Part 16

The downtown Manhattan skyline sparkled in the background as Jake and Hamilton and their 200 guests celebrated the nuptials atop the roof of their apartment building. Since the structure itself was quite extensive, the new Mr. and Mrs. Fleming were able to set up tables and chairs for everyone, even a dance floor which would no doubt be used by all. There were no elaborate or tawdry decorations, just simply adorned tables—white table cloths, centerpieces consisting of lavender, silver, and white candles, and white paper lanterns hanging from thin wires, making them appear as if they were floating in the air.

In various spots throughout the reception area were easels, displaying large black and white photos of the newlyweds from throughout the years. Some were individual portraits, while others were of the couple together. There were a few which included Bella, Will, Scout, and other friends—particularly those from Rawley Academy.

Jake and Hamilton stood in front of an easel that held their favorite picture—a candid shot of the two of them in Central Park, locked in a tight embracing, kissing, oblivious to the on-lookers passing them by. It was taken by a friend of Hamilton's, a paparazzi photographer who was considerate enough to give it to them instead of to the papers.

"I always knew you two were meant for each other," a voice said from behind them. They turned around to see Lena, unchanged by the years, except for her red-hair which was now shorter and curled.

"Hey!" Jake exclaimed, springing forward to give her a hug, "So glad you could make it!"

"You kidding me?" she retorted as they hugged, "I wouldn't have missed this for the world."

"None of this would be happening if you hadn't knocked some sense into me," Hamilton said as Lena and Jake stepped out of each other's hold. "Thanks."

Lena smiled and Hamilton embraced her as a sign of his appreciation. "No need to thank me. It would have happened sooner or later. I just helped it happen…sooner!" she asserted as she pulled away from Hamilton. "But I do wish you had told me you were a girl and spared me all those years agonizing over why all the good guys turn out to be gay," she laughed.

"Well, not all the good ones," Jake said, pulling Hamilton closer to her. Her head then turned to Will, sitting at a table across from where they were. "I could introduce you to one," she offered.

Looking into the same direction as Jake, she spotted him and added with a laugh, "Will? Oh, he's great. But I've already tried my luck with him!"

"What? When? He never told me about you two," Jake replied, baffled as to why Will had never mentioned it to her before.

"It was one date…senior year. He was nice and all, but it was pretty clear I never had a chance. His heart was… somewhere else."

Jake looked at Hamilton, embarrassed, knowing exactly where Will's heart was. Jake bit her lip nervously and flashed Lena a sheepish grin. Then, as if he knew what had just transpired, Will glanced in their direction, giving them a knowing smile.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Bella stood up from her place at the head table, champagne glass in hand, the complete attention of the partygoers on her. It was deathly quiet as they awaited her speech, the one she had prepared early this morning after returning from Scout's.

Until a couple of days ago, it had been quite some time since she'd last seen Jake and Hamilton together. In fact, the last time was in the days prior to the last wedding—the one that never happened. Though she'd known them for a decade now, she found it difficult to write her speech, primarily because with the exception of a few phone calls a month and sporadic visits, she'd hardly seen any of them since graduating high school.

"I remember the first time I met Jake. Instantly, I knew that he wasn't like any other guy I'd ever met! 'He' was different and it was until later that I realized how different and special Jake was…is," she said, blushing a little. The little scrap of paper on which the speech was written on trembled in her hand, showing that Scout wasn't the only nervous one in the wedding party. Bella looked over at Jake and Hamilton, who smiled back reassuringly. Bella grinned and continued on, a little surer of herself, "I was right. Jake wasn't like any other guy because she wasn't a guy at all. Instead, she was…is…this incredible, strong, and beautiful woman. And it was also when I realized that Hamilton had to be something pretty special, for someone as extraordinary as Jake, to love so much. And you are special. You both are. Without you, without seeing what great things love can do through your example, I don't think I'd ever have gained the courage or be willing, to open up my heart and try to love again. Thank you for giving us all hope to hope and reason to believe that one day, we will all find our own true love."

She paused for a second, aware of Scout's presence, battling the impulse to look at him. Bella turned to Jake and Hamilton, avoiding Scout's gaze, "I wish you both the best things in life because you deserve nothing less. I will always be here for you, just as you have always been there for me. Cheers," she finished, hoisting her glass in the air.

At the completion of her speech, Scout rose from his chair, beginning his own, a mischievous smirk on his lips.

