In Vernon Dursley's opinion this was all just a little too much, and his wife, Petunia, agreed. It had been many years since Vernon had been this put out and he was angry. His hands were white where he gripped the steering wheel of his car as he drove it back toward Little Whinging from the Airport.
They were barely two days into their holiday in Majorca with Yvonne when the local police had phoned to say their home had been broken into and burgled. Never mind that the thieves were caught and all they had taken, a silver picture frame, had been recovered. Never mind that the police assured them the house was secure and they were not needed in order for charges to be brought. Never mind this, Vernon would not stand for it, he would not. He was going to see his home was secure himself.
As for Petunia, she was greatly distressed that this most scandalous neighborhood event had happened to them... and they had not even been there. She was even more eager than Vernon to get home, ascertain the particulars, and start quashing the gossip. After all, it was one thing to do the gossiping. It was quite another to be the one gossiped about.
Sure enough, Mrs. Next Door could be seen pulling back the curtain as they pulled into the front drive of Number Four. Petunia's bony fingers dug into her equally bony hands as she flashed Mrs. Next Door a most empty smile.
For his part, Vernon hustled Petunia and their bags into the house and immediately rang up the police to ask why officers had not been waiting to meet them upon their arrival. It was while Vernon was angrily demanding that some officers be sent around at once that Petunia heard a slight "pop" behind her that reminded her of the sound a champagne cork makes when released from the bottle.
She turned to see from where the sound came and was met with the sight of a glowering Alastor Moody. The last thing she heard before fainting was Vernon screaming into the phone, oblivious.
Alastor Moody NOT glowering was a sight to quail the heart of many a witch or wizard, let alone a muggle. He was so scarred his face resembled a carved and wizened tree trunk. The fact that a portion of his nose was missing and that a missing eye was now replaced by a bulging magical one only made his visage worse. Long dark hair, considerable height, and a wooden leg combined with this to made even a smiling Moody an intimidating sight.
It took Moody some time to figure out how to revive the Dursleys (for Vernon had also fainted when he came out to see to Petunia and spotted Moody.) The reviving charm did not work, as they had not lost consciousness by magic. Finally, he clumped into the kitchen, found a saucepan, filled it with water, and returned to dump it on the Dursleys.
They came up sputtering, saw Moody, and went pale again.
"Don't even think about fainting again, either one o' ye," Moody growled, "Or I'll turn ye both into Newts."
They both went a shade paler, but neither of them fainted. They just sat on the floor, wide-eyed, staring up at Moody with open mouths.
"Right, then," Moody continued eyes flashing, "Vernon and Petunia Dursley, if I'm not mistaken, no?"
Petunia did not speak she simply nodded. Vernon, however, was beginning to regain his composure. As he did a purplish color began to creep up his neck toward his face.
"I demand to know who YOU are and why you have invaded my home!" he bellowed.
Moody shifted his wand from right to left hand and back again before speaking. Vernon began to pale once again.
"You could do with some better manners, Dursley," he said in a low growl, "What you demand is of little consequence to me, you ingrate."
Vernon began to sputter, but restrained himself when Moody turned the wand so it aimed at him.
"The Ministry of Magic and Albus Dumbledore were under the impression your miserable hides had gone missing. Although you seem hardly deserving of it, they were concerned. A witch and wizard were sent to search for you. Your nephew was also worried and ran away from school with two of his friends, also to look for you."
Vernon began to grow purple again at the news that a witch and wizard had been dispatched to look for them. However, a look from Moody stopped him before he was imprudent enough to express his opinion on the subject.
"What I demand to know, Dursley, is where the witch and wizard sent to look after you are and where your nephew and his friends are."
Vernon exploded, "I haven't seen any of your foul type here nor my freak nephew either and they would be no more welcome here than you! Your kind have caused my family enough trouble and I warn you-"
About what Vernon intended to make his warning will never be known. With a lazy wave of his wand Moody deprived him of his voice. With another flick of his wand he caused a suitcase to sail through the air and land with a thud between Vernon and Petunia.
"Dursley! Am I correct that you were not missing but, in fact, on some sort of Holiday?"
Vernon was still mouthing the words that would not come, so Moody again waved his wand to lock his jaw. Moody's growl had a distinct and very dangerous edge when he continued.
"Nod yes or no, Dursley. Were you on vacation?" Vernon nodded.
"Not missing at any time?" Vernon's head shook.
"Have you seen any sign of the witch and wizard who were sent to look for you?" Vernon's head shook again.
"Have you seen any sign of your nephew or his friends," Vernon glared at Moody but shook his head all the same.
Moody turned and clumped into the front room where a tawny owl fluttered outside the window waiting to be let in. Moody was impressed, the owl had made remarkable time. He waved his wand and a pane of window glass disappeared, letting the owl come in. Moody pulled a bit of parchment from a pocket and took a pencil from the phone table. His note to the Ministry of Magic was terse. "Vernon and Petunia Dursley at home, not in danger. No sign of faculty sent to search for them, nor of H. Potter, R. Weasley, or H. Granger. Returning to Hogwarts at once. -A. Moody" He sent the owl back through the window with the note. Deliberately leaving the widow without its pane he waved his wand and was gone with the same champagne cork pop that had announced his arrival.
One hour later, Petuna was scrubbing the hallway like a woman possessed. She was, therefore, close to the front door when a very tired Harry, Ron, and Hermione knocked and came through it...
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Author's Note: Did I mention this story was a comedy? (tee hee hee) Must have slipped my mind. I trust you'll forgive me in time. Care to write a review anyhow? Pretty Please????
