As the beams of sunlight moved across Harry's room in Privet Drive, a beam finally found it's way to Ron's closed eyes. He threw his arm over his face with a grimace and rolled over... right into Hermione. She woke with a start and a small squawk, jumping up immediately, causing the mattress to bounce, and a sleeping Harry to slide onto the floor. There was a great deal of grumpy muttering for a few seconds until Hermione shook her head and yelled out.
"Wake up, you guys! It's morning... we've lost hours and hours!"
Harry, still on the floor shook his head and immediately regretted it as his very stiff neck sent out a sharp protest. Meanwhile Ron was groaning and rubbing his lower back.
"Snap out of it, will you?" Hermione said impatiently, "It's Monday Morning, and we've got to think of a way to get out of here and get back to Hogwarts."
"And," Ron added ruefully, "think of the best way to throw ourselves upon the mercy of the faculty."
Harry uttered an inarticulate moan of despair and pressed the palms of his hands into his eyes. "Do we have to go back?" he asked in a voice that was obviously not meant to be taken seriously.
"Wouldn't it be great if we didn't?" Ron said wistfully.
Hermione snorted, "Yes, it would. It was also be great if we found a thousand Galleons under Harry's pillow. Since neither is going to happen I suggest we try to figure out how to handle what is."
Ron glared at Hermione but, apparently, could not think of a decent retort that soon after waking. Hermione continued, "The window is nailed shut. Harry, do you have anything in here with which we could pry it open?"
"Dunno," said Harry, rising and moving stiffly around the room, rubbing his neck, "Maybe there is something in all Dudley's junk." He had pointed to the shelf stuffed with broken toys and electronics. Hermione stepped sharply to the shelf and began sorting through it when there was a loud click and the door flew open to reveal Uncle Vernon, his mouth set in a grim line.
"Your Aunt Petunia and I have decided that the best thing to do is to send you back to that... school... of yours. Understand this, boy," He continued, glaring, "If you ever show up here again when you're not supposed to be here you'll be out on the street."
Harry looked at Vernon without changing his expression. It was hardly worth the effort. Meanwhile, Ron and Hermione exchanged meaningful looks.
"If you want breakfast," Vernon continued, "You'll have to make it yourself. I expect you to be off the premises by noon." With that Vernon turned on his heel and stormed down the stairs.
"Top of the morning, Uncle Vernon," Harry said sarcastically.
"Harry," Ron said, "would you mind awfully if I told you that your Uncle is a git?"
Harry spluttered with laughter and grinned, "Yes I would. Calling him a git insults decent gits everywhere."
Even Hermione giggled at this, saying, "You're only related to him by marriage, right?"
"Him, yes. Her, no."
"My condolences." Hermione said.
Before Ron could add anything his stomach did, emitting a loud rumble. "Ok," he said, turning a bit pink about the ears, "lets go eat something then go face the music."
Both Vernon and Petunia were sitting at the kitchen table in stony silence when Harry, Ron, and Hermione entered the kitchen. Petunia winced at the sight of them and Vernon rustled the newspaper he was reading. Otherwise, however, neither acknowledged the trio. Harry shot the other two a look that said "what did you expect?" and went to the breadbox to get some bread for toast. Hermione began to gingerly open cabinets as Petunia stiffened. Fortunately, it didn't take her long to locate oatmeal and she simply took a saucepan from the drainboard.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione ate their toast and oatmeal in silence while Vernon continued to read the paper and Petunia continued to look right through them. It was all the more shocking, therefore, when Vernon exploded upon turning a page in the paper.
"WHAT?" he roared as Petunia, Ron, and Hermione all jumped.
"BLAST IT! BLAST! THIS IS YOUR FAULT BOY!" Vernon spat at Harry gripping the paper hard. Harry looked at him blandly, waiting.
"LOOK AT THIS, LOOK!" He said waving the paper so violently in front of Harry that it was impossible for him to actually see anything in it.
"There is an article in the paper about US, about our home being burgled, and about the two freaks who did it. I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS BOY!" He yelled grabbing Harry's arm and pulling him toward the cupboard under the stairs, "You're not going back to that school, you're being sent to St. Brutus' Secure Centre for Incurably Criminal Boys TODAY! As for your little friends they can deliver a letter to the fool who runs that ruddy school. Say goodbye, children, you won't be seeing one another again!"
Harry had been surprised by Vernon grabbing his arm and so had been pulled off his chair. The larger man was making good progress dragging him to the cupboard when Ron shouted,
'Non pote non sapere qui se stultum intellegit!"
