Chapter 2: Relieving emptiness
She had already been walking for many hours as the sun finally reached its highest point in the sky and burned down on the young woman's long, dark hair.
Yet her face did not show any sign of the torture she was going through. Not only the torture of the heat and the long walk, but also the torture inside of her, which she had been going through since the dreams had started, still weak and subconscious at first, but intensifying every night she had been haunted.
Tifa was walking without any idea of where she was actually going, her destination just a matter of where fate and her own strength would bring her.
But there was nowhere she could actually go to, as she knew nobody except for Cloud and the rest of her friends who had saved the planet with her.
Cloud…
As she recalled his name, her eyelids automatically went down to prevent anybody from seeing her beautiful ruby eyes fill with tears, tears of pain and love at the same time.
Of a pain of rejection that had stabbed the exact middle of her heart with the single purpose to hurt, to cause ache every time she saw him, smelled him, heard him… even thought about him.
Yet she could not stop loving him with each single ounce of her body though aware she would never acquire what she was longing for so deeply, what she had devoted her whole existence to: his love.
Tifa let out a deep sigh, taking another step forward just to bring more distance between her and her love, and another step, and another.
Her journey seemed to be too long to endure, yet it was still easier to take than being around Cloud another day.
She had chosen the path that was easiest, that was filled with less pain than the road she had been following for more than twenty years in her life now.
Tifa hadn't always had the possibility to chose which road to take, what she wanted to do. First, others had made the decisions for her, often had she been forced to do things, without enough courage to disobey.
But now, she did not have anybody to tell her what to do anymore, she was free to do whatever she wanted.
Thus she had been able to make the choice that had brought her to where she was now.
With every single step she took forward, the small breeze she was feeling on her pale face grew stronger, leading her to the conclusion that she was close to either a rushing stream or even the great masses of water gathered in the ocean.
A small smile crossed Tifa's face.
The ocean…
Slowly, Tifa regained her sense for direction and remember where she was. She had gone way South and in the west of her current position should be a small village she had once passed through while on the search for Sephiroth.
After some more minutes of walking over the rough ground, she finally reached the shore.
Standing about 20 meters above the water's edge, she had a great view on the ocean which was lying before her.
Finally, she thought. So this shall be the end of it…
Tifa took a deep breath as she clung to the railing and swung her long legs over the metal.
The only thing you have to do now is let go…
And isn't that what you want? Let go of everything? Be without troubles? Without worries? Without hurt and pain?
She closed her eyes and hung her head low.
This is it, finally. All it really needs now is courage. More courage than it ever needed. But then, it will all be over. All the pain will be gone and I will finally be free.
All I have to do now is let go… and fly. Fly like an angel up to the heavens to be content forever. To be in pain nevermore.
"Up, up to the heavens, dear angel-mine
Spread your wings and fly
For here, on earth, your heart will never shine
Rise up to the sky.
Leave behind your pain and ache,
Escape solitude's strong hand
From the nightmares now you'll wake
As in heaven you will land."
A single tear ran down her cheek she remembered that poem she had once written, when she had been old enough to understand her mother's death.
So we will finally meet again, mommy. I've missed you for so long, there are so many things I need to tell you, some many secrets unshared. Just wait, mommy. I will be with you very soon…
With these thoughts on her mind, Tifa slowly loosened her grip on the railing and finally stood over the edge.
This is it, finally.
Up, up to the heavens…
Leave your pain and ache behind…
With that, she spread her arms from her and leapt forward, finally flying, finally…
As the water's edge rushed closer and closer, Tifa smiled and closed her eyes.
From the nightmares now you'll wake
As in heaven you will land
With a sudden, incredibly fast motion Cloud sat up in bed, panting, breathing profoundly, as he had abruptly been torn from the sleep he had finally found after lying awake for endless hours.
Even though Cloud could not clearly say what had woken him, he knew that it had to do with the recent events: with his best friend's leave. Each time he thought about it, his stomach cringed. And this time, something more serious must have happened, as he felt his whole body rebelling, his mind spiraling around.
After a few minutes, Cloud's breathing had slowed and he carefully got out of bed.
