Chapter Five
WWF?
The journey already had taken too long for Shrek, and Donkey had talked all the way. And they even had to stop and ask for directions from some man with a long beard and pointed hat. Soon the two were walking through a field of Sun Flowers, and then entered what appeared to be a place for people to park their carts.
"Ah 'n there it is! Duloc, told you I'd find it!" Donkey exclaimed happily.
Shrek looked up at the very tall castle and raised an eyebrow.
"Do ya think he's confiscatin' fer somethin?" he asked to Donkey, and he chuckled to himself. Donkey's response was a blank stare.
"Never mind." Shrek groaned, and walked past a sign indicating "You are parked in Lancelot".
"Hey, hey wait up Shrek!" Donkey galloped after Shrek as the two approached a man who had a fake head of Farquaard over his own.
"Excuse me? Hey!" Shrek called out to the man, but the man screamed, well who wouldn't seeing an ogre that just appeared out of nowhere? The man began running through the maze-like walkway made for people to enter Duloc, screaming all the while.
"Hey no, wait! I'm not gonna eat ya, I wanna-" Shrek stopped, it was like talking to a brick wall. He gave up and walked right through the walkway, dragging the stands and rope. The man eventually crashed into the entrance, his fake head was too big for him to enter.
Shrek and Donkey stared down at the man, then glanced at each other. Shrek rolled his eyes and headed through the entrance gate, it had a rotating object making only one person get through at once. Him being so fat, he had to go in through sideways.
Course Donkey got somewhat stuck, and eventually got through. The two walked up to a grassy square, made to look like Farquaard's face. All around, the small city was painted blue, and everything looked the same. But it was quiet.
"It's quiet..." Shrek mumbled as he looked at a shop called 'Le Old Souvenir Shoppe' filled with Farquaard dolls. "Too quiet."
Donkey then spotted a white and blue booth labelled 'Information'.
"Hey lookit this!" he declared, and galloped up to it and pulled on a lever with his mouth. The booth began to make a ticking sound, and Donkey retreated behind Shrek. The ticking quickened, then the booth opened to reveal little wooden people!
Boys and girls, to the left was a jail with little boys in the jury and a judge, even a little person in jail! And they all sang, while a surprised Donkey and Shrek watched on.
"Welcome to Duloc, Such a perfect town! Here we have some rules, Let us lay them down! Don't make waves, Stay in line, And we'll all get on fine, Duloc is the perfect place! Please keep off of the grass, Shine your shoes, Wipe your... face! Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is the perfect place!"
The doors slammed a quickly as the opened, and there was a sudden flash. From the booth came a small picture, it shown Shrek and Donkey with quite disturbed and puzzled faces. Written beneath read 'Welcome to Duloc'.
There was a pause.
"Wooowwww... Let's do that again!!" Donkey galloped to the lever, to pull it again.
"No no Donkey no!" Shrek grabbed Donkey's tail and yanked him back to him. "No."
Then they heard in the distance came the trumpeting of trumpets, then a voice rang out,
"People of Duloc..."
Shrek and Donkey headed off to where the sound was coming from, Donkey now humming the 'Welcome to Duloc' song to himself happily. Shrek stopped and pointed at him.
"Right your goin' the right way for a smacked bottom." He said sharply.
"Sorry about that." Donkey said, hanging his head.
The two then entered the arena. The entire town had been gathered there, while their Lord Farquaard, was speaking to them. In the arena there was a square fence-like apparatus, where two horses were stood. Near by there was two huge barrels and a table with mugs next to that.
But in the dead centre was at least a dozen knights in shining armour, listening to their Lord.
"Whoever wins, has the honour, no no, the privilege! Of going to rescue the fair and beautiful Princess Fiona. But if the winner is unsuccessful, the runner up will take his place... and so on and so forth. Some of you may die-" at that, a few moans were heard, "but it is a sacrifice I am willing to make."
