Part 19
"Oh man," Scout exclaimed as he walked through the apartment door and dropped himself down on the sofa. "Do you guys know how to throw a party or what?"
"Well…don't mean to brag but," Hamilton started as he stood behind Jake and wrapped his arms around her, "I think we did a pretty okay job given the short notice and all," he finished, kissing her temple.
"Yeah, I think so too," Jake smiled, still on Cloud 9. "I'm just glad we got to share it with everyone we love…especially my Dad. That wouldn't have been possible without you guys. You don't know how much having him here meant to me," motioning to Scout with her eyes.
"Only the best for our girl," Will added, smiling as he recalled how blissful she looked as she danced with her father, how having him there made everything complete.
"Hey guys, it's getting pretty late, I think we should get going," Bella jumped in as she looked towards Hamilton, who was making no effort to hide how anxious he was to be alone with Jake. She grinned and laughed, inciting the same reaction from him.
"Yeah, we should let you guys have some privacy," Will said, finding it difficult to sound casual. "I'm going to get our things," he added, making his way towards the stairs.
"Let me help you," Hamilton offered, quickly crossing the room.
When he and Will met at the edge of the stairs, Will looked at him and whispered, "You don't have to."
He just smiled, "Yeah, I know."
As they walked up the stairs, Will's mind raced thinking of an excuse to give Hamilton as to why his room was in such disarray. He still had not thought of a plausible reason and before Will could get into the room, Hamilton beat him to it. However, when he stepped through the door and turned on the light, instead of finding the unholy mess he had left it in, the room was perfectly intact, everything back in it's rightful place, the broken glass that was scattered all over the floor was not there either.
Hamilton observed Will's confused expression as he circled the room, surveying it, making sure that it was not an illusion. Will did not know who could have cleaned this up, considering that Bella was the only other person who had seen it in it's previous state.
As if reading his mind, Hamilton humbly said, "I did."
"Wha…why?" a confused Will asked in disbelief. "Hamilton, I…"
"You don't have to say anything, Will," Hamilton answered modestly, "I know."
"How did you…?" Will asked, uncertain how to get out what he wanted to say. "How did you know?"
"When I came down with the presents," Hamilton started, still standing in the doorway. "I passed by the room and well…I did this," he finished, making a gesture with his hand, intimating at the fact that he had cleaned up the room.
Will was taken aback. Hamilton was the last person Will would have suspected doing this kind act for him. After all, he could have just left things as they were and let Jake see the proof of how off base Will actually was at this point. But instead, by performing this simple, little act of kindness, it was like Hamilton was letting Will know…he understood.
"I umm…I don't know…I don't know what to say man," Will sputtered, still not sure how to react to all of this.
"It's okay. The truth is…I don't know how I would be acting
if the tables were turned. All I know is that…there is no way I would have been
able to do any of it, because it would have just been too hard. And that's why…you're a better man than me."
"Hamilton, you don't have to say that. You didn't have to do or say any of this for my benefit."
"I know that, but it's the least I could do. You've been nothing but a good friend, in spite of everything. You know that everything you did tonight…meant everything to her…to us."
Will smiled in spite of himself, "Well, you guys are my friends and you're all I've got. There's no way around that. What kind of friend would I be if I wasn't part of this day? That wouldn't make me a friend at all."
Will began to gather his belongings placing things in his suitcase when Hamilton went over to him, and closed the luggage shut. "You don't have to go, you know? You don't have to move…at all," he stressed, quietly but firmly. "You're like family to Jake…and whether you know it or not…you are to me too."
He shook his head, never looking up, acknowledging Hamilton's heartfelt words. "We've been through this before. I have to do this. I gotta get on with my life and I can't do that living down the hall. This is hard enough as it is…" he trailed off, his tone on the brink of quaking.
"It won't be the same without you," Hamilton said gravely, placing his hand on Will's shoulder.
Finally, Will looked up and replied, "But that's the point. It's not supposed to be….and it can't be."
