Disclaimer: i don't own anything
Note: this story treats luke like a total idiot, so beware
another note: don't try to fit this into the star wars timeline or you will just go crazy
Star Wars Episode 0.5:
The Jedi are trying hard to rebuild their order and to bring justice back to the galaxy. Jedi Knights Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn, who has now grown old but is still strong with the force, are the leaders of this mission. They have gathered promising youth from throughout the galaxy and have set up a school to train them
The threat of the Empire is never far from even the young Jedi students. Darth Vader, too, has found an apprentice. He will grow strong under his master's guidance.
The rebel alliance continues their work, in conjunction with the new Jedi Order. The Empire has been unusually passive lately, and the alliance grows fearful of a new attack.
In outer space:
A huge ship hurtles through space. On its bridge:
Vader: What is our approximate time of arrival at the Ersp system?
Aki: We should be there in 15 minutes, my lord.
Aki leaves. A young boy steps forward. He is thirteen years old.
Boy: Why are we going to that place?
Vader: It is a good place for training. It is where I was trained.
Boy: Why would I wanna go where you were?
Vader: You don't have a choice.
Boy: Talk about inflated ego. I don't have to do what you say just 'cause you want it.
Vader: You are my apprentice, Darth Sirbez.
Boy: Don't call me that. My name is Lance.
Vader: You have no say in the matter!
Darth Vader swirls away and stalks out of the room. Lance leans against a wall and laughs to himself.
Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi stand in a large, plain room and survey two young children, a boy and a girl, about the same age as Lance. One older boy stands behind them.
Qui-Gon: It's not much, but it'll have to do for now.
Obi-Wan: It is a promising pair. Skip, what do you think?
Skip walks over to them and shrugs his shoulders.
Skip: I don't know what to look for. Seem fine to me. Not nearly as good as I am, of course.
Qui-Gon: That boy reminds me much of you, Obi-Wan.
Skip and Obi-Wan, simultaneously: I resent that.
Qui-Gon: Well excuse me.
Obi-Wan: Personally, Master, I think he is most like you.
Qui-Gon: Really, Obi-Wan! What could possibly make you think that? Actually I quite agree with you. I was much like Skip when I was younger; in fact, I still am much like him.
Obi-Wan: The children are waiting.
Qui-Gon: yes, of course.
Qui-Gon walks closer to the 2 kids and clears his throat.
Qui-Gon: You are both agreed that you wish to become Jedi, are you not?
The boy and the girl both nod.
Qui-Gon: Well, then, follow me.
He leads them through a door into a supply room.
Obi-Wan takes two sets of apprentice clothes off a rack, two practice lightsabers, and some books. He presents them to the kids. They take the things wordlessly.
Skip: Geesh, don't you guys ever talk?
Obi-Wan: Don't harass them, Skip.
The group continues down the hall. The boy and girl stare around in wonder at the place they are in.
Qui-Gon reaches two doors and opens them.
Qui-Gon: these are your rooms. Aaron, you're in here. Rebecca's in the other room. I hope you find your accommodations comfortable.
Qui-Gon starts to walk away, leaving Aaron and Rebecca there. Obi-Wan follows. Skip stays; it is his job to make sure the two are all right. Without asking permission, he follows Aaron into his room and saunters over to the small cot and sits down there.
Skip: So, what's up?
Aaron doesn't answer. He is flipping through the books that Obi-Wan gave him.
Skip: So, that girl, she your sister or something?
Aaron shakes his head slightly but doesn't look up from the book.
Aaron: I don't even know her.
Skip: Ah-ha! So you do talk.
He gets no answer.
Skip: But not very much.
Silence.
Skip: Well, if you don't mind, I'll be leaving now.
Skip starts to walk towards the door, looking back over his shoulder a few times to make sure Aaron isn't going to say anything, then shrugs his shoulders and closes the door behind him. Without knocking he goes into Rebecca's room. She, like Aaron, is engrossed in the books.
Rebecca: Don't you know better than to just walk into a girl's room without knocking?
Skip (ignoring her comment): So, this one talks a bit more, huh?
Rebecca rolls her eyes at him, silently.
Skip: Cause that guy in the room next door sure doesn't say much.
He walks looks over her shoulder at the book she's reading.
Skip: Ah.Uh-huh.The art of the lightsaber, huh? Fancy being a warrior, do you?
Rebecca: That is what I'm here for.
Skip: Oh, come on. You can't be a warrior.
Rebecca: Wanna bet?
Skip: You're a girl. Girls can't be warriors.
Rebecca angrily slams the book shut.
Rebecca: Get out of here!
Skip: Geesh, Sorry.
Just then someone knocks on the door. Obi-Wan enters.
Obi-Wan: Skip! We just got some urgent news. Follow me.
The millennium falcon hurtles through space. It is headed toward a small remote planet.
Leia: Are you sure this is the right place?
Han: Of course I'm sure!
Leia raises one eyebrow.
Han: Okay, okay, so I'm only sort of sure. But it's probably the right one.
Leia: They told us to meet them on a planet in the Urvep System. That's where we are, isn't it?
Han: Yeah..according to my calculations.
Leia: Your calculations? In that case, it's probably NOT the right planet.
Han: You're probably right. Doesn't look like a very nice place for a Jedi Temple anyway.
Luke walks into the cockpit.
Luke: They're not there. It's not the right place.
Han: Princess, did you give him his medicine today?
Leia: No. Did you?
Han: No.
Leia: Then why is he acting so smart? I mean, smart for Luke.
Han: Maybe he found the bottle and took some himself.
Leia: Oh great. Anyway, Luke, how do you know they're not there.
Luke: I could have felt their presence if they were.
Han reads something on the computer screen.
Han: That's weird. The coordinates check out with what Obi-Wan told us. This should be it.
Leia: Land the ship and let's take a look around.
Skip follows hurriedly behind Obi-Wan. They reach the conference room. Just outside the door Skip tugs on Obi-Wan's robe. Obi-Wan turns to him.
Skip: Why do I have to come to the meeting? I'm only an apprentice still.
Obi-Wan: But you're MY apprentice. And I think you should come.
They go into the conference room, where are seated Yoda, Qui-Gon, and one other councilor.
Qui-Gon stands up.
Qui-Gon: Good. You're back. Now everybody needs to listen close-this could be important.
Yoda: No. Wait a minute, you will. Tell me, young Jedi, doing well are the new apprentices?
Skip: Yeah, sure, they're great. I don't think that girl likes me very much.
Obi-Wan: I don't blame her.
Skip: But that's not really important, let's here whatever this is qui-Gon has to say.
Qui-Gon: Why so eager, Skip?
Skip: It sounds like there might be an adventure coming up!
Qui-Gon: You may well be right. But look here. You all know that the empire has been unusually quiescent of late. But lately there has been an unusual amount of imperial activity in this sector-
A map appears on the wall behind him, and he turns, pointing to a small section that is now highlighted in red.
Qui-Gon: As yet we have no way of knowing what they're up to. But knowing Vader and all his cronies, it's probably something we won't like. There are quite a few people living in that area and they may need help. We need someone to go and see what's going on there.
Obi-Wan: I've already volunteered to go. As my apprentice, of course, Skip will come also. And I'd like to take the two new apprentices with me as well. It would be a valuable experience.
Qui-Gon: I would also like to go.
Yoda: Not too old, are you, Qui-Gon?
Qui-Gon: Hah! I'm not even half of a quarter as old as you are.
Obi-Wan: I'd be honored if my old master would accompany me.
Yoda: Good. Tomorrow, you will leave.
The session is adjourned and the Jedi begin to leave. After a few moments only Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Skip are left.