At that the entire arena burst into applause, the one reason being there was a man stood there with a big cue card reading 'APPLAUSE'. Shrek had heard enough, and walked up through the knights, who stepped back in fear to see an ugly green ogre amongst them, that and a donkey.
There were shocked voices from the crowds and so forth and so on, and Farquaard raised his eye brows.
"Urgh, what is that? Ewuw... it's hideous!" he declared. Shrek blinked as his ears raised.
"Aw that's not very nice." He then glanced at Donkey who was stood behind him, then turned to Farquaard again. "It's only a donkey." He added.
"What?" Donkey said to himself.
"Indeed..." Farquaard then was struck with a rare flash of inspiration! "Knights! New plan! The one who kills the Ogre, will be named Champion!"
This got a big response from everyone in the arena! Shrek looked shocked, Donkey looked terrified, the crowd gave out mixed emotions and the Knights turned on Shrek, swords and lances held up to him as he backed away quickly.
"Hey! Hang on a minute now!" Shrek declared, he would at least try to make peace before he'd do anything rash ional, but then he ran out of retreating room, since he bumped into one of the tables. He grabbed a mug and turned to the Knights,
"Can't we settle this over a pint?" he asked, the only response was the Knights getting closer, and a villager calling out,
"Kill the beast!"
"No?" Shrek asked, since he got no response. Donkey made the best move and ran out of harms way as quickly as he could as Shrek then downed the remaining contents of the mug.
"All right then, COME ON!" Shrek then turned sharply and slapped the mug into the large barrel's tap, and bear burst through knocking all the Knights over due to the mud now on the ground, and the sheer force of the mud. From them on, chaos ruled.
Shrek ran through the Knights, and grabbed a staff and using that knocked a few Knights to their feet.
Meanwhile Donkey had ended up on top of one of the large barrels, and due to his weight it shifted and rolled along on the ground, him on top, squashing a good number of Knights in his path.
While this happened Shrek had leaped into the pen, and the two horses left quickly. He then threw all his weight into one side, and flew back as two Knights entered, and using his fists and the force he was travelling at, knocked them out cold with one thump.
Knight after Knight ended, one ended up having Shrek leap on him from one of the wooden stilts holding the pen together; another was body slammed; another got knocked out by Donkey head-butting him; one got a chair slammed onto his head.
Pretty soon all the Knights were defeated, and the only standing person in the fighting ring was Shrek, oh and Donkey. He left the pen and waved to the now cheering crowd. He pulled some mean poses, and waved happily again.
"Thank you very much! I'm here 'till Thursday! Try the veal!" he laughed heartily, never had so many people liked him and he actually enjoyed himself doing what he loved most! Suddenly everything went quiet and he soon noticed there were guardsman all around the arena, an all their slingshot arrows were pointed directly at him and Donkey.
"Shall I give the order, Sir?" the Captain of the Guards asked Lord Farquaard.
"No..." Farquaard replied as he looked the hideous beast over. He raised his arms suddenly. "People of Duloc, I give you, your champion!"
The applause came again, louder then before and more happy and bright, while Shrek just looked at a loss, so did Donkey in fact.
"What?" Shrek asked, completely astonished.
"Well done Ogre, you are now to embark on a noble quest." Farquaard explained happily. Shrek frowned.
"Nobel quest? I'm already on a quest! A quest to get my swamp back!" Shrek declared.
"Your swamp?" Farquaard asked, as if Shrek had made an awful stink.
"Yes, MY swamp. Where YOU dumped all those fairy tale creatures!" Shrek accused, pointing at the Lord.
"I see. Tell you what Ogre, here's the deal. You go on this quest, and then you'll get your swamp back." Farquaard thought fast, seemed these flashes of inspiration kept coming.
"Exactly the way it was?" Shrek asked,
"Down to the last slime covered toadstool." Farquaard added.
"And the squatters?" Shrek wanted them to be gone as well.
"As good as gone!" Farquaard exclaimed.
Shrek looked at the guardsmen, then at Donkey, then at Farquaard.
"...what kind of quest?" he asked.
