Fallen From Grace

By Dannette

He has fallen from grace, and has done something he can't take back, can she ever forgive him? Can he forgive himself?




"You idiot." Pacey Whitter spat out angrily at his longlife friend, Dawson Leery. "How could you do this?" Pacey asked, as he paced back and forth. Pacey didn't know what else to say, except that Dawson was an idiot. Pacey had just been told by a guilt stricken Dawson, that Dawson had, in his grieving state of mind, had slept with Jen. "I can't believe you did this D, I know you've been really confused ever since your father died, but this is beyond stupid, it's beyond stupid and it goes straight to moronic!" Pacey hissed.

"Don't you think I know that?" Dawson asked.

"I don't know, do you? Do you know what's going to happen when Jo finds out? She's just going to crumble Dawson! She has been trying her best to help you cope, and she knows that you blame her, blame her for what happened to your dad, which is completely unfair to do Dawson, but she has taken it all from you, but when she finds this out, she won't understand. She won't understand how you go from telling her that you want to get back to the dream where you kiss her, to sleeping with Jen Lindley! I don't even understand it! Except from what you tell me, which is that you wanted the pain to go away, well newsflash here man, that pain inside of you, is supposed to be there, that means you're alive. Everybody feels pain over something Dawson, and you being the selfish bastard you are, tried to make that pain go away, and you probably just caused even more in the process." Pacey snapped.

Dawson rubbed his hands over his face. "God Pace! I don't even remember doing it, it was just this huge blur of things happening. All I know is that when I woke up in the morning I felt like I did something I know can't be taken back! You think I wanted this to happen? All I wanted to do was be with Joey, but then my dad died and everything changed." Dawson replied.

"It's not her fault Dawson, and you know it. You just want someone to blame, well blame yourself too, and that big heart of yours, because you wanted to stay in Boston Dawson and you know it! You wanted to stay in Boston and never return to LA, because that was how much you loved Joey, and you can't blame her or anybody else, you can blame love, but all that blaming you're doing, it's only going to get you so far, and then you're going to realize that you blamed everybody and pushed all these people away, and then you're going to wish you didn't. Dawson shit happens, horrible and unthinkable things happen to us and it hurts, sometimes more then we can bear, but shutting all these people out will never help you get over the pain." Pacey replied.

"He's dead Pacey! He's dead and he's not coming back, just because I stayed in Boston." Dawson nearly screamed.

"Yo D-Man, that's not the truth. That just means you would be in LA, and you would get the news of your father being killed, and you would think of another person to blame. Man, Dawson ... this is hard for me to do, because a huge part of me still loves Joey, and it's pissing me off to see you screw up all these chances you have to get back together with her. You know what's going to happen right? You're going to tell her or she's going to find out, and she's just going to break right in front of you, believe me ... I know, I broke her heart once, it nearly killed me. She's going to break and you're going to wish, no pray, that you never hurt her, and then you'll see her even DAYS after you broke her heart, and you're going to see her look like crap and you're going to want to kill yourself, because you know that you killed her inside. When I did that to her, she had you, to bring her back to the surface, but who will she have now? How will she go to you when you're the one who killed her? How will that make you feel? To know that you mentally and emotionally killed the only girl you have loved with all of your heart?" Pacey asked. "You won't feel good, I know."

Dawson opened his mouth but stopped when he saw Jack and Jen run up to them. "Jen I need to explain about before ... "

Pacey looked at Jen half disgusted and half sad.

Jen bit down on her lip under the close stare of Pacey, she lowered her eyes, to escape the heat of Pacey's gaze.

"No time!" Jack said, his whole body shaking. "Dawson man, I don't know how to say this ... god I don't even want to believe it myself ... " Jack stopped and wiped the tears from his eyes. "It just seems so surreal right now ... "

"What is it?" Pacey asked alarmed.

"Jack?" Dawson questioned.