Hamilton didn't really know how to respond. "We…I…just don't wanna lose one of the only real friends I've ever had. That's all. Do you understand, Will? " he argued back despondently.
"Yeah, yeah I do. Don't worry. You won't," Will answered thoughtfully. "I just need time to figure things out…you understand…"
As I'm leaving
A change comes on my eyes
These streets persuading me
With mumbled strange goodbyes
They looked at each other, understanding flooding Hamilton's eyes, a moment of silence saying everything that needed to be said, everything that they were perhaps, too scared… too proud to say out loud.
For the next few minutes, they stayed that way, neither making a sound as Will finished getting his things together.
Through the waterThrough the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out on the stones
And I'm almost gone
"That's everything," Will said, closing the suitcase shut. He started towards the door, but turned around one last time, checking to see if there was anything he had left behind.
And there was.
His heart.
In that moment, Will Krudski left behind years of dreaming and hoping, wishing and longing…wishing and hoping for all the things he would never have and all the things he would never be…to Jake.
Now, it was time to move on. For good.
But his heart would always be with her…always. And he simply couldn't see it any other way.
There's no meaningIn clothes and coffee cups
Cheap hotel furniture
Where silence never stops
Hamilton stepped out into the hallway, carrying Bella's bags. He looked at Will.
He knew.
He was leaving.
Not just this room, not just this apartment, but this life…this life that for so long had been the only thing he'd ever known. But it was time…to make his own life, a new one…a life without Jake. Not for good…but at least…for right now.
"Hey, you okay?" Hamilton asked, though he already knew the answer.
Will failed to respond, keeping his back still turned to Hamilton. He wasn't okay. He didn't know if he ever really would be.
Through the waterThrough the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my memories to the wind
And I'm almost gone
Will looked at the desk and on it was the picture of him and Jake, the same one from the reception, the same one he had flung across the room in his misplaced rage. He put his hand to it, ready to pick it up, but recoiled, taking in a deep breath, and left it where it was. He closed his eyes and turned around, fumbling almost, as if it took too much effort to keep moving. He didn't bother to take another look, instead, reached his hand behind him and closed the door—not just the door to the room, but the door to that chapter of his life.
Hamilton and Will treaded down the stairs and on reaching the foot of the stairwell, Scout, Jake, and Bella were there to meet them.
"All set?" Scout asked, taking the bags from Hamilton.
"All set," Will repeated, no other words allowing themselves to come.
Jake, seeing that Will had all of his belongings with him, started, "Will, you don't…"
Will cut her off, knowing precisely what she was about to say. "I do."
How he wished those words could have had different meaning….
But here they were. And those words would never mean what he wanted them to. Life wouldn't let them.
So with that they were out of the apartment and into the elevator. The five of them, crammed together in that little space, with no words to fill it. They were silent, all of them. Maybe Will was right. Maybe there was nothing left to say.
Outside of the apartment building was Will's car, the same red, Mustang convertible that he had driven away in three months ago…under the similar circumstances. They put their things in the car, but there was still one thing left to do.
Say goodbye.
And now I'm dreamingI'm staring at the walls
Cars are frozen now
In late night waterfalls
"So," Will said in a hushed whisper, a strong word all on its own.
"So," Jake answered flaccidly, in a voice just as quiet.
She wrapped her arms around him, enveloping him with her warmth. Will closed his eyes, wishing for a moment that it didn't have to be like this, that somehow, he could just fall out of love with her, that way, nothing would be the way it was now. That he could stop wanting what they would never have. That they could still have what they might never have again.
"I love you," Jake gasped, ready to cry. Will could hear it in her voice, but he didn't want it. No more tears. Not for him.
"And I, you," he replied. He could not say those words to her anymore. Not that word. Otherwise, this vicious cycle would begin again. His mind told him to pull himself away, but his heart quickly melted into her embrace and for one brief moment, he wished that this was all that existed in his world and that this moment, by some twist of fate, might never pass.
