The coffee shop was completely empty except for the two of them. He sat and smoked while he watched her wolf down a huge piece of apple pie and a giant glass of milk. He politely ignored the sounds of her eating and looked around the vacant restaurant. It was an exact match of the old 50's style cafe out on the highway just outside of town. It'd been torn down a few years ago, but he still had fond memories of going there with Willow and Jesse. He stubbed his cigarette out into the ashtray on the table and immediately lit up another one.
"You know that's a real filthy habit," she said in-between bites.
"So is talking with your mouth full," he countered.
She snorted and stuck out her food-covered tongue at him before taking a big swig of her milk.
"Well my habit won't kill me," she said.
"It will if you don't slow down, you're going to choke to death one of these days."
"Uh huh," she said taking another bite. "Yum."
He exhaled slowly, mocking her sense of enjoyment over her pie.
"Mmm," he laughed. "All that nicotiney goodness."
"Yeah whatever Denis Leary," she said rolling her eyes. She finished the last bite and looked to him seriously. "I heard you made good with the slayer," she said. "Nice to see you finally listening to me."
"R-right," he replied. "Listens to advice guy, that's me."
"I know you didn't follow it the way I told you to, but the end result was the same and that's all that matters."
"I guess."
"Hey, you two aren't at each other's throats anymore. That's a good thing in my book."
He moved his hand across the table to link his fingers with hers. He frowned slightly when her hand shied away and she lowered her head. He stubbed out his cigarette and waited until she looked at him again.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"You're going to have to stop doing that soon," she said.
"What? Why?"
She looked up at him sadly and the urge to grab her hand ran through him, but when he reached for it again she still withdrew.
"Faith," he said gently. "What's going on?"
"You can't keep doing this Xander," she said.
"What?"
"This," she said grabbing his hand. "And this." She waved her hands around the room. "And me." She pointed at herself. "You know this isn't real Xander. You know I'm not really here."
"But..."
"No, listen to me. This is all a part of you. These dreams you have and the love you still feel for me. It's all inside of your head. You are creating these moments between us. I mean I've never seen this Cafe, it was gone long before I got to town so what am I doing here? And this," she said pointing at their entwined hands. "Why do you keep torturing yourself like this?"
"Why..." he began but looked away. "Why are you saying this?"
"See that's exactly my point Xand," she said softly. "I'm not saying all these things. You are. What you see before you is nothing but a figment of your own mind. I'm just a part of you, so you must be saying to yourself that you don't want to go through this anymore."
"Bullshit," he said. "If that was true why would I have even bothered making all of it in the first place huh?"
"Grief," she said softly. "You still miss me terribly Xander. You know that. Otherwise I wouldn't even be here but... I guess there's a bigger part of you that wants it to end."
"I don't believe that," he said weakly.
"You do," she said leaning over the table to kiss his forehead. "Because if you didn't you would have kissed me right now wouldn't you?"
He nodded numbly and turned his head to the window. "I don't want to lose you," he said.
"You already have Xander," she replied. "I'm dead and buried."
"I know."
"Do you?"
He nodded again. "I just didn't want to..."
"I have to go," she said.
"Please don't."
She smiled sadly and leaned over to kiss him briefly on the lips. He reached his arms around her neck and kept her there, deepening the kiss. She returned it for a moment but moved his arms off of her and stood up.
"I have to go," she said again. "Good-bye."
He watched as she walked toward the door. He oddly felt no urge to chase after her though his body was edging toward the end of the table. He heard the bells on the door jingle and knew she was gone. He screamed and picked up a chair that sat upside down on the counter. He smashed it against the floor and grabbed another one and threw it through one of the windows. It didn't matter. The cafe was torn down years ago.
***
He awoke to feel Willow's hand gently shaking his shoulder. He jumped straight out of his chair and she leaped back, a startled squeak escaping her lips. He looked around the library confused for a minute before realizing where he was.
"Are you okay?" Willow asked concerned.
"I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
"I said I was didn't I?"
"Well, you were saying Faith's name a lot," she said. "I thought you were having another nightmare."
"That's not what it was," he said softly. "Is it time to patrol yet?"
