Part 11
Two Day's later Sunnydale Cemetary.
"Gabrielle Harris was my ex-wife but more than that she was my best friend, we may not have agreed on a lot of things but if I went too far she was always there to reign me in."
The groups had all come to the funeral, even Buffy Summers was there albeit hanging in the back, Xander was up at the podium giving a eulogy on his ex-wife. He was visibly upset letting more of his feelings show than he ever used to- this latest tragedy had hit him hard with the memories of Jesse, Ampheta and Jenny all haunting him for the first time since his memory was lost. His newest memory was of Jesse turning to dust before him as his stake entered the vamp's heart.
*IT WASN'T JESSE* screamed his rational side.
His human side however still would not allow himself to forgive and forget what had happened in his life, he loved his ex-wife but now had realised that his heart that had not let him love Gabrielle with his whole being had managed to tell him why.- Buffy.
He remembered everything he had done for the gang over the years, including facing down Angelus and saving Buffy from the Vamp Teresa. His love for her since he met her was now coupled by his anger and hurt of her hitting him and forcing him away, he was now surprised that his hate for her while not gone was diminished to bearable levels.
"We were close for a long time, but when she found happiness with Robbie I was happy for her. I suppose I always wished that I could have given her the happiness she wanted so much. She finally got it even if she hadn't had long to experience it.
I've lost many friends in my life, in Sunnydale in LA and others but after all of that I'll miss her the most. She was my friend, my lover, my sister and most of all the one person who always saw me for who I was. Thank you Gabby- Goodbye my friend"
He stood down from the head of the coffin and knelt down close to the coffin he threw a rose into the pit and said a quick prayer. One by one the hunters and the scoobies all did the same, a few others that they knew were there- Leelee and Riley were both there, Riley was holding his little sister tight they had got close once Gabrielle had started to work on the genetics projects with her.
"At least they're together Xander, maybe they'll be happier that way." Cordelia sidled up to Xander who was making an effort not to shed any more tears- he would have time alone later to do so.
"I can't help feeling that if I had never married her then the two of them would have had longer together. Hell if I wasn't around then the two of them could have done so much more. But they thought it would be out of order, Hell I'm the one that got them together. I wouldn't have cared."
Cordelia hugged him tightly, he was starting to break down.
"Everywhere I go I hurt people, even if I don't mean it. I lie to people, break peoples hearts- I'm no good to anyone. I should leave and never come back."
"NO." Cordelia yelled, she grabbed his face and looked into his eyes, the haunted and fearful look in his eyes scared her. She realised for the first time he was not the man she fell in love with- and he never would be again.
"Cordy I..."
"No Xander you listen to me." She looked at him and her expression softened, she pulled his face to hers and gave him a soft lingering kiss. His shaking started to lessen and finally stopped. "Whatever it is Xander let it go, you didn't do anything wrong."
Xander couldn't accept it that way, Jesse's Death, Jenny left in Giles' bed, lying to his friends, the death of friends, of Ampheta. He had so much on his shoulders and now he blamed himself for Gabby and Robbie.
"I can't I'm sorry Cordy, I just can't."
Cordy just sighed and hugged her lover, he held her back. He knew he couldn't go on like this and he made a decision that may haunt him or repent him. He decided to talk to the one person that knew how he felt.
The one person he hated...
and loved...
more than any other...
Buffy Anne Summers.
Summers Residence
21:00 Zulu
Xander Harris stood outside the Summers residence for the first time in 18 months, he remembers everything about his times there. Especially after the hospital incident- he knows no-one has any idea about that and they won't do if he can help it, he knows he has to talk to Angel soon and sort it out with him.
Angel
Funny how he feels no animosity and hatred towards his former nemesis, he just feel sorry and pity for the soul ridden vampire. He realises that Angel was a good man while he was an ally and maybe just maybe he knows what Angel feels when he can't be with Buffy. The old part of Xander Harris still remembers that and although suppressed is growing again, the protective instincts of his personality still throbs.
He sighs- every one of the others are far superior to him in so much he feels- NO he knows he's still the Zeppo. If he knows it right he will still be pulled away from fighting to protect himself.
No- Commander Harris takes over here, he is now the commander of an elite fighting unit, he will not allow them to hold him away. Commander and Xander Harris argue trying to take command when a slight female voice come out of the darkness.
