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Chapter Five
Written in the Stars
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May 06 2004
10:22 am
THE CONSTANT humming of the machines was actually taking its toll on Luka's sanity, as he was about to reach out and disconnect them all from the patient. He quickly stopped himself short of doing so though. He could never harm any patient but by far he could never harm this patient.
Luka reached out a hand and laid it gently on Abby's abdomen, careful not to lay pressure where her injury was. This was his ritual, performed at least a dozen times a minute. It was his way of reassuring himself that she was still breathing. That she was still alive. God forbid he should lay his hand down and find no movement. If she stopped breathing he was certain he would as well.
Luka had seen life cut short so many times before. His own family. His own neighbors. People he didn't even know that were rushed into the ER. Pre-term births. Miscarriages. Luka mentally shook his head knowing where his thoughts were going. But it was to late. They were already there.
He looked over his wife's beautiful face and wondered if she knew. Knew that she was pregnant. Or that she had been pregnant. Would she wake up and immediately recognize that her womb was empty. Or would he have to explain it all to her. Tell her that she had been pregnant and that he'd chosen to let them terminate that pregnancy so that she could have a higher chance of survival. Would she blame him for killing their child? Would she blame herself for yet another terminated pregnancy?
- - - -
The patient's desperate tears and pleading eyes were becoming too much for Abby. She wanted to leave the room and forget this woman ever came into the ER. But she knew she couldn't. She had to help her. She had to see her through this.
"The OR's just been notified. They're ready for her." Abby was relieved. Soon this patient, that reminded her too much of herself, would be gone. She'd no longer have to face her and try and assure her that everything was going to be all right. When she knew nothing was going to be all right.
The woman's cries became more frantic as she heard the words of the other nurse and Abby looked over and Chuni and silently cursed her for having said them so loud. The patient's eyes were now pleading for this not to happen. For them not to do what they were about to do. But they had to. There was no other choice.
Luka walked over beside Abby and pulled up the rail of the gurney the woman was lying on. He seemed cold. Like he didn't care. And he probably didn't. He probably thought she deserved the fate that was about to be handed her. The fate of never being able to conceive another child. But Abby believed otherwise. Nobody deserved this. No matter what they'd previously done.
"It's going to be alright Miss. Candice. Everything will be okay." False words to a desperate woman Abby knew. Still they'd come out anyways. The look Miss. Candice gave her told Abby that she knew her words were solely a poor attempt at comfort. Comfort that would never come.
"Please don't let them do this." She pleaded as if Abby could stop the ensuing surgery. "I didn't mean for this. I just wasn't ready. I wasn't ready for a baby. My husband doesn't even know."
All words Abby had heard her confess already. Words she could easily relate to. Her heart was breaking for this patient. Still, she silently pleaded for her transfer up to the OR to happen, and quickly.
Luka began detaching cords and wires from the patient and from varies machines around the room. Miss. Candice's eyes fell on him as he swiftly went about his job paying her little attention.
"Please don't let them do this." She pleaded with Luka this time, as if having given up hope that Abby would help her.
"Miss. Candice the damage from your abortion is very bad and irreparable." Luka's words were not that of a sympathetic doctor but more of an irritated one. "There is no choice but to perform a hysterectomy."
Abby looked back down at the patient. Her eyes had grown distant and even more pained. She didn't deserve this. Nobody deserved this. Woman had abortions everyday and everyday they came out of them just fine. So, why her? Why had her abortion been flawed? Why was she being condemned to this fate? Why hadn't this happened to Abby? She was the one who didn't want children. The one who could never allow herself to have them because she'd disease them. Miss. Candice wanted children, she had explained that earlier, it was just to soon. She didn't want them now. And now she'd never be able to have them.
"I wouldn't have done it... if I'd known... known it would be my only... chance to have a child... I just." She dissolved into more tears and Abby finished for her.
"Wasn't ready." The woman nodded her head and looked up at Abby.
"I wasn't ready." She confirmed out loud.
"I know." Abby leaned in a little closer to the patient and suddenly forgot that they weren't alone. Forgot that her fiancé was standing closely by. "I've had an abortion too Miss. Candice and I know the pain. This isn't your fault. There was no reason for you to think anything would go wrong."