He pulled away from her, but took one of her hands in his, holding it gently, reveling her touch one last time. "I'll see ya when I see ya," he whispered, only now revealing himself as he allowed a single tear to escape him. Braving a broad smile, he squeezed her hand and turned to leave.
Jake smiled back despite the tears that fell upon her cheeks like heavy rain. "Yeah," she sniffled bravely as she and Hamilton watched them drive away, "see ya when I see ya."
Through the waterThrough the rain
To the soul of everything
Throw my heart out
On the stones
And I'm almost…
Through the water
Through the rain
To the soul of everything
Wash my heart out
On the stones
And I'm almost gone
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
Bella paced the living room of Scout's apartment, clad in a ribbed tank top and pajama pants, the still-made bed proof that it had been yet another sleepless night for her. She, Will, and Scout had arrived there hours earlier, however, Scout successfully avoided her the entire way back and promptly shut himself in his room upon their arrival.
Over and over she racked her brain, thinking of how Scout reacted to the long-deserved truth. He was upset, that much was clear, and though he came off as angry, she had a sinking suspicion that it was just a mask for another feeling, one that he was obviously trying so hard not to let her see. Though she had been afraid to tell him the truth…unsure… she knew that somewhere deep in his heart, he would accept it and They had kept in touch over the years, letters here and there, phone calls made when each knew that the other would not be there to answer. It was those precious, honest moments that kept her in love with him…and in a way, nourished her love. True, it had been years since they'd last seen each other face to face, but time and distance had no bearing on them.
True love. At least she thought that is what they had. That is what she made herself believe. Otherwise, what was all this for? What had all the sacrifices, lonely nights, and years apart been for if, in the end, they weren't going to be together? Just as Scout had forced himself to believe the things he did in order to get over her, Bella had forced herself to believe in true love in order to keep herself from coming undone.
She couldn't let him slip away now. His reaction to her divulgence only renewed her faith in their love. If he wasn't in love with her, then why was he so angry? If he was really over her, then why didn't he just come out and say it? But no, he never said a word. He never said anything about not loving her. And that…that in itself was enough to give her hope. That was enough to make her do what she was going to do right now.
This time, it was going to end differently, because this time, she wasn't going to let him go.
It was six AM and he was sure to be asleep, but she couldn't let this wait any longer. She'd done enough of that in her life.
Bella rapped lightly on his door, a sudden burst of determination running through her veins. Just as she was about to knock again, the door opened, and a ragged, tired Scout standing before her. His bed was untouched, his tuxedo shirt unbuttoned, his undone bowtie hanging from the collar.
They stood there for a minute, just staring at each other…as if seeing one another for the first time.
In a way, maybe they were.
No more lies, no more excuses, no more reasons. There was no need for them.
Bella didn't wait for Scout to invite her in, rather, she barged into the room, and crossed to the other side, waiting for him to shut the door before letting it all out.
She still faced the other way, bracing herself for what she was about to do.
Bella didn't even give Scout the chance to speak, hearing his footsteps behind her, she spun to face him, the same lackluster, tattered look cast over him. "So tell me, Scout, what is this? Why did you walk out on me tonight? I mean, I know what I said must have been a shock…that you had every right to react the way you did. But, I've never known you to be the one to walk away so easily especially from this…from me. So I wanna know…why Scout? Come on, give me a reason," she declared, her bluntness catching him off-guard. "I get that much, don't I?"
It had been another sleepless night for him too, the last few hours spent trying to find the answers to the many questions he had swirling in his head. However, he knew the only way to find the answers was to deal with the truths in his heart that for so long, he had tried so hard to deny.
"What did you expect me to do?" he asked, his voice loud and shrill. "Welcome you back with open arms, as if nothing had happened? Give me a break, Bella! How can you say you love me? You don't even know me anymore! How can you love something…someone…you don't know! You and I are different people now. Everything is different than how it used to be."
In reality, things weren't all that different because if there was one thing Scout was not saying, it was this: he still loved her…he still loved her—powerfully and painfully, with everything in his heart. That is why he walked out on her. Because he loved her. He didn't want to admit it then, but he couldn't deny it now.
