III. Squashing a Bug

Alice wandered into the forest, just like last time. Only she didn't really remember that, it was more instinct. At this moment in time her mind was far away from what her body was doing. She was thinking of the White Rabbit. The pathetic fool had practically had a heart attack before she'd gotten to him. He always was a nervous little fellow. Well I bet he's sorry he enticed me down the rabbit hole now! She thought. The thought struck her as funny and she started to laugh, a little chortle at first, which then grew and grew to become full out insane maniacal laughter. Ahhhhh revenge certainly was sweet. And it could only get better from here. She decided to save the Queen for last; it certainly would be satisfying to see the look on the old hag's face when she realized no one was around to help her and she could scream all she wanted. No one would hear her.

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Just a few minutes away, sitting on a humongous toadstool, was a caterpillar. He was smoking some extremely good pot. He had been very happy and mellow, as he always was while puffing at his bong. Because of his good mood he had been in his skin had been a wonderful, pinkish color. Unfortunately, and unknown voice had spoiled his mood. Not ten seconds ago loud, crazy laughter had echoed through the forest and reached his ears. It was frightening, because of it's proximity and it's psychotic sound. Soon his shade changed from that lovely, pinkish color to a pale, sickly yellow. The drugs amplified his mood and soon he was imagining murders everywhere. If he hadn't been stoned he would've thought what he was doing was weird, because no one was ever really killed in Wonderland, it was all pretend. At least that's how it always had been since he could remember.

He curled up on his toadstool and tried to look everywhere at once. Suddenly a sound came from behind him, like the sound of feet approaching. He whirled around and was shocked at what he saw. It was Alice, walking slowly down the path. He vaguely remembered her from a year ago. He also realized that if she had been here before than there was no way she could be here now. Was he just having a bad trip? His vision wasn't at its best but as she got closer his half-shut eyes opened wide with shock. Her hands, arms, and dress were covered in blood. She had a scary grin on her face, one that made it look like if you reached out your hand it'd fly up and bite it off. Her eyes, like his before, were half closed and her hair was mussed with little splotches of blood littering it. There were some chunks of something he couldn't make out on her dress and there was something sticking out of her pocket. It was also extremely bloody. His eyes were open wider than they had ever been in his life and he didn't even notice when he dropped his bong. Frozen, he watched her silent approach.

Alice had noticed the caterpillar long before he had seen her. He was hard to miss, a large fat bug turning colors and getting high sitting on magic mushroom. There was nothing subtle about that. The caterpillar ruined her good mood, as usual. He was simply awful in the past, always talking strange and acting so high and mighty. She always felt small and insignificant around him. Plus he'd started that drug habit. It was the only thing that had made her feel good around him so she thought it might help her when times were tough at home. She'd been made to go to rehab in January, after her parents caught her smoking a joint in her bedroom after an argument. All her friends thought she had gotten real sick and gone to Florida to recover. It had all ended with her getting clean and her parents getting lots of bills and added stress plus anger management courses. That was before she'd tried to confide to anyone about Wonderland so unfortunately any adults she told that knew about it were likely to think it had been a trip and nothing more. Now just the sight of him brought her blood to a boil.

She slowly ambled over to the mushroom. Looking up she realized that even with a jump she'd never reach him. Not one to give up easily she glanced around the surrounding trees to see if there might be anything she could use to get to him. A rope or vine perhaps, but then again she might not be able to convince him to keep it up there. Her knife was too small to cut through the thick trunk of the magic mushroom. Or was it a toadstool? Whatever, that was not the important thing at the moment. There was a rustle in branches and she noticed the tons of different kinds of birds that were flying around in the woods. She had been so intent on her thoughts earlier that she hadn't realized that they were there. They weren't birds a person would find in a normal forest; rather they were bizarre creations. Some had umbrella heads, others had bottle necks and some had axes for beaks. Axes for beaks! That was it. Now how was she going to get ahold of one of the stupid creatures? She thought about coaxing it with something to eat, but what did she have to offer it? She had just decided to take off her apron and try to catch one and smother it when she felt something in her pocket. The rabbits paw! She pulled it out and advanced on the bird.

Meanwhile the caterpillar just watched. He was too afraid to get down, and besides he'd been up there all his life so he wasn't quite sure how to get down anyways. Plus he was still stoned.

Alice advanced slowly to one of the birds, holding the rabbit's foot out in front of her and making soothing noises. It wasn't all that bright and it didn't take long for it to come over and investigate this. Quickly Alice grabbed it and slammed it hard against the ground, disorienting it. She put her right foot on its body and grabbed the bird by its neck with her left hand. She stretched it was long as she could and then whipped out her knife with the right hand. Then she sawed and hacked away at it with all her might until the head came off. She waited a few minutes, unsure of how long it took for rigor mortis to set in. This was Wonderland, after all. You could stretch a birds neck and have it stay that way but there may or may not be rigor mortis and when you could never tell. She was in luck though; when she picked up her makeshift axe it was as stiff as a board.

She returned to the caterpillar and the mushroom/toadstool. Spacing her feet shoulder width apart she started to chop. If this had been anywhere but Wonderland and if it had been any 13 year old but the homicidal Alice it would've been hard work. But as this was Wonderland and this was homicidal Alice it took only a minute or too before it came crashing down. There was a loud boom. The caterpillar had waited the entire time while she chopped. He figured there was really no escape unless he turned into a butterfly and there wasn't enough time for him to do that. It was easy for him to accept anyway, he was still stoned. When it fell over he came with it, landing with half of him lying on the forest ground and the other half, the back half, squashed by the toadstool. Or was it a mushroom? At this point in time even he didn't know. Alice started to walk over to him, then saw his bong. She stopped momentarily to pick it up and then continued toward him. She felt a rage bubbling up inside her. The caterpillar turned and looked at her, he was pretty out of it. He opened his mouth and stared in slack-jawed wonder as she approached. At first he thought she was going to hack him with the axe. Instead she raised the bong, and shoved it into his mouth, out the back of his skull, and into the ground, effectively pinning him. He was still slightly alive as she picked up the axe; she had dropped it when she nailed him with the bong. Raising it high over her head she screamed "GO TO HELL YOU DRUG DEALING SMUG SON OF A BITCH!" WHACK! Again and again she raised the axe and brought it down again. When she was finished, some time later, he was a mess of chopped up parts and bug juice. She straightened up and and wiped the sweat away. She needed to catch her breath. In the distance she heard a loud commotion followed by sudden quiet. Ahhh, the Duchess and her nasty cook. And one mustn't forget that baby pig. This would serve well as a message to the Queen if the Duchess were the next to go. Alice tossed her head back and giggled as she set off again down the trail. This was going to be fun.