Disclaimer: I don't own dbz, any of the authors, ff.net, or the hilarious joke I'm
supposed to put here.
Notes: All right, you people REALLY annoy me sometimes. I AM A GUY!!!!!! FOR GODS SAKE I AM A GUY! Why do people think
I'm a girl, how do they ASSUME I'm a girl. And you all know what happens when you Ass-U-Me. *grumbles* Maddog
and Gohan Hugger are in for some nasty surprises along with Acyla. Well, besides that, I can't think of much more to say.
Once again, I'm VERY sorry if I miss you or can't put your name in, sometimes it's very hard to keep track of it all, and my e-mailsometimes goes awry. Also, generally if I don't put in your fiction, it's not because it's bad. It's mostly because a) I've
already passed the section, or b) I can't think up good jokes to follow it. Really, this is a humor fic, so I ahve to make it
funny. Well, that's enough of my long-winded rambling and complaining. In this chapter, poor Gohan will now be exposed to.....lemons.......*evil horror music*.
Honestly, though nothing is described, it's hinted at pretty bluntly, so if you don't like this sort of thing, I would probably
suggest you don't read it. Just read the first part (it's important), the middle segment with Steve, and the very last part. Believe me, there'a a hefty helping of humor (that's
alliteration folks), but it IS more mature than the other chapters. It might not be quite as funny (it is much ahrder than it
seems to make good jokes), but I'll make that up in the next chapter.
Gohans Journey: The (censored) NC-17 section
The telephone rang at the briefs residence.
"Oh bother! Vegeta, will you get that?"
Vegeta gasped in surprise. NO ONE told HIM what to do. "NOW!! GO!!" Vegeta cursed and stalked off, muttering to himself. He's like a big, pointy-haired dog. Another angsty romance fic between her and Vegeta popped up, written by Neko-han again, and she gratefully clicked it away, decideing not to tell Vegeta, lest the whole roof of the house be blown down, and the poor author have their legs ripped off.
Vegeta came baxk with the phone, still ringing. "Ok woman, now what."
"Oh for god's sake PICK IT UP MORON!"
"I'm holding it right now!"
"NO! NO! pick up THAT part of the phone. THAT part."
Vegeta growled angrily, but picked up the phone. "What!" he shouted politely.
"GIVE THE PHONE TO BULMA BRIEFS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!!!!"
Bulma gasped, Oh no, not now, NOT NOW! Vegeta staggered back in shock, then roared, "How DARE you order ME around, devil-mate of Kakarot!"
"IF YOU DON'T GIVE HER THE PHONE RIGHT NOW, YOU'LL WISH YOU'D NEVER BEEN BORN!!!"
Vegeta threw the phone at bulma and stomped back to the training room, cursing savagely. (Oh, you'll grow to HATE that word.) Bulma squeaked into the phone, "h-hi Chichi. H-how ar------"
"Bulma, I just got an e-mail from someone named 'Acyla'. Gohan is at your house, right?"
Bulma was slightly taken back by the calmness of chichi's voice. "Uh...wel...."
"Oh he is. I've heard a disturbing rumor about experiments and such. And something about, 'Literary Pornography'. But you wouldn't show him that now would you? *Bulma visibly sweatdropping* Gohan is over 1 hour late for his studying, and IF HE DOESN'T GET HERE IN 10 MINUTES, I'LL WRING YOUR HEAD OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"But..."
SLAM!!!
The line cut off, and Bulma sat there, shaking. What was she going to do?
The noise in the room was awful.
Gohan and dot moved through the black room, which eminated nothing but strange squelching sounds. Another author ran up to them.
"PLEASE!" Bura yelled, "Help me, help me out of here! This place is horrible, I've been trauamatized for life. Oh, the pain the horror......." The author curled up into a ball, rocking back and forth.
"It's....over that way, the exit."
"THANK YOU SIR!!!!!! I'm FREEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" The author ran off, crying in happiness. Gohan was quite scared by now. "Kami...if the authors are scared of this place......how bad is it?"
Dot looked at Gohan in pity. "Oh dear, I fear this may be your hardest trial yet." THey walked into a similarly gothic room, which had a blank computer screen on it.
Gohan steeled himself. "So what IS a lemon anyway."
"A lemon is a (usually, god forbid it be long) short fiction about a completely random love scene between two characters, where the actualy screwing is described in a disgusting amount of detail."
"Screwing?" Gohan asked innocently.
"Oh dear.....well, you'll figure it out soon enough. let's start off with a subject your familiar with. Here's a Bulma/Vegeta fic."
