By Dannette
He has fallen from grace, and has done something he can't take back, can she ever forgive him? Can he forgive himself?
"Hey Dawson."
Dawson looked up and looked at Audrey, he nodded towards her and went back to reading some book he had his eyes buried into, at least it was something to get his mind off of the interminable pain he was feeling ever since he walked out of the hospital room, ever since Joey looked at him, a pained look in her eyes, and told him to leave, he had broken outside, but now he was fine. Well as fine as he could get, he hadn't seen Joey in weeks, and in a way that was good. When he didn't see her, he didn't have to see how much of a moron he had been, when he wasn't around Joey, he didn't have to see that he had lost her, in a moment of stupidity and pain, he had lost Joey. Dawson knew it was his fault, he couldn't blame anybody but himself for going to Jen to erase his pain, but all of him in that hospital that day, has wished that Joey would have forgave him, and when she didn't, the last part of him broke.
"Look, I don't know a lot about what happened between you two, but I know that she is really down. Joey is one of my best friends, she is the only person who has ever defended my honor to my mother, she has a lot more guts then anybody I have ever known, but ever since she returned from the hospital, she looks so sad. I know it has something to do with you ... " Audrey trailed off.
"Doesn't everything nowadays?" Dawson retorted. "Look Audrey, you don't understand what happened." Dawson replied.
"Hmm, let me try to guess what happened. You broke her heart, you're blaming yourself, and you want her back, but she doesn't want you back? Anywhere near what actually happened? Geez Dawson, I have never seen two people miss so many signs, you two love each other, can't they just be it? Why do you two have to over analyze every little microscopic thing?" Audrey asked.
Dawson sighed, he slammed the book shut, he pushed the book aside and stood up. "There are no more signs. I did something I can't take back Audrey okay? You want the whole story? I slept with Jen. There, you know. I wanted the pain of my father's death and my part in it to go away, so I went to Jen, and I slept with her. Joey without my knowledge saw us, she got in a car accident on the way back to her dorm. I tried talking to her in the hospital room, but she doesn't want to be with me --- "
"That can't be the end of it!" Audrey exploded.
"Well Audrey, it is." Dawson said, walking off.
Audrey ran after Dawson. "If you love her, and she loves you, then you two should be able to get over this. I've been with enough guys to know that when true love knocks on your door, it can survive anything! Even this 'Jen' thing, just give it time."
Dawson sighed. "No Audrey, you're living in a make believe world, where love is all flowers and sunshine, well it's not. I learned that the hard way, you lose people for unthinkable reasons, and there is no rewinding life and making sure you don't lose that person. Things happen, and you can't change how things happen, it's fate and fate has given me and Joey the axe. My father is dead, I've lost Joey, and you should go away, before I somehow mess you up too." Dawson replied, walking off once more.
This time Audrey just stood
outside of the library as she watched Dawson walk off, the boy she had
given the tour to, and had seen love in his eyes when he spoke of the coy
Joey Potter was gone, and he was replaced by a cynical and depressed form
of Dawson Leery. Audrey sighed, she may have had it hard, with a mother
like hers, but nothing compared to Dawson and Joey.
~*~
"I don't know how to say I'm sorry to you Joey." Jen started. "When he came to me, he looked so down and depressed and I told myself I would do anything to make him less depressed, I could say that it just happened ... but it didn't, at least not for me. You know I still have feelings for him Joey, and I guess I let those feelings take me over again, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry if I ruined everything that we re-built between us, I never wanted to hurt you, but that is what I ended up doing. Joey please you have to understand, that I love you like a sister, if you would just talk to me or even Dawson --- " Jen sighed, she looked away from the mirror, god she couldn't recite the apology to a damn mirror, how would she apologize to the human Joey? Jen walked over to her bed and plopped down, she hated how things were lately, Jen had purposely avoided Joey the first few days Joey was released from the hospital, but now Jen wanted to talk to Joey, explain ... apologize ... anything. Jen had finally gotten Joey's friendship and now it might have been ruined, because she couldn't turn down the boy who ultimately changed her life. Jen was weak at the heart and she knew it, Jen sighed, as she pushed herself up and walked back over to the mirror once more. "I can do this." Jen mumbled.