For the first time Miss. Candice seemed to calm down, if just a little. Abby smiled down at her softly, reassuringly.
"We have to take her up now." Luka's voice was angry and Abby looked up at him as if just realizing he was in the room. She felt Miss. Candice grab her hand tightly and her attention was diverted back to her patient. The woman's eyes were still pleading. She didn't want this. But there was no choice.
"It will be okay. There is life after this, you'll see." With that the woman's gurney was wheeled out of the room and out of Abby's site.
When Abby looked back up she found Luka looking down at her. He was angry. The only other person left in the room was Chuni and she seemed rather nerves to be there.
"Umm, I'll just take these extra bags of o nag..." Neither Abby nor Luka acknowledged she was even speaking. "Yeah, okay." Chuni quickly walked out of the trauma room leaving Abby and Luka alone.
"Luka-"
"Where you ever going to tell me?" Abby just looked down at her feet not sure what to say. Truth was she had no intentions of ever telling him. Why would she? If something, that wasn't really important, could hurt a relationship then wasn't it best to keep it unsaid?
"Abby?" He was angry with her. She could hear it in his voice. He hated her.
"No Luka, I wasn't. It's not even important to us. It's over. It was a long time ago and I can't change that I did it. Why tell you when I know it would only hurt things between us?"
"So, it wasn't mine?" Abby was shocked. Did he really think she'd do that to him?
"No Luka, it wasn't yours." She reassured him. "It was Richards baby."
"You still should have told me. I have a right to know something like that about the woman that's about to become my wife."
"Why, would it have changed your mind about wanting to marry me?" Abby spoke the words not at all believing they'd be true. Luka remained silent and that silence scarred her. She felt her heart sink as she thought that perhaps he wouldn't want to marry her now.
"Is it true." She asked cautiously. "You don't want to marry me because I aborted a pregnancy with another man."
"I don't want to have to worry that my wife is going to get pregnant and decide not to ever tell me about it but just to abort it." Abby couldn't quite believe he was saying this. Couldn't believe that he'd think she'd ever do that to him.
"I would never do that to you. I love you. I hated Richard. My entire marriage with him after our honeymoon was a wreck." His eyes remained cold, if only a little softer. "Richard was a total jerk. He wouldn't have wanted a child. He didn't deserve a child. Mostly though I just couldn't bring another person into that life. I couldn't do that so I aborted the pregnancy but I would never do that to you. Because with you I know that if I screw up as a mother, you'll always still be there to clean up my mess." The next thing Abby knew she was in Luka's arms and he was hugging her tightly.
"Don't ever think that Abby. You won't screw up. You'd be so great as a mother. I've seen you with children and you always know just what to do. You will make a wonderful mother."
"I don't know if I want to be a mother." She looked up and into Luka's eyes. "And I know that's not fair to you."
"Abby I am perfectly happy with the idea of spending the rest of my life with just you. I just need to know that if you do get pregnant you will tell me."
"I'll tell you Luka. I promise."
- - - -
If she knew, Luka wondered, why hadn't she told him? Had she just not gotten around to it? Or had she been too scared to? Maybe she really didn't want the baby and was afraid he would. And, in truth, he would have.
They'd never discussed having children. Sure, Abby had agreed he'd know about it if she did get pregnant. But they'd never actually discussed what would happen if that time came. He knew they should have. He'd known it then and still knew it now. This had been a bombshell waiting to go off.
"Abby," He lifted his hand from her stomach and used it to gently caress her cheek. "Abby, please wake up."
The sound of the door opening caught Luka's immediate attention and he looked over to see Carter walk into the room. Under normal circumstances he wouldn't have been at all happy to see the doctor. Right now though, he had something he wanted to ask him.
"You were with them, when they were working on Abby." It was more a statement then a question, as Luka already knew Carter had been there.
"Yeah, I was there." Luka nodded his head, taking note of a small medical box Carter was carrying but not asking about it.
"How far along was she?" There was no need for him to ask more. His question, he knew, was clear.
