IV. And "Baby" Makes 5

"PIG!!!!!" A set of dishes came flying across the room and shattered against the wall. There was a clattering of pans and then the Cook shook more pepper into the soup. She tasted it. "MORE PEPPER!" The Duchess was too busy shaking the small bundle in her arms to notice what her cook was doing with her soup. "PIG!!!!" She shouted again, shaking the bundle even harder. A new bunch of dishes came sailing at them, crashing into the wall and floor. The bundle, which looked suspiciously like a baby wrapped in a blanket, started to make crying noises. Then it oinked loudly. "PIG!" The Duchess shrieked.

The bundle came a little undone and the piglet stuck its tiny head out. He was used to this shabby treatment so he wasn't all that upset. There was always a ruckus at the home of the Duchess. Her Cook was incredibly bad tempered and was forever throwing dishes and clanking the pans and making stews so full of pepper that they were inedible. The Duchess liked to wrap up piglets as if they were babies and then shake them while screaming at the top of her lungs that they were pigs. Didn't she realize that they knew that? No one asked her to do that. The piglets usually saw her coming and took off. The one she caught would heave an exasperated sigh and submit his or herself to an entire day and night of being the Duchess's "baby." The next morning the piglet was released into the yard and the chase began anew. "MORE PEPPER!" Clank clank clink clank. "Carrots and.PEPPER!" "PIG!!!!!!!" CRASH! With all that noise and commotion it was no wonder that they didn't hear Alice sneaking up on them.

* * *

Alice knew she'd take them by surprise, the fools made so much noise that everyone knew where they were and what they were doing but they didn't know where anyone was let alone what they were doing. The Duchess! The thought of her made her fume. She was always talking in morals, often that made no sense to Alice and made her feel stupid. And her Cook was so nasty, she hit Alice with those plates she always threw and the brat was always shaking pepper and making her sneeze. I bet they both felt so smart when they tricked me into thinking that stupid pig was a baby Alice thought angrily. That gross little porker, she'd make bacon and sausages outta him.

Alice grinned sadistically and reached into her pocket for the unfortunate White Rabbit's lucky foot. Her grin turned into a frown of dismay as she realized it was not there. Only the knife was there. What had happened to it? Alice strained her brain, trying to remember. The Axe! Of course! She'd used it to lure the bird! She must have dropped it when she caught the bird and then simply left it there and forgot about it. Alice briefly entertained the idea of going back, but she decided to press on. The Duchess need shutting up and so did the Cook. Alice came upon the Duchess's grand home. Alice had never been in the other rooms; the Duchess and the Cook spent almost all their time in the kitchen. Alice chuckled maliciously. It really would surprise the old birds if she entered the kitchen through another part of the house. Alice wondered if they even knew the rest of the house was there.

She entered by the front door and was greeted by a sight that proved that they definitely spent too much time in the kitchen. Alice supposed there had been furniture once. It probably had been grand. But now it seemed like a jungle, with grass, plants, and even small trees growing up through the floor and covering the walls. It was like she was still in the forest. Alice had expected a hard time finding the kitchen but now it seemed impossible. Nonsense, she told herself, nothing is impossible in Wonderland. She looked around the room. It was a large hall with a domed top. There was a staircase in the center that led to upstairs. The hall obviously took up the most of the ground floor. Alice knew that the kitchen was on the ground floor. There were probably doors around the wall and the door to the kitchen was among them. Alice shouldered her axe and walked over to the west side of the building, which was where the kitchen had been before. There must be a door over here somewhere she mused. After a few moments of careful consideration she decided to make things easier on herself. She raised the axe and started slashing furiously at the vines and various other forms of growth on the walls. Mostly she heard ringing stone, but just as she was about to give up she heard the dull thwack as her axe hit the wood of a door. She stopped momentarily to see if she'd been heard but her fears were unfounded. The shouting and banging continued on inside uninterrupted. The sadistic grin on her face widened and she opened the door.

* * * *

As fate would have it, the Duchess was standing right before the door, which hadn't been opened in years. Alice had been right, the Duchess and the Cook had forgotten all about the rest of the house. When the door opened the Cook had been about to throw another set of dishes. The look on her face when she saw Alice, all bloody and crazy looking, was priceless. One of pure shock. Her mouth hung open, the hand with the plate stopped in mid-swing, and her other hand (which had been shaking pepper into the stew) ceased movement and the pepper fell from her hand. The Duchess was in the middle of shaking the piglet and screaming. Alice, who'd left the axe in the door, quickly drew her knife. In two steps she was behind the still unaware Duchess. Alice reached her arm around the Duchess with one arm and held her while the one with the knife reached around and slashed her throat. The Duchess's screams of "PIG!!!" Turned into a gurgle and her eyes went wide with shock. She dropped the bundle and the pig ran squealing across the room and struggled to get out the door to the outside. He wasn't succeeding. The Duchess seemed to be trying to speak. Alice almost thought she heard her mumble "And the moral of that is." But it had to have been her imagination. Alice stuck the knife into the Duchess's eye. The Duchess gurgled what might have been a scream. The Cook, still staring in horror, took a few tentative steps back. Alice dragged the Duchess back toward the door. It was easy, she was practically limp and she didn't weigh much. Alice pulled the axe out of the door and then pushed the Duchess forward. As she was about to fall Alice gripped the axe like a bat and swung, neatly chopping off the Duchess's head with one blow. Her body fell and her head, still wide eyed and shocked, fell into the pot of peppery soup. It bobbed there a few times, like a cork off a wine bottle casually thrown into a body of water. Then it sunk to the bottom of the pot like the Titanic going down, her mouth open and filling with the soup.

The Cook stared into the pot, horrified, her jaw working up and down as if she was trying to speak. The room was silent, even the pig stopped squealing. He sat in front of the door, his beady little eyes surveying the scene. The cook found her voice. "You..You..You stay away!" Alice laughed a bitter, hateful laugh. "Shut up you old sow." She said as she advanced. The Cook backed up even further, until she was against the wall. As soon as Alice reached the soup she spun and tried to make it to the door. Alice picked up the heavy, boiling pot of soup and flung it over the Cook long before she reached the door. The pig started squealing and scratching at the door again. The Cook screamed "It burns!!" She tried to stumble toward Alice but she slipped on the soup on the floor and fell. Alice picked up the pepper and dumped the entire thing into the cooks open screaming mouth. The Cooks eyes, which had been closed after being splashed with the soup, opened wide again. She was about to spit the pepper out of her mouth but Alice held it shut and she started to choke. She struggled against Alice but to no avail. Alice pinched her nose shut as well. After a few minutes it was all over. Alice stood up and then saw the pig, which had stopped squealing and was regarding her carefully. Alice got slowly to her feet. They stared at each other for a few moments. Then, in the blink of an eye, Alice threw the knife and hit it exactly between the eyes. The pig fell over dead. Alice walked over and pulled the knife out of its head. It was pointless to waste too much time on it, it wasn't one of the worst perpetrators of her pain. Five murders already. She chuckled. What fun this was turning out to be! Alice opened the door and walked out into the rest of her adventure.