Jack rubbed his shaking hands over his face. "It's Joey. She was in a car accident today, she was ushered to the hospital, she's in critical condition, she lost a lot of blood, so the doctors said. They said Joey was lucky to be alive, she's in a coma Dawson ... "

"Shut up." Dawson said, backing away. "I just want you to shut up, I don't want to hear another word you have to say." Dawson said, raising his extremely shaking hands. "I don't want to hear it!" Dawson screamed, his eyes filling up with tears. "No not Joey."

Jen folded her arms against her chest, as she bit in the tears.

Pacey took a step towards Dawson. "D-Man ... " Pacey walked towards Dawson. "You have to listen to us, I don't want you to try to block this out. Joey, she needs you man, more then she has ever needed you before. I'm trying to reach you Dawson, all of us are, and sure maybe some of us aren't doing it the right way." Pacey stopped speaking and looked pointedly at Jen before turning back to Dawson. "But Dawson, this is the big scene, you going to be there or you going to flake?" Pacey asked.

Jack sighed. "We don't have time for this, meet us at the hospital you two, come on Jen." Jack said pulling Jen away from Pacey and Dawson. "I still can't believe that you slept with Dawson, this is going to kill her ... " Jack mumbled, walking off.

"D?" Pacey asked.

Dawson nodded, and slowly followed Pacey out the door, but not saying a word, not quite sure how to react towards the news of his best friend being in a car accident, today was just getting more horrible by the moment, why was life so hard on him?

~*~

Everybody's had the blues
Days when it comes undone
This really shouldn't bother me
I know I'm not the only one
To break down and cry
I don't know why it has to be so hard

I could've left this road I'm on
Turned around a thousand times
Surrendered to the great unknown
Give up and leave it all behind
But this is my dream
My life and everything I've prayed for

It takes a strong heart
To see love through
It takes a lot of faith
More than I ever knew
To cry and never let it show
To hold on tight and not let go
It takes a strong heart
A strong heart and you

I keep it hidden deep inside
It's just a phase im going thru
I show the world a pretty face
But I'm not really foolin you
'Cause you know how I feel
You know how to heal
This wounded pride

It takes a strong heart
To see love through
It takes a lot of faith
More than I ever knew
To cry and never let it show
To hold on tight and not let go
It takes a strong heart
A strong heart and you

I don't know what I'd do without you
I couldn't do this alone
You give me faith and hope
And the courage to carry on and on and on


Dawson sat in the chair in the hospital waiting room, beside him he was joined by friends and even Bessie and his mom and Alex were there, but even though he was surrounded by so many people, he in many ways, felt so damn alone. Dawson looked over and looked at Jen, he saw her stare him in the eyes, and the minute he looked into those eyes, he knew he could never forgive himself for what he did ... he took the easy way out, and created more pain, and when Joey found out, she would hate him. Dawson looked away, he pushed himself up from the chair and walked over to the coffee machine, his hands shook like crazy as he poured the coffee, he felt like running, but he knew he couldn't leave when Joey was in that hospital bed, hooked up to those machines, he couldn't leave when his strong Joey was nothing but a shell of her former self, in a weakened state. Dawson took the cup of coffee and brought it up to his lips, he poured the hot liquid down his throat, no matter how much pain the heat of the liquid brought him.

"I'm sorry." Jen said from behind Dawson.

Dawson turned around and stared at Jen with a look of dejection in his eyes. "Don't be. If anybody should be sorry, it should be me Jen, I --- I used you. I used you to make me stop feeling pain, and I just created more, but I never thought it would take me here. I already lost my father, I just don't want to lose Joey as well." Dawson said, drinking more coffee.

Jen put her hand on Dawson's arm. "You'll never lose Joey." She said smiling.