"I haven't changed," she said finally, her voice rising, the passion within coming through in her words. "I have always loved you. From the moment I met you, I have loved you. Whether you believe it or not, that is why I let you go! I wanted you to have everything that I couldn't give you. But the problem is, you don't have anything you wanted! And neither do I." She closed in on him, figure outlined in the dark against the faint light pouring through the white curtains. "I've always loved you, no matter who else came along," Bella finished, closing in on him. "Believe that…because I do, Scout. With all my heart."
He believed her. Completely. And after these long hours of soul-searching, he understood her reasons, he knew that she did it because she only wanted his happiness. She loved him and he loved her.
He wanted that to be enough.
But he was afraid. Afraid that she would hurt him like she did before. His heart couldn't take much more of this…especially from her. From the day they met, she held the key, the key to everything that was Scout Calhoun. He wasn't just scared of being hurt, but of hurting her…of not being able to love her the way he used to, of not being able to love the Bella she had become. He was not the only one who had changed…she had too.
So that is why he was doing this…saying this… that things were different. That everything was different. Because he didn't want to take the chance. He wanted to the hurting to stop right now; he was going to stop it this time—before it started again.
He walked to meet her, ready to tell her that it was over, that he couldn't do this. Ready to tell her that he didn't have enough left in him to do this with her again; not enough left to reclaim what little they had left
Scout opened his mouth to speak, but then…it happened.
He looked at Bella and instead of seeing the face of someone he didn't know, he saw HER. He saw the Bella he had fallen in love with all those years ago…full of spirit and life, determination and fire. His Bella. She had come back…and he wanted her to stay. With him…forever.
And suddenly, all the reasons he had conjured up not to be with her weren't reasons at all. And suddenly, he wasn't scared anymore. And suddenly, all the questions in his head were answered.
The answer was right in front of him.
Truth.
Understanding.
Love.
He saw before him the precious second chance Will spoke of in his speech that night. 'We should never hesitate or delay,' Will had said. And as Scout looked at Bella—this woman who would always be the one true love of his life—he knew that Will couldn't have been more right.
Scout felt the blood pumping through his veins, his heart thudding in his chest. He felt a sudden flutter in his stomach, an unexpected nervousness he hadn't felt since the first time they kissed almost a decade ago. And in all that time, things still hadn't changed. They loved each other. A sort of mad, crazy love that only few were so lucky to find. Powerfully, painfully, unconditionally.
As the space between them minimized, Bella looked him straight in the eyes and said softly, "I'm not asking you for the world and I'm not asking you for instant forgiveness, but I'm just asking you to try, Scout. We can make this work. I know we can. I love you. Please, just say you can try."
Bella blinked back the tears, swallowing the lump in her throat, her body tensed with anticipation. She looked around the room, biting down on her lip, eyes moving, searching…looking at everything but him. She fiddled with the bracelet on her wrist—his bracelet—the one he had given her for her sixteenth birthday, the one she wore every day even if it was just for a few minutes before she went to bed; the one that for her had been a constant reminder that she would never—and always—be his.
Outside, she heard the faint sound of a siren, the wheels of a passing car rolling over the water-sprinkled street. She made a memory of that moment…the sounds, the smell of Scout's cologne lingering in the air, the chill of the summer wind coming in through the window.
As they drew closer, into an almost ethereal embrace, she could feel the rise and fall of his chest against hers—he was that close. "You don't have to ask," Scout said finally, almost in a whisper, earnestness and sincerity spilling through.
Unable to hold back any longer, Bella broke down in tears, those five words meaning more to her than he would ever know. He was crying too, teardrops falling on his cheeks, but simultaneously an enormous smile spread over his face. He gently placed his hands on the side of her face, looked deep into her teary eyes, and repeated, "You never had to ask...."
That was all she needed to hear.
Smiling through the tears, Bella brought her lips to his, kissing him sweetly and tenderly, with no intention of stopping anytime soon.