"I've known Jake and Hammie since I was fifteen, way back when Jake was masquerading as a boy at Rawley and when Jake, like the girl she is, was messing with Hamilton's head by pretending to be a guy. What am I saying? Messing with all our heads! Hey! I was really confused about them in the beginning," he declared with a laugh, "but it looks like they turned out okay. And that guy," Scout exclaimed, pointing at Jake, "is DEFINITELY wearing a dress!" This garnered laughs from everyone, especially Jake, who recalled the night at the cabin when Scout said something similar, with the exact same tone of voice and facial expression. "Actually, I have something really embarrassing I need to confess and Ham, I was saving this especially for your wedding day," he continued, looking at Hamilton, who writhed in his chair and grimaced a tight grin, worried about what Scout was about to say. Scout paused, building up the anticipation to what he was about to say. Finally, he broke out in a huge smile and exclaimed, "I once thought I was gay too! I had a secret crush on Jake, but I never dared to tell anyone of course!"

At this, Jake roared with laughter and Hamilton, caught off guard by this confession, nearly spit out his wine, the laughter too much to contain.

"Now, ladies and gentlemen, who wouldn't fall in love with a face as beautiful as that? Boy or girl!" he professed, causing Jake to blush and laugh even harder. Jake just glared back at Scout, laughing, but flashing him a 'I'm so going to get you later' look. "Seriously though…don't they make a beautiful couple?" The response was a unanimous one, everyone clapping and cheering, tapping their glasses in agreement.

Will, in spite of his inner turmoil, laughed and cheered as well. He was relieved he didn't have to give the speech, it being the main reason he opted against sharing the honor of being Best Man with Scout and choosing to walk Jake down the aisle instead. It was not an easy choice, the fact that Hamilton had asked him was moving in itself, but he just could not give a speech. He sat in relief as he watched Scout, surmising that the worse part was over.

As the noise simmered down, Scout began again, but what came next was completely unexpected. "I'm sure you've all enjoyed this little revelation of mine, but I feel I should do justice to everyone now and therefore, I humbly hand it over to the Master of Words and the poet of all our hearts…and by far, the real Best Man. My best friend, Mr. Will Krudski."

Will looked up at Scout, speechless. There was an unexplainable emotion hidden in his blue eyes, a mix of hurt, resentment, turmoil, and fear. He sure as hell didn't see this one coming.

He arose almost unthinkingly, adjusting his tie, unsure of what had just occurred.

He inhaled and raised his eyes upward, looking out into the reception area. He didn't want to look at them. This was hard enough; he didn't need to be reminded why.

In the distance, something caught his eye. A picture—one of the black and white photos—but it was not of Hamilton and Jake. Instead, it was a picture of him and Jake at their Stanford graduation, smiling happily for the camera, arms wrapped around one another's waist, their diploma's held high in their hands. They looked so—triumphant, proud…happy.

He smiled, remembering how good he felt that day.

He kept his eye on the photograph, willing himself to do this. He had to do this.

How did it ever come to this?

What a beautiful piece of heartache this has all turned out to be
Lord knows we've learned the hard way all about healthy apathy
And I use these words pretty loosely
There's so much more to life than words

There is a me you would not recognize, dear

Call it the shadow of myself
And if the music starts before I get there

Dance without me

You dance so gracefully
I really think I'll be okay

They've taken their toll these latter days

"Love is…complicated," Will began, the tone of his voice sunken, despite the words he was relaying. "It's full of contradictions; it can make you feel happiness that you've never dreamed of or sorrow that you thought was unimaginable. It's full of promises—fulfilled and unfulfilled. It's full of sacrifice and compromise. But it is all of those things that makes love what it is…that makes it great. And in spite of all those things, we all want love; we all long for it, hoping that it will come to us, take us, bound us up and never let us go. The thing is…that sometimes…love IS about letting go. It's about knowing when to stay and fight, but it's also about knowing when to leave. Truly loving someone means putting them first, putting them above all else…above yourself. It is about knowing and wanting that person's complete happiness, whether or not that happiness is you. Sometimes, love is merely… surrender. Good, bad, ugly or scary; it's giving up yourself completely—with no barriers and no limitations. Surrendering yourself to possibly what scares you the most and surrendering yourself wholeheartedly when there is no other way—even if it means letting go of the person you love. But letting go sometimes, doesn't mean it has to be the end; some of us are lucky enough to get a second chance. What I am trying to say is, we should never hesitate when it comes to love…we should never hold back or delay. We have to have courage to take that second chance, even if it seems very uncertain. Otherwise, we might let that chance pass us by. By professing their undying, love for one another, Jake and Hamilton have proven to all of us here …loving someone—truly loving someone—means letting go of all expectations, accepting that person for who they truly are, taking risks, seizing the moment and to use one of Hamilton's favorite phrases of all time, 'Throwing caution to the wind.'"

At this, Will paused, smiling slightly, and raised his glass. "Jake and Hamilton, you are the lucky ones …two of the lucky few who have found a love that conquers all; a love that is timeless. And real. No matter where life leads you, may you always find your way back home—back to each other…"

The room had been completely quiet, each ear hanging on his every word. It was so still that the only sound Will could hear was the sound of his heart breaking.