"About eight weeks." Carter answered softly as he pulled up a chair and sat across from Luka. Luka still had one more question. A question he was almost afraid to hear an answer to. He didn't want to believe that Abby would tell someone else before she told him. But he had to ask.
"Did you know?" The look on Carter's face was reassuring.
"Did I know?"
"About the baby."
"No, of course I didn't know. Why would I have? She's your wife." Luka looked at him skeptically. Both doctors knowing what his look was saying.
"I know Abby still tells you things that she doesn't tell me. And I know she wasn't too keen on having a baby. So, I just thought maybe she'd talked to you about it." In all reality Luka felt a little humiliated to admitting such things about his wife. But both of them already knew these things were true. Abby didn't always turn to him when she needed somebody.
"Luka do you know how long it's been since I've had an intimate conversation with Abby?" Luka didn't answer. He didn't have an answer. He honestly didn't know how close Abby was to Carter anymore. He hadn't been paying that much attention. He trusted Abby and had never, not since the night she'd told him she loved him, viewed Carter as a threat to his relationship with her. So, as time passed he'd just stopped caring about her casual talks with Carter. He'd stopped paying attention to how often they took place and when they took place. Another thing he wasn't proud of. He looked back over at Abby, not wanting to see Carter anymore.
"I don't know Carter." He answered the question somewhat reluctantly.
"It's been almost a year." Luka looked at him astonished. A year? He'd had no idea it'd been that long since Abby had really talked to Carter. No wonder he hadn't noticed.
"A year?" He asked skeptically. Still not quite believing it.
"Yup, since you two got married she hasn't had time to talk to me. She hasn't needed to either. You make her happy Luka. You really always have." Luka couldn't believe these words were coming out of John Carter, his archrival. A man that had once claimed to be in love with Abby.
"Do you still love her?" He found himself suddenly asking as he re-fixed his gaze on the man seated beside him.
"I love her," Carter spoke. "But I'm not in love with her. I don't think I ever was. She's just a really, really good friend." Luka knew that at that moment a pact was being formed between the two doctors. A pact to end the tension that had been between them for far too long. He knew they wouldn't suddenly become best friends but at least they'd be able to do more then simply tolerate each other from now on.
"What's the med kit for?" Luka asked nodding towards the box in Carter's hands.
"It's just to draw some blood for your DNA test. I offered to do it." Despite the current anguish of his life Luka laughed softly.
"I bet you did." Carter too smiled as he began to open the box.
"I won't take too much blood, promise."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Abby had stopped moving. Her entire body frozen in place as she stared unbelievingly at this woman. At Danijela. This wasn't happening. This could not be happening. She'd given in to the belief that all the rest had happened. That the man who had been her companion since she'd arrived in this place was indeed a creation of her own mind. That this island, the in-between as he'd called it, was also of her mind's creation. She could even accept and believe that the Ocean around her, the one that had at one point reminded her of the Adriatic Sea, could be her entrance into the afterlife. What she couldn't believe was that she was now on this island with her husband's dead wife.
A quick scan of the area around her confirmed to Abby that her earlier companion was gone and she was now alone with Danijela. This wasn't happening. The words continued to echo in her head. This could not be happening. Danijela wasn't really here. She couldn't be here because she was dead. This wasn't the afterlife. This place, this island, was not death and Abby herself was not dead. So how could Danijela be here? Was she, as the man from before had been, a creation of Abby's mind?
Ever so slowly Abby stood up and took a few steps away from Danijela. Danijela in turn smiled at her softly. A caring smile, a reassuring smile. Yet it did not help to ease the apprehension Abby was feeling as she took yet another step back.
"Hello." A simple greeting. One that did not please Abby at all. Hello? What was that? A dead woman suddenly appears before you and all she says is hello. Abby didn't know what to make of this. She didn't want to make anything of it. She didn't want to be standing here in the presence of her husband's late wife. She wanted to be somewhere else, anywhere else.
"I believe you know who I am." Abby could only nod stepping back further. "Don't be frightened." Frightened? She wasn't frightened. She didn't know what she was but she was not scared.
"I'm not." Abby managed to say. "With all do respect though, I believe my husband would be far happier to see you." Abby cringed at her choice of words. My husband. Should she have said that? Did it really matter? Danijela must, after all, know exactly who Abby was and to whom she was married.