Jen pushed some strands of her blonde hair out of her eyes, she looked at the mirror and envisioned Joey. "Joey, I'm so sorry ... " Jen groaned and shook her head. "Jo, please let me explain ... no ... " Jen said, groaning once more. "You have every right to hate me but ... but what?!" Jen screamed at herself in the mirror. "Please, can we still be friends? Even though I did sleep with Dawson ... can we get through this? Don't hate me?" Jen said, lowering her head. "There is no way I am going to get her to forgive me."
"Maybe you should just talk to me." Joey said, standing at the doorway of Jen's room.
Jen whirled around, she stared at Joey. "Joey, okay --- look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry for whatever pain I caused you, I wasn't thinking, well in a way I was, but not about you, and that just made me sound like the worse friend ever. I love you like a sister Jo, and this past year your friendship has been everything to me, and I understand if you want to stop being friends, but I AM sorry. I should have thought twice before I did something that stupid, I just --- I still love him, and I let those emotions be my boss. It was wrong, and I know it didn't help anybody, but I can't change what I did ... " Jen said, folding her arms across her chest. "Please, can you ever forgive me for what I did? I don't want to lose you as a friend, you're one of my two best friends Joey." Jen confessed.
Joey walked into the room. "When I saw you two sleeping in this bed --- " Joey said, pointing down at Jen's bed. "I was shocked, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I mean it felt just like yesterday that Dawson had told me he was afraid that he would never get back to the dream of kissing me, and then I saw you two --- and then I felt like something inside of me died. The hope of me and Dawson died, and I ran, I got in my car and drove down the road as fast as I could. Tears were spilling out of my eyes, and then I saw the car, and all I could think about when our cars collided into one another --- was that I still love him. When he asked for my forgiveness in the hospital, everything in me wanted to forgive him, but I didn't. I told him to leave, you must know that by now, and as I was crying my eyes out, holding Jack's hand, I realized --- what you did killed me Jen, not just you, but you and him. But I forgive you, because you are my friend, and I know how short life can be ... " Joey said, biting down on her lip. "But Jen, deep down, you HAD to know that it would destroy everything between us, and you did it any ways --- why?" Joey asked.
"Because I loved him." Jen replied.
Joey nodded. "That's not being weak, that's just being human." Joey said, looking Jen in the eyes. "But I have to ask you this --- I still love him with everything I have inside of me, and I want him back, but I know I have to help him cope with the death of his father, before we can go anywhere with our relationship. He helped me survive the death of my mom, I want to help him survive the death of his father --- but I need to know --- will you ever sleep with Dawson again, if he comes to you like he did before?" Joey asked.
Jen walked closer to Joey, she stared Joey straight in the eyes. "No, I won't, and I promise you that Jo." Jen replied honestly.
There was a long silence
in the room, before a shocking turn of events, the two girls hugged one
another, not saying a word.
~*~
"Dawson, I'm worried about you. Ever since that day in the hospital, you have been like a dead man walking, you don't talk to us, you just continue to shut everybody out. You haven't lost everybody Dawson, you just think you have. You DO understand why she was so upset right D-Man? You slept with another girl, she had every right to be upset, but that doesn't mean she'll NEVER forgive you, you're just going to have to give Jo some time, she loves you man, and vice-versa." Pacey replied, staring at Dawson.
"Have you ever felt like you have nothing inside of you?" Dawson asked.
"Yeah ... " Pacey said, somewhat warily.