Dawson pulled away and shot Jen a sympathetic look. "I'm sorry. I just --- I don't want to be touched okay? And Jen, you're wrong about me losing Joey. I'm going to lose her, one way or the other, I screwed up everything up, she'll never forgive me, she'll hate me. You don't understand, I love her, and I messed everything up. She won't forgive me, I'll break her, I messed up the minute I went to you, I should have never tried to erase the pain inside of me, I deserve to lose Joey." Dawson said, his eyes lowered.

"I bet she'll forgive herself, before you forgive yourself." Jen replied.

"You know everybody is saying that, and it's not helping." Dawson snapped.

"How can I help you?" Jen asked softly.

"Just stay away from me Jen. Don't touch me, don't try to help me, just leave me alone, okay? I can't handle you right now, all I know is that I have lost my father, and now Joey is slowly dying on me, and if she leaves, I'm destroyed. Joey has always said I'm the strong one that has kept her up on her feet, it's the other way around. Joey is everything to me, and I'm going to lose her, and there is nothing that can help me after that, don't you understand? I keep losing Joey and there is nothing you can do to help me."

Jen sighed, she went to hug Dawson, but he pulled away. Jen bit down on her bottom lip, she opened her mouth to say something but instead she just turned around and walked off, she walked over back to where Pacey was, she tried to speak to him, but he just turned away from her. Jen's bottom lip trembled as she sat back down, Pacey was even mad at her? Somehow that was about the most horrible thing she could have had to her, because even if Jen wasn't ready to admit it, she liked Pacey more then she thought.

Once Jen had walked away from him, Dawson slid down to the ground, he threw the empty cup of coffee across the hall, he leaned his head back against the wall as he let the tears escape out of his eyes. No, this couldn't be happening, not to Joey, not when he needed her to be okay. Dawson covered his face with the sleeve of his shirt, as his body trembled from the tears and fear.

~*~

There's a ship out, on the ocean
At the mercy of the sea
It's been tossed about, lost and broken
Wandering aimlessly
And God somehow you know that ship is me

'Cause there's a lighthouse, in the harbor
Shining faithfully
Pouring its light out, across the water
For this sinking soul to see
That someone out there still believes in me

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end
When you come back to me again

There's a moment we all come to
In our own time and our own space
Where all that we've done, we can undo
If our heart's in the right place

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end
When you come back to me again
And again I see my yesterday's in front of me
Unfolding like a mystery
You're changing all that is and used to be

On a prayer, in a song
I hear your voice and it keeps me hanging on
Raining down, against the wind
I'm reaching out 'til we reach the circle's end
When you come back to me again

When you come back to me again


"You're mad at me." Jen said pointedly at Pacey, as she stood behind him, watching him staring at the vending machine.

"Why would you say that?" Pacey asked, his eyes tired from the long hours he had been up since his arrival at the hospital, he slammed his hand against the vending machine angrily, he couldn't keep being the strong one in this damn group! Pacey felt Jen looked at the side of his face now, Pacey turned away, he slammed his hand against the vending machine once more.

"Pacey speak to me." Jen said, touching his arm. "We're all shaken up about this, but Joey is a survivor ... "

Pacey turned to Jen. "You haven't known her as long as I have, you don't have to see your best friend dying every minute she's not awake. Have you looked at Dawson in the past four hours Jen? He's like a zombie, and you haven't helped! Why did you sleep with him? Why would you do that, especially in his state of mind? You know how much he loves Joey ... " Pacey trailed off.

"Believe me I know. I know all about Joey and Dawson, I know all about how much they love each other, and how they are made for each other! Well maybe I never stopped loving him, a part of me always wanted to be back with Dawson, I always wanted to be the one he loved at the end of the night, but even when I was with him, it was always about Joey with him. You don't know how I felt!"

"Oh don't I?" Pacey asked. "You forget how much I loved Joey? But look at this way Jen, at least someone knows how you feel."

"But you're mad at me." Jen pointed out.

"Right now, I'm mad at the world Jen, get used to it, I'm a guy." Pacey said, hitting the vending machine again, harder this time.

