Part 17
The hot evening air had now turned into a summer breeze, the night sky devoid of clouds, the stars acting as mirror images of the twinkling lights of the city. The rooftop was a beautiful site; the guests all enjoying themselves, people dancing, talking and laughing. It was reunion of sorts; people from their lives at Rawley, Stanford, and thereafter, joined together on the rooftop, celebrating the joy of their mutual friends—Jake and Hamilton.
They talked off in one corner, a group of friends from both Rawley Boys and Rawley Girls, who had been the few people, besides Will and Scout, that Jake and Hamilton had built friendships with during their years there.
"I can't believe you pulled this off in three months," one girl friend exclaimed, "I couldn't even pick out my dress in that amount of time."
Jake just laughed and answered, "Well, we just finally found something worth splurging our hard earned cash on."
"The benefits of being a highly-paid, highly renowned actress," another friend surmised.
"That and the free designer clothing," Jake added sarcastically.
"Having the reception on the roof was a wonderful idea. It's gorgeous up here," Lena added.
Jake and Hamilton just looked at each other and Hamilton chuckled, "What can I say? We kind of have a thing for rooftops."
"What?" asked a befuddled Lena.
Jake smiled broadly, "Nothing."
Bella sat at the head table, observing everything that was going on. There wasn't much else for her to do since most of the other guests were people she'd never met. So, for now, she was stuck in a fairly one-sided conversation with none other than Monica Pratt.
"And that speech of yours…simply wonderful," declared Monica, "You know, you have a great voice, you ever thought about doing radio?"
Bella shook her head and laughed, "No, no. The only interest I ever had in radio was installing them."
Monica gave her a puzzled look, not knowing that Bella had worked with cars her entire life. Disregarding her comment, she offered, "Well, I know people in that medium so if you ever want to get into it, I could make a few calls."
"I'll keep that in mind."
Monica looked off, seeing a bored Jake and Hamilton, now locked in a conversation with an older woman who was talking her head off. They smiled politely and nodded at her, but Monica could tell, they wanted out.
"I'm sorry to leave you, but I see Jacqueline and Hamilton over there with her Aunt Marcy. From the looks of things, seems they need a bit of rescuing," she said, getting up from her seat. "Why don't you dance? You've been sitting here the whole night."
"Yeah…" she trailed off, not really taking seriously what she was saying.
"I am sure there are plenty of men here who would love to dance with you," she said with a smile. "And there's Scout…he's over there somewhere…or Will?"
Bella didn't answer her, she didn't feel like dancing. But Monica had brought up a good point—Will. She hadn't seen him in almost an hour, not since the cutting of the wedding cake. She had been too busy helping Jake and Hamilton to notice that he had left. She got up from her seat and looked out into the crowd; his strawberry blond hair and his tall stature made him easy to spot.
She made her way through the crowd, searching for his familiar face. But she didn't see him.
When she got off the dance floor, she approached Scout, who was talking with a group of friends he hadn't seen since graduating from Rawley.
"Excuse us," she said, pulling him away from the group. When they were out of their hearing range, she asked, "Scout, have you seen Will?"
"No," Scout replied as he looked around the room for him. "I haven't seen him since they cut the cake."
She sighed and pursed her lips together. "He must have slipped out when everyone started dancing."
"You think he's okay?"
She shot him a "What do you think?" look and said, "He's not here. We better just find him before someone notices and starts asking questions that we're not at liberty to answer."
Just then, Lena sauntered past them, but before she could get too far, Scout tapped her on the shoulder, making her stop and see who it was.
"Have you seen Will?" Scout questioned her before she was able to say anything.
"What is this? Are all of you trying to play matchmaker?" Lena chuckled.
Bella and Scout looked at her quizzically, neither knowing what she meant.
"I saw him earlier. He was headed down the fire escape," she remarked, staring back at them with the same look of confusion.
"How long ago?" Bella interjected.
"Half an hour maybe?" Lena responded, curious as to why she was being grilled like this.
"I'll go," Bella said and briskly walked away, leaving Scout to deal with her.
Lena eyed Scout cautiously, "Is everything okay? You seem a little on edge. All three of you do."
