Part One:
Picking up the Pieces
Usagi--Journal Entry One
Mamo-chan has ceased to exist. He's gone, and the future that fate dictated that we were to have together has literally been erased. To be capable of admitting that to myself... is a big step for me. Really.
These past weeks have been incredibly difficult. The memory of Galaxia's attack and the terror of the battle seems to have been cleared from the minds of everyone in Tokyo. And this alone is taking its toll on me, being on of the few that actually remember what happened. My parents and Shingo are worried about me, I know it. They've seen the way I mope around the house and lock myself in my room when I'm home. Which is not often. I have school, of course, but I've been spending more and more time with Taiki, Yaten, and Seiya--really and truly, they are the only ones on this planet who can comprehend the sheer loss that I feel. Anyway, I feel terrible when I catch the worried expressions that cross my mother's face when she thinks that I'm not looking. I want to tell her everything, to collapse into her arms and hear her words of reassurance, telling me not to feel sad and that everything will work out in the end. But how can I explain how I feel to her? She doesn't understand, she couldn't possibly understand, even if she wanted to. The memories of Mamoru have escaped her, have escaped everyone. I think that I'm the only one that remembers him at all... what he looked like, what he wore, the emotions we shared. That thought alone is painful. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, Mamo-chan never existed.
The exact same goes for my best friends. Hino Rei, Aino Minako, Kino Makoto, Mizuno Ami. Those names are meaningless to everyone but Seiya, Taiki, Yaten, and myself. Those four... they were my inspiration, my safety net. They were everything anyone could ask for. I didn't deserve them. I should've been the one that disappeared. God, this is all my fault... Setsuna and Hotaru, too. They died at the hands of those they trusted the most, never to know that it all was a front, a desperate plan to foil Galaxia. Haruka and Michiru... I hope that they're together, wherever they are. It's difficult to imagine one without the other, and I think that spending eternity apart would be hell enough for both of them. And they don't deserve hell, not for going to such lengths to save me and our world.
So many thoughts keep on coming to mind, threatening to spill out into an incomprehensible mess of words on this piece of paper. The future... the future as I have shown it is... just not there anymore. Chibiusa, undoubtedly, disappeared in the same instant as her future father. But why her? Why?
'Why' is just the insatiable question here. Why? I can ask it all I want, and the answer will probably never come to me.
It's so hard to work through these emotions rationally. Emotion and rationality simply do not go together, period. And I'm not exactly a rational person in the first place. I need to get these feelings out of me somehow, or I'll explode. This journal writing is the only way I can express how I feel without hurting somebody or myself in the process.
Speaking of hurting somebody... I feel awful, for what I said to Fighter. It wasn't right, to pin everything on her. I think she should've slapped my when I said that-actually, I wish she had. I've apologized over and over to Seiya, and each time he tells me that it's okay, that he understood perfectly why I'd said it. Because there was some truth behind those words, however hurtful and born of pain they were.
This chapter is still in progress. gomen, I will TRY to get the rest of it done soon ^^;;
Picking up the Pieces
Usagi--Journal Entry One
Mamo-chan has ceased to exist. He's gone, and the future that fate dictated that we were to have together has literally been erased. To be capable of admitting that to myself... is a big step for me. Really.
These past weeks have been incredibly difficult. The memory of Galaxia's attack and the terror of the battle seems to have been cleared from the minds of everyone in Tokyo. And this alone is taking its toll on me, being on of the few that actually remember what happened. My parents and Shingo are worried about me, I know it. They've seen the way I mope around the house and lock myself in my room when I'm home. Which is not often. I have school, of course, but I've been spending more and more time with Taiki, Yaten, and Seiya--really and truly, they are the only ones on this planet who can comprehend the sheer loss that I feel. Anyway, I feel terrible when I catch the worried expressions that cross my mother's face when she thinks that I'm not looking. I want to tell her everything, to collapse into her arms and hear her words of reassurance, telling me not to feel sad and that everything will work out in the end. But how can I explain how I feel to her? She doesn't understand, she couldn't possibly understand, even if she wanted to. The memories of Mamoru have escaped her, have escaped everyone. I think that I'm the only one that remembers him at all... what he looked like, what he wore, the emotions we shared. That thought alone is painful. As far as the rest of the world is concerned, Mamo-chan never existed.
The exact same goes for my best friends. Hino Rei, Aino Minako, Kino Makoto, Mizuno Ami. Those names are meaningless to everyone but Seiya, Taiki, Yaten, and myself. Those four... they were my inspiration, my safety net. They were everything anyone could ask for. I didn't deserve them. I should've been the one that disappeared. God, this is all my fault... Setsuna and Hotaru, too. They died at the hands of those they trusted the most, never to know that it all was a front, a desperate plan to foil Galaxia. Haruka and Michiru... I hope that they're together, wherever they are. It's difficult to imagine one without the other, and I think that spending eternity apart would be hell enough for both of them. And they don't deserve hell, not for going to such lengths to save me and our world.
So many thoughts keep on coming to mind, threatening to spill out into an incomprehensible mess of words on this piece of paper. The future... the future as I have shown it is... just not there anymore. Chibiusa, undoubtedly, disappeared in the same instant as her future father. But why her? Why?
'Why' is just the insatiable question here. Why? I can ask it all I want, and the answer will probably never come to me.
It's so hard to work through these emotions rationally. Emotion and rationality simply do not go together, period. And I'm not exactly a rational person in the first place. I need to get these feelings out of me somehow, or I'll explode. This journal writing is the only way I can express how I feel without hurting somebody or myself in the process.
Speaking of hurting somebody... I feel awful, for what I said to Fighter. It wasn't right, to pin everything on her. I think she should've slapped my when I said that-actually, I wish she had. I've apologized over and over to Seiya, and each time he tells me that it's okay, that he understood perfectly why I'd said it. Because there was some truth behind those words, however hurtful and born of pain they were.
This chapter is still in progress. gomen, I will TRY to get the rest of it done soon ^^;;
