Young Ms. Figg, Chapter 13: Pulling Hen's Teeth
Harry was thunderstruck. He literally stopped in his tracks and gaped, wide-eyed, at his Aunt Petunia. For her part, Petunia had also frozen, scrub brush raised, as Harry and his friends entered the front hall. She recovered more quickly than Harry and his friends, however. She promptly slammed the brush into the bucket with a sloshy splash yelling, "VERNON!"
Ron and Hermione had also frozen in surprise, but Petunia's yell snapped them out of it. Even as Vernon's steps thundered down the stairs, they were shaking Harry. He had begun to mouth silent words that looked something like "here."
"Harry! Snap out of it," Ron said urgently as Vernon came round the corner into the hall.
There was terrible moment of silence followed by a roar that must have contained all the anger and frustration Vernon had been feeling for the last twelve to twenty-four hours of his life.
"YOU!"
Hermione winced at both the venom and the volume (which surely would have knocked dust off the picture frames had there been any to knock off.)
"You." Harry replied, much more faintly, "You're here, you're both here."
"YES, YOU RUDDY BRAT, WE'RE HERE!" he continued to thunder, "THIS IS OUR HOME! YOU, BOY, AND YOUR FREAK FRIENDS, HOWEVER, ARE NOT WELCOME!"
Even Petunia winced a bit at Vernon's volume and his increasingly purple colour.
"Vernon," she hissed, "calm yourself! The boy's not worth it."
At this, Vernon directed a particularly poisonous look at Harry, Ron, and Hermione, but proceeded to take a deep breath. It was hard to tell if his purplish colouring had gone any lighter, but it had stopped going darker. Ron and Hermione had gone pale more, perhaps from shock at Vernon's manner than his presence. Harry was still feeling distinctly weak in the knees and had only registered the fact that his uncle was thundering something at him. He hadn't really picked up any content of Vernon's initial salvo. When his uncle continued, however, Harry did pick up what he was saying.
"You, boy! What are you doing out of that ruddy school of yours and why did you bring your abnormal friends with you to our house, eh?! It's bad enough I have to feed and house you; but now I have to entertain your little mutant friends and whatever other freaks pop up looking for you!"
At the mention of "other freaks" popping up to look for them Harry, Ron, and Hermione exchanged looks, but wisely said nothing.
"Yes, boy, that's right. You're school is on to you. They sent a filthy horrible disfigured monster to come and look for you and your little friends."
Again, the trio exchanged looks, this time of confusion. One person... a disfigured person? That didn't sound like Figg. Even though Snape could shampoo more often than he did, it really didn't sound like him, either.
"That's right, the damn Frankenstein came right into our home and clumped about, giving orders and casting... spells." Vernon said this last word as if it came up with a particularly bad taste. "I'll have you know, boy, that YOU brought this upon us... you and your abnormality. I've had enough, boy, ENOUGH! I can't stand the sight of you. Get upstairs to your room while I think what to do about you. And take your ruddy friends with you!!" Vernon finally sputtered to a stop.
"But how-"
"No back talk boy!"
"Excuse me, Mr. Dursley, sir," Hermione began, "But we thought you and Mrs. Dursely had gone m-"
"Shut up girl! GO! ALL OF YOU, GO!"
Perhaps it was years of long practice. Perhaps he simply realized his uncle could not be reasoned with. In any case, Harry simply began to walk toward the stairs with a perplexed Ron and Hermione in his wake. They trailed up the stairs and Harry led them into his room. Moments after Harry had shut the door he heard the click of the key turning in the lock. Vernon had locked them in.
Ever practical, Hermione immediately moved to the window and uttered an unintelligible oath and turned, saying, "Nailed shut."
"Magic then?" Ron asked.
"No!" Hermione said intently, "If we use magic the ministry will know where we are and come for us immediately."
"So? What does it matter at this point? Harry's Aunt and Uncle are, er, fine."
"Well, for one thing," Hermione said, annoyed, "We'd be breaking the Decree for the Restriction on Underage Wizardry. That would definitely put our expulsion over the top, don't you think?"
Ron nodded grudgingly and crossed to flop onto the bed.