Jen stood in her exact place as she watched Pacey stare at the vending machine, the hurt flashing in his eyes, giving away how sad he was. Jen pulled on Pacey's arm, when he turned around, Jen pulled him into a hug. "We just all need to stick together." Jen mumbled softly, as she continued to hug Pacey, she felt him finally hug her back, she let a small smile spread on her lips.

Pacey sighed, and hugged Jen back, he hid his face into the crook of her neck, as he began to cry.

"It's not your fault Dawson." Gale tried to reason with her son, but she couldn't get through to him, ever since they arrived in the hospital, Dawson in the past few hours, had been cold, he wouldn't really talk to anybody. It was scaring Gale, she understood that Dawson was shooken up about what happened, Gale had a feeling if Joey wasn't to recover, Dawson would die as well.

"Who? Jo or dad?" Dawson snapped.

"Joey isn't dead." Gale said sadly.

"She will be once I break the news to her ..."

"What news?" Gale asked.

"Nothing." Dawson said, running his fingers through his hair. "Just nothing." Dawson mumbled underneath his breath.

~*~

Dawson walked into the hospital room slowly, he peeked his head in and for the first time in weeks, he smiled, when he saw Joey sitting up in bed, with a huge frown on her face. "Never one to like hospitals, huh Jo?" Dawson asked, smiling shyly.

Joey looked at Dawson, she watched him walking into the hospital room, with a serious look in her eyes. "You know the answer to that Dawson." Joey said, watching Dawson walk up to the hospital bed. "I know Dawson." Joey said in a low voice.

Dawson stopped dead in his tracks. "You know?" He questioned quietly.

"I know." Joey echoed. "I went to Jen's for a reason I can't remember now, I walked up to her room and knocked, she didn't answer at first so I opened the door, and then I saw you two in bed, asleep, but please Dawson I know what happened in that room. I don't understand Dawson, one minute you were telling me how you wanted to get back to the dream of kissing me, and then you're sleeping with Jen? I know you're in pain, but Dawson what you did --- it hurts me even to talk about it." Joey replied.

"And the car accident ... "

"I was crying, god me and my stupid emotions, and then this car came out of nowhere, I couldn't swerve it in time." Joey said.

"Joey please, just let me try --- I don't know how to fix what happened between me and Jen. If I could take it back I would, believe me I would do anything to take back what happened. I was confused, and I just wanted the pain to go away Jo, I couldn't go to you. I couldn't at the moment, and Jen was there, and it happened, I love you, I know I do! When my father died, I felt all thoughts of ever living again die with his body, but I don't want to be dead Jo, I want to be with you." Dawson said, near tears.

"I don't know if I want to be with you anymore, not after what happened with Jen." Joey whispered. "Just leave please Dawson."

Dawson let the tears fall out of his eyes. "Joey ... "

"PLEASE." Joey stressed out the word.

Dawson nodded and left the hospital room, he closed the hospital door, once he was outside he leaned against the wall and let the cries tremble throughout his whole body, the cries tremored through his whole body, he cried even hard when he heard Joey crying on the other side of the door. Dawson slid down to the ground, and covered his face, as he felt himself fall from grace.

Joey covered her face with her hands as she let the hot tears roll out of her eyes, she felt so much pain right now, and all she wanted to do was to be with Dawson, and somehow that had been crushed, all her hopes for them were shattered. Joey heard the door re-open, she removed her hands to see Jack, she just turned around and continued to cry, cry as hard as she could.

Jack walked over to Joey's hospital bed, he grabbed the chair and sat down, as he watched his friend cry. He had seen Dawson walk out and start to cry, so Jack had decided that he should go in there to see how bad Joey was crying herself. Jack reached out and took Joey's hand, a friendly gesture he hadn't done in a long time, he let her cry, but kept a hold of her hand, to let Joey know that he was there for her, and he wasn't going anywhere, he would be there for Joey whenever she needed him.