Petunia screamed and covered her head. Vernon froze, a look of genuine fear crossing his face. Hermione's eyes narrowed and a small smile played over her lips.
"Cave quicquam incipias quod paeniteat postea!" she said with a very dangerous edge to her voice, "Mr. Dursley, if you don't let go of your nephew, you'll regret it."
Ron had gotten his wand out and now pointed it at Vernon menacingly, "She's right."
"But, But-" Vernon sputtered, "You can't do magic outside of school!'
"We CAN," Harry said, straightening up, "We're just not SUPPOSED to. Of course, that hardly matters at this point. We're in an awful lot of trouble for sneaking away to look for you so 'In for a penny in for a pound' as they say."
Vernon blanched and slowly released his grip on Harry, who straightened his robes with a wicked grin. "Thanks, Uncle Vernon, Aunt Petunia. I'll see you this summer... if I'm not expelled." With that he turned and led the way out of the house. Ron and Hermione followed pausing just long enough for Hermione to snatch up the newspaper.
Once the front door had closed behind them all three exploded in fits of laughter as they ran down the steps and jogged a little way up the street. They stopped to sit on a stone wall and catch their breath, still laughing.
"What did you two say?" Harry asked, between breaths
Ron grinned, "'Non pote non sapere qui se stultum intellegit!' It's a favorite Latin quote of my Dad's. It means 'A man must have some wit to know he is a fool.'"
Harry laughed, "Brilliant! It certainly scared the pants of them, didn't it?"
Ron looked around Harry at the giggling Hermioine, "What in the world did you say?" he asked.
"'Be careful about starting something you may regret.' It's from Syrus' Maxims. So was yours, Ron."
"Ah, I see, I'll have to note that down," Ron said dryly.
"Thanks, guys, that was terrific." Harry said.
"So what the heck is in this paper, anyway?" Hermione said, smoothing it out on her lap and beginning to page through it. Harry leaned over to look and Ron craned his neck to see past Harry. Several pages in, two photos caught Hermione's eye and she gasped. Harry saw them too and made a little croak that was somewhere between a gasp and a laugh.
Ron craned harder, but couldn't see. "What? What is it? Comeon, you two!" Harry and Hermoine were too busy reading the article under the photos so Ron quickly hopped up and sat down again on Hermione's other side. "Crimeny!" he breathed, a grin spreading across his face. What he saw were two police "mug shots". The criminals pictured were not just any prisoners, however. One shot was of a venomously scowling Snape, the other of a very sour looking Figg.
POLICE SEEK PUBLIC ASSISTANCE IN IDENTIFYING SUSPECTS
The Little Whinging Constables seek the assistance of the public in identifying two suspects arrested Saturday. The suspects, pictured above, were caught in the act of burgling Number Four Privet Drive, the home of Mr. and Mrs. Vernon Dursley while the pair were on holiday in Majorca. The suspects would give police only their names and birth dates. Upon investigation it was discovered that no persons by the names given exist. The police, therefore, hope that someone in the general populace may be able to provide a clue or clues about the criminal's identity. "I am not convinced, they know who they are," admitted a Spokesperson, "Their behavior has been odd, to say the least, and we are hoping someone who is responsible for them might come forward." Any persons with information are asked to telephone the Little Whinging Public Safety Building or present information in person.
"Hallelujah!" Ron cried as he finished reading.
"What?!" Both Harry and Hermione asked at once.
"This is terrific! Don't you get it?"
Harry looked mystified and Hermione scowled and said, "It won't matter where Snape is if we're expelled Ron. Besides, we're going to have to tell someone... even if it's just for Figg."
"No, you don't get it!" Ron said gleefully.
"Clearly." Hermione said dryly.
"Ron, please, try to make some sense. What are you talking about?" Harry asked, impatient.
"Okay, Snape and Figg didn't go back to Hogwarts, they're in jail, right?" Harry and Hermione nodded. "It says they were arrested Saturday. It's Monday now. So that means they couldn't have their wands and no one at Hogwarts knows where they are or they'd have been long gone, right?"
"Yes, right, Ron, but I still don't" Hermione started, but Ron interrupted, excited, "Wait, I'm getting there. So they're stuck in muggle jail and they need rescuing. Well, what if WE did the rescuing?"
"Excuse me?" Hermione asked.
"If we got them out of a jam, then maybe that would make them a little less angry at us back at school. Maybe, then, we might not get expelled, Hermione!" Harry grinned and Hermione's mouth made a little "o".
