CHAPTER VII
This time he fought consciousness – actively tried to stave if off. Why would he want to wake up, when it was so much simpler to stay asleep and not have to deal with bitter reality? Being awake meant having to think about what he'd become. It meant having to think about the awful look of fear on Dot's face when she stared at him. Not to mention the pain, the weakness, and even worse – those horrible, wonderful nanos of strength, of power. Maybe the next time it wouldn't just be walls that had holes blown in them…
The boy sighed deeply, surrendering to his thoughts and reluctantly leaving the safety of unconsciousness. "I think he's up." Bob's voice said. Enzo blinked his eyes open and saw Dot and AndrAIa as well.
"Thirsty." He croaked. Dot held a glass of data to his lips and he took a long, slow sip. "Thanks."
"Nice of you to join us, Sparky." AndrAIa grinned at him, her face defiantly cheerful. Enzo forced a crooked smile to his cracked lips. "I thought you were gonna sleep for an hour there. How about a game of jetball?"
A hoarse chuckle escaped the boy's chest. "Maybe…later. Where's Matrix?"
"He's busy right now. He'll come and see you soon, though."
"OK." Enzo sighed. "Can they do the operation today?"
"I don't think so, Pal." Bob frowned. "Enzo, I don't think you understand-"
"I do! Don't tell me I don't understand. I'm not basic…"
"No one thinks you're basic, Sparky. We just-"
"Crash! Why can't they just get it over with?"
"Guys, can you give us a few micros?" Dot said softly. "I want to have a talk with Enzo."
"Sure Dot." Bob sighed. "Enzo, stay frosty all right? You're in no shape to-"
"I won't delete her, don't worry."
Bob laughed harshly, briefly. "Gotta keep your sense of humor, I guess. C'mon AndrAIa."
The game sprite knelt beside the bed. "Please don't punish yourself like this, all right? There's an awful lot of sprites out there who love you." She kissed Enzo on the nose and departed, leaving him alone in the room with Dot.
His sister breathed deeply and grabbed his hand. "Don't worry – I won't hurt you." He whispered.
"Enzo…" She moved from her chair to sit next to him on his bed. "I could never worry about that. Not in a million hours."
Enzo squeezed his eyes shut, choking down on a flood of emotion that threatened to well up and overwhelm him. "I know you're afraid of me. You don't have to lie about it."
"That's enough!" she said sharply. It was the harshest tone she'd used with him since he'd gotten sick, and he was momentarily shocked. "I was wrong – you are trying to hurt me. Do you have any idea what it makes me feel like when you say those things?"
"I… I know it's true. I know you're afraid I might do something bad…"
"Do you really think so little of me, Enzo? Have I done that bad a job taking care of you all these hours?"
"What? No… That's not what I mean!"
She breathed deeply, wiped her eyes. "Enzo… I want you to listen to what I'm about to say, all right? Listen carefully. When Hexadecimal did what she did, when she changed your icon… You're right. For a while, it did make me scared."
"I knew it!" There was no feeling of triumph, only a grim acceptance.
"Stop, all right? Just… Just let me talk for a nano." Another deep breath. Enzo opened his eyes – her expression was weary, forlorn. "I hated Hex, you know? I really did, for a long time. She did some terrible things to me – to Mainframe. And I guess I was never really able to forgive her for those things. Bob always believed she could change – that she did change. I never believed it, even when the evidence for it for pretty hard to ignore."
"She did change. She saved everybody."
"I know she saved everyone. So did you. But I could never forgive her for everything. And I guess I could never forgive her for loving Bob, either." Enzo stared at his sister, amazed to hear the words coming from her mouth. "I hope if I ever had to, I'd have the courage to do what she did. She gave up her life as a sprite so she could power up and fight Daemon. And she gave up her code to save the net. I hope I could be that brave, if I had to…"
"Dot, why… Why are you telling me this?" If there was one thing Enzo never doubted about his sister, it was her bravery.
"She did what she did for love, Sweetie. That's why she gave up her codes – because she loved Bob. And I think that's why she gave you what she did – because she loved you. You were willing to accept her as she was, and I wasn't. Or Matrix. And now I'm going to ask you to do something for love, too."
"Dot, what're you talking about?"
Dot wiped her eyes, then gently lifted Enzo so that he was cradled on her lap. "So many minutes I've spent holding you, Sweetie. I can't even imagine my life without those minutes – they're as much a part of me as my codes. Enzo, do you love me?"
Enzo was confused, scared. "I… Of course I do. You know I do!"
"Good." She smiled, kissed him on the forehead. "I'm going to ask you to do something for me, because you love me. You're going to have to trust me. Can you do that?"
