! That was close.
But then Dad scratched his head. "What, did you use a stepping stool or something?"
Whoops...
"Ah, never mind." I murmured.
Dad got me in another huge hug, and said, "OH! My little boy is growing up so fast! Next thing you know you'll be studying at the Goron University, learning about rocks and minerals and mining practices and..."
"Whoa, slow down Dad! I'm only 3 and 14, ya know."
No, it's not over yet. Sorry.
I sighed and flopped down in my bed. "AHHH!" I sighed. "This bed feels great!"
It was now pretty late at night. Link had gone home hours ago, and I was stuffed full from the "Little Brother Little Link of the Gorons Saved The World Today Feast". It was time to settle down and go to bed in my own room for the first time in seven whole days.
I gazed up at the picture I had tacked on the wall seconds earlier.
It had somehow appeared on my dresser when we were all listening to Link's dramatic re-enactment of the story. But I knew exactly what it was and where it came from.
Remember back in the Kokiri Forest, when BB took Link, Yumi and my pictures with her Polaroid? I guess she must have found the Polaroids in her pocket when she woke up, and given them to her older sister GG when she didn't know where they had come from.
It was the one where I was giving Yumi the bunny ears. Maybe one day I would show it to Princess and see what kind of reaction I got.
Dad stepped into my room. "Hey LL, Arty just whipped up a batch of Cement Chocolate Chip cookies... your favorite! You want some?"
"Um... sure, Dad!" I said. "I'll just going to be reading in here for a while."
"Oh, OK. I'll bring them in when they're done," Dad said, and then he turned around and left.
I reached for my copy of "Les Mise-Rock", the classic Goron romance, when I saw the Innocence Medallion sitting on my bedside table.
I stared at it for a second. Then I picked it up.
"Well, little friend... You've caused me a lot of trouble over the past week," I said to it. "And I know I did a lot of whining, but the truth is, you've never let me down. Thanks a ton."
Then I realized that I was talking to a medallion, and I kind of rolled my eyes.
"No, sorry. It's not you, it's me. Heh heh, I wonder if you still work, anyhoo..."
Hey... I DID wonder if it DID still work...
I stood up and walked over to the mirror on the wall. Hmmm... It did look pretty good on me. The medallion, I mean. Not the mirror.
"Let's give this a shot..." I said. "Innocence Medallion, Transform!"
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
HEY! IT DID STILL WORK!
"Hey! Thanks!" I said to my medallion. I did feel a bit dizzy this time, but GG had said that that might happen.
I stared at the mirror again. OK, so I couldn't get used to the fact that I had pinkish skin. Multi-colored eyes were something I had never even considered owning. The hair was a little messy and looked weird all over my head. And no beard... that was a problem.
But I was used to it. I mean, now when I saw this guy, I really did see me, and not just some weirdo other form of mine.
"And thanks to you too, Doseki. Whoever you really are." I shrugged.
"I'm you, stupid."
EH? Did I just say that?
Oh. Of course I did.
"You silly Goron. I am you. You're just thanking yourself."
"Oh. Of course."
Something was resting on my mind... Hmmm... I was supposed to remember something... but what was it... something was going to happen in a minute... But I couldn't remember for the life of me what it was...
"OK LL! Your cookies are here!"
OH NO! DAD!
"LL? You in here, L-" Dad stopped dead in his tracks.
I spun around. "Uhhhh... Hi... Dad?"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" shrieked my father. Then his eyes rolled back and he collapsed into a dead faint, dropping the cookies all over the floor.
"Innocence Medallion return, and QUICK!" I hissed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*POOF*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The other Gorons arrived just as I reappeared as a Goron. "OH NO! BIG BROTHER!" gasped Phil.
They all dropped down and started smacking Dad and waving rocks under his nose.
I sat down on my bed and picked up a cookie off the floor. 5 second rule, it was still a perfectly good cookie.
Man, was I going to have to think of a story to tell Dad about why there was a human in my room, and quick, too.
I took a little bite out of it and watched the Gorons try to revive my dad.
Things were back to normal!
Hey, wait a sec. I'm a half rock, half turtle-looking creature who lives in a video game world.
I eat rocks and can turn into a human.
I have a human girlfriend who's secretly a superheroine.
I had just paired up with a wannabe fairy and a guy in a skirt (oops. TUNIC!) to save the world from a computer virus, a bunch of crazy fan fic authors, and a guy whose name includes the word DINGLE.
There's nothing normal about that.
Well, things were back to AB-normal, anyway!
END!
