Things Harry Potter characters would never say

Harry

I think I'll take up soccer.

What's a snich?

Excuse me, I seem to have forgotten what this stick does. (pokes his wand)

Cho Chang who?

I love my Aunt and Uncle!

Aarg! A snake! Get it away!!

Why do I have this funky scar on my head, again?

Hermione

I've forgotten how to transfigure a chair into an armadillo!!

Ron who?

Let's break the rules!

I think I'll buy a Harley and terrorize Hogsmead.

Sirius

I'm allergic to dog hair!

I'm not hungry.

I want blood!

Lupin

Ack! A wolf! Get it away!

I really want Snape's job. Terrorizing kids. buahahaaa.

Snape

I listen to the Sound of Music sound track all the time.

I make perfume in my spare time.

Hey, Voldemort, let's go pick flowers and pet cute puppies!

Voldemort

I regret killing people.

NOT!

Hey, Snape, lookit the cute kitties! Let's buy one!

Dudly

I love my adopted brother. Come here, Harry, give me a biiig hug!

(This author would like to point out if Dudly hugged anyone, he might suffocate them with his fat, so Harry is advised to run.)

Rita Skeeter

I think I'll write obituaries now.

Aaack! A bug! Get it away!

Hagrid

I enjoy golfing with friends in my spare time.

Arrg! A monster! Help!!

Pie times the square root of the quantity of XY {p=g+5}.

Kirby

Wait. how did I get in here?? I'm not a Harry Potter thingie! Help!

Harry

Look, a snitch!

(Censored for violence and general abuse of small fluffy pink Nintendo characters)