"I feel like that all the time recently, it's this feeling deep down in me, it feels like I have nothing else to live for. God Pace, that feeling, the feeling that I have nothing to live for, is so incredibly scary. I remember when Jo told me she had that feeling, it was right after her mom died, she was hiding out in my closet and Joey told me she felt like she wanted to die. I was so scared for her, I slid into my closet with her, and I held her the whole night, and I told her to NEVER die on me." Dawson replied softly.
"I remember that." Pacey replied. "She eventually got better, with your help." Pacey stated.
"I made her promise to never die on me, and then here I am, slowly dying inside. I feel like such a hypocrite, I feel like I preached all this stuff to Joey all these years and when real pain has finally knocked on my door, I betrayed everything I ever told her, just because now it's MY pain. I don't want to be this dead person inside Pace, believe me I don't, but I just wish --- I still had that girl in the girl in my closet. I wish I could go home, go up to my room, open my closet room door and there she would be, asking me to hold her and make everything better. If I could just have that girl again, have that part of my life again, I think I could somehow survive this whole loss. But that girl, that one constant part of my life, was taken away from me, because I wanted the pain to stop."
Pacey sighed, he pulled his chair in front of Dawson's, he grabbed Dawson by the shoulders. "You haven't lost that girl. Stop wishing upon a star Dawson and go up to that closet, she might still be there. You have to stop moping, you have to stop blaming yourself for every little wrong thing in your life, and go to that closet. Open that closet up, go home Dawson." Pacey replied.
"No, no I can't." Dawson replied weakly.
"Go home." Pacey said firmly. "GO HOME. You need to go back into that house, walk up those stairs, open that closet and see if she's there. She's there, then you actually have a chance in hell in surviving your fall from grace, she's not there ... I give you permission to give up. But I think, that girl you thought you lost, she just might be waiting for you in that closet." Pacey replied.
Dawson opened his mouth to
reply, but he just shut it, and closed his eyes, not objecting, but not
agreeing to do anything.
~*~
"Mom, I'm home." Dawson said warily, as he walked into his old home, his lifelong home in Capeside. Dawson put his black duffel bag down, he walked into the dining room to be met with an array of baby toys, he smiled softly and looked up, he was met with the shocked but nevertheless happy face of Gale Leery, he was soon pulled into a tight hug by his mother, who was all smiles.
"I didn't think you would come back so soon, how are you honey?" Gale asked, pulling away.
"I --- I'm doing okay mom, how are you?" Dawson asked, looking into Gale's eyes. "I should have come home sooner, but it's been hard on me. Really hard on me mom, remember what you said to me in the hospital? About it not being my fault? Did you really believe that? You don't blame me do you? I mean, if it wasn't for me dad would still be --- " Dawson was cut off by Gale.
Gale shook her head. "No Dawson, I don't blame you, and you have to stop blaming yourself. Actually if anything, I admire you for staying in Boston, where obviously your heart was. Your father was so shocked and angry, he would have eventually talked to you again, he knew how much you love Joey, we all know. And I have always wanted you to be happy honey, and I know that being with Joey would make you happy for a whole lifetime. What happened to your father was horrible, but it was never your fault."
"I lost Joey." Dawson confessed.
"How so?" Gale asked.
"I don't want to get into the details, but I lost her mom. I did something stupid, and I lost Joey, and now I can't help but remember all these promises we made, promises about it Bessie, or you or dad ever died, we would never shut each other out. I broke those promises to her, and I feel like such a hypocrite mom." Dawson said, sighing. "And I love her still." Dawson added.
"Honey, people would have to be blind not to see the love that was shared between you two, ever since you two were little, it was always about you and Joey. You two were always chasing each other around the tree, you're still doing that, except now it's a hypothetical tree, you two are still dancing around emotions, you two are both afraid, but I've always seen you two surpass everything together, this shouldn't be any differently." Gale said, kissing Dawson on the forehead.
"Has anyone come by today?" Dawson asked hopefully.