"What?" Scout ejected, his light eyes widening at her comment. Could she know what was going on with Will? Or even what was happening with him and Bella? Then again, Scout himself didn't even know what was going on with them. When she'd left him this morning, he was more confused than ever. He remembered the look in her eyes when she was about to leave his apartment. They didn't have the same spark that they used to; there was something unsettling about them like she was…drained, listless, defeated…maybe even something more severe than that.
Not wanting to discuss the matter any further, he offered his hand to her, "Shall we dance?"
She knew he was avoiding the subject, but decided to drop it for now. "Sure, I'd love to."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Will sat on the bed, his back to the window, looking at the open bottle of champagne in his hands. He was about to take another drink when the sound of cracking glass made him realize that he was not alone.
"Will! My god! What happened in here? Are you okay?" Bella asked frantically, rushing to his side.
Will kept his head lowered and grumbled, "No. No, I'm not."
She sat next to him on the bed, taking the bottle, peering at its contents—about a quarter left. "Dammit Will! You are so much better than this. So much better," she said, glancing around the room, which was in total disorder.
He sighed in frustration, "I know…I just…I had to get it out. I couldn't take being up there. I can't take this anymore. I can't keep living like this."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I can't do this. Stand by, being the 'good friend', watching them live happily ever after."
Bella looked at him compassionately, placing her hand on his knee. "No one expects you to stand by and watch. No one expects you to do anything."
"That's where you're wrong," he snapped, "Everyone expects everything of me. To carry on as if everything is perfect, to suppress my feelings. That life is just grand. Well, it isn't. Why can't anyone see that I can't do this anymore? That I can't keep pretending? This isn't a life, Bella. This is something else, something dark…bleak. I can't live here anymore…I don't want the rest of my life to be like this."
He stopped and just stared down at the floor, a single tear escaping him, falling at his feet.
Bella wrapped her arms around him, comforting him like he had comforted her many times before. "I don't know what to say," she said softly.
"That's because there IS nothing left to say."
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
"So what's going on with you and Bella?" Lena asked suddenly. She and Scout had been dancing for a while now, but his eyes were elsewhere, searching, and she knew exactly who he was looking for. She'd noticed them acting quite oddly towards each other the whole night, a definite tension between them. As usual, her intuition was dead on.
"There's nothing going on…with me…and Bella," he said, struggling to sound indifferent.
"Oh please. There is something going on. It's like…so obvious."
"I don't know what you think is happening with us, but I can assure you, we are just friends."
"Yeah…that's what they all say."
He was ready to say something when Bella and Will appeared at the edge of the dance floor, and seemed to be staring straight at him.
Bella felt a twinge of jealousy when she saw Lena in Scout's arms, even though she knew it meant nothing.
"What are you waiting for?" Will questioned Bella. "Just tell him."
"I know…I will," Bella answered quietly. "I just wish it could be easier than this."
Scout looked at Bella and Will, deep in conversation, but he had no clue what about. Lena twisted her head to see who had gotten his attention, and seeing that it was the person she had suspected, she said, "Friends, huh? Friends don't look at each other the way you just looked at her."
He took this in, realizing she couldn't be more correct. Bella had hurt him…and hurt him badly. Even before that morning, she had played with his heart continually…treating him like a friend one day, the next…acting as if she didn't care. Still, that hadn't stopped him from loving her or she from loving him. In subtle, little ways, they showed each other their true feelings…that the way she treated him was only act…a guise to protect herself from whatever it was she feared would happen to her for loving Scout. Scout did not know it, but it was that same guise that ended up hurting them both in the end.
Lena watched him as he pondered this over. "I don't know what it is that happened between the two of you. But Scout, you just gotta…get over it. Whatever it was, was in the past. Stop doing this to yourselves and just…go."
"Go," Will said to Bella at the same moment. "It's now or never."
Bella nodded and started to walk away when she turned around, "Wish me luck," she said with a hopeful smile.
When Bella reached him, Lena was no longer at his side. He was all alone, waiting for her in the middle of the dance floor, hands in his pockets, an eager, almost earnest expression on his face.
"Hey," she said softly, her eyes lifting up to meet his.
"Hi," he replied, his blue eyes boring into hers.
