Snowfall
Jet Black shivered involuntarily as he watched the snowflakes falling quietly down and swirling in the updrafts only to drop again, heaps of snow already piling against the wall of the ship by the hanger door. He heard the door open and close softly and his gaze fixed on Faye's reflection in the glass, watching as she kicked her boots against the ship to dislodge the snow. Melting snowflakes glistened in her violet-navy hair and her cheeks were stained a pastel pink from exposure to the wind and weather outside. She was wearing a different outfit than usual, more modest to guard her body from the chill of winter and Jet was surprised to discover himself thinking of her like the young girl in the home video – Faye's forgotten past. Jet had rarely seen her without the barricades up, he'd seldom been given the chance to compare this sultry, troubled woman to the peppy, endearing girl on film. Even the Faye he was watching now was different from the woman he had met. Her emerald-green eyes were haunted, her smile a mere ghost of her old smirk and almost as rare as her shadowed laughter.
Ever since Spike had left …ever since Spike had died …nothing had been the same. Radical Edward gone, chasing a father who could not even remember the gender of his own child – granted, with Ed it was a bit difficult to determine – and Ein had left with her. Jet remembered now why he had always hated being alone …the silence was terrible, filled with bitter memories and regrets, the comfortable and familiar air of when Ed was plugged into her computer, dubbed Tomato, with Ein sleeping nearby and Spike quarreling with Faye like teenage siblings or a married couple, and he himself able to spend some relatively quiet moments cooking and working with his bonsai trees. He hadn't really minded the calm and quiet then, for it had a homey air – the house of a dysfunctional family to be sure, but homey nonetheless.
He stiffened involuntarily as he caught Faye's reflection advancing on him in the mirror and one of her small hands fell to his shoulder as she spun him around, anger blazing in her eyes and her hand trembled on his shoulder with barely contained fury. Jet steeled himself for an outburst, momentarily shocked to see unshed tears brimming in her eyes.
"Dammit, Jet, why can't you grieve like a normal person? He was your partner, he was your friend! Show some emotion, I know you aren't a cold and unfeeling man! I've wept, I've missed that bastard everyday …and I will never forgive him for leaving us like that, but I can at least understand why, and I will never go a day without missing him …why can't you acknowledge your pain? Dammit, Jet, show something!" Faye screamed, her punches landing on his chest ineffective at best as she dissolved into tears, raging still.
Jet looked uncomfortable as he hesitantly put his arms around her and held her to his chest, rubbing her back in sympathy. "It's okay, Faye, don't worry, everything is going to be fine,"
"NO! NO! Jet, you …you …you just don't understand, that is exactly what I'm talking about! Cry, holler, shoot something, shoot someone, do SOMETHING! This, this cannot work. You can't keep all this hurt inside because in the end it will consume you and destroy you. Grieve for the past and let it go …please …" She trailed off and pushed away from him, stopping as she backed into a wall and she fixed him with a teary glare. "Dammit, Jet, for once loose control." She paused and took a calming breath, tears still streaming down her face. "If …if you need me …I'll be on the ship …" And then she whirled around and fled to her quarters, leaving Jet to his misery.
The wind howling outside seemed to blow right through the hull of the ship and Jet ineffectively tried to keep another shiver from running down his spine. Faye's words had struck a chord within him and being left with his thoughts had only brought about a storm of remorse, guilt and hastily blinked back tears. He knew that Spike was gone for good, never to return, and he knew that it wasn't his fault, but he still felt as though he should have done something to help his partner on his vendetta. He was at his breaking point, the turbulent emotions inside of him were threatening to boil up and spill over and he knew that he could not longer keep it locked up tight inside because it was killing him, slowly but surely. He sank heavily to the cool floor, though his thigh protested the movement strongly and buried his face in his hands, crying hard sobs that wracked his whole body and, amazingly enough, released some of the pain roiling within his heart and mind. He had been making himself sick lately from the grief buried deep inside and he found himself smiling weakly at the relief crying had brought.
His face had dried by the time he registered Faye's presence by the couch. "How about that, Faye …I even cry with control …" His voice was self-mocking, but his tone gentled as he continued. "Though I loathe admitting it, I think you're right when you said the tears help to heal.
"I never said that." She replied softly.
"Not in as many words, no."
She was quiet for a time before speaking again. "For some reason, Jet, it felt right to be leaving to a place that I belonged. I had to have the answers to my past …I had to know that the life I had lived before was truly dead. I understand now that Spike had to do the same thing. We had to face our pasts in order to move on to the future. Unfortunately, Spike's future didn't include surviving his assault on the Red Dragons. I came back here not just because he asked me to, but also because this place is my home now, even though you guys didn't always want me here. This place is where I belong, it is here that I am whole, not weeping on the broken remains of my home on some forlorn little planet, not chasing after phantoms of memory that aren't helping me in life anyway …here, on the Bebop, with you." She paused and glanced around. "I know that I didn't find what I was looking for on that blasted planet, but maybe …maybe if luck is with her, maybe then Ed will finally find her place, with Ein too."
"Well …if she doesn't …" Jet began slowly, almost thoughtfully, "we'll always have a place for her here, whenever she's ready to come home." His eyes misted over and his voice thickened with emotion as he paused. "Thank you for being here, Faye …I know how thick-headed I can be sometimes and I know how much I need someone here to knock some sense into me at times. Used to be Spike made sure I wasn't being stupid, but I guess you're doing a pretty good job, for a rookie."
Faye laughed softly, a sound almost like her old laugh and pulled out a cigarette, accepting the lighter he tossed her. "Hey, in time even rookies turn into partners, Jet. We're just gonna have to adjust, you know, make do like we always have. His time in life was up, but we're still here …" She trailed off and inhaled deeply, handing back the lighter.
"…We're gonna carry that weight …" He finished reverently, feeling almost good once more as the snow fell on the Bebop, powdering the world with a fresh start.
We're gonna carry that weight …together.