"The sun just set," she informed him.
"Good, where's Buffy and Giles?"
"Buffy went to the bathroom; she should be back any second now. And Giles is in his office."
Xander looked through the window across the counter and saw the Englishman inside. He looked back to Willow who was still looking concerned and he tried to smile but his lips felt weird moving that way. Instead he shrugged.
"Are we Lothos hunting?" He asked.
"That's part of the agenda," she said. "Someone called while you were asleep and reported some Bat demon activity in the woods. So you're also hunting for them."
"Bat demons," Xander muttered. "Grand."
Buffy walked in then and looked surprised to see him up. She walked over to the book cage and reached into the weapons cabinet grabbing a sword for herself. Xander walked over and grabbed his own sword as well as a few stakes just to be safe. She also grabbed a small lantern and a backpack.
"Bat demon duty," she said inspecting the sharpness of the blade. "Should we bring earplugs and garbage bags?"
"Earplugs and garbage bags?" Willow asked.
"Earplugs for the sonar," Xander filled in. "And garbage bags because they tend to splatter."
"It's hell on the dry cleaning," Buffy said.
Both Xander and Willow looked at her, brows raised slightly.
"What?" She said gruffly. "I can't have a sense of humor?"
Xander raised his hands in surrender and inspected his own sword. It was sharp and freshly oiled, just waiting to go. He grabbed a scabbard to keep it in and strapped it to his back. Giles came out of his office and filled them in on a little bit more information about the demons. They could see very well in the dark, Giles warned, and they could fly. They did reside in caves and it was probably the best place to start looking. He wished them both happy hunting and they both left the library side by side.
"Bat demons," she muttered when they got outside. "Just what I wanted to see again."
"Dealt with them before have you?" He questioned.
"Haven't you?"
"Yeah."
"Then you know what I mean."
***
"Remind me again why we're doing this," Xander requested as he walked around the front of the cave.
"Because we're the good guys?" Buffy offered. "Got to rid these demons that scourge the earth."
Xander lifted his flashlight and aimed it into the cave's mouth. The small beam of light offered nothing extremely helpful. He saw nothing but darkness. He unsheathed his sword and looked to Buffy who had done the same. He took a hesitant step into the cave and Buffy followed quickly behind him.
"Is now a bad time to mention that I hate dark enclosed spaces?" He asked.
"You could have said something before," she muttered. "You're not going to freak out on me or anything are you?"
"I promise nothing."
They moved slowly, letting their flashlights sweep as much of the cave as they could before stepping forward. Thousand's of bats hung from the ceiling and both hoped they would do nothing to piss them off. They weren't sure how far the cave descended into the earth and had little idea how far they'd already gone. The squeaking of the bats grew louder as they moved forward and both didn't bother to shine the lights on the ceiling again. A few minutes later Xander's boot squished into a big pile on the floor and he swore quietly.
"They're close," he whispered.
"How can you tell?" She asked.
"Because the pile of guano I just stepped in was way to big for normal sized flying rodents to produce."
"Yuck," she muttered. "Okay, I'm going to take the lantern out now."
"Good."
Buffy kneeled down and whipped the backpack from around her shoulders. She removed the small electric lantern from the bag and flipped the switch. Light filled the cave instantly and they now faced an entire pack of Bat Demons snarling at the intrusion.
"Bad," Xander said jumping back into a fighting stance. "Start hacking!"
Buffy leap to her feet and swung her sword swiftly around her head and sliced through the closest demon's arm. It squealed a high pitched wail that nearly made her ears bleed. She finished it off by ramming the sword through its chest. She looked over to Xander who was standing far too close to more than one adversary. He swung at one swiftly, the blade of his weapon slicing through its chest. He jumped at the next one and viciously bashed it in the nose with his elbow. He swung his sword around to cut through the third Bat's leg. She turned to kick a demon that had advanced on her and quickly shoved the hilt of her blade into it. She nearly jumped when Xander roared a battle cry and leaped into another pile of demons.
"Xander!" She yelled. "What the hell are you doing?"
