"Maybe then" By SW

***Wow it's been awhile ne? *nervous laugh* well um this isn't exactly a pleasant fic….. It takes a dark look at the world of saiyuki. Especially Sanzo and Goku! Suggestions of rape and a whole lot of angst. U have been warned!!! Flame away if it pleases you can't be any worse then the backlash I got for " To follow in death" *********

Golden orbs flickered quietly in the poor lighting of the room; the only noise was the steady breathing of his roommates. His cat like eyes taking in every dimmed detail of their sleeping forms, dully he wondered if they knew.

  Every time they look at me, I'm afraid they'll see. It feels like it's written all over my face.    Maybe he's right; maybe I do deserve this, and he's justified in what he does to me. He visits almost every night.

                    Sanzou…….

Sometimes I don't think it's me he sees, only his own demons. Those violet eyes haunted, seeing past me even as he ravages me.  Guilt, that I can't help him, all I have to offer him is my body. Which he claims he doesn't want, not that it stops him from using me. It doesn't matter if he thinks I'm asleep or not, I've tried, nothing makes a difference. Accusations and hate spew from those kissable lips, harsh words and harsher hands. My fault, all my fault, maybe if I wasn't such a horrible person, maybe if I were better.

                Just maybe……..

There are times when I start to panic; did I remember to smile this morning? Did I complain about getting up so early?  Did they notice if I didn't?  It always takes time to wind my self down.  Hakkai hadn't seen me through away most of my food, Gojyo was still thinking he had won. Everything was normal, everyone was happy. My secret was still just that, I was safe. Of course Hakkai frowns and frets over the weight I've been losing, but there is no proof of anything. For all he knows I'm just going through a growth spurt, which keeps him from worrying too much.  I'm so sorry for lying, but that can't know. I couldn't stand for them to know, what an empty shell I am.

                       So alone…..

    It takes so much effort to get up after he leaves, but I have to. I need to clean up, there's so much blood… I have to clean the sheets again. It wouldn't do for Hakkai or Gojyo to see the stains, to many questions would be asked. A shower helps me fill less dirty, rising clean the wounds on my back. I won't cry, I promised I wouldn't cry. Maybe if I let my self be weak for a few minutes, maybe I will be able to get off the tiled floor of the bathroom. Then I can go back to bed, get up and smile at Hakkai and pretend to fight with Gojyo…And then….And then I don't know…

~ Owari ~

Oh come on yah know yah wanna comment!

**Flees from rabid Amidala ******