Obi-Wan: Skip, go down and make sure those new kids are comfortable and everything, okay?
Skip: But I just did! They're perfectly fine.
Obi-Wan: Just go see if they need anything. They might have some questions about those books and things.
Skip leaves, grumbling. Qui-Gon starts to leave also.
Obi-Wan: Wait a minute, qui-Gon, I want to have a word with you.
Qui-Gon turns back to him, raising one eyebrow.
Qui-Gon: What is it?
Obi-Wan: There's something you're not saying about that imperial activity.
Qui-Gon: Perceptive of you. You've truly grown strong in the force since you left me, or rather since I left you.
Obi-Wan: What is it that you're not telling?
Qui-Gon sits down at the table again.
Qui-Gon: I feel a strange disturbance in the force there.
Obi-Wan: Another dark lord, Master?
Qui-Gon: You really shouldn't call me Master anymore.
Obi-Wan: Speaking of dark lords, you know, I was right about Anakin, wasn't I? I think you owe me an apology.
Qui-Gon folds his arms stubbornly.
Qui-Gon: I must certainly don't owe you any apology. That boy was a devious dark lord; he probably tricked me into thinking he was all right.
Obi-Wan: Oh, please, Master, this is an inappropriate time for humor. What about that disturbance?
Qui-Gon: It does indeed feel like another Dark Lord. A powerful one, but whose power is still growing.
Obi-Wan: An apprentice?
Qui-Gon: Quite possible. Though I'm sure he is young, he seems already almost as powerful as Vader himself. But.
Obi-Wan: But what?
Qui-Gon: The strange thing about this disturbance.it feels as though the boy is still unsure about whether to remain light or dark.
Obi-Wan: Do you think it is too late to bring him to the Light?
Qui-Gon: I'm afraid it probably is. But still.
Qui-Gon shrugs. The two Jedi stand up and walk towards the door. When they open it they expose Skip with his ear pressed against the door.
Obi-Wan: Eavesdropping, huh?
Skip: Yep. Thought you might be talking about me or something.
Qui-Gon: yes, of course we were talking about you: Darth Skip, the infamous Dark Lord!
Obi-wan: Don't give him any ideas.
Skip: Don't give him any ideas.
Obi-Wan: Do you see what I have to deal with every day?
Skip: Do you see what I have to deal with every day?
Luke and Han and Leia emerge from the Millennium falcon on the planet called Urp.
Han: This has GOT to be the right planet. The coordinates match perfectly. So where is the base?
Luke: Oh where, oh where, has my little dog gone, oh where oh where can he be?
Leia: Hey, wait a second. Wasn't he acting smart just a second ago?
Han: yeah. But you never know what to expect with Luke.
Leia: This is making me nervous. Last time he started singing about dogs we almost got eaten by giant canines.
Luke: BINGO BINGO BINGO and bingo was his name-o.
Leia: Han, are you SURE that guy who gave you those coordinates was obi- wan.
Han: Actually I'm quite sure he wasn't. It was some other guy relaying a message he said was from Obi-Wan.
Leia shakes her head unbelievingly.
Leia: Sometimes I wonder if you're not just as stupid as Luke. You led us right into a trap!
Han: A trap? What do you mean by that?
Leia: Are you blind or something? I can't believe you actually trusted that guy! You've taken us right where the empire wants us.
Han hits himself on the head.
Han: The empire! Of course! Why didn't I realize?
Leia: I could give you quite a few reasons that you probably don't want to hear.
Han: What are you talking about?
Leia: I don't think I'll say all the words I could apply to you just now. They might damage your self-esteem.
Luke: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes..
Leia: We'd better get back to the ship and hope we can make it off this planet before they spot us.
Han: I think it's a little too late for that...
Up in the sky a group of fighters roars toward them, firing laser blasts.
Leia: Get to the ship! Quickly! Luke, come on!
The three leap onto the ship they take off with the fighters hot on their trail.
Luke: Oh dear! Oh my! I think I swallowed a fly! Oh dear! Oh my! I think I'm going to cry!
The Millennium Falcon continues to evade the laserbolts from the fighters, and soon blasts into hyperspace.
A small imperial transport lands on the jungled planet of Eerch, in the Ersp System. Darth Vader and Lance emerge.
Vader: Look around you, Darth Sirbez. This is where you will be trained to succeed me as the greatest dark lord in the universe.
Lance: My name is Lance.
Vader: Follow me.
Lance: Why?
Vader: Because I am telling you to.
Lance: Big deal.
Vader menacingly makes a short gesture and Lance begins to choke, but only for a second. He shrugs the curse off and sends it right back at Vader. Vader starts choking, and Lance releases him.
Lance: Don't ever try anything like that on me, all right?
Vader: Darth Sirbez! You are my apprentice! You will not behave in that way.
Lance: My name is Lance.
Vader silently leads him to a house in the woods.
Vader: Go on inside. This will be your home while you are in training.
Lance: This old place? You expect ME to live there? And I guess you'll just go off and build yourself a mansion to live in, huh?
Vader: I will be sharing this house with you.
Lance stares at him in mock dismay.
Lance: Never! I would sooner murder you than share a house with you. That doesn't say much though, because I've always wanted and will always want to murder you.
Vader: You will never be strong enough to kill me, Darth Sirbez.
Lance: My name is lance. And I already AM strong enough to kill you. You know I've been doing some reading. You're actually one of the weakest dark Lords in the history of the Galaxy!
For the second time, Vader angrily swirls away into the forest, leaving Lance at the cabin by himself. He smiles wickedly and says to the walls around him, in mocked exasperation: Will he never learn?
Skip walks into the landing dock where the ship they will be taking is. It is fairly large. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are already there with Aaron and Rebecca.
Skip: Let's get on! Come on! Adventure here I come!
Obi-Wan: You know, skip, its probably not actually going to be a very adventuresome journey. Were just going to take a quick look around the sector and see what's happening.
Skip: Yeah, sure, that's what they all say.
Skip runs into the ship and sits down at the controls, excitedly looking over the control panel.
Skip: Hey, this ship's weird!
Qui-Gon: (appearing behind him) It's built in the style of an imperial ship. We feel it's safest if we don't get noticed while where on this little reconnaissance mission.
Obi-Wan and the two apprentices get on a sit down.
Obi-Wan: Well, let's get going. Skip and I will be the pilots, so the rest of you can pretty much just relax until we get there.
Qui-Gon: Relax! Never! I'm going to take these two guys down to the cabin for a few lessons.
Skip and Obi-Wan work at the computer, getting the coordinates for hyperspace.
Skip: Hey! This is just like old times. You and me together flying off on a new mission.
Obi-Wan: Don't remind me.
Skip: Do you think we'll meet up with Vader again?
Obi-Wan: It's possible.
Skip: Cool! Now I can kill him off for good. First I'll chop his arms off, then I'll cut open his stomach and pull out all his intestines. Then I'll slowly chop him up, starting from the toes, so he dies in horrible pain.
Obi-Wan: Violent child.
Skip: Sorry.
Obi-Wan: You're not really sorry, are you?
Skip: No.
Obi-Wan: I know you far too well.
Leia: So, genius, look what you got us into.
Han: Hey! I may have gotten us into it, but I got us out of it, too, so I think I deserve some thanks.
Leia: No you don't. Where are we going now?
Han: I dunno. We don't really have anywhere TO go.
Leia: See if you can get Obi-Wan or someone on the comlink. Maybe they can tell us where they Actually are.
Han: Okay.
Han types some stuff on the computer and picks up the com.
Han: Hello? Anyone there? This is Han Solo! Hello?
Voice: What IS it? We were just about to take off.
Han: Obi-Wan? Is that you?