If he heard her he made no notion of it. He swung his sword around, violently punching and kicking anything near him. She balked for a second before rushing into the fray. She'd never seen him act so savagely. He cried out again, leaping high in the air. She tackled two more demons and make quick work of them. She turned back to Xander but could only make out his outline in the weak light. He was fighting way to intently, putting too much of himself out there. She ran closer, sticking her sword into some still squirming vermin leftover on the floor.
"Xander!" She shouted again.
He turned to look at her and what stared back made her stop dead in her tracks. His teeth were snarled into a malicious grin as the Bat Demon swung its claws across his chest. He buckled to his knees, one hand grabbing at the wound. He growled at the demon but didn't make another move to retaliate. Buffy threw herself at the last demon, her sword arched high over her head, and brought down a brutal blow on the back of its neck. Its head came clean off. Xander laughed humorlessly and jabbed his sword into the ground and used it to pull himself to his feet. His hand still clung to his chest, but Buffy could tell in the soft glow of the lantern that there wasn't much blood.
"I'd say we got them all," he said as he stood next to her.
She took a step back, staring at him intently. He glanced to her with brows raised but she didn't answer his wordless question. She sheathed her sword and slowly moved toward the lantern tipped over on the ground. After a moment he followed. As they walked out of the cave she resisted the urge to yell at him for fear that she'd send all the bats on the ceiling into a frenzy. Once they reached the edge of the cave she let her anger show.
"What the fuck was that?" She yelled.
"What was what?" He asked, moderately confused.
"That!" She screamed pointing her fingers to the scratches on his chest where the demon struck.
He winced in pain and leaned forward slightly. She paced around him waiting for his response only getting madder when he didn't.
"That was some fight in there Xander," she said bitterly. "What did you think you were doing huh? Ridding the entire world of evil with one pack of Bat Demons? Why the hell were you fighting so hard? Why the hell did you let that thing cut you? Why..." Her anger faded slightly with the realization. "You were going to let it hurt you." She said, the words making more sense as they poured out. "You weren't going to fight back were you? You were..."
He stood up gradually, throwing the sword to the ground and turning his back on her.
"You were going to let that thing kill you," she said.
He spun to face her, the anger evident in his eyes, but the rest of his body looking defeated. She stood there, staring at him intently.
"Why'd you try to kill yourself Xander?" She asked, immediately regretting the words as they left her lips.
He stared a hole through her head; he glared at her so hard. It had been a silent agreement since the day she'd first seen the scars. She would not ask, and he would not tell. He turned away from her and she thought he was going to walk away. Instead he spoke.
"I looked up to her so much," he said softly. "She didn't act like a hero; just did her job night after night. I watched her face death so many times..."
He didn't need to say whom. Buffy knew any "she" or "her" reference he made when they were poking fun at other people was to Faith. He turned back to look at her and she was waiting patiently for him to continue.
"My life was shit before she came here. Hell it still is shit, but it seemed so much worse then. My home life sucked, a lot of my friends died "mysterious deaths", and I was going nowhere in school. And then I meet this girl." He paused, looking up at the star filled sky briefly. "She was so different from anyone I'd ever known. She was tough as nails on her own; she made that very clear, but also had this amazing gift to help all of human kind. She was the slayer. I got so lost in this crazy world where everything you ever feared was under your bed turned out to be real. I let myself get completely absorbed in it, in her. I was there even when she didn't want me to be. She was my hero, and I loved her madly. And the beautiful thing, after a long while and much to my shock, was that she loved me back. This single girl in all the world loved me back. She was my entire life." He paused again. "I dream about her all the time and it's like she isn't gone. But I know she is." A few tears slipped from his eyes and he rolled up his sleeves, exposing the scars to Buffy. "When she died... I wanted to join her." He looked at her sadly. "So I tried."
He took a few deep breaths, trying to control the outpour of emotion coursing through him.
"Giles found me; I don't know how he knew. But he took me to the hospital, got me fixed up. Set me up with a counselor to help me through. So I'm still here, I'm still fighting."
She had moved a little closer to him as he talked; she didn't know what possessed her to. Her body moved without her mind thinking about it. Her hand reached out, but he didn't look at it. He continued talking.