"What? What do you mean?"
"Enzo… I'm asking you because I love you, with all my heart. I want you to stop fighting whatever it was Hex did to you."
"What? Dot, no!"
"Please, Angel. I want to do this for me. I want you to stay with me, Enzo. I want us to be together as a family. I can't stand the thought of losing you. Please stop hurting yourself like this."
"But… You're scared of me! I don't want to be a virus or whatever, I don't…"
"You're Enzo. You're my little brother, and that's all that matters to me. Whatever Hex did it didn't change who you are, Sweetie. She didn't change your heart. Nothing else makes any difference, don't you see? I just want you with me, I don't care about the rest of it. I don't care about anything except you."
"Dot…" Enzo wanted to believe her, more than anything he wanted it. But it just didn't seem possible. "But what about what I did? What about that stuff in the armory, and there were other times too-"
"I don't care." She smiled tearfully and kissed his forehead again. "That stuff happened because you were fighting, that's all. You didn't hurt anyone – you could never hurt anyone. I know what's in your heart, how good a sprite you are. If you stop fighting and accept it you'll get better, Honey. You'll get up and walk out of here and be home where you belong. We'll all help you learn how to control what she did, deal with it. You won't have to go through it alone. I'll be with you every nano."
"But… But what about what Phong said, maybe they can fix it…"
"That's not the answer." She sighed. "Do you really think I'd ever let you take a risk like that? After taking care of you for practically your whole life? What kind of big sister would I be? You wouldn't be doing that out of love, Enzo. You'd be doing it out of fear. You don't have to, don't you understand? I love you so much, I can't stand the thought of losing you. I don't care what Hex did – it doesn't change anything between us!"
Enzo snuggled closer, suddenly feeling cold in spite of his burning skin. "Sometimes we don't understand a gift right away… Sometimes it takes a while before we figure it out. Maybe this is like that. Hex loved you, she'd never hurt you. Please, stop fighting Enzo. You don't have to fight it anymore, it doesn't matter to me. Just let it happen."
"I….don't know how." He whispered, blinking back tears.
"I know it won't be easy. We'll help you. I'll help you, I promise."
"I don't know how, Dot! I don't know how to deal with it, I really don't. I don't know how to control it…"
"I know, Enzo. Just stop fighting. Whatever happens, we'll deal with it."
"I'm scared, Dot." He was - terrified at the prospect of trying to understand what he'd become.
"I know."
"I'm so scared, Dot. I don't know what to do…"
"Shhh. I know, Angel." She held him tightly as he sobbed deep in his chest, all the pain and loneliness of the past few cycles finally overcoming him, becoming too much. "You don't have to worry now. You don't have to fight. I won't let anything bad happen, I promise."
"I can't help it. I don't know what's happening to me and I'm really scared…"
"Of course you are. It's OK to be scared when you don't understand what's happening. This is some pretty scary stuff. But you don't ever have to be scared that I don't love you or that I don't want to take care of you. That'll never happen, no matter what. OK?" A pause, a few nanos. "OK?"
Enzo sobbed deeply one last time, then stared up at his sister through a watery haze. "Y-you mean it?"
"Cross my heart, Enzo. Trust me."
"OK." He sighed. Every time he'd trusted her before it'd turned out all right, somehow. "What about Matrix?"
"Oh, Enzo." His sister sighed, holding his cheek to hers. "Give him some time, My Love. He doesn't seem to adapt to things as fast as you do. It's not easy for him to tell you how he feels, but that doesn't mean he cares any less. Let him deal with his feelings his way and he'll come around. You just need to be the big brother sometimes. Can you do that?"
"I'll try." He thought again of the reality that faced him, the strangeness of it – not knowing who he was. It was utterly terrifying. The prospect of facing it without Dot was overwhelming, impossible in it's hopelessness. He squeezed her as tight as he could, as tightly as he had when he'd used his arms around her to clamp down on his pain. Now it was fear he was trying to hold at bay, and to Enzo it almost felt even worse. "Dot, I really don't know what to do! What's gonna happen to me?"
"Whatever it is, we'll get through it. We've gotten through everything else, you and me – and that's a lot of stuff. We can handle it. From now on we're not gonna be afraid of anything – we're gonna face it head on. No more running. Are you ready for that?"
"D-Dot?"
"Come on, Little Brother. Are you ready to get out of this place? You don't need to be here – you need to be home, with me. Wouldn't you rather be back in your own bed?"
"Sure." Enzo sighed. He was still so tired, so weak. "But I don't think I can…"
"Erase that. That's not my little brother I'm hearing. You always had enough energy to drive me crazy, and now you've got tans-finite power limits to boot! And you're telling me you can't get your bitmap out of that bed?"
