Disclaimer: As we all know, I don't own Voyager or the characters. They all belong to Paramount.

Note: Thanks, Michelle, for inspiring me to write this! This is just a little angsty piece written while I'm less than impressed with the males of our planet, set after "Endgame."

A Heart Is Not A Toy

It felt like her heart was going to break into a million pieces. Cliché, she realized, but true. She hoped she did a good job of hiding it. After seven years of being the Captain, she didn't want her crew's last memory of her to be pining away for a man.

Yet that's what she, Kathryn Janeway, was doing, wasn't she? Standing there, trying to look cheerful and happy, but dying inside. Damn Chakotay! Why did he have to insist that she be the one to marry him? She wanted to trade places with Seven of Nine, not marry her to Chakotay. She didn't want to marry them, but he insisted. If she refused, she would have had to say why.

So here she was, about to say those words. She had practiced until it was impersonal, hoping she would be able to force the words out. "I now pronounce you husband and wife." A pause, and then, "You may kiss the bride."

They did. She looked over their heads, watching the crowd. Her crew was all there. Except a few of them, like Joe Carey. She wished they were all here. But that, she told herself for the hundredth time, was something else altogether. She always saw those faces at the worst times.

"Let me be the first to congratulate you," she said.

"Do we have to be so formal, Kathryn?" Chakotay was beaming. He couldn't let her blend into the crowd and pretend her tears were of happiness, could he? She hoped he wouldn't notice the tear caught in her eyelashes as she leaned over to hug him.

She needn't have worried. He hugged her mechanically, looking at his wife. Wife. Oh, that it was me! She smiled at Seven, not knowing what to say. "Keep him on his toes, Seven. We can't have the Academy's newest professor at anything less than his best."

"Thank you, Captain. I will ensure that he is---efficient." Then Seven smiled. She had never smiled before that Kathryn could remember. But looking at her husband, she did just that. I did too good a job. Helped her to be human, and then she goes and marries Chakotay.

Kathryn was glad she had refused a promotion. She didn't want to be an admiral, not at all. She wanted to go explore and be light-years away from them. Because she was still in love with him, and he had thrown it away on a younger blond.

She moved away, back to where everyone else was. They began to dance, gazing lovingly into each other's eyes. She backed right into Tuvok. He looked at her, but thank goodness he didn't ask her any questions. He probably knew all too well anyway. She could never fool Tuvok for more than a minute. He moved over, making room for her to stand indiscreetly and watch.

She flicked off the tear that escaped, hoping nobody saw. How could he do this to her? Damn you, Chakotay, I love you! And now her hopes of a life with him were dashed.

Suddenly she remembered a poem that she'd heard when she was a teenager. She hadn't thought of it for decades, but now she remembered, and she smiled at how right it was. If she ever found love again (would it happen more than three times in a woman's life? Justin, Mark, Chakotay…she'd had her chances.) she wouldn't give so completely her heart. She had, and now all she had were the pieces. Never again would she make that mistake. Because that poem, scribbled on a bathroom wall at school, had been right after all.

A heart is not a plaything,

A heart is not a toy.

But if you want it broken,

Just give it to a boy.