"But that's only the least of our problems," Hermione continued, "You heard Harry's uncle. He said someone from Hogwarts came looking for US. The person he described didn't really sound like Madam Figg or even Snape... unless Snape's acquired a wooden leg we don't know about."
"A wooden leg?" Ron asked, totally confused.
"Yes. Harry's uncle said the person from school who came was 'clumping about.' He also said he was disfigured."
"It was probably Moody then, do you think?" Ron asked.
"Exactly." Hermione said
Harry said nothing. He had remained standing near the door still looking a bit pale, but he was listening.
"But, then what happened to Snape and Figg?" Ron asked.
"Very good question, don't you think? Seems to me Mr. Dursley would've certainly thrown in the fact that they were here in his diatribe, don't you think?" Hermione said not troubling to hide her disgust with Vernon.
Harry finally spoke. "So where are they? And where were Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia?" He asked, mystified.
"You don't think they're imposters down there, to throw us off? You know, polyjuice?" Ron offered, suddenly.
"No. That's definitely them, trust me." Harry said dryly.
"Alright, then," Hermione said, beginning to pace. "He said 'a' wizard was here and now we were. It doesn't sound like they've encountered any other witches or wizards at all."
"So they probably weren't abducted by Death Eaters at all, then." Ron said.
"Doesn't look like it," Harry said, flatly.
"So they were clearly somewhere else," Hermione said, thoughtfully.
"Wait, wait a minute, what about Perkins?" Ron interjected.
Harry and Hermione both shook their heads. It seemed the things they didn't know outnumbered the things they did.
"Alright," Hermione said, again, "We know they weren't here yesterday but they are today. We don't know where they were, but it seems they weren't with Death Eaters, in any case. We also know that Moody was here but they didn't see Snape or Figg. Whatever would have happened to them?"
"Snape and Figg or Harry's Aunt and Uncle?" Ron asked
"I meant Snape and Figg. If they weren't on the trail of an abducted Mr. and Mrs. Dursley, where would they have gone?"
"Back to Hogwarts, do you suppose?" Harry offered.
"Oh no. We're really, really, done for aren't we?" Ron asked.
"Definitely." Harry responded.
"All that trouble to sneak out without our absence being noticed and they notice fast enough to get someone here looking for us even before we get here," Ron said shaking his head.
"And," Hermione said grimly, "It seems we left before they could tell us the happy news. That must be why they noticed we were gone."
Harry was concentrating very hard on the floor.
"I'm sorry. This is all my fault, you know." He finally said, still staring at the floor.
"Oh, please, Harry," Ron said irritably, "Get off it, we insisted on coming - if you remember!"
"Don't be a martyr, Harry," Hermione added, "They make dull friends."
Ron laughed out loud in surprise and Harry felt a small grin tugging at his mouth.
"No one knows the rules better than I," she continued brightly, "I chose to break them. Heck, I was tired of being a prefect anyway."
Harry clapped a hand to his head at this, and Ron said "Oh no!"
"'Mione! I didn't even think of that! Ohmygosh, I'm so sorry!"
Hermione looked a bit wistful for a moment, but then a wicked grin began to spread across her face. "Don't worry about it. I think it will do wonders for my image to be the first prefect 'stripped of her badge' in decades."
Ron's eyebrows sailed toward his hairline and Harry looked skeptical. Hermione just laughed and plopped down on the bed next to Ron. No one said anything for a few moments until Ron started sniggering.
"What?!" Hermione demanded.
"Hermione Granger, Rebel Without A Cause! It's just too much!"
"For you maybe, Weasley," she shot back, "But not for everyone." Ron coloured at this and stopped laughing. He was obviously remembering how he had felt when Viktor Krum had courted Hermione last year.
"So what are we going to do?" Harry said changing the subject as he and Hermione sat down on either side of Ron.
"Dunno. What do you think?"
They began to go over it all again and again, talking in circles but making no real progress in figuring their situation out. Eventually one after another of them flopped backward from their sitting position to lay on the bed sideways with their legs hanging off the edge. As they talked yawns began to become more frequent than words. Eventually, the three stressed and exhausted students each feel into an uneasy sleep.