Voice: Geee, I dunno. Is it?
Han: Just tell me who you are.
Voice: You may call me..Cornelius III.
Other voice (fainter): Skip, come on, give the guy a break.
Han: There you are, obi-wan. We need a little help.
Obi-Wan (clearer now): What can I do for you?
Han: We'd like to know where you've set up your little Jedi Temple thing.
Obi-Wan: Where are you currently located?
Han: Just off of the Spirek system.
Skip: Well, then, take a left turn at Yyvor, and then head straight past Hubi, make sure you look both ways at the crossroads by Utged, and don't run the red light at Gutfe, then make a U-turn by Actille, and head straight for about 6.4 lightyears until you get to Ilf. Make sure you don't run into Dertmon. It's kind of small.
Obi-Wan: Just ignore him. We're the third planet in the system Sullyed. You can't miss it; it's the only green planet for lightyears.
Han: Okay. Thanks a lot.
Obi-Wan: You're welcome. And don't mind Skip. He's always like that.
Skip: Yep!
Qui-Gon led the apprentices into a cabin that was rather dull and sparsely furnitured.
Qui-Gon: Have a seat.
They did.
Qui-Gon: So, where shall we start? Do you really even know what the force is?
They nod.
Qui-Gon: Well, that's good. We're not quite at ground zero. Hmmmm..Hand me one of your books.
Aaron gives him one. Closing his eyes, Qui-Gon flips randomly to a page. He looks at it.
Qui-Gon: Aaah.the warrior arts. Well, why not? Let's start here.
They watch him.
Qui-Gon: You know, I can see how Skip could find your silence disconcerting.
Rebecca: Can girls be warriors?
Qui-Gon: Sure.
Rebecca: Oh.
Qui-Gon digs out two practice wooden lightsabers from somewhere.
Qui-Gon: Take them.
They do.
Qui-Gon: Hold them with both hands together, your left hand on top if you're left handed.
They both put their hands correctly.
Qui-Gon: Good. Nobody asked what to do if they were right handed. There are some people who wouldn't have been able to figure that out.
Rebecca: Like who?
Qui-Gon: Well, the name Luke Skywalker comes to mind.but never mind that. Aaron, lend me your saber. Rebecca, come here. We're going to practice some striking and blocking. You'll get the hang of it really fast, I'm sure.
They start practicing.
Skip and Obi-Wan are in the cockpit. Skip puts his feet up on the control panel.
Obi-Wan: Skip, get your feet off the control panel.
Skip: Why? I can steer the ship just as well with my feet as with my hands.
Obi-Wan: We're going to be there soon. As soon as pull out of hyperspace, pay careful attention to what's going on all around us.
Watching a meter that is quickly ticking off numbers, Obi-Wan carefully eases the ship back into realspace.
Immediately they are surrounded by ships, big and small.
Skip: What's going on here?
Obi-Wan: That's what we're here to find out.
Vader and Lance are on the planet.
Vader: See if you can lift that rock over there.
Lance: That's Stupid!
Vader: Darth Sirbez! Do not use such vulgar language.
Lance: My NAME is Lance. And that wasn't vulgar language. On the other hand, if you'd like to hear some vulgar language, I'd be glad to oblige.
Vader: Now lift the Rock!!
Lance concentrates and lifts the whole mountain.
Vader: Concentrate! I said the rock, not the whole mountain!
Lance drops it on their cabin.
Lance: The rock was ON the mountain.
Vader: Fine. OK. Great. The lesson's over for today.
On Obi-Wan's ship:
Obi-Wan: (suddenly) Go to that planet.
Skip: Why?
Obi-Wan: I feel a disturbance there.
Skip: Okey-Dokey. Whatever you say.
The ship moves into the planet's atmosphere.
Skip: Hey, look! That mountain's moving!
Obi-Wan: Don't be silly. Mountains don't just get up and walk around.
Skip: That one does!
They land. On the mountain.
Obi-Wan: Now I see what Qui-Gon meant. I can definitely feel something very.odd.
Skip: Oooooops..That wouldn't be that Jello I ACCIDENTALLY spilled on your chair, would it?
Obi-Wan: Great, Skip. Now I have to confront the Dark Side with green Jello all over my pants. Go get qui-Gon and the others, will you?
Skip leaves and Obi-Wan gets up and checks the seat behind him for Jello. He rolls his eyes when he sees that Skip was joking.
Skip brings them back.
Obi-Wan: I think this is where that disturbance you felt is centered, Qui- Gon.
Qui-Gon: Yes. It is much stronger here.
Obi-Wan: Those two apprentices can stay on the ship, and the rest of us can go find Darth Vader and his little friend.
Rebecca: How come HE gets to go?
Obi-Wan: You can come if you want to face almost certain death.
Rebecca: Okay. I'll come.
Skip: NOOOOOOOO!! You're not actually going to let her come, are you?
Obi-Wan: Why shouldn't I?
Skip: Because I say so.
Obi-wan: Never mind him. He's just got a bit of an attitude problem.
Skip: Hey!
Obi-Wan: It's true.
Aaron: Um.I'll stay here and guard the ship, I guess.
They leave the ship.
Obi-Wan: Let's check around that mountain. The dark force is strong there.
Skip: That's it! That's the mountain that moved.
Obi-Wan: I'm starting to think that's not too unlikely, after I felt that power.
Qui-Gon: I wouldn't put something like that past a dark lord.
Skip: I bet if I tried, I could move an even bigger mountain than any Dark Lord!!!
Rebecca: I bet you couldn't.
Skip ignores her.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon exchange glances.
Qui-Gon: I've got a splendid idea. Let's split. Rebecca and Skip go one way and we'll go the other.
They both stare at him. Qui-Gon smiles at them rather evilly and walks away with obi-wan. They both walk quickly behind some trees, and when they are safely out of sight, obi-wan bursts out laughing.
Obi-Wan: You are evil, Qui-Gon. Truly evil.
Qui-Gon smiles wickedly for a second and then turns more serious.
Qui-Gon: But it was necessary. They need to resolve their differences so we can concentrate on the mission at hand.
Obi-Wan: Trust me, Skip won't be that eager to forgive and forget. He's not that type of person at all.
Qui-Gon: Takes after you.
Obi-Wan: Takes after me? What about takes after you?
Qui-Gon: It's entirely an insult, you know.
Obi-Wan thinks for a second.
Obi-Wan: Maybe not.
Qui-Gon: He's not such a bad kid.
Obi-Wan: Easy for you to say! He's not your apprentice.
Rebecca starts to walk away from Skip to the mountain.
Skip: Hey! Where are you going?
Rebecca: To search the mountain. Like we're SUPPOSED to be doing.
Skip: Well, what do you expect me to do about it?
Rebecca looks at him strangely.
Rebecca: Nothing. I was all set to leave you right there.
She continues to walk off, carefully, staying in the shadows. Skip hesitates, and then follows.
Skip: I want you to know I'm only following you cause Obi-Wan would kill me if something happened to you.
Rebecca: Oh good.
Skip walks faster, overtaking her.
Rebecca: Why do you have to be in front?
Skip: Because. I'm the oldest.
Rebecca: Big deal. You're also the stupidest.
Skip stops suddenly. Rebecca almost runs into him.
Skip: SHhh!
Rebecca: I wasn't talking.
Skip: Shut up! I can see a ship.
Rebecca goes around a couple of trees and sees what he's talking about: a rather large imperial transport.
Rebecca: Come on. Let's get closer.
Skip: Don't be an idiot! There could be someone dangerous on there.
Rebecca: Exactly.
Skip: Well, then..I'll go onto the ship. You stay here and get Obi-Wan if something happens to me.
