Part 5 - Your past always catches up with you

I burst into the apartment and run to Lilys room, she wakes up startled.

"What's wrong Anne?"

I run towards her and start to cry, she holds me and I place my head on her leg while she strokes my hair lightly trying to calm me down.

"Annie, what happened?"

"The past caught up with me..."

She doesn't say anything, she just keeps stroking my hair while I cry until my throat is raw and the tears have stopped.

What am I going to do? He's here...he must hate me...oh god...he's real, he's here. now. I can't handle this, I have to get out of here.

I pull away from Lily and rush to my room.

"Anne?? What are you doing??"

I pull out my bag and frantically grab clothes out of my draws and shove them into the bag. Lily comes and stands next to me, I glance up at her face, hurt and confusion printed.

"Where are you going Anne??"

"Away, have to get away."

"Why???"

I shake my head and continue running around the room grabbing various things, brush, hairties, shoes, jersey.....

"Stop it Anne! For god's sake, tell me what the hell is wrong!!"

I stop, stunned, that's the first time she has ever yelled at me. Usually she just nods her head and walks away quietly.

"I'm sick of you shutting me out, Anne. Tell me now!"

She steps forward and grabs the things out of my hands and chucks them on the floor, her face is full of anger and she narrows her eyes at me. She really wants some answers. I sit down on my bed while she stands infront of me with her arms folded tightly accross her chest.

"An old friend from Sunnydale is here. I'm guessing he lives here."

"What's wrong with that?"

"Something happened to..him and I left my other friends, ran away from them. Left them to fight all the bad things."

"What happened to this him? Is he why you ran away? Did he hurt you?"

My throat tightens and I wipe away at the forming tears. I look down at my hand and a deep red colour is smeared all over it....red...blood....his blood...all over my hands....

'I love you'

'Close your eyes'

'Shhhh.....'

'love'

'kill'

'hell'

'bitch'

'hate'

"Anne??? Anne???"

I look up at Lily, tears streaming down my face and my blood red hands still out infront of me.

"Oh god, Anne, your cut is bleeding."

She rushes to the bathroom and brings out a wet flannel.

"I...I...killed him...Lily...I..did.."

She kneels down infront of me and takes my hands in hers.

"Who Anne?"

"Him....Angel..I love him so much...I had to save the world..but now he's back...here and I just don't know how to deal.."

Realisation dawns on her face and she pulls me into a hug.

"It's okay Anne...shh.."

"What do I do Lily??"

She opens her mouth to answer but before her reassuring words can come out there's a knock at the door. I get up to go to the door but she points to my head and I remember the blood on my face, and she goes to the door while I go clean up.

It takes me a couple of seconds to realise that the scared looking girl in the mirror is actually my reflection. I can't believe how young and innocent I look...I look like I did when I was seventeen...when the harsh realities of living hadn't gotten to me...when killing the man you love didn't even enter your thoughts...when running away from your problems was something that the mighty Buffy would never do.

I bend down and wash my face, I look up into the mirror again and harsh, cold eyes stare back at me. I'm back to the new me, the stony hurt gaze, the mouth that hardly ever smiles and the heart that is covered in darkness.....god what have I let myself become??

I take one last look in the mirrow to make sure the blood is gone and then turn around, my heart stops and I open my mouth and scream.

"Buffy....??"

End of Part 5!

Part 6 on the way....oh yeah be warned there's a whole lotta angst coming up! Angel is with someone.....shock horror I know! Sorry he is, but definitely B/A always so you never know..... ;)