"Actually," Danijela smiled sadly. "I believe right now Luka would simply be happy to see you. Awake that is."
Abby looked over at the water then. It was calm again. The gentle waves flowing kindly creating beautiful whitecaps as it did so. She had just been about to enter that water. To die. She knew why Danijela was here.
"Is that why you're here? To convince me to go back to Luka?" Abby spoke the question already knowing the answer.
"Not exactly. I can't convince you of anything. The decision is completely your own to make. I can tell you that at this very moment Luka is setting in a hospital room beside his comatose wife feeling as though his entire life has fallen apart. Again." This brought a few tears to Abby's eyes as the mental image of it all entered her head. She didn't want to hurt him. He didn't deserve any more pain in this life or any other for that matter.
"Luka's strong-" Danijela didn't let her continue her obviously bad reasoning.
"He's not this strong. He's lost an entire family. Now he's losing another. You are his family and he needs you. Your fears are unwarranted. Luka would never deny you because of what has happened. He will be there for you through it all and he will never abandon you. He loves and needs you as much as you do him. You are his soul mate. He can't be without you."
Abby looked at Danijela completely surprised. Had she really just said that? "His soul mate? This coming from you?"
"Yes, Abby, his soul mate. Luka never loved me the way he loves you. He wasn't meant to. He was meant to be with you. And I believe he's told you something along these very lines himself."
- - - -
Abby kept walking, not really knowing or caring where she was going. She knew Luka was behind her. That he was trying to catch up to her. She considered the idea of running again but dismissed it and instead continued to walk faster. A part of her knew how dumb this really was. Even if she managed to run away from him tonight she'd have to face him tomorrow. She'd have to explain herself. She'd have to tell him why, after he'd poured his heart out to her, put everything on the line, gotten down on one knee and proposed to her, she'd gotten up and ran away. She'd have to tell him why when she didn't really know herself.
Well, she knew. She knew the basis of it all. She'd always known. She'd always felt this fear. She'd tried to control it, to put it aside and ignore it. She tried telling herself time and time again that she was crazy, that feeling this way was crazy. But she still felt it. Then she felt guilty. Guilty because of her own doubts about their relationship. And guilty because in the end, when you looked beyond the doubts and the fear, she was happy. She loved him and knew, all too well, at what cost it had taken for her to be able to love him.
The rain that had been threatening to fall all night long finally began falling. Abby cursed it silently as she looked up into the night sky. She stopped walking then as she stared at the stars. Their tinkling was beautiful, almost hypnotic. That's when she felt him step up behind her. So familiar was his presence that she knew immediately it was Luka.
"Abby?" His voice was so soft, so caring. A tear fell down her check and she knew more would come. She was suddenly grateful for the rain as it poured down on her blending with her tears so that they could not be noticed. Why did he have to be so nice? Why couldn't he treat her badly just for once? That was how she deserved to be treated.
Slowly she turned around and looked up at him. He too was soaked yet that didn't seem to bother him. She wondered if he even noticed the rain at all.
"I'm sorry Abby." He was sorry? More tears fell only to be overcome by the amount of raindrops. "I didn't mean to push things. I didn't mean to go faster then you are ready to go."
Abby felt so miserable but could do nothing but stare up at him as her tears continued to mingle with the rain. He had no idea. No idea that the second he'd said those words, 'will you marry me?', her entire life had finally become whole. The last piece to the puzzle had dropped into its place and she could see the picture for the first time. The picture of her life. It was a beautiful picture. But, as she knew it would happen, the pieces suddenly fell apart again and the picture was gone.
"Look Abby, if you're not ready to get married then I understand that and we don't have to. Not now, not ever if you don't want to." But she did want to. "I just want to be with you it doesn't have to be official according to the law." He smiled down at her. That croaked smile she loved so much. That smile that always made everything in her world better again. She wondered if it could work this time. She doubted it.
"I do want to marry you Luka." She suddenly found herself blurting the confession out loud. The look of surprise on his face only tore at her heart. He didn't deserve to think that the woman he loved didn't want to marry him.
"Then why...?" His words trailed, the question obvious.