Rebecca: Why should you go?
Skip is already halfway to the ship. He sneaks into the ship. He ducks into the first room he comes by. There is someone sitting in a chair there, twiddling with a lightsaber.
Person: What are you doing in here?
Skip: (frantically) How can you see me? I'm supposed to be invisible!
Person: Your invisibility needs work.
Skip: Who are you?
Person: First tell me who you are, and why I shouldn't turn you in right now.
Skip: I'm skip. And you shouldn't turn me in because...because..because you're a nice person?
Person: Not quite the answer I was looking for.
Skip: Now tell me who YOU are.
Lance: My name is lance. I'm Darth Vader's very superior apprentice.
Skip: Lance? What kind of a name is that. You sound like some sort of ancient weapon.
Lance: Don't push me. You have no idea what I'm capable of.
Skip: So you're the one who moved that mountain.
Lance: Yes. I take pride in that accomplishment. I thought of using it to squash Vader, but I decided not to.
Skip: Teach me how to do that.
Lance: No. Vader will be back soon. You'd better be leaving.
Skip: You won't tell him about me, will you?
Lance: If you don't tell your master about me.
Skip: Deal!
They shake hands.
Skip leaves and meets Rebecca outside the ship.
Skip: There wasn't anyone there.
Rebecca: You sure spent an awfully long time checking out an empty ship.
Skip: I..was..just...VERY thorough.
Rebecca: Yeah. Sure.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon walk silently through a forest. Suddenly they round a corner and enter a clearing only to find a huge cliff staring them in the face.
Qui-Gon: I guess here is where we turn back.
Obi-Wan: can't we get up there somehow?
Qui-Gon: Well, yes, I'm sure its possible, but I don't believe we'll find anything.
Obi-Wan: What makes you think that?
Qui-Gon: Just a feeling.
Obi-Wan: Well.if you say so. Let's go see if Skip found anything.
They walk back in the direction they had come from.
Skip, rebecca, obi-wan, and qui-gon meet up in a clearing.
Obi-Wan: So, did you guys find anything.
Rebecca: Well, we---
Skip(puts his hand firmly across her mouth): --most definitely did not find anything. Nope. Nothing at all. Very definite nothingness. Extremely emphatic emptiness.
Obi-Wan: Skip...
Skip: Well, okay, so maybe we found a ship, but just a small one, and there was absolutely positively nobody on it. Nobody at all. Yeah. NO one.
Rebecca pulls Skip's hand away.
Rebecca: Am I the only one who thinks he's hiding something?
Qui-Gon: (pointedly) Oh, I'm sure Skip wouldn't LIE to us.
Rebecca: Oh yes he would-
Skip puts his hand back over her mouth.
Skip: --not. Oh yes he would not, that's what she was about to say, right? So let's just leave now, why don't we? No point in staying here any longer!
Qui-Gon: Just let me speak to obi-wan for a minute. Privately.
Qui-Gon and obi-wan walk away from them.
Rebecca: Now see what you've done?
Skip: WHAT? I didn't do anything. If you'd just played along everything would have gone just fine.
Rebecca: Oh, I seriously doubt that. You could definitely use some acting lessons.
Skip: As though YOU could have done any better.
Obi-Wan: What do you think?
Qui-Gon: He's hiding something, all right.
Obi-wan: Tell me something I don't know.
Qui-Gon: He could definitely use some acting lessons.
Obi-wan: (sarcastically) I'll see what I can do.
Qui-Gon: I vote we stay on this planet for a while until we can find out what got him all worked up.
Obi-Wan: My thoughts exactly. But we'll have to keep him busy and out of our way while we do some searching.
Qui-Gon: Why don't you just put him in charge of training the new apprentices?
Obi-Wan: I don't know that that's the greatest idea you've ever had. (looks significantly over at Skip and rebecca, who are busy glaring at each other)
Qui-Gon: Well, if you come up with something better, let me know.
Obi-Wan: Personally, I doubt that it'll keep him distracted enough to not wonder where we're going, but I guess it's the best plan we've got.
They walk back over and the four of them head back to the ship.
Obi-Wan and skip sit down at a small table within the ship and study some documents.
Obi-Wan: So, skip.I've got some news for you.and I think I'd better break this to you gently.
Skip: Uh....
Obi-Wan: You are hereby in charge of training the new apprentices.
Skip: What! NO! You'd can't do this to me! I mean, I mean, I mean, there's got to be some law against a mere padawan training people! Please don't make meeeeeeeee!
Obi-Wan: There is no such law. Probably only because it was assumed that no Master would be stupid enough to put in apprentice in charge of such a vital thing as early training. But stupidity or no stupidity, this is my decision.
Qui-Gon walks in, with rebecca and aaron.
Rebecca: What are you people talking about?
Qui-Gon: My superior sense of intuition tells me that Skip has just been informed that he is now in charge of training you two.
Rebecca: What! NO! You can't do this to me! I mean, I mean, I mean, there's got to be some law against a mere padawan training people!
Obi-Wan: (grinning a bit) There is no such law.
Lance is sitting at the same table he was before, eating potato chips.(
DV walks in.
Darth Vader: What are you doing?
Lance: Eating potato chips. Duh.
Vader: There has been a visitor here. I can sense it, Darth Sirbez.
Lance: My NAME is Lance.
Vader: Who has been here? ANSWER ME(
Lance: you're sensing things, Master.
Vader: Do not speak to me like that! Someone has been here.
Lance: Yeah. Me.
He walks toward Vader, pats him on the back, and walks out of the room.
Han, Luke, Leia are on the Millenium Falcon.
Luke: How much longer?
Leia: About four hours.
Luke: How much longer?
Leia: Han, give him his medicine.
Han: No way! He bit me last time I did that, remember? (holds up a bandaged hand)
Leia: Well, I'm not giving it to him.
Luke: How much longer?
Han: You mean until we get there, or until I knock you unconscious?
Luke: Uh...
Suddenly, the Millenium Falcon reverts to realspace. Immediately Han jumps up and starts checking the computer displays.
Luke: Oooooh, big ship!
Han: I have a bad feeling about this.
Leia: you say that way too much, you know.
Han: Yeah, but this time I really mean it. That's an Interdictor Cruiser. Only the Empire uses them.
Evil Music
Leia: Can you get us out of here?
Han: No. That star destroyer has got its tractor beam on us.
Leia: I've got a bad feeling about this.
On the imperial star destroyer:
Grand Admiral Kazaki: They fell right into our trap.
Aki: Yes, sir. Um, but sir..
Kazaki (sigh): Yes, Commander?
Aki: I can't help but say, sir, that I have a very bad feeling about this.
Skip and aaron and rebecca are in a room on the SparrowHawk. Skip glares at them.
Skip: So, we're going to do some, um, lightsaber practice.
Rebecca: Why?
Skip: Because I said so.
Rebecca: Why?
Skip: Well, my brain fired a neurotransmittion to my mouth, which opened.
Rebecca: Why?
Skip: Is it just me or are you starting to sound like luke?
Rebecca: Why?
Skip: Well, he always sounds like an idiot, and you're starting to sound like an idiot too.
Rebecca: Not as much as you are.
Skip: Shut up.
rebecca: Why?
Skip: I wonder if anybody has any of Luke's medicine around here?
Aaron: Um.can we.um, you know, start practicing, maybe?
Simultaneously:
Skip: Yes.
Rebecca: No.
Obi-wan enters the room.
Obi-Wan: Made any progress?
Skip: Oh, yeah. Plenty.
Rebecca: Yeah. We're really moving along here.
Obi-wan: Well, I think I'll just sit here and watch you for a while.