Scout examined her for a moment—the way her nose wrinkled when she laughed, how she bit her lip as if it would make it stop. Her eyes lit up when she laughed, the blush in her cheeks deepening.
They stood there, in the center of the floor, eyes locked, everyone else dancing but them. He wanted to talk, so did she. There was so much to be said.
My divorce from dependence
That's when you found me
I was still soft
And we always were in trouble
Odds stacked against us
And trouble's what we are
"Shall we dance?" he asked.
Silence ensued as Bella brought herself closer to him. He put his arms around her waist, as she placed hers around his neck. She wanted to be close to him…she just wanted to look at him, memorize his face, take him in. Nothing had ever felt this good.
We get so far
And then it just starts rewinding
And the same old song
We're playing it again
Suspension without suspense
"So, is Will okay?" he inquired, not forgetting about his friend.
"He will be. I can't imagine how much he is hurting right now, Scout."
"I have some idea."
"Yeah, I guess you do."
Bella closed her eyes, making a memory of this moment. Summoning all the courage in her body, she steadied herself, ready to finally tell him the truth.
"Scout? I…I have…something t-to tell you," she stammered.
"Yeah? What is it, Bella?" he asked, a look of concern clouding over his eyes.
"It's about…well, it's about….about what happened between us. What happened that morning after the Prom."
He said nothing, just waited for her to go on. He had a feeling that it was bound to come up sooner or later. And after the way they had left each other this morning, he knew it would be sooner.
"You see…the thing is…the thing is…I lied, Scout," she finally got out, her heart racing.
"What do you mean 'you lied'? Bella, what are you talking about?" Scout asked, pulling back so that he could look at her.
She was steadily losing her composure, her voice starting to shake, her heart beating a little faster.
"When I told you that I didn't love you…that was a lie," Bella choked out, unable to look him in the eyes. "Because the truth is…is that I did love you. Everything I said and did that night, was real…and true. I did love you, Scout. I just didn't know how to deal with what loving you meant. So, I took it back."
He stepped away from her completely. He couldn't process, the thoughts not yet formulating into words. He just stared at her, mouth agape—disgusted, hurt, flabbergasted.
It was like he was there all over again, in his dorm room that fateful morning, waiting for her to say that she didn't mean it. Instead, she walked out his room…and out of his life.
Now here he was, waiting for her again, waiting for some sort of explanation. But she just stared at him, tears glistening in her eyes.
All those years of blaming himself, of thinking that he wasn't good enough, of wondering what he had done to deserve such punishment.
Now, it all came to light.
She had lied.
She stepped towards him, ready to say something, but he pushed his hand forward, motioning her to stop where she was.
Now that I've murdered your inspiration
And I forced you off
Do you hate me?
Do you want revenge?
I want to call you
But I won't
"Scout…I…I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I never meant for it to be like this. I just…"
"Don't. Just don't," he cut her off, putting his palm up to stop her from saying anymore. "I can't believe this. I can't believe you, Bella!"
He turned on his heels and walked off the floor, leaving Bella alone to contemplate what had just happened. She didn't stay for long, however, rushing after him, pushing her way through the floor to get to him. Just as she got out of the huddle, she saw him, headed down the main stairs to the apartment.
She followed him down the stairs and into the hallway of the floor the apartment was on. There he was, next to Jake and Hamilton's door, his arm stretched to the wall, supporting him as he leaned in. His head was down, a hand running through his hair.
He knew she was there, he knew that she would not hesitate to go after him. He kept his gaze down, thinking…thinking about what she had revealed.
It angered him to think of her now, the fact that for all these years she'd lead him to believe that she did not love him, although everything in his heart knew that she did. It was just one lie, but her silence all these years was just as damaging as if she had uttered that falsehood over and over.
Bella stood a few feet away, her arms crossed in front of her, allowing the tears to just fall down, not bothering to wipe them off.
Oh the pessimistic protection plan
Moderation loving
I've been hardened by the circumstance
We knew this was coming
"Scout. Please, talk to me," she asked tentatively.
He looked at her and stood upright, hurt and confusion in his eyes. "Why? So you can just lie to me all over again? Dammit Bella! What were you thinking? How could you lie to me about something like that? How could you do that?"