"Xander?" A small pretty dark-haired teenager comes out of the darkness, no more than thirteen years old. "Oh My God Xander is that you?" The voice becomes hopeful- the voice sounds like it hasn't held those feelings for a long time."
"Hey shortstuff, how's it going." He grins as she runs at him launching herself and grabbing him and hugging him around the waist. She started to sob, he crouched down a little and pulled up her chin. "Hey What's wrong Dawn Patrol." He smiled at her and she held on around his neck.
"I... I... M..Missed... Y... you so much." she sobbed more as he held her, "I...I can't believe your back."
"Back and here to stay."
A voice interrupted "You get away from my daughter now..." Joyce Summers had a large stick in her hands, ready to get rid of whoever or whatever had her daughter.
"Mom Wait." Pleaded Dawn as Xander straightened up he looked at Joyce and smiled his lop sided grin.
"Hello Mrs Summers, nice to see you again."
Joyce looked closer at the stranger with the familiar grin, she wracked her brains at after a few seconds of confusion she saw it. His hair was shorter and he had a beard- but it couldn't be anyone else.
"Xander..., oh my god."
He walked towards Joyce while Dawn clutched at his hand afraid that this manifestation would disappear from her if she let go of him. He smiled at Mrs Summers who reached out and touched Xander's arm, pulling him into a hug.
To say that was a surprise to Xander would be putting it mildly, he hugged back wholeheartedly, this woman had been a mother figure where his own had failed. He remembered everything that this woman had done for him over all those years.
"It good to have you back Xander." Joyce said as she pulled back from him and his smile now encompassed his whole face even to the eyes. Eyes she realised seemed older than they should be.
"It's good to be back Mrs S. I'm sorry I didn't come here sooner but I've had problems around here and I didn't know if I would be welcome."
Dawn interrupted "You are always welcome here Xander no matter what happens this is a refuge for you. I... I heard what happened and why you went Xander, believe me when I say that the whole gang has been strangers to each other since you left. It looks like Angel was right for once."
Xander looked at her with a strange expression.
"He said that you were the key Guy the one person who held us all together without you they were just a collection of people- not friends just... I don't know. No one's been the same without you. Buffy worst of all."
Xander stiffened and then relaxed he had just been reminded why he was even here tonight.
"He told me something once- that he feared you most of all because you were the only person who could defeat him, who could destroy him. Because of who you are and what you could do."
"What's that Dawn."
"Take Buffy away from him."
Time as it was stopped at that instant, Scenes of his life flashed before his eyes,
His first meeting with Buffy... "Can I have You"
The Bracelet... "To My Dearest Friend"
The Spring Fling... "I just want to dance with you.
The Resuscitation... "Welcome Back Buff"
Inca Mummy Girl... "I had you to bring me back."
He Staked Teresa...
Time stood still, he stood alone in his thoughts. He could have taken Buffy, Could he? Was Angel right, did he love her enough and did she love him enough to be together, he legs crumpled beneath him and time resumed. He fell forward and supported himself with his arms, his last thought was of a Golden Haired Angel running to him.
UC Sunnydale- Same time.
Willow and Oz were sitting talking, Faith and Jonathan had disappeared to their rooms as usual. Others of the Scoobies and the Hunters were moving about, Amy and Steve were talking. Steve talking about his friends with every so often a small note from one of the others. The only person sitting on their own was Cordelia she sat looking out of the window.
Leelee noticed and left Shawn on his own for the moment, Shawn had joined them after the death of Robbie. As an old friend of Willow and Xander's from SHS he was able to fit in straight away. Leelee had gone over to Cordy and was able to see she was crying, her eyes were red and she had a shredded tissue in her hand, the look on her face was of resignation.
"Cordelia, are you OK."
She sniffed and more tears started to fall, she looked up at Leelee and the younger girl saw despair in her eyes. Loss and pain clouded her soul to such depths that nothing else was visible.
"Oh God Cordy what's wrong."
"I'm going to lose him."
"Who- Xander?? Why what's he doing."
The brunette sniffed back more tears, she ran a finger along the light scar running down her neck where she had been caught by a vampire during graduation. She explained what she meant.
"He blames himself for everything bad that's happened to any of us over the last few years, lying to Buffy. Breaking both Willow and my hearts hurting his friends, staking Jesse, almost killing others and now the loss of two of his friends he believes every time he's with someone he hurts them. He hurt everyone he's ever known and blames himself all the time."
