~*Dun Wanna Be a Lady*~
+[[Alanna the Lioness]]+

Agh. Back. And I'm in a good mood. For once. So don't take advantage of it, and give me nice, THOUGHTFUL reviews, please. ^_^

My site's RPG is now in session. You can find it here. If you're not looking to RPG, at least donate some things...like fan art, fan fics, debate answers, whatever. I probably won't be eternally grateful, or your best friend forever, but I'll be happy. ^.^ Some people from here already RP on my site....thanks a mill!!

And Lioness Alanna, I've a bone to pick with you. That pic on the entrance page to your site is mine. So link back to me: http://on.to/Tortall , or you can't keep it, because I don't have a graphics program; it was edited in Microsoft Paint, as were a bunch of my other graphics. I also have FlamingText.com to thank, and some background set designers. In other words, I want credit for it. It took up maybe 40 minutes to get it just right!!! ::destroys her Microsoft Paint::

This chapter may sound pretty bad. That's what happens when you haul yourself out of bed and look like you crawled from the grave.

OK. Back to mah story.

+[[*]]+

Lady Catherine caught her goddaughter, startled. Alanna grinned innocently as Catherine's eyes darted down to her now soiled dress, where Alanna had landed. Mud was smeared all over the bodice of the Lady's dress.

Catherine's face darkened. Quickly, Coram darted forward and seized his charge, carrying Alanna out of harm's way. Thom scurried after them, not wanting to be around Catherine when she blew.

The servants scattered, bringing the aids that were kept in the castle just for Catherine's visits.

"Mmf." Said Catherine, her blue eyes bulging. Alanna giggled. She looked like a fly.

A strangled noise erupted from Catherine's throat. She opened her mouth and let out a ghastly yell. With a roar of rage, she swung at the manservant that held her. He fell, clutching his left eye.

"YYYAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!" screamed Catherine, diving for a maid and seizing the girl's shoulders, shaking her violently. Loraine ran over to the ailing woman and yanked her from the Lady's grasp. In her other hand, she clutched an overlarge fan. She brought it up and down through the air frantically, trying to cool Catherine down. In response, Catherine seized the fan and brought the hilt end down on Loraine's head.

"Wow!" Thom said in amazement.

The instant the boy said this, he regretted it. Catherine, who now resembled a bull (a remarkable feat, for so slim a woman), turned and charged.

"Nasty little beast!" she shrieked, running straight for him.

With a yelp, Alanna seized her brother's hand and dragged him out of the way. Lord Alan ran after Catherine, looking to restrain her before she destroyed the whole castle.

"Devil's-spawn!" she roared, spittle flying from her mouth. The twins stared back at her, not quite sure which one of them she was talking to. "Gods-damned pieces of horse shit!" Servants, cooks, and small animals that had found their way into the castle ran out of the madwoman's path.

She followed the twins into Lord Alan's study, where they had run into. Sneering, she backed them into a corner, one fist raised.

"I order you to leave my study! I have some important documents stored in there! Catherine!" His guest didn't seem to hear. "Catherine!" snapped Lord Alan. He seized the woman's wrist, glaring. "We will order your dress repaired!"

"Now!" whispered Thom. He and Alanna shoved Alan's desk with all their might. Catherine shrieked and dodged it, dragging the man with her. Unfortunately, she was not fast enough.

The corner of the polished wood desk slammed Alan in his manhood. His face twisted in pain.

"Oops," muttered Alanna, seizing Thom's hand and fleeing the room. Plunging through the crowd of chaos that was the Trebond front hall, they raced up the stairs back to Alanna's room, panting.

The yell Alan let out was far worse than any Catherine had issued. In a way, the twins felt ashamed. Their father had never done anything for them, but they didn't hate him, exactly. The desk episode was just meant to pin the adults to the wall for a while, until Thom and Alanna could escape.

"We're going to be in trouble," Thom sighed. "Let's give them some time to cool off for a while. Then maybe we won't get punished so bad."

Alanna agreed. "I knew Catherine had...what was it?" she screwed up her small nose, trying to remember. "Nigh cud hessure?" Thom looked at her in confusion. "You know, when grown-ups lose their temper too much, and it hurts them after a while?"

"Oh. You mean high blood pressure?" Thom smirked. "'Nigh cud hessure'." He began to giggle.

Alanna socked him in the stomach, scowling. "Be quiet. Or I'll throw you in the cow pasture."

Thom rubbed the area where his sister hit him. "Ouch," he whined. "That hurt, 'lanna!"

"Then don't be a prat." She retorted, going to her window and staring out below. Thom followed her gaze and saw the wild horses below.

"Let's go riding," she invited.

Thom stared at her. "RIDING?!" he demanded, staring down at the scene below. "'lanna, you can't ride one of those things!"

"Why not?" she asked tartly, her chin thrust out stubbornly. "I could do it."

"'lanna, those horses are wild!" he protested. "You'd fall!"

She crossed her small arms and stamped a foot. "Just because I'm a girl, it doesn't mean I can't ride as well as you!"

Thom sighed. "That's NOT what I MEANT!"

She glared. "I even knocked you from the saddle once with a lance, remember?" She looked at him in exasperation. "Besides, I didn't mean one of those horses. I meant one of the horses from the stables."

He relaxed a bit. "Okay," he replied. "But how'll we get outside without the grown-ups seeing?"

Alanna shrugged, pointing to her open window.

"You must be insane."

She grinned. "It runs in the family, brother."

He stared at her for a moment, then slowly, an impish grin spread across his face. "Race you!" He challenged, shoving her out of the way and jumping out the window.

"Cheater!" she groaned, jumping after him. By the time she'd crawled to the edge of the roof, he'd already inched down the castle wall. He grinned wickedly.

Alanna tugged her dress over her head once again. She stuck her tongue out at him, and took a dagger out of her sash. Coram had given it to her for hunting purposes, and it would come in handy now. With two careful slashes, she cut into her corset so she could move easier. Laughing, she jumped from the roof. Thom tried, and failed, to catch her, and instead, they ended up in a tangle on the ground. Alanna picked herself up off of him and sprinted towards the stables.

"I get to ride Starlight this time!" she called back to him.

Thom grinned. Then a thought struck him. He ran after her, yelling, "'lanna! Promise me something?"

"What?" she didn't look back.

"Don't ever try to ride a wild horse! I don't want you to kill yourself! You're the only person in the whole world that I love! Promise!"

Alanna didn't seem to hear.

A/N: Hmmm. A bit confusing at the beginning, right? Well, Catherine's favorite dress was ruined. And she has high blood pressure. So I made her throw a fit. ::smirks:: Slamming desks into people is fun. Dun worry, they'll do more stuff soon. They're just escaping reality for a while. (And the 'grown-ups' with nigh cud hessure.) They'll be back. I wouldn't be so cruel as to deprive you of the privileges of seeing their practical jokes.

Until next time,
Her Royal Zombiness,
'lanna

Want to know the reason why this chapter was cut short? Look below.

Oooh. Wheee!!! Oh, what a be-YOO-tiful comment!!!! ::mocks person:: 'This is terrible. Fuck you.'

Hear that, people? I can't make Jon go insane, because people say, 'Fuck you.' Wow. I mean, that just SO hurt me. ::clutches heart:: The pain. I'm pretty obscene myself, you arrogant jackass. But at least when I see people dissing Alanna, I don't cuss at them.

Why don't you e-mail me, if you're so special? I've been looking to kick someone's ass. It looks like you've earned first prize. Don't mess with me.

http://on.to/Tortall