"This way, sir," the cadet said respectfully, and began walking toward the largest monitor in the control room. Magneto/Zechs spun around in circles for a few moments, before blindly groping his way along the wall and toward the monitor, the owlish mask not exactly helping his vision all that much. Finally, he tripped his way over to the computer screen, and the cadet turned it on. The monitor flared bright blue, before the short biographies of all five respective gundam pilots were displayed on the screen.
First
up was, naturally, Heero, being that he was the pilot of the Gundam 01
and the main character of the movie and all. The screen filled up with
a fearsome image of a frighteningly gruff-looking man, with graying sideburns
and matching blue-black hair slicked up his head to give him a rather owlish
look. A dash of dark brown had been sprayed into his graying hair, and
the man was clad in a moss-green tank top tucked into his black Spandex
shorts that were two or three sizes too small for him. In metallic red
digital lettering, the name Hero Yuy (Heero barely blinked when he realized
that they'd misspelled his name) appeared in bold block letters, the same
way they'd had in the X-Men movie that the G-boys had shot a while back.
Hobbies: Wiggling his ass in front of the camera while wearing insanely
tight Spandex shorts replaced Hero Yuy on the screen, and stayed there
for a deliberate several seconds before Oh, and shooting and blowing up
buildings and committing other random acts of terrorism replaced the embarrassing
statement about how Heero (or Hero, in this case) liked to shake his moneymaker
on the silver screen. Heero's eyebrow twitched, and Quatre could swear
that his frown darkened just a notch, before he had to forget about the
frown and scramble to wrestle the revolver from Heero's iron grip as the
former pilot grunted, "Omae o korosu!" and tried to shoot at the screen.
The two pilots scuffled, but Heero, being, well, Heero, stubbornly pulled
at the trigger anyway. Bang! A loud shot was heard, a sleek, silver bullet
went flying through the air...and tore an unsightly hole right between
the legs of the man playing 'Hero Yuy'--right in that area.
"Oh
my God!" a horrified and embarrassed Quatre squeaked, blushing bright red
and covering his eyes for a few hesitant seconds, while Duo took notice
of the strategically placed hole and began giggling like a madman on crack.
Next
up was, naturally, Duo Maxwell, as the image of 'Hero Yuy' with the strategically
placed bullet hole on his Spandex shorts flicked to show a tall, ruggedly
handsome young man with longish brown hair and ruby-red eyes, dressed in
the practically trademark black shirt with its white priest's collar and
matching black stirrup pants. The actor's hair, although rather long for
a man, was nowhere near Duo's butt-length locks, and thus the braid looked
somewhat awkward on him, being that it only reached past his shoulders.
Duo pouted when he saw that they'd chopped off his hair, but then brightened
again as the metallic red digital letters boldly spelled out Duo Maxwell
for the whole world to see--or at least for the suckers stupid enough to
actually pay to watch this film to see. According to the film, Duo Maxwell's
hobbies were supposedly getting beaten around by pretty much all of his
teammates...and that obligatory committing random acts of terrorism stuff.
Duo sniffed.
"I
can't believe how mean you meanies are to me," he grumbled, giving Heero,
Trowa, and Wufei the evil eye. The other three simply ignored him...like
they always did, and waited on tensely for Trowa's bio to appear.
It
didn't take long for said bio to appear. A tall, somewhat uptight-looking
dark-haired man with ruby-quartz shades over his eyes filled up the screen.
"Eew!
I think I just saw his boogers!"
".......Maxwell,
omae o korosu........."
"Hn.
Stop stealing my catchphrases."
"........."
Right. Anyways, as the name Trowa Barton filled
up the screen, all five G-boys leaned forward unwittingly to see how the
producers would damage Trowa's good name. They didn't. Not too much, anyway.
Apparently, whoever was behind this film didn't hate Trowa quite as much
as they did the rest, because according to the film, Trowa's hobbies included
being so silent that it creeps out everyone and...blowingupstuffandcommittingrandomactsofterrorism!
Whew!
"Whoo
hoo! Q-man's up next!" Duo chirped brightly, and eagerly rubbed his hands
in anticipation, getting ready to laugh in Quatre's face for whichever
ridiculous hobby they had put down for him, all in revenge for his denying
him his right to view hot chicks in their lingerie, naturally.
