Chapter VIII

            The silence was far too loud.  Yet even now I couldn't concentrate; my thoughts scattered like a dropped and forgotten string of pearls.  Oh, if only I could pull them together before they forever fell out of my reach!

                I didn't move from the door long after I had closed it.  Instead, I stood and rested my head against the hard wood, closing my eyes and drawing in precious breaths of air.  I could almost sense his presence through that door…So close, and yet I made no move to shorten that distance.  Even now, with Raoul's betrayal hanging over me like a black cloud of poison, I was powerless to be rid of the uncertainty.

                Raoul!  Oh, Raoul, how could you?  Was it so easy?  As easy as you claimed it to be as I was stumbling down your steps?  Did you truly leave right after I did, only not to follow, but to forever destroy my name to save yours…Was it only in your short anger?  Do you regret it now?  I confess that it would no longer matter…I will never forget.  Your ring is gone now, lost in some dark corner of the cellars.  If only I could shroud you away so easily.  The little boy who rescued my scarf and then tossed it back into the raging, icy sea…Leaving me to drown!  I will not break for you, Raoul!  What good would tears do me now?  How can I even bother with tears?

                How the cursed tears came!  I felt them on my cheeks and quickly brushed my fingers across my face to be rid of them.  Erik wouldn't want to see that I was crying over Raoul.  With light steps, I moved away from the door, sinking down on the small dressing bench in front of the mirror.  This time, I kept my eyes off my reflection.  I had seen it that morning, and with all the shame and despair inside of me now, I could no longer bear it.  So instead I stared down at my hands, white and trembling, simply lying across the lap of my favorite dress.  The dress I wore as I wrote the happy, flowery wedding invitations, the dress I wore when Erik told me of the most heart wrenching news since my dear father passed away, as I sat here now shaking.  Alone.

                I will never wear this dress again.

                A slight glint in the mirror caught my eye, and I raised my gaze only enough to see what it was.  The small ring on my finger looked so lost on my hand…A simple band of gold, still untarnished…Secure.  It replaced Raoul's so easily!  I had asked for it.  He asked me, and I said yes, I wanted the ring.  I truly did want it…But now, I began to notice, not only did this ring again grace my hand, but my very wedding finger.  Did that mean…Could it mean…I did not know, nor did I wish to.  Perhaps I should have said no as he once more offered me that ring, but in that moment, how could I have possibly refused?  Replacing rings meant nothing.  It was, in fact, a relief…But what did it mean to Erik?  Had he claimed me as his wife?  The finger he chose was a pointed sign, and once he leaned over to kiss me…Had I agreed to a silent vow I knew not of?  I could be bound to him and not realize!  Though I returned to him…And possessed his ring…It could no longer be my decision.  This concept did not frighten me as before, but rather the contrary.  I felt relieved that something was finally out of my hands.  All of my decisions lately had proved to be poor judgment…I no longer even trusted myself.  Erik was now all I could depend on, the only one I could trust, as much and now even more than Raoul.  Why did I not see that in the very beginning?  Was I blinded by pure stubbornness?  Raoul's blow had struck me blind, wrenching me from my castle of dreams and down to the ground again…Flailing into the Earth until I was finally caught by the only one who could manage such a feat.  My Angel of Music.

                The one question which remained in my head was how exactly Erik could do this for me.  I had left him that night with no intention of ever returning…Until he had asked that one last request.  I could not fool myself into thinking that I would have come back otherwise.  I was so eager and confused that night; Raoul's open arms seemed more than welcoming.  Now everything was drastically changed.  Never again could I run to Raoul for comfort.  I only had Erik.  And yet…

                And yet…It did not leave me alone; I did not dread remaining here as I had before.  Erik's dark rooms and lingering candlelight replaced Raoul's embrace.  My lips still trembled from the kiss.  If Erik were to close me in the gates once again, I strangely began to realize…I would be relieved.  I was safe here; Erik would keep me safe.  It was not a prison, but a shelter, hiding the fierce blows and insults that rained down from all of Paris…

                And yet…What was that look in his eyes as he had turned towards me just now?  A horrible glare—The very look that had always hid in my memory but returned at that moment.  I felt a spark of fear even at the remembrance…Why was he so angry?  Had Raoul come?  Did they trade arguments and shouts over that lake?

                No!  Raoul would not care about me anymore; why on Earth would he think to come here?  Did I even…No…I did not want him to.  Not anymore.  Perhaps it had been someone from the Opera…But what explained Erik's anger?  He didn't like anyone in his cellars; I understood that well enough, so that might be a valid explanation.  What did this unknown visitor want, then?  My side of the gossiping lies?  A pointless mockery?  Could Raoul have mentioned Erik in this tale—Though it may have been what some might have assumed!

                …Was it only an assumption?

                I had wanted him to kiss me.

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                A soft knock on the door made me jump.  I only looked at it for a moment, silently, then placed my brush back on the vanity table and stood.  As I opened the door, I tried to hide my expression which must have been so obvious before.  I had kissed him back, and my cheeks still burned with awkward embarrassment!