"You ask me why I fight?" He asked. "In the beginning I fought for her. She's gone. And now..."
He looked at her, not caring about the tears in his eyes.
"I fight because I want to die."
"You know that's a real filthy habit," she said in-between bites.
"So is talking with your mouth full," he countered.
She snorted and stuck out her food-covered tongue at him before taking a big swig of her milk.
"Well my habit won't kill me," she said.
"It will if you don't slow down, you're going to choke to death one of these days."
"Uh huh," she said taking another bite. "Yum."
He exhaled slowly, mocking her sense of enjoyment over her pie.
"Mmm," he laughed. "All that nicotiney goodness."
"Yeah whatever Denis Leary," she said rolling her eyes. She finished the last bite and looked to him seriously. "I heard you made good with the slayer," she said. "Nice to see you finally listening to me."
"R-right," he replied. "Listens to advice guy, that's me."
"I know you didn't follow it the way I told you to, but the end result was the same and that's all that matters."
"I guess."
"Hey, you two aren't at each other's throats anymore. That's a good thing in my book."
He moved his hand across the table to link his fingers with hers. He frowned slightly when her hand shied away and she lowered her head. He stubbed out his cigarette and waited until she looked at him again.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"You're going to have to stop doing that soon," she said.
"What? Why?"
She looked up at him sadly and the urge to grab her hand ran through him, but when he reached for it again she still withdrew.
"Faith," he said gently. "What's going on?"
"You can't keep doing this Xander," she said.
"What?"
"This," she said grabbing his hand. "And this." She waved her hands around the room. "And me." She pointed at herself. "You know this isn't real Xander. You know I'm not really here."
"But..."
"No, listen to me. This is all a part of you. These dreams you have and the love you still feel for me. It's all inside of your head. You are creating these moments between us. I mean I've never seen this Cafe, it was gone long before I got to town so what am I doing here? And this," she said pointing at their entwined hands. "Why do you keep torturing yourself like this?"
"Why..." he began but looked away. "Why are you saying this?"
"See that's exactly my point Xand," she said softly. "I'm not saying all these things. You are. What you see before you is nothing but a figment of your own mind. I'm just a part of you, so you must be saying to yourself that you don't want to go through this anymore."
"Bullshit," he said. "If that was true why would I have even bothered making all of it in the first place huh?"
"Grief," she said softly. "You still miss me terribly Xander. You know that. Otherwise I wouldn't even be here but... I guess there's a bigger part of you that wants it to end."
"I don't believe that," he said weakly.
"You do," she said leaning over the table to kiss his forehead. "Because if you didn't you would have kissed me right now wouldn't you?"
He nodded numbly and turned his head to the window. "I don't want to lose you," he said.
"You already have Xander," she replied. "I'm dead and buried."
"I know."
"Do you?"
He nodded again. "I just didn't want to..."
"I have to go," she said.
"Please don't."
She smiled sadly and leaned over to kiss him briefly on the lips. He reached his arms around her neck and kept her there, deepening the kiss. She returned it for a moment but moved his arms off of her and stood up.
"I have to go," she said again. "Good-bye."
He watched as she walked toward the door. He oddly felt no urge to chase after her though his body was edging toward the end of the table. He heard the bells on the door jingle and knew she was gone. He screamed and picked up a chair that sat upside down on the counter. He smashed it against the floor and grabbed another one and threw it through one of the windows. It didn't matter. The cafe was torn down years ago.
***
He awoke to feel Willow's hand gently shaking his shoulder. He jumped straight out of his chair and she leaped back, a startled squeak escaping her lips. He looked around the library confused for a minute before realizing where he was.
"Are you okay?" Willow asked concerned.
"I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
"I said I was didn't I?"
"Well, you were saying Faith's name a lot," she said. "I thought you were having another nightmare."
"That's not what it was," he said softly. "Is it time to patrol yet?"
"The sun just set," she informed him.
"Good, where's Buffy and Giles?"
"Buffy went to the bathroom; she should be back any second now. And Giles is in his office."