He forced back the tears as he spoke.

It was not until he was finished that he looked at Jake and Hamilton. He stared at them, a meager smile on his lips, the sound of applause drowning out his thoughts. Hamilton, his eyes bright, gratitude filled within; and Jake…Jake who had stayed so composed throughout the day's events…the tears building, being blinked back, her head cast down with a sad smile on her lips.

He continued to stare at Jake, waiting for her to pick her head up. He needed her to look into his eyes and see…know…that everything he had just said…was true and heartfelt.

At last Jake lifted her head, her eyes landing straight on him. She knew what he had just done for her, how incredibly difficult it was for him to do that…to say those words.

Her tender and tearful gaze pierced his heart. Suddenly, Will found himself repeating internally the same words Jake had spoken in her vows as it dawned upon him…he too had just given the performance of his life…the irony of it all falling thick and heavy on his heart.

She just kept her gaze on him, her smile masking the tears that wanted to fall—Will's words meant the world to her.

Will lifted his glass, holding it high this time, "To Jake and Hamilton."

Nothin' like sleepin' on a bed of nails

Nothin' much here but our broken dreams
Ah, but baby if all else fails, nothin' is ever quite what it seems
And I'm dyin' inside to leave you with more than just cliches

But tell them it's real

Tell them it's really real

I just don't have much left to say

They've taken their toll these latter days

They've taken their toll these latter days
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A few minutes after dinner was over, Jake got up from her chair and to everyone's surprise, took the microphone.

"Hamilton and I would just like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for joining us tonight and celebrating our marriage with us. You are all very special to us and without your love and support, we might not have made it here. So, thank you all from the bottom of our hearts."

Clapping came from the attendees, as did a few cheers, but they were halted when Hamilton stood up, motioning them to cease for he had something to say.

"This is the part of the reception where the bride and groom have their first dance together. Before doing that, I'd like to give my wife her wedding gift because as all of you will find out shortly, our first dance and my wedding gift go hand in hand," Hamilton announced, smiling at Jake who smiled back, curious as to what Hamilton had up his sleeve.

"Don't worry, Jake, it's nothing THAT embarrassing," he laughed, as did everyone else. Jake just shook her head in laughter and mouthed, "Funny."

"Believe it or not, up until this morning, Jake and I still hadn't picked out our wedding song. That seems weird considering that we've been together for so many years, but there just didn't seen to be a song that exemplified every aspect of our relationship. So, I figured…what better gift to give my wife than the perfect song."

The soft sounds of the piano began playing in the background, as they looked at each other with all the love they had in their hearts. "I know that once you hear this song, you'll see why it was meant for us. May I have this dance?" he asked sweetly.

"Am I following your lead?" she asked teasingly. He flashed her his sideways smirk and led her to the floor.

When the couple reached the center of the dance floor, Hamilton pulled Jake to him; one arm around her waist, the other holding her hand, keeping it close to his heart.

They smiled as their eyes remained locked on one another, oblivious to everything and everyone around them.

One word, that's all was said,
Something in your voice called me, turned my head.
Your smile captured me, you were in my future as far as I could see.
And I don't know how it happened, but it happens still.
You ask me if I love you, if I always will

Well, you had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow the moment I looked into your eyes,
You won me, it was over from the start.
You completely stole my heart, and now you won't let go.
I never even had a chance you know?
You had me from "Hello"


"It's perfect. Kinda sappy, but perfect," she chuckled.

"I knew you'd like it," he whispered, a huge smile spreading across his lips, his clasp on her tightening.

"I love it. I love you," she replied, becoming completely lost in his embrace, truly touched by his dedication.

Inside I built a wall so high around my heart, I thought I'd never fall
One touch, you brought it down
Bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me that I wasn't going to love again
The last time was the last time I'd let someone in

The entire reception had their eyes on the pair, no one said a word as they too listened to the song.

A feeling of warmth and love filled the air, the love between Jake and Hamilton radiating through, spreading to all there.

…Almost everyone.

Will sat at the table, the pain sharpening with each second that passed, at every glance of her face. He looked at something in the distance, only feigning attention at what was going on in front of him.

No matter how many times he told himself, no matter how many times he heard it mentioned, the reality that Jake and Hamilton were husband and wife had not hit him…not until this moment. There they were, dancing alone together—dancing as husband and wife—so in love, with blind devotion, and unquestioning submission.

Well, you had me from "Hello"
I felt love start to grow

The moment I looked into your eyes,
You won me, it was over from the start.
You completely stole my heart, and now you won't let go.
I never even had a chance you know?
You had me from "Hello"

"So, after this are we gonna stick around or should we 'mysteriously disappear?'" Hamilton laughed, wriggling his brows. "Grrrr…"

"Eager are we?" Jake chuckled. "Well, we could dance for awhile. You know, it could be fun?"