Note: this story treats luke like a total idiot, so beware
another note: don't try to fit this into the star wars timeline or you will just go crazy
Star Wars Episode 0.5:
The Jedi are trying hard to rebuild their order and to bring justice back to the galaxy. Jedi Knights Obi-Wan Kenobi and Qui-Gon Jinn, who has now grown old but is still strong with the force, are the leaders of this mission. They have gathered promising youth from throughout the galaxy and have set up a school to train them
The threat of the Empire is never far from even the young Jedi students. Darth Vader, too, has found an apprentice. He will grow strong under his master's guidance.
The rebel alliance continues their work, in conjunction with the new Jedi Order. The Empire has been unusually passive lately, and the alliance grows fearful of a new attack.
In outer space:
A huge ship hurtles through space. On its bridge:
Vader: What is our approximate time of arrival at the Ersp system?
Aki: We should be there in 15 minutes, my lord.
Aki leaves. A young boy steps forward. He is thirteen years old.
Boy: Why are we going to that place?
Vader: It is a good place for training. It is where I was trained.
Boy: Why would I wanna go where you were?
Vader: You don't have a choice.
Boy: Talk about inflated ego. I don't have to do what you say just 'cause you want it.
Vader: You are my apprentice, Darth Sirbez.
Boy: Don't call me that. My name is Lance.
Vader: You have no say in the matter!
Darth Vader swirls away and stalks out of the room. Lance leans against a wall and laughs to himself.
Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi stand in a large, plain room and survey two young children, a boy and a girl, about the same age as Lance. One older boy stands behind them.
Qui-Gon: It's not much, but it'll have to do for now.
Obi-Wan: It is a promising pair. Skip, what do you think?
Skip walks over to them and shrugs his shoulders.
Skip: I don't know what to look for. Seem fine to me. Not nearly as good as I am, of course.
Qui-Gon: That boy reminds me much of you, Obi-Wan.
Skip and Obi-Wan, simultaneously: I resent that.
Qui-Gon: Well excuse me.
Obi-Wan: Personally, Master, I think he is most like you.
Qui-Gon: Really, Obi-Wan! What could possibly make you think that? Actually I quite agree with you. I was much like Skip when I was younger; in fact, I still am much like him.
Obi-Wan: The children are waiting.
Qui-Gon: yes, of course.
Qui-Gon walks closer to the 2 kids and clears his throat.
Qui-Gon: You are both agreed that you wish to become Jedi, are you not?
The boy and the girl both nod.
Qui-Gon: Well, then, follow me.
He leads them through a door into a supply room.
Obi-Wan takes two sets of apprentice clothes off a rack, two practice lightsabers, and some books. He presents them to the kids. They take the things wordlessly.
Skip: Geesh, don't you guys ever talk?
Obi-Wan: Don't harass them, Skip.
The group continues down the hall. The boy and girl stare around in wonder at the place they are in.
Qui-Gon reaches two doors and opens them.
Qui-Gon: these are your rooms. Aaron, you're in here. Rebecca's in the other room. I hope you find your accommodations comfortable.
Qui-Gon starts to walk away, leaving Aaron and Rebecca there. Obi-Wan follows. Skip stays; it is his job to make sure the two are all right. Without asking permission, he follows Aaron into his room and saunters over to the small cot and sits down there.
Skip: So, what's up?
Aaron doesn't answer. He is flipping through the books that Obi-Wan gave him.
Skip: So, that girl, she your sister or something?
Aaron shakes his head slightly but doesn't look up from the book.
Aaron: I don't even know her.
Skip: Ah-ha! So you do talk.
He gets no answer.
Skip: But not very much.
Silence.
Skip: Well, if you don't mind, I'll be leaving now.
Skip starts to walk towards the door, looking back over his shoulder a few times to make sure Aaron isn't going to say anything, then shrugs his shoulders and closes the door behind him. Without knocking he goes into Rebecca's room. She, like Aaron, is engrossed in the books.
Rebecca: Don't you know better than to just walk into a girl's room without knocking?
Skip (ignoring her comment): So, this one talks a bit more, huh?
Rebecca rolls her eyes at him, silently.
Skip: Cause that guy in the room next door sure doesn't say much.
He walks looks over her shoulder at the book she's reading.
Skip: Ah.Uh-huh.The art of the lightsaber, huh? Fancy being a warrior, do you?
Rebecca: That is what I'm here for.
Skip: Oh, come on. You can't be a warrior.
Rebecca: Wanna bet?
Skip: You're a girl. Girls can't be warriors.
Rebecca angrily slams the book shut.
Rebecca: Get out of here!
Skip: Geesh, Sorry.
Just then someone knocks on the door. Obi-Wan enters.
Obi-Wan: Skip! We just got some urgent news. Follow me.
The millennium falcon hurtles through space. It is headed toward a small remote planet.
Leia: Are you sure this is the right place?
Han: Of course I'm sure!
Leia raises one eyebrow.
Han: Okay, okay, so I'm only sort of sure. But it's probably the right one.
Leia: They told us to meet them on a planet in the Urvep System. That's where we are, isn't it?
Han: Yeah..according to my calculations.
Leia: Your calculations? In that case, it's probably NOT the right planet.
Han: You're probably right. Doesn't look like a very nice place for a Jedi Temple anyway.
Luke walks into the cockpit.
Luke: They're not there. It's not the right place.
Han: Princess, did you give him his medicine today?
Leia: No. Did you?
Han: No.
Leia: Then why is he acting so smart? I mean, smart for Luke.
Han: Maybe he found the bottle and took some himself.
Leia: Oh great. Anyway, Luke, how do you know they're not there.
Luke: I could have felt their presence if they were.
Han reads something on the computer screen.
Han: That's weird. The coordinates check out with what Obi-Wan told us. This should be it.
Leia: Land the ship and let's take a look around.
Skip follows hurriedly behind Obi-Wan. They reach the conference room. Just outside the door Skip tugs on Obi-Wan's robe. Obi-Wan turns to him.
Skip: Why do I have to come to the meeting? I'm only an apprentice still.
Obi-Wan: But you're MY apprentice. And I think you should come.
They go into the conference room, where are seated Yoda, Qui-Gon, and one other councilor.
Qui-Gon stands up.
Qui-Gon: Good. You're back. Now everybody needs to listen close-this could be important.
Yoda: No. Wait a minute, you will. Tell me, young Jedi, doing well are the new apprentices?
Skip: Yeah, sure, they're great. I don't think that girl likes me very much.
Obi-Wan: I don't blame her.
Skip: But that's not really important, let's here whatever this is qui-Gon has to say.
Qui-Gon: Why so eager, Skip?
Skip: It sounds like there might be an adventure coming up!
Qui-Gon: You may well be right. But look here. You all know that the empire has been unusually quiescent of late. But lately there has been an unusual amount of imperial activity in this sector-
A map appears on the wall behind him, and he turns, pointing to a small section that is now highlighted in red.
Qui-Gon: As yet we have no way of knowing what they're up to. But knowing Vader and all his cronies, it's probably something we won't like. There are quite a few people living in that area and they may need help. We need someone to go and see what's going on there.
Obi-Wan: I've already volunteered to go. As my apprentice, of course, Skip will come also. And I'd like to take the two new apprentices with me as well. It would be a valuable experience.
Qui-Gon: I would also like to go.
Yoda: Not too old, are you, Qui-Gon?
Qui-Gon: Hah! I'm not even half of a quarter as old as you are.
Obi-Wan: I'd be honored if my old master would accompany me.
Yoda: Good. Tomorrow, you will leave.
The session is adjourned and the Jedi begin to leave. After a few moments only Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Skip are left.
Obi-Wan: Skip, go down and make sure those new kids are comfortable and everything, okay?