Abby looked down to the ground. She knew she had to tell him. She had to confess it all to him. Her fear, her doubts, her guilty feelings. The time had finally come, as she knew it would. Now she just prayed he wouldn't hate her for it.
"Because I can't spent the rest of my life wondering if it's really her you want to be with." Abby couldn't bring herself to say her name. As if not saying it would make everything better. "I can't spend my whole life wondering if when you make love to me it's really her you're seeing, her you're longing for."
"Her?" He asked gently stepping closer to Abby. "You mean Danijela." It was a statement not a question, nonetheless Abby found herself slowly nodding her head. Confirming she was indeed talking about Danijela. "That's what your afraid of. That I'm still in love with her. I do love her, she was my wife, and I will always love her but Abby..." His words trailed and Abby looked back up at him. He was struggling to find the right way to say whatever he needed to say.
"What?"
"It's not like this. It was never like this with Danijela. I love her but not the way I love you. It was never this strong this meaningful. It's like... Abby." He leaned in closer to her and rested his forehead on hers. "I feel like I've spent my whole life just waiting for that moment."
"What moment?" She questioned softly closing her eyes.
"That moment when I met you." She reopened her eyes and looked back up at him. The tears in her eyes were no longer of pain. "If I didn't have you in my life then my life would never be whole and before I met you it never was whole. Not even with Danijela and the kids and I know that wherever Danijela is she understands exactly what I am saying to you. It's you I'm meant to be with it's always been you. I know that with a very strong certainly."
Luka leaned down and kissed her softly on the lips. Abby had to pull away as she looked back to the ground. A shiver ran through her. Her body's first response to the cold rain pouring down on her.
"We should get inside somewhere, anywhere. I'll get a taxi." Luka moved to hail a taxi but Abby didn't budge. His confession, though it had been all she had ever wanted to hear from him, had caused in her even more guilt.
"Abby?" He stepped back over to her. "Abby what is it?"
"I'm not sorry." She whispered knowing how confusing that must be to him but to her it made perfect sense.
"What? What are you talking about?" She looked at him, knowing he must be able to tell by now that she was crying.
"That they're dead. I'm not sorry they're died. Every time I think about them I'm not glad that they're dead but I'm certainly not sorry they're gone. And every time you talk about them and I hear the remorse in your voice, the pain, the wish that they were still here, I just feel that what you're really wishing is that you weren't with me. Because if they were still alive you'd still be with them. I never would have even meant you."
"Yes you would have." She heard him say as he wrapped her in his arms, the last response she'd expected. She'd expected that by this point he'd be angry with her. Mad that she was glad his family was dead. That she was glad he couldn't be with them anymore. "Abby I know that even if my family, in whole or part, had survived that bomb you and I would still have met and somehow we would still have fallen in love. Because Abby," He looked at her and made sure she was looking at him too. "This was written in the stars. You and I were figured out long before our own lives began."
Written in the stars. Abby couldn't believe anybody would say anything so sweet about a relationship she was a part of.
"Abby," Luka continued. "Don't feel guilty about the way you feel because trust me I understand all to well." Abby knew exactly what he was saying. She was only surprised at how easily he admitted to it. Looking into his eyes she knew there was only one thing that should come next.
"Yes." She whispered and smiled softly. Her first smile since she'd ran from him earlier that night.
"Yes?" She laughed slightly. Understanding came into his eyes and she knew he knew what she was saying. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small velvet box. He opened it and took out the ring that was inside. Placing it gently onto her finger he looked her deeply in the eyes.
"And for the first time in my life I am completely whole."
- - - -
Abby looked at Danijela knowing she couldn't abandon a life she'd barley had a chance to live yet. Knowing she couldn't abandon Luka. Danijela smiled at her. A genuinely happy smile.
"How do I get back?" Abby asked of the woman in front of her. Danijela nodded to the side of the island and Abby looked over. There beside her was a strip of land leading out to a larger land structure. Leading to life.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
11:40 am
Luka pulled his chair closer to the bed and leaned in towards Abby. Needing to be closer to her. Carter had left about an hour ago after taking his blood. He'd gone to turn in into the lab and then no doubt he'd headed back to work. Kerry, Luka was certain, wasn't about to let her ER lose staff just because a crisis had occurred to someone close to them all. Luka was actually happy of that. He was glad they were all going on with life. While some people might be angry that life continues despite such cruel incidence, Luka had never been one of those people.