"Brilliant, Ron, talk about not losing your head in a crisis!" Harry said.
"But," Hermione started, "you know they'd just want us to send an owl and let them know where they are... I mean we could just make it worse, get into more trouble..."
"First off," Harry said, "I don't see any handy post owls."
"And second," Ron said, jumping in, "we've done much more difficult things than spring a couple of people from jail. Hermione it's our only chance of earning a few grace points with Dumbledore."
"I suppose..." Hermione said, trailing off uncertainly. She looked at Harry and Ron whose faces were imploring. "Ah, okay, in for a penny in for a pound it is." Ron gave a little "Whoop!" and Harry grinned.
"Well, then, Ron," Hermione continued, "Do you have a plan?"
"Not yet," Ron admitted, "How do muggles get one another out of jail, anyway?"
"Bond is posted," Harry began, "you know someone gives money or property to guarantee the person will come to court. But we probably don't have enough money and it sounds as if they're not keen on letting them out, anyway. It sounds as if the police think they're a little, well, nutters."
"Hmph." Ron grunted, "Snape IS, but that's beside the point. They want information, couldn't we go in and say they're our parents or something?"
"I think they'd want us to prove it, Ron," said Hermione reasonably, "even if they didn't they think they're nuts so they wouldn't let them out. They'd likely just take us into protective custody or something." She stood up and began to pace a few steps back and forth, thinking aloud.
"No, no, that won't work. Let's see. Ron, you had to be right about the wands or they'd be gone. All they really need to get out is a wand, any wand, right?"
"Right," Harry said, "And we've all got ours... we just need to get one of them to them."
"So we need to be where they are, right?" Ron said, "Where is the muggle jail, anyway?"
"I'm not sure," admitted Harry, "but we couldn't just stroll in and hand them wands, anyway."
"So," asked Hermione, "How do we get in there?"
"Get arrested ourselves?" Ron offered.
"Maybe, maybe," Harry said, "but we'd have to do it without losing our wands and I think they search you when they arrest you."
"But," Hermione interrupted, excited, "they don't actually arrest you for truancy, do they? I mean they just take you in and call your parents or the school or something, right?"
"How the heck do YOU know that, Hermione?" Ron asked, with a touch of sarcasm.
"She's right, Ron! All we have to do is get taken in for being out of school!" Harry looked at his watch, "And we should have been in school an hour ago. So this shouldn't be too hard. We just make sure we goof around a bit where the police can see us, right?"
"No, wait, Harry you can't!" Hermione said, suddenly.
"Why not?"
"Because they'd call the Dursley's wouldn't they?"
"Yeech, lets keep them out of it," said Ron.
"Okay, so what do we do then? Just the two of you?"
"Wait! Yes! It's perfect!" Ron exclaimed, "Hermione and I get taken in for truancy and you follow, keeping yourself hidden, right? Then, once you're sure we're inside you sneak in behind us and cause some sort of big distraction so one of us can nip over to where they've got Snape and Figg and get them a wand!"
Hermione looked impressed, "Ron that's perfect! Except, Harry, you should wait until we've been in there about ten minutes at least so we can figure out where they keep the prisoners."
"Is that enough?" Harry asked.
"Well, any more than that and they'd be asking us our names and I don't think Ron's name would check out."
"Good point," Harry said thoughtfully, "I'll wait ten minutes. But, Ron, if they do get to the point where they want to know your name tell them it's Piers Polkiss."
"Piers Polkiss. Right. Who is that?"
"Just a little git I know... sort of a Crabbe to Dudley's Malfoy."
"Perfect!" pronounced Hermione, "Too bad Malfoy and his cronies are from wizarding families, it would have been fun to give one of their names."
Harry stayed hidden in a small park next to the main shopping area of Little Whinging while Ron and Hermione loudly roamed the streets, littered, jaywalked, and generally made a nuisance of themselves. They kept this up until a police car finally pulled up and two officers got out and made their way over to Ron and Hermione as he tried to help her climb to the top of a post box. Harry grinned and crossed the park, slipping into an alley between two shops. He had looked up the address of the Police station in the telephone directory. Unless he missed his guess he could take a shortcut and get there very soon after Ron and Hermione.
He was right. His route was far more direct than the one the police car was forced to take. What's more, the car must have traveled very slowly. When Harry
came within sight of the station, the officers were just escorting Ron and Hermione through the front doors of the ugly, squat building that served as Little
Whinging's "Public Safety and Legal Centre". Harry looked at his watch. Ten minutes to go.