THe metallic voice bleated out. "Afternoon Alone: by L.A. Whitfield. Rating: NC-17. Summary: It's short, but it's good. I've written a G/CC lemon, and now, because so many have requested it, my first B/V Lemon."
At least it'll be short. "Well, let's get this over with." Gohan sighed, and sat down.
The scene started in the kitchen, and Bulma was being bothered by a seven-year old trunks. A surprisingly funny scene with Vegeta and tomato sauce (I'll let you wonder) started off the fic. Gohan sighed and put his hands behind his head. Maybe this won't be too bad, this seems more like normal humor. But what did this have to do with screws?
Trunks left, and suddenly, Vegeta crept up and started nibbling on Bulma's ear, which Gohan thought WAS kinda screwy. "Tonight, woman, after the brat's gone, it'll just be you and me." Sauce started splatering everywhere, and the two settled in a long, obscenely described kiss, and Vegeta picked Bulma up and threw her on the bed.
Gohan turned away, disgusted. "More of this? There's not even a plot this time!"
The voice blurted out again, "Do you verify that you are 17?"
Gohan looked at dot, "Would it know if I was lying?"
"No."
"Then what's the point of a message like that on the stories?"
"None."
"Ok." Gohan made possibly the worst decision of his life. "Yeah, I'm 17."
The next 5 minutes were REALLY unpleasant for the boy. A head lock prevented him from turning his head, so he ended up learning more about female and male anatomy then he EVER wanted to, even as a scholar. Fortunately, it was over fairly quickly.
Gohan was dead white, and gratefully turned his head from the final frozen scene (It's too graphic for our younger readers). "It's over?......What kind of a story was that? That wasn't even a story! What kind of sick people read this stuff?"
Dot chuckled a little, "You'd be surprised. Besides, this is one of the best ones. (It had humor) You know how much worse they can get?"
Gohan thought for a second, "You know....in my world, people read this, they don't watch it. Why are people excited by stuff like this? Isn't that more of a visual sort of thing? What's so great about READING about it?"
Dot shrugged, "I dunno, people are very strange. Well, you want to see one of your parents?"
Gohan gasped, horrible images flitting through his mind. "NO! DEAR KAMI NO!" (Of course he didn't want to, try visualizing your OWN parents frolicing *shudders*)
"Alright, how about "Taste of Blood", by Larania?" (That is the real name, yes.)
Gohan choked on that one, "Maybe not, let's skip."
"Well.....I guess you'll see it anyway, so I'll have to show one about you."
"WHAT?!?!?! ABOUT ME?"
"Yes. Here we go."
"Gohan and Lime: by Trunks Rating: NC-17 Summary: A story that fills the gap about how Gohan lost his Virginity right before the Cell Games. It's a lemon, and it's my tribute to one of the most unrecognized characters of DBZ....Lime."
Gohan broke through the arm bonds and clenched his fists in absolute disbelief. "Are they JOKING? I never lost my virginity! What is he talking about?......TRUNKS!?!?!"
"No, it's just someone using his name, it's not the real guy, believe me."
Gohan gulped, "Is-is someone using mine?"
"Oh yes." (*grins at Son Gohan...the author I mean....never mind.)
"uh.....this isn't going to be like the last story, right. You know, Lime being eight and all, and not having a whole lot of fully developed anatomy, it seems kinda stu-"
"hush, it's starting."
Gohan watched in alarm as the story unfolded. He saw himself sitting under the familiar tree, with the cute little girl Lime as company. She was eight, but she looked different. They were talking about the cell games, and it seemed actually kinda sweet.
Then, completely out of nowhere, Gohan (on screen) blurted out, "I don't wanna die a virgin....oops, sorry." (he didn't sound sorry)
"I have never, ever, EVER said that." Gohan said, slightly dissapointed. It almost looked like it would be a normal fiction, for a little while.
Lime, suddenly looking very....slutty....moved over "I don't want to die a virgin either, let's go. Right here, right now."
On screen, Gohan stammered, half-heartedly, "We're underaged! This would make the story very strange and disturbing!"
"So?" (Ok, it wasn't EXACTLY like that, but it was pretty damn close.)
They ran over, and, well, need I describe it in greater detail? Gohan got angrier and angrier as he saw himself say and do things to a girl that he would NEVER, EVER do in his entire life. What made it harder to watch than ever was the author's unholy fascination with bodily liquids. (You have absolutely no idea at all. Pleasant chapter, isn't it?)
Finally, after a few minutes, Lime handed Gohan some pink underware, and the story ended.