Skip: But I just did! They're perfectly fine.
Obi-Wan: Just go see if they need anything. They might have some questions about those books and things.
Skip leaves, grumbling. Qui-Gon starts to leave also.
Obi-Wan: Wait a minute, qui-Gon, I want to have a word with you.
Qui-Gon turns back to him, raising one eyebrow.
Qui-Gon: What is it?
Obi-Wan: There's something you're not saying about that imperial activity.
Qui-Gon: Perceptive of you. You've truly grown strong in the force since you left me, or rather since I left you.
Obi-Wan: What is it that you're not telling?
Qui-Gon sits down at the table again.
Qui-Gon: I feel a strange disturbance in the force there.
Obi-Wan: Another dark lord, Master?
Qui-Gon: You really shouldn't call me Master anymore.
Obi-Wan: Speaking of dark lords, you know, I was right about Anakin, wasn't I? I think you owe me an apology.
Qui-Gon folds his arms stubbornly.
Qui-Gon: I must certainly don't owe you any apology. That boy was a devious dark lord; he probably tricked me into thinking he was all right.
Obi-Wan: Oh, please, Master, this is an inappropriate time for humor. What about that disturbance?
Qui-Gon: It does indeed feel like another Dark Lord. A powerful one, but whose power is still growing.
Obi-Wan: An apprentice?
Qui-Gon: Quite possible. Though I'm sure he is young, he seems already almost as powerful as Vader himself. But.
Obi-Wan: But what?
Qui-Gon: The strange thing about this disturbance.it feels as though the boy is still unsure about whether to remain light or dark.
Obi-Wan: Do you think it is too late to bring him to the Light?
Qui-Gon: I'm afraid it probably is. But still.
Qui-Gon shrugs. The two Jedi stand up and walk towards the door. When they open it they expose Skip with his ear pressed against the door.
Obi-Wan: Eavesdropping, huh?
Skip: Yep. Thought you might be talking about me or something.
Qui-Gon: yes, of course we were talking about you: Darth Skip, the infamous Dark Lord!
Obi-wan: Don't give him any ideas.
Skip: Don't give him any ideas.
Obi-Wan: Do you see what I have to deal with every day?
Skip: Do you see what I have to deal with every day?
Luke and Han and Leia emerge from the Millennium falcon on the planet called Urp.
Han: This has GOT to be the right planet. The coordinates match perfectly. So where is the base?
Luke: Oh where, oh where, has my little dog gone, oh where oh where can he be?
Leia: Hey, wait a second. Wasn't he acting smart just a second ago?
Han: yeah. But you never know what to expect with Luke.
Leia: This is making me nervous. Last time he started singing about dogs we almost got eaten by giant canines.
Luke: BINGO BINGO BINGO and bingo was his name-o.
Leia: Han, are you SURE that guy who gave you those coordinates was obi- wan.
Han: Actually I'm quite sure he wasn't. It was some other guy relaying a message he said was from Obi-Wan.
Leia shakes her head unbelievingly.
Leia: Sometimes I wonder if you're not just as stupid as Luke. You led us right into a trap!
Han: A trap? What do you mean by that?
Leia: Are you blind or something? I can't believe you actually trusted that guy! You've taken us right where the empire wants us.
Han hits himself on the head.
Han: The empire! Of course! Why didn't I realize?
Leia: I could give you quite a few reasons that you probably don't want to hear.
Han: What are you talking about?
Leia: I don't think I'll say all the words I could apply to you just now. They might damage your self-esteem.
Luke: I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, everybody's nerves, I know a song that gets on everybody's nerves, and this is how it goes..
Leia: We'd better get back to the ship and hope we can make it off this planet before they spot us.
Han: I think it's a little too late for that...
Up in the sky a group of fighters roars toward them, firing laser blasts.
Leia: Get to the ship! Quickly! Luke, come on!
The three leap onto the ship they take off with the fighters hot on their trail.
Luke: Oh dear! Oh my! I think I swallowed a fly! Oh dear! Oh my! I think I'm going to cry!
The Millennium Falcon continues to evade the laserbolts from the fighters, and soon blasts into hyperspace.
A small imperial transport lands on the jungled planet of Eerch, in the Ersp System. Darth Vader and Lance emerge.
Vader: Look around you, Darth Sirbez. This is where you will be trained to succeed me as the greatest dark lord in the universe.
Lance: My name is Lance.
Vader: Follow me.
Lance: Why?
Vader: Because I am telling you to.
Lance: Big deal.
Vader menacingly makes a short gesture and Lance begins to choke, but only for a second. He shrugs the curse off and sends it right back at Vader. Vader starts choking, and Lance releases him.
Lance: Don't ever try anything like that on me, all right?
Vader: Darth Sirbez! You are my apprentice! You will not behave in that way.
Lance: My name is Lance.
Vader silently leads him to a house in the woods.
Vader: Go on inside. This will be your home while you are in training.
Lance: This old place? You expect ME to live there? And I guess you'll just go off and build yourself a mansion to live in, huh?
Vader: I will be sharing this house with you.
Lance stares at him in mock dismay.
Lance: Never! I would sooner murder you than share a house with you. That doesn't say much though, because I've always wanted and will always want to murder you.
Vader: You will never be strong enough to kill me, Darth Sirbez.
Lance: My name is lance. And I already AM strong enough to kill you. You know I've been doing some reading. You're actually one of the weakest dark Lords in the history of the Galaxy!
For the second time, Vader angrily swirls away into the forest, leaving Lance at the cabin by himself. He smiles wickedly and says to the walls around him, in mocked exasperation: Will he never learn?
Skip walks into the landing dock where the ship they will be taking is. It is fairly large. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon are already there with Aaron and Rebecca.
Skip: Let's get on! Come on! Adventure here I come!
Obi-Wan: You know, skip, its probably not actually going to be a very adventuresome journey. Were just going to take a quick look around the sector and see what's happening.
Skip: Yeah, sure, that's what they all say.
Skip runs into the ship and sits down at the controls, excitedly looking over the control panel.
Skip: Hey, this ship's weird!
Qui-Gon: (appearing behind him) It's built in the style of an imperial ship. We feel it's safest if we don't get noticed while where on this little reconnaissance mission.
Obi-Wan and the two apprentices get on a sit down.
Obi-Wan: Well, let's get going. Skip and I will be the pilots, so the rest of you can pretty much just relax until we get there.
Qui-Gon: Relax! Never! I'm going to take these two guys down to the cabin for a few lessons.
Skip and Obi-Wan work at the computer, getting the coordinates for hyperspace.
Skip: Hey! This is just like old times. You and me together flying off on a new mission.
Obi-Wan: Don't remind me.
Skip: Do you think we'll meet up with Vader again?
Obi-Wan: It's possible.
Skip: Cool! Now I can kill him off for good. First I'll chop his arms off, then I'll cut open his stomach and pull out all his intestines. Then I'll slowly chop him up, starting from the toes, so he dies in horrible pain.
Obi-Wan: Violent child.
Skip: Sorry.
Obi-Wan: You're not really sorry, are you?
Skip: No.
Obi-Wan: I know you far too well.
Leia: So, genius, look what you got us into.
Han: Hey! I may have gotten us into it, but I got us out of it, too, so I think I deserve some thanks.
Leia: No you don't. Where are we going now?
Han: I dunno. We don't really have anywhere TO go.
Leia: See if you can get Obi-Wan or someone on the comlink. Maybe they can tell us where they Actually are.
Han: Okay.
Han types some stuff on the computer and picks up the com.
Han: Hello? Anyone there? This is Han Solo! Hello?
Voice: What IS it? We were just about to take off.