Grabbing his head as a result of the striking headache that suddenly overcame him, he grabbed his shirts and pants, got dressed quickly, opened the door of his room and went into the corridor, making his way down the stairs.
Carefully, silently, he went outside, into the surroundings of the small town of Kalm, which was totally deserted at this time of the night.
Out of nostalgia, Cloud went up onto the strange building that was situated in the middle of the town and sat down, staring at the sky.
With a long sigh, he put his hand into his pant's pocket and carefully took out a small piece of paper. Upon closer look, it could be identified as a picture, worn out by having been carried around in the pocket for a long time.
Cloud softly brought his fingers up to the photograph and caressed it, his face nothing more than a pained expression.
The photo showed him and his best friend, Tifa, a few weeks after the defeat of Sephiroth. It had been made on the day when they had finished moving in and cleaning their house in Kalm. Both Cloud and Tifa were covered with dust and wore newspapers hats on their heads to prevent their hair from getting dirty.
It had been one of the best days ever, they had had a lot of fun and shared great laughter.
Thus the picture expressed total happiness. Cloud guessed that Tifa must have forgotten about this photograph, otherwise she surely would have insisted on having a copy of it. Shortly after Barret had taken it secretly – surprising pictures had always been the most funny and as well the most true ones – Cloud had asked to give it to him so that he could keep it. And thus he had kept it in his pocket ever since, never being without it.
As it had been with Tifa. He had never been without her ever since they had met again in Midgar years ago, when he had been hired by AVALANCHE.
But now it was all different. It all had changed.
For the first time in years, he felt truly lonely, and alone.
His worst nightmare ever had come true after all.
He couldn't just sit there and let things happen.
He couldn't just let his Tifa run away, probably even…
No, he couldn't think of what else she could do.
I have to do something, immediately, he thought, as he made his way back to his home, decided to not let pass another minute unused.
***
"Miss Lockheart, are you ok?"
The young woman stirred under the covers of the bed she was lying in. Slowly, she opened her big ruby eyes, trying to focus her vision on anything particular.
"Call the doctor, she's woken up!"
Slowly but steadily, her eyes were adjusting to the surroundings and she was able to make out the sterile ambiance of the white hospital room.
Carefully, still slightly dizzy, she turned her head around to face the nurse standing by her side, smiling gladly.
"Where am I? What happened?"
"You are in hospital in Kalm, Ms Lockheart. You know, the town you've been living in for years now."
The nurse's face seemed slightly irritated, concerned.
"I don't know what you are talking about. And why are you calling me 'Ms Lockheart' all the time? Who is she?" The young woman asked, confused on how unfamiliar everything felt.
Finally, the doctor arrived, a sympathetic looking man of middle age, and started talking to the nurse.
At last, he directed his look toward his patient and walked over to her bed.
"Ms Lockheart, can you recall anything particular of the past few days?"
Tifa frowned, trying hard to concentrate, yet nothing came to her mind, not even her own name. She felt so… empty.
Slowly, she shook her head, grapping the bandages.
"Hmm… ", the doctor began "as I expected. Due to the great deal of damage that has been done to your head from the fall, you suffer from amnesia, though I do not know now whether it will be permanent or just temporary."
Tifa's eyes widened in shock of the news.
"Damage?… and what fall?" she started, as she tried to sit up in bed, yet did not succeed because her legs were numb.
Stunned, she remained frozen. With tears slowly forming in her eyes, she looked at the doctor, demanding an explanation.
The doctor gave her a pitying look.
"The paralysis of your legs is another result of your fall. The nerves around your spine in the area above the hips have been damaged, and we do not yet know whether they will resume their function."
Tifa gasped. She had lost everything, even her existence, and now she had to get to know that they had even taken her physical health?!
"But there is someone who wants to see you, Ms Lockheart." The doctor tried.
"Huh?" Tifa frowned. Who was there she could know? Was there anybody waiting for her? "Who is it?"
"It's Cloud Strife. Do you want to see him? It's up to you."
In Tifa's mind, a small war began, whether she should see him or not. But finally she decided it would be best because if there were a way to regain her memory, she had to try it.