"He can't feel that, none of that is his fault." Piped up a new voice Oz and Willow had come over and sat to Cordelia's right with Leelee and Shawn on her left. Oz continued, "None of any of that was his fault. He's not thinking of doing anything stupid is he." he asked worriedly
"No but she's going to take him from me, the only person who can."
Oz looked at Willow and nodded.
"Buffy." Whispered Willow.
Summers Residence
2 hours later
23:15 Zulu
"Excuse me coming through, I can't stop."
15 year old Xander Harris was skateboarding through the grounds of Sunnydale High trying not to hurt anyone as he lost control. He had managed to get himself close to control when he saw something he could only describe as heaven-sent. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, slim, long blond hair incredible features of strength and fragility at the same time.
Then he hit the post...
Xander opened his eyes and instead of seeing blue sky and people standing around laughing he saw a ceiling and two blondes and a dark haired girl sitting across the room.
"How long has he been back Buffy." Asked Joyce.
"A few months Mom, he had lost his memory and came back with a bunch of new people. He didn't know any of us and when he did all he remembered of me was all the bad things I had ever done to him."
Buffy started to tear up and looked out the window where the rain was coming down hard. She looked and her mother and sister and whispered slowly.
"He hasn't talked to me in all this time, it's worse than when he was gone. I can't speak to him he won't listen to me and I just can't do anything but watch him from a distance." She started to sob. "He doesn't know how much I've needed him and how much I'm in love with him."
"I think he does Buffy. We kind of told him you were falling apart without him, the way you all were, he knows how much you all need him and that you might not make it much more."
They were surprised when the front door slammed, Buffy jumped up and opened the door in time to see Xander running down the road.
Xander was running down the road, rain pelting him soaking him through his clothes, shirt sticking and trousers tightening around his legs. He did care anymore, all sensation had gone his mind was racing and he just kept running. The words and feelings were running through his mind, his love for Buffy, her own for him, the times that he had been there for her- protected her saved her life. His unconditional feelings towards her that he held back for so long so much even Willow and Buffy never saw it and that only one person had ever called him on.
He finally stopped outside the gates to the campus grounds, he had to do something. He had to talk to someone and to do so he had to leave for a few days, he needed to talk to the one person he never thought he would ask help from, the person who called him on this love.
Angel...
Two Day's later Sunnydale Cemetary.
"Gabrielle Harris was my ex-wife but more than that she was my best friend, we may not have agreed on a lot of things but if I went too far she was always there to reign me in."
The groups had all come to the funeral, even Buffy Summers was there albeit hanging in the back, Xander was up at the podium giving a eulogy on his ex-wife. He was visibly upset letting more of his feelings show than he ever used to- this latest tragedy had hit him hard with the memories of Jesse, Ampheta and Jenny all haunting him for the first time since his memory was lost. His newest memory was of Jesse turning to dust before him as his stake entered the vamp's heart.
*IT WASN'T JESSE* screamed his rational side.
His human side however still would not allow himself to forgive and forget what had happened in his life, he loved his ex-wife but now had realised that his heart that had not let him love Gabrielle with his whole being had managed to tell him why.- Buffy.
He remembered everything he had done for the gang over the years, including facing down Angelus and saving Buffy from the Vamp Teresa. His love for her since he met her was now coupled by his anger and hurt of her hitting him and forcing him away, he was now surprised that his hate for her while not gone was diminished to bearable levels.
"We were close for a long time, but when she found happiness with Robbie I was happy for her. I suppose I always wished that I could have given her the happiness she wanted so much. She finally got it even if she hadn't had long to experience it.
I've lost many friends in my life, in Sunnydale in LA and others but after all of that I'll miss her the most. She was my friend, my lover, my sister and most of all the one person who always saw me for who I was. Thank you Gabby- Goodbye my friend"
He stood down from the head of the coffin and knelt down close to the coffin he threw a rose into the pit and said a quick prayer. One by one the hunters and the scoobies all did the same, a few others that they knew were there- Leelee and Riley were both there, Riley was holding his little sister tight they had got close once Gabrielle had started to work on the genetics projects with her.
"At least they're together Xander, maybe they'll be happier that way." Cordelia sidled up to Xander who was making an effort not to shed any more tears- he would have time alone later to do so.
"I can't help feeling that if I had never married her then the two of them would have had longer together. Hell if I wasn't around then the two of them could have done so much more. But they thought it would be out of order, Hell I'm the one that got them together. I wouldn't have cared."