Han: Obi-Wan? Is that you?
Voice: Geee, I dunno. Is it?
Han: Just tell me who you are.
Voice: You may call me..Cornelius III.
Other voice (fainter): Skip, come on, give the guy a break.
Han: There you are, obi-wan. We need a little help.
Obi-Wan (clearer now): What can I do for you?
Han: We'd like to know where you've set up your little Jedi Temple thing.
Obi-Wan: Where are you currently located?
Han: Just off of the Spirek system.
Skip: Well, then, take a left turn at Yyvor, and then head straight past Hubi, make sure you look both ways at the crossroads by Utged, and don't run the red light at Gutfe, then make a U-turn by Actille, and head straight for about 6.4 lightyears until you get to Ilf. Make sure you don't run into Dertmon. It's kind of small.
Obi-Wan: Just ignore him. We're the third planet in the system Sullyed. You can't miss it; it's the only green planet for lightyears.
Han: Okay. Thanks a lot.
Obi-Wan: You're welcome. And don't mind Skip. He's always like that.
Skip: Yep!
Qui-Gon led the apprentices into a cabin that was rather dull and sparsely furnitured.
Qui-Gon: Have a seat.
They did.
Qui-Gon: So, where shall we start? Do you really even know what the force is?
They nod.
Qui-Gon: Well, that's good. We're not quite at ground zero. Hmmmm..Hand me one of your books.
Aaron gives him one. Closing his eyes, Qui-Gon flips randomly to a page. He looks at it.
Qui-Gon: Aaah.the warrior arts. Well, why not? Let's start here.
They watch him.
Qui-Gon: You know, I can see how Skip could find your silence disconcerting.
Rebecca: Can girls be warriors?
Qui-Gon: Sure.
Rebecca: Oh.
Qui-Gon digs out two practice wooden lightsabers from somewhere.
Qui-Gon: Take them.
They do.
Qui-Gon: Hold them with both hands together, your left hand on top if you're left handed.
They both put their hands correctly.
Qui-Gon: Good. Nobody asked what to do if they were right handed. There are some people who wouldn't have been able to figure that out.
Rebecca: Like who?
Qui-Gon: Well, the name Luke Skywalker comes to mind.but never mind that. Aaron, lend me your saber. Rebecca, come here. We're going to practice some striking and blocking. You'll get the hang of it really fast, I'm sure.
They start practicing.
Skip and Obi-Wan are in the cockpit. Skip puts his feet up on the control panel.
Obi-Wan: Skip, get your feet off the control panel.
Skip: Why? I can steer the ship just as well with my feet as with my hands.
Obi-Wan: We're going to be there soon. As soon as pull out of hyperspace, pay careful attention to what's going on all around us.
Watching a meter that is quickly ticking off numbers, Obi-Wan carefully eases the ship back into realspace.
Immediately they are surrounded by ships, big and small.
Skip: What's going on here?
Obi-Wan: That's what we're here to find out.
Vader and Lance are on the planet.
Vader: See if you can lift that rock over there.
Lance: That's Stupid!
Vader: Darth Sirbez! Do not use such vulgar language.
Lance: My NAME is Lance. And that wasn't vulgar language. On the other hand, if you'd like to hear some vulgar language, I'd be glad to oblige.
Vader: Now lift the Rock!!
Lance concentrates and lifts the whole mountain.
Vader: Concentrate! I said the rock, not the whole mountain!
Lance drops it on their cabin.
Lance: The rock was ON the mountain.
Vader: Fine. OK. Great. The lesson's over for today.
On Obi-Wan's ship:
Obi-Wan: (suddenly) Go to that planet.
Skip: Why?
Obi-Wan: I feel a disturbance there.
Skip: Okey-Dokey. Whatever you say.
The ship moves into the planet's atmosphere.
Skip: Hey, look! That mountain's moving!
Obi-Wan: Don't be silly. Mountains don't just get up and walk around.
Skip: That one does!
They land. On the mountain.
Obi-Wan: Now I see what Qui-Gon meant. I can definitely feel something very.odd.
Skip: Oooooops..That wouldn't be that Jello I ACCIDENTALLY spilled on your chair, would it?
Obi-Wan: Great, Skip. Now I have to confront the Dark Side with green Jello all over my pants. Go get qui-Gon and the others, will you?
Skip leaves and Obi-Wan gets up and checks the seat behind him for Jello. He rolls his eyes when he sees that Skip was joking.
Skip brings them back.
Obi-Wan: I think this is where that disturbance you felt is centered, Qui- Gon.
Qui-Gon: Yes. It is much stronger here.
Obi-Wan: Those two apprentices can stay on the ship, and the rest of us can go find Darth Vader and his little friend.
Rebecca: How come HE gets to go?
Obi-Wan: You can come if you want to face almost certain death.
Rebecca: Okay. I'll come.
Skip: NOOOOOOOO!! You're not actually going to let her come, are you?
Obi-Wan: Why shouldn't I?
Skip: Because I say so.
Obi-wan: Never mind him. He's just got a bit of an attitude problem.
Skip: Hey!
Obi-Wan: It's true.
Aaron: Um.I'll stay here and guard the ship, I guess.
They leave the ship.
Obi-Wan: Let's check around that mountain. The dark force is strong there.
Skip: That's it! That's the mountain that moved.
Obi-Wan: I'm starting to think that's not too unlikely, after I felt that power.
Qui-Gon: I wouldn't put something like that past a dark lord.
Skip: I bet if I tried, I could move an even bigger mountain than any Dark Lord!!!
Rebecca: I bet you couldn't.
Skip ignores her.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon exchange glances.
Qui-Gon: I've got a splendid idea. Let's split. Rebecca and Skip go one way and we'll go the other.
They both stare at him. Qui-Gon smiles at them rather evilly and walks away with obi-wan. They both walk quickly behind some trees, and when they are safely out of sight, obi-wan bursts out laughing.
Obi-Wan: You are evil, Qui-Gon. Truly evil.
Qui-Gon smiles wickedly for a second and then turns more serious.
Qui-Gon: But it was necessary. They need to resolve their differences so we can concentrate on the mission at hand.
Obi-Wan: Trust me, Skip won't be that eager to forgive and forget. He's not that type of person at all.
Qui-Gon: Takes after you.
Obi-Wan: Takes after me? What about takes after you?
Qui-Gon: It's entirely an insult, you know.
Obi-Wan thinks for a second.
Obi-Wan: Maybe not.
Qui-Gon: He's not such a bad kid.
Obi-Wan: Easy for you to say! He's not your apprentice.
Rebecca starts to walk away from Skip to the mountain.
Skip: Hey! Where are you going?
Rebecca: To search the mountain. Like we're SUPPOSED to be doing.
Skip: Well, what do you expect me to do about it?
Rebecca looks at him strangely.
Rebecca: Nothing. I was all set to leave you right there.
She continues to walk off, carefully, staying in the shadows. Skip hesitates, and then follows.
Skip: I want you to know I'm only following you cause Obi-Wan would kill me if something happened to you.
Rebecca: Oh good.
Skip walks faster, overtaking her.
Rebecca: Why do you have to be in front?
Skip: Because. I'm the oldest.
Rebecca: Big deal. You're also the stupidest.
Skip stops suddenly. Rebecca almost runs into him.
Skip: SHhh!
Rebecca: I wasn't talking.
Skip: Shut up! I can see a ship.
Rebecca goes around a couple of trees and sees what he's talking about: a rather large imperial transport.
Rebecca: Come on. Let's get closer.
Skip: Don't be an idiot! There could be someone dangerous on there.
Rebecca: Exactly.
Skip: Well, then..I'll go onto the ship. You stay here and get Obi-Wan if something happens to me.