"How could I…" Bella answered, her voice picking up, her tone taking a sharper edge. "Because I loved you! Because I didn't want to hold you back! Because I didn't fit into your world! God Scout, I loved you so much. But I knew that what we had, that US, that WE, just weren't going to work out. We were never meant to be together. You put me so high, made me out to be more than I was…more than I am. I didn't know anything about high society, 40 room mansions, vacationing at the Cape. It was time to stop pretending that our love was going to overcome everything that lay between us, Scout. You deserved…you deserve to be with someone who understands the life you live, because I didn't. You deserved to be with someone who could handle all the demands of being a politican's wife. Of being in the limelight. Someone with more class, a better background. Someone more like you."
Bella finished, her tears streaming down her face. She looked at Scout, whose eyes had taken a little bit of a softer tone, yet not completely devoid of that same coldness and vexation she'd seen before.
Scout shook his head and softly uttered, "Is that what you thought? That I was going to be in politics like my father? I thought you knew me! I love my father and I look up to him, but I never wanted to BE him. I never intended his life's work to become mine. "
Exasperated, she retorted, "I…I thought…that was what you always wanted."
He shook his head in disbelief, and abrasively answered, "Why do you think I dropped out of law school? It was never meant for me. It wasn't ME, Bella."
He walked to her, leaving only a foot of space between them. Looking her in the eyes, he continued, "Bella, the only thing I wanted in my life was to be with you. Sure, I cared about having my family's approval, but that isn't what mattered most to me. What mattered to me was that I could live my life the way I chose to. I had a plan—that plan included you."
Her heart melted when she heard this, recognizing that what she had done…that her reasons…were unfounded. She'd taken it back to protect him, so that they would move on with his life. But neither of them had. They were stuck in the past, unable to move forward, clinging to what might have been.
Bella struggled to catch her breath, her face stained with tears. Scout inched back, spinning around and walking towards the apartment door.
We get so far
And then it just starts rewinding
And the same old song
We're playing it again
Suspension without suspense
"What have you done?" he asked, his head shaking in dismay.
"I wasn't ready, Scout," Bella murmured. "I wasn't ready to leave New Rawley."
In frustration, Scout threw his arms up and faced her, "You went to Connecticut that fall! What do you mean you weren't ready to leave? You left the first chance you got!"
"That was after I…"
"Realized there was nothing left for you there?" Scout questioned angrily. "That there was more out there for you than that life? Than that town? Don't tell me you weren't ready to leave New Rawley. That's bullshit! You had been ready to leave that town since the moment I met you."
She didn't say anything for she knew resistance would be futile. He had every right to be furious with her, chastise her. After what she had done, she deserved this. Maybe more.
"I'm sorry," she whispered, just once, her voice so small and faint that Scout barely heard the words.
He was sick and tired of this…fed up with feeling this way, of feeling like she was in control of him…even after all this time. She made him feel weak…weak because of the power she had over his heart. He had shut her out, tried to forget how much he loved her, but he never really did that. He certainly wasn't doing it now.
"Just because you say 'I'm sorry' doesn't mean it makes it right," Scout said finally, his clear blues eyes now ossified by her revelation. "I thought that this was over, that I'd put it behind me. Why are doing this, Bella? Why didn't you just let me live in this lie? At least then, I would be able to look you in the eyes and not feel so betrayed. Why?" he asked, his voice trailing off, depleted of energy. So much was happening all at once. Too much…
"Because I still love you," she uttered softly. "I still love you."
She searched his face for answers, but found none. He was just…numb.
"I love you," Bella repeated, venturing toward him. "I never stopped. And I've wanted to tell you the truth for so long, but it just got harder and harder to do it. Then, I came here and being with you again…it just made me realize that I would rather live the rest of my life, having you know the truth and hating me for it, than live it wondering what might have been. I just wanted to know, to see if maybe…there was even a small chance that we could get past this. That if you could forgive me, we could start over. And maybe this time, things would end differently."
We get so far
And then it just starts rewinding
And the same old song
We're playing it again
Suspension without suspense
Intentions without intent
But I don't want the love we have to end
His silence told her that he did not agree.
She was right about one thing. Things were certainly going to be different.
Because this time, Scout was the one walking away, leaving Bella to watch him go.