Even after his family had died he'd been happy to see that life could go on. That people could continue their lives despite his misfortune. He knew they continued because in all, this person did not matter to them. She mattered to him. Nonetheless it was a sign of sorts. A sign that life could and would continue no matter what occurred. That meant that somewhere along the way he'd have to continue with it. And he'd be okay too. However this time, Luka knew he'd only truly be okay if Abby woke up.
A thought had occurred to him a few hours ago. While wondering why Abby wouldn't wake up. While wondering why her heart had stopped. Mostly though he'd been thinking about something Kerry had said to him. That Abby might be in some sort of mental coma. A kind of self-induced coma, he guessed you could call it. He'd been thinking that perhaps, somehow, she'd caused her own heart to stop.
"Is it true Abby?" He whispered to her softly, glad that she had a privet room. After all, this was a privet conversation. "Do you want to stay where you are?" He smiled sadly caressing her hair softly. "Are you happy where you are? Are you only hanging on because of me? Because if that's true then I want you to go on to whatever waits for you. I know whatever it is is beautiful and so wonderful and all that you deserve. Don't get me wrong. I don't want to lose you. I would give my own life just to be with you again. In fact," He laughed dryly to himself. "I'd considered doing just that. I still might. I don't know. If you don't wake up I don't think I can continue. If I lose you I have nothing left to continue for. I want you to be happy though. I want you to wake up but if you're happy where you are then stay Abby. Be happy. I promise I will see you again, someday, somehow. Because it was written in the stars."
With that Luka laid his head gently on her chest as tears began to fall down his face. Inside he was praying she hadn't heard him. That she wouldn't listen to him. That she'd come back no matter what he'd just said to her. He needed her. At the same time he hoped she stayed wherever she was. Because he knew it was better then being here. It was better then facing this life, this existence. It was better then her having to wake up and live with the nightmare of what has been done to her. But again, he needed her.
"Luka." His head shot up immediately upon hearing her whispered voice.
"Abby?" Her eyes remained closed. Had it just been his imagination? Wishful hoping? Or had she really just spoken. He looked over quickly to the machine that would confirm whether or not his ears were correct. To his delight it indicated she had just said something. She was conscious. "Abby." Luka's heart was finally lifting from the void it had been resting in since he'd seen her reeled out of that ambulance on that gurney.
Slowly her eyes opened. Then closed as if to block out the sudden light. Luka quickly reached over to the side of the hospital bed and dimmed the lights in the room. Her eyes opened again only they seemed somewhat unfocussed. Not really surprising.
"Abby," Luka stood up over the bed to get a better look into her eyes. He was being a doctor he knew but he couldn't help it, he had to know if she was okay. He wouldn't have imagined though that when his wife finally did awaken from her coma he'd be acting her doctor more then her husband. It was too dark now with the lights dimmed to get a good look at her eyes. He reached for his penlight then remembered he didn't have it. "Abby how do you feel?"
"You were right." She whispered softly. He leaned in closer to hear her better.
"Right about what Abby?" He gently caressed her hair with one hand as the other went for her hand.
"Danijela, she was beautiful." Luka only looked at her confused as she closed her eyes once again.
"Abby, Abby stay awake." It was too late. She was, once again, unconscious. Luka looked up at one of the monitors in the room and smiled as he looked back down at his wife's beautiful face. She was unconscious but this time she was simply sleeping, naturally.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
THE END of Chapter 5
Acknowledgments: Thanks! to Kelly for sharing your ideas with me. Without which I would not have my wonderful "abortion" flashback! :)
Author's Note: Okay, I finished this like forever ago but since fanfic.net was again not working I've been waiting for it to get back on its feet a little more. I decided it appeared pulled together enough to finally post. Anyhow, I hoped you enjoyed the chapter!
Disclaimer: The above was a story of fiction based on characters created and owned by Michael Crichton, NBC and Warner Bros.