Rebecca: Why should you go?
Skip is already halfway to the ship. He sneaks into the ship. He ducks into the first room he comes by. There is someone sitting in a chair there, twiddling with a lightsaber.
Person: What are you doing in here?
Skip: (frantically) How can you see me? I'm supposed to be invisible!
Person: Your invisibility needs work.
Skip: Who are you?
Person: First tell me who you are, and why I shouldn't turn you in right now.
Skip: I'm skip. And you shouldn't turn me in because...because..because you're a nice person?
Person: Not quite the answer I was looking for.
Skip: Now tell me who YOU are.
Lance: My name is lance. I'm Darth Vader's very superior apprentice.
Skip: Lance? What kind of a name is that. You sound like some sort of ancient weapon.
Lance: Don't push me. You have no idea what I'm capable of.
Skip: So you're the one who moved that mountain.
Lance: Yes. I take pride in that accomplishment. I thought of using it to squash Vader, but I decided not to.
Skip: Teach me how to do that.
Lance: No. Vader will be back soon. You'd better be leaving.
Skip: You won't tell him about me, will you?
Lance: If you don't tell your master about me.
Skip: Deal!
They shake hands.
Skip leaves and meets Rebecca outside the ship.
Skip: There wasn't anyone there.
Rebecca: You sure spent an awfully long time checking out an empty ship.
Skip: I..was..just...VERY thorough.
Rebecca: Yeah. Sure.
Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon walk silently through a forest. Suddenly they round a corner and enter a clearing only to find a huge cliff staring them in the face.
Qui-Gon: I guess here is where we turn back.
Obi-Wan: can't we get up there somehow?
Qui-Gon: Well, yes, I'm sure its possible, but I don't believe we'll find anything.
Obi-Wan: What makes you think that?
Qui-Gon: Just a feeling.
Obi-Wan: Well.if you say so. Let's go see if Skip found anything.
They walk back in the direction they had come from.
Skip, rebecca, obi-wan, and qui-gon meet up in a clearing.
Obi-Wan: So, did you guys find anything.
Rebecca: Well, we---
Skip(puts his hand firmly across her mouth): --most definitely did not find anything. Nope. Nothing at all. Very definite nothingness. Extremely emphatic emptiness.
Obi-Wan: Skip...
Skip: Well, okay, so maybe we found a ship, but just a small one, and there was absolutely positively nobody on it. Nobody at all. Yeah. NO one.
Rebecca pulls Skip's hand away.
Rebecca: Am I the only one who thinks he's hiding something?
Qui-Gon: (pointedly) Oh, I'm sure Skip wouldn't LIE to us.
Rebecca: Oh yes he would-
Skip puts his hand back over her mouth.
Skip: --not. Oh yes he would not, that's what she was about to say, right? So let's just leave now, why don't we? No point in staying here any longer!
Qui-Gon: Just let me speak to obi-wan for a minute. Privately.
Qui-Gon and obi-wan walk away from them.
Rebecca: Now see what you've done?
Skip: WHAT? I didn't do anything. If you'd just played along everything would have gone just fine.
Rebecca: Oh, I seriously doubt that. You could definitely use some acting lessons.
Skip: As though YOU could have done any better.
Obi-Wan: What do you think?
Qui-Gon: He's hiding something, all right.
Obi-wan: Tell me something I don't know.
Qui-Gon: He could definitely use some acting lessons.
Obi-wan: (sarcastically) I'll see what I can do.
Qui-Gon: I vote we stay on this planet for a while until we can find out what got him all worked up.
Obi-Wan: My thoughts exactly. But we'll have to keep him busy and out of our way while we do some searching.
Qui-Gon: Why don't you just put him in charge of training the new apprentices?
Obi-Wan: I don't know that that's the greatest idea you've ever had. (looks significantly over at Skip and rebecca, who are busy glaring at each other)
Qui-Gon: Well, if you come up with something better, let me know.
Obi-Wan: Personally, I doubt that it'll keep him distracted enough to not wonder where we're going, but I guess it's the best plan we've got.
They walk back over and the four of them head back to the ship.
Obi-Wan and skip sit down at a small table within the ship and study some documents.
Obi-Wan: So, skip.I've got some news for you.and I think I'd better break this to you gently.
Skip: Uh....
Obi-Wan: You are hereby in charge of training the new apprentices.
Skip: What! NO! You'd can't do this to me! I mean, I mean, I mean, there's got to be some law against a mere padawan training people! Please don't make meeeeeeeee!
Obi-Wan: There is no such law. Probably only because it was assumed that no Master would be stupid enough to put in apprentice in charge of such a vital thing as early training. But stupidity or no stupidity, this is my decision.
Qui-Gon walks in, with rebecca and aaron.
Rebecca: What are you people talking about?
Qui-Gon: My superior sense of intuition tells me that Skip has just been informed that he is now in charge of training you two.
Rebecca: What! NO! You can't do this to me! I mean, I mean, I mean, there's got to be some law against a mere padawan training people!
Obi-Wan: (grinning a bit) There is no such law.
Lance is sitting at the same table he was before, eating potato chips.(
DV walks in.
Darth Vader: What are you doing?
Lance: Eating potato chips. Duh.
Vader: There has been a visitor here. I can sense it, Darth Sirbez.
Lance: My NAME is Lance.
Vader: Who has been here? ANSWER ME(
Lance: you're sensing things, Master.
Vader: Do not speak to me like that! Someone has been here.
Lance: Yeah. Me.
He walks toward Vader, pats him on the back, and walks out of the room.
Han, Luke, Leia are on the Millenium Falcon.
Luke: How much longer?
Leia: About four hours.
Luke: How much longer?
Leia: Han, give him his medicine.
Han: No way! He bit me last time I did that, remember? (holds up a bandaged hand)
Leia: Well, I'm not giving it to him.
Luke: How much longer?
Han: You mean until we get there, or until I knock you unconscious?
Luke: Uh...
Suddenly, the Millenium Falcon reverts to realspace. Immediately Han jumps up and starts checking the computer displays.
Luke: Oooooh, big ship!
Han: I have a bad feeling about this.
Leia: you say that way too much, you know.
Han: Yeah, but this time I really mean it. That's an Interdictor Cruiser. Only the Empire uses them.
Evil Music
Leia: Can you get us out of here?
Han: No. That star destroyer has got its tractor beam on us.
Leia: I've got a bad feeling about this.
On the imperial star destroyer:
Grand Admiral Kazaki: They fell right into our trap.
Aki: Yes, sir. Um, but sir..
Kazaki (sigh): Yes, Commander?
Aki: I can't help but say, sir, that I have a very bad feeling about this.
Skip and aaron and rebecca are in a room on the SparrowHawk. Skip glares at them.
Skip: So, we're going to do some, um, lightsaber practice.
Rebecca: Why?
Skip: Because I said so.
Rebecca: Why?
Skip: Well, my brain fired a neurotransmittion to my mouth, which opened.
Rebecca: Why?
Skip: Is it just me or are you starting to sound like luke?
Rebecca: Why?
Skip: Well, he always sounds like an idiot, and you're starting to sound like an idiot too.
Rebecca: Not as much as you are.
Skip: Shut up.
rebecca: Why?
Skip: I wonder if anybody has any of Luke's medicine around here?
Aaron: Um.can we.um, you know, start practicing, maybe?
Simultaneously:
Skip: Yes.
Rebecca: No.
Obi-wan enters the room.
Obi-Wan: Made any progress?
Skip: Oh, yeah. Plenty.
Rebecca: Yeah. We're really moving along here.
Obi-wan: Well, I think I'll just sit here and watch you for a while.