Xander looked through the window across the counter and saw the Englishman inside. He looked back to Willow who was still looking concerned and he tried to smile but his lips felt weird moving that way. Instead he shrugged.
"Are we Lothos hunting?" He asked.
"That's part of the agenda," she said. "Someone called while you were asleep and reported some Bat demon activity in the woods. So you're also hunting for them."
"Bat demons," Xander muttered. "Grand."
Buffy walked in then and looked surprised to see him up. She walked over to the book cage and reached into the weapons cabinet grabbing a sword for herself. Xander walked over and grabbed his own sword as well as a few stakes just to be safe. She also grabbed a small lantern and a backpack.
"Bat demon duty," she said inspecting the sharpness of the blade. "Should we bring earplugs and garbage bags?"
"Earplugs and garbage bags?" Willow asked.
"Earplugs for the sonar," Xander filled in. "And garbage bags because they tend to splatter."
"It's hell on the dry cleaning," Buffy said.
Both Xander and Willow looked at her, brows raised slightly.
"What?" She said gruffly. "I can't have a sense of humor?"
Xander raised his hands in surrender and inspected his own sword. It was sharp and freshly oiled, just waiting to go. He grabbed a scabbard to keep it in and strapped it to his back. Giles came out of his office and filled them in on a little bit more information about the demons. They could see very well in the dark, Giles warned, and they could fly. They did reside in caves and it was probably the best place to start looking. He wished them both happy hunting and they both left the library side by side.
"Bat demons," she muttered when they got outside. "Just what I wanted to see again."
"Dealt with them before have you?" He questioned.
"Haven't you?"
"Yeah."
"Then you know what I mean."
***
"Remind me again why we're doing this," Xander requested as he walked around the front of the cave.
"Because we're the good guys?" Buffy offered. "Got to rid these demons that scourge the earth."
Xander lifted his flashlight and aimed it into the cave's mouth. The small beam of light offered nothing extremely helpful. He saw nothing but darkness. He unsheathed his sword and looked to Buffy who had done the same. He took a hesitant step into the cave and Buffy followed quickly behind him.
"Is now a bad time to mention that I hate dark enclosed spaces?" He asked.
"You could have said something before," she muttered. "You're not going to freak out on me or anything are you?"
"I promise nothing."
They moved slowly, letting their flashlights sweep as much of the cave as they could before stepping forward. Thousand's of bats hung from the ceiling and both hoped they would do nothing to piss them off. They weren't sure how far the cave descended into the earth and had little idea how far they'd already gone. The squeaking of the bats grew louder as they moved forward and both didn't bother to shine the lights on the ceiling again. A few minutes later Xander's boot squished into a big pile on the floor and he swore quietly.
"They're close," he whispered.
"How can you tell?" She asked.
"Because the pile of guano I just stepped in was way to big for normal sized flying rodents to produce."
"Yuck," she muttered. "Okay, I'm going to take the lantern out now."
"Good."
Buffy kneeled down and whipped the backpack from around her shoulders. She removed the small electric lantern from the bag and flipped the switch. Light filled the cave instantly and they now faced an entire pack of Bat Demons snarling at the intrusion.
"Bad," Xander said jumping back into a fighting stance. "Start hacking!"
Buffy leap to her feet and swung her sword swiftly around her head and sliced through the closest demon's arm. It squealed a high pitched wail that nearly made her ears bleed. She finished it off by ramming the sword through its chest. She looked over to Xander who was standing far too close to more than one adversary. He swung at one swiftly, the blade of his weapon slicing through its chest. He jumped at the next one and viciously bashed it in the nose with his elbow. He swung his sword around to cut through the third Bat's leg. She turned to kick a demon that had advanced on her and quickly shoved the hilt of her blade into it. She nearly jumped when Xander roared a battle cry and leaped into another pile of demons.
"Xander!" She yelled. "What the hell are you doing?"
If he heard her he made no notion of it. He swung his sword around, violently punching and kicking anything near him. She balked for a second before rushing into the fray. She'd never seen him act so savagely. He cried out again, leaping high in the air. She tackled two more demons and make quick work of them. She turned back to Xander but could only make out his outline in the weak light. He was fighting way to intently, putting too much of himself out there. She ran closer, sticking her sword into some still squirming vermin leftover on the floor.