The
cameras panned in for a close up of what appeared to be a mountain gorilla
with blue fur...until it zoomed in to the 'gorilla's' face to reveal humanoid
features. The furry being's ears had been dyed platinum blonde with cheap
hair dye (or was that just tie-dye?), and was clad in a grayish-purple
vest over a pink shirt that didn't quite fit...and what appeared to be
bright blue Speedo-thingies. As the name Quatre Raberba Winner flashed
up on the screen, Duo cried out, "Eew! Quatre's wearing his undies! Oh,
ew! I think he just mooned us!" Poor Quatre, seeing his beastly portrayal
on the silver screen and hearing Duo's so very flattering comments, promptly
fainted dead away. Duo sniffed, as if somehow offended by the soft-spoken
boy's actions.
"Hn!
And he didn't even stay to see what his hobbies were," the braided American
harrumphed in an insulted tone. To Duo's great disappointment, Quatre not
only got fairly okay hobbies, but he got more of them than Duo did, because
according to whoever had shot this film, Quatre Raberba Winner--or at least
the beastly actor that was playing him on the silver screen, anyway--was
supposed to drink lots and lots of tea but never seem to need to take a
piss, act all sugary sweet and stuff, and, of course, commit random acts
of terrorism and all that lovely crap.
Quatre
came to right after his own bio had been done and the movie had moved on
to Wufei's; unfortunately for him, the camera had just panned in for a
severe close up of a bald, middle-aged (or even older) man with a bunch
of black yarn glued to the nape of his neck in an effort to resemble a
ponytail, and the sight was so...erm, unusual that the poor ex-pilot nearly
fainted again. The name Chang Wufei was displayed in bold block letters,
while the real Wufei, taking note of his replacement's baldness and the
fact that he was in a wheelchair, thundered furiously, "Injustice! The
great Chang Wufei is neither crippled nor bald!" Duo, hearing his comment,
suppressed a snort.
"Crippled,
maybe, but bald...now that's a debatable issue," the American ex-pilot
tee heed, then promptly eeped as Wufei held him up by the hair and tried
to strangle him with his own braid.
"Ouchy!
Put me down!" Duo whined, kicking his feet. Fortunately for him, 'Wufei's'
hobbies came up next, and the real Wufei was too preoccupied with what
they had to say to pay more attention to Duo. As the name Chang Wufei disappeared,
the words Hobbies: Acting like an assclown, deluding himself into thinking
he's doing justice while blowing up stuff and committing general acts of
terrorism surfaced.
"KISAMAAAA!"
It took both Quatre and Duo to restrain Wufei
from using his katana to slash an even bigger hole on the movie screen
next to the, um, strategically placed bullet hole that Heero had already
put there minutes ago.
"Hey!
Ow! What the hell are you trying to do to my armpit?!" Duo whined to Wufei,
as the butt (of Wufei's sword, not of Wufei himself!) jabbed him in said
area.
Meanwhile,
as Quatre and Duo struggled to hold back the raving madman...erm, that
is, Wufei...Magneto/Zechs onscreen was saying, "I've recovered some footage
from the camera inside Gundam 01's cockpit when it self-detonated. It might
give us an inside look at its pilot." The characters on the silver screen
pushed in a tape and pressed the button, and instantly, footage of 'Hero
Yuy' filled up the screen...footage of him wiggling his ass in front of
the camera while wearing insanely tight Spandex shorts. Heero's eyebrows
twitched, and his scowl darkened dangerously as he viewed the particular
scene. After about three minutes of ass-shaking, the scowl became deadly,
as then...
"Omae
o korosu!" filled the nearly empty theater. Quatre, too busy trying to
restrain Wufei and barely succeeding, could only watch helplessly as the
furious Heero Yuy pulled out a detonation device out of nowhere and prepared
to pull the red switch.
"Heero,
wait--!" Quatre began to protest.
BOOM!
As the roof flew off of the movie theater, five
coughing boys emerged from the debris and rubble. Four of them appeared
bedraggled, while the one in the middle, who was still holding a self-destruct
switch, had only a light covering of dust and was otherwise perfectly fine.
"Mission
accom--" Heero Yuy began to say, when suddenly there was the sound of police
sirens, and an army of patrol cars rushed over to the scene of the crime
from seemingly nowhere. Heero sweatdropped.
"Eh..."