The journey already had taken too long for Shrek, and Donkey had talked all the way. And they even had to stop and ask for directions from some man with a long beard and pointed hat. Soon the two were walking through a field of Sun Flowers, and then entered what appeared to be a place for people to park their carts.
"Ah 'n there it is! Duloc, told you I'd find it!" Donkey exclaimed happily.
Shrek looked up at the very tall castle and raised an eyebrow.
"Do ya think he's confiscatin' fer somethin?" he asked to Donkey, and he chuckled to himself. Donkey's response was a blank stare.
"Never mind." Shrek groaned, and walked past a sign indicating "You are parked in Lancelot".
"Hey, hey wait up Shrek!" Donkey galloped after Shrek as the two approached a man who had a fake head of Farquaard over his own.
"Excuse me? Hey!" Shrek called out to the man, but the man screamed, well who wouldn't seeing an ogre that just appeared out of nowhere? The man began running through the maze-like walkway made for people to enter Duloc, screaming all the while.
"Hey no, wait! I'm not gonna eat ya, I wanna-" Shrek stopped, it was like talking to a brick wall. He gave up and walked right through the walkway, dragging the stands and rope. The man eventually crashed into the entrance, his fake head was too big for him to enter.
Shrek and Donkey stared down at the man, then glanced at each other. Shrek rolled his eyes and headed through the entrance gate, it had a rotating object making only one person get through at once. Him being so fat, he had to go in through sideways.
Course Donkey got somewhat stuck, and eventually got through. The two walked up to a grassy square, made to look like Farquaard's face. All around, the small city was painted blue, and everything looked the same. But it was quiet.
"It's quiet..." Shrek mumbled as he looked at a shop called 'Le Old Souvenir Shoppe' filled with Farquaard dolls. "Too quiet."
Donkey then spotted a white and blue booth labelled 'Information'.
"Hey lookit this!" he declared, and galloped up to it and pulled on a lever with his mouth. The booth began to make a ticking sound, and Donkey retreated behind Shrek. The ticking quickened, then the booth opened to reveal little wooden people!
Boys and girls, to the left was a jail with little boys in the jury and a judge, even a little person in jail! And they all sang, while a surprised Donkey and Shrek watched on.
"Welcome to Duloc, Such a perfect town! Here we have some rules, Let us lay them down! Don't make waves, Stay in line, And we'll all get on fine, Duloc is the perfect place! Please keep off of the grass, Shine your shoes, Wipe your... face! Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is the perfect place!"
The doors slammed a quickly as the opened, and there was a sudden flash. From the booth came a small picture, it shown Shrek and Donkey with quite disturbed and puzzled faces. Written beneath read 'Welcome to Duloc'.
There was a pause.
"Wooowwww... Let's do that again!!" Donkey galloped to the lever, to pull it again.
"No no Donkey no!" Shrek grabbed Donkey's tail and yanked him back to him. "No."
Then they heard in the distance came the trumpeting of trumpets, then a voice rang out,
"People of Duloc..."
Shrek and Donkey headed off to where the sound was coming from, Donkey now humming the 'Welcome to Duloc' song to himself happily. Shrek stopped and pointed at him.
"Right your goin' the right way for a smacked bottom." He said sharply.
"Sorry about that." Donkey said, hanging his head.
The two then entered the arena. The entire town had been gathered there, while their Lord Farquaard, was speaking to them. In the arena there was a square fence-like apparatus, where two horses were stood. Near by there was two huge barrels and a table with mugs next to that.
But in the dead centre was at least a dozen knights in shining armour, listening to their Lord.
"Whoever wins, has the honour, no no, the privilege! Of going to rescue the fair and beautiful Princess Fiona. But if the winner is unsuccessful, the runner up will take his place... and so on and so forth. Some of you may die-" at that, a few moans were heard, "but it is a sacrifice I am willing to make."