"Xander!" She shouted again.
He turned to look at her and what stared back made her stop dead in her tracks. His teeth were snarled into a malicious grin as the Bat Demon swung its claws across his chest. He buckled to his knees, one hand grabbing at the wound. He growled at the demon but didn't make another move to retaliate. Buffy threw herself at the last demon, her sword arched high over her head, and brought down a brutal blow on the back of its neck. Its head came clean off. Xander laughed humorlessly and jabbed his sword into the ground and used it to pull himself to his feet. His hand still clung to his chest, but Buffy could tell in the soft glow of the lantern that there wasn't much blood.
"I'd say we got them all," he said as he stood next to her.
She took a step back, staring at him intently. He glanced to her with brows raised but she didn't answer his wordless question. She sheathed her sword and slowly moved toward the lantern tipped over on the ground. After a moment he followed. As they walked out of the cave she resisted the urge to yell at him for fear that she'd send all the bats on the ceiling into a frenzy. Once they reached the edge of the cave she let her anger show.
"What the fuck was that?" She yelled.
"What was what?" He asked, moderately confused.
"That!" She screamed pointing her fingers to the scratches on his chest where the demon struck.
He winced in pain and leaned forward slightly. She paced around him waiting for his response only getting madder when he didn't.
"That was some fight in there Xander," she said bitterly. "What did you think you were doing huh? Ridding the entire world of evil with one pack of Bat Demons? Why the hell were you fighting so hard? Why the hell did you let that thing cut you? Why..." Her anger faded slightly with the realization. "You were going to let it hurt you." She said, the words making more sense as they poured out. "You weren't going to fight back were you? You were..."
He stood up gradually, throwing the sword to the ground and turning his back on her.
"You were going to let that thing kill you," she said.
He spun to face her, the anger evident in his eyes, but the rest of his body looking defeated. She stood there, staring at him intently.
"Why'd you try to kill yourself Xander?" She asked, immediately regretting the words as they left her lips.
He stared a hole through her head; he glared at her so hard. It had been a silent agreement since the day she'd first seen the scars. She would not ask, and he would not tell. He turned away from her and she thought he was going to walk away. Instead he spoke.
"I looked up to her so much," he said softly. "She didn't act like a hero; just did her job night after night. I watched her face death so many times..."
He didn't need to say whom. Buffy knew any "she" or "her" reference he made when they were poking fun at other people was to Faith. He turned back to look at her and she was waiting patiently for him to continue.
"My life was shit before she came here. Hell it still is shit, but it seemed so much worse then. My home life sucked, a lot of my friends died "mysterious deaths", and I was going nowhere in school. And then I meet this girl." He paused, looking up at the star filled sky briefly. "She was so different from anyone I'd ever known. She was tough as nails on her own; she made that very clear, but also had this amazing gift to help all of human kind. She was the slayer. I got so lost in this crazy world where everything you ever feared was under your bed turned out to be real. I let myself get completely absorbed in it, in her. I was there even when she didn't want me to be. She was my hero, and I loved her madly. And the beautiful thing, after a long while and much to my shock, was that she loved me back. This single girl in all the world loved me back. She was my entire life." He paused again. "I dream about her all the time and it's like she isn't gone. But I know she is." A few tears slipped from his eyes and he rolled up his sleeves, exposing the scars to Buffy. "When she died... I wanted to join her." He looked at her sadly. "So I tried."
He took a few deep breaths, trying to control the outpour of emotion coursing through him.
"Giles found me; I don't know how he knew. But he took me to the hospital, got me fixed up. Set me up with a counselor to help me through. So I'm still here, I'm still fighting."
She had moved a little closer to him as he talked; she didn't know what possessed her to. Her body moved without her mind thinking about it. Her hand reached out, but he didn't look at it. He continued talking.
"You ask me why I fight?" He asked. "In the beginning I fought for her. She's gone. And now..."
He looked at her, not caring about the tears in his eyes.
"I fight because I want to die."
