Quicksilver's Quill Offers
To Have Loved You
~A Renaissance Sidestory~
SPOILERS for later parts of the series- but nothing major
Translations by Tasuki no miko; used with permission.
AN: A quick oneshot dealing with the reincarnation of Shoka- she'll be entering Renaissance soon... Arigatou to Moonsong-neesan for being a sweet person and a nasty beta.
This fic is dedicated to Laurelgand, just because.

Even if the heavens and earth part
We'll be gazing at each other
Exceeding time, exceeding fate
I live together with you
- Tatara, Seed

I remember.

I remember my past life, dream of people I have never met, love a man I have never known. His soft eyes compel me in my dreams.... I will do anything to see him again, catch one of those rare smiles he would flash just for me. Love is such a powerful thing; it causes us all to act sillier then than is wise.

I was Shoka then and I am Shoka now. This time, though, I am no beauty, which worries me. I am disgustingly cute, with a small nose with a few random freckles scattered across it. I want.... no, I NEED, to be beautiful for him. My Juan. Juan won't care, once he knows it's me- but every woman in love wants to be stunning for the object of her affection.

Can he ever forgive me? Sometimes I wonder. I did the unforgivable after all- I sold my soul to a demon for the chance to see him again. I killed so many people out of my selfish desire. I am not worthy of his love, the love of a Suzaku Seishi. The Seishi are pure of heart and soul, willing to sacrifice themselves for whatever benefits the rest of mankind. I did the exact opposite of that. I gave in to my own desires and... but wait. I am merely going around in circles, and shouldn't bother thinking of the future. What will be will be.

I have been waiting for him for so long, and I will wait longer still. I am an old maid now at nineteen, but I will spend a hundred lifetimes alone if it means that someday I will have the chance to feel his arms wrapped around me, look into his eyes and see that special look he had for me.

I'm sure that I'll recognize him, no matter what form he wears. I have spent most of my life striving to correct the wrongs I have inflicted upon the world. I killed once- now the only way to make it up is to heal. I do not have the healing hands that my beloved had, but I have strived to learn about the body and herbal remedies. I know which plants to give a person to break a fever, or the proper moss to apply to keep a wound from festering. A wound gone bad has to be one of the most gruesome sights I have ever seen, for it is an agonizing way to die. Those are the lucky ones- the unlucky ones survive. At times I have been tempted to aid people to their eternal rest, give them a gentle cup of poison and watch them slip into the blissful sleep of death.

It is not a thought I entertain for long, though, for I know it is wrong. A true Healer always gives life, never takes it. Once darkness has touched the soul, its taint remains for eternity. No matter how many lives lived, it follows a person, like starved hounds that are barely restrained. Should the leash break, the victim will be devoured. It's easier for me to be evil then to do good... but how I long to do good! I love Juan, and find myself walking a narrow wire. If not for him, I would... but never mind that. Dark thoughts lead to darker deeds.

Come to me, my Juan. I wait for you- and so I shall for eternity. Love like ours transcends time, and we will be together again. Not for me- I do not deserve you. But you loved me, and surely Suzaku loves you enough to lead you to your heart's desire, even if it is a foolish wish.

Wo ai ni, my Juan. Wo ai ni.