At that the entire arena burst into applause, the one reason being there was a man stood there with a big cue card reading 'APPLAUSE'. Shrek had heard enough, and walked up through the knights, who stepped back in fear to see an ugly green ogre amongst them, that and a donkey.
There were shocked voices from the crowds and so forth and so on, and Farquaard raised his eye brows.
"Urgh, what is that? Ewuw... it's hideous!" he declared. Shrek blinked as his ears raised.
"Aw that's not very nice." He then glanced at Donkey who was stood behind him, then turned to Farquaard again. "It's only a donkey." He added.
"What?" Donkey said to himself.
"Indeed..." Farquaard then was struck with a rare flash of inspiration! "Knights! New plan! The one who kills the Ogre, will be named Champion!"
This got a big response from everyone in the arena! Shrek looked shocked, Donkey looked terrified, the crowd gave out mixed emotions and the Knights turned on Shrek, swords and lances held up to him as he backed away quickly.
"Hey! Hang on a minute now!" Shrek declared, he would at least try to make peace before he'd do anything rash ional, but then he ran out of retreating room, since he bumped into one of the tables. He grabbed a mug and turned to the Knights,
"Can't we settle this over a pint?" he asked, the only response was the Knights getting closer, and a villager calling out,
"Kill the beast!"
"No?" Shrek asked, since he got no response. Donkey made the best move and ran out of harms way as quickly as he could as Shrek then downed the remaining contents of the mug.
"All right then, COME ON!" Shrek then turned sharply and slapped the mug into the large barrel's tap, and bear burst through knocking all the Knights over due to the mud now on the ground, and the sheer force of the mud. From them on, chaos ruled.
Shrek ran through the Knights, and grabbed a staff and using that knocked a few Knights to their feet.
Meanwhile Donkey had ended up on top of one of the large barrels, and due to his weight it shifted and rolled along on the ground, him on top, squashing a good number of Knights in his path.
While this happened Shrek had leaped into the pen, and the two horses left quickly. He then threw all his weight into one side, and flew back as two Knights entered, and using his fists and the force he was travelling at, knocked them out cold with one thump.
Knight after Knight ended, one ended up having Shrek leap on him from one of the wooden stilts holding the pen together; another was body slammed; another got knocked out by Donkey head-butting him; one got a chair slammed onto his head.
Pretty soon all the Knights were defeated, and the only standing person in the fighting ring was Shrek, oh and Donkey. He left the pen and waved to the now cheering crowd. He pulled some mean poses, and waved happily again.
"Thank you very much! I'm here 'till Thursday! Try the veal!" he laughed heartily, never had so many people liked him and he actually enjoyed himself doing what he loved most! Suddenly everything went quiet and he soon noticed there were guardsman all around the arena, an all their slingshot arrows were pointed directly at him and Donkey.
"Shall I give the order, Sir?" the Captain of the Guards asked Lord Farquaard.
"No..." Farquaard replied as he looked the hideous beast over. He raised his arms suddenly. "People of Duloc, I give you, your champion!"
The applause came again, louder then before and more happy and bright, while Shrek just looked at a loss, so did Donkey in fact.
"What?" Shrek asked, completely astonished.
"Well done Ogre, you are now to embark on a noble quest." Farquaard explained happily. Shrek frowned.
"Nobel quest? I'm already on a quest! A quest to get my swamp back!" Shrek declared.
"Your swamp?" Farquaard asked, as if Shrek had made an awful stink.
"Yes, MY swamp. Where YOU dumped all those fairy tale creatures!" Shrek accused, pointing at the Lord.
"I see. Tell you what Ogre, here's the deal. You go on this quest, and then you'll get your swamp back." Farquaard thought fast, seemed these flashes of inspiration kept coming.
"Exactly the way it was?" Shrek asked,
"Down to the last slime covered toadstool." Farquaard added.
"And the squatters?" Shrek wanted them to be gone as well.
"As good as gone!" Farquaard exclaimed.
Shrek looked at the guardsmen, then at Donkey, then at Farquaard.
"...what kind of quest?" he asked.