"GHHGCHH! ARGHCH!!!!" Gohan growled and snarled, trying to break free of the seat, which was trying weakly to hold him back. "How DARE they do that to Lime and me! HOW!---WHY!--" With a yell, he broke free, and in a flash, took Dot by a corner. "Why do you let this.....utter, disgusting porn find its way into OUR lives! For all I know, they could be doing gay pron between Freeza and Zarbon! Isn't that ridiculous! Or stuff between Tien and Chaouzu! Or...."
"*choke* Ok, ok, we'll skip the last....."
But Gohan's attention had shifted, and dot fell to the ground. "What is that?"
A fic simply titled, "Piccolo's little lover" lay on the screen. There was no summary. "What is that?"
Dot inverted colors and went dead white, "No, don't click on that, for god's sake don't click on that! It'll be the end of us all!"
But Gohan's curiousty pulled him over, and he took the mouse and clicked on it. He watched, horror slowly dawning on his face as he realized what was about to happen.....
Steven Savage, the sav....cruel master of FF.NET, grabbed, a poor, innocent writer by the nexk, whose name happened to be Dyani. "Did a boy in an orange gi and a physically impossible floating dot pass by?"
"P-please let go mr. savage! I have to warn Paladone of Acyla's attempt on his life before it's too late! I'm gathering a group of loyal authors who demanded repeatedly to be placed in this fiction!"
"ANSWER ME!" he roared.
"Y-yes he did! He went into the romance section, please let me go! You'll never figure out how the story ends!"
"Fine." He dropped her unceremoniously onto the floor, and she ran off, searching for the calm, princely author we all know and love. The mean brute (I DIDN'T SAY SAVAGE!) rushed to the romance hallway, eager to capture the ellusive character at last.....
Somewhere off in the distance, Acyla laughed, closing in on her prey, who was currently writing his quiet, happy, good-willed little stories.
The setting was in the desert then, only this time a slightly older Gohan (think 15) was training harshly with Piccolo. Both were covered with sweat, and were grinning. But I never enjoyed sparring that much!
"Gohan, baby, let's relax." Piccolo said, throwing off his cape and ripping off his shirt. (This is, of course, very subtle and useful.)
"Certainly Piccolo," Gohan said staring at the namek's chest. "You konw, I'm still a little sad that all my friends and family died just so I could be alone with you in a completely unlikely situation, but I'm getting used to it."
Gohan tried to suppress the wild urge to scream, but anger management was never his thing.
"Yeah, me too kid. Of course, I've only really loved you, so why should that matter anyway?"
"It doesn't, all I really need is you."
"Well kid.....you know.......I've never...." The two moved close and closer together, the author obviously trying to build up 'suspense'.
Steve slammed opened the door in a blaze of triumph, honing in on his prey.
"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!" Gohan went ssj2 and simply blasted the room with his ki. Savage, taken off gaurd, was thrown far, far off into the distance.
Gohan, roaring in rage, started blasting everything that moved, or didn't move. "HOW DARE THEY! PICCOLO....ME....NO!! THESE PEOPLE ARE SICK!!!! SICK!!!!!!!!"
The room reduced to ashes, Gohan honed in on poor dot. As if it fell from the hands of kami itself, fortunately, a rock hit Gohan square on the head, and destroying everything pshycologists and doctors hold dear for the sake of this story and of gohan's sanity, instantly erased all the pornography he had just seen out of his mind, making him innocent once again. (whew, run-on sentence city) "huh?......what......?"
Dot shuffled back, "Uh.....well....let's just skip the NC-17 section for now."
Gohan frowned, "You sure?"
"Oh yes, absolutely."
"Ok, where to next?"
Dot turned stern, and a little edge came into his voice. "The horror section. Be careful, it's ruled over by the tyrant Ash the wanderer, who, of course, has no relation with Ash Ketchum from Pokemon (I warned you Ash. Don't say I didn't warn you. I'm gonna have FUN with your character. *Evil laugh*)
"Um.....who's Ash Ketchum? What's a Pokemon?"
".....never...mind. Let's just go."
Steve Savage, the strongest man on the net, lay gasping for breath in some strange section. He cursed, "So close, I was so close! What WAS that that hit me?"
He turned over on his side, and looked right into the dim eyes of a strange animal.
"Pika?"
To be continued.....
Will Steve find his way out of Poke-world and hunt down Gohan? Will Dyani find a group and save Paladone before it's too late? WIll Gohan make it through the horror section wihtout blasting Ash to HFIL? (Probably not.) Stay tuned!