                With some reluctance, I met Erik's gaze and found that he was looking down at me, his eyes behind the mask thankfully calmer.  I began to feel myself relax.

"Christine, my dearest, I did not mean to frighten you."  His voice was soft, gentle, exactly the way it had been before…Before…

                I nodded and took a small wavering breath.  "It's…Alright…"  I looked up at him again, biting my lip a bit, trying to cover any nervousness.  "Who was that on the lake, Erik?"

                He stepped back from me so that I could come out of the doorway.  I did, slowly, finding immediately that I could not take my gaze from that one simple movement…I finally looked down to the floor.

"That was our old friend, the Persian."

                The Persian…I knew hardly anything of him.  Only that he had accompanied Raoul that fateful night straight into the Chamber of Tortures…I remembered him well even though we did not speak.  I had only thought him to be a friend of Erik's, though I did not know why he had betrayed him then…Or if he harbored ill will.

"Oh…Is everything all right?"

"Yes.  Or rather, it will be."

                I must have looked a bit bewildered at that, for he continued:

"He simply brought me some bad news."

                Bad news.  Those two words were enough to break away the very thin shield that hid my worry.  "What is it?"

                He brushed the question away with a wave of his hand.  "Nothing for you to worry about, sweet Christine, I shall soon set things right."

                It was amazing how those words could so easily put me at ease…I smiled faintly.  "Alright…It just…concerned me."

                Nevertheless, the fading of my anxiety simply brought more thoughts.  My cheeks were still flushed and pink, and my hands even continued to tremble slightly at the thought of him leaning down to kiss me again…

                My God!  I was going absolutely mad.

                He was still watching me, and his smooth, tranquil voice penetrated my shaky demeanor.

"Please forgive me, Christine."

                Dazed, I lifted my eyes to him, my voice as steady as a boat caught in a thunderstorm.  "For what?"

"I have frightened you…"  His eyes stayed on mine as I felt my heart in my throat.  "That is a crime I would never want to commit."

                I sighed softly, once again looking away, finding my voice fade to a near whisper.

"It's alright, Erik…Truly…"

                And it was.  I had only felt a moment of fear; it had already been forgotten…I even understood in those moments I stayed beyond the door.  I almost felt ashamed now for feeling so to begin with.

                His words only intensified my slight guilt.

"You should know that you have no reason to fear me…"

                I could not meet eyes, my face hot for a different reason this time.

"I would never…harm you…"

                Now my voice was barely audible even to myself.  "I know…I was just…surprised…"

                There was only a faint pause, and then: "Christine, would you like to travel?"

                I was taken aback by the sudden and rather abrupt question.  The very idea seemed odd, especially now.  "I…Travel?"

                Erik, however, remained rather calm.  "Yes…You…We…Together…Travel.  Somewhere far from all these bad memories."

                It sounded horribly tempting.  I did not want to stay here, knowing I could not show my face in the Opera, or even Paris, without encountering leering from all sides…Surrounding me…I did not want to stay in Raoul's cruel and backstabbing reach where I was at mercy to his humiliating stories and the hungry demands of the crowd. In Erik's house, I was safe…But not to be able to walk the streets at any time of the day…In fear…How long could I last that way?  How long could Erik?

"Yes…"

                I had not noticed that he had moved his hand until it took mine and I felt my breath catch.  His eyes stayed on my own, but he lifted my hand toward the lips of his mask…Then turned it so that my fingers barely twined through his…

                If only I could move…

"We could go anywhere you'd wish…" he said, quietly, and I marveled at the continuous and uninterrupted beauty of his voice…

"I would…like that, Erik."  My voice, however, held none of those qualities, nearly coming out as breathlessness.  Any of this would seem so unnerving before I had arrived yesterday, but now…

"Would you like to leave tomorrow?"

                So soon!…A small voice in the back of my head set off an alarm, but with all of my strength, I fought against it.  There was not a soon enough time to get away from Paris!

                I nodded firmly.  "Yes."

"Do you know where you would like to go?"

                I had not even thought of it.  The only importance was that it was far…Far away from here.

"I don't mind…Anywhere…"

                His tone was so kind now that the incident earlier had disappeared completely.  "You have a little time to think…"

                He finally stepped away from me, and I felt a new feeling of disappointment…

"You have eaten nothing today.  Are you hungry?"

                In-between all that had occurred, hunger had utterly vanished in my mind.  Even now, I felt nothing but slightly sick at the thought of food.  The last thing I had eaten was an elegant banquet at Raoul's estate…

                Crushed rose petals…I could still smell those beautiful flowers…Far after it has faded…

                I shivered a bit and shook my head.  "No.  Not really."

                Erik seemed satisfied with that answer, and for that I was grateful.  If he forced me to, I doubted I could eat more then a breadcrumb.

"You will tell me if you are?"

                Did I want him to kiss me?

"Of course."  I nodded, drawing in my breath carefully. 

                I was going completely mad.