She slowly nodded.
"All right." The doctor replied, and motioned for the nurse to leave the room, as he left to get the visitor who was waiting outside impatiently ever since he had received the call.
Slowly, one foot carefully set after the other, the spiky-haired man entered, his face covered in a concerned expression, yet it showed a relieved smile as he saw his Tifa.
"Hey", he simply said as he came closer to her bed, yet resisting to hug her as he did not know how she would react.
"Ummm… hi, I guess", Tifa returned. Secretly, she had hoped that the appearance of somebody that must play an important role in her life would help her regain her memory or at least give her a certain feeling of familiarity, yet she did not feel any difference. Everything was still as unfamiliar and odd as minutes ago, when she had woken.
"Tifa…", Cloud started hesitantly, unsure whether to pose the question or not. "You… you don't know me, right? You don't know who I am?"
Even though she did not know the man before her at all, it gave her a feeling of pity to shake her head and thus deny any connection to him.
"The… the doctor said that it's some result from a fall or something, as well as…", she did not continue, but just blankly stared down at her paralyzed legs.
"Ya, they told me about it", Cloud replied, thus telling Tifa she did not have to go on, that he didn't need further explanation, at least not now, not in the state she was.
"And I'm really sorry about that. You know, me and all the rest of the bunch, all of your friends, we really wanna help you recover. And probably, if you agree, we would take you home with us, to your home…"
The young woman stared at the man before her. So he was not her only friend? So she had a home, and friends? She would not stay alone? Yet she did not know any of those people, so how could she live with them?
"I… I'm not sure about that…", Tifa said, turning away from Cloud, avoiding the hurt look of the young man's eyes.
He let out a deep sigh and closed his eyes, obviously deeply hurt.
"But I think I should at least try it. I should try anything that could help. And I think company would not be the worst thing right now…" she added, giving Cloud a small smile. She did not really know why, but she felt a certain liking towards the young man, even though she did not know him, at least not anymore. Maybe before her amnesia had possessed her, there had been a deep friendship between the two, or probably something deeper…
Cloud seemed to be relieved that she had made this decision and gladly smiled back at her, nearly forgetting about the worries he had.
"Ok, I'll ask the doctor when you'll be able to go home. You probably need some time on your own anyways. And when you'll be home, we can work on getting your memory back, ok?"
Tifa nodded approvingly, smiling back at the young man. He seemed so decided about helping her that she simply had to do anything he wanted to do to help her.
My life must have been really great, if I had friends like him…
***
Carefully, Cloud pushed Tifa's wheelchair through the streets of the quite town of Kalm. The doctor eventually had agreed to let her go home, as there was nothing they could do for her in hospital, nothing Cloud and her other friends – even though she could not remember any of them – could do.
She had not yet been visited by them, she guessed it was just because they didn't want to put her under any pressure to remember them. The only one she had got to know yet was Cloud, and he actually made it a lot easier for her to cope with her present state.
Right now, curious like a small child that had been born days ago, she took in every bit of the atmosphere and information around her, her brain seemed to eager to learn as much as possible. Every single person that went by greeted them in a most friendly way, and Cloud had yet at least roughly told her why: they had actually saved the whole planet from destruction.
When she had heard it for the first time, she had just laughed, being most sure that he only wanted to cheer her up.
Yet Cloud had not laughed, he had just looked at her confusedly, wondering how anybody could have forgotten something important like that.
Several times had he and the doctor confirmed the whole story, and slowly but steadily, Tifa had become very proud of who she actually seemed to be, or had been more precisely.
It seemed to her that her life must have been astonishingly interesting, full of adventure and accompanied by good friends. That made her even more eager to find out anything about her life, to regain her memory, to become her old self again.
"Hey, Tifa, we're there", Cloud said, softly touching her shoulder.
"Huh?" Tifa made, turning around to Cloud first, then following the direction of his gaze to look upon a nicely built, pretty large house, decorated with flowers.
It seemed so full of life, that Tifa's heart missed a beat.
"This is it, Tifa. This is our home."