"Nope." Gale said smiling. "Take your bag upstairs, I have enough stuff down here. I'll cook you up something, hmm ... " Gale said, walking away from Dawson and walking into the kitchen, with a huge grin on her face, despite her pain.
Dawson sighed sadly, he grabbed his bag and hopped up the stairs that led to his room. So Pacey was wrong, Joey wasn't there, Joey wasn't waiting for him, like Dawson had so desperately hoping she had been. Dawson entered his room and threw his bag against the wall, he went to leave his room, but stopped when he saw that his television was on. Dawson walked over to the television and looked at the movie that was on, it was an old home video of him and Joey, Dawson looked around the room, looking for a sign that Joey was here. Dawson turned off the tape and went to leave but then he turned around and stared at his closet, he slowly walked over to the closet, he put his hand around the door knob, and froze, he took a deep breath and opened the closet door. Dawson looked at the closet and found nothing in there, Dawson frowned, he shut the door slowly, trying not to act like a complete emotional freak and start crying, Dawson turned around and staggered back when he found him face to face with Joey.
"Sorry, you know I had to go to the bathroom." Joey said, staring at Dawson.
Dawson let out a nervous laugh. "J-Joey, you're here." Dawson said, biting down on his lip. "I mean, you came. How did you know that I would come? That I would be here? I mean you took a really big chance, I mean ... what if I didn't come?" Dawson asked.
"I was taking the risk, got sick of wishing upon the star, that you would come back to me." Joey said, tucking her hands behind her back. "I'm sorry Dawson, for everything. I'm sorry you blame me for Mitch's death, I'm sorry you lost him, I'm sorry I never said that I forgave you in the hospital room. I should have forgiven you --- I don't know why I didn't, I'm so sorry." Joey replied.
Dawson closed his eyes momentarily. "No Joey," Dawson said, opening his eyes. "I'm the one that's sorry. I made you promise me something years and years ago, I made you promise to never die or shut me out, and you promised me that you would never do that. And then when my dad died, I shut you out, and I did the unthinkable Jo, I blamed you. I blamed you for something that wasn't your fault, and then I betrayed you and me both Joey. By sleeping with Jen, I betrayed everything that I wanted to find again. I still haven't found it Joey, I still don't have that dream of kissing you, but I want it Joey, I want to get back to you, it's just going to take time. But I need you now Joey, more then I have ever needed you before, help me live again." Dawson said softly, his eyes were watering up. "Help me Joey. Forgive me." Dawson said, as the tears slowly left his eyes, rolling down his face painfully.
Joey nodded, she walked all the way over to Dawson and hugged him, she wrapped her arms around his body and she let out a sob when Dawson wrapped his arms around her. The two friends slid down to the ground, Dawson never letting go of his hold on Joey. Dawson continued to cry, still holding onto Joey, the one person he knew could help him survive his fall from grace. Dawson knew that the road to finally coping wouldn't be an easy one, but now that he had Joey at his side, he believed he could do it.
"Jo?" Dawson asked.
"Yeah?" Joey asked distracted, as she stroked his hair.
"Do you forgive me? You never said the actual words ... "
"I forgive you Dawson. Dawson I was hurt so badly at first, but Dawson when my mom died, I did a lot of stupid things, sure I didn't sleep with anybody but that's besides the point. I remember the first week she was dead, you kept coming to me, asking me how I was, and I pushed you away. Remember the fight in the cafeteria? I told you I hated your guts and I wanted you to leave me alone for the rest of my life. I told you I never wanted to know you again, and I didn't care if you never spoke to me again, and then I ran off, then you showed up at my doorstep, even though I told you to go away, you stayed at my doorstep all night long, until I finally let you in. That night Dawson, you showed me that you were my brick wall, because no matter how many times I pushed you away, you always came back, always saying that our bond would survive it and I told myself, I one day will do that for him."
Dawson didn't reply, but
just continued to hold onto Joey, words didn't really needed to be said,
not after what Joey just said.