Cordelia hugged him tightly, he was starting to break down.
"Everywhere I go I hurt people, even if I don't mean it. I lie to people, break peoples hearts- I'm no good to anyone. I should leave and never come back."
"NO." Cordelia yelled, she grabbed his face and looked into his eyes, the haunted and fearful look in his eyes scared her. She realised for the first time he was not the man she fell in love with- and he never would be again.
"Cordy I..."
"No Xander you listen to me." She looked at him and her expression softened, she pulled his face to hers and gave him a soft lingering kiss. His shaking started to lessen and finally stopped. "Whatever it is Xander let it go, you didn't do anything wrong."
Xander couldn't accept it that way, Jesse's Death, Jenny left in Giles' bed, lying to his friends, the death of friends, of Ampheta. He had so much on his shoulders and now he blamed himself for Gabby and Robbie.
"I can't I'm sorry Cordy, I just can't."
Cordy just sighed and hugged her lover, he held her back. He knew he couldn't go on like this and he made a decision that may haunt him or repent him. He decided to talk to the one person that knew how he felt.
The one person he hated...
and loved...
more than any other...
Buffy Anne Summers.
Summers Residence
21:00 Zulu
Xander Harris stood outside the Summers residence for the first time in 18 months, he remembers everything about his times there. Especially after the hospital incident- he knows no-one has any idea about that and they won't do if he can help it, he knows he has to talk to Angel soon and sort it out with him.
Angel
Funny how he feels no animosity and hatred towards his former nemesis, he just feel sorry and pity for the soul ridden vampire. He realises that Angel was a good man while he was an ally and maybe just maybe he knows what Angel feels when he can't be with Buffy. The old part of Xander Harris still remembers that and although suppressed is growing again, the protective instincts of his personality still throbs.
He sighs- every one of the others are far superior to him in so much he feels- NO he knows he's still the Zeppo. If he knows it right he will still be pulled away from fighting to protect himself.
No- Commander Harris takes over here, he is now the commander of an elite fighting unit, he will not allow them to hold him away. Commander and Xander Harris argue trying to take command when a slight female voice come out of the darkness.
"Xander?" A small pretty dark-haired teenager comes out of the darkness, no more than thirteen years old. "Oh My God Xander is that you?" The voice becomes hopeful- the voice sounds like it hasn't held those feelings for a long time."
"Hey shortstuff, how's it going." He grins as she runs at him launching herself and grabbing him and hugging him around the waist. She started to sob, he crouched down a little and pulled up her chin. "Hey What's wrong Dawn Patrol." He smiled at her and she held on around his neck.
"I... I... M..Missed... Y... you so much." she sobbed more as he held her, "I...I can't believe your back."
"Back and here to stay."
A voice interrupted "You get away from my daughter now..." Joyce Summers had a large stick in her hands, ready to get rid of whoever or whatever had her daughter.
"Mom Wait." Pleaded Dawn as Xander straightened up he looked at Joyce and smiled his lop sided grin.
"Hello Mrs Summers, nice to see you again."
Joyce looked closer at the stranger with the familiar grin, she wracked her brains at after a few seconds of confusion she saw it. His hair was shorter and he had a beard- but it couldn't be anyone else.
"Xander..., oh my god."
He walked towards Joyce while Dawn clutched at his hand afraid that this manifestation would disappear from her if she let go of him. He smiled at Mrs Summers who reached out and touched Xander's arm, pulling him into a hug.
To say that was a surprise to Xander would be putting it mildly, he hugged back wholeheartedly, this woman had been a mother figure where his own had failed. He remembered everything that this woman had done for him over all those years.
"It good to have you back Xander." Joyce said as she pulled back from him and his smile now encompassed his whole face even to the eyes. Eyes she realised seemed older than they should be.
"It's good to be back Mrs S. I'm sorry I didn't come here sooner but I've had problems around here and I didn't know if I would be welcome."
Dawn interrupted "You are always welcome here Xander no matter what happens this is a refuge for you. I... I heard what happened and why you went Xander, believe me when I say that the whole gang has been strangers to each other since you left. It looks like Angel was right for once."
Xander looked at her with a strange expression.
"He said that you were the key Guy the one person who held us all together without you they were just a collection of people- not friends just... I don't know. No one's been the same without you. Buffy worst of all."
Xander stiffened and then relaxed he had just been reminded why he was even here tonight.