"But… Dot!" Enzo rasped an astonished chuckle. "I… I'm sick…"
"What would Matrix say? He'd say you were a weak little sprite, I suppose."
"Stop!" Enzo recoiled. "I'm not! I'm sick, I can't help it-"
"Yes you can, Enzo. You can do anything you want. Use some of that energy Hex gave you! You don't have to toss boxes around and blow holes in walls with it. It's yours – you can use it however you want."
"But I don't know how!" Enzo could feel his anger rising. Why was she doing this? Couldn't she see he was sick? She was being mean for no reason…
"Yes you do. You feel that energy inside you, don't you? Don't you?"
"I… No!"
"I know you do." Her voice was quiet now, but urgent. "Don't you feel all that energy in there, Sweetie? Imagine that energy flowing to your arms, to your legs. Slowly, slowly – you can hardly notice it it's moving so slow, but it's going. Don't you feel your arms getting stronger? Come on – grab my hand and squeeze it, tight as you can. Show me how strong you are."
"Dot, no! If I try, something bad will happen, I know it will!"
"No it won't, Enzo. You're a sprite – you're strong. You control that energy, not the other way around. Imagine that energy moving everywhere inside you, making you strong. Imagine it taking away the pain in your muscles. Just breathe nice and slow. Long, deep breaths. See how easy it is?"
Enzo did squeeze her hand, and he felt the energy flowing throughout his body. But that's how it had started before, wasn't it? "Dot, I'm scared!"
"You don't have to be afraid." Her voice was still quiet but now soothing, reassuring. "Nothing bad will happen, I promise. Just let the energy flow until you feel strong, and then stop it. What could be easier than that?"
"I'll hurt you…"
She laughed – actually laughed! The sound was preposterous to his ears, yet as familiar as his own heartbeat. "Of course you won't, Sweetie. You're my little brother – why in the net would you want to hurt me?" She kissed him on top of the head gently. "I can feel you getting stronger already. Your grip is getting tighter, can you feel it?"
"I… I guess I can. But-"
"That's good. Deep breaths, Enzo. Not too much for now – you're still pretty tired. Don't want to get too strong all at once. Do you think you can sit up on your own?"
Enzo panted slowly, trying to keep his senses about him. She made it all sound so deleted easy! "I think I can."
"Cool." She lifted the boy off her lap slowly, carefully, and set him on the edge of the bed. The bottoms of his bare feet barely touched the floor and he noted, distractedly, that it was cold. "How's that feel?"
"OK, I guess." Enzo closed his eyes, teeth gritted in concentration. "Hold onto me for a micro, OK?"
"OK. I've got you."
"Don't let go!"
"OK." Her weight was against him, her hand and his still clasped tightly. "Just tell me when you're ready and you can do it on your own."
"Yeah." One more slow, deep breath, then two. There was an electric prickling on his skin, though whether it was the energy inside him or his code finally starting to flow again after so long on his back he couldn't be sure. He was weak, still, but he could feel the power inside him coiled, stronger than anything he could imagine. He felt like he was on a high wire, desperately trying to avoid a misstep that would send him tumbling to the ground. "OK. Let go."
"I already did." He opened his eyes, startled. Her hand was still around his but he was supporting his own weight. "You all right?"
"I did it!" He was astonished.
"Told ya." Dot giggled. "You used that energy to make you stronger – and that's all. You controlled it, and you did it all by yourself."
"I did it." The boy repeated. He looked across at Dot and threw his arms around her, laughing. "I can't believe it, Dot!"
"Now that's the little brother I know!" His sister giggled. "I'm proud of you, Angel."
"I… I can still feel it inside me. I don't know if I can control it…"
"Of course you can. You just did. Now – you know what I think we should do next?"
"What?" There was an overwhelming sense of giddiness. It was dumb to get so charged up over one little victory, Enzo knew, but he couldn't help it.
"Well – I think we should open up a vidwindow and tell Phong you decided you were just fine as you are – that you're strong enough to master this new part of you. And I think we should tell him you're ready for those software upgrades he was talking about. What do you say?"
"I… I guess so."
"That's my boy." She giggled again and stroked his hair. "One step at a time, Sweetie. And I'll be with you for every step, OK?"
"OK." He smiled. That wire still felt pretty thin and precarious under his feet, but it had been a good step, he had to admit. "Thanks, Sis." Enzo just wanted to freeze the nano – the sense of wholeness that he hadn't felt for so long. But there were going to be tough cycles ahead, and it was impossible for him to totally forget that. But there'd be time for that when it happened. One step at a time…