"Yeah, lots of chicks in taffeta!" Hamilton joked.

That's all you said
Something in your voice calls me, turns my head
You had me from "Hello"
You had me from "Hello"
I've loved you from "Hello"

Jake's cheek brushed against his, the sheer sensation sending tingles down her spine. He pulled her closer to him, as if it was possible to be any closer than they already were, kissing her cheek gently.

"I love you," Hamilton whispered. "I love you so much."

"Me too…I love you too, Hamilton."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

The party was in full swing—the guests off their seats, dancing, mingling, enjoying the celebration. Jake and Hamilton had not sat down since getting up for their first dance, spending every minute either on the dance floor or socializing with their friends and family.

But there was one person missing from this picture—this commemoration of love and lifetime commitment.

Will.

No one noticed him leave, not even Bella or Scout who were preoccupied with their duties as Best Man and Maid of Honor to nurse Will in his time of need.

He had made his way down the side stairs of the fire escape and back into the apartment which was the floor below the roof. He crept in through the window, almost knocking over a lamp.

Not being able to turn on the light, he kicked the lamp and it toppled over, shattering the bulb when it hit the ground. As he walked forward, crackling noises ensued as he stepped over the shattered pieces.

Shattered.

Just like him.

He stood there for a moment, in the dark, breathing in heavily, as if doing so would make the pain go away. But it wasn't going away. It never had. The pain that had built up over the years had accumulated and was now taking its toll on his weary body. And he couldn't do a thing to stop it.

The next thing he knew, he was kicking the drawers, kicking the bed, knocking over things spread on the desk. He didn't care about the mess he was making or what he was destroying. He didn't care about anything—not even himself. Not anything.

"Fuck!" he yelled loudly, the music drowning it out. "Fuck this! Fuck fuck fuck!"

He punched the wall, throwing all his might into it. He hit it several times as hard as he could, stopping eventually as his fists started to hurt. He kept his fist in the puncture he had made, slumping his head down as he let the pain run through his body.

In the dark, the outline of a white frame glowed, standing out against the darkness. He took it of the wall, realizing what it was—the same picture of him and Jake at their Stanford graduation, the same one that was on display at the reception.

They looked happy. God was he happy…

But after today, how could he ever be happy again?

Even if it was always just a dream, it had been the one thing he had held onto, the one ounce of hope in his life. He had given her…well, everything—his heart, his soul…every single part of himself. She never knew that…she never knew how much she meant to him…until it was too late.

The music of the party crept in his ears, laughter coming in alongside it.

Then it all came back to him, the vision of them—Jake and Hamilton—in his head. Dancing under the stars, happier than they'd ever been.

He was alone now. No need to hide what he was really feeling.

In anger, he threw the frame against the wall, breaking the glass in one blow.

I didn't know it could feel like this
I didn't know the hurt
And I try to explain to myself
But I can't find no word

Will stood there in front of a mirror, his reflection staring back at him. He looked at himself, hard…but the man who stared back at him was someone he didn't know. Someone too shamed, too broken, too hurt. It didn't look like him at all. It didn't feel like HIM at all.

Then, the anger gave way to sadness, the tears rushing to his eyes and falling relentlessly. His legs gave way as he fell to the floor, landing next to the bed, still in front of the mirror. He sobbed, his breaths becoming shorter, his stomach twisting, his chest in excruciating pain.

"Jake," he uttered, "Jake!" He looked around at what he had done, frightened by this act of violence. It reminded him of his father, a man he never wanted be like. Yet, here he was…

He looked around the room, the finality of it all sinking it. It was over. Really over.

From that moment, nothing in his life would ever be the same again.

Will just sat there, unable to look at himself in the mirror, his face buried in his hands. He was crying. Crying his fucking eyes out. Shit. He never knew he could cry like that.

So I lie about it
And I tell 'em I'm feeling fine
And I'll cry about it
Hoping tomorrow will change my mind

He'd always been the strong one, the wisest one, the most dignified. But that Will left the moment Jake said "I do." He'd lost it…totally lost it…all his senses gone.

He suddenly felt so alone.

Completely alone.

Happiness has come to this
And God, it's such a heavy burden to bear

I didn't know it could be like this
I didn't know it could go so far
And I try to reveal the part of me
But you can't find no scar

Every cell in his body had been drained of will and hope. He was in agony, a pain so unbearable that he thought he'd die.

But he had to take it because all that mattered to Will—all that had ever mattered to him—was Jake's happiness. He loved her enough to know that her fate was with Hamilton. He loved her enough to let her go, even if it meant he would live the rest of his life in agony.

And I lie about it
And I tell 'em I'm feeling fine
And I cry about it
Hoping tomorrow will change my mind

Happiness has come to this
And God, it's such a heavy burden to bear