Warning: This will be, as the title suggests, extreme character bashing. All characters will be bashed and by that I mean a few of them. Do not flame until you read the whole thing through or you will come out sounding idiotic and I will be forced to laugh at you, which I will. Remember only valid flames are accepted and not those meant to be purely cruel or to just be a smart aleck.
EXTREME CHARACTER BASHING
Warning: Character bashing ahead, be warned…
Lina:
Lina glanced around, noting that no one else was around. It was that time of the month and she needed some 'Lina-Time', i.e. without the rest of her comrades to bother her. That was one thing she really hated about being a girl.
As she bent down next to a crystalline stream…
"What the hell!" she yelled as something bashed her in the head. She turned, rubbing her bruised head, and watched a maniacally giggling figure swathed in black disappear into the woods. She glanced down and say a loaf of bread laying forgotten on the ground. She had been clobbered with bread?
What was going on?
Gourry:
Gourry was sleeping quite soundly, thinking of dancing rotisserie style chicken and mashed potatoes, when the summer air was filled profanity. He cracked open an eye looked towards the direction Lina had disappeared to. She had muttered something about the month and a time, roughly translated he guessed it was that time of month. She still hadn't told him what that meant.
Yawning he stretched and glanced around. He seemed to be alone, the others having wandered off for one reason or another. His stomach rumbled authoritatively and slowly stood up, deciding that he should go find food.
As he moved around the tree he had been sleeping under…
"Ow," he exclaimed as something bashed him on the head. He whirled around, bringing out his sword, only to see a person in black run into the forest, evil laughter fading mysteriously into the flowing shadows.
He stood there scratching his head and wondering what was going on. On the ground was stuffed chicken, not rotisserie, but still cooked.
Zelgadis:
Zelgadis stared stoically at the forest around him. Amelia had told him to go and get firewood so they could make camp. She was looking for food with Sylphiel while Lina had gone off for some personal matter that he could care less about, he had a suspicion that it was that time of the month. Gourry was still probably asleep under the tree.
With a sigh he shouldered his burden and set back for the clearing…
"Huh?" he exclaimed as he was bashed on the head with an object. He spun around preparing a devastating spell only to find himself alone. The only evidence of the intruder's presence was a chilling laugh and stuffed octopus that had become severely injured due to contact with his hair.
He was at a loss for an answer for that random act of violence.
Amelia:
Amelia hummed softly to herself as dropped the fresh looking fruit onto her cape. It was her mission to gather food and she wouldn't fail, it was her duty after all. That and she didn't want to face Lina when the sorceress got in one her moods. Of course she usually was in a mood, but that was besides the fact.
Deciding that she had gathered enough fruit she turned…
"Hey!" she yelled as she was bashed on the head. She coughed as finely milled flour filled the air and her nostrils. Through her blurred vision she could barely discern the retreating form an evil black-cloaked character. She had been struck with a bag of flour!
"You who have dared perform deeds of injustice against one who holds such lofty ideals in high regards, stop! I said stop!"
Rezo:
Rezo was dead and doing whatever it is that dead people do. Most of that involved floating around with a vague sense of self and having political debates with esteemed leaders of past revolutions and dynasties. He, being dead as it has been mentioned, had no physical body but that hardly mattered.
As he floated aimlessly…
"What the…" the spirit of Rezo cried as something bashed him on the head then fell to the ground by his feet. His body was no longer corporeal but that didn't mean he was unable to sense an assault on his person. All her could tell of the assailant was that the person possessed a truly insane laugh.
Being blind as well, even dead, he bent down and examined the object that had been dropped by his feet. Whatever it was had odd, strangely synthetic fur and kept speaking in mechanical gibberish.
Sylphiel:
Sylphiel smiled sweetly at the mother bird as she fed her babies their dinner. She was glad to have the chance before Lina and her friends started out on another one of their rather exhausting quests. Gourry-dear had looked so peaceful sleeping under the tree that she hadn't wanted to disturb as she went to gather food. Actually she hadn't found any, being unfamiliar with the native plant life in the area. Instead she had stopped to watch the peaceful unity of nature.
The bird gave a shriek and flew off, Sylphiel turned…
"Aaah!" she cried as she was bashed on the head by something wet and sticky. As she scrapped the goop from her eyes she witnessed a glimpse of black cloth and then everything returned, more or less, to normal.
She glanced at her hands and found them covered in amber goo. Honey? She had been struck with honey? What sort of twisted ploy was this?
Filia:
Filia was sitting on a warm rock beside a wonderfully musical stream, sipping her tea and thinking upon her companions. She was perfectly content, especially considering a certain someone wasn't there bothering her with is repugnant presence. Just the thought of him put her on edge and broke the sense of tranquility that had begun to descend upon her.
It's just like him to ruin a perfect moment, she thought as she stood…
"Ow!" she exclaimed as she was rudely bashed on the head. Glaring dangerously she spun around, determined to pound that stupid priest into a bloody pulp. Instead of the Mazoku a figure clothed in black sprinted away with a deranged cackle.
Who was that? Glancing down she noticed a wreath of petunias on the ground. She had been hit with a wreathe?
Random Bandit:
The random bandit stood there wondering how he was going to get any money, because he honestly wasn't the very best brigand out there. He didn't have or belong to a roving band of marauders and there was very little hope that he would ever.
Scratching his head in dejection he turned to walk down the road…
"Ouch! Hey what's the deal?" he demanded of the robed figure before him.
"Oops, thought you were someone important,?" the person said apologetically, tossing aside wicker basket.
"I'm someone important!" the bandit sputtered in outrage. The figure laughed uproariously and left.
Xelloss:
Xelloss was about to pop over and visit Filia, well, no, he was going to drive her nuts and enjoy every minute of it, but something stopped him. Actually the thing that stopped was a swift blow to the head by a rather thick book.
"Sarryn, what are you up to now?" he asked in amusement as the stars faded from his vision. The figure in black paused uncertainly, then threw back the cowl shielding his or her face.
"How did you know it was me?" Sarryn asked petulantly, Webster's Unabridged Dictionary of Modern Words falling from her hand.
"How many other people would go around and bash random characters on the head with ridiculous items?" he demanded, smiling. She scratched her head and thought hard for a moment.
"Plenty, but they do another kind of bashing," she admitted, tracing patterns in the dirt with toe of her boot.
"So who have you attacked so far?"
"Lina, Gourry…Zelgadis, Filia…"
"You got Filia? I wish I'd been there," Xelloss interrupted, his smile widening.
"Amelia, Sylphiel and this random bandit guy by mistake," she replied ignoring. "Oh and I also got Rezo with a Furby."
"Isn't he dead?" Xelloss asked with interest.
"So?"
"Let me guess, you're really bored aren't you?"
Sarryn muttered something under her breath and vanished, leaving the dictionary behind. Xelloss smiled more and began to whistle. He ought to go and check up on her other victims if for no other reason than to amuse himself with their suffering. That author was one twisted girl.
* * * *
I said I'd bash the characters and I have, though not in the way you were all probably thinking. Instead of insulting them I took the term 'character bashing' literally and caused minor injuries on the participants. No anime characters were seriously hurt in the production of EXTREME CHARACTER BASHING.
If anyone is interested I might make of a second chapter of random bashings. Beware Slayers, for I am literal girl! Oh and I don't own Slayers except as DVD's so don't sue me or I'll set my nihilistic Smurfs on you!