"He told me something once- that he feared you most of all because you were the only person who could defeat him, who could destroy him. Because of who you are and what you could do."
"What's that Dawn."
"Take Buffy away from him."
Time as it was stopped at that instant, Scenes of his life flashed before his eyes,
His first meeting with Buffy... "Can I have You"
The Bracelet... "To My Dearest Friend"
The Spring Fling... "I just want to dance with you.
The Resuscitation... "Welcome Back Buff"
Inca Mummy Girl... "I had you to bring me back."
He Staked Teresa...
Time stood still, he stood alone in his thoughts. He could have taken Buffy, Could he? Was Angel right, did he love her enough and did she love him enough to be together, he legs crumpled beneath him and time resumed. He fell forward and supported himself with his arms, his last thought was of a Golden Haired Angel running to him.
UC Sunnydale- Same time.
Willow and Oz were sitting talking, Faith and Jonathan had disappeared to their rooms as usual. Others of the Scoobies and the Hunters were moving about, Amy and Steve were talking. Steve talking about his friends with every so often a small note from one of the others. The only person sitting on their own was Cordelia she sat looking out of the window.
Leelee noticed and left Shawn on his own for the moment, Shawn had joined them after the death of Robbie. As an old friend of Willow and Xander's from SHS he was able to fit in straight away. Leelee had gone over to Cordy and was able to see she was crying, her eyes were red and she had a shredded tissue in her hand, the look on her face was of resignation.
"Cordelia, are you OK."
She sniffed and more tears started to fall, she looked up at Leelee and the younger girl saw despair in her eyes. Loss and pain clouded her soul to such depths that nothing else was visible.
"Oh God Cordy what's wrong."
"I'm going to lose him."
"Who- Xander?? Why what's he doing."
The brunette sniffed back more tears, she ran a finger along the light scar running down her neck where she had been caught by a vampire during graduation. She explained what she meant.
"He blames himself for everything bad that's happened to any of us over the last few years, lying to Buffy. Breaking both Willow and my hearts hurting his friends, staking Jesse, almost killing others and now the loss of two of his friends he believes every time he's with someone he hurts them. He hurt everyone he's ever known and blames himself all the time."
"He can't feel that, none of that is his fault." Piped up a new voice Oz and Willow had come over and sat to Cordelia's right with Leelee and Shawn on her left. Oz continued, "None of any of that was his fault. He's not thinking of doing anything stupid is he." he asked worriedly
"No but she's going to take him from me, the only person who can."
Oz looked at Willow and nodded.
"Buffy." Whispered Willow.
Summers Residence
2 hours later
23:15 Zulu
"Excuse me coming through, I can't stop."
15 year old Xander Harris was skateboarding through the grounds of Sunnydale High trying not to hurt anyone as he lost control. He had managed to get himself close to control when he saw something he could only describe as heaven-sent. She was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, slim, long blond hair incredible features of strength and fragility at the same time.
Then he hit the post...
Xander opened his eyes and instead of seeing blue sky and people standing around laughing he saw a ceiling and two blondes and a dark haired girl sitting across the room.
"How long has he been back Buffy." Asked Joyce.
"A few months Mom, he had lost his memory and came back with a bunch of new people. He didn't know any of us and when he did all he remembered of me was all the bad things I had ever done to him."
Buffy started to tear up and looked out the window where the rain was coming down hard. She looked and her mother and sister and whispered slowly.
"He hasn't talked to me in all this time, it's worse than when he was gone. I can't speak to him he won't listen to me and I just can't do anything but watch him from a distance." She started to sob. "He doesn't know how much I've needed him and how much I'm in love with him."
"I think he does Buffy. We kind of told him you were falling apart without him, the way you all were, he knows how much you all need him and that you might not make it much more."
They were surprised when the front door slammed, Buffy jumped up and opened the door in time to see Xander running down the road.
Xander was running down the road, rain pelting him soaking him through his clothes, shirt sticking and trousers tightening around his legs. He did care anymore, all sensation had gone his mind was racing and he just kept running. The words and feelings were running through his mind, his love for Buffy, her own for him, the times that he had been there for her- protected her saved her life. His unconditional feelings towards her that he held back for so long so much even Willow and Buffy never saw it and that only one person had ever called him on.
He finally stopped outside the gates to the campus grounds, he had to do something. He had to talk to someone and to do so he had to leave for a few days, he needed to talk to the one person he never thought he would ask help from, the person who called him on this love.
Angel...
